JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 September 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we are very thrilled and delighted to welcome back to Just A Minute Derek Nimmo! And Iím going to ask them all if they can to speak for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth the subject chosen for you is things I never should have done. Many of those, I think, have occurred in Just A Minute. But would you talk about that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well there are many things I never should have done. But certainly I would say foremost among them was going into the Army. I was down for the Navy and like a fool, I let myself be pressurised. I should never, I should have stuck out for the thing I wished...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged you.

ANDREE MELLY: I never did a thing!

NP: Well your buzz, the light came on because you pressed your buzzer.

AM: I didnít!

NP: Do it again then, will you!

BUZZ

NP: Well thatís Derek Nimmoís buzzer! (laughs)

DEREK NIMMO: Can we swap?

NP: Now would you like to press the buzzer Derek?

BUZZ

NP: Yes, was it you who challenged?

DN: Yes!

NP: Oh! What a pleasure to hear from you! Derek what is your challenge?

DN: I canít really remember at this stage! Oh I think, yes, itís deviation.

NP: Deviation in what way?

DN: Iíve no idea really!

NP: Itís a long time since youíve played the game!

DN: Thatís right!

NP: I donít think he was really deviating from the subject on the card Derek. So what happens is as I disagree with your challenge, Kenneth gains a point for a wrong challenge, he keeps the subject and there are 47 seconds left, 43 seconds left for things I never should have done starting now.

KW: And I never should have left the bayonet on the bed the first day. Because it was pinched and they said to me ďyouíre responsible for Army property going...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Army.

NP: Yes weíve had the Army more than once Iím afraid. Should have gone in the Navy and you werenít in the Army. So I agree with that challenge of repetition, Clement Freud gains a point for a correct challenge and the subject, and there are 35 seconds left starting now.

CF: The things I never should have done are going into a restaurant and ordering fish fingers because when they arrived, they were sodden and soggy and dark brown, nearly black. And there was no tomato ketchup, hardly any pickle...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Because I, it wouldnít be a restaurant, it would be a nice cafe!

DN: Hear hear!

NP: Oh what a difficult situation. Maybe there are some restaurants that serve fish fingers for all I know. I donít know, who can say? It is one of these occasions where we bow to the superior judgement of the audience. Do you think that Andree Melly has a justifiable challenge that only cafes, er, serve fish fingers? If you agree with Andreeís challenge, cheer, and if you disagree, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CF: Boo!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Ah thereís the fish finger expert! Well the audience seem to be, I think, of the opinion that only cafes sell fish fingers. So Andree theyíre on your side, you gain the subject and a point of course and 20 seconds left for things I should never have done starting now.

AM: Things that I never should have done happened mostly before I was about eight, when I wasnít clever enough to get away with complete wickedness. I pushed my older brother on to the electric fire, in front of which he was squatting. And about a year later, I broke a dinner plate over his head to see which was the stronger...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Andree Melly so she has two at the end of that round to Kenneth and Clementís one. Nobody wanted to challenge her on these horrible, devious things that she did to her poor little brother! Ah Clement Freud it is your turn to begin and the subject is strippers. I don;t know whether you know anything about them but if youíd like to try and talk about them for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Strippers, it would appear, are men or women who unclothe themselves in public, usually for financial remuneration. It is wrong to think strippers are as numerate as they would appear to be because the majority of strippers go to five or six different clubs, in each of which they enter by one door, unclothe themselves and leave by another. I have this on very good authority because I was once asked by the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Because if theyíre stripped, and theyíre leaving by the other door, they would be arrested before they got to the next one!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The next what? No, itís a devious thought but not devious within the context of the game. So I disagree with the challenge, Clement has a point, 31 seconds on strippers starting now.

CF: I was once sent by the editor of a paper for which I worked, to investigate the problem of strippers. And spent in the course of one day some nine hours going from one establishment to another, trying to find how sexually titivating the public nudity would be for me personally. And I can report that there was not a twinge! Nothing whatsoever happened to me. I returned to the home of my wife and family...

WHISTLE

NP: Iím delighted that he got back to his wife and family before the 60 seconds were up, otherwise it might have sounded very devious! Clement Freud you gain an extra point for speaking when the whistle went, you now have a lead of one over Andree Melly at the end of that round. Kenneth and Derek are a little way behind and Andree Melly it is your turn to begin. Being noncommittal. Would you like to talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: I really do feel, looking at this subject from the front and back, sideways as well, from the left or right, or even sitting on the fence, that this is something that one should try to cultivate. Politicians are extremely good at it. And those people who issue communiquťs of heads of state after they have been meeting for hours or days manage to find phrases that mean absolutely nothing at all. The er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Derek I agree with hesitation, you have a point for a correct challenge, there are 33 seconds for you to talk to us now on being noncommittal starting now.

DN: I absolutely hate people being noncommittal! I think you should be terribly positive and go out into the wilderness and strike a pose and say something that really means something! Unlike the politicians which Andree Melly has mentioned before and thatís why I can talk about them because I...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged you.

AM: Repetition because I talked about it before and deviation because heís being committed.

KW: Oh yes!

NP: Oh!

KW: Yes thatís true!

NP: No, no! Which challenge do you wish to give me? I canít accept two.

AM: Ummmm, well, looking at it up and down and in and out, um... the second.

NP: The second? I disagree with them both anyway so... Derek Nimmo has a point because I disagree with that challenge and he has 20 seconds on being noncommittal starting now.

DN: Sometimes when one walks along a country lane and says an occasional er or an infrequently said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes an occasional er. I think there was another er after the occasional er, wasnít there? Yes.

DN: Well it was an um actually.

NP: Yes well weíll have the um as hesitation, the er was part of the speech so Clement Freud has the subject. There are 12 seconds for you Clement, being noncommittal starting now.

CF: When I was asked to give my opinion on the game of cricket, I said it really depends very much indeed what you mean. Because if you had intended to mean...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud very cleverly got in with a legitimate challenge before the whistle so heís increased his lead at the end of that round. But Derek with his usual panache did manage to gain two points coming into second place alongside Andree. And um er Kennethís one point behind. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin. A subject which I manage youíve had a great deal of experience of recently, foreign hotels. So you donít even need to make a note of the subject, just talk about it for 60 seconds Derek starting now.

DN: Well Iím afraid I donít awfully care for foreign hotels. The beds are quite frequently rather hard. And the plumbing I strongly object to. And itís really the breakfast I find particularly abhorrent. When I wander down and my porridge is not waiting for me, thereís no sugar nor cream, the coffee is not of the constituency that I prefer...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why did you challenge?

AM: Constituency?

NP: No, not...

AM: Itís deviation, you canít have a constituent coffee!

NP: No! Of course you canít!

DN: A political cup of coffee!

NP: He was searching for the word consistency, constituency came out. Andree you have the subject for a correct challenge and 36 seconds, foreign hotels starting now.

AM: Iíve stayed in four foreign hotels over the last week and feel really qualified to talk about them. The beds are extremely lumpy as I canít afford four stars and go down to about two...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of four.

AM: Oh!

CF: Four hotels and four stars.

NP: Oh yes, you should have had five hotels. Very well listened Clement, there are 25 seconds on foreign hotels starting now.

CF: The extraordinary things about foreign hotels is they do sell fish fingers. In England you can only get these things in cafes as has been established. Not restaurants. But when you go abroad, order whatever you will and you get the...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes definitely, he was so piqued about the other challenge, he had to get back to fish fingers and he tripped himself up because he couldnít get fish fingers back into foreign hotels. So Derek you got in with six seconds to go on foreign hotels and you start now.

DN: The thing I like about them is being able to ring down to the bell captain and say send up a brace of strippers. And when they come up...

WHISTLE

NP: And we thought we were leading such a secluded life when you were abroad Derek! You have crept into second place behind Clement Freud at the end of that round. And Andree Melly itís your turn to begin, um, the subject is wasps, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Wasps donít like me at all. I was stung three times this summer on...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís a sign of affection. If they didnít like her, they wouldnít go near her!

NP: You mean the fact that a wasp goes near her, thatís a sign of affection?

CF: Yes.

NP: If thatís a sign of affection, why do they give such a revolting and painful er evidence of it? I would disagree, I disagree with the challenge Clement and Andree has 55 seconds on wasps starting now.

AM: When theyíre in a very high hot temperature, they like to get near something wet and humid. And this is why they stung me. They... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I thought youíd have her for deviation, I... the idea of Andree Melly being wet and humid!

AM: I was hanging out the laundry!

NP: Oh! The subject is wasps, it is now with you Kenneth Williams having gained a point and there are 46 seconds left starting now.

KW: The great thing to remember if youíre ever stung by a wasp is to get the vinegar to the place very quickly because that is the proper antidote. As they always say. And the other thing is always to remember that the bee...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

KW: Do you mind? Iím having a... Canít open your mouth in this game!

NP: I know but when you do, it goes so well! What did you want to say? What did you want to finish?

KW: No, Iím not bothered now! What was the challenge?

NP: What was the challenge?

DN: Repetition of always.

NP: Yes you had two always in, bit of a tough one but Derek hasnít played the game for a long time so weíll let him have it. Thirty seconds on wasps with you Derek starting now.

DN: Of course one of the useful things about foreign hotels is when you have your empty jam pot, you can go and put it outside and little wasps go into the jam pot and get stuck...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: When you go into a foreign hotel, wasps go, two goes. Repetition! He got me on always, I get him on go!

NP: All right, no, no, heís perfectly legitimate to challenge and it was repetition of go. So Kenneth you have a point, and you have 23 seconds left, wasps starting now.

KW: Lillian Smythe said to me ďwhen we were at Epping Forest we opened the marmalade and they all rushed to get in the jar, you see, and my husband said Ďfor goodness sake cover it upí but we couldnít! And they were buzzing all round and I got stung and my daughter got stung...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of stung.

NP: Yes! Five seconds are left on wasps with you Clement starting now.

CF: White Anglo-Saxon Protestant...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, white Anglo-Saxon Protestant is nothing to do with wasps!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know what colour or religion most wasps are actually! But um what er, he didnít really get going. What were you going to say after that Clement?

DN: Thatís what it stands for!

CF: Thatís what it stands for!

AM: Thatís what it stands for!

KW: Heís going from an initial thing. Itís like saying UNESCO, you know. White Anglo-Saxon, you know, itís all that rubbish! I mean we could go on and on about what these words really mean forever. Hint could be said to mean something else, couldnít it?

NP: I know but heís only just created those initials, hasnít he?

DN: No he hasnít, in America wasps...

CF: Absolutely...

DN: White Anglo-Saxon Protestants are known as Wasps.

KW: But itís not the subject! If it was W-A-S-P on the card it would be all right, but itís not! On the card is written the word wasps! And thatís what we ought to concentrate on!

NP: But Iím afraid Kenneth, they are usually often referred to as wasps even when youíre using...

KW: They are never! Iíve never heard people going around saying ďheís a wasp!Ē Itís rubbish!

NP: Same as the rugby football team are the Wasps and they I think are...

KW: This is infuriating! Iím throbbing with anger, I am!

NP: You throb magnificently and the audience enjoy it, every beat of your throbbing. And but I disagree with your challenge and Clement Freud has another point and only two seconds to go starting now.

CF: And in Wembley, thereís a rugby...

WHISTLE

KW: Completely irrelevant! Disgraceful! Completely irrelevant!

NP: So Clement Freud has considerably increased his lead at the end of that round with points during the round, and also the extra one at the end. Derek Nimmo we are back with you, from wasps we move to flies. Can you talk about those for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I must confess that Iíve never really been terribly interested in flies until I first came upon this programme. There I met Clement Freud who introduced me to the full glory of flies. He in fact is an insectologist of tremendous renown. He goes around...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Iíve never heard of me as an insectologist!

DN: Heís just being modest!

CF: I havenít even heard of the word insectologist!

NP: No, etymologist.

DN: I... well there you are, two things that heís learnt today! Insectologist and heís an authority on them!

NP: Not only that but one of the leading authorities! There are 40 seconds for you on flies Clement starting now.

CF: When a man stands on the sill of the 42nd floor of a large building, opens the window and...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: If he stands on the sill, heís already opened the window! Itís deviation.

NP: What? What was that about deviation?

DN: I would have gone for hesitation if I was you! Packed up about half an hour before!

NP: Yeah! What was your deviation?

AM: Well if he was standing on the sill and then he opened the window, so how could he open the window if he was standing on the sill.

NP: Well you can stand on the sill and open the window. Especially the...

AM: No, the sill was outside the window! Hesitation!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: Hear hear!

NP: He definitely hesitated but you, you had him on deviation first and foremost. But actually to be fair, these are the rules of the game, the first thing you say is what I have to accept. So Iím afraid, I donít think it was deviation. And while heís only increasing his lead with an incorrect challenge, I have to keep it with Clement Freud with 31 seconds on flies starting now.

CF: Having sewn swanís feathers on his arms and legs, he opens his...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of opens.

NP: Yes yes he opened the window before. And you have 26 seconds for flies Derek starting now.

DN: Oh my goodness me! When you go out in your little meadow in the springtime and there are butterflies and little wasps and all signs of pretty creatures caressing oneís brow as oneís standing there in the midday sun...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

DN: ...poring down upon one, one thinks of the...

KW: These little creatures donít caress your brow! Deviation! Deviation, they donít caress your brow! I mean... it makes a mockery of a love scene, if they do anyway!

NP: Well a butterfly, a butterfly might...

DN: Have you never been caressed by a butterfly Kenneth?

KW: Theyíd probably irritate you if they crawled on your brow! Thatís what you mean!

NP: Well even if a butterfly caresses your brow, I donít think a wasp would caress it. I agree with Kennethís challenge actually. So Kenneth has the subject and a point and there are 12 seconds left starting now.

KW: They are a continual reminder to us that we need to be properly sanitated against all this filth! Because they land on these bits of food, you see, and then you go and eat them! You donít know where theyíve been, do you? You must spray!

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth struck a chord there which brought applause from the audience. Not only for the thought but also for the fact he was speaking when the whistle went. Heís gained some more points, heís now equal in third place with Andree Melly. Theyíre both trailing a little behind Derek Nimmo who is trailing a little behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams it is your turn to begin, the lessons of experience. Can you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: There are many that maintain that only with experience does one truly learn anything. And I would say that while I cannot go along 100 percent with this there is a great deal of truth in it. The hand that is burned by the fire will thereafter be wary of such a thing a second time. And of course in the field of personal knowledge such as humility, a learning of what oneís proper station is in life, a knowledge of oneís own capabilities. All these things are only taught in that hard place whereas Milton said you win the garland, not by cloistered virtue and not without heat and...

WHISTLE

KW: ...dust! Heat and dust! You see...

NP: Clement Freud challenged you.

KW: Oh did he? Whatís he on about?

CF: Deviation.

NP: What? Why?

CF: Milton didnít say all that!

KW: He certainly did!

NP: He may not, were all the words exactly Miltonís?

KW: Yes.

NP: He certainly said something similar.

CF: Not heat and dust repeated twice.

KW: Oh he didnít repeat it twice. Did I repeat it twice?

CF: Mmmm!

KW: Oh well you should have challenged me on repetition then. Youíve got it all wrong! Heís got it all wrong, hasnít he!

NP: I was just about to say exactly what Kenneth just said.

KW: Oh itís Milton, itís from Miltonís poem, Of Cloistered Virtue.

NP: I know. The fact that Milton said some of it, if not all of it...

KW: Itís all of it, yes, all of it!

NP: Yeah but he didnít repeat it! He didnít repeat it!

KW: Exactly! Yes!

NP: But he didnít challenge you for repetition so Iím going to give it to you Kenneth. You keep the subject with eight seconds left on the lessons...

KW: Whatís the subject?

NP: Itís the subject that you can learn from. The lessons of experience starting now.

KW: One thing it certainly taught me was the value of the Trajan Roman Alphabet. Now many people think of this as beginning with 20th century...

WHISTLE

NP: Itís an object lesson in experience there! And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject is cats. Can you talk to us about cats for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: On the Isle of Man it will be noticed that cats have no tails. Whereas in the south of France they use tomcats for the fixation of perfume. This is really rather a revolting... process...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged. Why?

AM: Hesitation. After revolting.

NP: Yes he thought of how revolting it was and he hesitated. Yes it was a, it was a, it was a... debatable but Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt Andree and give you... well heís way in the lead, he can afford to be, have it done...

AM: No, I donít want charity! No!

NP: Iím giving you a correct challenge...

AM: Thank you.

NP: ...45 seconds on cats starting now.

AM: Some people are very boring about cats. Theyíre mad about them and they go on interminably on the subject. They seem to feel that thereís some particular quality about a cat which does not pertain to other four-legged, even two... limbed...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, if Iím going to give the other one against Derek, I must give that one against you Andree. Derek you have 29 seconds on cats starting now.

DN: Last week I was in Bangkok and the curious thing was that as I wandered around the capital of Thailand as itís now called, I could not see one Siamese cat. I then discovered that for some long time theyíd been exporting them to the United States of America where apparently they breed most prolifically. I lamented the fact that I could not see these creatures...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Repetition of two could not sees.

NP: Yes.

AM: I could not see one single one and I could not...

NP: Yes Iím afraid so Derek. There are five seconds on cats with you Andree Melly starting now.

AM: What is a mystery to me is why they like fish which they particularly...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has got in, challenged.

DN: Repetition of why.

NP: Oh?

DN: Repetition of why, she said why before.

NP: Oh! Thatís too sharp really!

DN: He had me on go!

NP: All right...

KW: You had me on always! Donít you start! Oh, straight out of the knife box, isnít he! Sharp!

NP: All right, youíve come back with a very sharp tie from Bangkok, I might tell you. Itís a beautiful magnificent yellow tie! There are two seconds on cats Derek starting now.

BUZZ

DN: Meow!

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely right Andree, you have a... and there is one second on cats starting now.

AM: My cat likes dog food!

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Andree and Derek fought out that last round, gaining a number of points, Iím afraid they didnít make a great deal of difference to the final position. Because the final position is to be given now as we have no more time to play. Kenneth finished just in fourth place, two points behind Andree Melly who was two points behind Derek Nimmo who was two points behind this weekís winner, once again, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And it only remains for me to say from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.