JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 1 December 1969)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Iím going to ask each person to try and speak for 60 seconds on some unlikely subject for Just A Minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject in any way. If one of the others thinks they are guilty of one of these crimes they may press the buzzer and challenge, if I uphold their challenge I will give them a point and they take over the subject. If I donít uphold their challenge, the person speaking gains a point and continues until the 60 seconds is up. That is the way we play, that is the way we score, and this week weíre going to begin with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, a lovely subject for you to start with, what I most desire. Would you try and talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well in common with so many other great people it is of course Utopian. In the sense that it is a paradise, an island somewhere where falls no rain, or any snow, nor ever wind blows loudly. But it lies deep-meadowed happy, fair, with orchard lawns and bowery hollows crowned with summer sea, where I may heal beyond my grievous wound. And my wound is grievous for I have been most deeply humiliated! Oh! Most deeply hurt! And moreover, I can tell you things that would make your hair curl! I was put through the most dreadful tantrum! And moreover...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged twice, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: No, I only challenged once.

ANDREE MELLY: I did once.

NP: Oh I see. Well Clement your challenge came in first, why did you challenge?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Yes, on what grounds?

CF: Well my hair couldnít curl!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think there was quite a bit of deviation from what I most desire in that. So Clement Freud, you have one point because I agree with the challenge and you have 23 seconds left for what I most desire starting now.

CF: What I most desire is a small cottage in the country with roses round the door, and somebody elseís wife standing on it, waiting for me...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DEREK NIMMO: Deviation, somebody elseís wife.

NP: Yes I agree with you, I think er um it would be common to accept this is a devious way to go along in the society as it is formed today. Forgive my pomposity but what else can I say?

CF: But you donít know what somebody elseís wife can do for me. I mean...

NP: That gets even worse Clement Freud! So I...

CF: I prefer married staff!

LAUGHTER FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think youíre getting even further embroiled. There are now 18 seconds, Derek Nimmo, for what I most desire starting now.

DN: What I most desire is a glass of water taken from a little burn outside Aberdeen with a trout still swimming in the bottom of the glass. And there I would...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, a trout could not swim in the bottom of your glass.

NP: Youíre quite right, even a baby trout! So Kenneth you have the subject back, you have another point for that and there are eight seconds left for what I most desire starting now.

KW: Oh I most desire to be totally uninhibited! Take it all off, I cry! Strip off the bark!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: (laughs) Deviation!

KW: What I most desire!

DN: Well heís stripping it all off and throwing it everywhere!

NP: Yes well all right, it may sound devious to you, but heís allowed to do it if he wishes.

KW: Yes Iím talking about my libido!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well if you keep your libido down for a little, and continue with what I most desire for the next three seconds starting now.

KW: Oh, complete freedom for my soul, so that it may fly...

WHISTLE

NP: As Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, it means that he gains a point. And at the end of that round Kenneth has got a commanding lead of two over everybody else!

KW: Hooray! Oh thatís marvellous! Oh lackaday! Rue!

NP: Lackaday, rue, Mr Kenneth Williams I suggest that you keep your finger firmly on your buzzer and see if you can maintain that lead. And Andree Melly will you begin the next round. Making passes, 60 seconds starting now.

AM: What you need is a lot of dynamite, a bit of elbow grease, a pickaxe or a bulldozer and a large mountain, and youíre away. On the er other hand, you could have a pair of false eyelashes, a miniskirt and you could have a great success. Er Italy is supposed to be the country where passes are made at you all the time. I went there quite often and nobody ever said ďbella bellaĒ and pinched my behind...

WHISTLE

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged, why?

DN: Repetition of bella bella.

NP: Bella bella yes. So there we are, your wonderful command of language loses you the subject, and a point to Derek Nimmo, 35 seconds left for making passes Derek starting now.

DN: You see you have to have one to enter my house. And how I make them is this. I get a piece of green cardboard and I print on the top ďthis is the er house of Derek NimmoĒ...

BUZZ

NP: Andree youíve challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation yes, so Andree you have 27 seconds for making passes starting now.

AM: You have printed on the top ďthis is the house of Derek NimmoĒ. And then you say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of Derek Nimmo.

NP: Yes and the whole of that sentence, because weíve had it once in this round. Twenty-four seconds left for making passes starting now.

CF: It is often said that if you stand in Piccadilly Circus, all sorts of people will pinch you on the behind. In France, the men tend to go up to the ladies and say ďmademoiselle, erzette see bell...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was, there was also bell...

CF: But thatís how they speak!

NP: Well all I can say Clement, is your demonstration loses you the subject to Andree Melly. Ten seconds left, making passes starting now.

AM: At parties the most usual opening gambit is ďhavenít we met before?Ē Which people say to you when they know perfectly well they never have...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, this is a conversational gambit, itís nothing to do with making a pass.

NP: Well it depends on the way he it is said. Itís very difficult to judge on this and I think this could be an opening to a pass, or a pass in itself. So I...

KW: Well...

NP: ...am still with Andree so another point...

KW: Well I will defer to your judgement!

NP: Youíre so helpful Kenneth! Three seconds are left starting now.

AM: Ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud youíve challenged, why?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Clement, you have a point, two seconds for making passes starting now.

CF: Get over there, you old cow! You say...

WHISTLE

NP: That last most revolting pass of Clement Freudís, which I hope brings him no success anywhere has gained him two points, because he was speaking as the whistle went and won with a challenge. And he now has a small lead over the rest of ...

KW: (wails) Oh Iíve lost my lead!

NP: Yes!

KW: Ohhh!

NP: Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round, my forebears, that is the subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Once upon a time I went down to the wood with my four bears. There was a Daddy one, a Mummy, a baby and a midget. And I went into our little house, and around the table was a big chair, a small chair, a middle-sized one and a dwarf one. I sat on the first one, it was too hard. I sat on the second, it was too soft. I sat on the third, it was just right. But I transferred my affections into the tiny weeny one and it was even better. Then on the table was a bowl of oats and I tasted the first bowl, belonging to those furry creatures that Iíve been talking about, the quadruplet. And there the first oneís too hot. And the second one was too cold, and the third was just right. But the teeny weeniest one of all was the nicest of the lot...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged.

AM: Repetition because heís been eating so many...

NP: Iím sorry Derek, I loved the story actually. So there are 11 seconds left Andree for you to carry on with my forebears starting now.

AM: Great Uncle Willie was my favourite. When he died, he was with his mate who was called David, and he looked up and he said to her ďoh hellĒ and died...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, we have an interesting situation. Andree Melly who is not with us regularly has taken the lead just in front of the others. Clement Freud would you begin the next round, getting on with other people. Will you try and talk on that subject, for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Getting on with other people is something which is very simple if you are of a magnanimous and generous phrase of mind, and a bent, such as Kenneth Williams would show to people... oh challenge me somebody!

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged. Why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I thought it was deviation when he was talking about his bent mind! But there are 46 seconds for you, Derek Nimmo, to go on with getting on with other people starting now.

DN: Well itís terribly important I think to get on with other people. I make a point of it. Every time I go on the underground, I say ďwhatho, how are you folks?Ē And people are always terribly pleased when you wave them a cheery wave. And then you sit beside them and you say ďhow are you toadyĒ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation there, only just but there we are...

DN: I was sitting down, you know!

NP: In this game you havenít got time for such niceties. There are 33 seconds left for getting on with other people Kenneth starting now.

KW: I think one of the secrets is to give them the impression that they are finer than the real facts would merit. And I think the more you assure people of their finer qualities, the more...

BUZZ

KW: ...fine they become in the process...

NP: Derek Nimmo you have challenged. Derek Nimmo, why...

DN: He very kindly repeated it again, fine.

NP: Yes yes, there we are, there are 18 seconds left for getting on with other people Derek starting now.

DN: Oh it is such fun you know! When you go to Ramsgate on a Tuesday morning and you see all those fellows on a parade, standing (goes into high-speed gibberish) and why arenít they challenging me...

BUZZ

DN: I was talking absolute rubbish and nobody... Iím sorry!

NP: You have been challenged. Clement you challenged.

CF: Deviation from the English language!

NP: A justified challenge, eight seconds left for getting on with other people Clement starting now.

CF: Ideally you do it by your own personal...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you have challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he couldnít get his own personal out, could he? There we are. Four seconds left, getting on with other people Andree starting now.

AM: The best thing to do is to say nothing and then listen to them talking and then...

WHISTLE

NP: Once again Andree Melly was speaking as the whistle went so she gets that extra point and now she has a lead of two over Clement Freud whoís in second place and the others are just behind. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. Sensationalism, how about that for a subject for you Kenneth! Youíre nodding very seriously.

KW: Yes Iím ready for you.

NP: Sixty seconds starting now.

KW: This is something I strongly disapprove of! Sensationalism is something which is directed at the baser instincts of human beings and is something that you should never encourage in any way whatsoever! Because in appealing to the lower instincts of people...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Clement Freud you challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of instincts.

NP: Yes repetition of instinct. Forty seconds left Clement Freud, for sensationalism starting now.

CF: Sensationalism has been called the life blood of Fleet Street. And indeed without this one wonders where the newspaper industry would be. If you buy a paper which comes out for between eight pence and nine pence every week on a Sunday...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged, why?

AM: Repetition, it comes out every week!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right Andree, I will give you a bonus point for cleverness, leave the subject with Clement Freud, 27 seconds left for sensationalism starting now.

CF: You will find on the front page a piece of print which says turn to page four...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Well deviation, youíll never find on the front page a piece of print!

NP: I donít know! Do you really think thereís a piece, such a thing as a piece of print?

CF: Yes.

NP: Ladies and gentlemen of the audience, do you think thereís such a piece, such a thing as a piece of print? If you do will you cheer, and if you donít think so, will you all boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: The audience are the final judge, whether theyíre right or wrong, they donít think thereís such a thing as a piece of print. So Kenneth Williams has a point, he has 22 seconds left for sensationalism starting now.

KW: This is done deliberately to get you going! And thatís why I strongly disapprove of it! Everything should have a morality to be deeply rooted in Logos. Or as the Greeks would say...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Logos, I didnít like.

NP: You maybe didnít like it, but it seemed to fit in all right, whatever it may mean in this context!

CF: I thought it was going to be something else!

NP: I know you did! You were being just a bit too sharp there with your buzzer. Nine seconds left Kenneth and donít be intimidated by the chap sitting beside you Kenneth! Sensationalism starting now.

KW: The worst aspect of this of course is the ghost...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Expect. Aspect is the word he was searching for.

KW: I said the word...

NP: It was the way he pronounced it, it was one of his characters.

CF: Deviation of pronouncement!

NP: Its er, you could have the worst expect... Kenneth Williams has another point...

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Seven seconds left for sensationalism Kenneth starting now.

KW: The worst aspect of this...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CF: In that case itís repetition!

NP: It was repetition that time, I quite agree, of aspect...

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

NP: It was not a disgrace! Youíve done it...

KW: I was going to tell you about the ghost train and everything! And all the sensations I had in it!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím...

KW: No, I...

NP: Iím extremely extremely pleased weíve been saved that! Anyway there are five seconds left for sensationalism Clement Freud, starting now.

CF: ďYou behaved like a pack of young dogs, says JudgeĒ is possibly my favourite...

WHISTLE

NP: If you heard, listeners, if you heard any chuckling and laughter while theyíre actually speaking in that round, it was that Kenneth Williams and Clement Freud are sitting next to other, were trying a bit of one-upmanship on each other and really trying to intimidate.

KW: I was blandishing him!

NP: Your blandishments didnít work! Clement Freud has another point at the end of that round which gives him a lead of one over Andree and Kenneth Williams is still in third place. Derek Nimmo would you begin the next round, grace. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: One thinks immediately of Grace Darling, perhaps. Grace Fields. And also one could think of it as a surname, the great Doctor WG. I remember hearing about him from my forebear when he played at Lords in 1895 and scored a hundred before lunch. In other words one can also of course be in a state of grace. Or one can think of the term in the year of grace. If you think about it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud, youíve challenged, why?

CF: One hesitation.

NP: Whatís that?

CF: He, hesitation.

NP: No I donít think so, no, no, no. I thought you were going to have him for grace, and I was going to be terribly clever and say yes, but theyíre all different types of grace.

CF: Iím sorry, Iíll let you make your joke, weíll do it again!

NP: All right, weíll do it again. Are you going to challenge again?

CF: Iím going to challenge for repetition of grace.

NP: Yes but they were all different types of grace.

CF: Hahahahahahahaha! Brilliant!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Oh! Good!

KW: Oh! Oh heís a scintillator, innee?

NP: Derek Nimmo has another point and he has 27 seconds left for grace starting now.

DN: For another point that I just received, may the Lord make me truly thankful. Thatís an example of a grace that one might say on occasion in a game such as the one weíre in at the moment. Also if one is rather naughty one sometimes stands up in public...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, Kenneth you have another point and there are 13 seconds left for grace starting now.

KW: Grace, well of course, this is a delightful quality and I possess it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why have you challenged?

CF: Itís not a quality.

KW: Of course it is! Gracefulness! What are you talking about? You great fool!

CF: Grace... grace is a state! Itís not a quality!

DN: No...

NP: Well it is a state. It can for some people be, I think, a quality. And for Kenneth Williams Iím sure it is a quality. So Kenneth with your quality will you continue for 10 seconds on grace starting now.

KW: And as I say this is something...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Repetition, heís said it!

NP: Yes but actually he, itís the phrase he was using as I say. Heís not said that before. So Kenneth has another point and there are five seconds left for grace starting now.

KW: And whenever I lose the game, people always say to me "didnít you do it with grace! Grace you had! Oh!Ē

WHISTLE

KW: They always say that!

NP: So as at the end of that round, Kenneth Williams has leapt into the lead!

KW: Oh good!

NP: Alongside Clement Freud.

KW: Oh!

NP: And theyíre one point in front of Andree Melly. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is books. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Books are made of paper, invariably covered by hard board. There are also soft covered books which are much cheaper and available at good newsagents, especially at railway stations. I am a great collector of books, preferring blue ones to those of any other colour. I always think that if you get a book which is heliotrope, mauve, purple or even violet, the continent...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes. Thirty-one seconds for books, Derek Nimmo starting now.

DN: I like of course good books. And I do think itís awfully important when you are er bringing up young children, that you should...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams, why...

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, Kenneth you have a point, 25 seconds for books starting now.

KW: Well there is a book, who runs may read, which heavenly truth imparts. Now that of course was written by Kebbell in his famous one. And one asks oneself what it really means, you see. Who runs here? May Read, has she got the runs? The May Read runs?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Your friend beside you buzzed, Clement Freud. Why did you buzz Clement?

CF: It was an overrunning, I thought. Verbal diarrhoea.

KW: Youíve just done yourself out of a dissertation on John Kebbell, one of your great poets! Thatís all youíve done yourself out of!

NP: All right Clement, you have another point, seven seconds left for books starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo you challenged, why?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, right, six seconds for books Derek starting now.

DN: Most books start with a preface which is terribly interesting reading, often better than the main content of the...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve challenged, why?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation Andree...

DN: Hesitation?

NP: You have the subject, two seconds left for books starting now.

AM: You can find an awful lot of them in libraries...

WHISTLE

NP: Well you will be fascinated to hear thereís but one point that separates the three leaders in this game, Clement Freud, Andree Melly and Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you begin the next round, how I enjoy myself.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud why did you challenge?

CF: Disgusting!

NP: You donít know until he opens his mouth!

CF: Oh all right!

NP: Clement was trying to forestall your story! Weíve lost two lovely ones, about what happened in the ghost train...

KW: And John Kebbell!

NP: ...and your dissertation on John Kebbell.

KW: Mmmm.

NP: Now letís hear how you enjoy yourself, maybe the same or other ways, we donít mind. Sixty seconds on that subject starting now.

KW: (in impression of Derek Nimmo) Well of course, in Whoís Who, it simply says that my hobbies are calligraphy and walking. Now this is to a certain extent true, but not wholly. No. You see, I awfully enjoy a little bit of music, you see... (collapses in laughter)

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

KW: I was trying to do him! Oh!

NP: Kenneth Williams was telling me he was trying to do an impersonation of Derek Nimmo!

LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: heís given us about three or four other impersonations throughout the evening!

KW: His mouth was agape!

NP: His was agape, yours was agog, and er... And er...

CF: Iíve got the point!

NP: Clement Freud youíve got the point.

CF: Iíve got the point.

NP: And youíve got the point as well. Clement you have another point, you have 43 seconds left for how I enjoy myself starting now.

CF: Actually I enjoy myself at a race meeting. Particularly at Newbury, Ascot and York. My main enjoyment comes from backing winning horses, that is to say, such equestrian... quadrupeds...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation so there are 23 seconds left for how I enjoy myself Andree starting now.

AM: I do it in lots of different ways. at...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo why have you challenged?

DN: Deviation, she does it lots of different ways!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: We will very rapidly give you a bonus point for wicked cleverness and press on with Andree with the subject, 20 seconds left, for how I enjoy myself starting now.

AM: In the country at our cottage, in the sunshine with my baby is a very nice way to spend oneís time. On the other hand, doing skiing in the winter if you can afford it which isnít very often. And going down the mountains with the sun blazing and the crystal snow crunching under your feet...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was almost just a hint of hesitation there Andree. So Kenneth has the subject and there are two seconds left for how I enjoy myself starting now.

KW: Going out and shouting ďhad your hair done lately?Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well this really is folks, a most exciting game. Derek Nimmo the subject now is for you, your round to begin, my briefcase. Sixty seconds starting now.

DN: My briefcase actually is under the table on the other side at the moment. But I had, find it very useful really because everybody has to give their briefs somewhere. Particularly of course barristers at law. And theyíre handed these briefs by solicitors generally, wrapped up with a bit of pink ribbon round them. They put them in these little bags and they carry them off to the law court. I donít take mine to the place of law, I tend to take mine with me to television studios and also picnics. Every time I go down to Tunbridge Wells for a little repast in the open air, I take with me the aforesaid receptacle and I often I take sandwiches, bloated paste, green cheese, jam...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve challenged.

AM: Green cheese.

NP: Yeah well just say why youíve challenged.

AM: Um deviation er...

NP: Oh if you said hesitation, I mean, if cheese might be green, I mean Derek might never think about green cheese... no, no, I find it so difficult to be fair but I think that is not devious within the rules of the game. So Derek keeps the subject, 23 seconds for my briefcase starting now.

DN: And I took it with me into The Kingís Arms at Wandstead and there was a chap behind the bar. And he said (in country accent) ďare you leaving that here?Ē (normal voice) And I said ďno I take it to the Bull and Bush round the corner.Ē And he said ďhow very interestingĒ. I said ďIím glad you find it fascinating. Would you like to see inside this little baglet Iíve got with me?Ē And he...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly why have you challenged?

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: This conversation with the er publican wasnít really anything to do with his briefcase.

NP: He just said would you like to see in this little bag Iíve got which I understood to be his briefcase.

AM: Oh.

NP: So Iím still with Derek Nimmo, Derek, another point and there are nine seconds left for my briefcase starting now.

DN: I took it out and there was a little bit of blotting paper inside. He said Ďdo you always carry that round in the case of briefs?Ē I said ďI do and not only that, I defy you to point to anybody else in this bar who hasnít got a similar piece of paper in their bag as well.Ē And he said ďI donít believe itĒ....

WHISTLE

NP: Well as Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, he gets another point and that also is the end of the show. And I have to tell you that it was a very exciting finish. Andree Melly was fourth place, one point behind Derek Nimmo, one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was one point behind Clement Freud. I would say it was almost a draw for all of them but the person who did have one lead was Clement Freud! I would have liked to have said it was a draw, but there we are, everybody did extraordinarily well. We hope youíve enjoyed this particular edition of Just A Minute, and from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.