JAM:CFreud,PJones,THawks,FMacAulay
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, TONY HAWKS and FRED MACAULAY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 March 1997)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure not only to welcome the listeners to the programme but also to welcome to the programme the four exciting and dynamic personalities who are going to play the game this week. We welcome back two of the original players of the game who have been with us for many years, and still playing with great aplomb, that is Clement Freud and Peter Jones. And two of the younger generation of comedians who have shown such skill in Just A Minute, that is Tony Hawks and Fred MacAulay. Would you please welcome all four of them! And this particular recording of Just A Minute comes from the Studentís Union in the ancient Scottish university of St Andrewís. And we have an audience in front of us who are looking so excited because we were here a few weeks ago.... and I threw out the suggestion that we might come back and it was received with such enthusiasm we could not wait to return to this beautiful little town situated on the East Fife coast just beside the famous golf course. And this wonderful audience of undergraduates, graduates, profs, doctors, lecturers, bejans and bejantines, absolutely everyone is here in the audience waiting to hear Just A Minute again. Elaine Wigley sits beside me, she has a stopwatch, she has a whistle, sheís going to keep the score and blow that whistle when 60 seconds is up. And Iím going to ask our four talented panellists to speak if they can on the subject I will give them and of course they have to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And this week weíre going to begin the show with Tony Hawks. Tony, greens. Thatís the subject, can you talk about greens in Just A Minute starting now.

TONY HAWKS: A few weeks back I was told a very unsavoury joke by a small child on the subject of greens which I think perhaps I will share with you, although maybe I shouldnít. Itís whatís the difference between broccoli and bogeys? You canít get children to eat broccoli!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: Now this is most...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged, yes?

FRED MacAULAY: Repetition of the word broccoli.

CRIES OF ďOHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh yes! Those are the rules of Just A Minute, you canít repeat words, thatís why itís so difficult to keep going. But Fred, you challenged, itís a correct challenge. You get a point for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of greens and there are 41 seconds left starting now.

FM: There may be 41 seconds left Nicholas, but there are 18 famous greens here in St Andrewís and what a fine place it is!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

FM: Famous for...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Clement challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of famous.

NP: There was too much famous, and it is famous. Yes! And 32 seconds available for you Clement Freud, having gained a point for a correct challenge, to talk on greens starting now.

CF: I could have said cabbage, kale, spinach, peas, beans, broccoli, asparagus. But as we are in St Andrewís which is a great centre of golf, I thought I would talk about greens here and...

BUZZ

NP: Um Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, so we hear from everybody in the first round, isnít that exciting! Peter, 16 seconds are available, the subjectís with you, having gained a point for a correct challenge, greens starting now.

PJ: The Americans have gone to great trouble to try to persuade children to eat greens, mainly spinach. And they invented this character called Popeye and his androgynous girlfriend Olive Oyl...

BUZZ

NP: Oh Tony got in just before you got her name out.

TH: I just wanted to know how you were spelling that.

PJ: O-L-I-V-E O-I...

TH: No, no, an, an, androgynous.

NP: Androgynous.

PJ: I, thereís no obligation to spell it, is there?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Absolutely none! Three seconds are available for you Tony having got the subject back, greens starting now.

TH: Honestly what a family the Greens were! I wish theyíd never moved in next door!

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went and whoever does that in this game gains an extra point. So heís in the lead at the end of the round, everybody else is equal in second place. Peter Jones, the next round is a fence. Thatís the subject, would you take it please and start now.

PJ: A fence is like Fagin, a man who buys stolen property and sells it at a great profit. And if you see anybody doing this, I suggest that you try to stop them using whatever means you can. Sit on them if you like! Sitting on a fence is a kind...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: ...of citizenís arrest. And it is the best thing to do if you catch them at it. Er...

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement you challenged first, yes? Hesitation we interpret that as, 31 seconds, a fence starting now.

CF: At Aintree where the Grand National is run every year, there are a number of fences which have endearing names like the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth...

BUZZ

NP: Tony challenged.

TH: Well heís talking about lots of fences here rather than a fence.

NP: And I think Beechers came before the eighth or the ninth. So um in sequence I donít think it was actually correct. But um so Tony correct challenge, 13 seconds starting now.

TH: I donít know whether any of you are interested here in the audience tonight, but I have 300 video recorders back stage which I am trying to shift, which Peter Jones handed over to me earlier...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was again speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Fred MacAulay will you take the next round, the subject, friends. Tell us something about friends in Just A Minute starting now.

FM: Well it used to be that you could talk about friends and people assumed you were mentioning your amigos or your buddies or your close pals. But ever since the arrival on these shores of the Channel Four sitcom, you canít mention the word without people saying ďwho do you fancy most? Is it Monica or Rachel, maybe itís Phoebe the ditzy blonde one?Ē Then of course for people who are attracted to the male of the species, thereís Joey, the dim but handsome one, Chandler who I assume is everybodyís favourite. And of course the learn...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did say of course before um...

FM: Oh thatís all right.

NP: All right. Itís in the rules. Right, 30 seconds, Clement you have friends starting now.

CF: Nicholas Parsons recently had his 50th anniversary in show business. And a number of his friends turned up, actually, quite few. But they all appeared in Hello magazine some weeks after the occasion. And I remember seeing pictures of Mrs um Chairman...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: There was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation yes. Five seconds Fred on friends starting now.

FM: Well I count myself as a very lucky man because Iíve got friends like Tony Hawks whoís asked me on many an occasion...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement your turn to begin, the subject is porter. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

CF: A porter is someone who carries your bags, usually for money. And they are sometimes called porter. And they drink porter which is a sort of darkish beer quite often created by putting a red hot poker into ale and giving it a hue as well as a smell which is indicative of the action taken by brewers to create porter...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Iím surprised, heís quite wrong about them making something into porter. Putting a poker in it! Porter is brewed like beer! With malt and hops and so on! And itís rich and very nourishing.

CF: Have you tried putting a poker into it?

NP: Peter I would incline...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Your culinary knowledge convinces me that you deserve the point and the subject and there are 32 seconds Peter starting now.

PJ: If youíve ever seen that wonderful play The Barretts of Wimpole Street, you may remember a scene in which the father, Barrett, tries to persuade his daughter, Norma Shearer...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Two Barretts.

NP: There were two Barretts, Iím afraid, yes.

PJ: Yes there were, there were a lot of Barretts in er Wimpole Street.

NP: Yes thatís right. Porter is back with you, 21 seconds available Clement starting now.

CF: At London Airport they now have porters that carry messages stating...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Repetition of carry from the first time he was talking.

NP: Yes.

CF: Carrying I said the first time.

NP: Oh! (laughs) Oh! Iíll tell you what. As I, as I canít actually judge on this one, I now...

CF: Why canít you judge?

NP: ...give it to...

CF: Youíre the chairman!

NP: ... the superior wisdom of this audience at St Andrewís which I love to do. So I would like you to be the final judge, did he say carrying or carry before? If you agree with Tony Hawks you cheer for him, and if you disagree you boo for Clement Freud and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you for listening so well! Tony you have 15 seconds on porter starting now.

TH: If a porter isnít working hard enough on your behalf, you can always threaten him with a red hot poker! This always does the trick in my experience. They must be very miffed at the way at airports now they have these free trolleys...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: You canít just pick up a red hot poker!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You really have got a real thing about red hot pokers, havenít you Peter?

PJ: Well I havenít! I donít keep bringing them up! Other people are bringing them up all the time.

NP: So what youíre saying is deviation because you canít pick up a red hot poker?

PJ: Yes!

NP: Well...

PJ: And anyway itís very unkind and I donít think John...

NP: If...

PJ: I donít think John Major would approve of that sort of behaviour!

NP: If the handleís sufficiently er desensitised, you can pick it up. Why else do you think, if you work in a foundry they have some red hot pokers.

PJ: But you canít pick one up because itís not there! They donít have red hot pokers all over the place at Heathrow!

NP: If we canít use supposition or fantasy in Just A Minute I think weíve had it! So Peter I have to disagree with the challenge, give the benefit of the doubt...

PJ: You think you can find these pokers?

FM: I donít think it would just be the end of the poker that would be desensitised either, would it!

NP: Right Tony, benefit of the doubt, two seconds on porters starting now.

TH: Nyree Dawn Porter was in the Forsythe Saga...

WHISTLE

NP: Right! Tony Hawks has increased his lead at the end of that round. The others are almost equal together in second place. And now we have a very golf-type subject, a niblick. And Tony...

CRIES OF ďOHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís not erotic, I do assure you! Tony itís your turn to begin so will you tell us something about a niblick starting now.

TH: If you wander into the hallowed clubhouse in the Royal and ancient golf club here at St Andrewís, hanging on the wall there is a niblick. Ralph Niblick his name is, and he was hung there for not wearing a tie in the bar! It is of course, i jest, an old wooden club used mainly for getting out of bunkers. Herr Hitler...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís used for getting balls out of bunkers!

NP: (laughs) Oh I think itís a subtle challenge, we have to give you the benefit of the doubt. Clement, 30 seconds, a niblick starting now.

CF: A niblick was once called a blinkie, an anagram of niblick, because of the speed with which a ball was hit out of a blunker...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Tony?

TH: You canít hit a ball out of a blunker! A blunker has walls all round it!

NP: Yes it is a little bit devious from the, er, knowledge of golf that I possess. So back with you Tony niblick, 18 seconds starting now.

TH: Tony I have a trusty old niblick. I intend to use it tomorrow when I shall play golf with Fred MacAulay on the old course. I shall get it out on the fifth hole and beat him around the head with it! Because frankly theyíre useless clubs made of a substance which will not propel balls...

WHISTLE

NP: And you will see a few niblicks in the Royal and Ancient if you go and look there. Yes they did actually use them and they did get round the course with them. And Tony Hawks you kept going with the subject till the whistle went, gained your extra point and you have increased your lead at the end of the round. Peter Jones your turn to begin, a blue stocking. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Oh itís a phrase used to describe women, girls very often who er used to study to the exclusion of not much else. Now the one blue stocking of course doesnít make a pair. And er I suppose if one wore one blue stocking it would be someone who is sort of half interested in studying, I donít know. When I was a boy, about eight years old, I lived next door to a family who had a daughter of about my age. And once she called me into the sitting room there when her parents were out. And she revealed that she was interested in something called romance which I didnít actually know what she meant! I didnít er, havenít ever heard the word probably. Because my parents didnít get on all that well, and they didnít ever remove...

WHISTLE

NP: They were all agog! They want you to get to the nitty-gritty of that story!

PJ: Well I know!

NP: Anyway Peter...

PJ: Yes?

NP: A point for speaking as the whistle went, and other points in the round, youíre now in third place just behind Clement Freud but Tony Hawks is still our leader. Fred MacAulay itís your turn to begin, the subject is the old course which we mentioned earlier but tell us something about it in this game starting now.

FM: Yeah, Tony mentioned that we are going to be playing golf there tomorrow, which comes as a bit of surprise to me because I brought my basketball boots. But never mind, Iíll try to avoid him and his niblick as we walk down the fifth which as you know is one of the many holes there. Eighteen to be precise, thereís the Burn followed by the Dyke if I remember correctly. Cart Gate, then of course the curiously named Ginger Beer which came as a surprise and a shock to the large American golfer, John Daly, a recovering alcoholic, when he played there and won the Open Championship in 1995. Then there are sixth, seventh, eighth which have got curious names but none so... odd...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. Yes what is the challenge Clement?

CF: I thought there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation Clement. So tell us something about the old course, this famous, the most famous golf course in the world, and 20 seconds are still available starting now.

CF: One always wonders when the place was called the old course, because having been built it must have been the new course. And over the years, I suppose, people have said where are Fred and Tony going to play? And they say ďmmmm the old course I should think...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks youíre still in the lead. Clement Freud is in second place then Peter Jones then Fred MacAulay. And Clement your turn to begin, seventh heaven. Some find it on the old course. Some find it in St Andrewís. Where do you find it Clement, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Seventh heaven is pretty low down in heavens. I mean the first heaven has got three michelin stars, is absolutely brilliant. When you get to the seventh heaven, I doubt that there would be much more than buffet and a sweet trolley. I have no intention of going down as far the line as seven, so let us think where one would go beyond. Is there an eighth heaven, if there is I havenít heard of one. What would you get there and when does it become hell? These and many other questions I would like to leave to my colleagues in this game who only have to press their buttons in order to persuade me to stop...

NP: Peter, press yours!

CF: ...this...

BUZZ

NP: Tony you have a challenge, what is it?

TH: Well er, everything stopped! And I thought well...

NP: Which we interpret as hesitation...

TH: Yeah.

NP: Seventh heaven is with you, 12 seconds are available starting now.

TH: Presumably Peter Jones was in seventh heaven as as a young eight-year-old he was invited into his neighbourís house where romance began. What a marvellous opportunity for him to discover at this early age...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Tony Hawks again speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And has increased his lead and he also takes the next round. And the subject Tony is rectors, very apt for here. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.

TH: Any further educational establishment worth its salt should have a prestigious figure as its rector. Why then should a seat of learning like St Andrewís University...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: How do you spell prestigious?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Any other challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?

PJ: No, no, but he asked me to spell something!

NP: He asked you to spell androgynous which we canít, prestigious. So Peter they enjoyed the challenge, you got a round of applause for it...

PJ: Really?

NP: So we give you a bonus point for your remarks but Tony was interrupted so he gets a point for being interrupted and keeps the subject, rectors with you Tony starting now.

TH: Why then did should they choose Nicholas Parsons as theirs? What kind of drugs are they on here? And er as far as...

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: There was a bit of a stumble, Iím going to claim er hesitation.

NP: It doesnít matter what you said, you would have had it anyway.

FM: Yeah.

NP: Right, 38 seconds, Fred, rectors starting now.

FM: Iím wholly in agreement with Tony that learned places of education should have outstanding rectors. I was fortunate enough to be at Dundee University and the rector at that time was none other than Clement Floyd, Freud, oh...

BUZZ

FM: Iím in awe of being in his presence again and seem to have got away with that little fluff, I donít think anybody...

NP: You were challenged actually, you challenged, Clement, your challenge.

CF: Fluff!

NP: A fluff, yes. Deviation from the name as we understand it. So Clement a correct challenge, 24 seconds on rectors starting now.

CF: When I was selected rector of Dundee University, the secretary approached me and said ďwe are extremely pleased that it was you who was selectedĒ. And I said ďwhy?Ē And he replied that I was the only one who would fit into Peter Ustinovís gown! He had been my predecessor and had saved them purchasing new clothing for this high office...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud kept going until the whistle went, gained that extra point. Heís still in second place behind our leader Tony Hawks. And Fred MacAulayís turn to begin. Fred the subject is scrabble. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute please starting now.

FM: Well Iíve gone on record in the past as saying that the only decent thing you can mention about the Welsh language is if youíre playing scrabble and youíve got seven consonants youíre laughing! L-P-G-W-D-S-V is a word pronounced (makes noise like someone preparing to spit). It translates into English as ďforgive me, I have a viral infectionĒ. And itís worth about 37 points. And I donít think there is anybody more boring on Godís earth than these scrabble freaks who can tell you what the points value is of every word you utter to them. You know the types...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Iíve known golf players who are pretty close!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Repetition of points as well. Points.

FM: Points.

NP: So yeah, I like that, I like that, a bonus point to Peter for that particular round of applause and you, you are challenging on what? The repetition?

PJ: Ah well, conceit really!

NP: He did repeat points.

PJ: Yes he did.

NP: Yes thatís right, well done Peter! So you have a, you also have a point for um a correct challenge and 29 seconds for you on scrabble starting now.

PJ: Yes itís a pretty boring game in my opinion. But it can be played on aircraft when youíre not able really to play cards satisfactorily. And if you like crossword puzzles which I donít much, then you are probably very well into scrabble. The word of course can also be used to describe to scrabbling which is a kind of er...

BUZZ

NP: Fred challenged.

FM: Yes a hesitation there.

NP: A hesitation, a very strong er.

PJ: Yes it was, yes.

NP: More than one actually. Fred youíve got back in on scrabble with four seconds to go starting now.

FM: I always feel as though Iíve cheated a bit, if I use the blank square in scrabble...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of square.

NP: Yes you talked about squares before Iím afraid. And Clementís got in with only half a second to go on scrabble Clement starting now.

CF: Cubed!

WHISTLE

NP: So a lot of points were scored in that round but er as we approach the last round of the contest Tony Hawks is still in the lead, just two points ahead of Clement Freud, one point ahead of Peter Jones. Ah thatís Clement and a few points behind is Fred MacAulay. And Clement itís your turn to begin, trifles is the subject Clement, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: A trifle which the French call le trifle is a sort of pudding which can contain almost anything. Usually cake, alcohol, jam, custard, cream, hundreds and thousands...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well it canít contain almost anything, itís an exaggeration!

NP: You couldnít put a red hot poker into it!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, logically...

PJ: Even a shin of beef wouldnít go too well either!

NP: Youíre quite right, logically it could not contain anything. So a correct challenge to you, 44 seconds available to you to tell us something about trifles starting now.

PJ: But if you use as a base some sponge cakes and a lot of sherry, or some similar liqueur. And you add fruit that is available in the house, sometimes raspberry jam, that adds a lot to it. And a few split almonds, it can be a very nice dish, topped with thick whipped cream. Itís not exactly on a sort of diet, itís not, itís got a lot of cholesterol and ...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Well of course, itís not on a diet, itís a pudding!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Tony another point to you and 19 seconds to tell us something about trifle starting now.

TH: My step-grandmother used to make the most magnificent trifles. Sheíd bring them down in the morning because sheíd make them at night, God knows why! And sheíd say Tony look at what Iíve made you. Iíd say ďitís a trifleĒ. Sheíd say ďyes, nothing much gets past...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Fred MacAulay challenged.

FM: Repetition of the word say.

NP: Yes well done Fred, so on the last round like the first, weíre hearing from everybody. Isnít that nice. Seven seconds for trifle with you Fred MacAulay starting now.

FM: Trifles is worth 37...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: (laughs) Deviation.

NP: What?

CF: Trifles is!

FM: Well if youíd let me finish the sentence...

CF: No I donít like trifles is!

FM: Well, I, no, no...

NP: Justify yourself!

FM: Yes I was going to say trifles is worth 37 points on a scrabble board!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Fred you get a point for being interrupted and a point for your justification which the audience enjoyed.

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged again.

CF: Itís not worth 37 points!

NP: Well he didnít say that in Just A Minute, he was justifying it outside the competition.

CF: Ah!

TH: It depends where you put it as well, doesnít it?

FM: Thatís right, I was counting a triple letter score on the F! See Peter, this isnít as boring as golfers!

PJ: No, but it is touching on humbuggery!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Fred MacAulayís got a number of points and he has four seconds to continue starting now.

FM: I remember well my school days and the lunches we used to have in the...

WHISTLE

NP: So Fred MacAulay speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, gained a large number of points in that game. Heís only played the game three times before, so his contribution was marvellous!He came from lying nowhere actually and with that last flourish he leapt forward to be alongside Peter Jones and Clement Freud in second place. Just three points ahead was Tony Hawks so Tony with the most points we say youíre the winner this week! So it only remains for me to thank our four intrepid players of the game for their delightful and interesting contributions, Clement Freud, Tony Hawks, Peter Jones, and Fred MacAulay. We do thank this wonderful animated student audience here at this wonderful university of St Andrewís. Thank you for coming. Beside me I must thank Elaine Wigley for the way she kept the score and blew her whistle. We must thank Ian Messiter who created the game, Anne Jobson who produces and directs and we are deeply grateful to her. But from all of us here, to our listeners without whom we would not be at work, thank you for tuning in, be with us the next time we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Until then good-bye!

THEME MUSIC