JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,GJones
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and GERALDINE JONES, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 October 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Geraldine Jones in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello, welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again these four clever exponents of the game are going to try and do battle in this verbal battle of wits, and try and speak for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them, and they will try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way at all. And if theyíre successful in this they will gain points. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of these crimes they may challenge by pressing a buzzer in front of them. And if I uphold their challenge, they will gain a point and take over the subject. If I donít uphold their challenge, the person speaking gains a point and keeps the subject. This is the way we score, this is the way we play the game. Geraldine Jones, preventing long telephone conversations. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

GERALDINE JONES: It would be far too simple to say on this highly sophisticated programme, that the best way of preventing long...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I think this is one of the most unhighly sophisticated programmes Iíve...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well Clement...

CF: I think itís true to a degree.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Youíre a disgrace to say unhighly. Iíve never heard such bad English in my life!

NP: And youíre...

KW: And youíve got the nerve to pick up a lady! Thatís not very gallant! A lady sitting there trying to do her best! And you cut in on her like that! Itís awful, isnít it!

CF: I take it back.

KW: Itís a disgrace!

CF: I withdraw!

NP: Kenneth Williams...

CF: I withdraw!

NP: And I think Kenneth Williams has proved how unsophisticated it is! It is only fair thing to do Iím sure, because I think it was a clever challenge is to give Clement Freud a point for that, and leave the subject with Geraldine Jones who continues for another 55 seconds on preventing long telephone conversations starting now.

GJ: Preventing long conversations is by putting the telephone receiver down very smartly, as soon as youíve heard that the person you are speaking to is not someone that you want to go on talking to. But on the other hand, if you want to be a little more sophisticated than the thing to do is to say ďha! My house is on fire!Ē And run away from the telephone immediately. Or on the other hand to say Iím just...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Weíve had two other hands.

GJ: I have two!

NP: Youíre not going to get any points for that Clement. All we do is to give Geraldine Jones a point and continue with the subject for the next 36 seconds starting now.

GJ: Or you can purposefully mistake the name of the person you are speaking to. So if itís John, you talk to him as Brian throughout the conversation. And if they...

BUZZ

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of conversation.

NP: Derek Nimmo, repetition of conversation. Yes Derek Nimmo, 27 seconds left for you on the subject starting now.

DN: Of course quite obviously the best way to prevent long telephone conversations is to have a short wire. All you have to do is to have a telephone here and one sitting down on the floor underneath and you can chat quite comfortably without any length of the thing being involved at all. I donít know anybody who er ah ooohhh!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, you have another point, you have eight seconds left for the subject starting now.

DN: It wasnít hesitation, I was floundering!

CF: Ideally you do it from a telephone box with insufficient money to protract anything that anyone might say. For instance if it costs one shilling to...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Clement Freud was speaking as the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up, he gains a bonus point. At the end of that first round that gives a very definite lead over all the others. Clement Freud would you begin the next round and on this point, Iím sure you can talk very easily. Why I am so popular, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: If you combine false logic with faulty thinking, you do have a random chance of arriving... at the correct answer...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Regrettably, hesitation.

NP: Yes, he just couldnít think why he was so popular! So Derek Nimmo has the subject and there are 51 seconds left, why Iím so popular Derek starting now.

DN: Why I am so popular is really because I pay tremendous attention to bodily hygiene. I do think itís terribly important you know. Every morning I get into my bath and I scrub my feet very well and very thoroughly. I make sure my toenails are beautifully clean and polished and rounded. I then get out of my bath having cleaned the rest of the bath. I do like it nice all over. And I cover myself with talcum powder. To my dressing room I go, select a pair of lily white underpants, put them on. A lovely chemise, a bow tie...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this is all about personal hygiene and sartorial elegance, itís nothing to do with why Iím popular!

NP: It might be the reason...

DN: Why I am popular.

NP: He has decided that that is the reason heís popular...

DN: There canít be any other reason!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh theyíre on his side! Mmmmm!

NP: So Derek Nimmoís sartorial elegance and hygiene is keeping him going with another point and 23 seconds left on why Iím so popular starting now.

D: Then I get my comb, I brush through my golden locks, put...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: He hasnít got golden locks!

NP: No, I donít think so either!

CF: No!

DN: I brush through them before I dye them!

NP: Oh!

DN: The next bitís coming up...

CF: That is really...

NP: That is really getting out of it...

DN: Youíre so impatient!

NP: No, no, no, we couldnít wait for you to dye your hair on this particular programme. But this time, you couldnít get out of it that way Derek, Clement Freud has another point, he has 19 seconds left for why I am so popular starting now.

CF: I think itís purely kindness of spirit and beauty of mind...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, heís desperately unpopular!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Oh yes! Oh big cheers!

NP: We have no knowledge that you are popular for the reasons that you gave us Derek. So weíre going to have to accept Clement Freudís reasons and he continues for another 15 seconds, why I am so popular starting now.

CF: When I left the studio yesterday and went to my car, somebody had very kindly written on the windscreen, ďwe love Clement FreudĒ. They had actually misspelt both the first name and the second. But it was a kind thought, and I was delighted and realised finally...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud rather late in that round finding a reason why he was so unpopular has given himself an even bigger lead over the other through... other through? The other three who are almost equal in second place. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, what they may find on Mars. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well of course it all depends really on which Ma you select. I remember going to see old Ma Edison who lived in Burnley. And at first they found very little trace of living life upon her! And after a thorough investigation by both the biologists and the naturalists did find some proof that there was life on this particular Ma. They did find other things. She wore clogs and lyle stockings, long cammieknickers, unlimited...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Hesitation.

DN: I was waiting for...

NP: No! No, no, he was going very well! No!

KW: Yes! I was liking the bit about the knickers!

NP: I liked the bit about the lyle stockings and the clogs!

KW: Yes! I was getting all worked up over here!

NP: All right, very sexy I think. Lyle stockings with clogs! Or very devious, they could have challenged on that, couldnít they. All right, 25 seconds left for you Derek Nimmo, youíve got another point, what they may find on Mars starting now.

DN: Unlike investigations into Ma Rosky who lives in Huddersfield. There they found several craters and lots of curious canals but no trace at all of any sea that resembles Tranquility. They did find upon her a large furry hat with a feather on top, with a little pom-pom in the middle. It was a great shock to everybody...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition.

NP: What of?

CF: Pom-pom.

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Ian Messiter you thought of the game. Who do I award the points to, and why?

IAN MESSITER: I think you should give this to the audience.

NP: Iíll give it to the audience. Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, if you agree with Clement Freudís challenge, will you please cheer. If you disagree with his challenge, will you please boo and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I decide the hurrays have it, Clement Freud has a point for his pom-pom, six seconds left with Clement Freud to continue, what they may find on Mars starting now.

CF: A wealth of mineral and deposit such as geologists wouldnít like and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: A hesitation between would and like.

NP: I donít think there was any hesitation at all.

KW: Yes there was. Quite definitely.

NP: No! No I donít think so, so Clement Freud has another point and there are two seconds left starting now.

CF: And signs of human life such as...

WHISTLE

NP: I think Kenneth Williams was trying a little Clement Freud, his trick then, trying to get in just before the whistle went. But I donít think he succeeded and so Clement Freud has got a very commanding lead at the end of the round over all the others who are all very close in second place. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, keeping oneís temper. Can you talk about that subject starting now.

KW: This is the mark of course of a civilised man. This is what really being learned, being well brought up is about. Keeping oneís temper. Not allowing the passions to overrule one. Not allowing oneself to suddenly ďshout your great mouth!Ē And things like that. Because this is not going to introduce harmony, it is not going to bring about (laughs)...

BUZZ

KW: Whoís challenged?

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: What basis?

NP: What basis Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: You think you hesitated Kenneth?

KW: Well I mean, I leave it to you. Youíre the chairman, youíre the best person to judge.

NP: Yes but you giggled. Actually you did er hesitate. Itís only because Clement is so far in the lead, and youíre so far behind...

KW: Well youíve got to have the rules. Youíve got to have the rules.

NP: Youíre quite right. Youíre very sporting, very sporting Kenneth. So Clement Freud has another point and he has 33 seconds left for keeping oneís temper starting now.

CF: In this sort of game it is absolutely essential to resolve oneís equanimity. And I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: I just donít understand, deviation. How can you resolve your equanimity? What does it mean? What does it mean? (screeching) What does it mean?

NP: All right! Explain to him Clement.

CF: I said reserve, or I meant to say reserve.

NP: Yeah you said resolve so Clement, Kenneth Williams has another point...

CF: Quite!

NP: ...and he has 29 seconds left for keeping oneís temper starting now.

KW: The best way to do this is to count very slowly, one to whatever word suits you, when you feel this terrible urge mounting inside! When you feel your gaaaaaall...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Iíve not the slightest idea! Iím so sorry! When he said gaaaaaall I thought he was going to stop at the end but he didnít.

NP: So Kenneth Williams...

DN: Give him a point!

NP: Iím not going to give it to him, heís won it fair and square! So Kenneth you have another point and you have 16, 17 seconds left for keeping oneís temper starting now.

KW: And then conjure up a vision of beauty and loveliness. Something which was a lesson, say of morality to all mankind. And then with that floating through your head you will find that your lips will give forth some sweetness, some strange poetry, people will lean before you...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kennethís strange poetry has not helped him to leap into the lead. But heís still in second place alongside Geraldine Jones and Derek Nimmo who are still all far behind Clement Freud. Geraldine Jones your turn to begin the next round, useless occupation. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

GJ: Long ago I came to the conclusion that all occupations that involved any sort of effort at all were totally useless. The more active we become, the more useless the end involved. People who teach are really doing something very useless. What is the purpose of their work? To teach other people to be equally useless later in life. People who serve in shops, they sell stuff so that we can buy it, so that we can eat it, so that we have to go back and buy more. Perhaps the most notorious of these is that of politicians, all these people who live in their little houses and make their little speeches...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Repetition of little, little houses, little people.

NP: Little houses, yes all right. Clement you have er 23 seconds left for useless occupations starting now.

CF: One of the most useless occupations, and I shall come to others by and by, is the refurbishing of finger stalls which a friend of mine called Horace Whitmore does in Scunthorpe and Lincolnshire...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: By and by. So itís repetition because he said pom-pom.

CF: Thatís a few minutes ago!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well if you have a, a, uphold the challenge of pom-poms and repetition of little because that is slightly trivial, then I must award by and by. So Kenneth Williams you have another point, you have 11 seconds for useless occupations starting now.

KW: Well I feel I can add very little to what Geraldine Jones has said so eloquently. And indeed politicians are totally useless...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why do you challenge?

DN: Well heís not talking about it. If he canít add anything to it, heís not talking about the subject, is he? So itís deviation.

NP: He is talking about the subject because Geraldine Jones was talking about useless occupations.

DN: I feel I can add nothing to it, he said. His very words!

NP: But he was going on to say that he was on Geraldine Jonesís subject, useless occupations. Kenneth Williams you have another point, you have four seconds left starting now.

KW: How many times have we heard these clichťs pouring out of their lips? We shall go forward together! How many times have we heard that!

WHISTLE

KW: Thank you!

NP: Well Clement Freudís still in the lead but ah Kenneth Williams is now definitely in second place ahead of the other two. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, queuing up at the post office. Sixty seconds on that subject if you can starting now.

CF: I have absolutely no idea what one does in the post office. I suppose you send your secretary and you say ďyou will go to this place and stand behind a lot of other people if they are in your way...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was. He hesitated about queuing up at the post office. Derek Nimmo you carry on with 46 seconds for queuing up at the post office starting now.

DN: Generally I choose the one at Trafalgar Square because I awfully like the mural on the wall. In the door I go and when I get firmly inside I join the queue. And itís awfully jolly you know, youíll be surprised at the people you meet. You talk to the fellow next to you. You say ďwhy are you queuing here?Ē ďIím here for a three penny stamp.Ē ďOh really,Ē I say, ďthatís rather out of date now.Ē Because we havenít met, I say ďIím (unintelligible).Ē He says ďdo you really?Ē I say ďyes, you do, you do...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones you have challenged.

GJ: Repetition.

NP: Repetition yes. I must say to the listeners that he was acting so well to the audience, thatís why he got carried away and said I do, I do. Twenty-five seconds for you Geraldine Jones to continue with queuing up at the post office starting now.

GJ: Queuing up at the post office is really more a sport than a chore. Because you can jump queues. You start in one,a and then when you see that the next one is working much more efficiently than the one youíre in, you move to it. And then you see that the next one, and so it goes on, until you find that youíve done a wonderful sort of hurdle race all round the post office. Until at the end...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition alas, of post office.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was too many references to the post office. Quite right weíve had it many times mentioned. Derek you have another point, you have 13 seconds left starting now.

DN: So the next but one fellow said ďIím here to buy a postal orderĒ. I said ďwhy?Ē ďOh I want to send one off for my little (unintelligible).Ē I said ďthatís terribly interesting, who is your...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well at the end of that round Derek Nimmo, Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams are now all equal in second place but definitely quite a way behind Clement Freud. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, itís quite a simple one, curling, now.

KW: The best way to do this is, after washing your hair, to apply a decent sort of setting lotion. A lot of this stuff is quite fluid, but the results are enormously rewarding. Iíve just kicked in a few waves, and the curls afterwards have been ravishing! People have stopped me and said ďwhat lovely curls youíve got!Ē And indeed when I was younger I had them right the way down to me... well, I tell you, I could sit on them! I could sit on them! And...

BUZZ

KW: Oh!

NP: Derek Nimmo...

KW: Oh what a fool I was!

NP: Yes! You challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of sit on them.

NP: Yes, yes. His situpon gave him away and do he, you, Derek Nimmo, have a point and you have 23 seconds left starting now.

DN: Itís a game, you see. You have large things that you chuck across the ice with great abandon and you score a point. Itís played very often in Scotland and northern Canada. Because a lot of Scottish folk, you know, emigrated to northern Canada some...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, weíre not discussing immigration.

NP: No weíre not.

KW: No!

NP: So Kenneth you have another point and you have 14 seconds left for curling starting now.

KW: Curling can also be done by a process of heating. You actually blow your hot air on to the lock and form the pattern...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Deviation, I canít imagine Kenneth Williams blowing hot air on to his own locks.

NP: I think Kenneth Williams blows a lot of hot air all the time. But you have another point Kenneth and you have five seconds left starting now.

KW: And the blowing of the hot air so forms...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Blowing unfortunately.

NP: Yes yes we had the blowing of hot air again. So there are three seconds left for you Derek Nimmo to take up curling starting now.

DN: Well I wind it round my finger like so, you see, and when I take my feet...

WHISTLE

NP: Well we are still in this situation with Derek Nimmo, Geraldine Jones and Kenneth Williams almost equal in third, in second place together, and in a very commanding lead still Clement Freud. Geraldine will you begin the next round, the subject is why I like men and you start now.

GJ: It could be terribly invidious on this programme to say why I like men. It would be impossible of course to play the game if I didnít, because Iím sitting here surrounded by men. But I suppose really the main reason...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed there was a hesitation. So you have the subject and there are 49 seconds left Clement Freud for you to try and tell us...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And listeners I should explain that that laughter from the audience was caused by the fact that Kenneth Williams is sitting back in obvious pleasure at the thought that his friend who has sparred with him, shall I say, throughout the series, as he listens to Clement Freud telling us for 49 seconds if he can why I like men Clement starting now.

CF: Basically because of their lovely hair. When you get...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: When you get a man of quality sitting close to you who has blown red hair over his upper half, there is nothing more beautiful or attractive than the sheer sight of such a person close to you. But I also like men for their intelligence as well as their sheer beauty. I know for instance Derek Nimmo who has knowledge unparalleled among people on the stage, and a devoutness of thought, a decency of religion, and a heart...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: An anticipatory hesitation.

KW: Anticipatory?

DN: I was enjoying that, go on!

NP: Your anticipatory buzz on your buzzer Geraldine has given Clement another point and there are 14 seconds left for him to continue with why I like men starting now.

DN: Because of their extreme youth!

CF: They also have very pretty feet, among which like I would like to join the name of Mr Nimmo, but...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well regretfully, repetition of Nimmo!

NP: Yes! I thought you would have said not regretfully but otherwise. But anyway Derek some say we canít have too much of Nimmo, but in this game we can, so there are six seconds for you to continue with why I like men starting now.

DN: I like men particularly like the Leader of the Wop, Opposition...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones you have challenged.

GJ: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, the Leader of the Woppa poppa Sition has won Geraldine another a point and she has three seconds left with the subject back in her lap, why I like men.

GJ: The main reason obviously is because Iím a woman and this is the best...

WHISTLE

KW: Bravo Geraldine!

NP: The situation at the end of that round is exactly the same. Clement Freud still has a very definite lead over the other three who are almost equal in second place. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject is my relations. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My relations consist of a mother father syndrome which is so popular in Russian novels. But extending to brothers and cousins, to aunts and uncles. And to other relations which i donít at this moment want to mention but which I will talk about in a moment.

BUZZ

CF: Or not as the case may be!

NP: Or you donít want to perhaps. Derek Nimmo you challenged.

DN: Hesitation. The moment was gone!

NP: Yes! Yes and he donít need to go on with his other relations. So we press on with you Derek, 37 seconds left for my relations starting now.

DN: Well first of all, I have a mummy. I used to have a daddy. I have a sister Valerie, an aunt Beatrice, a cousin, a girl cousin actually...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes he had to overemphasise his cousin. So Clement Freud has the subject back and there are 27 seconds left for my relations starting now.

CF: Abigail Numthorpe is one that Iíve often called Aunty although sheís actually not a blood relative...

BUZZ

NP: Geraldine Jones why have you challenged?

GJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

GJ: Well you see heís not talking about blood relatives.

NP: No, if sheís not a blood relative, sheís not a relation.

GJ: Precisely.

NP: All right Geraldine, you have the subject...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams you challenged, why?

KW: Oh I beg your pardon, Iíve no right to challenge your judgement of course. I was going, I was going to say you can be related to somebody by law and it seems to me...

NP: Youíre absolutely right! So I have to put it to the audience. Kenneth Williams has pointed out that there is a way of interpreting that remark, so Iíll let the audience be the judge. If you think that Geraldine Jones is right, if you agree, will you please cheer. If you disagree will you please boo. And will you all do it now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well Iím afraid, undoubted, the audience entirely agree with Geraldine. So Geraldine has a point, she has 17 seconds left for my relations starting now.

GJ: Close relations you can normally cope with because you know who they are. You visit your auntie and uncle and sisters and brothers at Christmas and at birthday time. Itís the ones...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, itís completely untrue that she visits her uncle or her auntie at Christmas time!

NP: Weíve only got her word for it. How do...

KW: I can tell you this, I can give you information after the show about it!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Theyíve been crying out for her to visit them! Theyíve said so, she wonít go near them! How sheís got the cool nerve to sit there and talk about that...

NP: Now Kenneth, if you can give us proof her and now...

KW: Oh well I canít do it now! No!

NP: Geraldine has another point and she has 10 seconds left...

KW: She has another point! Oh!

NP: My relations, Geraldine starting now.

GJ: Itís the ones that you donít know about that are the worrying things. You visit Coventry and you have no idea that anybody there knows you. And suddenly somebody jumps up in the street and says ďhello!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well that Iím afraid is all we have time for in this particular game of Just A Minute. And at the end of that game Kenneth Williams was in fourth place, only just, one point behind Geraldine Jones, only just, one point behind Derek Nimmo, who was definitely a long way behind this weekís winner, Clement Freud! Thank you, on behalf of our winner, very much for that applause. We hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute and from us all here, good-bye and thank you for listening.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.