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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 July 1997)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! THEME MUSIC NP: Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure not only to welcome our listeners but the four brave and intrepid exponents of Just A Minute who are going to play the game this week. We welcome back one of our regular players who has shown such skill and dexterity in the past that is Paul Merton. We welcome back somebody who has only played the game a few times but has played it with such skill that we’ve got him back again, that is Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And two people we cannot get rid of because they’ve played it with such talent over many many years, that is Peter Jones and Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! Beside me sits the lovely Elaine Wigley who’s going to help me keep the score and also the time and blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from Loughborough. It’s part of the Comedy Festival in Leicestershire. And I’m going to ask our four players as usual to speak on the subject I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And we’re going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud, and the subject Clement, very aptly, is Leicestershire. Sixty seconds as usual starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: Leicestershire is a pretty upmarket sort of county in that many of the towns and villages have double barrelled or hyphenated names like Ashby-dela-Zouch, Market Harborough, Milton Mowbray, and Kerby-Muxlow. There are also as many of you will know, as this is the Leicestershire Festival of Comedy, to which many of us come frequently, here in Loughborough... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: I don’t believe it! He doesn’t come frequently! NP: You’re right Peter, I think that’s deviation. I mean we haven’t been frequently, it’s the first time we’ve been here. PJ: Yes. NP: And I don’t think the festival’s been going more than a few years. So Peter, a correct challenge which means you get a point and you take over the subject of Leicestershire, there are 29 seconds left starting now. PJ: I spent a fortnight in Leicestershire many many years ago... BUZZ PJ: I’ve repeated that already! NP: Clement Freud challenged. PJ: What? NP: Many many years. PJ: I know. NP: Yes. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You’ve rapidly got it back Clement, a point to you, 24 seconds left starting now. CF: The Leicestershire Regiment is the 18th afoot. And in the county town of Leicester you will find both... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PAUL MERTON: We’ve had town before. NP: Yes that’s right. We did. CF: Towns or villages. NP: You’re quite right Clement, it was towns, he did put it in the plural the first time, yes. Yes yes. So Clement, an incorrect challenge, a point to you, 17 seconds available, Leicestershire starting now. CF: City plays football at Filbert Street. And cricket at Grace Road. Leicestershire... BUZZ NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged. KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: I’m afraid there was hesitation. NP: There was a hesitation yes. So nine seconds are available for you to tell us something about Leicestershire Kit starting now. KHH: Edward the Seventh, when Prince of Wales, wanted to come and live in Leicestershire but Queen Victoria forbade him because she said the morals were too lax and dissolute... CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE WHISTLE NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point, on this occasion it was Kit Hesketh-Harvey. So he has two points at the end of the round, Clement Freud has two points, Peter Jones has one and Paul Merton is yet to score. But Paul it is your turn to begin, the subject, going Dutch, 60 seconds as usual starting now. PM: I think it’s generally a very good idea if everybody pays their own way in life. That’s the way I look at things. If I was to go to a restaurant and I was to invite the first three rows here, and I said “come and have a crispy pancake with me, you cheeky little monkeys”, we would wander into this food hall and they would eat a great deal. And I would have to say to them at the end of this particular repast, “I’m sorry, I cannot pay for everybody, we will all have to pay... pay, pay... BUZZ NP: Your generous spirit was paying too much! Kit you’ve got in on going Dutch, 34 seconds are left starting now. KHH: It was in 1688 that... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: No it wasn’t! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE PM: It was in 1671! NP: Paul, I’ll be generous, give you a point, because they enjoyed the challenge. But he was interrupted, Kit was, so he has a point for being interrupted, he has 33 seconds to continue on going Dutch starting now. KHH: When William of Orange came over with his wife Mary. The aforementioned King was small, pock marked, malodorous, a dwarf and homosexual. But his wife adored him and... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE KHH: (laughs) ... promptly the entire... (laughs) BUZZ NP: (laughing) Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation. PJ: A long pause. NP: The description of this man and his wife adoring him! My God, I’d have paused after that! Ah Peter it was a correct challenge so you have the subject of going Dutch, 18 seconds are left starting now. PJ: Well as Paul said, it is roughly sharing the price of a meal. It’s normally associated with food. And of course it can be interpreted... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: He hasn’t said of course in this round. CF: Yes he did! NP: When? CF: He always says of course! NP: I know! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: But he hasn’t... CF: Totally safe challenge! PJ: It’s only the of courses that I say that he ever listens to! NP: No you didn’t say of course in this particular... PJ: No I agree with you! NP: I’m glad! Because you have another point for being interrupted and an incorrect challenge, nine seconds are still for you, going Dutch Peter starting now. PJ: Dutch treat means much the same thing. And when I was in Amsterdam somebody treated themselves to my credit card during the night and they had a ball all over the town... WHISTLE NP: Well the points that Peter Jones and Kit Hesketh-Harvey got in that round has put them equal in the lead together. And Peter it’s your turn to begin, the subject Waterloo. There are 60 seconds, Waterloo, with you Peter starting now. PJ: One of the great stations of London that serves most of southern England. And you can travel from Waterloo to Teddington in 15 minutes. Every 15 minutes if you want... BUZZ NP: Ohhhhh, Paul challenged. PM: Fifteen minutes. NP: Fifteen minutes. PJ: Yes. NP: Yes. PJ: Well they are very regular! APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Paul, correct challenge, a point, 48 seconds are left Waterloo starting now. PM: A very sad part of Waterloo round the back where they call Cardboard City where the homeless people live under their concrete arches. And you often feel sorry for them as they’re struggling... er... BUZZ NP: Peter challenged. PM: I suddenly thought I might make them feel sad! NP: Peter you got in first, hesitation, 37 seconds, Waterloo starting now. PJ: Before I was married, I used to go to Guildford twice a week from Waterloo... BUZZ NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged. KHH: Repetition. NP: Of what? KHH: He went twice a week! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: Can’t be right! NP: No! A bonus point to Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Peter gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, 33 seconds, Waterloo Peter starting now. PJ: After the marriage I stopped because it got too crowded, in the words of Princess Di. And these three people who were for a time er sort of mixed up together a bit and (laughs) BUZZ PJ: I can’t reveal this! NP: Clement Freud has challenged you when you got mixed up a bit. Yes Clement? CF: He got mixed up a bit. NP: Yes. Hesitation. PM: I can’t help but feel we were on the edge of some great personal revelation! PJ: You were! And you ruined it all! I was just leading up to it! NP: Clement, correct challenge, 19 seconds available Waterloo starting now. CF: The Battle of Waterloo which culminated in the campaign from Salamanca, Victoria, Toulouse, finishing of course in Waterloo, happened in the year 1815 or quarter past six in new money! And Napoleon... got the worst of it... BUZZ NP: Peter challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Just before he said Napoleon. One second, you got in with one second to go Peter on Waterloo starting now. PJ: When the grim reaper... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones got a number of points in that round. He has leapt forward and has taken the lead at the end of that round. Kit Hesketh... CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: You obviously have your own camp followers in Loughborough! PJ: Oh they’re not all camp! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Well they were clapping very vigourously there. Right, so Kit Hesketh-Harvey your turn to begin, the subject, a spring roll. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute if you can starting... they’ve obviously had a few spring rolls in the front here! Right, tell us about it, 60 seconds starting now. KHH: I have a little terrier which I take for walks, and he does nothing so much as a nice spring roll. Not for him the bottles of cologne which adorn my dressing-room table. He likes to go where pastures have been pre inhabited by goats or sheep or horses and to lie on his back, feel the sunshine on his back and wriggle around on it. We call it Max Clifford. And it can also mean, a spring roll, a little Chinese starter, one of the dreariest... BUZZ NP: Clement you challenged. CF: Repetition of little. NP: Yes there’s too many littles there, yes, a little Chinese starter. Right, I like that. A spring roll is with you Clement, 31 seconds starting now. CF: In spring a young man’s fancy likely involves a spring roll which probably has more monosodiumglutomate than any other dish you get in restaurants of the east. I like Number 24. I tend to go to these places and if you ask for a number, you are... BUZZ NP: Paul challenged. PM: Number. NP: Two numbers yes, Paul you’ve got in on a spring roll with 10 seconds left starting now. PM: I’m just trying to think what Peter Jones was doing in Guildford for twice a week! Which he had to stop after he got married! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. PM: Well, we don’t know! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM PJ, NP AND THE AUDIENCE NP: On the basis... PM: Let’s not judge the man too harshly! NP: You think he was having a spring roll, do you? PM: Yes, that’s what I was getting to! NP: But the point is, you see... KHH: What sort of spring roll? NP: ...within this sort of concept, let alone the rules of Just A Minute, if you don’t establish hat fact it is interpreted as deviation and I have to agree with Clement. And he’s got in with one second to go on a spring roll Clement starting now. CRIES OF “AWWWWW” FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: All right, I’ll tell you what. Give Paul a bonus point for his comment. CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: But Clement still gets a point for a correct challenge and one second on spring roll Clement starting now. CF: Spring chicken... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Ah Paul challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: Yes of course Paul, right. Half a second to go Paul starting now. PM: Perhaps... BUZZ WHISTLE NP: Clement challenged! I’ve got to be fair to him so I’ve been fair to you. You have got another a point so you’ve got a third of a second starting now. CF: If... WHISTLE NP: Yes! Right! So I try to be fair and even it out as you see. And at the end of that round, Peter Jones is still in the lead, Paul Merton has caught up, he’s only one point behind and then Clement Freud and Kit Hesketh-Harvey are equal in third place. And Clement it is your turn to begin and the subject is jack-in-the-box. Sixty seconds as usual starting now. CF: Jack-in-the-box or what the French call Jacques dans la boite um is something which I’m not sure how it came about. Possibly in boules or petanque where the jack is known as the cosh and when the game is over it is put back in the box which is properly known as jack in the box. One’s wife or games mistress would say “have you put the jack in the box?” and you would say “yes I certainly have” because I would be so unhappy losing it in case we wish to play on another occasion. Jack-in-the-box if you go to a toy shop is a strange sort of animal on a spring which comes out suddenly and frightens the horses or anyone else who happens to be there. Jack-in-the-box is also a flower, not a very well known one... BUZZ CF: ...but if you should go to Kew Gardens, there are also sorts of guides and cognoscenti who will say “that is a violet, a tulip and yonder, a jack-in-the-box...” BUZZ NP: Paul you challenged. PM: Is time standing still? NP: Yes! LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE NP: You spotted it! He’s gone for one minute and 10 seconds which deserves a round of applause in itself! Yes! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: The whistle should have gone about 10 seconds ago and if it had gone then, he would have been talking for the full minute without being interrupted which means he not only gets a point for speaking when the whistle went but he also gains that bonus point for not being interrupted because he was so successful. So two points to Clement Freud at the end of that round, and well done, it hasn’t happened for a time Clement. And Clement you move forward, you’re now equal with Peter Jones in the lead. And Paul it is your turn to begin and it is morris dancing. Oh tell us something about those little jingly bells, 60 seconds starting now. PM: Those are very little jingly bells they have for morris dancing. I’ve never really enjoyed it, that much, I must say. It looks a bit stupid to me. But I understand it’s a kind of fertility ritual. Although if you’re dancing around with bells on your head and on your feet... BUZZ NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged. KHH: Bells twice. NP: Yes. PM: Oh yes. PM: Jingly bells. PM: Yes. NP: Kit tell us something about morris dancing with 48 seconds left starting now. KHH: Ian Forster’s novel, Maurice, which was published in 1974, concerns the passion of the eponymous hero for Clive, his little friend from university. And a very dreary time they have of it. They talk about Plato a little, what they should have done is to go down to Heaven, under the arches of Charing Cross Station, and there put on a good Gloria Gaynor record or Abba, or even the Village People, and bopped around. And Clive would have seen Maurice dancing! BUZZ APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I think you got caught on your own erudition then. But Paul was the first to challenge, yes, 23 seconds Paul, morris dancing back with you starting now. PM: If I was a woman, I wouldn’t go near one of these men so I don’t know how it can be a fertility rite! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I thought he’d stopped! NP: He did! So we interpret that as hesitation, 17 seconds are available for you with morris dancing Clement starting now. CF: I believe that Maurice was originally Chevalier, the eponymous author of that appallingly... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes. PJ: All the time! NP: One hesitation is enough Peter! CF: You mean repetition of hesitation? PJ: Quite! Yes! NP: But you can’t have two points, only one Peter. Seven seconds available for you to tell us something about morris dancing starting now. PJ: Far be from me to criticise any branch of the entertainment industry, but I do feel that these people who prance about in tights... WHISTLE NP: Right. Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and he’s gone back in the lead, one ahead of Clement Freud and two ahead of Paul Merton and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. He’s going to begin the next round, westerns Kit. Tell us something about those in this game starting now. KHH: I’ve always been rather more of a thoroughly modern million man. But I do very much enjoy Marlene Dietrich in Destry Rides Again, where by the end of the film, she looks like, in the words of her own lyric, something that the boys in the back room have had! It is a film ruthlessly parodied by er Madeleine Kahn in Blazing Saddles in the character of Lily Von Shtomph I think, Or Shtum, which is Yiddish for something quite unrepeatable on Radio Four. BUZZ NP: Paul? PM: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation yes, you thought of what it was and then you hesitated. Paul you have 26 seconds for westerns starting now. PM: John Wayne, I suppose, is remembered as the most famous cowboy of them all. And indeed he made many westerns over a 40 year period. Perhaps the best director he worked with was somebody called Ford whose first name was similar to the other guy I have just mentioned so I can’t actually say what his er... oh! BUZZ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh! PM: In the end I was going to say first name! NP: Oh it’s a tough game! Right Kit you’ve got in with eight seconds on westerns starting now. KHH: They were a 1940s act, a precursor in fact to Kit And The Widow, the Western Brothers. They ended up very sadly selling cigarettes on Weighbridge Station... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round, Kit Hesketh-Harvey has taken the lead! KHH: Ah! CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: One ahead... of Paul Merton. Clement your turn to begin, the subject, things that go bump in the night. Can you talk on that subject in Just A Minute starting now. CF: Things that go bump in the night, or what the French would call... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: You started something here! This is really a case of being hoisted on your own petard isn’t it. So you got in first Paul and there are 52 seconds on things that go bump in the night starting now. PM: About three years ago I was asleep in bed one night. And I suddenly heard this thumping from underneath the floorboards. And you’ll never guess, it was my grandfather who we’d buried there in 1968, thinking he was dead. And we’d put him under the floorboards, floorboards, floorboards, floorboards... BUZZ NP: Kit... PM: I can’t do it today, this game! NP: No! There we are. Well you’ve just come over from Nottingham where you’ve been rehearsing one of your... PM: And I’ve still got jet lag! NP: Thirty-seven seconds available for you Kit because you challenged first, on things that go bump in the night starting now. KHH: Things that go bump in the night for me are generally the children getting up at 5.30 in the morning, along with a lot of small animals... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: It’s morning! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Things that go bump in the night Clement, 30 seconds starting now. CF: In my particular, my own case, things that go bump in the night are my heart... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: Yes. Yes Peter, 24 seconds for you on things that go bump in the night starting now. PJ: We had a very old fridge that used to go bump when it switched on, when it was activated by the temperature thing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: Ah, when it. NP: When it. When it was, when it was. Sorry Peter, repetition. PJ: Did I say that twice? NP: Yes you did. PJ: Really? Amazing! NP: When it was going on... PJ: I don’t really listen when I’m talking! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Ah but other people do. That’s right, things that go bump in the night, 17 seconds Clement starting now. CF: Quite especially do they go bump in the night when I have eaten spring rolls which are packed with monosodiumglutomate and often appear as number 24 on the song sheet or menu as they will call it from the far east. Things that go bump in the night... WHISTLE NP: At the end of that round Kit Hesketh-Harvey’s still in the lead but he’s now joined by Clement Freud. They’re equal but just a couple of points behind them are Paul Merton and Peter Jones. Paul, your turn to begin, surfing. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute if you can starting now. PM: Well first you must catch your wave. You go down to the beach with your surfboard under your arm, you put it down on the sea, you swim out as far as you think is reasonably safe, and then you wait for that great big surf to come towards you. It’s quite exhilarating to be at the top of that hundred foot ridge of water, looking down at the sea below you, tasting the fresh air... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones challenged. PJ: He has inevitably mentioned the sea twice. NP: Yes he has. PJ: He had to. NP: Right. So you do listen when other people talk? PJ: Oh yes! Sure! PM: Otherwise there wouldn’t be much point in playing the game at all! NP: Thirty-six seconds Peter for you to tell us something about surfing starting now. PJ: They do a lot of this in Australia. And I used to watch them on the beach at Sydney, it’s just marvellous! I never ventured into the ocean myself because I was frightened of being beaten, eaten... BUZZ NP: Clement you challenged first. CF: Yes. NP: Right, 23 seconds, surfing with you Clement starting now. CF: This is the manifestation of an amnesiac Monarch who says “arise Sir Thing”. Not remembering exactly the name of the person who is about to be elevated to this great rank which is so happy... BUZZ NP: Kit challenged. Kit yes? KHH: Hesitation. NP: I think so Kit yes. He started off on a wonderful spiel there and went down a dead end, I think. Seven seconds, surfing starting now. KHH: Few people know that Nicholas Parsons is great at surfing. Those who have seen him hanging 10, waiting for a re-entry in his little rubber wet suit... WHISTLE NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey, still in the lead. He got that extra point for speaking as the whistle went. He’s one ahead of Clement Freud and three or four ahead of Peter Jones and Paul merton. Peter your turn to begin, a white elephant. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PJ: I think it was a white elephant who was present at the wedding of two other elephants. The white one wore a parson’s collar and carried a prayer book and the bride wore a tutu. And it was pictured and put in the papers in New York, to advertise the circus there. And when Dorothy Parker saw the photograph, she said “I give it six months!” Now we’ve got a lot of white elephants at home. They’re mostly things that we want to get rid of, if we can. One of them is a spaghetti maker. Now if you have an enemy, give him one of these machines, because they are a terrible bore. They don’t make very nice pasta and they occupy a great deal of space. And I thought you ought... WHISTLE NP: Well Peter Jones started with the subject, kept going in spite of everything to the bitter end when the whistle went. Peter you’re still in third place but it’s terribly close as we move into the last round, alas. And Kit your turn to begin, the subject, traps. Will you tell us about that in Just A Minute starting now. KHH: I think there was seven of them, were there not? Gretel and Frederick and Kurt and Lisel and they lived in a beautiful schloss... BUZZ NP: Paul Merton challenged. PM: Five ands! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Yes, for those who write in, we occasionally let in one or two ands go, but five, no. Paul, correct challenge, 51 seconds, traps starting now. PM: If you go down to Wimbledon Stadium on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, you will see the greyhound racing and it is a fantastic night out. It doesn’t actually cost that much. If you put as little as 50p on as a bet, or a pound, if you like. I know some people, there was one man, he used to go down there, he used to play you know, this... BUZZ NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged. KHH: Two go downs I’m afraid. NP: He was going down, people were going down too much there. That was a trap, wasn’t it! Thirty-six seconds for you Kit, traps starting now. KHH: Well they lived in a beautiful schloss near Salzburg... BUZZ NP: Yeah Clement Freud challenged. CF: We’ve had a schloss before. NP: We’ve had... KHH: I’m sorry, I thought the buzzer came after the schloss. NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, another point, 33 seconds, traps starting now. CF: I think if there was greyhound racing in heaven, every single event would be won by Trap Two with Trap Four second. And I shall be on the forecast and become very rich. George Gardiner who has entrapped himself recently, a man, I must say who is not as nice as he looks, is in particular trouble with his constituency because they did sort of effect an entrapment from which it would be difficult for him to extricate himself without recourse to legal... BUZZ NP: Kit Hesketh-Harvey challenged. CF: I saw her put a whistle in her mouth! NP: You thought she was going to whistle before she did! Now, well, that’s Elaine’s blowing technique! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: They’ve definitely got a comedy audience here at this Leicester festival, haven’t we? Kit so you challenged with half a second to go... KHH: Hesitation there, was it? NP: Yes and it means that you’re probably going to win now whereas Clement and you would have had a draw otherwise. But anyway, what’s it matter? The points are not as important as the talent and the expertise that they display. Half a second, Kit, on traps starting now. KHH: High on the hill lives a lonely goat... WHISTLE NP: So it only remains for me to give you the final situation for those interested in the points and there’s quite a few people, I know, who are. But they all gained a lot of points in the round because their contributions were outstanding, I thought anyway. We enjoyed them all. Paul Merton for once finished in fourth place, just one point behind Peter Jones, and he was just um two points behind Clement Freud. But out in the lead is a chap who has played it least often but has done extremely well. Would you give a round of applause to Kit Hesketh-Harvey! It only remains for me to thank our four talented players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Peter Jones and Clement Freud. Also thank Elaine Wigley for so delightfully keeping the score, and blowing her whistle so elegantly. And also Anne Jobson who has directed the show for us, Ian Messiter for creating Just A Minute so we all keep in work and have such fun. And we hope you at the Leicester Comedy Festival have enjoyed it as much as we have in playing Just A Minute. Until then, from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC |
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