JAM:PMerton,DNimmo,CFreud,JClary
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and JULIAN CLARY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 June 1998)

NOTE: Linda Cobley's first appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute! Yes!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you. Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons and as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world to this delightful game. And Iím also delighted to say that this is the first in a brand new series of Just A Minute. And itís also my pleasure to welcome back four outstanding players of the game. From the world of comedy, we have the delightful outrageous Paul Merton, the charmingly witty Julian Clary. And from the world of theatre, the irrepressibly witty exuberant Derek Nimmo. And from the world of journalism, politics and culinary matters, the multi-facetted Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them. as usual Iím going to ask them to speak if they can on a subject that I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Linda Cobley, whoís going to help me keep the score and blow her whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the magnificent Theatre Royal, a beautiful theatre right in the centre of the city of Bath. And before us we have a very excited, hyped up, Bath audience. And the first subject is Bath Oliver. Isnít that delightful? Paul Merton, will you take this subject, Bath Oliver. You have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Many of you might be fans of the Laurel and Hardy films. I was reading something rather interesting about these movies the other day. You have these bits towards the end of each motion picture, where Oliver Hardy looks into th er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Too Hardy.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes there were two Hardies so that is repetition. So Clement, sorry love, itís Derek.

DN: Derek.

NP: Thatís right, yes.

PM: Have you not been introduced?

NP: Derek you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course, you take over the subject. There are 47 seconds left and it is Bath Oliver starting now.

DN: Well these are these wonderful biscuits that were invented by Doctor Oliver that are supposed to cure your liver. And when the poor old fellow who was a physician snuffed it, he left the recipe to his coachman, Mister Atkins. And he nipped along to a handily adjacent man who could make these bits of confectionery and made an absolute packet out of it. I also think of Bath Oliver because of the pub in Broad Street called Oliver, which I go to a great deal, because they make a very mean margarita. Third cointreau, similar amount of tequila and some lime juice. And I bunged it down my throat at Bath Oliverís. I do think it is a particularly welcoming hostelry in the city of such splendour...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Bath is not a city, itís a town.

CRIES OF ďOHHHHHHHĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Can I just say there hasnít been a reaction in a theatre like that since Abraham Lincoln last attended!

NP: Is that why that box is empty over there?

PM: I think so! Itís a tribute to him!

NP: Right! Clement you have four seconds, having got a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, Bath Oliver starting now.

CF: Bath Oliver like Liverpool Nimmo is a confection which I would...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Clement Freud so youíll be pleased to discover heís in the lead at the end of that round. Derek would you take the next subject, itís called manners. Iím sure something you know a great deal about it. Would you talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Manners is the family name of the Dukes of Rutland, who live at Belvoir Castle in the fair country of Rutlandshire. Manners is something also you try to teach to your children. I have had a son whoís married to a very pretty girl called Marina. Her parents live in Bath, her surname is Flood. And I tried to teach him manners when he was little which was frightfully difficult. Because I noticed one day he was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, and I said ďthat is disgusting, why donít you use... something else?í He said ďno because...Ē

BUZZ

DN: What?

NP: Paul you challenged, what was it?

PM: Iíve forgotten, to be honest!

NP: I will tell you it was hesitation.

PM: It was hesitation, was it? Oh.

NP: Correct challenge of hesitation. And the subject is manners and there are 31 seconds left starting now.

PM: Lady Chatterley was looking for a new chauffeur and she decided to employ the first man that came to visit her that morning. In fact his name was Mellors which was unfortunate because there was a Stan Manners outside who would equally have dome the job very well Iím sure. But for the fact that he hadnít got there on time. She was a scrupulously difficult employer was the woman I mentioned earlier, because she used to insist that she would have a bath with her friend Oliver every morning about half past 11. And of course this put an enormous strain on the...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. So heís now equal in the lead with Clement Freud. Julian Clary, your turn to begin, rank outsiders. Ah that is the subject, can you talk on it for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

JULIAN CLARY: Certainly can. Um, an outsider ah...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged you.

JC: Ah a hesitation?

CF: Boo! Boo!

DN: The answer was he couldnít, but ah...

NP: Derek, Julian has only played the game twice before and you have been playing it for years...

DN: First time in England too!

NP: And so Iím not going to allow that one, and say Julian you were interrupted, it was the first time back after a two-year absence from the show. So you have a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, there are 58 seconds to go, rank outsiders starting now.

JC: A rank outsider is an outsider with a personal hygiene problem! I think to be an outsider is bad enough but to be a rank outsider must be terrible. The good thing about being a rank outsider is it gives you the opportunity to come from behind! Which er...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

JC: ...in my experience is not to be sniffed at, if you follow my drift. I used to play a lot of rugby when I was at school and I was a rank outsider because I never got anywhere near the ball at all. On one occasion the ball just landed in my...

BUZZ

NP: Derek has challenged, yes?

JC: Ball.

DN: Well I hate to say it, but two balls!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And strangely enough, you canít have two balls in Just A Minute because that becomes repetition. Twenty-six seconds are available Derek, rank outsiders with you starting now.

DN: I was given a horse called Dig Up St Edmonds which I was told was a rank outsider by a distinguished member of this panel. In fact the gee-gee came into...

BUZZ

DN: Oh gee-gee.

NP: Clement Freud... yes Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes thatís right. The audience even got it before you pressed your buzzer. Fifteen seconds for you Clement with another point of course, rank outsider starting now.

CF: If you wanted me to cite a rank outsider, a pilot officer, a second lieutenant, even lance-corporal is the sort of rank outside which it would be hard to get. Unless one had no rank at all...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PM: Whatís he talking about?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Iím big enough to admit that Iím lost completely!

NP: Itís what I call a little Freud hyperbole which I donít think really, itís sort of deviating from the er what is an outsider...

PM: Well...

CF: Why?

NP: Well no, no, you see, those people who hold those rank donít think theyíre rank outsiders. If you think that theyíre rank outsiders, I mean, you canít make that half and half...

PM: Nicholas, youíve understood more than I have!

NP: In that case Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you have a point and one second to go on rank outsider, Paul, starting now.

PM: Well of course...

WHISTLE

NP: Paul Merton was again speaking as the whistle went, and has moved forward. Heís just in the lead ahead of Clement Freud and then Derek Nimmo and Julian Clary in that order. Clement your turn to begin. Would you take the subject of gratuities and tell us something about it in this game starting now.

CF: A gratuity is money and/or benefit, paid in order to obtain better service than you might otherwise get. Ten percent, 12 and a half, even 15 is the sort of figures that are occasionally added to accounts to pay to those people whose job it is and who are given money in order to perform them.

BUZZ

NP: That was all you had to say on it, was it Clement?

CF: For the moment!

NP: Thatís right.

CF: I may be back.

NP: Derek got in first, hesitation, gratuities is with you Derek and there are 35 seconds to go starting now.

DN: Well when Tommy Cooper was getting out of a taxi, he handed the driver a tea bag and said ďhave a drink on meĒ, which I always thought was a particularly mean gratuity for anyone to give, even such a wonderfully accomplished amusing comedian as the aforementioned Mister TC. I donít like having to give gratuities in restaurants. I think itís much better to do as the French do and include it in the bill. Itís terribly difficult when youíve had absolutely ghastly...

BUZZ

NP: Julian you challenged.

JC: Did he sort of trip over his words then?

NP: Yes he often trips over his words. But I mean ah...

JC: You just turn a blind eye?

NP: Well...

DN: Like we do when you donít start!

JC: Weíre not getting on at all well!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think that, I think that facetious remark of Derekís means that you should have the benefit of the doubt here Julian and take the subject with seven seconds to go on gratuities starting now.

JC: I always like to give a large tip, especially if Iím in a Greek restaurant and thereís a Greek waiter who looks like he might be hung...

BUZZ

NP: Um Derek challenged.

DN: Two Greek waiters.


NP: Two Greeks, yes.

JC: Oh what a lovely idea!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek youíve got in... you see, you lose the subject and you gain extra points, donít you because you got back in with one second to go on gratuities starting now.

DN: Mr Charles Courtland who employs me...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so at the end of that round Derek Nimmo speaking as the whistle went and we now come back to Julian who begins the next round. The subject Julian is the press. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

JC: The Press is an obscure underground film which concerns itself with sexual activity on underground trains...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He was underground twice.

JC: He was yes.

NP: He went too underground.

JC: Isnít it difficult.

NP: it is difficult, itís a difficult game Julian, yes.

DN: Yes.

NP: Fifty-three seconds for you Derek, the press starting now.

DN: Noel Coward was once asked by The Sun newspaper what he would like to say to them and he said ďshineĒ. Which always seemed to me to be a reasonable remark...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Deviation, thatís the wrong story.

DN: What was it then?

PM: He said, it was a paper called The Star and they said ďhave you got anything to say to the star and he said ďyes, twinkleĒ.

NP: That is absolutely correct, that is what he did say and heís quoted as that. So you were deviating in the fact you were misquoting...

DN: It is actually a true quote.

PM: You mean he used the same joke twice?

NP: Ah, so I agree with you, he did say twinkle to The Star and you have 43 seconds on the press Paul starting now.

PM: When we think of the wonderful achievements throughout all the towns of this city, is there a greater sense of wonder than whatís come out of the city of Corby, the trouser press we see in our hotel rooms. Has anyone ever used one? I never have, theyíre quite good for keeping your toast warm in the morning! You put on some jam and stick it in the middle of this machine and it is indeed kept to a mildly lukewarm temperature throughout the entire AM period of the day. And also I think what we generally...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Repetition of think, and the trouser press is not made in Corby, theyíre made in Windsor.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well you get one point for a correct challenge of repetition but I donít give you another one for cleverness. Um, 16 seconds for you Clement on the press starting now.

CF: In the west country, a press would be thought to be a cider press where cider inside her inside...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Cider.

NP: He had too much cider Derek, so eight seconds for you on the press starting now.

DN: A washerwoman was attacked by a sex maniac and he fled away and the headline the next day was ďwasher...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: What was the headline?

DN: Oh Lord! Nut... ďNut screws washer and bolts!Ē

NP: Itís a bit of an anticlimax if you donít build up naturally to the payoff isnít it. But you were speaking as the whistle went, you gain an extra point for doing so. Youíve moved forward Derek, youíre still behind Paul Merton whoís in the lead. Clement weíre with you to start, taking the waters. oh how apt for this lovely lovely place of Bath. Taking the waters, Clement, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The French have a thing about their livers, as a consequence of which Perrier, Evian, Vetel, Vichy and Contrexville are places to which Frenchmen go a lot and take the waters. They walk around carrying a glass, holding it up to the sun and the stars if it is the evening. And if itís after 1964 when the aforementioned newspaper first hit the light of day. And they feel that taking the waters is enormously beneficial to their insides, better than cider which is drunk in the west country a lot. And I know that Bath has a tremendous reputation for the waters. If you read jane Austen you find that all sorts of people from different parts of the country, also Scotland... gathered...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Sadly that was hesitation.

NP: Sadly it was, because he magnificently went for 55 seconds!

PM: Oh!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And thatís what can happen in Just a Minute, you go as strongly as that for nearly the whole, and he doesnít get any points at all, unless he gets back in five seconds time. But Paul got in, a point for a correct challenge and five seconds on taking the waters starting now.

PM: I suppose there are a lot of people who regard taking the waters as one of the healthiest...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton got that extra point and now has increased his lead at the end of the round. Oh what a lovely subject, my worst nightmare. Paul I think you can do justice to that one in this game starting now.

PM: Well Iíve been having my worst nightmares funnily enough in the last week because in a few days time I will be going back to the world of stand-up comedy that I havenít done for about 10 years. And Iíve had these terrible dreams where I am standing on stage and I havenít got a clue what Iím going to say next. Nobody is laughing and so i say to the audience ďdoes anybody here have a question?Ē And I know that if I oh oooh!

BUZZ

NP: Julian!

PM: I started to think about it and itís horrible!


JC: He hesitated.

NP: He did hesitate, didnít he. And there are 38 seconds for Julian to tell us something about my worst nightmare starting now.

JC: My worst nightmare would be when they ran out of baby sham in my local hostelry. What would I drink to wet my whistle when I go home after a long dayís work at the...

BUZZ

PM: A long dayís work? When have you ever done a long dayís work?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: What are you challenging for Derek?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No!

DN: And also if heíd gone...

NP: The audience have endorsed it...

DN: If theyíd run out of baby sham in his hostelry...

NP: He laughed at his won slip-up...

DN: If he went home to drink it, he wouldnít have brought it anyway, would he?

NP: But that would be deviation...

DN: Oh all right.

NP: ...so itís nothing to do with, you said hesitation. So Julian you have another point for an incorrect challenge and you have 28 seconds to tell us more about my worst nightmare starting now.

JC: I woke up in a cold sweat because I couldnít taste those bubbles in the back of my throat. I thought this canít go on! What am i going to do? So I went to the beautiful city of Bath and ...

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

JC: ...and consoled myself. Because theyíve got some lovely pubs there and theyíre full of baby sham, to the very...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Too much baby sham.

NP: You had too much baby sham.

JC: Oh itís not possible!

NP: I know! Twelve seconds are left, my worst nightmare starting now.

CF: To talk of my worst nightmare presupposes that one can have a best nightmare which I personally would not accept. My worst nightmare therefore is the sort of thing...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went. Julian Clary weíre back with you and the subject is urban myths. Can you tell us something about that in your baby sham besotted life...

JC: Besotted?

NP: Besotted! Sixty seconds starting now.

JC: An urban myth about me is that Iím married with three children! Itís certainly not true! The actual basis of urban myths are a mystery, itís a kind of um fact...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: No! Of course not!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And the audience have endorsed it once again! Julian you have another point and you have 50 seconds, urban myths starting now.

JC: There are them as do say Cliff Richard has got a colostophy bag! And this is another example of an urban myth. The man has got a colostophy bag...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís how you have to try and say one of those things, rather than repeating the phrase.

JC: Yeah, Iím getting the hang of it now!

NP: Paul you challenged first, urban myths, 42 seconds starting now.

PM: Well the source of urban myths is very difficult to determine. Itís usually a friend of a pal that itís happened to. Oh I was on holiday on safari when this mad axeman cut off the head of a warder in the park and held it above the car. And when you actually question the original source... I said source before!

BUZZ

NP: Clement you have a correct challenge, there are 22 seconds available, urban myths is the subject, you start now.

CF: In my local hostelry which is called The Nine Naked Geriatrics, there is a man who is hot on urban myths. His favourite story is about a man on safari...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Ah two mans. Man and man.

NP: Yes thatís right, repetition of man. So Paul you got in with eight seconds on urban myths starting now.

PM: If you really examine these stories, there is a man called...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of stories.

NP: Yes you did have stories before.

PM: Did I?

NP: Oh yes.

CF: Absolutely.

NP: And so Clement itís with you, six seconds to go on urban myths starting now.

CF: A Rolls-Royce bought on the 19th of any calendar month is the urban mythís habit...

WHISTLE

NP: Right, at the end of that round Paul Merton has increased his lead. Heís in a strong position ahead of the other three who are almost equal in second place. Clement weíre into the last round...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Why did they laugh I wonder?

PM: Itís always been a mystery!

NP: Thatís a lovely audience. The last laugh, what a wonderful subject on which to finish the show. Clement itís your turn so tell us something about the last laugh in this game starting now.

CF: The last laugh is a wonderful subject on which to finish this show, says Nicholas Parsons. And I canít say i agree. Because the last laugh...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged.

DN: Well he stopped.

NP: He did stop yes, because there was a laugh. But it wasnít the last laugh because we hope weíre going to have some more in this round as you continue with 53 seconds starting now.

DN: I must say to have the last laugh is a wonderful thing. He who laughs last laughs longest, so they say. And as I...

NP: Paul youíve challenged.

PM: Repetition of laughs.

NP: Yes the subject on the card is last laugh and you said laughs twice.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Donít look at me so surprised Derek, I can assure you you did do that. Actually I must explain to the listeners sometimes when theyíve made a challenge and they disagree with me, they stare at me as if to bluff me out of it and thatís what that sort of...

DN: Weíre looking, weíre looking at you with contempt!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why the audience applaud that! Right, correct, laughs, repetition, 42 seconds, the last laugh with you Paul starting now.

PM: Itís the title of a fairly well-known German silent film, The Last Laugh. Starred an actor called Emil Jannings who made the er career in...

BUZZ

NP: Julian challenged.

JC: Well he was just about to hesitate wasnít he?

NP: He did hesitate.

JC: Oh he did.

PM: Are we accepting psychic challenges?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: About to hesitate?

NP: No what I think you meant was that the, you were going to get in first because you realised he was hesitating. But well done, he did hesitate! And weíre going to hear from everybody in this last round on the last laugh, and 34 seconds for you Julian, the last laugh starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Ah who challenged? Paul?

PM: Repetition of tortoise.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If you keep up this peculiar ploy...

PM: Itís a psychic challenge!

NP: Well he hasnít said it yet...

PM: Well he hasnít, otherwise that robs the psychic nature of it, if I wait till he says it!

NP: Give him a bonus point, but a point to Julian because he was interrupted, 33 seconds, the last laugh starting now.

JC: I know some very good jokes about tortoises but Iím not going to do them now!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation.

NP: Why?

DN: Well heís not talking about the subject, heís talking about tortoises. I know some very good jokes about tortoises but Iím not going to talk about them now. Heís not talking about the subject.

NP: But he could have been going on to say...

DN: Oh could he?

NP: ...that this was going to be the last laugh.

JC: Yes!

NP: And there was a last laugh.

JC: There was!

NP: And Paulís bonus point got a big laugh when he said about tortoises you see. So he got a big laugh and that was the last laugh in this particular show. So Julian didnít deviate then so...

PM: He only has to say tortoises once more and everybodyís going to be really amazed!

NP: Twenty-nine seconds with another point for you Julian, the last laugh starting now.

JC: Here we are in the last round of the show, and Iím having the last laugh. Because Iíve got about 12 points and Iíve never won a game!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Iíd just like him to have another point!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: If you keep this up, heís going to win, you know! Another point to Julian Clary, 21 seconds left, the last laugh Julian, starting now.

JC: Itís hillarious, the last laugh, because Iím overcome with peopleís kindness. And youíre so kind, itís making me laugh. You think wouldnít it be incredible if I got to the end of this round without being interrupted with no-one lunging for the buzzer, like you all do, morning, noon and night on this game. Nicholas, as you know, has lovely teeth. They must have cost a fortune! And that girl next to him never says anything! It really is a laugh!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Julian you brought that round to an end with style and panache. And as you saw from the audience response with great affection from them. And you have leapt, leapt forward. Because I now have to give the final situation. Derek Nimmo whoís been known to win many times in 32 years, came in fourth place for once. Sir Clement Freud, whoís also won many times, because heís one of the regulars as well, came in third place. And in second place, somebody whoís only played the game twice before, it was Julian Clary. A round of applause for Julian! A magnificent effort on your return, Julian. But ahead of you was the man who had the most points so we say he is the winner this week, it is the irrepressible Paul Merton! Well it only remains for me to say thank you to these four great players of the game, Paul Merton, Julian Clary, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. Iíd also like to thank Linda Cobley for keeping the score for me and blowing the whistle so elegantly every time the 60 seconds was up. We also thank our producer Chris Neill who keeps us in order and sees that it all comes together in the end very very well. And also we must thank Ian Messiter who thought of and created the game and keeps us all in work. And we are so delighted here with this wonderful reception weíve had from this marvellous audience here in this lovely city, cathedral town, abbey town of Bath. The warmth of your reception makes us feel we must come back again. On behalf of me Nicholas Parsons and all the rest of the team we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then good-bye!

THEME MUSIC