JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 September 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well once again weíre pleased to welcome back in the fourth chair, Aimi Macdonald who has played the game a few times to play the game against these three tough male exponents of the game, Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud and Peter Jones. Once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. And let us begin with Kenneth Williams.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: How appropriate! How lovely!

NP: Kenneth the subject weíve chosen for you is hairy legs.

KW: Oh!

NP: So will you speak please on hairy legs for just one minute starting now.

KW: Well a curious subject for me. I would have thought it should have been expressed otherwise. Hirsute would have been more appropriate. However I have heard people say ďooooh ain't he got hairy legs!Ē And Iíve often thought it was very very attractive. Oh Iíve said very twice...

BUZZ

NP: Oh and Clement Freud has challenged. Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: He said very three times.

NP: He actually, he would, if youíd kept going they might have let you get away with it Kenneth. But actually yes you were repetitious so I agree with Clementís challenge so he takes over the subject with a point for a correct challenge. Clement there are 43 seconds left starting now.

CF: A very great friend of mine didnít so much have hairy legs but had...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Youíre very keen all of the sudden Peter.

PJ: Well Iím determined to play a very aggressive game! Iím not too satisfied about this chair actually!

NP: Well youíre sitting next to Aimi Macdonald, I donít see why you should complain!

PJ: Well...

NP: Actually I think your aggressive game was a bit too aggressive because I donít think he really did hesitate. So I disagree...

PJ: What did he do?

NP: He didnít do any of the faults for which...

PJ: Didnít he hesitate?

NP: No he didnít hesitate.

PJ: Oh.

NP: Didnít deviate and didnít do anything else.

PJ: I thought he hesitated.

NP: So actually Peter Iím disagreeing with your challenge, it means that Clement Freud gains the point for a wrong challenge, keeps the subject, 39 seconds left starting now.

CF: And while his left leg sprouted black, brown and ginger hair, his right one was entirely smooth, as a babyís cheek...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well deviation, it wouldnít sprout all those colours would it? I mean it would either give one kind of hair or none at all!

NP: Clement I agree with Kennethís challenge, he takes over the subject, a point for a correct challenge, 29 seconds left for hairy legs Kenneth starting now.

KW: When I played a lady in Singapore in an Army show, they said ďyouíve got to shave your legs, you know, because sheís supposed to look niceĒ. So I had to put these nylon stockings on so that the front row would think I was a lady. So...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Ah repetition.

NP: Yes?

CF: Of lady.

NP: Of lady.

KW: But theyíre interested! Sheís leaning forward there!

CF: Sheís asleep!

KW: Oh!

NP: Clement I agree with the challenge, you have 14 seconds on hairy legs starting now.

CF: Nobody in Great Yarmouth has hairier legs than one... toe...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald youíve challenged. Why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Hesitation.

NP: I think I agree. Yes he couldnít think of this man in Great Yarmouth who had the hairier legs than. Nine seconds left Aimi for you on hairy legs starting now.

AM: Well some people have short, fat, hairy legs. And some people have long thin ones...

BUZZ

NP: Peter why did you challenge?

PJ: Repetition of some people.

NP: Yes I think thatís very unchivalrous after what I said at the beginning.

AM: Oh Iím so, oh, yes, I concentrated so much on hairy legs, not repeating that...

PJ: Quite! Yes!

AM: ...that I did the other thing.

PJ: Well...

NP: Thatís whatís difficult isnít it. But er...

PJ: I was thinking of legs at the same time!

NP: Yes youíre bringing out this new aggressive image. All right Peter, so there are four seconds left for hairy legs with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Can be quite attractive, so long as theyíre not shaved...

WHISTLE

NP: That whistle was blown for us by Ian Messiter the creator of this devious game and it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And as you know whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who now has two, Aimi Macdonald has one, Clement Freud has three, and Kenneth Williams has one. And we move to the second subject which is a long word for Clement Freud to start with, monosodiumglutomate. Clement would you talk to us about that, monosodiumglutomate, for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: In this day and age, itís almost impossible to buy a tin in a popular store which does not contain this substance. Monosodiumglutomate is in fact an artificial taste stimulant which has about it an element of preservative. And whether you buy sandwich spread, hamburgers or...

NP: Peter Jones youíve challenged.

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes I, I quite agree Peter. So you gain a point for a correct challenge and the subject. There are 35 seconds left and that was a subject Iím sure Clement can talk about. But can you talk about monosodiumglutomate for 35 seconds starting now.

PJ: When you read the phrase ďother ingredients to enhance the natural flavourĒ then they are referring to monosodiumglutomate. And when it is added to national dishes like hotpot and bakewell tart and...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AM: Because you, you donít put it in hotpot.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Of course this is one of the...

PJ: You can put it, itís a matter of taste!

NP: This is what I was about to say. This is the problem the chairman has. You can put it in your hotpot. Maybe Peter Jones puts it into his hotpot. But I donít think we would most of us put it in our hot pot. And Iím sure Aimi Macdonald you donít put it in your hotpot.

AM: Oh no! Never!

PJ: Itís not a question of fact! I mean is she challenging on a question of fact?

NP: No, sheís challenging on a question of accuracy and I would say generally...

PJ: But accuracy isnít a rule in this game! It isnít accurate that you canít buy tins of things that donít contain it!

NP: I have...

AM: No!

NP: ...to give the benefit of the doubt to somebody Peter. On this occasion it goes to the person who hasnít played the game as often as you, Aimi Macdonald and she has 17 seconds for monosodiumglutomate starting now.

AM: Monosodiumglutomate is spelt M-O-N-O...

BUZZ

AM: ....S-O-D-I-U-M... Has somebody buzzed?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

AM: I havenít!

CF: O.

KW: You said O twice! Brilliant! Oh youíre on form!

AM: Oh thatís not fair! (laughs)

NP: Clement you have monosodiumglutomate back with you for 11 seconds starting now.

CF: There is on the market a Japanese delicacy which consists almost entirely of monosodiumglutomate. Itís a sort of cocktail savoury which people have with...

WHISTLE

NP: Actually I think that a very clever person could have challenged just on the last second there because Clement actually paused for the last two seconds and didnít say anything. Clement you were speaking when the whistle went so you gain the extra point, you have a commanding lead at the end of that round. And now we begin with Aimi Macdonald. Aimi the subject for you that Aimi has thought of is the average man. So as an unaverage woman would you talk about the average man for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The average man is about five feet eight inches tall, got medium brown hair, light brown eyes, weighs about 12 stone and usually has legs, two arms,s a nose, two eyes, a neck, a face, hair, pot belly (laughs) and er he usually goes to work (laughs). I canít go on! (laughs) Somebody buzz me! (laughs)

NP: All right Aimi, Iíll challenge you!

BUZZ

NP: Oh weíve had a challenge! Just in the nick of time we had a challenge! Aimi Macdonald you challenged yourself! Well that was very quick thinking! So Aimi what are you challenging for? Hesitation?

AM: Oh yes!

NP: I quite agree! Definitely!

AM: I hesitated long ago.

NP: So you get a point for hesitating and er you were so quick to challenge yourself so having got another point you continue with the subject and there are 25 seconds on the average man, I didnít know the average man would dry you up to that extent Aimi.

AM: Oh!

NP: You continue for 25 seconds starting now.

AM: The average man usually finds an average woman. And they both get married and they usually live in an average house. (laughs) Oh God!

BUZZ

AM: Iím getting all mixed up again!

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Itís a disgrace! She canít go on! I mean...

NP: I think itís very chivalrous of you to help her out Ken!

KW: Iím not helping her out! Itís obvious that this woman will just dry up!

NP: All right, what are you challenging for? Hesitation, repetition or deviation? Or all three?

KW: What is it when you dry up?

NP: Whatís that? The whole lot?

KW: The whole lot.

NP: The whole lot. All right I will give you one point for the whole lot, I canít give you three points.

KW: All right.

NP: All right Kenneth, you have the average man, there are 15 seconds left starting now.

KW: The average man is an unknown quantity. This is the sort of generalisation that is continually made like the one about pedestrians and motorists, neither exist. A man drives a car, he gets out of a car, what is he...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: How dare people jump in! Iím in the middle of a bit of erudition here!

NP: Erudition? Driving cars? Erudition?

KW: Yes thatís erudition, that is! Describing the whole process! Whatís your challenge anyway?

NP: What is it? Youíve made him dry up now!

CF: Repetition of car.

NP: Yes there was a lot of repetition and there was a repetition of car. Clement very cleverly got in with only one...

KW: Yes! Cleverly got in, thatís the word, isnít it. Yes! Yes! Cleverly got in! You noticed that, didnít you! Yes! Yes!

NP: You could have got in at the end of the last round, he paused for two seconds Kenneth!

KW: Yes! I know his trick! Yes!

NP: Well take a leaf out of his book and get in at the end of him, but you canít in this round...

KW: Wait till the last minute!

NP: Yes he only has one second left on the average man Clement starting now.

CF: Maryís...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh!

NP: Right, Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went once again and heís increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones we begin with you in this round and the subject is snakes and ladders. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well both of them are very unpleasant things to get in your stockings. And snakes have got a very bad name for being slimy and generally unpleasant though Iíve stroked a snake in the zoo where I happen to have a fellow friend, or a friend who is a fellow. Um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Two fellows.

NP: Two fellows, two friends, yes. Clement you have a correct challenge and a point and 41 seconds for snakes and ladders starting now.

CF: A little known aspect of snakes and ladders which is, as most people know, a game is that if you turn it upside down the snakes become the goodies and the ladders become the baddies. And many a happy hour has been spent by people using...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition of people.

NP: Yes and er there was other repetitions that you missed about um...

PJ: Yes but I donít have to forfeit anything for missing something! Of course Iíve missed all kinds of things!

NP: All right Peter, 24 seconds on snakes and ladders starting now.

PJ: Er yes well Iím sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I think there was a hesitation there.

NP: Yes I think there was a definite hesitation. You would...

PJ: Yes there was because I was thinking about the things I missed! I donít think you ought to introduce that at all!

NP: All right and so there are 22 seconds on snakes and ladders for you Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well you thrown this dice you see and it entitles you to move in a certain direction. And it says you know forfeit 100 pounds, go back to point one or you can win the whole of Mayfair. Now I once did have a hold of all these properties and it was in fact....

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald youíve challenged, why?

AM: Deviation.

KW: What?

AM: You were talking about another game!

KW: Oh! Oh! Silly me! Oh what a fool I am!

AM: You donít win Mayfair in snakes and ladders, do you?

KW: Oh sorry, sorry!

NP: You win that in Monopoly, donít you.

KW: Yes I got it mixed up with Red Nines! Iím always doing that you know!

NP: Anyway nine seconds on snakes and ladders with you now Aimi starting now.

AM: Ladders are very necessary things actually. Every home should have one because if you have a place that you want to get at and itís very high up, then the only way to go is actually...

WHISTLE

NP: Aimi Macdonald was then speaking when the whistle went, she gained that extra point. And she is now very definitely in a good second place behind Clement Freud who is still our leader. And Kenneth and Peter about equal in third place. And Kenneth weíre back with you, your turn to begin, a nice subject that Ian has thought of for you, Herculenean. Can you talk to us about it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: It I believe was situated in the gulf of Naples and alongside the other town of Pompeii suffered a terrible disaster when Vesuvius there interrupted and destroyed them both. I believe archaeological remains show the people who lie in their beds as they were uncovered in the act, so to speak, of...

BUZZ

KW: Here!

NP: Peter has challenged.

PJ: Er hesitation.

KW: No! Not at all!

NP: I quite agree Kenneth, keep going, you have another point and 43 seconds starting now.

KW: Gibbon remarks upon the fact that of the wisest emperor, he quotes of course, Antoninus Pius, but the wisest he says was undoubtedly Hadrian. And I would say that perhaps the title or the appellation generally should be applied to Titus...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged. Why?

PJ: Terribly boring! Terribly boring!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So what is your challenge within the rules of the game?

KW: Itís obvious what crowd heís got in here tonight, isnít it!

PJ: Just being boring! I mean he did hesitate earlier on and I stopped him on that account and you said he didnít hesitate or you wouldnít allow it. So I thought well, boring, thatís a good one! I mean he is boring!

NP: Peter I, I disagree with you. Itís a difficult decision about hesitation but I disagree, I donít think he did hesitate.

PJ: Well all right...

NP: But actually boring is not a rule of the game and unless you can think of another challenge within the rules of the game, i have to give Kenneth another point for an incorrect challenge and ask him to continue. And you have two seconds to answer me now. (silence) Kenneth you have a point and you have 28 seconds for Herculenean starting now.

KW: If the grottoes of Herculenean have been uncovered by the archaeologists...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Uncovered.

NP: Yes thereís been a lot of uncovering going on in this particular course Kenneth. And...

KW: I suppose heís got in on the last minute again, has he?

NP: No, thereís 23 seconds for Herculenean starting now.

CF: Iíve always thought that 23 seconds was about the right length of time to discuss Herculenean...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged.

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

KW: Certainly! Deviation! Absolutely! Yes!

NP: Shut up Kenneth! What were you going to say Peter?

PJ: Well heís not talking about the subject!

KW: Exactly!

PJ: Heís talking about what heís always felt...

KW: Thatís right!

PJ: ...and I donít want to know!

NP: Well actually I think he said that he thought 23 seconds was enough time, heíd always thought it was about enough time to talk about Herculenean. So heís not deviated from the subject on the card, Herculenean and much as Iíd like to bring you in because youíre trying very hard Peter, Iíve got to be accurate otherwise Iíll get lots of letters. And say Clement Freud has got another point and there are 19 seconds on Herculenean starting now.

CF: Whereas 19 seconds is far too little...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this preoccupation with time has nothing to do with Herculenean! And you know it as well as I know it! Now stop shilly-shallying Nick! Now come on!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I had forgotten that we have a lovely audience in the BBC Playhouse here...

KW: They were hired by him!

NP: Yes! And when I have an impossible decision I have to put it to the superior wisdom and discretion of our audience. So ladies and gentlemen now is your opportunity to give voice. If you agree with Clementís, Kennethís challenge would you please cheer. And if you...

CHEER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Shut up! And if you disagree would you please boo, in other words if you feel I should not give it to Kenneth but Clement Freud. The boos for Clement, the cheers for Kenneth, start together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Iíll get all those that booed outside and bash them!

NP: There was only about one I think.

KW: Yes thatís enough.

NP: All right, thatís enough for you to get a point and the subject, 15 seconds, Herculenean starting now.

KW: One of the most beautiful of these grottoes uncovered depicted...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald...

KW: Here! Wait a minute!

AM: Repetition.

NP: Yes?

AM: Uncovered again darling.

NP: You see, uncovering is going on all the time!

CF: And grottoes.

NP: And grotto. You keep uncovering your grotto Kenneth! And this is a family show as Iíve so often heard you say! Aimi you have 10 seconds on Herculenean starting now.

AM: Well once upon a time, there was a great big man who came from a town called Herculenean. This man had huge muscles and he used to walk around carrying the world on his shoulders. His name...

WHISTLE

NP: Obviously Aimi you must always get in 10 seconds before the end because you can just go for 10 seconds without giggling, canít you!

AM: Yes I just cottoned on to that! Yes!

NP: All right! Well your cottoning on is keeping you in a good second place behind Clement Freud who is still in the lead. And Kenneth and Peter have got points as well, theyíre well in third place. And Aimi Macdonald your turn to begin, the subject, how I look in hot pants. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Well I donít wear hot pants very much. But if I do, I, i suppose I look all right. (giggles)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well all this giggling and larking about is nothing to do with speaking er consecutively is it?

NP: Yes I think she prefers you to play the game the way you usually play it, with thrust and cut and aggression which youíve just done. So youíve got her out of a predicament, youíve got a point, you have 50 seconds on how I look in hot pants starting now.

KW: The answer is of course enormously attractive. And this occurred on one occasion on the set at Pinewood when I had to do exactly that. And the cries of delight that went up from even electricians, plasterers, carpenters, technicians, sound men, directors of course, assistant directors...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of directors.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you had the director and the assistant director.

KW: Well theyíre two different things dear!

NP: I know but theyíve got the same word. Which is repetition in Just A Minute. You went through all that list so marvellously but anyway Clement you have a point and 26 seconds for how I look in hot pants starting now.

CF: The way I look in hot pants is to ease the waistband towards me and crane my head forward. This becomes difficult because my forehead quite often meets a protrusion which many women have around the place where men do not. But when you succeed the joys are quite...

WHISTLE

NP: Perhaps it was as well we didnít get beyond the point of describing what the joys were. Clement you have a point for speaking when the whistle went, youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. And Peter Jones we now move to you for the beginning of the next round. The subject chosen is a cross-section of the public. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I think the cross section of the public must be almost in the majority now judging by the number of slogans and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Heís talking so slowly, you know, I mean he can just fill in for hours going... like... that... all... the....

NP: Yeah Iíve heard you do that before now.

KW: Oh Iíve never done that! Iíve always been....

CRIES OF ďOHHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut your row!

NP: Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, you were on his side before, do you think that Kenneth Williams sometimes goes rather slowly in this game?

CF: Never!

CRIES OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter Jones you have a point and you have er 47 seconds for the cross-section of the public starting now.

PJ: They deface the signs on the underground railways and they make a mess in telephone boxes. And they also...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged.

KW: Three theys. They three times.

NP: Oh we donít allow such silly words.

KW: He said they may, they may, they may! Three times!

NP: I donít think he said they may. He just said they three times. There are 39 seconds Peter on a cross-section of the public starting now.

PJ: And of course um theyíre...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi you challenged.

AM: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes thatís what happens when someone gets thrown by an aggressive challenge and they lose it the next time. Aimi you have a point for a correct challenge and there are 36 seconds on a cross-section of the public starting now.

AM: A cross-section of the public is usually very angry. They bump into people on the road and talk rather...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Because this is deviation, itís nothing to do with a cross-section of the public. A cross-section of the public simply means a sample taken at random of all the people. Nothing to do...

AM: It could be a cross....

KW: ...with people getting angry and crossing the road and shouting the odds.

AM: Of course it could!

KW: I havenít heard anything like it in my life! Sheís off the top of her head!

NP: If you...

KW: Sheís talking out the top of her head! Sheís talking out the top of her head, ainít she?

NP: What do you...

KW: Look at her there! She agrees! Yes!

AM: Another word for angry, youíre cross!

NP: What do you do on this programme except talk off the top of your head? No, if you take the interpretation of cross in the angry sense then a cross section of the public moving about the streets would bump into people because theyíre very aggressive. So Iím afraid I disagree with the challenge Kenneth and Aimi has another point and 27 seconds on a cross-section of the public starting now.

AM: One cross-section of the public drive motor cars. And when they bump into each other they get out and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: We have had that!

AM: No, no, theyíre bumping...

CF: The bump into each other.

NP: So youíre having repetition?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes well all right, Clement you have the subject and you have 21 seconds starting now.

CF: Itís very difficult when youíre asked to talk to a cross-section of the public when ideally you want to know the identity of the people you are addressing. And recently at a speech I asked my host, could they give me a breakdown of the cross-section of the public. May I, I said to the chairman, have them broken down by age and...

WHISTLE

NP: Yes all right, so ladies and gentlemen Iím sorry, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. The final score was that Kenneth finished in fourth place one point behind Peter Jones. Peter Jones was one point behind Aimi Macdonald and Aimi was six points behind this weekís winner Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.