JAM:GNorton,TSlattery,ASmith,ABryson
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring GRAHAM NORTON, TONY SLATTERY, ARTHUR SMITH and ANN BRYSON, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 20 January 1994)

NOTE: Graham Norton's first appearance, Ann Bryson's only appearance.


THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the orally challenging game for those who are obviously orally challenged. First, Iíll introduce my guests. And my regular guest is as usual the effervescently witty, the incandescently convivial, the consistently cheerful Tony Slattery! What a masterful performance! Sitting next to Tony, a startlingly original actor, writer, comedian who has written and performed such shows as Mother Teresaís Farewell Tour, and the Karen Carpenter Bar and Grill, and all in the best possible taste, itís Graham Norton! On my right, a wonderful comedienne, actress and intergalactic space vet and ex-training hamster. Sheís also very well known as the dark haired one in the cream cheese adverts, the captivating Ann Bryson! And finally, a man once described by Janet Street Porter as a thoroughly irritating man neither young, attractive nor witty, so I think we can take it the wedding is off! Someone who is doing very well without Janet actually, Arthur Smith! Those are the four panellists who this week are going to try and play Just A Minute. The rules are simply ridiculous, no, Iím sorry they are ridiculously simple. But it depends on the way that you play the game. The rules such as they are is that they have to speak for Just A Minute on the subject I give them. They have to do that without hesitating, repeating anything or deviating from the subject. They can challenge at any moment. If I uphold the challenge they gain a point, and if not the one speaking gains a point. It will all become clear as we play the game, and weíre starting this week with Tony Slattery. And who better, you may say? Tony Slattery, the House of Lords. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

TONY SLATTERY: Many of the peers sitting in the House of Lords have been clinically dead for 10 years. It doesnít stop them voting. Why? Because they take a peculiar form of stimulant. Itís known as disgusting cream cheese, I think you know what I mean! And then they smear themselves in it. It gets all mixed up with their ermine, all their robes, and they trample...

BUZZ

NP: Arthur Smithís challenged.

ARTHUR SMITH: Well itís a load of rubbish, isnít it! Iíve never heard such a load of old tosh in my life!

NP: Well they...

AS: Iím actually about to talk it.

NP: Well it certainly was devious from the House of Lords. Because though it was a lovely idea, it was not, I donít think, very factual. Arthur you have a correct challenge, you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, he has gained the subject, the House of Lords, starting, 40 seconds by the way, now.

AS: Do you remember that old advert? This is luxury you can afford, by Cyril Lord! Well, Cyril lives in a house in the borough of Hampstead...

BUZZ

NP: Ann yes?

ANN BRYSON: Two Cyrils.

NP: There were too Cyrils yes. You canít have two Cyrils in this game. Ann Bryson...

AB: Yes?

AS: You wanted that anyway.

NP: What was that?

AB: No I donít actually.

AS: Oh.

NP: Stop having a chat yourselves. Weíre playing Just A Minute.

AB: (mumbling to herself) The House of Lords, the House of Lords...

NP: Ann you have the subject, youíve gained your first point. You have 34 seconds to tell us something about the House of Lords starting now.

AB: The House of Lords is a very large building next to the House of Commons in Westminster, which is quite near the Thames which runs along there in... oh dear!

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: A big hesitation, Iím afraid.

NP: A big hesitation, yes.

AB: It was a big pause.

NP: I must remind our viewers that you can repeat the subject on the card, so it was all right to say House a second time. Tony you have another point, you have 25 seconds, the House of Lords starting now.

TS: The House of Lords of course is useful in terms of bringing in new legislation. For instance, should there be a bill which bans the type of shirt which Arthur Smith is wearing? I say yes and if that were put to the vote, I have no doubt that the distinguished gentlemen in their capes and leather booties, because theyíre hiding quite a lot of things underneath, let me tell you! Would...

BUZZ

NP: Who... Arthur you challenged?

AS: I want to defend this shirt. It was borrowed from Nicholas earlier this afternoon!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: That was the most devious thing that youíve ever said Arthur! Tony you have another point for an incorrect challenge and youíve every luckily got one second to go starting now.

TS: The House of Lords is one of the most...

WHISTLE

TS: One second!

NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and when that whistle goes...

TS: Can I just say...

NP: No, let me just tell the viewers first...

TS: Oh heís not ready now!

NP: When the whistle goes whoever is speaking gains an extra point and it was Tony Slattery. Tony what do you wish to say?

TS: Oh shut your face! Iím not going on now!

NP: Donít be so horrid! Iím trying to do a difficult job here, keep the show moving, give them the rules, and you know have a bit of fun, give him...

AS: (sings) This is a luxury you can afford, by Cyril Lord! (speaks) And then there was the carpets! (sings) Give them the treatment, the family treatment!

NP: Tony Slattery...

BUZZ

AB: Two treatments.

AS: Oh right.

NP: Repetition right. At the end of that round, Tony Slattery has a lead. And er whoís going to go next? Graham Norton will you take the next round. The subject is tipping taxi drivers. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

GRAHAM NORTON: Tipping taxi drivers can be very dangerous because if you tip them too far out of the window, they canít see what they are doing! Or change gears or anything! They might crash the taxi into a frozen volauvent case, or something like that! Tipping taxi drivers is...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

AS: The syllables are getting really elongated! Tippiiiiiiiiiiiing taxeeeeee drivaaaaaaaaaaaas!

GN: Theyíre there, youíve got to use them!

NP: I think you must have heard Kenneth Williams playing this game on the radio and are trying to emulate him! No, I think we were getting close to hesitation. Arthur I give you the benefit of the doubt, 38 seconds are left for you to tell us something about tipping taxi drivers starting now.

AS: Tipping taxeee drivaaaaaaas....

BUZZ

NP: Ah?

GN: Hesitation! Elongated vowels!

NP: Yes, yes, hoisted on his own petard...

AS: That was parody!

NP: I know it was, but it was also hesitation.

AS: You wouldnít recognise that, would you?

NP: A man who wears a shirt like that cannot say a thing like that.

AS: Oh, not the old shirt gag again!

NP: Right, 35 seconds, with you Graham, tipping taxi drivers starting now.

GN: Tipping taxi drivers can cost you a bomb if you give them a lot of money. I donít give them very much myself because they never know the way to my house because I live in a rather obscure suburb. But itís tree-lined and the taxi drivers do like that because itís nice and shady...

BUZZ

NP: Ann...

AB: Becauses, quite a few.

NP: Yes you said because more than once.

GN: Oh!

NP: Well listened Ann, yes, youíve got in on the subject of tipping taxi drivers, there are 20 seconds left...

AB: Twenty?

NP: ..starting now.

AB: Tipping taxi drivers can be very good because they donít often earn very much money and theyíre also say things like ďcanít take you south of the riverĒ...

BUZZ

TS: Thatís bloody deviation, they earn a bomb!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Have we got any taxi drivers in the audience? No we havenít.

AB: Yes thereís one over there, he says he doesnít earn very much at all.

AS: Yeah, can you take Nicholas Parsons home?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít think we can judge on whether they earn a bomb. Some probably earn a lot, some donít, so I donít think technically she was deviating. So Ann you have the benefit of the doubt, you have a point, 14 seconds on the subject starting now.

AB: Tipping taxi drivers is very good if you want to get a receipt. Because then they say (in Cockney accent) ďoh love, would you like a couple more for the tax man...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

AS: Sheís patronising the working classes!

AB: Why?

AS: (in even broader Cockney accent) Well you were talking like that...

AB: I was being a cheeky chirpy chappie!

AS: My Dad used to be a taxi driver!

AB: No he didnít!

AS: No he didnít, youíre right! He might have been!

NP: You had rather devious thoughts there. Ann I disagree with the challenge, you have another point and six seconds on the subject starting now.

AB: Thereís a man who lives across the road from me called Paul and heís a taxi driver and I like to phone him up and ask him if he will take me to lots of...

WHISTLE

NP: Right! Ann Bryson was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and she has taken the lead at the end of that round, sheís now two ahead of Tony Slattery. Arthur Smith will you take the next round, the subject is the Chamber of Horrors. Good subject Arthur, will you tell us something about it in 60 seconds... I see youíre girding yourself up! What is coming forward from this icon of the comedy scene? Sixty seconds starting now.

AS: In my Chamber of Horrors there are these enormous teeth! These great gnashers bite into my legs, quite frequently. And I find that quite disconcerting! Another thing about what happens in the Chamber of Horrors in my bedroom is this enormous woman in...

BUZZ

NP: Tony yes?

TS: There were two enormouses.

NP: I know Tony, so you had a correct challenge and you have 22 seconds to take over the Chamber of Horrors starting now.

TS: Weirdly I know the person to whom Arthur refers. And yes, she comes from Switzerland. Sheís not married. In this country she is a fair Swiss maid. And she also appears in pantomime...

BUZZ

AB: Iím sorry, Switzerland and Swiss, sorry, I was wrong, sorry.

NP: It doesnít matter, donít apologise.

AB: Okay.

NP: Youíre keen, thatís what we like.

AB: Sorry, I wonít apologise, sorry.

NP: You look so protective. Donít...

AS: Itís all right. Heíll hit you! Leave her alone!

NP: If someoneís interrupted they do gain a point so Tony has another point for that, 11 seconds on the Chamber of Horrors starting now.

TS: A lot of people mistake the House of Lords for a Chamber of Horrors. Because itís full of corpses frankly! Letís not beat about the bush! Many of them, their hearts have stopped! But nevertheless, inside along the acid bath murderers of Nicholas...

WHISTLE

NP: Iíve just stopped him saying something... Anyway Tony Slattery was again speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and heís gone back into the lead. Arthur the subject is alternative uses for Buckingham Palace. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

AS: An immense toilet is the obvious gag that comes to mind...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

AS: ...and appears to get a laugh so Iím glad I said it! Another alternative use for Buckingham Palace or Buck House as some of us know it is to palm off a load of cheap trips which are worth nothing for foreign tourists to go around fondling corgis, having a miserable time, paying more money in to the bloody Queenís coffer while avoiding taxes to pay for the likes of this. So therefore I propose that Buckingham Palace be turned into an enormous outhouse in which the nationís homeless can defile themselves in political disgust at the system...

BUZZ

AS: Oh, thank God for that!

NP: Yes?

TS: Oh Iím sorry, that was so brilliant that I let it go. But there were two enormouses right at the beginning.

NP: I know, I know, it was enormous, wasnít it. Yes he did say it.

AB: Immense, wasnít it?

AS: It was an immense, it was immense.

AB: It was immense.

TS: Oh I withdraw my challenge! Youíll have to start again!

AS: And furthermore Iíd like to say that...

NP: No, therefore Arthur youíll have to carry on...

TS: Yes!

AS: Oh God!

NP: You get a point for an incorrect challenge. It was alternative uses for Buckingham Palace and there are 15 seconds left starting now.

AS: Another alternative use for Buckingham Palace would be to shave yourself and make all the little hairs that have come off your face into a tiny little dollís house. That would be very exciting indeed for no-one at all, except possibly me who is wittering on endlessly. Just as the Royal family has done for centuries now. The Russians, they know how to treat a Royal family! Thatís what I say and so does Jack Dee, because I stole that joke from him in the first place! Itís funny how long minutes can last sometimes! As Marcel Proust wrote in his memorable book, Alance Ce Chef Tepon Pardeux which goes (launches into a stream of French gibberish)

WHISTLE

NP: Well you stretched that 15 seconds to another 45 seconds! And so you went for actually another whole minute after that. So Arthur the audience enjoyed it. He gains another point because we were very wicked and let him go on and on. So we give him two points for all that, well done Arthur. The next round is slightly different. I donít give them a subject, we present them with an object.

OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL

NP: We present them with an object! Funny looking object, my goodness, what is that? What they have to do now is to talk about that object, describe it if they can. They might know what it is, they might not. Letís find out. Graham Norton, would you start. You have 60 seconds as usual, tell us something about the object starting now.

GN: This object is a jaunty handbag made from ostrich egg. The owner can retrieve it if theyíd like to come down afterwards, because I see thereís a little name written on it there which I canít see from this distance. In this handbag you could carry such...

BUZZ

NP: Arthur you challenged.

AS: A bit of the Lady Bracknell, two handbags!

GN: Thatís true. Iím a fool!

NP: Yes he repeated handbag, and he was completely devious because he did not tell us what it was. Arthur there are 43 seconds for you to tell us something about this object starting now.

AS: It is indisputably true that this object is a love egg... What you use it for...

BUZZ

NP: Ann you challenged.

AB: There was a bit of a pause after...

AS: Thank God really!

AB: I wish I hadnít challenged actually because I donít really know what it is.

TS: Itís a bit big for a love egg really! Itís no-one I know!

AS: Itís from Switzerland!

NP: Ann you still have to talk about it...

AB: Eating it for tea might be a bit tricky too!

NP: And you still have to speak even if you donít know what it is.

AB: All right then.

NP: And there are 37 seconds, the object is there starting now.

AB: The object looks like a hand grenade which is a bit odd. And I wish somebody would interrupt me because thatís about all I have to say on this subject...

BUZZ

AB: Thank you.

NP: Graham has challenged.

GN: Iím just challenging to please Ann!

AB: Bless you, bless you!

NP: And you have a point for that, a correct challenge because she paused. And deviated and the subject is with you, the object is with you, 31 seconds starting now.

GN: This is the sort of Easter egg you produce every year which is very handy for hunts. In the back garden which can be sponsored for charity work or you could just have a for hey-coo-la, the fun of it, with the kids looking under shrubs...

BUZZ

TS: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, you sounded really good. But hey-hoo-la? Anyone could say that!

GN: I did!

TS: I could say lookity-boo-doo-wah-loo! And it would still be gibberish!

GN: But I wouldnít challenge you!

NP: So what is your challenge?

TS: It was deviation from the English language because they were just nonsense syllables strung together.

NP: It was also deviation from the subject.

TS: Yeah.

GN: What? The object?

AB: What object?

NP: The object is the subject.

GN: Yeah but Iím talking about it.

AB: What is it?

NP: Ah you can get a bonus point if you get it right. Tony, correct challenge, 12 seconds, the objectís there, starting now.

TS: This comes from a very early and naff episode of Doctor Who, entitled Terror of the Unfrightening Ceramic Thing! Yes with Jon Pertwee. The world was threatened by these dreadful artefacts as they...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so, and heís now equal in the lead with Ann Bryson. Anyone of you can gain a bonus point if you can actually tell me what the object is. Anyone want to have a quick guess, gain a bonus point?

AB: Has it got rum inside it?

NP: No, no, itís something...

TS: Itís something to do with St Bernard dogs.

NP: No, itís something to do with royalty.

TS: Itís a hand warmer!

NP: Yes! Yes itís Queen Victoriaís muff warmer!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: No... I swear... No wonder she was always sitting down.

OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE

NP: They may well take it away, yes! Actually thatís what it said on the card in front of me. It would have been more delicate if theyíd said Queen Victoriaís... (laughs) hand warmer... hand muff warmer!

GN: No it wouldnít!

TS: She didnít have her hands in there as well, did she? My God!

GN: Thatís capacious!

NP: And with any luck, I might still be working on television next week! But I may have blown it completely with that last remark of mine. The audience enjoyed it anyway. So with that last point that Tony Slattery got it, it put him one point in the lead ahead of Ann Bryson. And we now move to the commercial break. And after that seriously disturbing display of manís inhumanity to man, and woman, we take a breather and patch our differences. Stay tuned and weíll see you, or more likely you will see us after this.

THEME MUSIC

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THEME MUSIC

NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute, the game that we literally make up as we go along, except the rules of course that I make up. So what should we do next? Iíll tell you what weíll do next, weíll take a subject from our audience. They will suggest a subject on which they would like one of our panellists to speak. Have we got any ideas, any thoughts? Yes, the gentleman at the back there, what is your subject sir?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Not tonight Josephine.

NP: Thatís quite a good one, yes. Is that from memory? What about the lady with the long hair, yes? Stand up please.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: What the Thames Barrier reminds me of.

NP: Yes not bad. Bit intellectual. The lady behind you, yes?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: What I caught on holiday.

NP: Oh yes, oh yes. On this side on the audience, yes?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Favourite ball games.

NP: Ball games. My goodness me, right. Well Ann weíre going to ask you... Do any of those subjects appeal to you because I think we;re going to ask you to start.

AB: Thanks, probably what I caught on holiday.

NP: Yes I think so, right.

AB: Fresh in my mind.

NP: Fresh in your mind. All right Ann, will you take, begin the subject, what I caught on holiday, 60 seconds starting now.

AB: What I caught on holiday was a very large fish, when I went out on a boat with the Italian waiter from the hotel where I was staying. He asked me if I would like to go out on the thing on the sea, and I said ďthat would be very pleasant, thank you very muchĒ. He then decided...

BUZZ

AB: Yes it was rubbish!

NP: Arthur Smith.

AS: Sheís just ripped off the plot from Shirley Valentine!

NP: What is your challenge?

AS: Itís deviation and rubbish generally!

NP: No I think itís quite true. She did repeat a couple of things but um nobody challenged her for that. So therefore she keeps the subject...

BUZZ

AS: Repetition!

NP: Too late now Arthur, your first challenge is the only one I can accept. There are 44 seconds left Ann, you have another point...

AB: Oh, I carry on?

NP: Yes you carry on because I donít accept the challenge.

AB: Do I have to keep on the same, can I change...

AS: Well she meets, er whatís her name, Paula...

AB: Yes!

AS: ... and then they get together...

NP: What I caught on holiday, 44 seconds starting now.

AB: What I caught on holiday was an Italian count. I caught him...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Two Italians.

NP: You had too many Italians on your holiday.

AB: Oh of course...

TS: An Italian waiter and an Italian count.

NP: An Italian waiter yes.

TS: What a holiday that was!

NP: All those Italians! Right, 41 seconds, what I caught on holiday Tony starting now.

TS: Curiously and depressingly, what I caught on holiday...

BUZZ

AS: I donít know if it is that curious! Given interestingly wasnít good enough for you. Adverbs are clearly a bit dangerous!

NP: I know! But ...

AS: I donít think itís curious! Whatever it is, Iím not at all curious about it.

NP: Youíve made your point, Arthur youíve made your point. But as I said when it happened to you, heís not deviating from the rules of the game. So he gets a point for being interrupted and continues for 39 seconds, what I caught on holiday starting now.

TS: In my lonely hotel room, I was unlucky enough to catch the reruns of Sale of the Century! Naturally enough I was tempted to take my own life! And so I fled from the balcony and soared into the air like Icarus and to may amazement I found that I could fly and I was not made of wax. And so I...

BUZZ

NP: Ann Bryson.

AB: Itís not what he caught on holiday really, is it?

NP: Yes, heís now deviated, flying...

AB: Little bit of deviation

NP: Off the balcony into a world of fantasy, dream, surrealism. Right, 22 seconds for you Ann, take over the subject starting now.

AB: When I went on holiday to Greece, I also went out with another man who served at table. And he was very pleasant too and offered me taramasalata and hummus and sasaki...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Graham?

GN: When are we getting to the caught bit?

TS: Yes! Thank you missus!

AB: All right.

NP: Yes, what I caught on holiday yes.

AB: All right, I was coming to that.

NP: Eleven seconds for you Graham to tell us something about what I caught on holiday starting now.

GN: What I caught on holiday was a nasty disease which seemed not to have a name. Certainly none that the foreign doctor, wouldnít you know it on holiday, could tell me about...

WHISTLE

NP: Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went, gaining an extra point for doing so. But heís still in fourth place. As we move into the final round, Ann Bryson, our first time player of the game, is only one point behind our leader who is still Tony Slattery. Graham Norton it is your turn to begin, the subject, the old lady of Threadneedle Street. Will you tell us something about her in this game starting now.

GN: The old lady of Threadneedle Street needs a good wash. Her personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. I donít believe she possesses a deodorant, not even an average, over the counter roll-on...

BUZZ

AS: I think this is deviation. I used to go out with the old lady of Threadneedle Street and her personal hygiene was very very good, in fact.

GN: Thatís relative Arthur!

AS: Relative to me, true, sheís filthy!

NP: It could have been a different old lady you were thinking of Arthur. I disagree with the challenge so Graham you have another point...

AS: Oh!

NP: You have the subject, the old lady of Threadneedle Street, 48 seconds starting now.

GN: The old lady of Threadneedle Street loves to jaunt around up the capitale on her mobilette, a sort of French moped. Yeehah, look at her get her leg over it, and jet down, ignoring bus lanes and taxi ranks, one way systems, what have you! The old lady of Threadneedle Street is a favourite at the House of Fraser where she adores wandering willy-nilly, hey hoo-rah, towards the lingerie department...

BUZZ

TS: Iím sorry! Iím sorry! Iím sorry! Iím sorry!

GN: It was worth a try!

TS: It was just back to this middle European foreign language again. Hey-hoobadoo doopaleedoodoodo bom!

NP: Hey-hoopa-rah?

GN: See! He says it!

TS: Itís hardly a measure of normality, is it?

NP: Oh come on, I was just about to give you the benefit of the doubt there. So what was your challenge Tony?

TS: It was um deviation because there was some sort of nonsense syllables.

NP: Yes I think he was getting away from the old lady of Threadneedle Street. Fifteen seconds for you Tony on the subject starting now.

TS: The old lady of Threadneedle Street is in fact me. I now admit that I dress like the...

BUZZ

NP: Ann Bryson.

AB: Itís rubbish! Heís not.

NP: I think it is rubbish.

AB: Heís not.

NP: I donít think he looks a bit like the old lady of Threadneedle Street, the real one or the fictitious one.

AS: I used to go out with him as well!

NP: Ann you have a correct challenge, there are nine seconds and you could win the game if you keep going for those nine seconds, because itís very close, starting now.

AB: The old lady of Threadneedle Street is not Tony Slattery as he mentioned earlier. It is in fact a fictitious character from historical times...

WHISTLE

NP: Ann Bryson speaking when the whistle went gained an extra point for doing so and we have come to the end of the contest such as it was. Equal in the lead were Ann Bryson and Tony Slattery, so we say they are our joint winners this week! So it only remains to say good-bye. So from Tony Slattery, from Graham Norton, from Ann Bryson and Arthur Smith and me Nicholas Parsons, we hope you enjoyed the show. And we hope youíll join us next time we launch ourselves into your living rooms to play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here good-bye.


THEME MUSIC