starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, TONY SLATTERY and RICHARD VRANCH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 27 January 1994)

NOTE: Richard Vranch's first appearance, Clement Freud's first television appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you audience, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the radio game show thatís now on television so radio Four listeners may prefer to watch it with their eyes shut!


NP: I didnít write the joke, itís all right, I donít mind! With which thought, let me introduce the guests. And firstly my resident guest and constant companion, in fact weíve been seen together so often now, people are beginning to talk. Yes theyíre saying ďsurely they must have gone off each other by now!Ē Yes itís televisionís Mr Tony Slattery! Sitting next to Tony, is an improviser, comedian, keyboard player and nuclear physicist. Yes heís televisionís Mr improvised comedy keyboard playing nuclear physicist, Dr Richard Vranch! On my right, a comedian with a cheeky grin, a glint in his eye and an unusual mole on his left buttock. Heís a very funny man indeed. Televisionís Mr very funny man indeed with an unusual mole on his left buttock, Tony Hawks! And last but by no means least, lending some gravity to the otherwise frivolous proceedings, we have man who is a broadcaster, gourmet, politician, aviator and columnist. Heís flown in, cooked us a meal, made a programme about it, reviewed it in the papers and then had it banned by act of Parliament, Sir Clement Freud! Right, for any of you who may be new to Just A Minute, itís very simple. The rules are, well, the rules such as they are as I try to interpret them. But basically I ask each panellist in turn to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitating, repeating anything or deviating from the subject. And of course they can challenge. They gain points if I uphold the challenge, and whoever is speaking, if I donít uphold the challenge, gains a point. And they complete the subject as well, yes. So letís carry on, it will all become clear as we play the game. Tony Slattery, heís going to begin the show this week. Tony, double parking. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

TONY SLATTERY: I looked out of the window, this morning. And to my surprise I saw someone trying to park a Fiesta car. The person in question had on a red blazer and a blue polo-neck. I rushed down, I looked in that individualís face...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Heís looked twice.

TS: Oh yes.

NP: Yes thatís right, you looked too strongly there. Clement you have a correct challenge so you get a point for that, you take over the subject which is double parking, there are 44 seconds left starting now.

CF: Double parking is a not unusual chess move, rather like the poisoned pawn or the Sicilian defence. What happens is that you move rook to knightís queen 2... and...


NP: And Richard Vranch challenged.

RICHARD VRANCH: I think there was a hesitation.

NP: You think it! Yes there was!

RV: Yes!

NP: He made up something completely fallacious and then stopped. Right, double parking is with you Richard Vranch and there are 29 seconds left starting now.

RV: Double parking is one of the perils of flat ownership. Now three or four different families live in one building and theyíve all got at least one vehicle. They have...


NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Sorry that was harsh, but there were two ones very close. One vehicle and one...

NP: Yes, one yes.

TS: Sorry.

NP: But a correct challenge nonetheless, so another point to you Tony. Donít be embarrassed thatís the toughness of the game. Twenty seconds...

TS: Thatís right, Nick!

NP: Twenty seconds are left for you on double parking Tony, starting now.

TS: The point I was trying to make is that I looked into the face...


TS: Oh my God! Thatís awful! Iím very sorry!

RV: Thatís the third time youíve looked!

TS: I know!

NP: I know!

TS: Thatís pathetic! Iím so sorry, I apologise!

NP: We know the way you look yes, but it canít be helped! There we are! Eighteen seconds Richard, on double parking starting now.

RV: I double parked once in Kensington and the traffic wardens there were particularly harsh on me. They took me out of my vehicle and...


NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: Ah repetition of vehicle.

NP: Yes you had vehicle last time you were speaking Iím afraid. Tony Hawks you have a point, a correct challenge of course. And the subject of double parking, 10 seconds starting now.

TH: I once worked as a chauffeur for Roger Mooreís double. So, in a sense, every time I parked...


NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Roger Mooreís double is repetition!


NP: Itís a repetitious thought but he wasnít repeating anything in Just A Minute. But Clement what weíll do is give you a bonus point because the audience enjoyed your challenge. But Tony gets a point for being interrupted, he keeps the subject, six seconds, double parking starting now.

TH: Yesterday morning I got up and looked out of the window. To my surprise, I saw a man in a red blazer with a blue polo-neck shirt double parking...


NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Hawks so heís taken the lead at the end of that round. But theyíve all scored points, and we move forward to the second round. Richard Vranch is going to take the second round. The subject, London pubs, Richard. Will you tell us something about those in this game starting now.

RV: Isnít it great to have a local pub, a place you can go in at any time of day and everybody knows your name. I have an establishment just up the road from me, and when I walk through the door, all the clientele turn around and say ďhello Richard, how are you?Ē And I say ďIím very well, thank you, Iíll have a pint of your...Ē


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: I just want to know if this is a pub for children?


NP: It did sound a little bit like Listen With Mother, didnít it?

TH: (in impression of Richard Vranchís rather soft motherly voice) Hello Richard, how are you today? Iím splendid, thank you very much!

NP: Yes! It was good fun, wasnít it. So whatís your challenge within Just A Minute?

TH: Ah hanging out with small children! Deviation!

NP: All right, a bonus point to Tony Hawks, but a point to Richard for being interrupted, he keeps going on London pubs, 40 seconds starting now.

RV: The great thing about London pubs is they ers charge you much more...


NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Sorry, this is not a word, scharge?

RV: Scharge.

NP: Deviation from the dictionary?

TS: Going a bit camp there! I scharge! (camp voice) For this sjacket they scharged me eight pounds.

NP: I thought heíd decided (drunk voice) he just left the pub actually. Sounded like the Lord of Salisbury that pub.

TS: I think you overdid that slightly actually Nicholas. Donít you?

NP: I know.

TS: I think you lost them halfway through!

NP: Well no, I didnít get them at all actually! Thatís why I went on, but it was too late by then...

TS: Heís doing it again!


NP: Thirty-six seconds, Tony Slattery, London pubs starting now.

TS: I go to a strange pub in London called The Cantilevered Bra. And the publican behind the element which you might call a service on which they serve drinks, looks remarkably like Nicholas Parsons...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of like.

NP: Yes, you said like before.

TS: Yes.

NP: And now looking remarkably like Nicholas Parsons.

TS: Quite harsh!

NP: Yes but accurate unfortunately. Clement you have...

TS: All right!

NP: Yes all right. It doesnít matter. Theyíre talking about us Tony, be careful! Twenty-four seconds are left for London pubs starting now.

CF: The London pub that I like best is in Camden Hill, and has five ladiesí loos, and no gents. Which does make it awfully difficult for people of the male gender. Often...


NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Iím sorry, was there a pause there?

NP: Yes there was a pause. I think he was trying to work out the next, I donít know, I think it was amazing. Eleven seconds, London pubs, with you Tony starting now.

TS: Yes Iíve been to the pub which Clement refers to, and there are indeed many many... oh!


NP: Tony Hawks got in.

TH: There may well have been a repetition of the word many.

NP: It was definitely. Six seconds for you Tony, another point as well, London pubs, starting now.

TH: What a marvellous place to begin a courtship, a London pub. You look over at the beauty the other side of the bar and say ďoy...Ē


NP: On that occasion it was Tony Hawks who was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And heís taken a very strong lead at the end of the round. Clement Freud, will you take the next round, the Buckingham Palace shop. Will you tell us something about that in this game, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The Buckingham Palace shop is an expression to denote when a footman or Royal flunky discloses information about a Prince or Princess to the tabloids. And a pretty disgraceful game it is, to my way of thinking. The Daily Mirror and other newspapers, smaller in other size than I would care to read on a morning, pay good money to get information which is salacious and often untruthful. I am against the Buckingham Palace shop, which is why I so favour the opening of a place where... citizens and...


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Was there a hesitation there?

NP: I think there was a hesitation.


TH: I...

NP: Clement Freud youíve won them over magnificently, yes. But I think there was, I think...

TH: I actually buzzed by accident, I just leant on it really. I think that put him off and then there... Sorry about that.

NP: No I think I have to give the benefit of the doubt, and on this occasion it goes to you, Tony Hawks. A point and the Buckingham Palace shop, 23 seconds starting now.

TH: I donít know very much about the Buckingham Palace shop...


NP: Richard Vranch.

RV: Itís deviation then, if he doesnít know much about it.

NP: Itís not deviation.

RV: Itís the subject so if he doesnít know anything about it, he must deviate.

NP: But it doesnít matter if he doesnít know anything about it. Thereís an object come up out of there soon if you donít know anything about it, youíve got to talk about it.

RV: All right then.

TS: Youíve just given away the object round!

NP: I think this showís been going for a number of weeks and a lot of our regular viewers do know we have an object round.

TS: I love you!

NP: But donít reveal it in public! All right so Richard, you have to keep going. I know you havenít played the game as often as the Slatteries of this world but you have to keep going whether you know anything about the subject or not.

RV: Okay.

NP: The Buckingham Palace shop, 20 seconds, another point to you Tony Hawks starting now.

TH: I ask myself the question, does the Buckingham Palace shop sell King Edward potatoes? It might be the kind of thing that they would sell in such...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two sells.

NP: There were two sells Clement yes. So you have the subject back again, another point too, and 11 seconds starting now.

CF: An awful lot of people queue down Buckingham Palace Road in order to get... entry...


NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: I think there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes, I think he was trying to say the Mall is where they queue. Right, Tony, six seconds...

CF: No! I was not trying to say the Mall is where they queue.

NP: Well donít they queue down the Mall?

CF: Not for the Buckingham Palace shop, no.

NP: Oh I see, they queue down Buckingham Palace Road, do they? Oh well we stand corrected, donít we? Six seconds for you on the Buckingham Palace shop, Tony Slattery, starting now.

TS: In the Buckingham Palace shop I bought a wind-up Princess Margaret which comes inside a lot of miniatures of whisky and gin...


NP: Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís in second place now, Tony Hawks is still in the lead, and then Clement Freud and Richard Vranch in that order. And Tony Hawks your turn to begin, the subject, Berkeley Square. Will you tell us something about that magnificent square in this game starting now.

TH: That certain day you passed my way, there was music abroad in the air. And as I stopped to smile at you, a nightingale sang in Berkeley Square. A marvellous 40s song which filled my house as I grew up. My mother singing at the piano. Oh such joys were shared by our familial gatherings round about Christmas. I was so intrigued by the place, I went there once, wearing an anorak, not relevant to the story but one I thought Iíd throw in anyway. It was a disappointment given the way Iíd been introduced to it as a child. As a romantic location where you might meet the sweetheart of your dreams who would whisk you off your feet and take you to a very special place where cake and chocolate is eaten by... I have a feeling no-one is going to buzz me here!


NP: Richard Vranch yes, you challenged?

RV: I thought we were getting way off Berkeley Square.

NP: I know, and he only had two seconds to go!


NP: Oh you have really alienated yourself from this audience Richard!


NP: Yes they wanted him to go on, he was so romantic. I didnít know you had so much romance in your soul Tony, I really didnít.

TH: Oh well thatís...

TS: Steady!

NP: Oh God, Slattery youíre impossible! Richard you did actually have a correct challenge, so in the rules of the game I give you a point, and you take over the subject of Berkeley Square with only two seconds to go, and the, the anger of the audience starting now.

RV: Berkeley Square...


NP: Oh Tony Slattery challenged you.

TS: The challenge is not much. Itís just that I think the audience hate you so much, theyíll uphold my challenge!


TS: That was a way to win the sympathy back for you.

RV: Oh!

NP: It hasnít, itís won it for you, you rotten so-and-so!

TS: Me?

NP: Right, youíve got one and a half seconds on Berkeley Square, Tony Slattery, starting now.

TS: An old...


NP: Richard Vranch has challenged, yes?

RV: I just wanted to finish off the minute!

NP: Thatís right yes, you have another correct challenge there. Berkeley Square is back with you Richard, one second starting now.

RV: Ber...


NP: Yes?

TS: He started before the second!

NP: Absolutely right! Tony Slattery has a point starting now.

TS: (makes chimp-like noise)


NP: Yes? Tony Hawks?

TH: Ah could I have a go?

NP: Yes! Right, one second starting now.

TH: Always...


NP: Yes?

TS: Itís just heís got a nasty shirt!

NP: A wrong challenge so Tony Hawks finishes the round....


NP: No, you want him to finish the round!


NP: Right so...

TH: So you have minds of your own?

NP: half a second on Berkeley Square, Tony Hawks, starting now.

TH: Clement Freud is one of the...


NP: So Tony Hawks started with the subject and very rightly finished with it. he lost two seconds of time to Richard Vranch and Tony Slattery who were having a game on their own over on this side of the table. What Iím going to do now is something slightly different here. Instead of me giving them a subject, weíre going to present to them an object. We just...


NP: Look at that! Iím sure if you tried to eat that youíd feel exactly like that noise. Right, Tony Slattery, there is an object. You might know what it is, you might not. Would you talk about it in 60 seconds starting now.

TS: I suffer very badly from hay fever which means I have to take certain drugs called antihistamines one of which is oxymytasselinehydrochloride which is a vasa constrictor which means it makes it...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Three whiches. Two I would have gone for but...

NP: Which means, which means. Clement Freud, you have a correct challenge, you have this object in front of us, and there are 47 seconds starting now.

CF: The object in front of us is a plate of jellied eels, a quite delicious confection which is set in what is called in the east end of London, liquor, but is actually the juice in which the fish is cooked and then set because the...


NP: Richard Vranch.

RV: Two sets?

NP: Yes thatís right, so Richard, well listened. Twenty-nine seconds for you to tell us something about the object starting now.

RV: The scale model of the Norwegian fjord before us is a very accurate model indeed...


NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: There were two models.

RV: I know, yes.

NP: There were two models, yes, so Tony, you got in again, thereís the object in front of you, 23 seconds starting now.

TS: Or not to put too fine a point on it, medically if health is ... God!


NP: Tony Hawks challenged.

TH: Ah I think hesitation there.

NP: Youíre definitely right and you cleverly got in with only half a second to go, thereís the object, half a second starting now.

TH: Here is an example of what can happen...


NP: Once again Tony Hawks was speaking as the...


NP: Thatís what happens if you eat jellied eels. Tony Hawks was speaking as the whistle went and gained an extra point for doing so. He has increased his lead at the end of the round. Weíve come to the halfway mark in the contest such as it is. Tony Hawks has leapt into the lead, ahead of Richard Vranch and then Tony Slattery and in last place, because he wishes me to mention it, Clement Freud. And this is the point where we take the time to rub witch hazel on each otherís sensitivities and for that weíll need some privacy. So weíll see you after this.




NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute and weíre going to have some more minutes in Just A Minute. But now Iím not going to give our panellists a subject, Iím going to ask our audience to give them a subject. Is there any subject any member of the audience would like any one of these four bright sparks to talk about. If you have a subject, leap up and give it to me. Thereís a gentleman there, yes, what is the subject?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Tony Slatteryís sideburns.

NP: Yes Iíve noticed them, yes. Are you trying to bring back the sideburn, are you Tony? (laughs) Any other suggestions?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dockersí disgusting habits.

NP: Dockersí disgusting habits. And I think Tony Slatteryís sideburns is a very good one. Yes and Tony Hawks, will you tell us something about Tony Slatteryís sideburns in 60 seconds if you can starting now.

TH: Interestingly enough Tony Slatteryís sideburns used to be mine. But he stole them from me just before the show began. He crept into my dressing room where I was taking a little nap. And with his scissors cut them away from the side of my face, placing them on his lovely cheeks. Now they adorn his visage with a marvellous complexion. They donít... I donít want to carry on!


NP: So Richard you challenged, yes?

RV: He doesnít want to carry on.

NP: He doesnít want to carry on so we call it hesitation. Richard will you tell us something about Tony Slatteryís sideburns, 35 seconds starting now.

RV: A little known fact about Tony Slatteryís sideburns are that the left one...


NP: Ah Tony Slattery.

TS: Iím sorry thatís quite bad grammar. A little known fact are.

CF: Yes yes.

TS: Thatís deviation from the English language.

NP: I know, and Iím glad you got in because Iíd like you to tell us something about your sideburns and you have 31 seconds starting now.

TS: Curiously enough these sideburns arenít mine at all. They come from leftover bits of Lionel Blair. He was in panto once, I believe with Una Stubbs. And he fell into a threshing machine. And he suffered an appalling facial injury which is why heís got the hair style he has got now. But the stuff that actually plummeted to the floor, I picked up. And in a rather Blue Peter way, got some sticky backed plastic and a couple of fairy liquid bottles, and mashed the whole thing together. And that is why I now look like Gareth Hunt or one of the other people...


NP: Well Tony Slattery was speaking as the whistle went, telling us a completely fictitious story about his sideburns. But he did get a point for speaking as the whistle went and at the end of that round heís still in second place. Clement Freud will you take the next round, the one thatís been thought of by Ian Messiter is rather a bizarre one. Hampstead to Putney by bus. Yes I thought it would set you alight. The audience have gone hysterical. Clement Freud would you take the subject and 60 seconds starting now.

CF: It would be a very foolish thing to do. Because a train from Euston to Richmond enables one to get on at West Hampstead and emerge at Putney. And a very happy time would be had by anyone in this sparkling atmosphere which Underground Railways, London Region in brackets, provides for all those season ticket holders who, provided they do not travel in peak times, may show a card, whereby... (starts to laugh)


CF: Stop me!

NP: Richard Vranch has challenged.

RV: There was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, yeah I think he...

CF: There was provocation though!

NP: Iíve never heard such magnificent rubbish in all my life. Well done Clement!

CF: Itís true!

NP: Yes it is, I know. Hampstead to Putney by bus, Richard, 26 seconds are left starting now.

RV: Hampstead Heath is a marvellous place to wait for a bus. Before the thing arrives...


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Buses donít go on Hampstead Heath. People walk their dogs on Hampstead Heath. Itís a disastrous place to wait for a bus!

CF: Thatís why you can wait for so long!

RV: But itís still very pleasant.

NP: No actually there is now a bus service which goes right over the top of Hampstead Heath beside the Whitestone Pond.

TH: Oh well I bow to all you Hampstead livers.

NP: Hampstead livers? I havenít got a liver. Well not a Hampstead one anyway. Richard Vranch it was an incorrect challenge, and there are 22 seconds...


NP: ...Hampstead to Putney by bus...

TS: I havenít got a Hampstead liver yes, ladies and gentlemen. Iím giving myself the toaster for two pounds, itís the quiz of the week from Norwich! You still think youíre there, donít you! Youíre wearing the same clothes! The same jokes!

NP: Iím not! Iím not! Richard Vranch you had a correct challenge, you have Hampstead to Putney by bus, and there are 22 seconds starting now.

RV: From the top deck of the bus as you travel inside you can see the most marvellous things in London. I once noticed...


NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Iím sorry but I think it was a marvellous place to wait for the bus on Hampstead Heath before.

NP: Thatís right.

TH: Two marvellouses.

RV: Quite right.

NP: Thatís right, well listened Tony Hawks. Fifteen seconds for you to tell us something about from Hampstead to Putney by bus starting now.

TH: You could begin your journey on the 24 bus from Hampstead Heath and go down to Trafalgar Square. Then it would be necessary to change on to a 17 wah wah...


NP: Tony Slattery yes?

TS: Well thatís my preferred mode of travel, the wah wah wah wah wah wah wah!

NP: All right, hesitation Tony, youíve got in with three seconds on Hampstead to Putney by bus starting now.

TS: I got on to the Hampstead to Putney bus and I couldnít believe what I saw...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: There is no such animal!

NP: Thereís no Hampstead to Putney bus. No, no, there is a bus. No you cannot get to Putney, you can go down the other side to finish the road and get on the 28 bus. But you cannot, you cannot get on, because Iím a bus, um, er, commuter...


NP: Iíve never been on a show where theyíve actually made me hysterical before. Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, one second on Hampstead to Putney by bus starting now.

CF: West is the direction in which you would travel.


NP: So the whistle went and Clement Freud was speaking at that moment, gained an extra point for doing so...

CF: Have I won?

NP: Whatís that?

CF: Have I won?

NP: No you have won a distinction for yourself...

CF: Oh!

NP: No, no, no. The man who took the lead right at the beginning and held it through thick and thin to the end, we say heís the winner this week, Tony Hawks! Right, and after that terrifying insight into the origins of gang warfare, itís time to say good-bye. So from Tony Slattery, Richard Vranch, Tony Hawks and Clement Freud, and myself Nicholas Parsons, we do hope that youíve enjoyed the show and you will be with us the next time we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us, good-bye!