JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 February 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four competitors of the game to try and speak for just one minute if they can on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. And according to how well they do this they will gain points or their opponents will. And if you donít yet know how we play the game, the rest should become obvious as we play it. Sheila Hancock will you begin the show this week, the subject is frozen food. Can you talk to us about that for Just A Minute starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: My lifestyle has completely changed since I bought a deep freeze. I recommend them to everybody, particularly if you are a working wife. You can thereby cook a lot of food in advance, put it in the deep freeze and then you bring it up...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well why is she going you... can... get.. a ... lot... of... food... and... Why doesnít she talk naturally?

SH: For the same reason you go (does a damn good impression of KW) liiiiiike thaaat...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: Leave it out!

KW: Mmmmm! Now I know why you were going up and down the queue outside giving them bank notes!

NP: Youíve all, you all find your ways of playing the game. And Sheilaís found this particular way very effective.

SH: Actually I repeated deep freeze too.

NP: I know, and they were very kind, they let you get away with it Sheila. And as that challenge was not correct you gain a point Sheila, you keep the subject and you have 45 seconds for frozen food starting now.

SH: It means you can do a monthís cooking in advance. Or if you have a party and you have some leftovers, you just put them in tinfoil and shove them in the cupboard which is frozen. And bring it out at a later date. I think it is questionable whether food tastes as good after it has been frozen. But nowadays things have to be convenient and therefore sometimes you sacrifice flavour. Anyway food has been very deeply iced when you buy it from the shop, so I feel that it doesnít make a great deal of difference if you do it yourself. Also an advantage is if you have a lot of vegetables growing in the garden, and a surplus, you can put them in the same place that Iím referring to...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle which Ian Messiter blows for us tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Sheila Hancock. In fact no-one else has spoken in that round except Sheila Hancock so nobody else has scored.

SH: It was a good advert for a deep freeze.

NP: And I would love to see a garden that has surpluses growing in it! The second round, we would like Kenneth Williams to begin and the subject Kenneth is art. Can you talk to us about art for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I think it was Ruskin that said itís that which lifts up our spirits in the aesthetic sense, and makes the world a more beautiful place to be in. There is a functional school of philosophy which maintains that a power works should look like one. And there is another school that main...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Schools.

NP: A repetition of school, one school of thought and another one, Iím afraid Kenneth. So that was a correct challenge so Clement gets a point for that and he has 39 seconds with art starting now.

CF: Thirty-nine seconds with Art...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: ...could be said to be too long. Because of all the boring, tedious and unintelligent people I have met, Art must be the epitome of sheer dumb...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, he couldnít think of any more adjectives to describe Art and so he dried up. Kenneth you have a point and there are 21 seconds for art starting now.

KW: Well of course the most beautiful example of this can be found in the National Gallery and it is called The Incredulity of Thomas. It is by a man called Guercino and itís interesting to note in his biography that he prayed every morning. Which bears out the Michelangelo dictum that only a very moral man should be able to paint...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williamsí interesting dissertation on art gained him a number of points, in fact two. And at the end of that round he has two points, for he hadnít scored before. Clement Freud, your turn to begin. The qualities that make up the ideal woman, that is the subject. So can you talk on it Clement for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The qualities that make up the ideal woman for me are silence, a complete adherence to the domination of man!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: The whole thing is very kinky!

NP: I think actually Sheila yes, and he paused didnít he. He was so, the image was sufficiently devious for me to grant it to you Sheila.

CF: Oh!

NP: And there are 45 seconds left starting now.

SH: Well i think she should be about five foot eight tall, have nut brown hair and be...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Deviation, the subject is woman, ideal woman.

NP: Yes what about it?

KW: Well obvious deviation, sheís no objectivity about it at all!

NP: It qualifies, she, she can still talk about what she thinks what qualities would make up the ideal woman. Sheís a woman, sheís entitled to an opinion.

KW: (screams) How can a woman have any objectivity about that subject. Itís obvious the whole thing should be handled by a man! Youíd better give it to me, Iíll discuss it!

NP: Youíll be saying in a minute we shouldnít have women on the programme again.

KW: Yes! There shouldnít be women on this show! Itís a disgrace! Quite right! Itís doing half the blokes out of work, isnít it! Out of a job! We could all do with the money!

SH: I...

NP: I disagree with your challenge Kenneth so Sheila has another point and there are 40 seconds left Sheila starting now.

SH: And she should be called Sheila Hancock!

KW: Ohhhhhh!

SH: And have a lovely face with long legs...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: That isnít a quality!

KW: Sheíd say it is!

NP: A very clever challenge...

CF: I thought five foot eight was little enough of a quality! To be called Sheila Hancock...

NP: No I quite agree...

SH: All right! I have to concede that Iím not!

NP: Thirty-seven seconds for the qualities that make up the ideal woman Clement back with you after your last thoughts starting now.

CF: Her eyes should be golden. And in her hair she should wear a bandanna and I would be there. Her teeth ought to be made of white pearly enamel. And her lips should be ruby red. Whereas the neck...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Kenneth you have a point for a correct challenge of hesitation, 19 seconds left starting now.

KW: One would observe that the man, of course, is superior! And...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Total deviation!


NP: Why?

SH: Rot! The man of course is superior! No!

NP: But heís entitled to say...

PETER JONES: But that isnít a quality of the woman, to believe that! Itís an opinion perhaps!

NP: In Kenneth Williamsí opinion it can be a quality...

CF: Her superiority! Or inferiority!

NP: ... which heís entitled to express in Just A Minute. So he has another point and there are 13 seconds left...

CF: Quite right! Quite right!

NP: ...on the subject Kenneth starting now.

KW: To accept the fact that she was the product of one of his ribs! As is written in the Great Book! And that on the seventh day they should both have a rest! And...

WHISTLE

LONGER THAN USUAL LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

NP: That, that is one of the loveliest thoughts weíve had in Just A Minute!

SH: (barely able to speak through laughing) And on the seventh day they should both have a rest!

KW: I need a cup of tea and an aspirin!

NP: I know! We just pause to linger on all the thoughts that that idea conjures up! Of having that as a female quality Kenneth! But anyway that particular quality and thought took you into the lead at the end of that particular round Kenneth. And...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No itís all right! Itís Sheila Hancockís turn to begin and we have another long subject. The qualities that make up the ideal man.

SH: Oh!

NP: So itís very apt Sheila that you should start on this one and there are 60 seconds to go starting now.

SH: Well it wouldnít be like any of this lot! I can tell you that! I think the qualities that would make up an ideal man are exactly the same as those that make up a similar woman. Because I donít think one should differentiate between the sexes. Humanity, compassion...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: Well deviation, you have to, you have to differentiate between the sexes! I mean goodness gracious me!

SH: In qualities...

KW: They both look very different, dear! Havenít you noticed?

SH: I was talking about the qualities that go to make up the ideal one!

NP: Actually she was not, in saying it, deviating from the subject on the card. So she has a point and she has 44 seconds left starting now.

SH: Intelligence, forbearance, a sense of humour, looking after your looks but if youíre not pretty it really doesnít matter...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is obviously all about me! And I think...

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Itís quite wrong... itís quite wrong, you know, to draw attention to me in this way!

SH: Listen Nick, heís...

KW: Itís my turn next and Iíve got to say it all over again!

SH: Heís obviously dying to tell us about his ideal man! So....

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh no! Oh no! No, no!

NP: She very generously handed it to you Kenneth because she, sheís decided that um...

SH: I want to know! Go on!

NP: Yes she wants to know! So you have a point from Sheila and you have the subject from Sheila, 35 seconds left to tell us the qualities that make up the ideal man starting now.

KW: They were all contained in that paragon, I would call, that most virtuous of contemporary figures, Mahatma Gandhi. Who without any kind of worldly ambition sat in that dhoti and adopted the diet and the regimen of the poorest of his people. And set an example unequalled in nobility and fortitude and humility for the rest...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged your dissertation.

PJ: Repetition of humility.

NP: Yes. You did have humility before. And it was a good challenge even though we were absolutely transfixed with the mood that you had created very cleverly as you talked about Mahatma Gandhi. Nine seconds for Peter Jones on...

SH: And I agree! I agree!

NP: ...starting now.

PJ: Honesty, zest and humour. An enjoyment of life which can be shared with the opposite number whatever sex it might be...

WHISTLE

NP: The opposite number whatever sex it might be, that line was drowned in the applause Peter. You got a point for speaking when the whistle went Peter Jones and you have crept up into... last place...

PJ: I havenít been creeping!

SH: He leapt!

NP: Well youíve crawled up into second to last place alongside Clement Freud...

PJ: He always says the other people leap forward!

NP: ...two points behind Sheila Hancock, and sheís one point behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin. Stop making faces at the audience Kenneth! And concentrate because itís your turn to begin. The subject, Suetonius. Can you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Heís certainly written some very titivating accounts of the more decadent Roman Emperors. And I was engrossed with the things he said about Tiberius in that swimming pool of his in the villa at Capri with all these other nudists larking about, and these disgraceful paintings over the bed head, which I believe got him going something rotten! I think nowadays of course there would be a prosecution brought about it! But you could go about doing roughly speaking what you liked, because you were thoroughly autocratic. In a way itís a pity more donít go on nowadays! Iíd like to indulge...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SH: is he still talking about whatever was on the card? He seems to be generalising...

NP: I think thatís a very good challenge...

SH: ...about life and his...

NP: Heís got off Suetonius and talking about what Suetonius wrote about...

SH: Yes...

NP: ...which is what went on at that particular time. A very good challenge Sheila. Everybody else was intimidated by his knowledge of the particular subject...

SH: Yes!

NP: ...so they didnít challenge before. Sheila you have a point and 19 seconds for Suetonius starting now.

SH: Well there was this feller, Fred Suetonius, who lived in Rome in 64 BC...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes I agree. If youíd said Fred Suetonius who lived in Ryeslip in 1768 youíd have got away with it! Clement has a correct challenge and 13 seconds for Suetonius starting now.

CF: There is a story which is almost certainly apocryphal about Cetonius Tiberius and Catalonius who met in a lowly tea shop...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Because they could never have met anywhere, Suetonius wasnít alive in Tiberiusís period.

CF: This is why I said it was almost certainly apocryphal.

NP: He did say that you know. So he actually gains a point for that and has five seconds left on...

PJ: My ignorance is mounting! You see I donít know all this sensitive area...

CF: Utonus on the other hand lived in a completely different century from that occupied by...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, things that make me angry. Can you talk about some of those in 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: They donít really!

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes but he hadnít started. So he has another point, things that make me angry starting now.

PJ: Havenít really been made angry by them, because theyíre inanimate objects and you canít get all heated about things! Now the people who make them. Weíre very fortunate in our area. We have a marvellous bakery where they sell crusty loaves. But on occasions when I have to buy bread wrapped and sliced, I am driven crazy by these huge lumps of stuff at either end. Why do they do it? To make us waste it? Nobody can eat it, itís all soggy and damp and very unwholesome. White, all the nourishment has been drained out of it systematically to make more money for the bakers and the brewers also are not entirely innocent. If you go up and down the country drinking beer as I often do, and I hope one day youíll all join me, Iíd like to take you now in fact, I could do with a half! But...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Deviation, his enjoyment of beer drinking is nothing to do with making, things that make him angry.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you were going...

PJ: If I have enough beer, I can get very ugly!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A clever twist Peter but too late! You were definitely gone! And you showed your anger in your face, it was magnificent, but you then got into a very happy note, asking them all to join you for drinks. I agree with Kennethís challenge, he gains a point and there are five seconds left, things that make me angry starting now.

KW: Anyone that interrupts my conversational flow, I could really scream at and bash their faces in!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: He said anyone and itís about things! Not people!

NP: Well those are the things that make him angry. I disagree with your challenge...

PJ: So everybody is going to win except me!

NP: No youíre doing very well Peter. And you have half a second, Kenneth Williams, on things that make me angry starting now.

KW: Footsteps behind me drive me mad!

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth gained that extra point for speaking when the whistle went, heís now increased his lead so he is now the outright leader at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, tiddlywinks. Can you talk to us on tiddlywinks for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Tiddlywinks is a game that many people think is played solely by children. Whereas in fact adults all over the country indulge in it. At most major universities there are tiddlywinks clubs. And comparatively grown-up people stand around a blanket on which there is a cup and a number of plastic discs of different colours. The idea being to depress the larger tiddlywink with an even greater wink of yet a different hue and subject it into the container placed in a... prominent circular position...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a hesitation. Twenty-five seconds for you on tiddlywinks Kenneth starting now.

KW: I once saw this played in a public house. It was in the east end of London and I was really quite attracted by it! I saw them flipping up and down and thought ďoh what a charming gameĒ. I said ďdo you win anything at it?Ē They said ďno, not any money actually, the idea, we donít play for money...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of money.

NP: There was too much money flowing around that pub game. You have a correct challenge and nine seconds for tiddlywinks starting now.

CF: I was requested not long ago by the faculty of Newcastle to come and be President of their Tiddlywinks Society, a job which I accepted...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went. He gained the extra point but heís still in second place behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. Sheilaís still in third place and Peter Jones still in fourth. And Sheila Hancock your turn to begin, the subject, inexperience. Can you talk to us from the wealth of your experience about inexperience starting now.

SH: Well I am a very inexperienced tiddlywink player. However I have a bash at it. I am also less experienced than the other members of the team at playing Just A Minute as I only guest on it occasionally. However I am loveable and I donít mind losing. I also... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KW: Well itís nothing, nothing to do with lack of experience is it? I mean itís all to do with whether sheís good at gamesmanship and things like that.

SH: Oh I said...

KW: Deviation.

NP: If youíd had her for hesitation I would have agreed but to my mind she had firm;y established...

KW: Oh well give it to her! I donít know, Iím not bothered!

NP: No, she said she had less experience which is more inexperience at Just A Minute than you others. I think it was quite clear what she was talking about and there are 42 seconds for you to continue Sheila on inexperience starting now.

SH: Actually it is a quality that I think I find rather attractive. I donít like people who are cocky and know what itís about. I would rather see somebody slightly hesitant. I think thereís nothing more endearing than a child who is not quite sure how to do something. And certainly as far as performers are concerned there can be a great deal of charm in somebody who isnít glib and slick and stylish, which is probably the attraction of a lot of the pop artists of today. And Peter Jones as he so obviously pointed to himself to show us. I also think that Nicholas Parsons is the absolute antithesis of this. He is a very experienced chairman and if I was in his position...

WHISTLE

NP: Very well, she started with the subject and she finished with the subject, she gained two points. She said some very nice things and thank you for the personal ones too Sheila. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject difficulties. Something I think you know a great deal about. Youíre not always in them, you often create them. Would you talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The difficulties in my life largely consist in comprehending the mathematically monumental things. If they tell me the difference between five shillings and eight, I will, roughly speaking, know what theyíre talking about. But if they discuss millions and megawatts, then I am lost. The bicycle sheds that are built for the Nuffield workers can be understood. But the idea of an atomic reactor costing 30 thousand million...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: ... canít be understood at all. Consequently there is no way we can discuss this rationally.

NP: Clement has challenged you Kenneth, why?

CF: Repetition of million.

NP: Yes there was more than one million. And so Kenneth, Clement has a correct challenge and he has 24 seconds for difficulties starting now.

CF: One of the great difficulties for me is flying a harrier jet. Because it has more levers and buttons, charts, gauges, wind vanes and other instruments than I am able to comprehend. As a result I go up, and find it terribly difficult to come down. Many people would think that this is an advantage...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freudís difficulties speaking when the whistle went amongst them while on the subject gained him an extra point and took him into the lead alongside Kenneth Williams at the end of that round. Itís still a very close contest. Peter Jones your turn to begin, and the subject is from difficulties, follies. Can you talk to us on the subject of follies, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I am reminded of the famous ones that happened during the First World war or perhaps even earlier. Harry Policiaís famous follies and the ones invented by Flo Ziegfeld in the new Amsterdam Theatre in New York in about 1905, six, seven and eight. And ran for many years after that, glorifying the beauty of the American woman. And many famous comedians took part in these follies, Will Hay was one of them and um WC Fields and er a number of people...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has helped you out.

SH: Iím sorry but he is hesitating, isnít he. He keeps doing um and er er...

NP: Yes he is really. Will Hay was never in the Ziegfield Follies, I donít think.

PJ: No, thatís why I hesitated because...

NP: I know!

PJ: ...I knew he wasnít!

NP: I know, I could see it on your face!

PJ: Some other... Will Rogers I was trying to think of.

NP: Will Rogers, yes, yes, thatís right. So anyway Sheila had you for hesitation rather than deviation. And Sheila has 18 seconds left for follies starting now.

SH: Tis folly is to be wise. I was once in the follies myself and the opening number went...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged you first.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, hesitation. And I must remind you listeners, this is the last subject of the show because we havenít any time at the end of this game. Follies with you, 12 seconds left Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well of course it would be ridiculous and foolish if I were to take all my clothes off in the middle of Piccadilly Circus! If on the other hand I did have...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.

SH: Deviation, I donít think it would be foolish at all!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Iíve got these see-through briefs!

PJ: No, it wouldnít be a folly, it would be a misdemeanour!

NP: It might be a folly if he got into trouble for it. So I disagree with the challenge, Kenneth has another point and there are four and a half seconds left for follies starting now.

KW: Once I committed one by being the fairy on the top of the Christmas tree, and spread light and joy...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams was speaking then when the whistle went, he gained that extra point, he also gained points for his follies throughout that round. And as I said a little earlier, this was to be the last round in this weekís show so I must now give you the final score. As you might have guessed from the way things have been going, Peter Jones was just in fourth place, Sheila Hancock was only just in third place. Clement Freud was barely in second place. But undoubtedly this weekís winner is Kenneth Williams! We do hope that you have enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.