ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you. Thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I am pleased to welcome back after a short break Sheila Hancock, who has come back again to play Just A Minute in the fourth chair against our three regular male competitors of the game. And just to remind you if you donít already know it, Iím going to ask each one to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, without deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin this week with Peter Jones. Peter, the first subject we want you to talk about this week is fiddlesticks. Thatís a nice subject to begin the show with. So Peter, can you talk to us for 60 seconds about that starting now.

PETER JONES: Bosh, eyewash, balderdash are euphemisms for rubbish. And they have a kind of Victorian air about them. When people in those times wanted to silence someone, or wanted to indicate that they were boring the living daylights out of them, they used to utter one of these words. There are of course many others like fluff, thatís another one. And it isnít often used nowadays. Neither are these others because language has developed and become much more potent and more words are permitted...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: It was really a slip of my thumb, Iím sorry! He has said others and more so often, I...

NP: Yes I think we must be fair, Iíll give it to you this time. More, two mores. So Clement, correct challenge for repetition, you get a point for that and you have 20 seconds left on the subject of fiddlesticks starting now.

CF: The word fiddlesticks, quite apart from the... phrase...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think, it was a tough one, but I think just the benefit of the doubt this time Peter. You have a point for a correct challenge, 16 seconds...

CF: I paused between two words!

NP: But you paused long enough for me to consider it was hesitation.

CF: Really?

NP: Yes, yes, so Peter I agree with the challenge and you take the subject of fiddlesticks, 16 seconds starting now.

PJ: There are people who make violins, violas and even cellos out of matches and walking sticks, and I believe even out of human hair. Now if one of these instruments were made out of a stick, there...



NP: Ah Sheila challenged, just before the whistle.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Well I take it back!

NP: Itís too late Sheila, youíve got to say something now.

SH: Well he has said out of an awful lot, hasnít he. Out of matchsticks, out of human hair, out of... he said it every time.

NP: Well I didnít actually remember all that.

PJ: Why didnít you interrupt before then?

SH: Well because I thought Iíd give you the benefit of the doubt.

PJ: Oh itís no good being patronising!

NP: I think, I think, when thereís only half a second to go, Iím going to give...

SH: Yes!

NP: .... Peter the benefit of the doubt, Iíll tell you what, if he did say out of once or twice, we wonít charge anything for it. Weíll assume you didnít buzz and Peter gets the point for speaking when the whistle went! So at the end of that round Peter has a one point lead over Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. In fact Kenneth has yet to speak. So Kenneth, weíre going to hear from you now, and the subject that youíre going to start with is is Monday. Would you talk to us about Monday for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: You are certainly going to hear the truth! On Monday, I drove on a circuitous route, extremely dangerous one, which is used for training people in the Monte Carlo rally. And in the process saw two horrible jackdaws, all the way from the Haut Var all the way down, down, down...


NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Ah repetition?

NP: (laughs) I thought you were going to say hesitation or something. I thought they were very kind, they didnít challenge on the second down, they waited for a third one.

SH: Itís such a good story, I canít imagine him on that course.

NP: No, no, you were going down and down and down. Clement you challenged and I agree, and you have therefore 34 seconds left on Monday starting now.

CF: Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week, because that is the night my sweetheart and I used to dance cheek to cheek...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

CF: And Monday to Friday go fast, and another week has passed and Saturday night...

KW: Itís complete deviation because heís not discussing Monday, heís discussing other days.

NP: Heís discussing Saturday, yes...

CF: I wasnít!

NP: Well we couldnít hear it anyway, so...

CF: Well you must listen!

NP: I was listening...

KW: I heard Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week and all that stuff about my baby...

CF: Monday...

KW: It was nothing to do with Monday, and Iíd rather get back to me going down!

NP: I think you quite clearly established at the beginning that you were talking about saturday because you said Saturday was the loneliest night of the year and I therefore think...

CF: Of the year?

NP: ...Kennethís challenge is justified and he has 29 seconds now on Monday starting now.

KW: And eventually I reached the city of Draguignan which will be known to all the erudite among you as the legendary home of Clemenceau of France, one of the great Prime Ministers of that country. Oh he accompanied Lloyd George and...


NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: Is he deviating a bit? It doesnít seem to be much about Monday, does it?

NP: No, I donít know why you...

KW: It was on Monday in Draguignan which is the home of Clemenceau!

SH: Oh I know but...

KW: Thatís where I was! I went there on Monday!

NP: Yes you went there on Monday, but now weíre off about Lloyd George and Clemenceau...

KW: We had to look at his statue! Well thatís better than starting at the beginning which was about all my drip-dries and all that stuff.

NP: if youíd gone back to Monday and established it was only on a Monday you were doing this, I would have allowed it. But I disagree, I give it to Sheila, you have nine seconds on Monday starting now.

SH: My washing occupies most of that day. I put in the machine and stand and watch it going round. And then I hang it out on the line and...


NP: Sheila, at the end of that round you have leapt into the lead...

SH: Oh?

NP: ...alongside Peter Jones and Clement Freud. And Sheila Hancock it is your turn to begin and the subject is whitewash. Would you talk to us on whitewash for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: A long while ago, this was something I was quite fond of. I liked the look of white walls. But one day I woke up and felt as though I was living inside a deep freeze. And I went out and I bought a lot of paper and covered the whitewash. However if you want to engage in doing this sort of thing, I will tell you how to start. You get a sort of brush thing that rolls backwards and forwards, pour your paint into a little tray and rub it up and down the wall. It is rather dodgy however when you get to the ceiling because itís apt to drop on your hair. The thing to do is to wear a large hat. Another form of whitewashing is when people...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Itís not a good idea to wear a large hat, because you canít see the ceiling that youíre painting if you wear a large hat.

SH: You donít have to see it, to know itís there.

KW: You could wear a large hat like a mitre and youíd still see the ceiling.

SH: You donít need to see it anyway because you still know where it is! Itís above you! You just do that, you see, with your hat, down, donít look at it.

NP: Now we know why Sheila decided to change the whitewash in her house! Because of the mess that she made!

KW: There was a young lady from Ealing
Who walked upside down on the ceiling!

NP: I donít wish to hear that...

KW: She picked her nose
and said ďthen I suppose
itís a very peculiar feelingĒ.


NP: Well after that little, that little interlude, ladies and gentlemen, I have to announce that Sheila Hancock gets a point for an incorrect challenge...

SH: Yes! Quite right!

NP: ...keeps the subject of whitewash, she has 22 seconds left...

SH: Oh my God!

NP: ...starting now.

SH: Have I really?


NP: Peter Jones...

SH: Oh you didnít say go, did you?

NP: No, I said now.

SH: Oh I didnít hear.

NP: Peter Jones got in.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes very long hesitation.

SH: I was waiting for you to say go.

NP: Actually you spoiled your chances because you said ďohĒ like that as I said now...

SH: While you were saying now, yes.

NP: Peter Iíve got to be fair, you get a point for a correct challenge

SH: I donít really regret...

NP: Shut up Sheila! There are 19 seconds left on whitewash starting now.

PJ: You can use a brush and a bucket, thatís the only equipment you need. And gallons of this stuff...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Ah deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: A brush and a bucket is not all you need!


NP: You do need some whitewash as well Peter! And Clement Freud has the subject of whitewash and there are 14 seconds left starting now.

CF: In the game of darts where each team tries to score 301...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Deviation, nothing to do with whitewash. A game of darts!

NP: Yes well this is always my problem. If they do start off very definitely on another subject, how do I know when theyíre going to get to the subject on the card?

PJ: Well heís only got nine seconds from the start! So itís...

NP: So I think Iím going to give you the benefit of the doubt there.

CF: Oh come on!

NP: I think youíve got to establish...

CF: Whitewash is a darts term!

NP: Is it?

CF: Yes!

NP: Well Iím ignorant of darts.

CF: If youíve never heard if it, it is a darts term!

PJ: Youíll get letters about this, you know! I shall be writing most of them!

NP: I think a few darts players will be writing and sending in their points. Therefore...


SH: Poor Nick!

NP: Donít be sick in the audience!

PJ: I think if you donít know...

NP: There was a young lady from Ealing, who walked... Right, Clement Freud, you have a whitewashed point there and there are 11 seconds on the subject starting now.

CF: When one team has won a game before the other has started, it is called a whitewash. And it is incredibly ignominious to the loser who has to go to the bar and buy drinks for players...


NP: It just shows you, to be chairman in this game you have to be up on absolutely everything. Now Clement Freud at the end of that round, you have gained a very commanding lead over Sheila Hancock and Peter Jones who are equal in second place. And they are just a little ahead of Kenneth who is in fourth place. And Peter Jones it is your turn to begin and the subject is noughts and crosses. Can you go on that subject or discourse on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well you need two players at least, and some paper and pencil...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: You donít need two players, I play it on my own! Truly I do!

NP: Thatís very devious!

SH: I try to forget what Iíve done and I do it very quickly!

NP: Well actually Sheila...

PJ: Well I think schizophrenia is a very delicate subject! And I shouldnít like to introduce it!


NP: Iím inclined to give you a bonus point for that answer actually Peter.

PJ: Well thank you very much.

NP: Actually Iím going to give you a point because I disagree with Sheilaís challenge, and there are 54 seconds left on noughts and crosses starting now.

PJ: You draw two horizontal lines and then you draw two vertical ones...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Repetition, you draw, you draw.

NP: Yes, you draw, you draw, two... and you canít have two lots of drawers in this game! It becomes not only repetition but almost deviation. Kenneth you have the subject of noughts and crosses and there are 47 seconds left starting now.

KW: A nought signifies of course nothing. And the cross generally means multiplication. Now Iím very good at all this. And when Iím in shops and they say ďgood gracious, what a lot Iíve got to add up here! I donít know how Iím going to manage!Ē I always say ďjust pass it over to me, dear! Iíll get the old brain working on it!Ē And within no time at all, I give them the answer! I have been referred to as a sort of universal calculator! Within (Unwinese gibberish) with wax in the eardrobe in order to pass the siren safely, and all of this can be...


NP: (laughs) Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, heís talking rubbish!

NP: He generally is! And it sounds like rubbish!

SH: And Iíve heard him referred to as a lot of things, but not as whatever he said it was!

NP: Yes as a human calculator! I thought that was pretty devious!

SH: Yes!

NP: I bet nobody in a shop has ever said to Kenneth Williams...

SH: You are a human calculator!

NP: You are a human calculator! No, I disagree with that! Sheila you have eight seconds for noughts and crosses starting now.

SH: You do need pencils or pens with which to fill in...


NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Weíve had all this! You need pencils and pens and youíve got to draw it!

SH: I havenít!

KW: Really!

NP: We have actually Kenneth, but we havenít had it from Sheila.

SH: No.

NP: Sheila I disagree with the challenge so you have four seconds left on noughts and crosses starting now.

SH: And you make your noughts going across on a diagonal or...


NP: Noughts going across on a diagonal! Sheila Hancock has leapt forward at the end of that round into a very definite second place behind Clement Freud. Peterís now definitely in second place and Kenneth is now definitely in fourth place. And Kenneth itís your turn to begin. And the subject, Iím sure Ianís thought of it specially for you is Quintus Horatius Flaccus Horace. And we donít want to talk about...

KW: Flak-sus!

SH: What?

NP: Flak-sus?

KW: Two Cís dear!

NP: Thereís two Cs but I still pronounce it as Flakus.

KW: Well youíre wrong!

NP: Surely Flak-sus would be F-L-A-C-S-U-S.

KW: Well then why should A-C-C in accident be akkident then?

NP: Iím not an etymologist...

CF: Why isnít Flaccus the God of wine?

KW: (full speed) there was a young lady in Ealing, who walked upside down on the ceiling (tails off into unintelligible high speed gibberish)

NP: Youíve given me the answer, it was the young lady from Ealing, she had an accident.

KW: Thatís it! Thatís it!

NP: Yes! But Iím not an etymologist and Iíve no doubt it is to do with the fact that accident is derived from the Latin. Now Kenneth would you talk on this character for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well like a friend, familiarly convey, the nicest truths in the easiest way, was a compliment paid by our own poet, Pope, to this gentleman, Horace. Who was of course a Roman. And it is said forebears were slaves. So you see, he...


NP: Clement, Clement Freud, youíve challenged. Why?

CF: Bears canít be slaves! Itís deviation.

NP: He didnít say that, did he?

CF: Four bears were slaves!


CF: Would be Momma Bear, Poppa Bear...

KW: You canít help laughing, can you!

NP: You canít help admiring his ingenuity. So what we do is we give him a bonus point for a clever challenge. But leave the subject with Kenneth Williams, he didnít deviate from the subject on the card of Quintus Horatius something else Horace starting now.

KW: Well he was the friend of the Emperor. Of course not always the Emperor in his lifetime...


NP: Clement Freud got in first.

CF: Repetition of Emperor.

NP: Yes, I saw all their fingers go on their buzzers but Clementís eliminated the other two because the first one to press eliminates the other buzzers, you know, if you wanted to know that. Glad youíre so... Twenty-eight seconds are left for Quintus Horatius Flaccus Horace, Clement starting now.

CF: In the pursuit of my classical studies both at preparatory schools and in later times in my education, I never knew...


NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation, we donít want all this biographical rubbish about his schooling! The subject is Horace, not his prep school!

NP: Well actually I must be fair. You see, I do happen to know he had a classical education. So obviously Horace probably came into it somewhere. So I donít think, even at this stage, he was deviating from the subject on the card Kenneth. So he gets a point for a wrong challenge and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

CF: I plan to refer to the poet Horace as Quintus Horatius Flaccus Horace because it took up more time! And lessons in those days, youíll recall...


NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, weíre still on the subject of his schooling. not on the subject of Horace.

NP: No, he said that he, he, he was er...

KW: Taking up more time to pronounce his name, yes!

NP: Yes! Heís being very clever, isnít he!

PJ: Not considering the education heís had, I donít think he is!

KW: Weíve not had a mention of the Hexameters! Weíve not had a mention of the Ithorsord or the Pistles or any of the Odes! Heís just being going on about his prep school!

CF: You keep buzzing me!

KW: We donít want to hear about that, do we?

CF: I wanted to talk about heroic couplets, you keep buzzing me!

KW: Oh sorry! (kisses CF)

NP: At last! Iím so delighted I didnít have to do it! Clement and Kenneth have made it up, theyíve kissed and made up. So Clement you have the subject, five seconds left starting now.

CF: The Latin language lends itself terribly well to the heroic couplets...


NP: So Clement Freud did really very cleverly keep going on Horace in that round. And I have to be fair and accurate and so he has leapt right forward and leaven the other three somewhat behind. Clement Freud weíre back with you, playing the market. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Quintus Horatius Flaccus Horace...


NP: (laughs) Kenneth Williams.

KW: It is grave deviation! I am simply not having it! Iím not going to sit here idle while people just go round and round the subject! I mean whatís Horace got to do with playing the market?

NP: Well he probably played the market in Roman times for all we know.

KW: Get out of it! He was a poet on the Sabine farm.

NP: Well, that means that Clement Freud considers himself a bit of a poet and he plays the market. Ladies and gentlemen weíll let you with your superior intelligence and knowledge and wisdom be the final judge. I must be fair. Clement, Kenneth did challenge very very rapidly before Clement had a chance to establish anything. But if you agree with Kennethís challenge, you can boo, which means Kenneth gets the point. But if you disagree with his challenge, you cheer and you all do it together now.


NP: I think... Quiet! All right, the boos have it. Kenneth theyíre on your side, they obviously want to hear about, from you about playing the market, you have a point and 55 seconds for the subject starting now.

KW: Well, the last time I played the market, I got a wonderful reception. In fact they made me a present of Mornington Crescent, and threw it, a brick at a time. I was an enormous success in markets in Malaya and India and of course, let us not forget the new and red area of China. Well I was an enormous success...


NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: Deviation, I just donít believe all this.

NP: You mean you donít believe he was a great success in the markets of red China?

SH: Not really, no.

NP: Nor do I!


NP: Peter Jones, what do you want to say?

PJ: Well I know somebody who actually saw his performance and it embarrasses me to go into it! Iíd rather not say anything actually! I wonít say a word! Thatís the best thing! The most discreet thing I can do is to button up and be absolutely silent about it!

NP: As you have been for the last five minutes, Peter.

PJ: Yes.

NP: But nice to have heard from you. All right, weíll give you the benefit of the doubt, because it appears, thanks to Peter Jonesís verification, that you did play in the market there. So you have 35 seconds on the markets of, no, playing the market starting now.

KW: I have found them so honest in Cairo. And when I was there in 1956, I left my wristwatch on the lamppost. And the other bloke said that when you went back was it still there? And I was supposed to say ďno the lamppost wasnít, but the watch wasĒ. And I said ďthe lamppost was, and the watch wasnítĒ which was very funny...


KW: ... but it ruined his work, you see...


KW: and he had this guilt and the makeup...

NP: Yes. There was a young lady of Ealing. Sheila you have challenged.

SH: Deviation, that isnít anything to do with playing the market, is it?

NP: Oh why donít you have him on repetition? He said the...

SH: Repetition! Yes thatís what I meant!

NP: I think I agree actually. I agree, even on deviation, that heís not playing the market now, heís fooling about in the marketplace.

SH: Yes.

NP: Sheila Iím with you on this one, you have a point and you have 14 seconds on playing the market starting now.

SH: Taking it in the sense that you mean the stock market, I am singularly unsuccessful at this. Iíve only ventured it twice, and both times the firm went bankrupt. So therefore my bank manager said to me ďwill you do me a favour and not...Ē


NP: Well everybody gained points in that round except Clement Freud but heís still very much in the lead. Sheila your turn to begin, the subject is sweetpeas. Will you talk to us on that delightful subject for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: These are the ones that come straight from the pod in the early pickings. And they really are sweet. And to make them even more so, you add a drop of sugar with the mint when you boil them. Also they are a most adorable flower with a perfume that is unbelievable. At the moment in the country, theyíre all blooming and itís a lovely sight. Theyíre all colours of the rainbow, and...


NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Theyíre not.

NP: What?

CF: All colours of the rainbow.

SH: No.

NP: No, I donít think they are all colours. I donít think theyíre blooming now either Sheila.

SH: They are!

KW: (sings) Sweetpeas are blooming in Gloucestershire, looking up in the evening dew...

NP: Right, there was a young lady who walked on her greenhouse ceiling. Clement I agree with your challenge, the subject is sweetpeas, you have 31 seconds left starting now.

CF: Sweetpeas are flowers which are very seldom given to people as buttonholes. Because orchids, daffodils and rhododendrons are considered more suitable. I find this...


NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Absolute rubbish! Of course they arenít! Rhododendrons arenít suitable for buttonholes! Whoever thought they were!

NP: Whoever heard of a rhododendron in a buttonhole? If a sweetpeaís not suitable, certainly a rhododendron isnít!

CF: It depends on the button.

NP: It depends on the hole too, a great deal.

KW: ( singing in the background)

CF: Nick, are you challenging me?

NP: Yes! No I agree with Peter Jonesís challenge...

KW: It depends on your proclivities!

CF: The programme is breaking up, have you noticed?

NP: Ages ago, ages ago it broke up!

CF: Are you on my side?

NP: I wasnít aware actually at that particular moment that Kenneth Williams was actually speaking rather quietly in one of his character voices. If the listeners at home heard him, I apologise for speaking together, but weíll just carry on as best we can. Clement I agree with Peterís challenge so he gets the subject of sweetpeas and there are 20 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Sweetpeas were, believe it or not, first cultivated in Wem in Shropshire where I was born, by a firm called Eckfords Florists. Theyíre out of business now so Iím not advertising them. And they made the mistake of selling seconds which they distributed very cheaply and then everybody in the world wanted...


NP: Well Peter Jones was speaking at the end of that round, so he gained the extra point and alas, with sweetpeas we have to wind up the show, because we have no more time. To tell you the final result, Kenneth Williams was only just in fourth place, one point behind Peter Jones who just went into third place again on the last round. He was two points behind Sheila Hancock, who was quite a number of points behind this weekís undoubted winner Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time, until then from all of us here good-bye!


ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.