JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 October 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed and welcome once again to Just A Minute. Well once again weíre pleased to welcome back in the fourth chair Aimi Macdonald, whoís played the game a few times, to compete against these three tough male exponents of the game whom you all know too well for me to mention. Once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. Let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement a lovely subject to start the show off with because it so often happens in this programme, getting knotted. Clement will you talk to us about getting knotted in 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Getting knotted is a colloquial phrase, which I think at one time meant becoming spliced, joining in holy matrimony, taking unto oneself a better half. But now has a completely different meaning...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged?

AIMI MACDONALD: Um deviation, I suppose. Heís mixing up getting knotted with getting...

NP: Spliced.

AM: No, the other one, hitched.

NP: Spliced, hitched, knotted, you see.

AM: Yes.

NP: I think what heís saying is, you see, because of splice and hitch, they are all types of knots arenít they.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: I think it was originally getting knotted, and has now come to mean something else which he is about to tell us about.

AM: Oh.

NP: So I think I must give the benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud and say that he has a point for an incorrect challenge, keeps the subject therefore and he has 43 seconds left starting now.

CF: Nowadays, getting knotted means, as Aimi Macdonald so correctly challenged, not getting married...

NP: Just a minute! If Aimi Macdonaldís challenge was correct, and you say it was correct, Clement Freud, I have to give her a point and the subject!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Aimi you have a point which you have had awarded to you by Clement Freud, because he admitted that he was at fault just a minute ago and you have 31 seconds starting now.

AM: Oh crikey! Um...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I thought that was rather clever of you Clement to challenge so rapidly and get it back. So you have a point for a correct challenge and 30 seconds on getting knotted starting now.

CF: Kenneth Williams is the sort of man who uses terms like ďget knottedĒ. And as I...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Well of course, he isnít! He doesnít use it! Iíve never heard him use this expression. Heís always, Iíve always rather admired the way Kenneth has spoken and...

NP: A little bit of flattery will get you a very long way in this game, Iím sure! All right, so itís a difficult thing on which to judge, whether Kenneth uses it or not. I donít think he uses it a lot. So Peter gets the benefit of the doubt and there are 23 seconds for getting knotted with you Peter starting now.

PJ: Something to do with worms, and snakes being tied up and itís a very insulting thing to say to anybody, just as it is if you ah put a knot in a...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Hesitation, Iím afraid there was an er there.

NP: Yes there was a very definite er, so everybody speaking in the first round, lovely isnít it. Kenneth weíre now going to hear from you, the subject is getting knotted and there are 13 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well of course the accurate description of this is the maintenance of the nervous system into a whole series of knots. So making you, oh, I strangulate you with anger, they say ďoh get knottedĒ meaning you are all a flutter...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth you were speaking then when the whistle went...

KW: That means Iím in the lead, right?

NP: Let me just remind everybody Kenneth that when the whistle is blown, it means 60 seconds is up...

KW: And Iíve got a point!

NP: And whoever is speaking then gets a point and on this occasion it was...

KW: And Iím in the lead!

NP: Yes youíre in the lead.

KW: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

NP: You have two points.

KW: Good!

NP: Clement Freudís in the lead alongside you.

KW: Oh!

NP: Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald both have one point, theyíre not very far behind you.

KW: Oh.

NP: Aimi Macdonald will you begin the second round for us, and the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you is the superior sex. Can you talk to us about the superior sex for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: The superior sex is of course the female sex. Because weíre so much cleverer and so much more capable than the male sex...

BUZZ

NP: Peter challenged, Peter challenged, why have you Jones?

PJ: Well Iím very sorry, Iím sorry to stop her. But she did repeat much. She said much twice, you see.

NP: Yes she did, yes.

PJ: You heard that.

NP: Yes well all right. Occasionally one has to be accurate. If she repeats a word, then one has to be fair. And there are 52 seconds on the superior sex starting now.

PJ: Well I donít think there is such a thing. I think they are complementary like...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement, Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Two I thinks.

NP: Yes there were two thinks so weíre being tougher now. Forty-seven seconds on the superior sex with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: It is unquestionably the male sex! There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind about that! (laughs)

BUZZ

AM: (laughs) Hesitation.

NP: Yes or repetition of hahaha.

AM: Yes!

KW: Well I was sort of sitting there and I thought it was so right. I just fell about because I was so right, you know what I mean?

NP: Yes. Last time Aimi had it, she told us something that she thought was so right and she fell about.

KW: Mmmm.

NP: And you got her on that one and she got you on this one. Aimi the subject is the superior sex, you have 38 seconds starting now.

AM: Women can do so much more. I mean they can have babies, they can cook, look after houses and they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why have you challenged?

CF: I agree with Aimi!

NP: So what does that mean?

CF: I want her to have another point.

NP: Because I artfully took you up in the first round and snatched a point from you for Aimi, you want to deliberately give her one this time. All right, Kenneth, Clement...

CF: Because she can cook!

NP: She can cook, ah thatís the reason you are giving her a point, are you? Donít please give each other too many points, it makes the game too impossible to judge. There are 30 seconds on the superior sex still with you Aimi having gained another point with the help of Clement Freud, starting now.

AM: On top of that they have so much more integrity. They actually make the male sex believe that they are the superior ones when in actual fact they are not. And that in itself is quite a feat. So that makes the female sex much more cleverer! And I think (laughs)....

BUZZ

AM: Iíve dome it again!

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you, yes Clement, what is your challenge?

CF: Just um...

NP: You agree with ...

CF: You name it!

AM: Youíre absolutely right!

NP: Yes! Well all right, I agree with your challenge on this occasion and you have a point and there are 13 seconds left, the superior sex starting now.

CF: An American gentleman who I met on a Boeing 747 crossing the Atlantic gave me...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PJ: Because itís nothing to do with the superior sex. It may be a superior airline but it isnít anything to do with a superior sex. His story...

NP: He probably was about to go on and prove the point, but I must say the way he started didnít convince me that he was about to make any point about the superior sex.

PJ: No it didnít...

NP: I wouldnít go on Peter, because Iím leaning your way on this one...

PJ: Ah!

NP: I give you a point and six seconds left starting now.

PJ: And if you can examine both sexes closely and thoroughly...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: Thereís no need for filth! We donít want a lot of filth!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So what is your challenge Kenneth?

KW: Deviation, deviation, undoubtedly deviation! Most devious!

NP: Well why? Why is it most devious?

KW: Because weíre here to discuss the superior sex, not the close examination of both!

NP: Maybe by the close examination of both you will find out which is the superior one. Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you have half a second starting now.


PJ: Itís wonderful...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones now has a very definite lead at the end of that round. A lead of two over Aimi, Clement and Kenneth who are all equal in second place. Peter Jones weíre going to hear from you again because itís your turn to begin the next round. The subject just simply uncle. Will you talk about uncle for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Yes I had a favourite one. And during the war, when cinemas offered half-price seats to servicemen, he went wearing his bowler hat and carrying his umbrella to the box office at the Empire Cinema and said ďhalf price, secret serviceĒ and was admitted. And he also was able to get into places like the Royal Enclosure at Ascot by giving the policeman on the gate a five pound note and saying ďput this on my horse in the 3.00Ē. And he didnít have a horse, of course. But...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of the two horses, he didnít have.

NP: (laughs) A devious thought, dropping the fiver to the police. Clement I agree with your challenge of repetition. So you gain a point and the subject, and there are 25 seconds left starting now.

CF: Colloquially the word uncle means...

BUZZ


NP: Aimi Macdonald why have you challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Oh I donít think so, Aimi, no. Clement was generous to you a little while ago, so I think...

AM: He said the word... uncle.

PJ: Oh do that again! Very good that! Very good!

NP: It didnít sound very much like Clement Freud! I think that he didnít really hesitate...

AM: It was timing.

PJ: Timing, yes.

AM: Not enough?

NP: Not enough, no, to gain you a point Aimi. So we leave it to Clement and there are 21 seconds left for uncle, Clement, starting now.

CF: Means a pawn shop or broker. Up and down the City Road, in and out the... wherever...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

CF: Thatís the way the money goes...

PJ: Hesitation.

CF: Pop goes the weasel!

NP: I would agree with that hesitation Peter, there are 13 and a half seconds on uncle starting now.

PJ: In and out the Eagle of course, which was a public house in that area, frequented by the poor people who worked in that neighbourhood. And they were often short of money and took their...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones cleverly kept going by substituting a different word as he went along which is one of the real arts of this game which Clement Freud shows us so well on occasions. So Peter you still have the lead, youíre one point ahead of Clement whoís crept up. And Kenneth Williams and Aimi Macdonald are both equal in third place. And Kenneth, your turn to begin, the subject trivia. Would you talk on trivia for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well itís a collection of very small and unimportant things. And I have got a number of those. Iíve got a little chamber pot, and Iíve got a little whale. Thatís a souvenir of a rather charming occasion when I was in a play called Moby Dick. And Iíll always remember the opening night. I had a very long scene to play, and the director, also the leading actor, leant forward and said ďget off!Ē And of course the whole thing was cut, you see. So I went off and stood in the wings feeling very woe begone and wan. And another artist said ďwhat are you doing here? Havenít you got that long scene?Ē And I said ďyes, he just said get offĒ. He said ďno! Did he?Ē I said ďyes, isnít it awful!Ē And we were both laughing and then he suddenly said ďoh dear, itís me, isnít it.Ē I said :yes of course it is, youíre onĒ. And so on he ran. It was too late, of course, you see! And he had all these lines about the black and the white of my hand in mine...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you at last. Yes Aimi?

AM: (laughs) Deviation.

NP: Why?

AM: Well heís talking, heís talking about oh everything really but trivia.

KW: It is trivia, the whole thing! Of course it is!

NP: Yes, even all the deviations and repetitions and er...

AM: Everything yes!

KW: It was all trivia, dear! Itís all trivia. Thatís what it all was! (laughs)

NP: I suppose, yes, thatís quite a clever interpretation of trivia. So Aimi, a good challenge...

KW: She should have challenged on repetition, shouldnít she, really.

NP: Yes.

KW: Yes thatís what she should have done, of course.

NP: Yes but er I think...

PJ: You were being generous werenít you.

AM: Yes.

PJ: Yes I thought you were, you were overlooking it.

AM: Yes!

NP: Because she wanted to encourage him, thatís very kind Aimi, youíre playing it like the chaps now. Well done! So youíve got a point for an incorrect challenge and three seconds for your trivia starting now.

KW: Now there is wood shavings which come in very handy for...

WHISTLE

NP: The Kenneth Williams Fan Club in the front row here are cheering like mad. And um they... they were delighted when Kenneth was speaking as the whistle went because he got the extra point. And heís leapt forward... into third place! And the subject is back with Aimi, last nights. So can you talk for 60 seconds on that subject starting now.

AM: In my diary this morning, I wrote down that last night was rather a pleasant one for me. I started off by going to the theatre in not very much traffic. I got there in plenty of good time. I sat putting my makeup off, on. Relaxing with a cigarette at the same time. And then I went on stage to a lovely audience who loved everything I did. And everybody in the cast was so happy and it really was a really very nice night. Afterwards I was picked up by a very nice gentleman... oh sorry, thatís not right!

BUZZ

AM: (laughs) That sounded terrible!

NP: I think Peter saved you!

AM: Yes!

NP: You shouldnít reveal your pickups really!

AM: Yes that was wrong!

NP: Yes! We donít know that was wrong! If you say it was wrong, itís only your memory of the situation! We don;t know what happened Aimi!

AM: No!

NP: Was it wrong?

AM: Somebody buzzed me.

PJ: Yes I did, I wanted to save you any further embarrassment!

NP: Yes! So before Aimi you tell us how wrong you were, weíll give Peter Jones a point and the subject with 26 seconds left on last nights starting now.

PJ: It was mild for the night of the year, uneventful as far as I was concerned as I didnít do very much. I had a drink about six and then moseyed round to some neighbours where we spent a couple of hours congratulating each other on the rise of the property in our area. And some young people came and they started groaning about the rise in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: The rise, repetition.

NP: Well everythingís rising these days, I suppose itís... but Iím afraid you canít repeat the word twice in Just A Minute. So Peter, Clement has a correct challenge and a point and two seconds...

KW: Scintillating evening though, you spent really! Got me going over here, I can tell you!

NP: But he did keep going on the subject, didnít he! So two seconds with you Clement Freud, last nights starting now.

CF: Last night I kept going on the subject...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point, and has now crept up a little on Peter Jones. Peter your turn to begin, the subject is topsy turvey. Can you talk to us on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: well it means er turning something upside down. Like Samuel Butler in his book Erewan which is... everywhere...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís nowhere.

PJ: Nowhere, thatís right. yes.

NP: Nowhere.

PJ: And so am I!

NP: Actually that was pretty obvious Peter, that you were nowhere. The thing is of course you could have wriggled out of it by saying the book was everywhere. Too late.

PJ: Ah yes.

NP: Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 47 seconds on topsy turvey starting now.

CF: In a topsy turvey world, Aimi Macdonald would not only be King, but would speak for minutes on end without giggling, would rule the Conservatives with a rod of iron, and amuse the Labour Party at the same time. A topsy turvey existence is very much what many people need beyond or else. Humour, idiocy...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Um hesitation.

NP: Yes after idiocy, he dried up completely, didnít he? So Aimi I agree with your challenge and you have a point and 21 seconds on topsy turvey starting now.

AM: When my cupboards get topsy turvey, I get everything out and I start all over again. It can take an awful long time actually to everything back in order. Because usually the paper bags everything is falling out of gets all...

WHISTLE

NP: So that dissertation on Aimi Macdonaldís topsy turvey life has taken her into third place behind Clement Freud, whoís one point behind our leader who is still Peter Jones. And the next subject is with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject which we have now is what I shall do with my beard when I have finished with it. Clement can you talk on that long subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The question what I shall do with my beard when I have finished with it is one that supposes that I am going to finish with it, a supposition which I honestly do not envisage...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, if he canít envisage it, donít discuss it! Shut your mouth up and let somebody else go! Ludicrous!

NP: Well the thing is you see Kenneth, and I have to be accurate on this, especially when we have a tight contest. After all, as long as you keep going on the subject and not deviate from the subject on the card...

KW: Ah I was helping him out! He was obviously fading into oblivion! I could see it!

NP: Well he keeps the subject because itís an incorrect challenge. His oblivion may arrive, you never know, any moment. There are 46 seconds on what I shall do with my beard when I have finished with it Clement starting now.

CF: I shall, I suppose, although this is unlikely to happen, grip a razor in my left hand, stretch my face with the right, and in a few brisk strokes remove from my chin and upper face such stubble...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: His beard isnít on his upper face, thatís his forehead!

NP: Thatís a very clever challenge, yes. So Aimi you have a point and the subject and there are 28 seconds on what I shall do with my beard when I have finished with it starting now.

AM: If it was a very thick one, I would probably send it to a shop and get it made up into a hairpiece. It would be so practical actually. (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth has challenged, why?

KW: Well because she just tailed away! I mean hesitation of the worst kind.

NP: Well I donít know if of the worst kind, the most enchanting kind. She was quite overcome with the thought of her, her beard being turned into a hairpiece! So Kenneth you helped her out there, you have the subject, and there are 16 seconds left on what I shall do with my hairpiece when I have finished with it starting now.

KW: Well should the situation arise, I would remove it and make of this remnant a rather delightful and embroidered pincushion. And people could say when Iím showing them this, you stick your pins into here...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth was speaking then when the whistle went, gained the extra point and heís still in third place, Aimiís one point behind...

KW: How is it Iím doing all this and Iím getting nothing! Itís a swindle isnít it! What about people! Oh!

NP: I must point out to the listeners that all that was brought about by the fact that Kenneth wouldnít believe what was going on, he left his chair to look at the score that Ian Messiter keeps, and Aimi Macdonald, your turn to begin. The subject, daydreams, would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Daydreams can be very relaxing things and a lot of people often do it. I used to do it very much when I was at school. Um, and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well the um, I presume was a hesitation.

NP: Yes and the do it was a bit repetitious too, wasnít it. She did an awful lot of it at school, apparently. Kenneth, you, hesitation, I mean the repetition of um gives you the subject and a point, there are 49 seconds left with you Kenneth starting now.

KW: They are much the same as any other dreams except that they do occur during the daytime. (singling out each syllable and enunciating it in a high pitched whispered mumble so that it becomes almost unintelligible) And wish fulfilment plays a large part in the picture which they create. And people have often said that you are the age of sparcus with wax or stuff in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely is a hallucinatory experience as opposed to say a very sane vision of the future, could be had...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Repetition.

NP: What of?

PJ: Repetition of (does remarkably good and screamingly funny impression of KWís high pitched mumbled whispered syllable singling)

LOUD LONG LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well that challenge made Kenneth leap up and take his jacket off! Itís obvious that the audience are in complete agreement with Peterís challenge. It was not only a clever challenge but also Kenneth was speaking so quietly I think he deserves to lose it really. So Peter the audience are with you, you have the subject and a point and there are 24 seconds left for day dreams starting now.

PJ: Put me in mind of that wonderful show called Wake Up And Dream. Because they are, as Kenneth rightly said in midst the hesitation and deviation and repetition...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why? Why?

CF: You canít rightly say something with all those...

PJ: In the midst of it, I said!

CF: And he got a challenge so it couldnít have been rightly said by Kenneth Williams.

NP: No, you see, we did establish that he was hesitating, I mean heís repetiting... repetiting! He was being repetitious...

KW: There ought to be that word, repetiting, itís very nice!

PJ: Yes, that does really describe what you were doing!

KW: Thank you very much! Youíre very nice! Have a dane! Get him down!

NP: Weíve completely lost the challenge now! Um, Peter was saying that...

CF: Yes.

NP: ... in Kennethís dissertation which included repetition and hesitation and deviation, which could well be impossible because nobody could hear exactly what he said here, even if the listeners did. Peter Jones I disagree with Clementís challenge, so you have a point and you have 13 seconds on daydreams starting now.

PJ: There are various ways in which one can encourage these daydreams to appear. Like going to the cinema or outside in the open air, looking very hard at the clouds and trying to...

WHISTLE

NP: And so it now remains for me to give you the final score at the end of this edition of Just A Minute. Itís a very very even score. Aimi Macdonald was only one point, sheís in fourth place with that, but only one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was only one point behind Clement Freud. But he was at the end of that last round a few points behind Peter Jones who leapt into the lead to become this weekís winner! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of is here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.