WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and JUNO ALEXANDER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 February 1972)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Juno Alexander in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard weíre delighted to welcome back to the programme Juno Alexander who has had the courage to return and do battle with our three regular male competitors of the game. She is, as it were, in the hot seat, because thatís where the lady usually sits because she doesnít get as much practice as the men.
JUNO ALEXANDER: Ohhhh! Ohhhh!
NP: Once... once again iím going to ask them all to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And according to how well they do this and how often they are challenged they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth... are you ready to begin the show?
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Of course I am! Iím poised!
NP: Oh, you seemed to be in deep conversation with...
KW: No Iím thoughtful!
NP: Oh, thoughtful! Oh! I thought you were discussing form with your partner...
KW: Iím holding all my energies in reserve...
KW: Go on! Fire at me!
NP: Fire at you! What a lovely subject for you to start with, fellow feeling.
NP: Kenneth will you talk to us for 60 seconds if you can on fellow feeling starting now.
KW: Fellow feeling is something that I possess in abundance. Indeed it is an absolutely essential element in ensemble work, and of course, in the theatre represents the premier kind of expression. And actors working in this involve being flung one to the other. And the feeling that they are sharing, that there is room, consideration for others, is the only way we can ever truly achieve a 100 percent mesonsane or total effect, call it what you will. One of the very best directors in history, Guthrie, always maintained that the making of an atmosphere in which an artist could be uninhibited was the essential factor in...
NP: Peter Jones has dared to challenge you, why?
PETER JONES: Repetition of essential. He said essential quite early on.
NP: Did he? I was so carried away with what he was saying.
PJ: Well I was, quite.
NP: So much with the mood he was creating, I donít remember whether he said it before.
PJ: Well yes he did say it before, and I could see Clement Freud flicking his thumb.
NP: And heís very honest, heís nodded his head and said he did say it before. So Peter Jones you have a correct challenge, therefore you gain a point and you take over the subject and there are 18 seconds for fellow feeling starting now.
PJ: At the Royal Zoological gardens in Regentís Park in London, St Johnís Wood actually in W8...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
CLEMENT FREUD: Ah Regentís Park, deviation.
CF: Regentís Park and St Johnís Wood are adjacent sub-departments of Camden.
NP: Well tried Clement...
CF: To say that Regentís Park is in St Johnís Wood...
KW: Is deviation!
CF: ...is deviation.
NP: He did not actually say that, to my mind, he said Regentís Park in London, St Johnís Wood. He conveyed to me that Regentís Park was adjacent to St Johnís Wood and not in St Johnís Wood. And therefore Iím going to give Peter Jones the benefit of the doubt in this situation, award him a point for an incorrect challenge and tell him there are 13 seconds left for you to continue on fellow feeling starting now.
PJ: On Sunday mornings this great zoo is thrown open to the fellows, who are able to fondle the animals and be photographed...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?
KW: Deviation, no fellow has ever fondled animals in the zoological gardens at all!
NP: You are able to fondle some of the animals in Petís Corner.
KW: He said fellows of the Zoological Society...
NP: Yes Iíve seen some of those funny fellows go down into the Petís Corner with their children and fondle the animals...
PJ: Oh yes...
NP: And say ďlook dearie..Ē
PJ: And snakes as well, Iíve seen that.
NP: A snakeís head?
PJ: Oh yes.
NP: Well Iíve seen them with the deer and Iíve been down once and been butted by one of the goats there too! Four seconds left for fellow feeling with you Peter Jones starting now.
PJ: Someone with a camera took a snap of a fellow feeling and captured this...
NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones, so at the end of that round he actually is the only person to score. He has a commanding lead for once in his life of four points!
PJ: Iíd better take my jacket off!
NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject now is my desserts. Can you talk on my desserts for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: When I talk about my desserts, my children always feel that it ought to be called deserts and of course they are wrong. But whichever of the two you are referring to, I would like to tell you two missionaries called Catherine and Sid who died...
NP: Juno Alexander why have you challenged?
JA: Well now surely those missionaries arenít desserts.
NP: We donít know yet, they sounded as if...
JA: Ah, you give...
NP: ...they might ne just Clement Freudís desserts.
JA: I donít know, this is a funny game!
NP: We have to give him a chance to establish it Juno. so...
JA: I donít see why, heís so clever, he can afford a few disadvantages!
NP: I know, thatís why he so often wins. But...
NP: Weíll see, 43 seconds on my desserts Clement starting now.
CF: And when the cannibals got at them and put them in a pot and made Kate and Sidney Pie, they got their desserts!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
CF: Which you couldnít call my desserts...
NP: Peter Jones challenged. Why?
PJ: Well heís got the joke over, so I... I donít mind interrupting and saying heís mentioned Kate and Sidney twice!
PJ: He repeated them!
KW: Catharine and Sid.
NP: Kate and Sidney Pie and then during the laughter he said Catharine and Sidney which is very clever...
CF: No, before that.
NP: Before that, before...
PJ: He did?
NP: Yes he did.
PJ: Oh I beg your pardon.
NP: No, well tried, well tried Peter. It was worth it just to hear the joke anyway.
NP: An incorrect challenge from Peter Jones, so Clement Freud was speaking, he gains another point, and keeps the subject, there are 30 seconds left for my dessert Clement starting now.
CF: Bread and butter pudding, trifle, apple and apricot crumble are probably my desserts that are most appreciated by the housewives of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, France, German, Italy, Spain, Luxembourg, Belgium, Liechtenstein...
NP: He didnít... the hesitation has to be slightly longer Juno, I must...
JA: I see.
NP: So for an incorrect challenge of hesitation Clement gains another point and 10 seconds for my desserts Clement starting now.
CF: Cream custard and junket are useful things to pour on to my desserts. Although there are some who like them dry without anything at all on the plate, spoon, fork...
NP: Well Clement Freud started with my desserts, and in spite of a number of challenges finished with my desserts. And heís now equal in the lead with Peter Jones. Juno Alexander, now is your chance my dear. Will you begin the next round. And the subject, delightfully chosen for you by Ian Messiter is one size tights. Can you talk to us on that delightfully feminine subject for 60 seconds starting now.
JA: These are particularly useful when stuffed. You place several inside one and seal the end. When laid on the ground, inside the door, they stop draughts very effectively from entering. However if their uniqueness lies in their smallness, they do impede the gait of taller girls as the crutch comes around the knee joint which makes rather amusing walking, but is not very practical for getting on buses. On the other hand if they are very large...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
CF: Wearing tights on the other hand.
JA: They can be, they can be, I use them as polishers!
NP: Well Clement Freud gains, I think, a well deserved bonus point, for a clever challenge but is Juno was not actually deviating from the subject on the card, she continues with it for 22 seconds starting now.
JA: If they are very large, the small girl is in danger of having skin on her legs that looks like elephants. Also the body comes up underneath the armpits and can indeed cover the entire head, which is useful to give the girl herself to her husband as he...
NP: Well done Juno! And you thought there was no chivalry in this game!
JA: There isnít, is there!
NP: Anyway you gained a well-deserved point because you finished as the whistle went. And you are now well back in the game, in third place, just in front of Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin. Kenneth the subject is small talk. Can you talk to us on small talk starting now.
KW: Well I was going to this ploy at parties, where this kind of thing is asked for. He says ďI like New York In june, how about you?Ē And invariably people reply in a similar idiom. But on one occasion this man said ďI like New York any time of the yearĒ which means I just repeated myself...
NP: Juno Alexander challenged.
JA: Heís had New York twice, hadnít he?
NP: New York came in twice and so you gain a point for a correct challenge Juno and you take over the subject of small talk and there are 35, seven seconds left starting now.
JA: Small talk is really indulged in by dwarves or very little people in miniscule voices on trivial subjects. At parties and is accompanied by giggles, dickles, smiles and gestures...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: You said accompanied by dickles! I donít understand that!
CF: Itís the name of a dwarf, I thought!
NP: Itís a special laugh that dwarves have! Dickles!
PJ: Oh it is?
JA: It is in fact the name of a dwarf who accompanies his friend to a party...
CF: Thatís what I said.
JA: Thatís what you said, I stole it from you!
NP: All right, so weíll give you the benefit of the doubt on your dickles Juno and let you have a point there, a very dicklish point and 19 seconds to continue on small talk starting now.
NP: Oh who challenged? Clement.
CF: Well she spoke much more quickly last time! She didnít seem to say anything this time.
NP: A very, very clever and subtle challenge but it is correct I thought. So Clement, instead of saying pause, you went about it that way. You have another point and you have 17 seconds for small talk starting now.
CF: Does your mother take in washing? Does she stir her mangle? Whatís become of the old piano your sister used to strangle? Has your father plenty of work? Does he still get plenty of booze too? Tell me all the particulars and stop this nonsense...
NP: Juno Alexanderís challenged.
JA: But that is deviation. Thatís small talk. Does your mother take in washing, this can lead to...
NP: Yes it can lead to all kinds of things, that kind of small talk.
NP: So Iím afraid Clement Freud has another point and six seconds to continue with small talk starting now.
CF: How are you? Iím quite well, thank you very much. The weather is inclement, do you not think? No...
NP: That no was about the smallest talk Iíve ever heard. But fortunately you got it in before you were challenged. So at the end of that round Clement Freud, you have gone into the lead now ahead of Peter Jones. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, from small talk to talking big. Can you go on that subject Peter for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: This is a reputation that Americans undeservedly have in this country and elsewhere. And I heard about a tour... a bus tour...
NP: Kenneth Williams got in first then.
NP: Hesitation. And so Kenneth you take over the subject having gained a point of talking big starting now.
KW: Well it is idiosyncratic and obviously it means to be raggedly boastful and indulging in the kind of vainglory. Well of course this is something many egomaniacs are prone to do. And the archetypal romantic like Adolf Hitler was notable for this kind of thing. Up and down the room in Berchtesgaden he used to go. And bored everybodyís pants off them, but they all said afterwards ďhe does talk very big! Very big!Ē And of course heís got a reputation for it, you see. So had Hermann Goring, was the same with all those medals, and always saying what the Luftwathe was going to do. Well as of course we know, it didnít! It wasnít even capable of it! Was once faked with those Spitfires, the Battle of Britain proved our supremacy! And yet this kind of thing has taken in people, hasnít it! Metro Goldwyn Mayer, old Louie, he always said ďget outside the bedroom door and pray for your mother, as mother is dying...Ē
NP: Well done Kenneth! They enjoyed your talking big and they let you get way with two very bigs. I have to mention that because sometimes we do get letters. I think they noticed it but they let Kenneth go because he went so well!
JA: And there were two mothers too and I was...
NP: And he deserved the two points for that. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, the subject now is sense. From that to sense. Can you talk to us for that, Just A Minute starting now.
CF: When a man came up to near Stokumber which is in the vicinity of Frokeham in Somerset and said ďdo you ken John Peel, with his coat so grey?Ē I said ďactually, not, but I have smelt his scentsĒ. I was told that this was ungrammatical, it should have been I have scented his odour, but this is unimportant because if you go fox hunting, stage or hare chasing it is terribly important to get a whiff through your nostrils and identify the prey which is later called a kill. I think Iíll stop here... All right, Iíll go on...
NP: Right and Kenneth got in first. They were so surprised, he said Iíll stop here and they didnít know what happened!
JA: (laughing) Oh!
NP: Kenneth you got in first, and?
NP: Hesitation of course and in fact everything else you want to challenge on for that point. There are 20 seconds left for you now Kenneth on sense starting now.
KW: This means that you so arrange the literature, the conversation or what have you in a logical order, whereby your interlocutor can perfectly comprehend your meaning. Indeed crystalline should be oneís motivation in this sense. Because after all what is the point of any kind of talk between one and the other...
NP: Well once again Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, he gained that extra point and he has leapt forward from fourth place into third! Ahead of Juno Alexander who is trailing somewhat behind Peter Jones who is a few points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Juno Alexander your turn to begin. The subject, Juno, joy. Can you talk to us about joy for 60 seconds starting now.
JA: Joy is a very extraordinary girl with whom I was at school. And who did herself an injury when using her ingenuity to do up a zip with a piece of string. However although this spoiled her sense of humour, it in no way impaired her marital... er...
NP: Kenneth Williams you...
KW: Hesitation Iím afraid.
NP: Yes I must say, when she got to that thought, she did hesitate.
JA: I did!
NP: If Joyís listening in now, Iím sure sheís delighted to know that Juno didnít go any further. Kenneth you have another point for a correct challenge and you have 40 seconds on joy starting now.
KW: Probably this is best shown by the true juvenile, those people who in their jubilation, theyíre trying to come quiet, ecstatic, unbounded, uninhibited. And we are all affected by the incredible joy which they spread all around them. Some people live life as humorous, Jimmy Edwards I think of, always spreading light and joy...
JA: Two joys! Two joys! Repetition!
KW: Youíre allowed to repeat the title.
JA: Youíre allowed, Iím sorry.
NP: Yes! Well tried Juno...
JA: Iím having a hard time!
NP: I know! But just relax on it, youíll find it much easier really. Because you challenged it was incorrect, Kenneth gets another point and he continues with joy for 18 seconds starting now.
KW: Joy unbounded, as I say! And letís all agree you canít have enough of it! The good book says joy cometh in the morning and so so I! Comport yourself in a joyful manner and then youíll all be delighted...
NP: So in spite of challenges which all worked to Kennethís advantage he really has leapt forward at the end of that round and heís now in a very definite second place, only one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams weíre going to hear from you again because itís your turn to begin and the subject, Machiavelli. Can you talk to us about him for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: (in weird almost unintelligible accent, a combination of country, old and Welsh) Well as you know, he was a Prince, I mean he wrote about the Prince, he wasnít actually a Prince himself of course...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
CF: (laughing) Three Princes in two seconds!
NP: Yes, if Iíd heard them, iím sure I would agree with you!
KW: (still in accent) I was feeling my way! I was just feeling my way there!
NP: We had so much joy on the last round...
KW: (continues to quietly gabble)
NP: He had to find another way to be joyful and it was in a different voice. Clement I agree with the challenge, you have 54 seconds for Machiavelli starting...
CF: How much time?
NP: You have 54 seconds for Machiavelli starting now.
CF: Machiavelli has now become a term used for diabolical people, for men and women imbued with a sort of demon quality which kills the joy and pleasure that others might derive. In Pygmalion written by George Bernard Shaw from an old myth written by Anonymous in Greek times, one of the characters is... In fact, I was talking about Major Barbara by the same author, referred to as Machiavelli. He was played by Monty Woolley in a film I saw when I was quite young, and later by Alexander Woollcott in a play which I saw some time after that...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?
PJ: He wasnít played by Monty Woolley, he was played by um Robert Morley. But that really has nothing to do with it anyway.
NP: Why? I mean what is the play youíre referring to then?
PJ: The Man Who Came To Dinner.
NP: Yes. But it wasnít anything to George Bernard Shaw anyway. But actually it was...
PJ: It wasnít anything to do with Machiavelli.
NP: ...played by Monty Woolley in the film.
PJ: Oh it was?
NP: It was definitely.
PJ: I mean Major Barbara wasnít.
PJ: Whatís it got to do with Machiavelli?
NP: If youíd challenged on saying that play was not by Bernard Shaw, I would have upheld the challenge. Definitely.
PJ: But what, what Iím challenging on is the fact that itís nothing to do with Machiavelli...
PJ: ...who did in fact write a play called the Man from Goda which was adapted into English by Ashley Dukes, and it was done in 1933 without Monty Woolley or Robert Morley!
NP: Youíve made the whole thing so devious now, I donít really know what the challenge was! What is the challenge, back to first base?
NP: I donít think strictly speaking...
NP: ...that Clement Freud was deviating from the subject on the card which is machiavelli. And if youíre not satisfied I will put it to the audience for a final decision.
PJ: Oh you might as well! Why not! Yes yes all right!
NP: All right, if you ah agree, youíve heard what I said and if you now agree...
PJ: Letís get it clear! What are they going to do if they agree with me?
NP: They will cheer.
PJ: Cheer, I see.
NP: And if they disagree with you and uphold the, disagree with the challenge, in other words youíre on Clement Freudís side in this situation will you please boo, and will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Youíre all devious. Because I always say the audience has the final say, but I disagree with you actually. But youíre on Peter Jonesís side so Peter Jones gets a point and he takes over the subject with 15 seconds to go on Machiavelli starting now.
PJ: He wrote this play called Mandra Goda which was adapted into English and called Mistress From The Inn and performed at the Mercury Theatre in London, 1933 or possibly four. Wonderful notices in all the national papers...
NP: Peter Jonesís actual description of that particular Machiavellian character gave him two extra points. He has crept up but heís still one point behind Kenneth Williams who is two points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject is optical illusions. Can you talk to us about those for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Very difficult to get over on the radio! They are often ah black lines...
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Well hesitation.
NP: Hesitation I agree...
PJ: It was hesitate, donít put it to the audience!
KW: He did hesitate, itís exactly so long...
NP: That was an optical illusion. Kenneth you have a point and you have 53 seconds for optical illusions starting now.
KW: One of the most interesting of these is created by what is called the Aurora Borialus. Oh how often have we stood on the peninsula or frobontery, depending of course on your personal proclivities in that matter. (laughs)
KW: Who challenged?
NP: Clement Freud.
KW: Oh so why did you challenge?
CF: Repetition of ha.
NP: Kenneth if you dry yourself up with your personal proclivities... you must expect to be challenged. But there was a repetition of ha and Clement Freud... and you can hardly afford to do it because this will have to be the last subject that we have time for in this particular show. And Clement Freud has gained another point, heís increased his lead and he takes over the subject of optical illusions, he has 36 seconds left starting now.
CF: Standing on the tee at my local golf club, I took a number four iron and projected the ball towards the green. And miraculously it flew over two bunkers and rolled straight into the hole. Before I was able to shout ďhurrahĒ, tip my caddy, and celebrate generally, I was told that in fact I had missed. This was an optical illusion, the ball remained where it was at the beginning...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, this is not an optical illusion at all, itís just his error of judgement!
CF: Itís not!
NP: I think the audience applause indicates that theyíre on your side and they appreciate that was an element of error of judgement. Because if he saw down, looked down, and saw that the ball wasnít there, it wouldnít be an optical illusion. It would be a fantasy, more like, I think! So I will give you the benefit of the doubt because the audience decide that way and say you have seven seconds for optical illusions Kenneth starting now.
KW: Well Scrooge had one when he saw this spectre that said ďI am the ghost of Christmas past!Ē Well of course, what did he do? He had the most terrible...
NP: I said a little while ago we would have no more time at the end of this round so Iím afraid we have to finish this particular game of Just A Minute and it only remains for me to give you the final score. Juno Alexander coming back to the game, not having played it for a long time, tried very hard but she finished in fourth place. A little way behind Peter Jones who finished in second place. And they were both behind this weekís joint winners who were, because of the last two points that he gained, Kenneth Williams alongside Clement Freud! We do hope that you enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.