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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JULIAN CLARY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 25 January 1997)
NOTE: Julian Clary's first appearance. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome the four entertaining and diverse personalities who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome two outstanding young comedians of today. One of them who has played the game many times before, that is Paul Merton. And another outstanding comedian who has never played the game before, but we are equally delighted to have him here, and that is Julian Clary. We also welcome back two of the oldest players of the game, they’ve been playing it as long as I have, that is Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. And would you please welcome all four of them! I am very fortunate where I sit because I have beside me the lovely Elaine Wigley who has a stopwatch in one hand which lets me know how many seconds have passed after each challenge. And also she blows a whistle when 60 seconds have passed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Jersey Arts Centre in St Heliers, the capital of this lovely Channel Island. And we are facing the highly motivated and exciting Jersey audience. And as usual I’m going to ask our four players of the game to speak if they can on the subject I give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And the first person to begin is Clement Freud. Clement the first subject is Jersey. So will you talk about Jersey for Just A Minute starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: Jersey is the name of a pullover that comes from the eponymous island, the largest in the group of Channel Isles. It is a place from which people don’t come as much as go from. I mean particularly Alan Whicker and Fanny Cradock, as opposed to Mrs Langtry and Matt Le Tissier, two socially aware people... BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: ... the name Chile Villiers who has... Ostany House... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, Guernsey! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Yes I would agree... CF: You go via Jersey! NP: Yes! CF: On the shuttle! NP: It’s the first time actually we’ve ever had an audience in Just A Minute boo! So it’s obviously going to be a very exciting show! Derek I agree with your challenge, which means you gets a point for an incorrect challenge and you take over the subject of Jersey, there are 29 seconds left and you start now. DN: One of... the things i really like about Jersey is this magnificent zoo... BUZZ NP: Julian Clary challenged. JULIAN CLARY: Oh I’m sorry, didn’t you sort of fumble over a word? DN: I did! You’re right! JC: Is that... DN: Absolutely right! Well done! NP: Julian well listened, the first time we’ve heard from you ever on Just A Minute, and he fumbled, we call that hesitation. Anyway Julian there are 26 seconds left, the subject is Jersey and you begin now. JC: There are several things I like about Jersey. First of all, I should mention St Peter’s Bunker. It’s very very snug indeed. And then I must move on to your mouth-watering cucumbers. And then of course there’s plums which are not only juicy but full of flavour. Jersey is an ideal spot to attend if you like rich people... WHISTLE NP: That whistle tells us that the 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Julian Clary. Paul Merton would you take the next round, the subject, wrestling. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now. PAUL MERTON: Every Saturday afternoon on ITV, I used to watch wrestling. It used to be broadcast from various parts of the mainland, Wolverhampton Town Hall or somewhere in Ipswich. And I particularly enjoyed wrestlers such as Bert Royal and Vic Faulkner. And the great thing about British wrestling is it’s so obviously faked. I remember one particular practitioner of the art, a wrestler called Jim Brakes who actually fell out of the ring because somebody threw a towel at him! And this is burnt in my memory because he was a bit of a hard man, and he was having an argument with the referee and his opponent threw a towel which is a... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of throwing a towel. NP: Yes he threw the towel in there, and so that is repetition. He did keep going for 37 seconds which is very good. And 23 remain for you Derek to take over the subject of wrestling starting now. DN: I wrestle with my conscience every time Mohammed Fayed offers me a free holiday at the Ritz in Paris. Shall I go or not, I say to myself. But Al as he likes to be called is so persuasive. Sometimes he sends me food hampers from his emporium called harrods, which I gratefully receive. But there is no catch to it. I will not ask questions at Equity meetings just to please him! WHISTLE NP: Julian Clary would you like to take the next round, the subject is Bergerac. A very very apt subject. Obviously some people in the audience don’t enjoy it from their reaction. But would you talk on Bergerac, 60 seconds starting now. JC: Oh Bergerac! It’s a television detective series! Some would call it’s a defective series! BUZZ JC: ...starring... who did that? NP: Quickly! Keep going! JC: ...starring... NP: I’m sorry, Clement has buzzed. CF: It was a repetition of series. NP: Ah I’m not going to give it against you because we want to hear from you and you’ve only just got going. And there are 52 seconds left, we don’t score any points on that one, still with you, Bergerac starting now. JC: So popular... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Repetition of series! NP: Well as I didn’t give it against him last time, I can’t give it against him this time. So this time you got a point for an incorrect challenge, so you keep going with 50 seconds on Bergerac starting now. JC: So popular was Bergerac... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: Repetition of popular. NP: I know, you said popular before as well. JC: I was just recapping where I left off! NP: I know, I know, you see Julian... DN: That’s called repetition if you do that! JC: I didn’t realise! It’s much harder than you think! NP: You can repeat things from other rounds, but you can’t repeat things you’ve said in this round. As I’ve given... BUZZ NP: Oh shut up for a minute! As I’ve given it against all three of them now, it’s only be fair that you gain a point at each one of them’s expense. But from now on, I’ve got to be a bit more firm about it. So carry on Julian, Bergerac, 48 seconds starting now. JC: John Nettles is a bit of a gay icon. In fact... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Do you disagree? CF: He said neither popular nor series! NP: Oh a very subtle clever challenge. I thought you were challenging on the icon. Um that was definitely an incorrect challenge but it was very entertaining. Forty-four seconds are left for Bergerac still with you Julian starting now. JC: He has Bergerac bed linen and a Bergerac soap-on-a-rope. His whole life is one long detec... oh God! BUZZ NP: Derek yes? DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes, it is a difficult game, isn’t it. Thirty-five seconds Derek, a point to you, you take over the subject starting now. DN: Sir Ronald Bergerac had an extraordinarily long nose. And because of this he claimed he fought over a thousand duels during his lifetime. The town of Bergerac is situated on the north bank of the Verdoyne and has a statue to the famous swordsman right in the middle of the village. It is absolutely magnificent. The wine from that region which is Cabernet... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Deviation, Bergerac is a town. NP: Yes. DN: I couldn’t say town twice so I used a different word. NP: But you... DN: If I had said town twice I would have been buzzed for re... CF: That would have been a repetition. NP: That would have been a repetition. But he challenged for deviation and that is a correct deviation. That’s why the game is so difficult to play. PM: Can I suggest we pick another word? NP: Clement do you want to let him have it then? He’s determined not to let go on it. Fifteen seconds Derek, Bergerac starting now. DN: I like drinking this splendid brew. It’s also near to a very particular white... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: Is wine strictly speaking a brew? NP: No I think... PM: Isn’t beer a brew? NP: No, you brew a beer, and... DN: You brew wine... NP: Don’t... JC: You ferment it! NP: I think wine has... PM: You ferment wine. NP: You ferment wine. DN: But you can call any liquid a brew, can’t you? PM: Well yes but... NP: Oh we’re going to have another stupid argument! PM: You can, you can call cat’s urine a brew! NP: Yes that’s right! PM: But it doesn’t mean I’ll come round to your house for drinks! You can call any liquid a brew! Imagine! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Eight seconds for you Paul on Bergerac starting now. PM: Well it’s a very popular detective series! It’s been going for about eight or nine years now. It stars John Nettles and all the incidents that he investigates happen... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: It isn’t going on, it’s finished! Deviation. PM: It’s currently being repeated on UK Gold! NP: Mmm, he’s right I’, afraid. One second with you Paul, Bergerac starting now. PM: How many seconds have I got? WHISTLE NP: One! At the end of the round Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went got an extra point. He’s in third place one point behind Julian Clary who is in second place behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Clement your turn to begin, the subject sour grapes. Will you tell us something about that subject... and don’t start talking about brewing for God’s sake! Starting now. CF: Sour grapes are grapes which are not sweet. Or put another way, grapes which are sour, or lack a certain... sugar content... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: Yes! Indeed indeed, sour grapes with you Paul, 50 seconds are left starting now. PM: I was round Derek Nimmo’s house the other night drinking this rather delicious marvellous cocktail. And I suddenly thought “oh these grapes are a bit sour!” And he said “no it’s not grapes, it’s actually cat’s piss! I just put that out,” he said, “because basically any liquid is a brew!” And I was forced to agree with him. I once bought... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Deviation, I wouldn’t have him in the house! LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE PM: But um, interestingly he doesn’t deny that he serves cat’s piss! NP: What I like to do on these occasions I give a bonus point to Derek Nimmo for his challenge because the audience enjoyed it so much. But Paul gets a point for being interrupted and he keeps the subject and there are 32 seconds left for sour grapes starting now. PM: Of course it can also refer to that feeling you have when somebody that perhaps you’ve been a rival for in a job has somehow got ahead of you, has gained that promotion. And you think why has this individual risen above the corporate ladder higher than I? Why, I am as talented as that person! I’ve got a certificate for swimming 25 yards breast stroke! Can this other claimant lay such a claim? No they can’t... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of person, I let him go on for a bit. NP: Yes you did repeat person. PM: Did I really? NP: And Clement’s got in with five seconds on... PM: Oh five seconds, is it, oh! NP: It’s a subtle way of playing the game! If you’ve got the courage to see it through. A gambling man can do that like Clement. Five seconds starting now. CF: Sour grapes philologically is whinging, whining, not taking your just deserts... WHISTLE NP: So Paul Merton at the end of that round is in second place, he’s just behind our leader Derek Nimmo. He’s followed, one point behind him is Julian Clary and then Clement Freud in fourth place for once. And Paul your turn to begin, a small holding. Sixty seconds as usual starting now. PM: I own some land here in Jersey. It’s actually quite a tiny piece. It’s the size of a tennis shoe and I intend to build very tall, but thin buildings on it. Up to the sky, the skyscrapers of course are very... BUZZ NP: Julian Clary. JC: Did you repeat sky? NP: Well he said skyscraper, I don’t know if that’s one word or not. PM: Skyscraper’s hyphenated. NP: If you want to be kind to your friend Julian and say “all right, it was hyphenated”, he can have it. PM: Yeah, yeah it’s hyphenated, I think so. NP: All right, there we are, isn’t that generous of him. JC: Is he being kind? NP: He’s being... yes. So a small holding is with you Julian Clary and 46 seconds are left starting now. BUZZ JC: Small holdings... NP: And Paul Merton challenged. PM: Hesitation! NP: He’s being very kind to you, isn’t he! Another point to Julian Clary and a small holding still with him and 46 seconds left starting now. JC: You could grow rhubarb on a small holding. And sometimes you could go down in the afternoon and look under the rhubarb leaf... BUZZ NP: And Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Two rhubarbs. JC: Oh yes. NP: Yes you had too much... JC: Rhubarb, rhubarb. NP: You had too much rhubarb on your small holding I’m afraid. Derek, a correct challenge, 38 seconds left, a small holding starting now. DN: The first small Holden I bought I drove from Alice Springs to Broken Hill. It was yellow and had a very good engine with a rather curious gear box. I don’t know why Holdens have gone out of popularity. They used to sell a great deal in Malaysia and all through the Far East. But these days they seem to move on to Fords and Terana, Austin like so much of the world. But Holden was a particularly good motor car and I had a great affection for it. And it was very difficult for me when finally, because I was leaving the Antipodes, I had to sell it. And I was immensely sorry, I wept buckets of tears. My wife poured from her glands with all this monstrous... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek Nimmo kept going magnificently there until the whistle went, so he’s increased his lead at the end of the round. And er who’s turn is it next? Oh Derek it’s also your turn to begin. The subject, my favourite flowers, 60 seconds starting now. DN: My favourite Flowers are the family Flowers that live in Bristol and my son Piers James Alexander, last May, married Marina Flowers. You may well have seen the pictures in Hello. And it really was the most marvellous wedding. And they have, the head of the family actually is called Mikey. (laughs) And he’s an awfully jolly Flowers really. And his wife is called Jean, and they have a daughter of extreme beauty called Marina who is now... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Three called. NP: Three called, yes. DN: Yes that’s all right, I don’t mind. NP: Paul, correct challenge... DN: I thought it was hyphenated actually! NP: Thirty-two seconds, my favourite flowers starting now. PM: I don’t really have any favourite flowers... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Better shut up then! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Fancy applauding such arrant aggression! But as they enjoyed it Clement, I give you a bonus point for your timing and but as Paul was interrupted, he also gets a point. He keeps the subject, 29 seconds, my favourite flowers starting now. PM: But if I had to pick one it would undoubtedly be the chrysanthemum. What a wonderful flower it is. There was somebody here in the front row who murmured agreement as I mentioned that... BUZZ NP: Julian Clary challenged. JC: That was me who murmured! NP: So you mean that was deviation because it wasn’t from the front row, it was from over here? JC: That’s what I mean. I see it’s a free-for-all! NP: Well I’ll have to take your word for it Julian! If that is true, there were no murmurs from the front row but Julian murmured agreement so deviation. Nineteen seconds, Julian, my favourite flowers... PM: What? NP: That is logical! If the murmur didn’t come... DN: Nicholas you’ve never been logical in your life! NP: No, but when I have a new player on the game, and I try to use illogical logicality... JC: Let’s press on! NP: Julian you have the subject of my favourite flowers starting now. JC: My favourite flowers are mesanthreanthems, though don’t ask me to spell it! I like them because they open up when the sun comes out, they expand like their petals shaking in the sunlight. And then they er... BUZZ NP: Derek challenged. DN: Hesitation. NP: I know... JC: Yes! NP: It’s a tough game Julian and he’s got in with six seconds to go on my favourite flowers Derek starting now. DN: I have a most magnificent rosa banksia which is now 35 feet high and expanding all directions... WHISTLE NP: Well at the end of that round Clement Freud is trailing a little bit but Paul Merton and Julian Clary are equal in second place but quite a few points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. And Julian your turn to begin, the subject, Bob’s your uncle. Will you tell us something about Bob’s your uncle in Just A Minute starting now. JC: Bob’s your uncle has several meanings. It means there we have it, or done and dusted, words like that. It also means Bob is your uncle as is the case for me. My Uncle Bob lived on the isle of... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: The subject is your uncle, not my uncle. Deviation. NP: It doesn’t matter, he... DN: Bob’s your uncle, not my uncle. If we had to talk about Bob’s my uncle, that would be on the card! NP: But, but, he can still talk about his Uncle Bob as opposed to Bob’s your uncle. Deviation. DN: If the subject was Bob’s Fred’s uncle, could he still talk about his Uncle Bob? NP: You are very obstreperous on occasions Derek. No he hadn’t got it going enough to cause deviation, so Julian, 44 seconds are left, Bob’s your uncle starting now. JC: Fine to open your mouth sometimes! If you know what I’m saying! My Uncle Bob lived on the Isle of Wight and he used to have a band called Uncle Bob’s... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I think that was hesitation. NP: I think that definitely was. JC: No that was breakdown now! NP: Clement the subject, 33 seconds, Bob’s your uncle starting now. CF: If I had an Uncle Bob I would send him to Jersey for tax purposes. And I would get him to farm a crop of potatoes. There is nothing more wonderful than those tubers that come from the island... BUZZ CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Paul challenged, on when you said tubers. PM: Well I hesitate to get on the wrong side of the audience but I disagree with the statement that there’s nothing more wonderful than Jersey potatoes! BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE PM: Excuse me! Are you aware of the Euro tunnel? Man has landed on the Moon! We have, we are sending satellites to Uranus! But no, you’d get rid of all that, as long as you had a bag of spuds, wouldn’t you! CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Paul because of your outrageous comedy performance, we will give you a bonus point. Right, Clement you have another point for being incorrect challenged and 18 seconds are left for... it’s still Bob’s your uncle, is it? For Bob’s your uncle starting now. CF: If Bob’s your Uncle and wants to eat the delicious waxy yellow things that come from the earth on the outskirts of St Clemence, steam them, a little butter, parsley... NP: Julian you challenged! BUZZ JC: Um? NP: Deviation. JC: Yeah deviation! Horrible deviation! NP: He’s away from Bob’s your uncle, he’s on about potatoes, isn’t he? JC: Yes! NP: Well done! You spotted that quickly! And you got in very cleverly, you’re getting good at this game, one second to go and the subject is still Bob’s your uncle starting now. JC: If I get to the end of the... WHISTLE NP: So the contest is getting tighter, more fraught, Clement Freud is creeping up on Paul Merton which is rather sinister seeing as he’s sitting beside him. And Paul’s just behind Julian Clary, a first time player of the game. He’s only two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, flattery. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now. CF: On a recent birthday Mr Bill Coburn who was then a chairman of Royal Mail was kind enough to give me a penny black stamp and I said to him “philately will get you nowhere”. It is not the only nice thing that I have said. I have come here and made the most outrageously er nice remarks... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Er hesitation. NP: He did hesitate before he said about the outrageously nice. Right 38 seconds Derek with you er flattery starting now. DN: Flattery is what people say to your face that they wouldn’t say behind your back. There are two kinds of people that er like flattery... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Two people. NP: Twenty-nine seconds Clement, flattery’s back with you starting now. CF: If there’s any one thing more appealing than Nicholas Parsons’ brain, it is Derek Nimmo’s beauty. But Julian Clary in his own way has an elegant sophisticated delightfulness matched I think by Paul Merton... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: What rubbish! NP: But you’re allowed to speak rubbish in Just A Minute as you’ve done... PM: Deviation, I haven’t got a scrap of elegance in my whole body! NP: We hadn’t quite got to what you had actually! So I disagree with the challenge, 10 seconds still with Clement on flattery starting now. CF: As I was saying flattery is saying things about people which you don’t really mean... BUZZ NP: Paul has challenged again. PM: Two sayings. As I was saying flattery is saying. NP: That’s right, yes, well listened Paul. Four seconds are left, flattery is with you starting now. PM: I wouldn’t take gold! Give me Jersey potatoes every time! WHISTLE NP: We’ve got about one more round to go, what is the situation? Clement Freud is now moving forward but he’s two points behind Paul Merton and Julian Clary who are equal in second place. Derek Nimmo’s just ahead in the lead and Paul your turn to begin, badgers. Tell us something about those attractive little animals in this game starting now. PM: It’s a strange creature. It’s the only animal that’s mastered the art of the penny whistle. And if you go down to the woods late at night you can hear the badgers whistling popular show tunes or perhaps an extract of some marvellous symphony, and they can’t get enough of it! And people who don’t live in the countryside say “oh what nonsense! The badgers can’t play musical instruments!” And you say “ah, follow me”. And you take them down to a little set where there might be a couple of these delightful creatures and a drummer just in the corner. And they’ve got the violin under their arm and they’re playing the most gorgeous romantic Gypsy music. Of course the badger... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of music, sadly. NP: I know! We were enjoying that! DN: It was very nice! NP: Derek you got in with 22 seconds on badgers starting now. DN: When I was a senior sixer in the wolf cubs I had a lot of badges. I got them mainly for good work like tree climbing, looking at small... BUZZ NP: Julian you challenged. DN: ...creatures playing musical instruments. What’s the matter with you? JC: Ah how long have you got? Um I think it was deviation. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE JC: Deviation, he’s misunderstood the word. NP: Yes that’s right, I know he often does. The um, it is true, we were talking about badgers and not badges. JC: Mmmm. NP: And they are subtly different. In pronunciation, but utterly different in concept. PM: You couldn’t have badges playing musical instruments! That would be ridiculous! NP: if you believe in the fairies, you can do what you did Paul. Twelve seconds for you Julian on badgers starting now. JC: My favourite programme is on BBC One... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of B, BBC! CRIES OF “AWWWW” THEN BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s actually a correct challenge, but what do I do, because I would like Julian to finish the show? Though it’s a correct challenge, well done Derek. Give him a point and Julian finish the show for us because there are eight seconds, carry on for us on badgers starting now. JC: Bodger and Badger... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I don’t want him to finish the show! NP: So you challenged and it was an incorrect challenge. So you have another point and you have seven seconds on badgers Julian starting now. JC: Four-fifteen most weekday afternoons... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: I’d quite like to finish the show! NP: So what is your challenge? PM: Well you just don’t, you know, we should talk about it! NP: What is your challenge then? PM: I don’t see why you just pick and say Julian you can finish the show! What about the rest of us here? NP: I twisted a challenge so he could finish it really but then Clement played the game as well and gave him another point... PM: What do you think I’m doing? NP: I thought actually you were trying to get the subject so that you could finish the show! PM: That’s right! NP: So what is your challenge? Give me it! PM: I want Julian to continue! JC: I just... NP: So that’s not a legitimate challenge! PM: Yes it is! I’ve decided to say the opposite to everything you say! And we can keep this going for about an hour! NP: And that would make it, we could just do one round like that. PM: No we can’t! NP: I’m glad this is the last round otherwise the whole show would grind to a halt, wouldn’t it? PM: No! NP: Ah you agreed with me there! PM: It wouldn’t grind to a halt! NP: So there are five seconds left for you Julian on badgers starting now. JC: Quite happy to finish simultaneously if it will mean that... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo. DN: He’s not talking about badgers. Deviation. NP: All right Derek, a correct challenge, two seconds, badgers starting now. DN: The Wind in the Willows is a very good place because Badger’s in it! WHISTLE NP: So as I indicated that was to be the last round. Let me give you the final situation. And um first of all let me say right away it’s the contribution that counts and not the points. But for those who are interested in points for once Clement Freud finished in fourth place surprisingly, behind Paul Merton who was also surprisingly in third place. Our first time player of the game, not surprisingly, in view of all that’s taken place here, he finished in second place. But just... so his contribution was golden but the man with the most points, three ahead of Julian was Derek Nimmo. So we say he’s the winner this week! So it only remains for me to thank our four outstanding players of the game for the marvellous contribution they made to the fun and the entertainment. I must also thank Elaine Wigley for so charmingly keeping the score and the stopwatch so I knew how many seconds were ticking away. Ian Messiter for having created the game for which we’re deeply grateful Ian. And also Anne Jobson who organises and produces the show. From all of them and from me Nicholas Parsons, and our audience here in St Heliers in Jersey, thank you for attending, thank the listeners for tuning in, be with us the next time we take to the air to play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC |
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