JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 February 1972)

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again we have our four most experienced players of the game, and Iím going to ask them all in turn of course, to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviation from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. And according to how well they do this, they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter the subject, very apt for this programme, noise. Can you talk to us about noise for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: (raspberry noise) Now thatís an example of noise! The level of noise is increasing up and down the country. I put it down to aeroplanes largely...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Up and down the country, I put it down, repetition.

NP: Up and down, I put it down, yeah.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: I thought you were going to give you repetition of the raspberry at the beginning! Kenneth I agree with your challenge so you gain a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject and there are 45 seconds left for noise starting now.

KW: Well of course, we would need to define this semantically because what some people is noise, is to others something very very pleasant...

BUZZ

KW: Now Iíve repeated myself and so...

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition.

NP: Sheila I agree with your challenge and you take over the subject of noise and there are 33 seconds left starting now.

SH: This is something I cannot abide. the modern trend towards having transistors on the whole time blaring out pop music to me is absolutely appalling. I cherish being able to sit in silence. However apparently I remember learning at school that the only place where you can get total silence is...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

SH: Youíll never know! Youíll never know now!

NP: What was your challenge Clement?

CF: Repetition of silence.

NP: Of silence yes, you were going on about your total silence and weíll never know. But Clement Freud I agree with the correct challenge, you gain a point and you have 13 seconds for noise starting now.

CF: Nine bean rows, and I have there a hive for the honey bee. I always thought the recluse who decided to go to Innesfree must have had a very noisy life with those insects...

WHISTLE

NP: For those of you who may not know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking when the whistle is blown gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so at the end of the first round once again Clement Freud has a lead of one over everybody else. Clement itís your turn to begin, and the subject for you is fruit cup. Can you talk to us about fruit cup for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: One of the most significant things about hibernating hedgehogs is their total abstention from fruit cup. Never do animals...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No I donít think he hesitated...

PJ: Well he slowed up for a while!

NP: Yes...

CF: You mean I speeded up a bit earlier.

NP: He was terrified when he went on about the hedgehogs and fruit cup that you were going to challenge him. So anyway no, I donít agree with the challenge, it wasnít a hesitation. Clement therefore has a point for an incorrect challenge, he keeps the subject, fruit cup, 50 seconds left starting now.

CF: Tortoises in the summer months however adore fruit cup. Mint, borridge, apple, banana, hare, grapefruit, damson...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. Why?

SH: Deviation because I donít think he can generalise about tortoises. My next door neighbourís tortoise doesnít like fruit cup. So he canít...

NP: Yes if he can, yes, but he was saying all tortoises like fruit cup...

SH: Yes.

NP: ...didnít he, and he canít prove that point...

SH: No.

NP: You can make out a very good case for saying that tortoise doesnít like it.

SH: Yeah.

NP: So I think thatís a good challenge Sheila...

SH: So do I!

NP: I think you deserve a point for it, so you take over, and the audience, one person in the audience thinks so.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Sheilaís tortoise-owning neighbour!

NP: Thirty-four seconds for fruit cup Sheila starting now.

SH: You take a bottle of fizzy lemonade and a fairly good sauterne and a dash of brandy, put in some mint, and bits of orange and lemon and some sugar, mix it all together, put it in a pretty punch bowl, and ladle it out into attractive glasses. There can be nothing more pleasant on a hot summerís evening or even a cold winterís night. If itís winter... er...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones got in first with the challenge.

PJ: Repetition of winter.

NP: I agree with your challenge of repetition, you have seven seconds for fruit cup starting now.

PJ: Soda water is a very important ingredient if youíre trying to economise. The ordinary variety will be...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was speaking then when the whistle went. At the end of that round Peter has two points and so has Sheila. Kenneth has one but Clementís in the lead with three. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin, the subject, finding a caterpillar in the salad. I donít know whether itís happened to you, itís happened to many people. But would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Well actually this reminds me of an absolutely traumatic experience in my childhood. I had school dinners, and one day I really did find a caterpillar in my salad. And being a very shy child, I hardly dared mention it. And I nibbled a bit of it, trying to disguise the fact that it was there, but it made me feel so sick that eventually I did attract the attention of my teacher and say ďthere is a caterpillar in my saladĒ. Whereupon she didnít believe me and said ďyou will stay there until you have finished that saladĒ. And I honestly had to sit there for the entire lunch hour and eat the salad, caterpillar and all. However I do believe that things have improved since, and Iím sure that children donít gte caterpillars in their salad any more. I always take the precaution of washing each lettuce leaf separately. And I put salt on to kill any...

WHISTLE

NP: That was such a pathetic story nobody...

SH: It was true! Absolutely true!

NP: I know but you were getting a bit taut at the end keeping going. Nobody wanted to challenge you Sheila because they had such sympathy for the childhood experience that you had. And of course when you start with a subject and finish with it as Sheila has done then and nobody has done that for some considerable time in Just A Minute, she gains two points for doing that and so Sheila has now got the lead at the end of that round. Well done! Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, Louis Lumiere. Do you know something about him and can you talk to us about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I believe he, with his brother August Lumiere, did start in public showing moving pictures. They were revolutionary at the time and could be fairly said to be the precursors of the modern cinema where the people come up out of the floor playing the organ all lit up so beautifully. Oh how romantic that idea is, coming out of the floor playing the organ...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: He came out of the floor too often!

NP: Yes he did.

CF: Once too often!

NP: Once is enough! There are 32 seconds left for Louis Lumiere, you have the subject Clement starting now.

CF: Louis Lumiereís second son was one... who... didnít...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams got in first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes Kenneth, now you have Louis Lumiere and there are 24 seconds left on Louis Lumiere starting now.

KW: Well he said to his wife, you know, ďhow do you think Iím going to do this?Ē And she said ďwell obviously by doing the image twice and then shoving it through a reel and having a little bit of difference in one drawing and another, and therefore it will seem, when you show it very quickly on this cylinder as though the whole thing is movingĒ. ...

WHISTLE

NP: So Louis Lumiere got some points for Kenneth Williams. Peter Jones your turn to begin and the subject is attracting attention, something we all do in this game at different times. Would you talk about it for just one minute starting now.

PJ: Because everybody here in this country is so well-mannered and polite and dull, itís becoming increasingly difficult to do it. Because they ignore you! If you are lying...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Yes because twice. Because everyone in this country and then because they ignore you.

NP: Kenneth you gain a point for the correct challenge and you have 47 seconds for attracting attention... oh dear! Attracting attention, 47 seconds Kenneth, starting now.

KW: (very very quickly) Well you can do this in various ways! Some people set themselves alight. Other people do it by shouting the odds and other...

BUZZ

KW: ...people get up and Iíve said other people three times! Isnít that ludicrous!

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Incoherence!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well actually...

PJ: He sounded as though heíd been switched on at the wrong speed!

NP: But he was certainly attracting attention, wasnít he?

PJ: Well yes he was yes.

NP: But he very sportingly gave away, it was quite incoherent, what he said was he said he did repeat himself. So Peter you have the subject, one point more to you, 41 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Lying drunk on the pavement, people step over you. They try to avoid...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well heís not discussing attracting attention.

NP: Well if someoneís lying drunk on the pavement, theyíre attracting a great deal of attention.

KW: No he just said people step over them dear! Werenít you listening? If you step over them, they canít be attracting attention, can they? Great fool!

PJ: They go round them!

NP: Kenneth! All I can say is if they werenít attracting attention, they would step on them.

PJ: I explained...

KW: Attracting attention means they step over you...

PJ: I talked about how difficult it is to attract attention!

NP: Iím all with you on this one Peter.

PJ: Oh thank you very much, thatís very nice of you.

NP: Thirty-six seconds...

PJ: Youíre doing an awfully good job I think.

NP: You see how fickle they are with their feelings towards the chairman. Right, 36 seconds for attracting attention Peter starting now.

PJ: When they were first driving motor cars, they had a man in front, walking on foot, a pedestrian carrying a red flag in order...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you again.

KW: No itís not true, itís not true, so itís deviation...

NP: It was true...

KW: That was done with a railway train, it wasnít done with cars.

NP: It was done with motor cars.

KW: On the contrary, it wasnít, never! There is no historical accuracy in that statement whatsoever!

NP: Well I prefer to back my opinion on that one and say that Peter Jones has another point. Peter you have 27 seconds for attracting attention starting now.

PJ: On the stage itís rather easier to do it, because you have the benefit of the lights, and other actors sometimes assist by looking upstage to where one is, if one is able to get there...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged again.

KW: Two ones.

NP: There were two ones, Iíll give it to you this time Kenneth, you have a correct challenge and 14 seconds for attracting attention starting now.

KW: Well Ameila Bloomer did it up by Buckingham Palace by removing her crinoline. And the public cried ďwhatho!Ē when she walked around in drawers. And that of course did draw as you might say quite a lot of attention...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you certainly attracted attention to yourself there Kenneth and you have gained some points, trying very hard all throughout. And at the end of that round, you have leapt into the lead!

KW: Well itís quite right! Itís a disgrace! I should have had it before! Thereís people cheating out there already!

NP: You usually get more excited about it. But anyway you have a lead of one over all the others. And theyíre all equal in second place...

KW: Quite right! Itís only that justice be seen to be done! Quite right.

NP: Clement Freud itís your turn to begin, the subject is lifesavers. Can you talk to us about them for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Soon after I had finished reading a book entitled How To Remain Sexually Uninvolved Administering The Kiss Of Life, I received my badge as a lifesaver on the beaches of Lowestoft and neighbouring sands. The inspector for East Anglia came along and pinned the lifesaverís badge on my left breast which caused a nasty inflammation...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you on your left breast. What was the challenge?

PJ: Repetition of the life saving badge.

NP: No you see, the word, the subject is lifesavers and we have established Peter...

PJ: He mentioned the badge twice! Didnít he?

NP: No, no, the lifesaverís badge, he mentioned only once.

PJ: Oh I see.

NP: Yes yes, we thought it was the breast you were fascinated with. Anyway itís an incorrect challenge, so Clement Freud gains a point, he keeps the subject, 60 seconds left, (laughs) 30 seconds left starting now.

CF: Having qualified I was able to grow tall and bronzed and pick up a better class of woman than I would otherwise have achieved had I remained a puny pale non-swimming specimen...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, I donít think thatís necessarily true. Because a better class of women usually like puny...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think it is obvious Sheila that the audience are on your side, there are obviously some better class of women who do like these puny sort of people. And youíve got a very good point and the only fair thing I can do is give you a point and the subject of course, 14 seconds for lifesavers starting now.

SH: However being rather common myself, I do prefer the large brawny lifesavers that you see on the beaches in Spain. I donít particularly however like the fact...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of however.

NP: Yes!

CF: Being however...

NP: Yes, tough but accurate. So you have four seconds Clement for lifesavers starting now.

CF: Help me save my flesh, shouts...

WHISTLE

SH: (laughs) Save your flesh!

NP: So subtle, you get!

KW: Well he meant after the Inspector had lacerated his breast!

NP: Oh yes! How did he become a lifesaver without giving the kiss of life? The kiss of life, your bronzed left breast and your lifesavers flesh and all the rest gave you a very definite lead at the end of that round Clement Freud. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin and the subject is independence. Can you talk to us about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is something I would advocate everybody developing because ultimately I believe we are all totally alone. It starts from the minute when you start...

NOISE OF SOMETHING FALLING OVER

NP: And nobodyís challenged you! Keep going!

SH: I can stand up...

BUZZ

NP: Ah you mustnít commit yourself out of your own mouth. Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Yes I did reluctantly, because I wanted to hear what she was going to say!

NP: We all did, but you challenged?

PJ: Well yes because I thought she was er probably expecting it and I never like to disappoint ladies.

NP: Why did you challenge?

PJ: What?

NP: Why did you challenge?

PJ: Because she said start twice.

SH: Repetition.

PJ: Repetition of start, yes.

NP: Oh I thought it was for hesitation. All right, start, so Peter you have a correct challenge and you have 47 seconds for independence starting now.

PJ: Itís something that we should encourage our children to try to acquire. And if we are able to present them with a philosophy which will assist them at whatever age they find themselves when the moment comes to leave the parental home, then they will be...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well I mean it was all so full of stops and halts and so itís all a load of rubbish! I mean he was just hesitating all the time really, just got it so slowed down...

NP: It was a bit dreary wasnít it?

KW: If... youíre... going... to ... go... on... like... that...

NP: So Kenneth for that lively challenge we give you a point and 25 seconds to continue with independence starting now.

KW: Independence was achieved at all at the Boston Tea Party by these colonial people who broke away from us, defied George the rightful King. And thus made themselves into the United States of America. Now the Americans of course do hope...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged you, why?

CF: The usual challenge, of course.

NP: Oh you wicked thing you! Every week he has an of course and there was this great romance which has flourished throughout Just A Minute between these two sitting right... And heís now slowly killing it! Of course is a correct challenge, you gain a point Clement and you have seven seconds for independence starting now.

CF: Thomas Jefferton...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: His name was Jefferson so deviation!

CF: I didnít mean Jefferson!

NP: You did! I could see by your face!

KW: (speaking in quick gibberish)

NP: Quite right! You were in America mentally, I agree with your challenge Kenneth, you have a point, five seconds for independence starting now.

KW: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness was what he advocated. And how beautiful...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams then speaking when the whistle went. So at the end of that round heís gone back into the lead, this time alongside Clement Freud. And itís a very close contest because Peter Jones is only three points, and Sheila is only four points behind the two of them. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin...

KW: Thank goodness for that! I canít, I canít get my oar in this week, at all!

NP: Weíve had plenty of oars from you!

KW: No I havenít had enough, I donít feel Iíve fulfilled myself!

NP: Well hereís a wonderful subject...

KW: What is it?

NP: On which you, for which you to fulfil...

KW: Yes? Go on! Get it out! Hurry up!

NP: You keep on about this expression of getting things out every...

KW: Well I get on with it! Iím all for modernity!

NP: My vibrations!

KW: Ah! Oh Iím sorry you thought yours were going! Thatís the subject, is it?

NP: Yes, thatíís the subject...

KW: Oh my vibrations!

NP: Yes!

KW: I see!

NP: Youíve had a little think about it. Now go on it...

KW: Well when you have...

NP: Just a second! Heís keen, good! Right, 60 seconds starting now!

KW: I was taken by this medical examining board into this room and told to hold these electrodes and they said ďwatch this diagram and it will flicker according to the impulses that vibrate from your body. And we can determine from this what your appetites are in every single respect.Ē And I said ďoh do you mean eating?Ē And they said ďmore than that, mate! We can tell what youíd be like on the job!Ē I said ďgood gracious, you mean in combat?Ē They said ďexactly! What other kind of jobs do you think there are?Ē ďOh,Ē I said ďI...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged you.

KW: She would! Rotten...

SH: Repetition of job.

NP: I agree with your challenge and you have my vibrations and 23 seconds left starting now.

SH: They vary according to my mood. If Iím feeling terse, they turn people off. However if Iím feeling happy and gay, I draw people towards me...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you, why?

PJ: Repetition of people.

SH: Yes.

NP: Yes and also she said feeling twice.

SH: They were different people though!

NP: Which everybody missed. They were different people but you still repeated it Sheila so Peter has a point and there are 12 seconds for my vibrations Peter starting now.

PJ: You can buy electric machines for...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged...

KW: Repetition, Iíve already discussed it!

NP: Yes but Peter Jones has not said electric machines.

KW: Itís the same thing! In the same round, the same thingís discussed, so that goes to me, back to me! I think...

PJ: No, no!

SH: You didnít say machines!

PJ: Yours was a testing machine!

NP: You want to finish your story, do you? Have you got something delicious to tell us?

KW: Oh I could go into a lot of other stories!

NP: No it wasnít a correct challenge because Peter Jones had not used any of those words, expressions in this particular round. So he has a point for an incorrect challenge, seven seconds for my vibrations Peter starting now.

PJ: And it has a vibrating head with little rubber fingers on it. Itís the best cure for dandruff apart from decapitation you could possibly...

WHISTLE

NP: Well this is about the keenest contest weíve had for quite some time, because Sheila is in fourth place with seven points but sheís only two points behind our three equal leaders Peter Jones, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams. So what about that! Peter Jones youíre in good form and itís your turn to begin and the subject is pets. So can you talk to us on pets for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: We have several at our home. Two cats, one black and one tabby. A tadpole, I hope itís still survived. It did this morning, was alive, was given a small piece of meat just before I left. And a terrapin as well as several live worms. They are for fishing purposes and will no doubt meet their doom at the weekend when theyíre taken down to Richmond or Kingston and thrown into the Thames at the end of a line with a hook through their...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: I donít. I donít think you could call those pets.

NP: I quite agree Sheila, I wondered when someone was going to challenge!

SH: Yes.

NP: Those are bait. No I think if somethingís a pet, the true meaning of pet is something that you love and nurture, and you donít throw it to the fish! So Sheila Iím with you on this one, you have a correct challenge, you have another point and 25 seconds for pets starting now.

SH: Iíve got two horrible cats, one is called Tarquin and the other Peep. The first one is quite attractive, but the second one is an unmarried mother...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Theyíre horrible, they canít be attractive. It does seem...

SH: Oh thatís true.

NP: They could attract in a horrific sense!

SH: Yes!

KW: Oh thatís true! That is brilliant! Oh that is true!

NP: With cats, this feline quality they have...

KW: Yes! He ought to be a lawyer!

NP: So Sheila has... thank you Kenneth! Sheila has another point and at this particular moment they are all equal by the way. And Sheila you have 14 seconds for pets starting now.

SH: It conned us into letting it in, whereupon it went up to my bedroom...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: I donít understand the language.

NP: Well youíve got to be very careful when you challenge at this stage of the game...

KW: I am being very careful! What is the English of condus? What does condus mean?

SH: Conned!

KW: Condus!

SH: A con man cons.

NP: A con man cons...

SH: And this particular cat is a con-cat!

KW: Are you, are you saying that cats play con tricks on you?

SH: All the time!

NP: I do agree that er cats can con, if er, and obviously if youíre talking in Just A Minute with the pressure of three people trying to challenge you, you must use very colloquial phrases on occasions. Which is exactly what Sheila did so it was an incorrect challenge, Sheila has another point and 10 and a half seconds for pets Sheila starting now.

SH: Having tricked its way in, it went up to my little girlís toy cupboard and had five kittens so we then had seven! It was an alarming prospect because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: She said ďwe had sevenĒ! Did she have seven kittens?

SH: We had seven pets!

NP: Seven, she could have said seven pets. But I was quite clear that she had got seven...

PJ: And so was I!

SH: Yes!

PJ: So was I! And it was a very touching little story!

SH: Yes!

PJ: I think youíre doing very well!

NP: And there is only one second left for pets with you Sheila Hancock starting now.

SH: Sheba and...

WHISTLE

NP: Well for those of you who have been feeling the tension in the audience, I have to tell you that we have no time to play any more Just A Minute, so I have to read you out the final result. You probably guessed it because Sheila Hancock in spite of tremendous pressures, particularly from Kenneth Williams and all the other men, the three male competitors in this game came equal in second place with nine points. But they were this week beaten by our only lady competitor Sheila Hancock with 12 points! We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.