NOTE: Julian Clary's first appearance.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!


NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four entertaining and diverse personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome two outstanding young comedians of today. One of them who has played the game many times before, that is Paul Merton. And another outstanding comedian who has never played the game before, but we are equally delighted to have him here, and that is Julian Clary. We also welcome back two of the oldest players of the game, theyíve been playing it as long as I have, that is Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And would you please welcome all four of them! I am very fortunate where I sit because I have beside me the lovely Elaine Wigley who has a stopwatch in one hand which lets me know how many seconds have passed after each challenge. And also she blows a whistle when 60 seconds have passed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Jersey Arts Centre in St Heliers, the capital of this lovely Channel Island. And we are facing the highly motivated and exciting Jersey audience. And as usual Iím going to ask our four players of the game to speak if they can on the subject I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And the first person to begin is Clement Freud. Clement the first subject is Jersey. So will you talk about Jersey for Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Jersey is the name of a pullover that comes from the eponymous island, the largest in the group of Channel Isles. It is a place from which people donít come as much as go from. I mean particularly Alan Whicker and Fanny Cradock, as opposed to Mrs Langtry and Matt Le Tissier, two socially aware people...


CF: ... the name Chile Villiers who has... Ostany House...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, Guernsey!


NP: Yes I would agree...

CF: You go via Jersey!

NP: Yes!

CF: On the shuttle!

NP: Itís the first time actually weíve ever had an audience in Just A Minute boo! So itís obviously going to be a very exciting show! Derek I agree with your challenge, which means you gets a point for an incorrect challenge and you take over the subject of Jersey, there are 29 seconds left and you start now.

DN: One of... the things i really like about Jersey is this magnificent zoo...


NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JULIAN CLARY: Oh Iím sorry, didnít you sort of fumble over a word?

DN: I did! Youíre right!

JC: Is that...

DN: Absolutely right! Well done!

NP: Julian well listened, the first time weíve heard from you ever on Just A Minute, and he fumbled, we call that hesitation. Anyway Julian there are 26 seconds left, the subject is Jersey and you begin now.

JC: There are several things I like about Jersey. First of all, I should mention St Peterís Bunker. Itís very very snug indeed. And then I must move on to your mouth-watering cucumbers. And then of course thereís plums which are not only juicy but full of flavour. Jersey is an ideal spot to attend if you like rich people...


NP: That whistle tells us that the 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Julian Clary. Paul Merton would you take the next round, the subject, wrestling. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Every Saturday afternoon on ITV, I used to watch wrestling. It used to be broadcast from various parts of the mainland, Wolverhampton Town Hall or somewhere in Ipswich. And I particularly enjoyed wrestlers such as Bert Royal and Vic Faulkner. And the great thing about British wrestling is itís so obviously faked. I remember one particular practitioner of the art, a wrestler called Jim Brakes who actually fell out of the ring because somebody threw a towel at him! And this is burnt in my memory because he was a bit of a hard man, and he was having an argument with the referee and his opponent threw a towel which is a...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of throwing a towel.

NP: Yes he threw the towel in there, and so that is repetition. He did keep going for 37 seconds which is very good. And 23 remain for you Derek to take over the subject of wrestling starting now.

DN: I wrestle with my conscience every time Mohammed Fayed offers me a free holiday at the Ritz in Paris. Shall I go or not, I say to myself. But Al as he likes to be called is so persuasive. Sometimes he sends me food hampers from his emporium called harrods, which I gratefully receive. But there is no catch to it. I will not ask questions at Equity meetings just to please him!


NP: Julian Clary would you like to take the next round, the subject is Bergerac. A very very apt subject. Obviously some people in the audience donít enjoy it from their reaction. But would you talk on Bergerac, 60 seconds starting now.

JC: Oh Bergerac! Itís a television detective series! Some would call itís a defective series!


JC: ...starring... who did that?

NP: Quickly! Keep going!

JC: ...starring...

NP: Iím sorry, Clement has buzzed.

CF: It was a repetition of series.

NP: Ah Iím not going to give it against you because we want to hear from you and youíve only just got going. And there are 52 seconds left, we donít score any points on that one, still with you, Bergerac starting now.

JC: So popular...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Repetition of series!

NP: Well as I didnít give it against him last time, I canít give it against him this time. So this time you got a point for an incorrect challenge, so you keep going with 50 seconds on Bergerac starting now.

JC: So popular was Bergerac...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Repetition of popular.

NP: I know, you said popular before as well.

JC: I was just recapping where I left off!

NP: I know, I know, you see Julian...

DN: Thatís called repetition if you do that!

JC: I didnít realise! Itís much harder than you think!

NP: You can repeat things from other rounds, but you canít repeat things youíve said in this round. As Iíve given...


NP: Oh shut up for a minute! As Iíve given it against all three of them now, itís only be fair that you gain a point at each one of themís expense. But from now on, Iíve got to be a bit more firm about it. So carry on Julian, Bergerac, 48 seconds starting now.

JC: John Nettles is a bit of a gay icon. In fact...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?


NP: Do you disagree?

CF: He said neither popular nor series!

NP: Oh a very subtle clever challenge. I thought you were challenging on the icon. Um that was definitely an incorrect challenge but it was very entertaining. Forty-four seconds are left for Bergerac still with you Julian starting now.

JC: He has Bergerac bed linen and a Bergerac soap-on-a-rope. His whole life is one long detec... oh God!


NP: Derek yes?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, it is a difficult game, isnít it. Thirty-five seconds Derek, a point to you, you take over the subject starting now.

DN: Sir Ronald Bergerac had an extraordinarily long nose. And because of this he claimed he fought over a thousand duels during his lifetime. The town of Bergerac is situated on the north bank of the Verdoyne and has a statue to the famous swordsman right in the middle of the village. It is absolutely magnificent. The wine from that region which is Cabernet...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation, Bergerac is a town.

NP: Yes.

DN: I couldnít say town twice so I used a different word.

NP: But you...

DN: If I had said town twice I would have been buzzed for re...

CF: That would have been a repetition.

NP: That would have been a repetition. But he challenged for deviation and that is a correct deviation. Thatís why the game is so difficult to play.

PM: Can I suggest we pick another word?

NP: Clement do you want to let him have it then? Heís determined not to let go on it. Fifteen seconds Derek, Bergerac starting now.

DN: I like drinking this splendid brew. Itís also near to a very particular white...


NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is wine strictly speaking a brew?

NP: No I think...

PM: Isnít beer a brew?

NP: No, you brew a beer, and...

DN: You brew wine...

NP: Donít...

JC: You ferment it!

NP: I think wine has...

PM: You ferment wine.

NP: You ferment wine.

DN: But you can call any liquid a brew, canít you?

PM: Well yes but...

NP: Oh weíre going to have another stupid argument!

PM: You can, you can call catís urine a brew!

NP: Yes thatís right!

PM: But it doesnít mean Iíll come round to your house for drinks! You can call any liquid a brew! Imagine!


NP: Eight seconds for you Paul on Bergerac starting now.

PM: Well itís a very popular detective series! Itís been going for about eight or nine years now. It stars John Nettles and all the incidents that he investigates happen...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: It isnít going on, itís finished! Deviation.

PM: Itís currently being repeated on UK Gold!

NP: Mmm, heís right Ií, afraid. One second with you Paul, Bergerac starting now.

PM: How many seconds have I got?


NP: One! At the end of the round Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went got an extra point. Heís in third place one point behind Julian Clary who is in second place behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Clement your turn to begin, the subject sour grapes. Will you tell us something about that subject... and donít start talking about brewing for Godís sake! Starting now.

CF: Sour grapes are grapes which are not sweet. Or put another way, grapes which are sour, or lack a certain... sugar content...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! Indeed indeed, sour grapes with you Paul, 50 seconds are left starting now.

PM: I was round Derek Nimmoís house the other night drinking this rather delicious marvellous cocktail. And I suddenly thought ďoh these grapes are a bit sour!Ē And he said ďno itís not grapes, itís actually catís piss! I just put that out,Ē he said, ďbecause basically any liquid is a brew!Ē And I was forced to agree with him. I once bought...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, I wouldnít have him in the house!


PM: But um, interestingly he doesnít deny that he serves catís piss!

NP: What I like to do on these occasions I give a bonus point to Derek Nimmo for his challenge because the audience enjoyed it so much. But Paul gets a point for being interrupted and he keeps the subject and there are 32 seconds left for sour grapes starting now.

PM: Of course it can also refer to that feeling you have when somebody that perhaps youíve been a rival for in a job has somehow got ahead of you, has gained that promotion. And you think why has this individual risen above the corporate ladder higher than I? Why, I am as talented as that person! Iíve got a certificate for swimming 25 yards breast stroke! Can this other claimant lay such a claim? No they canít...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of person, I let him go on for a bit.

NP: Yes you did repeat person.

PM: Did I really?

NP: And Clementís got in with five seconds on...

PM: Oh five seconds, is it, oh!

NP: Itís a subtle way of playing the game! If youíve got the courage to see it through. A gambling man can do that like Clement. Five seconds starting now.

CF: Sour grapes philologically is whinging, whining, not taking your just deserts...


NP: So Paul Merton at the end of that round is in second place, heís just behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Heís followed, one point behind him is Julian Clary and then Clement Freud in fourth place for once. And Paul your turn to begin, a small holding. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

PM: I own some land here in Jersey. Itís actually quite a tiny piece. Itís the size of a tennis shoe and I intend to build very tall, but thin buildings on it. Up to the sky, the skyscrapers of course are very...


NP: Julian Clary.

JC: Did you repeat sky?

NP: Well he said skyscraper, I donít know if thatís one word or not.

PM: Skyscraperís hyphenated.

NP: If you want to be kind to your friend Julian and say ďall right, it was hyphenatedĒ, he can have it.

PM: Yeah, yeah itís hyphenated, I think so.

NP: All right, there we are, isnít that generous of him.

JC: Is he being kind?

NP: Heís being... yes. So a small holding is with you Julian Clary and 46 seconds are left starting now.


JC: Small holdings...

NP: And Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation!

NP: Heís being very kind to you, isnít he! Another point to Julian Clary and a small holding still with him and 46 seconds left starting now.

JC: You could grow rhubarb on a small holding. And sometimes you could go down in the afternoon and look under the rhubarb leaf...


NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two rhubarbs.

JC: Oh yes.

NP: Yes you had too much...

JC: Rhubarb, rhubarb.

NP: You had too much rhubarb on your small holding Iím afraid. Derek, a correct challenge, 38 seconds left, a small holding starting now.

DN: The first small Holden I bought I drove from Alice Springs to Broken Hill. It was yellow and had a very good engine with a rather curious gear box. I donít know why Holdens have gone out of popularity. They used to sell a great deal in Malaysia and all through the Far East. But these days they seem to move on to Fords and Terana, Austin like so much of the world. But Holden was a particularly good motor car and I had a great affection for it. And it was very difficult for me when finally, because I was leaving the Antipodes, I had to sell it. And I was immensely sorry, I wept buckets of tears. My wife poured from her glands with all this monstrous...


NP: Well Derek Nimmo kept going magnificently there until the whistle went, so heís increased his lead at the end of the round. And er whoís turn is it next? Oh Derek itís also your turn to begin. The subject, my favourite flowers, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: My favourite Flowers are the family Flowers that live in Bristol and my son Piers James Alexander, last May, married Marina Flowers. You may well have seen the pictures in Hello. And it really was the most marvellous wedding. And they have, the head of the family actually is called Mikey. (laughs) And heís an awfully jolly Flowers really. And his wife is called Jean, and they have a daughter of extreme beauty called Marina who is now...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Three called.

NP: Three called, yes.

DN: Yes thatís all right, I donít mind.

NP: Paul, correct challenge...

DN: I thought it was hyphenated actually!

NP: Thirty-two seconds, my favourite flowers starting now.

PM: I donít really have any favourite flowers...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Better shut up then!


NP: Fancy applauding such arrant aggression! But as they enjoyed it Clement, I give you a bonus point for your timing and but as Paul was interrupted, he also gets a point. He keeps the subject, 29 seconds, my favourite flowers starting now.

PM: But if I had to pick one it would undoubtedly be the chrysanthemum. What a wonderful flower it is. There was somebody here in the front row who murmured agreement as I mentioned that...


NP: Julian Clary challenged.

JC: That was me who murmured!

NP: So you mean that was deviation because it wasnít from the front row, it was from over here?

JC: Thatís what I mean. I see itís a free-for-all!

NP: Well Iíll have to take your word for it Julian! If that is true, there were no murmurs from the front row but Julian murmured agreement so deviation. Nineteen seconds, Julian, my favourite flowers...

PM: What?

NP: That is logical! If the murmur didnít come...

DN: Nicholas youíve never been logical in your life!

NP: No, but when I have a new player on the game, and I try to use illogical logicality...

JC: Letís press on!

NP: Julian you have the subject of my favourite flowers starting now.

JC: My favourite flowers are mesanthreanthems, though donít ask me to spell it! I like them because they open up when the sun comes out, they expand like their petals shaking in the sunlight. And then they er...


NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I know...

JC: Yes!

NP: Itís a tough game Julian and heís got in with six seconds to go on my favourite flowers Derek starting now.

DN: I have a most magnificent rosa banksia which is now 35 feet high and expanding all directions...


NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud is trailing a little bit but Paul Merton and Julian Clary are equal in second place but quite a few points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. And Julian your turn to begin, the subject, Bobís your uncle. Will you tell us something about Bobís your uncle in Just A Minute starting now.

JC: Bobís your uncle has several meanings. It means there we have it, or done and dusted, words like that. It also means Bob is your uncle as is the case for me. My Uncle Bob lived on the isle of...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: The subject is your uncle, not my uncle. Deviation.

NP: It doesnít matter, he...

DN: Bobís your uncle, not my uncle. If we had to talk about Bobís my uncle, that would be on the card!

NP: But, but, he can still talk about his Uncle Bob as opposed to Bobís your uncle. Deviation.

DN: If the subject was Bobís Fredís uncle, could he still talk about his Uncle Bob?

NP: You are very obstreperous on occasions Derek. No he hadnít got it going enough to cause deviation, so Julian, 44 seconds are left, Bobís your uncle starting now.

JC: Fine to open your mouth sometimes! If you know what Iím saying! My Uncle Bob lived on the Isle of Wight and he used to have a band called Uncle Bobís...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I think that was hesitation.

NP: I think that definitely was.

JC: No that was breakdown now!

NP: Clement the subject, 33 seconds, Bobís your uncle starting now.

CF: If I had an Uncle Bob I would send him to Jersey for tax purposes. And I would get him to farm a crop of potatoes. There is nothing more wonderful than those tubers that come from the island...



NP: Paul challenged, on when you said tubers.

PM: Well I hesitate to get on the wrong side of the audience but I disagree with the statement that thereís nothing more wonderful than Jersey potatoes!


PM: Excuse me! Are you aware of the Euro tunnel? Man has landed on the Moon! We have, we are sending satellites to Uranus! But no, youíd get rid of all that, as long as you had a bag of spuds, wouldnít you!


NP: Paul because of your outrageous comedy performance, we will give you a bonus point. Right, Clement you have another point for being incorrect challenged and 18 seconds are left for... itís still Bobís your uncle, is it? For Bobís your uncle starting now.

CF: If Bobís your Uncle and wants to eat the delicious waxy yellow things that come from the earth on the outskirts of St Clemence, steam them, a little butter, parsley...

NP: Julian you challenged!


JC: Um?

NP: Deviation.

JC: Yeah deviation! Horrible deviation!

NP: Heís away from Bobís your uncle, heís on about potatoes, isnít he?

JC: Yes!

NP: Well done! You spotted that quickly! And you got in very cleverly, youíre getting good at this game, one second to go and the subject is still Bobís your uncle starting now.

JC: If I get to the end of the...


NP: So the contest is getting tighter, more fraught, Clement Freud is creeping up on Paul Merton which is rather sinister seeing as heís sitting beside him. And Paulís just behind Julian Clary, a first time player of the game. Heís only two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, flattery. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: On a recent birthday Mr Bill Coburn who was then a chairman of Royal Mail was kind enough to give me a penny black stamp and I said to him ďphilately will get you nowhereĒ. It is not the only nice thing that I have said. I have come here and made the most outrageously er nice remarks...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Er hesitation.

NP: He did hesitate before he said about the outrageously nice. Right 38 seconds Derek with you er flattery starting now.

DN: Flattery is what people say to your face that they wouldnít say behind your back. There are two kinds of people that er like flattery...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two people.

NP: Twenty-nine seconds Clement, flatteryís back with you starting now.

CF: If thereís any one thing more appealing than Nicholas Parsonsí brain, it is Derek Nimmoís beauty. But Julian Clary in his own way has an elegant sophisticated delightfulness matched I think by Paul Merton...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: What rubbish!

NP: But youíre allowed to speak rubbish in Just A Minute as youíve done...

PM: Deviation, I havenít got a scrap of elegance in my whole body!

NP: We hadnít quite got to what you had actually! So I disagree with the challenge, 10 seconds still with Clement on flattery starting now.

CF: As I was saying flattery is saying things about people which you donít really mean...


NP: Paul has challenged again.

PM: Two sayings. As I was saying flattery is saying.

NP: Thatís right, yes, well listened Paul. Four seconds are left, flattery is with you starting now.

PM: I wouldnít take gold! Give me Jersey potatoes every time!


NP: Weíve got about one more round to go, what is the situation? Clement Freud is now moving forward but heís two points behind Paul Merton and Julian Clary who are equal in second place. Derek Nimmoís just ahead in the lead and Paul your turn to begin, badgers. Tell us something about those attractive little animals in this game starting now.

PM: Itís a strange creature. Itís the only animal thatís mastered the art of the penny whistle. And if you go down to the woods late at night you can hear the badgers whistling popular show tunes or perhaps an extract of some marvellous symphony, and they canít get enough of it! And people who donít live in the countryside say ďoh what nonsense! The badgers canít play musical instruments!Ē And you say ďah, follow meĒ. And you take them down to a little set where there might be a couple of these delightful creatures and a drummer just in the corner. And theyíve got the violin under their arm and theyíre playing the most gorgeous romantic Gypsy music. Of course the badger...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of music, sadly.

NP: I know! We were enjoying that!

DN: It was very nice!

NP: Derek you got in with 22 seconds on badgers starting now.

DN: When I was a senior sixer in the wolf cubs I had a lot of badges. I got them mainly for good work like tree climbing, looking at small...


NP: Julian you challenged.

DN: ...creatures playing musical instruments. Whatís the matter with you?

JC: Ah how long have you got? Um I think it was deviation.


JC: Deviation, heís misunderstood the word.

NP: Yes thatís right, I know he often does. The um, it is true, we were talking about badgers and not badges.

JC: Mmmm.

NP: And they are subtly different. In pronunciation, but utterly different in concept.

PM: You couldnít have badges playing musical instruments! That would be ridiculous!

NP: if you believe in the fairies, you can do what you did Paul. Twelve seconds for you Julian on badgers starting now.

JC: My favourite programme is on BBC One...


NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of B, BBC!


NP: Itís actually a correct challenge, but what do I do, because I would like Julian to finish the show? Though itís a correct challenge, well done Derek. Give him a point and Julian finish the show for us because there are eight seconds, carry on for us on badgers starting now.

JC: Bodger and Badger...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: I donít want him to finish the show!

NP: So you challenged and it was an incorrect challenge. So you have another point and you have seven seconds on badgers Julian starting now.

JC: Four-fifteen most weekday afternoons...


NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Iíd quite like to finish the show!

NP: So what is your challenge?

PM: Well you just donít, you know, we should talk about it!

NP: What is your challenge then?

PM: I donít see why you just pick and say Julian you can finish the show! What about the rest of us here?

NP: I twisted a challenge so he could finish it really but then Clement played the game as well and gave him another point...

PM: What do you think Iím doing?

NP: I thought actually you were trying to get the subject so that you could finish the show!

PM: Thatís right!

NP: So what is your challenge? Give me it!

PM: I want Julian to continue!

JC: I just...

NP: So thatís not a legitimate challenge!

PM: Yes it is! Iíve decided to say the opposite to everything you say! And we can keep this going for about an hour!

NP: And that would make it, we could just do one round like that.

PM: No we canít!

NP: Iím glad this is the last round otherwise the whole show would grind to a halt, wouldnít it?

PM: No!

NP: Ah you agreed with me there!

PM: It wouldnít grind to a halt!

NP: So there are five seconds left for you Julian on badgers starting now.

JC: Quite happy to finish simultaneously if it will mean that...


NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Heís not talking about badgers. Deviation.

NP: All right Derek, a correct challenge, two seconds, badgers starting now.

DN: The Wind in the Willows is a very good place because Badgerís in it!


NP: So as I indicated that was to be the last round. Let me give you the final situation. And um first of all let me say right away itís the contribution that counts and not the points. But for those who are interested in points for once Clement Freud finished in fourth place surprisingly, behind Paul Merton who was also surprisingly in third place. Our first time player of the game, not surprisingly, in view of all thatís taken place here, he finished in second place. But just... so his contribution was golden but the man with the most points, three ahead of Julian was Derek Nimmo. So we say heís the winner this week! So it only remains for me to thank our four outstanding players of the game for the marvellous contribution they made to the fun and the entertainment. I must also thank Elaine Wigley for so charmingly keeping the score and the stopwatch so I knew how many seconds were ticking away. Ian Messiter for having created the game for which weíre deeply grateful Ian. And also Anne Jobson who organises and produces the show. From all of them and from me Nicholas Parsons, and our audience here in St Heliers in Jersey, thank you for attending, thank the listeners for tuning in, be with us the next time we take to the air to play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!