JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 29 December 1976)



THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Alfred Marks and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard from our announcer, we welcome back as our guest, the fourth player, Alfred Marks, who always gives our three regulars Kenneth Williams, and Peter Jones and Clement Freud such a good run for their money. So Iím going to ask them as usual to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from that subject. And weíll see how they go and they will get their points according to how well they do. And we begin the show with Peter Jones. Peter the subject is the moon. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: Oh! The moon shines bright!

BUZZ

NP: And somebody has buzzed...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation.

PJ: Rubbish! Absolute rubbish!

KW: Hesitation! I distinctly detected it! Did you hear that Nicholas?

NP: Yes I did...

PJ: How can I have possibly hesitated at that point in the game?

NP: Well it is very difficult I must say. And heís shied off in a very keen way...

KW: I distinctly detected a hesitation...

PJ: It wasnít a hesitation!

KW: ... I know what I mean! Iíve got antennae reaching out and feeling these things!

PJ: Well youíre er, you have an unfair advantage over the rest of us!

KW: Whatís your judgement Nicholas?

NP: My judgement is that it was a hesitation.

KW: Thank you very much.

PJ: I see! Thatís the kind of game weíre going to play, eh?

KW: You shut your row! Yes!

NP: Thatís extremely unfair!

KW: Right! Row! I tell you I could tell you a few things that would make your hair curl!

PJ: Not only have I got him, Iíve got a hostile audience as well!

NP: Yes! Um Kenneth you ahve a point for a correct challenge. You take over the subject of the moon and you start now.

KW: You have the moonís phases you see. And these affect people at certain points. And they go "ooooh lovely" as it appears like a crescent, a great blooming crescent, and they all go...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Two crescents.

NP: Yes there were two crescents there so...

KW: What a shame!

NP: Clement you have the subject and there are 50, no 49 seconds left, the moon, starting now.

CF: The Moon that I know is a very happy and wellknown public house on the outskirts of Leamington Spa. What you do is you take the Stratford Road known as the B5096 and when you get to an establishment called Who Would Have Thought It, another...

BUZZ

NP: Er Kenneth, Kenneth Williams.

KW: An establishment called Who Would Have Thought It! I donít believe any establishment exists called Who Would Have Thought It. And so I say deviation, and I should take the subject over! Thatís what I say!

NP: Well I donít know if thereís an establishment called Who Would Have Thought It. Iíll tell you what weíll do. weíll put it to the wisdom of the audience. If you think thereís an establishment called Who Would Have Thought It, then you cheer for Clement Freud. And if you think there isnít such an establishment near Leamington Spa mind you, then you boo for Kenneth Williams. And you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS

NP: Theyíve obviously all been to Who Would Have Thought It near Leamington Spa.

ALFRED MARKS: May I just say that thatís a fact. Itís right opposite I Donít Believe It!

NP: Thank you! That acid comment encapsulates the whole idea of Clement Freudís devious thoughts. But he has a point because the audience decided he was correct. And there are 31 seconds for the moon Clement starting now.

CF: The game they always play in The Moon is they ask the people in that place whether or not they believe in Nicholas Parsons, and to boo if they do. And they always cheer because no-one can imagine that such a human being actually exists.

BUZZ

CF: Thatís all Iíve going to say.

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes and after those remarks no wonder he dried up!

PJ: Right.

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge. I am here in person. And I do exist! And um...

AM: But are you human?

NP: At least I think I do, donít you? Anyway there are 13 seconds left Peter, you take over the subject of the moon starting now.

PJ: Oh the moon shines bright on Mrs Porter and on her daughter,

They wash their feet in soda water.

Now these immortal words by TS Eliot werenít the first to be inspired by that great orb in the sky. Because...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was speaking when the whistle went which tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever speaks at that moment gains an extra point. Peter Jones is now equal with Clement Freud at the end of the round. Kenneth Williams weíd like you to begin the next round. And the subject suitably enough...

PJ: Itís his round is it? Right!

KW: Sit down! Nicholas keep order! Make him sit down!

NP: Heís sat down, itís all right! I just want to explain to our listeners that Peter Jones decided as it was Kenneth Williamsí round he should now take off his jacket and get down to business! Kenneth has his off! I have mine off! We slowly strip throughout the programme! Um Kenneth the subject very aptly is excitement. Something which I know you can engender! But can you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: I am literally throbbing with it! And on the rollercoaster, the blood pulsing through the veins in the very ambit of excitement! I canít tell you how worked up I get in something like the Wall of Death say. Or seeing someone parachute enormous altitudes and flit slowly down to earth. Or float in a wondrous balloon over the Liwa Valley. and see all that spread out below you like some vast cosmological expanse, such as would get you really going with your sandbags and your drinkettes coz you would have the fags and the champagne up there...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well itís not really a challenge. Must he speak so loud? Heís waking me up! Keep it down a bit please!

NP: Alfred your time will come and...

AM: Yes. I canít live on promises!

NP: But he wasnít... Sorry, that was an incorrect challenge, but he still gets a point for that...

AM: Of course he does! Of course he does!

NP: And he keeps on with the subject with 19 seconds to go Kenneth on excitement starting now.

KW: And then there is the excitement of a first night. Who can possibly tell you about the chemical ingredients that go towards making the kind of electricity that happens in an auditorium before the curtain rises on this extraordinary production? Nobody has any ability to prognosticate if that be your proclivity as to what exactly...

WHISTLE

NP: Well I suppose if you get Kenneth keyed up enough nobody can really stop him going! And he kept going again until the whistle went, gained an extra point for speaking and has taken the lead at the end of the round. Ah Alfred Marks would you begin the next round. The subject is my certificate. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: I am the proud possessor of many certificates. I have one from the Boy Scouts and the Lads Brigade. And most of all the one I really boast about is the one I received for the swimming the one length one width of the Orgate Baths. And why didnít anybody press the buzzer? Iíll tell you why because they donít believe it! I have this certificate up on my wall. But actually I have swum further than that. When I was six months old off the sea at Southend my father who was progressive threw me in! The difficulty was getting out of the sand! However since that time I have held other certificates. For example I went out for a School Cert but that wasnít...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of school.

AM: School. Yes. I went to two schools, you see. Infants and... The whole point is of course Peter Jones is the loser because he missed a very good joke by buzzing at the wrong time you see...

NP: Yes...

AM: Iím not going to tell you now. So sucks boo to you, Peter Jones!

NP: There are 24 seconds left for Peter, you have my certificate starting now.

PJ: Well I have two certificates and the second one is for a small amount of credit. And I suppose itís a tossup to know which is the more valuable of the two...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No...

KW: Yes! Before the word valuable he hesitated...

PJ: Yeah I did I did yes.

NP: But it wasnít a real hesitation...

KW: No I detected it! Iíve got an antennae coming out here, out of my head, I can tell you!

NP: Well put your antennae away!

KW: Oh!

NP: It is not, not serving you well! There are 13 seconds left for my certificate, Peter, starting now.

PJ: I suppose if we all collected the various certificates that have been issued to us since the time we were born when each of us got a birth certificate...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Our parents got the birth certificate.

KW: Brilliant! Brilliant!

NP: Yes I think thatís a very good challenge.

CF: I really wanted to hear Alfredís joke.

NP: Well letís hear from you with four seconds to go on my certificate starting now.

CF: License to drive vehicles under sections A, B and C...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement got in before the whistle, got an extra point. But Peter Jones is now in the lead. Ah Alfred, do you want to tell us your joke or not?

AM: No.

KW: No he goes of fit donít you?

AM: I will for two points!

KW: He goes off things you see! Heís like the pot boiling!

NP: Two points! Heís got it all worked out! He says heíll tell the joke for two points. Clement... No Iím not going to give it...

PJ: Two pints I think he meant! Heíll tell us after the show!

NP: Clement Freud itís your turn to begin. The subject is appearing in public and we want you to talk on it if you can for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: I must say appearing in public is very much easier than disappearing in public which many of us have had to do under the most frightful circumstances. Basically the nicest method of achieving this phenomenon is to part the curtains and simply put your left foot before your right foot...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Two feet.

NP: Yes there was two feet. Yes and Alfred...

CF: I am not a monoped I would have you know!

NP: He repeated foot and there are 42 seconds left Alfred. Itís your... continue... not continue... take over the subject of appearing in public starting now.

CF: Tell your joke!

AM: Appearing... no!

BUZZ

AM: You see! That wasnít fair was it!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: That is like, that is like talking to a man just before heís going to take a snooker shot! Did you see that! Just as I was about to speak!

NP: Yes! Iím just going to ask him his challenge. What was your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

AM: Boo!

NP: All that happens is you get penalised for disgraceful oneupsmanship and er I disagree so you have a point for that...

AM: Rubbish of course!

NP: Well the whole thing is really! Forty seconds for appearing in public with you Alfred starting now.

AM: I have the good fortune to do many appearances in public because I have a reputation both as a raconteur and a wreck on tour as well. I have been seen on stage, films and television and on sound radio which as a public in front of me. Most of all I prefer public appearances in the sense of opening shops. Iíve closed so many theatres itís such a pleasure to do the opposite! And one is always greeted first of all by a posse of policemen mounted and otherwise. The public is standing there acclaiming you shouting and screaming...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of public.

NP: Yes in public yes.

AM: Yes.

NP: Itís on the card. Appearing in public!

PJ: Oh I see! Youíre not. Youíre not allowed to do that!

AM: No. Yes. You are yes.

NP: Shut up Alfred!

AM: Well I know this game backwards! Youíre allowed to say...

PJ: No, thatís not the way we are playing it!

NP: There are 10 seconds Alfred. Itís a wrong challenge so you still have the subject, appearing in public, starting now.

AM: When I appear in public they scream and shout. I never leave the stage. I stay...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of stage.

NP: Yes you did mention the word stage...

AM: Did I?

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes. I see, thank you.

NP: There are six seconds for you Peter appearing in public starting now.

PJ: Sometimes Iím overwhelmed by the waves of affection and warmth that flow over...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks challenged.

AM: Thatís obvious deviation! They hate the sight of him! And may I say by his own admittance! He said this was a hostile audience!

PJ: Yes but now Iíve won them over you see!

NP: Well you do see that you donít have to be long in Just A Minute before you find the mťtier of the game and how they all play it. Alfred an absolutely wrong challenge and Peter Jones keeps the subject...

AM: Do you love him? No seriously! Never mind about that! Do you love him?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Itís a wrong challenge Nicholas!

NP: Do you love Alfred Marks?

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That was a bit quieter! What about Clement Freud?

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth Williams?

LOUDER CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: Oh teachers pet!

NP: Nicholas Parsons?

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You canít win can you?

CF: We didnít do too badly!

NP: No you didnít! There are one and a half seconds Peter for appearing in public starting now.

PJ: After all theyíre only just a number of individuals!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones is forging ahead. Once again he had the subject as the whistle went and has gained some more points and has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Peter Jones itís your turn to begin. The subject is pubs. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Yes, I donít go to pubs very often but last time I went with a few friends, I asked then what theyíd like to have to drink and then I gave the order...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: That is the most devious of remarks. I have been in the pub many times with Peter and the others will agree, he has never ever said "what will you have?" Never ever! Never!

NP: Well all I can say Alfred is he may not have said it to you but he has said it to me!

AM: Has he?

NP: Yes!

AM: Oh well, youíre luckier than I am!

NP: Anyway he wasnít strictly speaking deviating from the subject of pubs. So there are 52 seconds for you to continue with it Peter starting now.

PJ: Having passed the order to the barman I handed him a pound. Then he looked at me as if Iíd crawled from under a stone! And Iíd forgotten you se that the drinks are actually so much more expensive from the time that I'd been in the pub before.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of drinks.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Oh yes.

NP: You did mention drinks before.

PJ: Well itís always a welcome thing to happen.

NP: Forty seconds are left for pubs, itís with you now Clement Freud starting now.

CF: The vast majority of pubs that are not called The Moon are known as the Who Would Have Thought It especially around Leamington Spa and places west. But the Kings Head, the Queens Arm, the Three Tons are pretty popular appellations for these licensed establishments. Iíve always thought that the one body of people who should not be allowed to own a pub are brewers. Itís always seemed to me that if you produce something then the world at large should be allowed to judge whether or not it is drinkable. And to have manufacturers of the juice of hop, Iím not allowed I suppose...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got some points in that round, including one as the whistle went and so he is creeping up on our leader Peter Jones. Alfred Marks is a little way behind in third place and one point behind him is Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth...

AM: Aw!

NP: Aw!

AM: Miracle of miracles!

NP: Kenneth itís your turn to begin. And the subject is Fellici Ozini. Kenneth (starts to speak Italian)

KW: (Replies in Italian)

NP: That is the subject, can you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Well in case I am interrupted I shall begin with the end. he plotted the assasination of Louis Napoleon the Third. He was in the carriage, this latter named gentleman with the Empress Eugenie. The bomb went off! But the Emperor and the lady afore mentioned survived though 10 people were killed. And 158 at least wounded. Now I will discuss the rest. He was born in Italy. And was the son of a patrician nobleman. And soon initiated himself into the arts of subterfuge and cabal-like intrigue. We must remember at the time that Italy was dominated largely by the Austro-Hungarian empire on the one hand and the French on the other. Plus the competition from the Sicilan Kingdom of the House of Savoy. All attempting desperately to conquer the afore mentioned territory.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: The second afore mentioned.

NP: Yes! What a pity! There were only four seconds! He told us so much of interest about old Fellici! But Clement has a correct challenge and there are four seconds left on Fellici Ozini starting now.

CF: I used to think that Fellici Ozini was one of the best restaurants...

WHISTLE

NP: For the sake of our listeners the laughter that went on during those four seconds as Clement was endeavouring to speak was Kenneth making ugly, rude and vulgar faces at him, because he was so disappointed...

KW: Nobody believes that! Theyíll know Iím incapable of such dreadful behaviour!

NP: And this audience will give you away! Did he do it or not?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They love every vulgar face you make! Alfred itís your turn to begin again and the subject is the rudest letter I ever had. Would you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Dear Mr Marks, started the rudest letter I ever had. And strange enough it was apropos of this very show. Not necessarily this performance but a previous one at which Mr Williams saw fit to berate me. I sat there very quietly while he went on at terrible lengths to dress me down! The person who wrote to me said "how can you, an intelligent articulate suave sexy hamdsome man, sit in that studio and allow this upstart to berate you so". And I thought that this was absolutely right! He was very kind and said some wonderful things about me, about Mr Jones. Clement Freud was not on that particular programme. He said other things about Derek Nimmo. And I was very thrilled to think that I was singled out for this praise. Now I have received other rude letters in my time. I received one from a little boy who said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of received.

NP: Yes yes you did receive rather a lot.

AM: Well I get a lot of fan mail you see.

NP: Clement there are 13 and a half seconds left, the rudest letter I ever had, starting now.

CF: Itís very difficult because Iíve only had loving and kind correspondence. No-one has ever picked up a pen in anger in any...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: I thought that was a hesitation!

NP: It definitely was! He was thinking about all those rude letters heíd never had! And we couldnít believe it! So he paused! And there are four seconds for the rudest letter I ever had Alfred starting now.

AM: Could you please send me a singed photo said this little boy...

WHISTLE

KW: No, no, no, no! You misinterpreted it! He didnít mean singed! He meant signed!

AM: No, indeed! I took a photograph, this is a true... this is while I was at the Palladium I did this! And the little boy wrote to me on school paper, please send photo, could you please send me a singed photo. So I got a picture and I burnt it round the edge and said "Iím sorry but it got signed on the way!" Thatís true! How many points for that?

NP: Um...

AM: I didnít repeat myself!

NP: That applause should be enough to please you.

AM: I canít live by applause alone, a man cannot live by applause alone.

PJ: Otherwise you would have starved to death!

AM: My word!

NP: Clement Freud has taken the lead, one ahead of Peter Jones. But Peter itís your turn to begin and the subject is the eating habits of the kiwi. So um I donít know if you know anything about it. But can you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well I think they eat grubs and snails and juicy little things like that they find under stones. I did observe one once when I was in Australia. I know they actually are natives of New Zealand. But in a zoo just outside Melbourne theyíd got several of these long billed birds which walked about. I donít think they ever take to the air...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Theyíre very short billing. Kiwi.

NP: Oh! No heís being clever! Heís talking about long billing, billing in the sense of...

CF: Went pretty well! I wish I hadnít said it!

NP: Yes the audience picked it up immediately! Just like that! I think I was the only one who got it because Ian Messiter nudged me and said "oh no theyíve got short bills".

CF: Forget it, forget it, give him four points.

NP: No, no, no, no, I think everybody should try in this game. Sometimes we are trying but there we are. Peter it was an incorrect challenge and you have another point. Iíve been told itís the last round, youíre now only one behind Clement Freud and the subject is the eating habits of the kiwi starting now.

PJ: Of course lots of New Zealanders who are over here...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of New Zealand.

NP: No he said New Zealand before and this time he said New Zealanders. So thatís an incorrect challenge and the eating habits of the kiwi with 37 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And those are much the same as our own. They get up in the morning and they have a fairly normal breakfast. Coffee, tea, grapefruit perhaps, toast, marmalade...

BUZZ

NP: And Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Well I think itís a deviation because previously we were told they ate grubs, snails and puppydogs tails...

PJ: That was the birds! That was the birds!

NP: So ah an incorrect challenge alas Alfred and there are 26 seconds left for the eating habits of the kiwi Peter starting now.

PJ: And then for lunch they come in from Earls Court into the west end and since the rate of exchange is no longer...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. Weíre now on the Earls Court and the rate of exchange, itís nothing to do with what kiwis eat.

NP: Yes he established the kiwis, the New Zealanders who live over here, a lot of them live in Earls Court. And having had...

AM: A lot of them donít, as well!

PJ: Well Iím going to mention them in a minute!

KW: Nobody in this audience, nobody in this audience believes for a minute that kiwis refers to people!

PJ: Of course it does! Of course they do!

KW: Do you believe it refers to people? No! Of course they donít!

NP: Now listen....

KW: I know what Iím talking about! Nobody says that! They say Australians, they say New Zealanders! They donít say kiwis!

NP: They do....

KW: Rubbish!

NP: ... say kiwis...

KW: What a load of old rubbish! Isnít it?

SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I am not going to be intimidated...

PJ: And since when has that stopped being allowed on this programme?

KW: Whatís that? Whatís that you say?

PJ: Rubbish!

KW: Iíve come all the way from Great Bournemouth Street! And I get treated like a load of rubbish!

NP: Iím not...

KW: I havenít got a word in in the last few minutes have I?

NP: Kenneth...

KW: You see how Iíve been treated!

NP: Weíre going to get on with the game now...

KW: Youíre nothing but a bully you are!

NP: I try to be fair and act within the...

KW: Fair? Fair? Hah!

NP: Peter Jones you still have the subject, you have 19 seconds on the eating habits of the kiwi starting now.

PJ: So they canít afford quite as much as they used to do. So they donít spend such large amounts on their meals. But for lunch they might have some...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Weíve had lunch.

NP: Yes...

PJ: No we havenít! We never got to lunch and all these people at Earls Court have missed an entire meal!

NP: Clement was accurate on his challenge for repetition of lunch. Kenneth Williams is shaking all over the place. Alfred Marks is trying to intimidate Peter Jones. Clement Freud is looking composed as usual. Ian Messiterís got his whistle down the back of his throat! And there are 11 seconds left for the eating habits of the kiwi Clement starting now.

CF: Their rugby football team, that of the New Zealanders, is called the Kiwis, and they eat lemons and oranges at halftime...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: The rugby team of New Zealand is called the All Blacks, not the Kiwis.

NP: The cricketers are usually referred to as the Kiwis.

AM: But the rugby team...

NP: Oh yes youíre quite right yes. You did say the rugby team. Well done! Yes! Well they might be nicknamed, they were, yes the All Blacks, a very good challenge Alfred yes!

CF: Oh great!

NP: Well an excellent challenge. But only three seconds left for the eating habits of the kiwi Alfred starting now.

AM: The eating habits of the kiwi...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Shut up! Two and a half seconds for the eating habits of the kiwi Alfred with you starting now.

AM: The eating habits of the kiwi are revolting! They donít...

WHISTLE

NP: I have to give you the final score. Alfred Marks was taking his bows too early then. He hasnít won I'm afraid. He is our guest, no, he is our guest, heís done very well. Let me give you the final running order, the final running order, the final result. Kenneth Williams did finish in fourth place but he did very well. He gave us a lot of value. Alfred Marks coming out of the blue, you know, out of the blue, anyway and restraining himself as usual, gave tremendous value but did finish in third place just a little way behind Clement Freud who was in second place but one time was in the lead. But Peter Jones with the eating habits of the kiwi managed to overtake Clement and finish up our winner. So will you now congratulate Peter Jones. We hope that you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute as much as weíve enjoyed playing it for you and youíll want to tune in again. Until then from all of us here tonight goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.