JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 October 1972)

NOTE: Thanks to Robert Torres for assistance with this transcript.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again it is my pleasure to ask our four keen competitors of the game if they can talk for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. And of course according to how well they do this, they will gain points or lose them. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Andree Melly. Andree can you talk on the Minute Waltz, 60 seconds starting now.

ANDREE MELLY: We hear the Minute Waltz every time you listen to this particular programme. It is written and composed by Chopin, and I happen to know about it because somebody gave me the record fro a present. The musician, pianist that is, is a Phillipe Entremen and he plays it charmingly I think. Why it has this title I donít know because you cannot in fact get through it in 60 seconds, it takes a great deal longer. Itís got a second title which was given for...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of second.

NP: No...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: No, seconds.

NP: All right Kenneth! It was 60 seconds before and she said second title so one was in the plural.

CF: Oh good!

NP: Oh good, he says to get out of it! An incorrect challenge Clement so Andree Melly gets a point for that and she keeps the subject, 32 seconds on the Minute Waltz Andree starting now.

AM: George Sands asked the er man who wrote it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a definite hesitation.

KW: Well she hesitated because she said Sands, itís Sand. Thereís no S on the end.

NP: Thank you, thank you...

KW: George Sand. She knew sheíd done it wrong! Thatís what made her nervy! I could see the blood flush to her face,

AM: Yes! Yes!

KW: Thatís what got you going, girl! You were throbbing! I knew! I knew! I could tell!

AM: Thank you!

KW: I find it communicates itself straight away!

AM: Yes!

NP: Yes!

KW: Iím in her flight, you see.

NP: Yes. Well Iím delighted that youíre able to explain it to the listeners who may not already have...

KW: Thatís right! Thatís right!

NP: ...twigged what you had. Well done, thank you very much Kenneth. Will you shut up now? Clement you have 28 seconds on the Minute Waltz starting now.

CF: As a dance the Minute Waltz has particular appeal to me because it seems to me to have movement which combines deviation of step with repetition of direction combined with a hesitation of tempo. And therefore could not have been invented for a better panel game than that to which Ian Messiter lends his name which is so very ably judged by you Nicholas Parsons...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve just challenged.

AM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Because I do not believe that Clement Freud thinks that Nicholas Parsons judges this particular game with...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I was, before you said it, I was about to give Clement Freud two points for his nice compliment. But Iím inclined to believe that you are accurate in what youíve just said, Andree Melly! So therefore I canít give you two points but I do give you one point for a very clever challenge and you have one second left on the Minute Waltz starting now.

AM: A waltz to...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Andree Melly was then speaking when the whistle went and as you know the whistle tells us that 60 seconds is up. Andree got in with one second to go with a brilliant challenge. She has a commanding lead over everybody at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, womenís football. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Womenís football, also known as womanís football, is really very similar to the same game played by people of the opposite sex. But for some extraordinary reason the females of the species do not appear to have as strong a kick as do their opposites. They slap as you hard...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of opposite.

NP: The opposite sex...

PJ: He said the opposite sex and he said opposites.

NP: ... and he said opposites. No, he said the opposite sex and this time he said opposites.

PJ: Oh I thought you werenít allowed to do that.

NP: No, Iíve just given it against him last time when he challenged Andree on seconds and second.

PJ: Is that right? Well Iím glad, I had to say something because of course, people will know Iím here! I havenít er had an opportunity of speaking before. Hello everybody! Well now you can just award him another point...

KW: Cut out giving yourself a plug! How is it! Disgraceful!

NP: Iím delighted heís made his presence felt. You made your presence felt very early on in the show this week! Peterís done the same. Thank you Peter, thank you. You have an incorrect challenge so a point to Clement and you have 43 seconds on womenís football starting now.

CF: The rules of womenís football are identical to those proscribed by the Football Association and other bodies administering the game in general. For instance even if you are a lady, you may not kick another...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of kick.

NP: Yes you did say kick before, their kick wasnít quite so strong. Peter Jones that time I agree with your challenge, so you have a point and you have 27 seconds on womenís football starting now.

PJ: This is something which I would cheerfully pay to see and leave my home for on a Saturday afternoon. Because I think it would be much more...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís leading us to believe that he would cheerfully pay. And I know heís as mean as old boots! Heís never... a devious remark to make!

NP: I happen to know heís not as mean as old boots...

KW: Heís never bought me a cup of tea in the canteen once! What are you talking about!

NP: Even...

KW: Iíve forked out again and again! The moths fly out of his purse! I can tell you!

NP: Oh that is devious in the extreme!

KW: Yes itís that devious! I get the subject, right?

NP: No you donít! Even, even if, even, even...

KW: Look he canít get it out! Look at him! Even, even, even!

NP: Sometimes with you I canít get it out! What I was trying to say Kenneth is even if what you said was true, he was still not deviating from the subject on the card, womenís football. Peter continue please, 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: And I can foresee itís er...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! You see what happens! He gets challenged and he canít get going again, it often occurs! Andree Melly was the first to challenge.

AM: Oh well, a hesitation.

NP: Yes, 15 seconds now with you Andree on womenís football starting now.

AM: I donít think this is a very suitable game for the female sex because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Weíre not interested in whether she thinks itís suitable or not! Weíre here to discuss womenís football, not whether (does high pitched impression of Andree) ďOh I donít think itís suitable!Ē (normal voice) Hark at Madam over there! Many of them are lovely at it! Iíve seen Ďem, graceful limbs in action. And indeed in ancient Greece, they done it naked! It was beautiful to watch! Beautiful! The Olympics they had! Football in the Olympics! It wasnít football like youíd know it today, it wasnít the kind of ball you have today. It was wooden...

NP: Are you suggesting we should revive the starkers Olympics Kenneth?

KW: No, no...

NP: All right...

KW: But Iím saying itís grace of movement...

NP: All Iím saying now is Andree was not deviating from the subject of womenís football, even if you disagree with what she said. So Andree you have 10 seconds on womenís football starting now.

AM: Because we have certain vulnerable parts of the body which can get hurt if...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is deviation! I mean...

NP: It is not deviation!

KW: We have certain vulnerable parts of the body!

AM: Have you got them?

KW: I have got certain vulnerable parts!

LOUD LONG APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Itís ludicrous, isnít it!

NP: All right! All right Kenneth, we all have certain vulnerable parts of the body...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...and Andreeís still not deviating from the subject.

KW: Rubbish! Sheís making it sound as though sheís the only sex!

NP: Andree Melly you were not deviating from womenís football, so you have five seconds left starting now.

AM: A good pair of football boots is very important. And then you have the socks, striped ones are not altogether...

WHISTLE

NP: So in spite of Kenneth Williamsí delightful intimidations, Andree Melly managed to keep going on women'sí football, and gained a number of points in that round including one for speaking when the whistle went. And she now has a very definite lead at the end of the round. Kenneth weíre now going to hear from you within the context of the game.

KW: Well at last! High time! Itís really ludicrous having me wait here!

NP: Independence, Kenneth!

KW: Oh!

NP: A most independent character, and will you talk on the subject of independence starting now.

KW: Well if we are going to discuss this totally objectively, and of course it is practically impossible to do that, though the polarity between the objective and the subjective is one which we could obviously discuss for hours and hours on end...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition, 47 seconds on independence with you Clement starting now.

CF: When our village made its unilateral declaration of independence, customs posts were set up between Southwold and Warbeswick, and a small force was recruited with guns and other equipment, passports, stamps and the odd pen with purple ink...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Itís too far-fetched! They didnít have passports, you know, in er...

NP: You believe all the rest but not the passports?

PJ: Yes!

NP: I think the whole thing is devious, I quite agree. The idea of Southwold, Warbeswick declaring, uh, giving a unilateral independence, I'm surprised no one challenged before.

CF: Do you remember saying that the important thing was to keep going on the subject?

NP: Without deviation, or hesitation or repetition, and I consider you were utterly devious.

CF: I kept going on the subject of independence. Whether you believe that Warbeswick got independence...


NP: You kept going on the, that's a very clever way of trying to catch me out. You kept going on the subject of independence, but the challenge was that you were not passports, uh, involved in this...

KW: You were not passports involved?

NP: You see what they do to me, they get me into such a state that my grammar disappears!

KW: You were not passports involved! Oh they'll have to edit this you know.

NP: Kenneth, I'll tell you something, they won't! And, my bad grammar once again will come over on the air. All I'm gonna say is that I believe with Peter Jones' challenge that it was devious and therefore you have 28 seconds Peter on independence starting now.

PJ: We have a copy at home, hanging on the wall, of the famous American Declaration of Independence. I wish I could recall all the signatories of this document, I think 48 in all, which would just about...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: There were nothing like 48 signatories to the Declaration of Independence!

NP: He said he thought there were 48...

CF: But nothing, I mean, to think that far from the truth...

KW: Exactly! I was going to say that!

PJ: Between 30 and 50!

KW: Exactly the point I would have made!

PJ: Between 30 and 50!

CF: I believe there were 13 states.

PJ: No, no, no, there were far more signatories.

NP: Iím inclined to agree that Peter Jones is much more close to the truth in this situation. So Peter you keep the subject and there are 12 seconds on independence starting now.

PJ: There were the Adams brothers, for instance, and Franklin...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: He hesitated after the...

NP: Yes! Just but only just and enough for you to have a point Andree. And seven seconds on independence starting now.

AM: This is something which countries gain and people get. Itís er supposed to be admirable but...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones challenged... Peter challenged just before the whistle. What was it Peter?

PJ: Hesitation. She said itís er...

NP: Yes it was enough for hesitation as yours was. So you have a point and half a second on independence Peter starting now.

PJ: Thank you!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones gained a few points in that round, Clement Freud is trailing, and Kenneth Williams is trailing more than somewhat. Peter your turn to begin, winning. Would you talk on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well this is something that doesnít very often happen to me. I always feel that itís a great pity that when one does, that somebody else has to lose. But of course that is the penalty that one pays when one enjoys this marvellously exhilarating sensation of actually conquering a team of people who are all bent on the idea...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs) Clement Freud has challenged.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: My challenge was on the team of people that were all bent!

NP: Yes!

KW: I do think, I do think...

NP: Thatís incorrect...

CF: Therefore the challenge is on hesitation because the idea, the next phrase came a very long time...

NP: No your challenge, which one are you going to have? Your challenge was deviation...

CF: Deviation.

NP: On bent, no, itís a delightful thought for which we will award you a point because you came so rapidly with a delightful challenge. But he was not deviating from the subject of winning. So Peter you um, Clement got the point, you keep the subject, winning, 35 seconds starting now.

PJ: Of course there are many...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Heís already had his of course in this minute!

NP: Yes and that was for the second one.

CF: Yes.

NP: And so Clement you have a point, there are 33 seconds on winning starting now.

CF: Of course if you really want to win, there are a number of words you must never use for a second time. And the one that I employed at the beginning of my sentence was exactly an instance in fact. Winning in Just A Minute is something I am fairly accustomed to, mostly because the other people lose with.. unrelenting frequency...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: A hesitation before unrelenting.

NP: Yes, yes, he will now become slightly embarrassed at er...

CF: Yes I will!

NP: Yes! The justification was embarrasses at his remarks so he dried up. And there are 12 seconds with you Andree on winning starting now.

AM: Of course this is something which we all want to do when we play games. But for some reason if you are British...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams why have you challenged?

KW: Deviation, I donít want to do it! And my record proves it! I never win! I just come here and chat away in the old microphone there, I donít mind if I win or lose or what! I think itís devious to say we all come here wanting to win. Absolutely devious.

NP: All right, so she says we all come here wanting to win. Actually I think you all do want to win...

KW: Get out of it! I donít care!

NP: But... Kenneth, you probably less than the others.

KW: No, sheís making an unwanted generalisation.

NP: It is a statement which sheís entitled to make within the context of this subject of winning. She believes that, sheís entitled to say it, sheís not deviated...

KW: Oh marvellous! Just kick me as you pass!

NP: ...from the subject, there are four seconds left with you Andree on winning starting now.

AM: But some of us are so unselfish, and such a wonderful character like Kenneth Williams...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I donít think any of us are unselfish! We wouldnít be here!

NP: Well I donít know what to say now because I did say that she was allowed to think that you were unselfish even if you werenít.

PJ: Well Iíd like to challenge as well.

NP: Why?

PJ: Deviation...

KW: Heís always getting his oar in, innee!

PJ: Because she wasnít talking about winning, she was talking about Kenneth Williams! And he certainly isnít winning!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Or he isnít this afternoon!

KW: (laughs) Yes!

NP: Oh no he certainly isnít winning! He hasnít got a point yet! I know what weíll do...

KW: Iíve got loads of points! Covered in them!

NP: I know what weíll do in this unique situation. Weíve got one second to go so weíll give it to Kenneth Williams for one second...

KW: What? Whatís the subject! Whatís he on about!

NP: Youíve got one second on winning starting now.

KW: Oh yes I think the adrenaline's flowing...

WHISTLE

NP: So with the help and connivance of everybody else including the chairman, Kenneth Williams got two points in that round and heís still in fourth place! Clement Freud your turn to begin. The subject, signs. Will you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: On the A40 between here and Oxford, there are a number of signs, some of which say ďkeep leftĒ. Others pronounce ďturn rightĒ. And more yet urge you to drive straight on, looking only at the notices which would propel you in the direction of promise like Beaconsfield, Taine, Bedford, even Woburn which may be pronounced Woe-burn but ah the Duke does not...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well, but er the Duke does not.

NP: Hesitation, yes, he was...

CF: Butter!

NP: No, no, no...

KW: The Duke has not!

CF: You always have a respectful pause before mentioning members of the aristocracy which I was told was proper...

NP: I think one of the most charming things about this game is once theyíve committed one of the penalties, how they try and wriggle out of it or justify. Bad luck Clement, Kenneth, sorry... Clement bad luck, Ken... Kenneth has the point!

KW: We have to give him a bundle of hay and lead him, lead him away to graze...

NP: You can tell how the strain of the programme affects me on occasions. Kenneth you have a point and you have 30 seconds on signs starting now.

KW: I am under the one of the fish. They call me a Piscurian, that is my sign you see. Now it means that I am very volatile, up one the moment, down the next. And all Pisces people have this in common. But of course the other thing must...

BUZZ

KW: Did, did somebody press?

NP: Yeah but no light has come on so keep going quickly.

KW: Somebody pressed though, didnít they?

NP: I know! No light came on.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís lightís now come on.

CF: Repetition of somebody pressed!

NP: All right, because you dried we give a point to Clement for a clever challenge because I said keep going because no light came on. You keep the subject and there are three seconds still with you Kenneth on signs starting now.

KW: And the one that says ďno smokingí gave rise to an incredible...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, heís still in fourth place alas. Clement Freud has moved into second place alongside Peter Jones, Andree Mellyís still in the lead. And Kenneth Williams you begin, the three gorgons. Can you talk about that...

KW: Not to be confused with gorgonzola which is good-bye in any language!

NP: Iíd save those jokes for the round!

KW: Oh sorry! Yes yes!

NP: You have 60 seconds, talk on the subject, starting now.

KW: Yeah well they were these three girls with snakes in their hair. And two of them were gods, one was mortal. So they said to Perseus ďwhen you get there, your only chance is with MedusaĒ. So as she had the ability, along with her sisters, to turn all men that looked upon them to stone, he done it by looking in his shield at her reflection.

BUZZ

KW: Then he bought the side round and cut her head off. And then the blood shot out of her head because it was cut off her body! Well naturally it would shoot out, wouldnít it under those circumstances.

NP: Kenneth...

KW: But also when the blood also sprang, this horse, now this horse, you see, come out of her head...

NP: Yes!

KW: Incredible! Called Pegasus, and the bloke got away on the horse, you see. They got on Pegasus and rode. The other two...

NP: Youíve been challenged seven times!

KW: What about? What about?

NP: Well the first one to challenge you was a very long way back but it was Andree Melly. What was it Andree?

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Bad luck, I thought you were going to challenge because he said two lookings but itís too late now...

AM: And he said two lookings.

NP: I donít think he was going slowly, I think he was going magnificently. He had the bit between his teeth and he was raging forward, Perseus and Medusa and the Gorgons...

PJ: It definitely sounded as though he had!

NP: So Kenneth, in spite of all those challenges, 34 seconds are still left on you with the three gorgons starting now.

KW: I almost wish there werenít! However Perseus rushed forth...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Weíve already had Perseus.

NP: Yes! Once youíre challenged itís best to stop because if you get in again or you get it against you, youíve still got a lot of material to continue with.

KW: How right you are! But you see, you give me these tips so late in the day Nicholas, and Iíve lost heart and almost...

NP: Clement I agree with your challenge, you have the three gorgons and 30 seconds left starting now.

CF: At school we had a trice of teachers who were known as the three gorgons. One...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: At school we had a trice of teachers?

NP: Yes.

KW: I happen, heís talking about grammar. Iíve never heard of a trice of teachers in my life! And I donít think any such thing exists! And Iím not going to sit here and have people talking ungrammatical rubbish about trice! A trice of teachers! Iíve never heard such rubbish in my life! Itís ludicrous! How dare all these people here be misled...

NP: I, I think under the stress of keeping going without...

KW: Under the stress! My, my aunt Fanny!

NP: Under the stress...

KW: Under the stress! Ohhhhhhhh!

NP: Kenneth, under the stress of your aunt Fanny and all the other penalties in this game, you have been guilty of certain...

KW: Iím not in the lead! I should be given a chance!

NP: You won just recently magnificently!

KW: Oh that was ages ago! Iíve had two light ales since then!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím not, Iím not... that was a lovely line, I must remember that one!

KW: Do I wrestle it from him?

NP: No!

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

NP: Because whether it is ungrammatical or not, Iím not sure but certainly he kept going very well and he hasnít deviated from the three gorgons and there are 24 seconds left starting now.

CF: This professorial trio endeared themselves to the hearts of all their students by coming forth with a brace of subjects, ah...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly youíve challenged. Oh yes Andree you got in first.

AM: Deviation, he just...

NP: No it was hesitation.

AM: The poor man, itís hesitation.

NP: Itís too late now!

KW: Heís got it back now, you see! Heís going to win!

NP: You could have won, you could have got the point and won the game! But alas your first challenge was deviation, he didnít deviate. So Iíve got ot be fair within the rules of the game. Clement youíre still there with 14 and a half seconds on the three gorgons starting now.

CF: In mythology, the Greek... gods...

BUZZ

NP: Andree you did get in that time.

CF: Yes.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, why didnít you say it last time? All right, so gird your loins, girl, because I have received a message that weíre in the last round and there are 13 and a half seconds left on you and youíre still in the lead on the three gorgons starting now.

AM: Thereís this marvellous steak and kidney pie which you can get at the pub on the Surrey Sussex border known as The Three Gorgons...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Ah I was going to say itís deviation but then she went on to say itís the name of a pub.

NP: I know she did. So you got in just too late, in fact it wouldnít have mattered anyway. You still...

BUZZ

NP: Oh you challenged again?

KW: Thereís no pub called The Three Gorgons. Iím reliably informed by a gentleman in the front row whoís a publican!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I disagree with that challenge...

KW: Thereís no flies on him but you can see where theyíve been!

NP: Andree you have another point and you have six seconds on the three gorgons starting now.

AM: Thereís this sign up outside with these three heads with these snakes...

BUZZ


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of sign.

NP: Yes and this. All right...

KW: Ah that was good! Yes! He got in there, didnít he!

NP: Kenneth, itís not going to make any difference to the result unfortunately.

KW: Isnít it? Oh!

NP: There are three and a half seconds on the three gorgons with you Peter starting now.

PJ: And there they were on the Surrey side of the river...

BUZZ

KW: How do you know? What are you talking about? How can three Greek girls be on the Surrey side of the river?

NP: But he was probably referring to the pub Andree had already mentioned. So he has another point and thereís one second left on the three gorgons Peter starting now.

PJ: Laughing like drains...

WHISTLE

KW: Oh itís a disgrace! Itís a disgrace! You should have given it to me!

NP: Well Peter Jones and Andree Melly gained a number of points in that round with the help of Kenneth Williams, because I disagreed with all his challenges. So I have to give you the final result because I told you this was going to be the last round. Kenneth Williams finished, alas, in fourth place. Well I know, he does win sometimes, but he gives so much to the show, doesnít he.

PJ: Whatís he given you?

NP: Nothing, thatís why he loses! Clement Freud finished in second place alongside Peter Jones, they were equal in second place. Andree Melly who girded her loins magnificently held her lead, and our victor is Andree Melly. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

NP: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.