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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and MIRIAM KARLIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 6 October 1969)
NOTE: Miriam Karlin's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Miriam Karlin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed, hello, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And for this particular show, we welcome for the very first time to the show Miriam Karlin who’s joined these other three old campaigners at the game. They’re all going to try and speak on some unlikely subject that I will give them for just one minute if they can without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of these crimes they may press their buzzer. If I uphold their challenge, they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I don’t uphold their challenge, the person speaking will gain a point and continue speaking with the subject. With these simple rules and this is the way we score, um, let us start this particular show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you begin for us today, and here’s a good subject, where to draw the line. Will you talk for Just A Minute on that subject starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well obviously you draw the line at anything which outrages the established convention of the day. This is obviously something which everyone should observe. You don’t talk to your grandmother in the same way which you talk to your chum... BUZZ NP: And Miriam Karlin, you have challenged, why do you challenge? MIRIAM KARLIN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, Miriam, you have gained your first point in the show, so... KW: When? That’s absolutely described as elongating the vowels! NP: Kenneth Williams’s elongated vowels has gained Miriam a point. So she gains a point and she also takes over the subject, there are 42 seconds left Miriam, where to draw the line starting now. MK: If you are an, an artist... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Very meanly but it’s hesitation. NP: Yes, you see, we’ve got to play the game, haven’t we? MK: You’re so right! NP: Yes well all right Miriam, you’ll get your confidence in the game in a second. Don’t worry about them! Go in there and knock ‘em all three for six. So Derek Nimmo you take over the subject, 33 seconds for where to draw the line starting now. DN: Where to draw the line, it’s great fun really. I generally go down the Strand with a large pot of purple paint. And I go into the pot with my line marker, I get it out and I draw... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin you have challenged, why? MK: Ah because he was about to paint, not draw. Because you can’t draw really with a pot of paint. NP: No you paint a line, and don’t draw a line. DN: Very good! Very good! Very good! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: So as I agree Miriam with your challenge you’ve gained yourself another point, you have 37 seconds for where to draw the line starting now. MK: (sound of her taking a breath) BUZZ KW: (laughs hysterically) NP: Derek Nimmo... MK: You might as well challenge me, one doesn’t want the subject back! NP: Derek, she doesn’t want, she doesn’t... DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation Derek you have the subject, 36 seconds for the... away Derek starting now. DN: Sometimes it’s very difficult to draw lines, you know. Especially if one’s rather inebriated. I remember one bank holiday Tuesday, or was it Thursday, I can’t really remember... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CLEMENT FREUD: There’s no bank holiday Tuesday. NP: I quite agree. APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I quite agree, I had to hear you say it or else... DN: I had established I was inebriated. NP: Clever Derek, but you can’t get out of it that way. Clement Freud you take the, you gain a point, you take the subject, 17 seconds, starting now. CF: On the bathroom floor is the place where I’ve always chosen to draw the line. It means when Derek Nimmo comes to my house inebriated, he’s able to follow this and find exactly the convenience that he is looking for. Thanks to this foresight I have... WHISTLE NP: I must explain to thise who may not know the game awfully well that at the end of 60 seconds, a whistle is blown by Ian Messiter who’s sitting beside me and also thought of the game and whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. In this case it was Clement Freud who has now exactly equal number of points with Derek Nimmo and Miraim Karlin. And Kenneth Williams has yet to score. But there’s only one round gone. Miriam Karlin will you begin the second round, wearing funny hats. Will you talk on that subject please starting now. MK: Wearing funny hats is a strange preoccupation which seems to appeal to the wearer of strange hats or headgear, far more than the people who happen to be looking at them. Strange or amusing headgear usually comes into the category of paper hats which have “kiss me quick” on the front. Or the strange come shaped things which look as if ice cream should really be running down their faces. One has seen Clement Freud in a funny hat. Personally I don’t think that he himself is nearly as funny wearing the hat as when he’s actually giving a speech, being funny and amusing... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why? DN: Deviation, she’s talking about Clement Freud and not about hats now. CF: It was very boring! NP: (laughs) Derek Nimmo you’ve gained yourself a point, you have, er, 13 seconds for wearing funny hats starting now. DN: I love wearing funny hats, you know. It does give me tremendous pleasure. I often pass into thenearest milliner and I say to the lady behind the counter “please can I try on the purple velvet one at the back?” And she hands it to me, and I put it on and do you know, i look at myself in the mirror and I scream... WHISTLE NP: As Derek Nimmo was speaking then when the whistle went he has gained himself a bonus point. he now has twice as many as Miriam Karlin and Clement Freud. And Kenneth Williams has yet to score. But it’s only round two. Derek Nimmo, will you begin the third round, what goldfish think about. A little pause for thought on that one and Derek Nimmo will you begin now. DN: Goldfish are terribly unpredictable creatures. I have a pond in my garden where I have goldfish. And do you know I often wonder what they’re thinking about, and I have now discovered. I have discovered quite recently. It happened by a curious set of circumstances. Some people came to my house, amongst them was Freud. We went out into the garden, and they looked at him and they scuttled away under the nearest stone, disgorged several ant eggs and swum slowly around in three concentric circles. Now this is a very odd thing. It puzzled me a great deal. I thought about it tremendously through the night. I got up the next morning and I came to a certain conclusion. You know, goldfish perhaps... oh I don’t know what I’m talking about! BUZZ HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Clement Freud.... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why? CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, indeed yes. All that long time and we never got to what the subject on the card is, what goldfish think about! Clement Freud will you tell us what they think about, 16 and a half seconds left starting now. CF: Goldfish spend the majority of their time thinking about food and air bubbles. The reason for this is that without having these... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why? KW: Hesitation. NP: Yes indeed there was hesitation Kenneth. So you’ve gained your first point, you’ve also gained the aubject, there are eight seconds left, what goldfish think about starting now. KW: The answer very simply is that they don’t think at all. They simply work... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He’s supposed to be, the subject is what goldfish think about, not what they don’t think about. NP: If they don’t think, they don’t think at all, that means they think about nothing. And that is perfectly possible. So on this particular occasion Kenneth Williams has another point, he has four seconds left starting now. KW: They open their mouths and when the food goes in, it goes in by instinct! Not because they’ve thought about it at all! WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams absolutely leapt into the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. They’re both one point ahead of Clement Freud and Miriam Karlin. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, getting dressed on a public beach. You look suitably stunned but will you try and talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. KW: I’m always dressed on becahes, so the occasion has not occurred for me to dress. But if I had to dress on a public beach, I know exactly how I would do it. I would wear the shirt right until the last moment, keep the shirt on till the last moment... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo... KW: ...securing it round the thigh, round the thighs, I’d secure the shirt, round the thighs, you see... NP: You’ve been challenged! KW: What did he challenge for? DN: He’s getting undressed, not dressed! You’d keep your shirt on till the last moment... KW: Wasn’t it undressed? NP: No, getting dressed. KW: Getting dressed? NP: Yes! KW: Oh I see! NP: You do see that Kenneth gets very confused about whether he should be dressing or undressing. On this occasion Derek Nimmo has gained a point, he has 46 seconds left for getting dressed on a public beach starting now. DN: When I am getting dressed on a public beach, the first thing I will do is to erect a wigwam. On the top of the wigwam, I put my Union Jack. I then go inside the tent. I take off my... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: He’s erected a wigwam and gone inside his tent! NP: It’s a very modest way to get dressed on a public beach in a wigwam. Derek Nimmo we continue with you, you have another point and you have 37 seconds left for getting dressed on a public beach starting now. DN: I secure all the laces on the front of the thing that I got inside. I then... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Well he’s told us he erected it, so you can’t secure all the laces, it’s done! DN: I’m inside it now, darling! NP: He’s gone inside it. Why are you challenging Kenneth? KW: Well one minute it’s a tent and now it’s got to be laced. It sounds like a corset he’s in! NP: Kenneth you obviously haven’t done very much camping. KW: Oh yes! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Thirty-two seconds for the subject Derek Nimmo, starting now. DN: I look gently to make sure there are no peeping toms. And then gently too, I discard... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Ah repetition. NP: What of? CF: Gently. NP: Yes indeed... DN: Mister Chairman, he’s quite right, give him a point! NP: Oh my goodness! When you appeal to their instincts, what does it bring out! Isn’t it marvellous! Clement Freud, 27 seconds for getting dressed on a public beach starting now. CF: My method of getting dressed on a public beach is very similar to that which I adopt on any other piece of land. I put on my socks, followed by my shoes, thereafter my pants and my trousers. The shirt comes next... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, you couldn’t possibly pull your pants on over your shoes! Really! I mean your pants would be covered in the boot blacking, wouldn’t it! NP: The trouble is, you see Kenneth, I agree with you, Imean you wouldn’t and you shouldn’t. But obviously you must have some very strange points if you’re Clement Freud and this is what he does. So I mean it is not impossible. KW: No, he was nodding himself, he was nodding! NP: He was nodding off I think, actually! Anyway I have to give Clement Freud a point on that, there are 13 seconds left for the subject starting now. CF: I buckle my belt and put on my braces, and thereafter take off my braces and put on my shirt... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: He’s in the middle of getting undressed, isn’t he. He put his braces on and then he took them off again. That must feature as getting undressed... NP: That’s a very clever challenge... KW: Oh innit clever! Very clever! NP: I’ll put it to the audience. Do you agree with Derek Nimmo’s challenge... CF: Yes! NP: If you do will you please cheer, if you disagree will you please boo, and will you all please do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Derek Nimmo you have gained a point, you have six seconds left for the subject starting now. DN: I put on my socks and then I put on my shoes. Then I put on my Y-front pants... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin challenged, why? MK: Well he’s... NP: You had shoes and socks already over there, well done Miriam, you’ve gained a point... MK: Repetition! NP: There is one... MK: Adding to which, I haven’t said anything for hours! And I was getting very bored! NP: Exactly! I can’t give you a bonus point for that Miriam but you have got the subject with only one second left, getting dressed on a public beach starting now. MK: When I... WHISTLE NP: As Miriam was about to speak when the whistle went she gains an extra point. MK: Have I leapt into the lead? NP: You’ve leapt into a very commanding second place alongside Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams is trailing a little, Derek Nimmo is very definitely in the lead. Clement Freud begins the next round and the subject is the advantages of not being on the telephone. It’s a long subject, think about it for a second Clement and start now. CF: One of the principal advantages of not being on the telephone is that late at night it can’t suddenly ring and wake you. What happens is that people next door come in early in the morning and say “while you were asleep somebody telephoned you and here is the message. Would you go to the butcher’s shop and collect the parcel which was left there by the postman.” I think there are no other advantges to this complete... cutting... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why? DN: Deviation, he said there are no other advantages, so he’s stopped talking about the advantages. NP: Exactly yes, and also there was a hesitation. So Derek Nimmo you have the subject, 32 seconds left, the advantages of not being on the telephone starting now. DN: The advantages of not being on the telephone are many. One thing is to be, er, you... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation Clement, 26 seconds left starting now. CF: It also means that nobody can ring your children, which must be a tremendous advantage because I have a daughter who is constantly and permanenetly engaged speaking to friends who don’t want to speak to her either. I have a... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin you challenged. MK: Er... NP: Hesitation yes, Miriam you have a point... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: And there are 13 seconds left, the advantages of not being on the telephone starting now. MK: (takes breath) The advan... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation, I’m afraid Miriam, you... MK: Oh you’re so keen! KW: (laughs) MK: I’m your fe... NP: I’m afraid they’re very wicked in this game, they’re very wicked. Now get... MK: But you said... NP: Get your finger on that buzzer and get cracking, girl! Ready? Right Clement Freud, the, 12 seconds for the advantages of not being on the telephone starting now. CF: Every three months you don’t... BUZZ NP: And Miriam Karlin you challenged. Why? MK: Well you told me too! (laughs) LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: If I told you to Miriam, you must obviously have gained a point... MK: Yeah! NP: You have 10 and a half seconds left for the advnatges of not being on the telephone starting now. MK: It’s absolutely marvellous to not be woken up in the middle of the night by boring... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud you challenged, why? CF: Repetition, I’ve just said that. NP: Yes I’m afraid you did just say that. MK: You did, I didn’t! NP: I know but it’s been said in this round, so Um, I’m afraid in this situation Clement Freud gains another point, he has five seconds left for the subject starting now. CF: Every few months you do not get a telephone bill... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: He’s already mentioned months. He said er his friend’s daughter... KW: That’s true! That is true! You did say that! CF: You Judas! LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE KW: Well I’ve done nothing for ages! NP: So who do you nwant to have the point Kenneth Williams? KW: What? NP: Who do you think should have the point Kenneth Williams? KW: I don’t remember what was happening! NP: Oh! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: He jumps on to Derek nimmo’s side and now he’s intimidated by Clement Freud. KW: Well you’ve got to have rules, I mean, haven’t you? You’ve got tio abide by the rules! NP: Yes but you didn’t abide by anything with what you just said! KW: Oh! NP: All right, I’ll put it to the audience, I’ve forgotten what was said! LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE NP: No actually. Derek Nimmo challenged for months and months has been used a number of times before. Therefore in the context of the game I must fairly give it to Derek, another point to him... CF: You’re quite right! A good decision! NP: Four seconds left for Derek Nimmo starting now. DN: There’s a most tremendous advantage to not being on the telephone... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin why have you challenged? MK: Repetition, being loads of er... NP: The advantages of not being on the telephone... KW: That’s a good point! CF: Yes! Yes! NP: You have another point, you... MK: Thank you. Popular... NP: Yes, get yourself ready Miriam, two seconds left for the subject starting now. MK: One doesn’t have to go through the daft... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo has a lead of one. Miriam Karlin without any help from the chairman is in second place, just one point behind. Clement Freud is one point behind that and Kenneth Williams is only two points behind that, so it is a very keen contest as you see. Miriam Karlin will you begin the next round please, dietting. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now. MK: Some of us are fat and others are like Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams, quite... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams, why... KW: Hesitation! NP: Yes you needn’t say it with such vehemence though! We do agree, I’d say it more apologetically so early in the show. KW: I’m sorry but there’s got to be rules! You can’t lark about! You must abide by the rules! NP: Kenneth Williams you have 52 seconds for talking about dietting starting... MK: I’ll get my own back on you! Right! NP: Fifty-two seconds Kenneth starting now. KW: There is a great fallacy about this word because everyone assumes that if you abide by this diet thing,you will lose weight. It is of course a load of rubbish! The only way you lose weight is of course to starve. Go without food. And indeed the old fakirs of the east all recommended starvation. It is in all creeds that you should at some point or another give up the food, give up the material comforts! Go out into the desert in fact! Get away from all the material things! Get away from your central heating! BUZZ KW: Get away from your fitted carpet! Get away from your upholstery! BUZZ KW: What’s the matter with him! He’s got hysterical here! NP: You... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE KW: He’s pressing this buzzer like there’s no tomorrow! NP: I know! He’s trying to challenge you Kenneth! KW: What on? NP: I don’t know, let’s find out! Clement Freud why have you challenged? CF: Sitting next to get away people! It’s repetition! NP: Yes there was a lot of repetition, yes. You were out in that desert doing goodness knows what Kenneth! So Clement Freud has the subject, 20 seconds left starting now. CF: One of the great feats of dietting is the health resorts whicb are becoming ever more popular in this country. For 28 pounds a week or more, you may go... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, it’s advertising! NP: Kenneth, Kenneth, if he had mentioned the name of the place, he would have been advertising. So to try and be fair I don’t think I can er uphold your challenge. CF: I think that‘s a very good decision, Mr Chairman! NP: As it’s your point, I know you would agree Clement so... MK: It was also very untrue because it costs a lot more than 28 pounds a week. NP: Well that’s got nothing to do with the game Miriam, but thanks for airing your expert knowledge. There are 12 seconds left for dietting Clement Freud starting now. CF: You arrive at these dietting centres and the first thing they do is give you... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why... KW: Repetition, we’ve all had dietting. NP: We’ve had rather a lot of dietting so Kenneth you take over the subject now, nine seconds left starting now. KW: I was told once that if you eat nothing but bananas and dry biscuits, it would really get you somewhere! They said just the dry biscuits... BUZZ KW: ...so I ate 17 crackers! Hahahahahahahaha! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh Kenneth... KW: That was good wasn’t it! NP: Yes it was a very good attempt and actually, sort of, stop biscuit challenging you. KW: That’s right! Yes! NP: Very well but Clement Freud, you challenged. CF: Rpetition, dry biscuits. NP: Dry biscuits, yes, Clement Freud, two seconds left for dietting starting now. CF: Hot water tinged with lemon... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin you challenged. MK: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation Miriam, you have the subject, one second left for dietting starting now. BUZZ MK: The... WHISTLE NP: No, Derek Nimmo challenged first. Derek Nimmo, you... DN: Hesitation. NP: No, there was no hesitation. Miriam Karlin has another point, there’s half a second left for you Miriam, dietting starting now. MK: I discovered the... WHISTLE NP: I don’t know what Miriam Karlin was going to say that she discovered. Might have been... MK: The answer to dietting! NP: Oh I thought she was going to say she discovered to play the game, because you have leapt into the lead. MK: Oh! NP: Miriam you have a one point lead over Clement Freud who’s one point ahead of Derek Nimmo, who’s two or three points ahead of Kenneth Williams, you’re still definitely in fourth place Kenneth. KW: No! NP: Yes! KW: Are you sure? NP: Sit down! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I must explain to the listeners that Kenneth was so overcome with disbelief, he had to rush from his seat, rush over to me and look at the points for scoring which Ian Messiter has in front of him which we go by. KW: Really! NP: Kenneth you are going to start the next round, the subject is complaining about neighbours starting now. KW: You complain about neighbours because, with reason, you have had your rest say unjustifiably disturbed. And the worst way of doing this is when people play things through the walls. You know, they do it sometimes with the piano, or sometimes with a radio. Sometimes with a guitar, I’ve actually heard people practising the guitar through the wall. I’ve had... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo you... KW: ...my ear against the wall and heard their guitar! NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged you on... DN: Repetition of guitar. NP: Yes we’ve had a lot of guitars coming through Kenneth’s wall. KW: No I said qatar! They practised these qatars! NP: Your guitar or qatar has gained Derek a point and he has 29 seconds for complaining about neighbours starting now. DN: I think it’s terribly difficult to know where to draw the line when you’re complaining about neighbours. I think one thing that you complain about is if they’re wearing funny hats or if their goldfish is swimming around... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin why do you challenge? MK: Deviation, he’s discussing two other subjects which were discussed earlier on, drawing the line and um whatever it was! Wearing funny hats! NP: So what do you challenge on? MK: Deviation! NP: No, no, because what, he brought these in as phrases in his description about complaining about neighbours. He wasn’t actually on that subject, therefore he gets... MK: Well repetition then. NP: No, no, no, no, don’t try again, no, no, Derek Nimmo has another point, he has 22 seconds left, complaining about neighbours starting now. DN: One of the disadvantages of not being on the telephone is that you can’t complain if you see them getting dressed on a beach... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: Of what? CF: We’ve already had the telephone. DN: No, that was the advantages, this is one of the disadvantages. NP: So Derek Nimmo has another point and he has 17 seconds left for complaining about neighbours starting now. DN: I generally go and knock on the door when I’m complaining about these fellows. I say “whatho there beyond, will you please desist from the dreadful noise that you’re making..” BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged? KW: Deviation, you don’t call somebody “beyond”. “Whatho there beyond!” Who’s called Beyond? I’ve never once gone up to a bloke, and said hello Beyond! NP: It’s a clever challenge, I think the only fair way to do is that I will give you a point for cleverness... KW: Thank you ever so much! NP: But leave the subject with Derek Nimmo... KW: Oh! NP: ...to continue with, with seven seconds left for, eight seconds I’m sorry, complaining aout the neighbours starting now. DN: And when they answer me I say ‘do you realise..” BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin why do you challenge? MK: Um, slight hesitation. KW: Yes that’s true! Oh yes! NP: A slight hesitation Miriam, you have the subject, there are six seconds left for complaining about neighbours starting now. MK: When my neighbours decide to light... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged? DN: Hesitation. NP: Hesitation... MK: Oh no! NP: There are four seconds left, complaining about neighbours starting now. DN: I don’t like to do this, but would you please stop... BUZZ NP: Miriam Karlin why did you challenge? MK: Just because he didn’t like to do it! LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE MK: If he didn’t like to do it, then we didn’t like to do it! NP: You mean that if he didn’t like to do it, it was very devious to come down here and try it. MK: Yes! NP: Exactly Miriam! MK: Very devious! NP: So Miriam you have the subject with one second left for compleining about neighbours starting now. MK: People who light bonfires on a ... WHISTLE NP: Well the final result I think in the circumstances was very fair. Miriam came behind with a great rush at the end. Clement Freud was in there right till the end in spite of his generosity towards Kenneth Williams. But Derek Nimmo by his cleverness and ingenuity, by one point, was this week’s winner! KW: Hooray! Good old Derek! Hurrah! Bravo! NP: The generous hurrahs and well dones came from Kenneth Williams because he was in fourth place just behind Miriam and Clement Freud who were both equal! That’s all we have time for, from all of us here good-bye, good-bye. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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