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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 14 March 1972)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again I’m going to ask our four intrepid exponents of the game to try and talk for just one minute if they can on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And according to how well they do this, how often they’re challenged, they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with our many-time winner Clement Freud. Clement the subject we’d like you to start with is highways and byways. Can you talk to us on that for 60 seconds starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: If you go into a saloon bar, and purchase a large whisky, a medium sized brandy, a small gin, a modicum of beer, some ale and other beverages of an intoxicating nature, and attempt thereafter to make your way home, you might well be called taking the highway, or putting it another way, being drunk on the open road. This is an offence especially if you’re in charge of a pram, a donkey... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, this is nothing to do with highways and byways, this is about the licensing laws and people getting drunk! NP: I do believe there’s no law which says that if, you cannot be drunk in charge of a perambulator! Is there? CF: Yes, oddly enough there is! NP: Oh I’m delighted you’ve told us that! All right then... CF: But do you want to... my case comes up next week! PETER JONES: That would come under cruelty to children surely. CF: No, really, you really can be charged with being drunk in charge of a perambulator. KW: What if you’re drunk in charge of a drunken baby? NP: Yes! Do they have to... KW: Anyway it’s all deviation. My challenge is deviation. NP: What is it? Why? KW: Because it’s nothing to do with highways and byways, he’s discussing being drunk. NP: Oh I think I must give him the benefit of the doubt, on this occasion Kenneth. So he has a point for an incorrect challenge... KW: Oh! NP: And 30 seconds left for highways and byways starting now. CF: The B4690731 is probably the smallest byway any... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, it isn’t true! NP: Yes, there’s no, there’s no road with such a long number! You’re quite right! So you have a point there for a correct challenge and you have 22 seconds to continue, not continue, take over the subject of highways and byways starting now. KW: There is a special road atlas which gives you details of all the highways and byways with emphasis on the minor. And you get these silven little lanes, down which you can wander, without any of the noise of the humdrum world to disturb your tranquil piece of mind and... WHISTLE NP: So the whistle tells us by the way, for those that don’t know, that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Kenneth Williams so at the end of the first round, he has two points, Clement Freud has one, and the others have yet to speak. Andree Melly your turn to begin the next round, what the butler saw. Can you talk to us about what the butler saw for 60 seconds starting now. ANDREE MELLY: This really depended on where he was at the time. I came from Liverpool, and what the butler saw in Blackpool was a great deal spicier than what he perceived in New Brighton at the end of the pier. You used to put a penny in a small machine and press your eyes to binocular-type things and turn a handle. And then in front of you a rather buxom lady got undressed... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: If you put a penny in to a slot, you must... I mean you don’t normally see a buxom lady! Surely! (laughs) You see an engaged sign! NP: Well obviously you put pennies into different kinds of slots to um Andree. But if you put a penny in the slot of a slot machine described, and turn the handle, you’re quite likely to see a buxom lady. CF: Really? NP: Yes. CF: She has drunk fully from the cup of life! NP: Yes we, we didn't know that your education had been so neglected Clement. And you’ve been prompted about perambulators but not about the butler. Anyway an incorrect challenge so Andree gets another, her first point and there are 34 seconds for what the butler saw starting now. AM: Being about seven at the time, I had to stand on tiptoe and this aforesaid lady would get undressed, um... oh blimey! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged. KW: Deviation. NP: Why? KW: I’m sorry, hesitation. NP: (laughs) Well you’re just in time you know! Kenneth you have a point for a correct challenge and you have 26 seconds for what the butler saw starting now. KW: What The Butler Saw had in it one memorable line. I am your superior in madness, undress yourself immediately! And the girl said “I’m here to get the job of secretary”. He said “yes that’s all part of our institutional therapy, take down your clothes”. Well she was appalled, and that was one of the funniest scenes in the play. In fact... WHISTLE NP: For some people who may be worried about some of the strange things that Kenneth was talking about then, there was a play in the West End of London called What The Butler saw, which Kenneth was describing very accurately. And Kenneth at the end of the second round you have now gone into a commanding lead over all the others... KW: Very proper! Very right and very proper! NP: And Kenneth your fan club’s in as well, I’m delighted to say. Kenneth will you begin the next round for us. Oh a very good one for you, whims and fancies. Would you talk to us about whims and fancies for 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well I’ve had quite a few whims in my time and there have been quite a few fancies. And one of them was for floss. It’s vastly sort of murky sugary stuff on the end of a stick, and (talking through his own laughter) I used to have this thing about it. I used to stuff it and think “ohh I’ll have a bit of that!” I couldn’t stop myself when I saw it. You know, it’s a terrible weakness of mine. And oh, don’t laugh! It’s rotten! He’s just put his whole buzzer down, so I know he’s not even bothering to challenge me... BUZZ NP: But Andree Melly has bothered to challenge. AM: Well because I want to get a point and he’s deviating by talking about Clement Freud’s buzzer. NP: Yes... AM: Instead of what he fancies. NP: On the other hand, one of his whims and fancies might be Clement Freud’s buzzer, mightn’t it. AM: He didn’t say that. NP: But actually, you’re quite right, he didn’t establish that that was one of his whims and fancies so I think it’s a correct challenge Andree, you have a point and 25 seconds on whims and fancies starting now. AM: To follow them can be extremely dangerous. Because by it’s very implication it means that you have not given the matter sufficient thought and it can land you into terrible trouble. You might wake up in the morning having followed a whim, you find yourself... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of followed. NP: Yes. She followed once too often there didn’t she? Welcome to the game Peter. PJ: Thank you very much. Very nice to see you! NP: Any other greetings before we go on? PJ: No, I don’t think so, no, no. NP: All right Peter, whims and fancies is now with you and you’ve gained your first point and there are 10 and a half seconds starting now. PJ: A typical whim is the desire on the part of a pregnant woman to have blackcurrant juice in the middle of the night, or ham and eggs in the middle of the afternoon... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of middle. NP: Two middles I’m afraid. And Clement got in again before the whistle with two seconds on whims and fancies Clement starting now. CF: Loganberries with whipped whims... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round Clement Freud has moved forward a little, and in fact there’s only one point separating all four of them at the end of that particular round. And Peter Jones your turn to begin, and the subject is... Ian Messiter’s already laughing because he knows it because he thought it up, my doings. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You really think of some awful things you know Ian, you really do. Right, my doings is your subject Peter and you start now. PJ: I don’t like the way the audience laughed when you said that! However... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: Nothing to do with my doings. NP: They did, because I said the subject and he didn’t like the way the audience laughed when he said that, and what I said was my doings. So he’s obviously on the subject isn’t he. I think so, and so you have 57 seconds, one of the earliest challenges we’ve had for a long time, on my doings starting now. PJ: Well there are an awful lot of them. Some of them are in the bathroom, murals which I’m hoping some day, when I pass on, to donate to the... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Ah hesitation. Before donating them. NP: A very slight hesitation but enough to give you, for me to give you the benefit of the doubt Andree. A point to you, 50, sorry, 47 seconds for my doings starting now. AM: My doings are small and insignificant and of no interest to anyone at all except... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, if they’re of no interest she ought to shut up! We don’t want to hear about them! CF: I don’t know why we have women on this show! KW: I don’t know either! We should never have had women on this show! I don’t know why they introduced them! NP: We’ve waited a long time for you to say about not having women on the programme... KW: Yes! I should say it more often! Yes! NP: However I disagree with the challenge and Andree has a point and she keeps her doings and there are 42 seconds with you Andree starting now. AM: My doings are of such enormous importance and significance that I’m delighted to be able to tell you about them! They are written in a large book! Daily I... BUZZ NP: A pause! Clement Freud? CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, Clement you take over my doings, 32 seconds starting now. CF: When I step out of the bath, I’m privileged to have had the architects design a full length mirror in which I regard myself. And the first thing that I see invariably are my doings. I also see a flannel, a towel, a brush and a loofa which with I do the sort of things which you might... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Two whiches in one sentence. NP: And I think you’ve saved him from a which worse than death, I think! AM: I think so! NP: Oh all right... AM: I do love him! NP: A tough challenge but in those circumstances as you don’t play the game as regularly as the three men, I will give you again the benefit Andree and 10 seconds for my doings starting now. AM: Oh I didn’t think I’d get it back! (laughs) BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has rapidly got back again with another challenge Clement. CF: Deviation, it had got nothing to do with the subject. NP: Exactly Clement. So there are eight seconds on my doings Clement starting now. CF: Getting a saucepan in one hand and a lid in the other, one approaches a cooker and turns the flame to medium... WHISTLE NP: Why didn’t one of you challenge then? You didn’t fall in quick enough to challenge it and so he was speaking when the whistle went, gains an extra point and he has now taken the lead. He has a lead of one over Andree Melly at the end of that round who is one ahead of Kenneth who is two ahead of Peter. And it is Clement’s turn to begin and a very long subject on the card which makes my life very difficult. Clement, how to avoid an emotional crisis while selecting French pastry. Would you like me to repeat it? CF: Yes. NP: That is the subject, you have 60 seconds starting now. CF: One of the great joys of receiving the subject of how to avoid an emotional crisis while selecting... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: In the middle of his emotional crisis. PJ: Yes. NP: He didn’t want to repeat it. All right, a very doubtful one but as it’s a tough subject and a tough game, let’s give it to you Peter, and you have 53 seconds for how to avoid an emotional crisis while selecting French pastry starting now. PJ: Whoever chooses this subject has obviously got a very strong pro-Freudian bias! Because this subject takes about 12 seconds to say, and if you’re allowed to repeat it three times, you’ve filled up half a minute before you’ve even said anything about the subject. BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: This is deviation, he’s not talking about the subject, it’s just about the game. NP: No, well it’s a very clever challenge but I do think he’s talking about the subject because he said, he said how you have to say it three times and you’ve probably filled up half the game. He did say subject more than once. CF: Mmm. NP: But you missed that one. AM: Repetition. NP: Too late, Peter has another point for an incorrect challenge, 37 seconds for how to avoid an emotional crisis while selecting a French pastry starting now. PJ: Look carefully at the patisserie through the window of the shop, scan the cream horns and puffs and vienna slices which are there, if you can see through the flies and tweed curtains which hang round the sides of the window... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of window. NP: Yes you’ve been through that window more than once. PJ: Yes. NP: You gave us such a picture, such a filthy picture after the clean one that er... we all thought... Clement you have a correct challenge and 20 seconds for the subject starting now. CF: Probably the best way of avoiding an emotional crisis choosing French pastries is choosing deliberately, taking your hand and grabbing about... BUZZ NP: Yes er... KW: Two choosing. NP: It’s not on the card, it’s selecting! You see this is why, you didn’t ask me to repeat it so choosing is a correct challenge because... CF: Quite right! Quite right! NP: By the way for those who don’t know, you are allowed to repeat the subject on the card more than once. And so choose is not, so 10 seconds for you now Kenneth on how to avoid an emotional crisis while selecting French pastries starting now. KW: You do this by first of all, having a cup of tea, two aspirins and lying down. In this way you are prepared for any kind of instability affecting the emotional... WHISTLE NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking as the whistle went, he has crept up a little, he’s in second place behind Clement Freud and again one point separates all four of them in this order, Clement Freud, Kenneth Williams, Andree Melly and Peter Jones. Ah Andree Melly it’s your turn to begin and the subject is putting a sock in it. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now. AM: Putting a sock in it is one of those rather ungracious phrases which I feel might have originated in the United States. It does not seem to me part of our English language heritage. I suppose it means to shut your cake hole, or belt up! It is something that you shouldn’t say to anybody, however boring they’re being. And ah i hope that nobody will er oh... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has got in first. KW: I’m afraid a little hesitation. NP: I thought you were going to say “oh put a sock in it Andree!” AM: Yes! NP: We shouldn’t have women on the show! KW: I don’t indulge in that kind of language! NP: Oh I’m sorry. That was hesitation, you have a point Kenneth and you have 35 seconds for putting a sock in it starting now. KW: This all started, you see, with them stuffing the sock with these feathered things and shoving them into people’s mouths who proved troublesome and heckled outside meetings. Public ones too, there was a terrible row about it and they said “get these socks and stuff them with feathers, you see and shove them...” BUZZ NP: Andree Melly challenged. KW: I know I said it before but it’s essential! They’ve got to understand what I’m talking about! Did you challenge? NP: No, he didn’t, so... KW: Oh sorry love! (gives CF a kiss) NP: You do flow hot and cold on your friends, don’t you? No Andree challenged, Andree. AM: Repetition of feathers. NP: Yes there was more than one lot of feathers there, so the repetition. Fifteen seconds for you Andree on putting a sock in it starting now. AM: Now a sock is a very useful object. Sometimes woolly, occasionally made of nylon or other synthetic... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, the subject is putting a sock in it, not discussing socks or what they’re made of. NP: Yes that’s true, isn’t it. Yes. You see... KW: It’s a slang expression, we all know it is. NP: Yes. KW: IT’s nothing to do with the socks per se... NP: No. KW: It’s to do with shutting up. NP: That’s right. You’ve made your point, you couldn’t have made it better, I agree with you Kenneth and eight seconds for putting a sock in it starting now. KW: When people are going on and on and on, and you say... BUZZ KW: "...ah put a sock in it, mate! Shut your face!” And that finishes them off! BUZZ NP: Well it hasn’t finished off Clement Freud because he challenged, and then Andree, and then Peter Jones. But you got in first Clement. CF: On and on and on. NP: On and on, you went on and on. KW: Oh yes! NP: You went on and on from the very first, so Clement Freud has another point and the subject and there are seven seconds starting now. CF: When you get a speaker who continues onwards and possibly upwards and you wish to stop... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged, why? AM: How can you continue to speak upwards? NP: He continues on... CF: Higher volume? AM: Speaking upwards! CF: Yes well... KW: Well I suppose to the gallery, you know. (screams) Hello up there! How are you? Hello! (normal voice) All that! NP: Well I, I... CF: Have you never heard anybody say speak up? NP: Speak upwards! A tough challenge but enough to give you the benefit of the doubt Andree, you have the subject, two seconds on putting a sock in it starting now. AM: If something’s leaking, a sock... WHISTLE NP: So a very interesting situation’s developed at the end of that round. Andree’s got the extra point for speaking as the whistle went and at the end of that round Andree Melly, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are all equal together in the lead ahead of Peter Jones. Um Peter Jones we’re with you again, the heebie-jeebies. Can you talk to us about the heebie-jeebies for 60 seconds starting now. PJ: It was a small pop group in the late 50s. They toured the north east of England, round about Tyneside. Didn’t ever achieve anything in the hit parade and never got on television. The phrase itself, of course, was born in New Orleans at the turn of the century when jazz first became popular. Taken over from the funeral dirges of the residents who played often on musical instruments which they had kept from the American Civil War. And they were given this phrase, the heebie-jeebies, when they got particularly nervous or depressed, when they were emotionally... BUZZ NP: Andree Melly has challenged. AM: Repetition of two when they weres. CF: Ohhh! NP: I know! What a rotten challenge! CF: What a rotten challenge! NP: We were enjoying it so much! KW: Yes! BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: Boo! NP: Yes, your booing brigade are in there! But of course if you do challenge on those small things which we do restrain ourselves on, on as and weres and ifs and buts and ands, Andree, it is a correct challenge so I must be accurate in the game, give you a point and the subject of the heebie-jeebies and 18 seconds starting now. AM: When you have an unpopular decision made against you, it is inclined to give you the heebie-jeebies. This means you become nervous... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why? PJ: I don’t think that’s true! I don’t think one gets the heebie-jeebies under those circumstances at all! NP: What would you call it Peter? PJ: The jim-jams! NP: Well looking at Andree I would say that she definitely had er a dose of the heebie-jeebies at that particular moment. She had heebie-jeebies written right over her. So she has a point there, I must agree with that and 10 and a half seconds on heebie-jeebies Andree starting now. AM: Actually this was a small Indian cricket team which came from a village... BUZZ NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged, why? KW: If it was a small Indian cricket team, how did she come out in them just now? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Because as you know very well, the subject on the card can mean more than one thing or be more than one thing. So an incorrect challenge alas, and Andree has another point and five seconds for the heebie-jeebies starting now. AM: The small hamlet was called Hebejabi and that’s where the team came from. I know this... BUZZ NP: Why Clement? CF: Repetition of team. NP: Right so Clement has another point for a correct... half... IAN MESSITER: One fifth of a second. NP: Yes, try getting him on deviation now, with a fifth of a second for the heebie-jeebies starting now. CF: Peter Jones... WHISTLE NP: No actually Andree did manage to challenge before the whistle went, what was your challenge incidentally? AM: Hesitation. NP: Should we give Andree a point for a good try? No. The audience say yes. Anyway Clement Freud got the whistle for when the point went. The point for when the whistle went. And I’m getting confused and er the subject is now with you Clement Freud and it is the in thing. Can you talk about the in thing for 60 seconds starting now. CF: When you make a statement and mention in this... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: I think there was a hesitation. It’s a bit tough to challenge quite so soon, isn’t it. KW: Well I was getting terribly bored! I was sitting here, I’m fed up, cold, my feet ache terrible, and I’ve got a bunion and the leather’s pressing on it! NP: All right, as the score tells me that Clement has got a very definite lead... KW: Yes he has! That’s the point you see! He’s creeping up on us! NP: ...and I gave the benefit of the doubt to Clement last time... KW: Yes! That’s right! NP: ...I will let you have the benefit of the doubt over... KW: Quite right! Quite right! NP: ...a tough challenge... KW: That’s right! NP: I make that quite clear but you have 56 seconds on the in thing starting now. KW: The in thing very obviously is the thing that isn’t out! And obviously you see... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, why? KW: Oh what happened? CF: Repetition of obviously. KW: Oh! NP: Yes so Clement very rapidly gets another point and back in with the subject and there are 47 seconds on the in thing Clement starting now. CF: I think in this game you can verily say that Peter Jones is the in thing. You only have to look at the audience each time my colleague in the grey suit opens his mouth. There is a hush of sympathy. And when he repeats himself, when he hesitates or when he deviates, there is a feeling of such empathy from all of the people gathered together in this hall that one hesitates to press a buzzer or in any other way... BUZZ NP: Ah Peter Jones has challenged. CF: I’d like to give it to him! PJ: Repetition of hesitates. NP: You don’t have to give it to him, you said hesitates twice and he got you on it legitimately. CF: One was hesitation, one was hesitates. NP: Ah but you’d like to give it to him. CF: Yes I’d like to give it to him. NP: So Peter Jones has got not only the sympathy of the audience but also Clement Freud. Peter you have another point and 23 seconds for the in thing starting now. PJ: Well you said the other week that we were allowed to repeat what the other person had said. So if I say that the thing that is in... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, what was said last week is nothing to do with this week! It’s ludicrous if we’re going to go backwards all the time! About last week! We’re doing it now, dear! You’ve got to say about now! It’s no good! I could go on about last week! NP: You go on all the time Kenneth! And you’ve gone on quite long enough because he was probably going to say, er, I said something last week which was the in thing or something like that. So he hadn’t really got going. No an incorrect challenge, Peter has a point and he has 15 seconds on the in thing starting now. PJ: I was going to repeat one of his most brilliant witticisms and now I’m not going to! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Deviation, I’ve never made a brilliant witticism! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: How do you know... KW: Thank you darling! NP: Kenneth how do you know he was referring to you? KW: What? PJ: I knew it wasn’t your own original witticism! But you said it quite nicely! NP: And so we had an incorrect challenge into the bargain and Peter has another point and 10 seconds for the in thing starting now. PJ: If you have an office and two or three trays marked in and out, and you can’t think of the word tray... BUZZ NP: (laughs) You can’t think of the word, and you thought of it and said it! Andree melly got in first. AM: Repetition. NP: Repetition yes, so she... three seconds for the in thing Andree starting now. AM: It is a small night-club in east Cheen, you go down... WHISTLE NP: Well I’m afraid I’ve been told we have no more time this week to play Just a Minute so all I can do now is give you the final score at the end of this particular edition of the game. A very interesting score, I think a very fair one. Peter Jones was in fourth place, but only, it wasn’t a bad fourth. They made a lot of jokes and cracks about you Peter, but you got a lot of points, you got seven points, you did very well. You were only a little way behind Kenneth Williams who spoke up much more than you did and he was in second, ah, third place. Andree Melly was in a very good third place but she was one point behind this week’s winner Clement Freud! We do hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett. |
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