JAM:CFreud,PJones,THawks,FMacAulay
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and FRED MACAULAY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 February 1997)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons, and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome our listeners to the show, but also to welcome the four unusual and diverse talents who this week are going to play Just A Minute. We welcome back two of the original players of the game in every sense of the word, that is Clement Freud and Peter Jones. We also welcome two other originals in every sense of the word, of a different generation and that is Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay and would you please welcome all four of them! This particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Studentís Union in the ancient Scottish university of St Andrewís not far from the golf course on the picturesque east coast of Fife. We are facing a very animated excited hyped up indebted and no doubt in debt student audience. As usual Iím going to ask our four players of the game if they will speak on a subject that I will give them and they are going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Elaine Wigley who is going to keep the score, she will also blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud and the subject is quite proper and typical, St Andrewís. So Clement will you tell us something about St Andrewís in this game of Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: St Andrewís is a town near Lucarze which has the railway station, a cherished place run by Great Eastern region Railways, I think. And we are sitting in the Studentís Union and I saw a notice which said the free bus no longer runs on Saturday. I find it distressing that such a negative notice should be held up and posted on the bar. Itís like saying sausages will be served without tomato ketchup, as if somebody might suggest...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones you challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was a definite hesitation there yes.

CRIES OF ďOHHHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Listen are you going to be partisan from the word go like that? No there was a definite hesitation and a certain deviation. So Peter you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course and you have 21 seconds to take over the subject of St Andrewís starting now.

PJ: Well St Andrew was the patron saint of Russia. (clears throat)

BUZZ

PJ: And probably still is.

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes a definite hesitation.

PJ: Quite right!

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, youíve got the subject back again, 14 seconds available, St Andrewís starting now.

CF: Looking out the window of my hotel bathroom I saw the 18th hole of St Andrewís golf course...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FRED MACAULAY: Can I just ask why youíve not got frosted glass on your bathroom window?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Obviously Clement Freud specially asks...

TONY HAWKS: Yeah!

NP: ...for bathrooms that arenít frosted glass...

TH: I was actually looking in!

NP: That was the point I was about to make.

TH: He had the better view, let me tell you!

NP: So within the rules of Just A Minute Fred, what was your challenge, you think?

FM: Ah I have no reasonable challenge.

NP: You have no reasonable challenge. Iíll tell you what Iíll do Fred, youíve only played the game twice before. I will give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge so much.

FM: Thank you very much.

NP: But Clement Freud was interrupted so he keeps the subject, gets a point for that, he has six seconds to continue on St Andrewís starting now.

CF: Peter Jones believes that St Andrew was the patron saint of Russia and he is absolutely...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking as the whistle goes gains an extra point and on this occasion it was Clement Freud and naturally heís in the lead at the end of that round. Tony Hawks would you take the next round, the subject is chatting up. Iím sure the student body here would like to hear from an experienced man like you on that subject. So regale us for Just A Minute if you can starting now.

TH: Iíll tell you someone who must be an expert in the field of chatting up, and that is the assistant to a window cleaner who has to stand at the bottom of a ladder, holding it steady because all day he us chatting up! Now I was...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: It is no surprise to me that I have been asked to talk on this subject. Obviously my reputation as something of a latter-day Casanova goes before me. And there is an expression that there are three ways to tell if a man is a good lover. The first is a poor memory and do you know, Iíve completely forgotten what the other two are. My favourite method of chatting up is to go up to a young lady at a party and say ďexcuse me but do you know what the capital of Poland is?Ē

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: Deviation, because Tony Hawks doesnít say that to young ladies at parties. Heís asked me that before!

TH: Well it was obviously a very good drink at that party!

NP: You can chat somebody up of your own sex, you want to get into conversation, you might want to...

CF: Speak for yourself!

NP: All right, fine! No, Tony, a very good attempt Fred, Iím sorry, I disagree with the challenge so Tony gets a point for that, he keeps the subject, chatting up, 13 seconds still available starting now.

TH: And they, like Fred was, will be enchanted by this simple question...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of question.

NP: Yes because you asked the question before. So repetition of question, seven seconds still available and itís chatting up with you now Clement starting now.

CF: Does your mother take in washing? Has she sold her mangle? Whatís become of the old piano your sister used to strangle? Has your father plenty of work...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, has increased his lead and the other three are equal in second place. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, a good dodge. Can you tell us something about a good dodge in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well my father-in-law who was American used to have a very good Dodge that he drove around all over Los Angeles. And it had big wings at the side and was a gas guzzler of course. It used an enormous amount of petrol. And went very fast. And the springing was quite unlike the European cars of that time, or even the ones from the far east which hardly existed of course in this period that Iím speaking of. Now this Dodge which he had no name for it, it had kinds of things like portholes at the side of the bonnet which were just purely decorative I think. I donít think they served any useful purpose. But one went for long trips right through Arizona and we actually went as far as Reno on one occasion which was a delightful experience, and would not have been the same had we been in the other make of car. Because the springing added to the general excitement, and then when we arrived... whatís the matter?.... What time is it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter you not, you not only kept going for 60 seconds, you went on for 70 seconds actually.

PJ: Really!

NP: Yes!

PJ: Well! Amazing!

FM: Peter when you said what time was it, I think it was about 1939 wasnít it?

PJ: Right!

NP: So you not only get a point for speaking as the whistle went Peter but you also in this game get a bonus point for not being interrupted throughout the 60 seconds. So Fred your turn to begin. And the subject, a bogie. You can take that in many different ways you know. Anyway you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

FM: Well as youíve said Nicholas there are many ways in which you can interpret the word bogie. I think Iíll discuss first of all the golfing term which is, when you see a player on the fairway, maybe hoping to go on the green with his iron shot, heíll fire it through, and the club flies into the rough all because heís had a bogie on the end of his fingers! Which affects your grip! The other type of bogie in Scotland is the trailer that people put on the back of their tractors for carrying many kinds of things around the countryside, turnips maybe, potatoes, lots of other kinds of vegetables that are grown here in St Andrewís area. Of course there is the actual term used in golfing, the bogie which is one over par as most of the people here will know. And...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation. You did so well!

FM: Yeah I had 14 seconds to go! Thanks very much Clement! Youíre very kind!

NP: You went for 48 seconds, 48 seconds anyway. Clement you had a correct challenge, another point to you, 12 seconds are left for a bogie starting now.

CF: A bogie is the sort of name that was given to Humphrey Bogart, the famous actor...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: It wouldnít have been A Bogie, it would have been H Bogie!

NP: A subtle but correct challenge, yes he was known as Bogie, not A Bogie. Poor man! Five seconds for you Tony on bogie, sorry, a bogie starting now.

TH: A bogie means youíve scored over par. A double bogie means that you need to blow your nose...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks speaking as the whistle went gained an extra point, heís equal with Fred MacAulay in second place. Our leader is still Clement Freud and itís his turn to begin. Clement the subject now, poker. Iím sure youíre a good poker player but tell us something about the game in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

CF: Little Willy in his bright blue sashes
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes,
Now the room is cold and chilly,
No-one wants to poke poor...
Well I canít repeat the name again, but a poker is an implement with which you disturb the coals or wood on a fire in order to create more warmth for the people in sight of that furnace. And a poker is also an implement with which you can hit people or even golf balls. And at St Andrewís it is no longer encouraged because there are the number, one, two and three woods, a certain...

BUZZ

NP: Peter challenged, yes.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Oh definitely, I think he was getting utterly confused and run down. Struggling nobly. Peter you got in with 18 seconds on poker starting now.

PJ: Well a red hot poker is a very useful thing to immerse into a glass of beer or better still a tankard perhaps of stout or bass, something of that kind. And itís supposed to be very healthy because some iron comes off into the liquid...

WHISTLE

NP: I have visions of the student body bringing red hot pokers into the bar here at the Studentís union, shoving them in their drinks and seeing the potent effect of it. Peter you kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point, youíre now equal with Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay in second place, Clement Freud still in the lead. And Tony itís your turn to begin, the subject, an oasis. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

TH: Many years ago I was leading an expedition of intrepid explorers across the Sahara and on day two, we ran into some difficulties. We were completely unable to flag down a taxi. When we did get one, he wouldnít take us, saying ďIím not going south of the oasis at this time of night!Ē An oasis of course is a fertile place where you find water in a desert. Itís also used metaphorically talking about a bright event amongst gloominess. And this happened to me recently. I was reading Hello magazine and I stumbled across Nicholas Parsons celebrating his 50th year in show business.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: And this was an oasis amongst some of... it doesnít matter what I am saying, theyíre still applauding what I said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: I didnít hear what he said anyway!

CF: He said no-one was listening and I was listening!

NP: I have to ask you, because of the audience reaction to your remarks, did you actually hesitate Tony?

TH: No, but I did deviate which was what he just said.

NP: Oh I see. I thought he said hesitation, right. All right then, very honest of you Tony. Nine seconds for you on an oasis Clement starting now.

CF: After 50 years in show business, an oasis is probably the very best way to go. I mean to be taken into the Gobi desert...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, humbug. Tell us something about that in this game if you can starting now.

PJ: Well a humbug is a very tiresome irritating chap who misinterprets rules and laws and causes a lot of trouble for other people. Humbuggery is very prevalent in this country where many of the, many of the humbugs that Iíve met have got soft centres like their, ah, namesake the, er, dessert sweet which is pillow shaped and smells of peppermint. And tastes of it very often. Ah, er, humbugs...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Well I thought he sort of ground to a halt there really. Is that hesitation?

NP: I think he did, I know. He was carried away with his humbugs. Twenty-eight seconds available for humbugs with you Tony starting now.

TH: How delighted I was to hear Peter Jones use the word humbuggery not long ago. As far as I can say on Radio Four, I havenít heard that er enough...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of heard.

NP: Yes he did, you heard it from Peter Jones and he heard it on Radio Four. Nineteen seconds Clement, humbug starting now.

CF: A person who commits humbuggery would be called a humbugger, a man, a pederast with a speech impediment. And... I thought that would get a laugh!

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: I think you hesitated because you thought that would get a laugh.

NP: Yes. Youíre right but he doesnít get a point. You get a point and you get the subject and thereís seven seconds on humbug starting now.

TH: A humbugger is something that you eat when youíre extraordinarily hungry. Now that doesnít deserve to get a...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Hawks with extra points including one as the whistle went is moving forward and he is now only three points behind our leader Clement Freud. Fred MacAulay, Peter Jones are trailing behind them and Fred begins the next round. Fred, very apt for the student body here, studies. You were at university. Tell us something about your studies in this game starting now.

FM: It would take me four years to tell you about my studies. But we are fortunate to be here in St Andrewís where even as I speak some of the students are taking notes because they find this more interesting than whatever subject they are particularly spending their time avoiding during term. Whether itís philosophy, psychology, maths, physics, chemistry, some of the science subject, biology perhaps, languages for example, English, French, Spanish, German, I donít know, Serbo-Croatian, Russian, Latin or Greek, the classics as theyíre known, medicine perhaps, dentistry, engineering. For goodness sake thereís no...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Thereís no school of dentistry at St Andrewís!

NP: Thereís no school...

FM: Thereís always the Faculty of Pedantry!

NP: Thereís no school of dentistry but he could have been studying medicine first with the idea of becoming a dentist later. Give you the benefit of the doubt Clement, 19 seconds, studies with you starting now.

CF: Studies is where people study. They tend to be rooms with a desk.

BUZZ

NP: Obviously...

CF: Iíve said enough!

NP: (laughs) Yes! With a desk but nowhere to sit. Peter you challenged first...

PJ: Yes.

NP: And studies is with you starting now.

PJ: Well there are brown studies and new studies and there are studies in contemplation and er landscape...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: On account of the word er again, I think that was a hesitation.

NP: Very long er there. You cleverly got in Fred with one second to go on studies starting now.

FM: Accountan...

BUZZ

NP: Someone challenged. Yes Clement?

CF: I thought hesitation.

NP: Actually, actually he was halfway through the word accountancy, the one subject he hadnít mentioned up until then. So no, an incorrect challenge and you have half a second Fred on studies starting now.

FM: Ancy!

WHISTLE

NP: Oh! So Fred MacAulayís got a lot of points in that round, heís now equal with Tony Hawks in second place, just behind our leader Clement Freud. And Peter Jones in third place. Summer balls is the next subject and will you talk about them Clement, itís your turn starting now.

CF: William OíHagan McDuff Summerballs was probably one of the least known reserve Hearts of Mid Lothian players in the immediate pre-war period when the afore mentioned Scottish football team still played the W plan wherein the two wing forwards and the centre produced the...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged while Clement Freud was actually demonstrating to the audience! Itís not the best kind of radio. Your challenge Tony?

TH: Yes I think it was a hesitation.

NP: Definitely, 36 seconds, summer balls is with you Tony starting now.

TH: As soon as we put the clocks back I dispensed with my summer balls and replaced them with my winter ones. This is a much better way of facing the cold period. When I was a student I was invited to many magnificent summer balls. How splendid it was to see the young ladies there, to rush up, ask them what the capital of Poland was, and take it from there, Berlin, sometimes Iíd take any other capital. Those were the ways things went...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of capital.

NP: Yeah there was too many capitals there. But obviously that was a capital idea you had. Ten seconds Clement...

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You grab at every chance in this game, I can tell you. Ten seconds, summer balls with you Clement starting now.

CF: At Oxford and Cambridge these are called Commemorations in May...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: But if you come north of the Border they boo when you mention the universities...

WHISTLE

NP: Perhaps I should explain to our listeners, especially as we have so many abroad that the ancient Scottish university of St Andrewís is only a few years younger than the two ancient English universities and there is a great natural rivalry. But we know which is the superior because we visited them today!

CHEERS AND FOOT STAMPING FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And we havenít even had an invitation from the other two! And we certainly wonít get one now! So Clement Freud has increased his lead at the end of that round. Tony Hawks your turn to begin, the subject, getting plastered.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right! Oh thatís what you do up here, is it? Sixty seconds as usual Tony starting now.

TH: Why is it that packets of cigarettes are accompanied by cautionary messages like smoking can damage your health, whereas alcohol has nothing. There should be a little sign on saying this lager might cause you to pick on someone much bigger than you. Or drinking this bottle of whisky will give you a thunderously bad headache because that is what getting plastered means today. it means getting drunk. Like starting an evening like Tony Blair, and ending it like Boris Yeltsin!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: The last time that I got plastered myself was at Nicholas Parsonsí 50th anniversary in show business. It was a marvellous affair. I know I keep wanting to talk about it, but I canít tell you how magnificent it was to see him beaming away, not looking a day over 80. He was tremendous. And I was drunk, so drunk they had to...

BUZZ

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes I know! Isnít it a pity!

CRIES OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: He was going so well. Clement you challenged, repetition, eight seconds, getting plastered...

BUZZ

NP: Fred you challenged.

FM: Yeah just before Clement starts, am I the only one that wasnít invited to this 50th party?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A lot of invitations went out, some must have got lost. Fred, sorry. Iíll have a special party for you later, thatís what Iíll do.

FM: Iíll look forward to it!

NP: Eight seconds, getting plastered with you Clement starting now.

CF: I quite enjoy getting plastered on Glenmorinji whisky which in the south is pronounced Morandy whereas it should of course be Moranji...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and has increased his lead at the end of that round. Quite a commanding lead he has now as Peter Jones takes up the challenge of the next subject. Itís sirens Peter, tell us something about those in this game starting now.

PJ: Well I think of those mythical creatures, rather like mermaids in a way. They are women who sing and lure sailors who are probably desperate for sex of some kind to follow them, and they consequently drown. Now what these creatures, I mean these sirens have, what their object is, I donít really know. Why donít they want to go any further than that? But they donít seem to. And of course thereís the air raid sirens which (clears throat) are quite different altogether. They signal the arrival of enemy aircraft overhead and youíre supposed to rush down into the er underground or the cellar, whatever youíve got, Anderson shelter. And then if you have any luck at all, you meet a siren down there. And then...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has managed to help you I think.

TH: I thought Iíd just help him out there, he seemed to be struggling.

NP: You should have kept going for another two seconds Peter.

PJ: Is that all?


NP: Thatís all, youíd have had 60 seconds.

TH: Iíll repeat something Peter and you can get back in again!

NP: Two seconds Tony, starting now, sirens.

TH: Peter! Peter!

NP: You challenged Peter!

BUZZ

PJ: I did.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: My God, you were quick off the mark there Peter! One second Peter on sirens starting now.

PJ: Donít listen to them!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter has moved dramatically forward in that last round, heís still in fourth place. But heís only one point behind Fred MacAulay whoís only one point behind Tony Hawks who are a few points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Fred MacAulay your turn to begin. The subject, tourists. You get quite a lot of them up in St Andrewís because theyíve got the golf, theyíve got this beautiful place and um because the students of course, they recognise them and they trip them up as they go past. Tourists, 60 seconds Fred if you can starting now.

FM: Well if I was Tony Hawks, Iíd probably say something like tourists are the things I have at the end of my arms to stop my hands flying off. But as you can tell from the reaction I got from a lovely audience here when we mentioned the word, we donít like them very much! Theyíre complete bloody pains in the necks apparently, people that come here. Theyíre no more than the life blood of the economy but we donít want them! We give them the traditional St Andrewís welcome when they turn up at a bed and breakfast. What do you want? Why canít you do it some place else? I suppose since youíve come here you might as well stay anyway. Iíve been a tourist before, but that was some place else. ... I canít even remember...

BUZZ

NP: Peter challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter there was a hesitation, 20 seconds are still available for you, and it is still tourists starting now.

PJ: Very few people actually admit to being tourists themselves, Iíve noticed when travelling. They prefer to think of themselves as travellers. Because itís always other masses of people who are tourists and they usually subscribe to some big organisation like Pontins or something like that. And they are...

NP: Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went gained that all important extra point and has moved forward from fourth to third place. Heís just overtaken Fred MacAulay, Tony Hawks is one point ahead. And unfortunately Iíve just discovered we have no more time to play Just A Minute. But...

CRIES OF ďAWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I know! Iíll tell you what! Iíve got a marvellous idea! I think we should come back to St Andrewís and do another recording here!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE AND FOOT STAMPING FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right! And now that youíve got the first warning why donít you go out and get the first seats for that recording? Way ahead of those three in the lead was Clement Freud so with most points we say Clement you are the winner this week! And in Just A Minute itís not just the points, itís the contribution. I want to thank all four of them for the marvellous contribution, Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones, Fred MacAulay. We want to thank our audience who have come, given up time from studying. And drinking! To come into the Student Union and enjoy this recording of Just A Minute. I want to thank Elaine Wigley for keeping the score, blowing her whistle so delicately after the 60 seconds. Also Ian Messiter who created the game, keeps us in work. And also Anne Jobson, our producer director, who does such a marvellous job trying to keep us in order. But from all of us here until we all go on the air again to play Just A Minute, thank you and good-bye!

THEME MUSIC