JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 24 October 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And itís a great pleasure to welcome back Aimi Macdonald whoís going to try and pit her wits and her ability against these three experienced male and regular players of the game. And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement would you talk to us on my opinion for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: It is my opinion that this game called Just A Minute is being run entirely the wrong way. To begin with, the panellists should be far better and more serious people. But even leaving that aside, the audience here is an absolute disgrace. They leap, they become here...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Deviation, this is a disgrace! Heís supposed to speak on the subject of my opinion and heís libelling this lovely house! I mean, look at them!

NP: Well...

KW: Lovely house! Theyíre beautiful people! Theyíre all glowing here with welcome and goodwill written over them! And I think itís a disgrace that he should libel them!

NP: Well I have to give the decision to Clement Freud, so...

KW: Thank you very much indeed! So itís my subject...

NP: No!

KW: Well I...

NP: Kenneth! While I agree with you wholeheartedly about our audience and maybe it is tactless to malign them in that way, Clement Freud was not deviating from my opinion because that was his opinion. So he gains a point for a wrong challenge, keeps the subject with 40 seconds to go. My opinion Clement starting now.

CF: It is my opinion that a studio audience should wear black shoes, sombre socks, dark shirts and a tie befitting of the seriousness of this occasion...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Um, itís, well...

NP: Itís deviation.

AM: Yes, thatís what it is.

NP: Because itís not a serious show.

AM: Exactly! Exactly!

NP: Well done Aimi Macdonald...

AM: Thatís what I was going to say.

NP: ...you have a point for a correct challenge and you have 29 seconds on my opinion Aimi starting now.

AM: Well my opinion doesnít normally hold much weight. One day a friend of mine came to me and said ďLook, Iíve got to go to this wedding, and Iíve got to find a hat.Ē And she thought, for some strange unknown reason I would know all about hats. So I said to Lavinia, that was her name, ďokay Iíll come with youĒ. So we both set off one day to look for this er thing you put on your...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. How mean can you...

KW: Yes! Ungallant, wasnít it! Ungallant! There she was, she was in the middle of her flow, wasnít she!

AM: And I was trying to...

KW: She was just getting under way!

NP: We were all with her as she searched...

KW: I donít know how you could do that Clement! I donít know honestly how you could do that!

CF: I did it quite easily!

KW: Oh!

NP: And so Clement, whatever we feel about your challenge, it was a correct one and so you take the subject back and there are five seconds to go on my opinion starting now.

CF: It is my opinion that there ought to be more beautiful people here...

WHISTLE

NP: How to alienate an audience and get them to clap at the same time! Well as you know when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point and in spite of the boos it was Clement Freud. Clement you have a lead at the end of the first round. And Kenneth Williams, you begin the next round, the subject, nosey parkers. The audience seem to like the idea of that subject with you Kenneth so will you go on it for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: The man who gave his name to this expression was renowned in a place called Derra Doone or Dunne, depending on how we interpret the signs or hieroglyphics on the appropriate piece of paper or ivory card, as itís known in the trade. This place is in the United Provinces, in the northern part of India. And I had the privilege of serving there with Her Majestyís Forces, and therefore heard about this man...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They were His Majestyís Services, at the time that Kenneth Williams...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A very clever... youíve already got a partisan audience! Theyíre cheering you for...

KW: Youíre not going to allow that, are you Nicholas? Youíre not going to allow that, are you? Youíre not going to allow that?

NP: I... Heís come out of his seat to intimidate me! Physically intimidate me listeners! I have to agree with a correct challenge and say that Clement Freud has a point and the subject, and there are 27 seconds on nosey parkers Clement starting now.

CF: In the sixth row of the audience, there is one particular nosey parker, whose name it would be very wrong to disclose. But as soon as I came in, she looked at...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PETER JONES: Well heís not talking about nosey parkers in the plural. He has chosen one particular nosey parker in the audience...

NP: Peter itís a subtle challenge, but the point is if the subjectís in the plural, itís obvious that you can take a singular version of it.

PJ: Itís obvious?

NP: Yes I think so.

PJ: Yes I see. Well why is it a subtle challenge, if itís obvious?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Hear hear! Very good!

NP: I suppose the thought was subtle but the challenge was not. Clement Freud you are with nosey parker still and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

CF: Does your mother take in washing? Has she sold her mangle?

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, this is nothing to do with the subject!

NP: All right Kenneth...

KW: Does your mother take in washing? Itís total deviation.

NP: Well itís the sort of remark a nosey parker might make.

KW: Nonsense, a nosey parker does not question in that fashion.

NP: Well...

KW: A nosey parker endeavours to find out what your business is...

NP: And thatís what...

KW: ...and not what your motherís business is! Do you mind! Thank you! Thank you! Yes!

NP: All right you see...

KW: I mean, you canít get your words out, can you! I hadnít got it out, had I!

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: You went straight in there...

NP: If I let you get all your words out, nobody else would ever speak on this programme Kenneth!

KW: Oh! Youíre painting a most unfair picture!

NP: The point is...

KW: Now come...

NP: ... you can, in trying to be fair as I have to be, you can say that by enquiring about your motherís business, you could also be a nosey parker in a subtle way and finding out about your business. And you were saying a nosey parker is a little bit more subtle. Iíll tell you what Iíll do as youíve given me an impossible decision to make. I will be fair and put it to this audience...

CF: No, I should give it to him. I know what the audience is like!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You now realise Clement, that perhaps it doesnít always pay to alienate your audience.

CF: It never ever pays!

NP: Well letís just see, shall we? Do you agree with Kenneth Williamsís challenge? If you agree with Kenneth, cheer. And all the rest, boo. And do it all together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre 100 percent behind Kenneth Williams. So Kenneth you have the subject, 13 seconds on nosey, sorry, 14 seconds on nosey parkers starting now.

KW: This gentleman, as I say, made my acquaintance, er so to speak...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes but, but as he, er, yes, all right, it was so close! Weíll give him the benefit of the doubt and leave it with Kenneth Williams on this occasion and tell him that he has nine seconds on nosey parkers starting now.

KW: He said ďwould you care to drink with me a caruise ginĒ, which is not the same as any kind that is manufactured or made as Clement Freud would perhaps prefer me to...

WHISTLE

KW: Yes! Now Iím in the lead! Go on! Admit it! Oh come out with it! Iím in the lead, arenít I!

NP: Youíre behind Clement Freud.

KW: Oh!

NP: So we go on to the next round. Peter Jones your turn to begin. The story I have never told anyone. Would you talk about that for just one minute starting now.

PJ: Yes well, I think it is high time that I revealed it. It began in the ladiesí cloakroom at Broadcasting House...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Ah deviation, he wouldnít be in the ladiesí cloakroom, would he?

NP: That would be very devious if he was.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes. But he said the story began. Oh he said he was there, did he?

AM: He was in the...

NP: Well that is utterly devious!

PJ: Well thatís why, thatís why Iíve never told it before!

NP: Well Peter, of course we realise thatís the reason youíve never told it before. But I must agree with Aimi, it is a devious situation and a devious thought. And therefore...

PJ: I donít think itís devious within the meaning of the ...

NP: The subject is the story I never told anyone, so therefore it is, you know, it is very difficult. You see my problem, donít you.

PJ: Yes you just give me a bonus point and tell me to get on with it!

AM: Shall I take my challenge back?

NP: No you donít take it back, itís a wrong challenge. Itís a good challenge but incorrect Aimi. So Peter has a point for an incorrect challenge...

AM: Oh I see.

NP: He has 48 seconds on the story Iíve never told anyone starting now.

PJ: And I was joined by the BBC Northern Orchestra! And they said ďwhat are we going to do, a lady is coming up the stairs.Ē Well this placed me in a very embarrassing position. Fortunately the phone was working, so I dialled a number, wildly, not really being able to recall the particular digits which would connect me with the caretaker or the porter down in the reception hall which I happened to know was full of other orchestra players...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of orchestra.

NP: Yes what a pity!

PJ: Yes, pity really, yes.

NP: Very devious story, but Clement Freud got in with six minutes, seconds to go, on the story I have never told anyone starting now.

CF: It was on a Tuesday evening in Romaly Street in Peyton...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: I donít believe on any Tuesday evening in Romaly Street he was hanging about waiting for anything to happen!

NP: He might be every Tuesday in Romaly Street, you never know, do you?

KW: I just donít think it has the ring of truth about it! Iíve got to go on instinct! I donít work on...

NP: All right Kenneth! You may go on instinct but heís still not deviating from the subject...

KW: Do you mean to say youíre giving it to him?

NP: I have to be fair, the storyís...

KW: But thereís only a few seconds left! If you give it to me, I might leap into the lead!

NP: I know! Thatís what everybody thinks if they can get in just before the whistle goes. But Iím afraid it was a wrong challenge so Clement Freud has another point and he has the subject for another two seconds, the story Iíve never told anyone, starting now.

CF: Listen very carefully...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round with the unintentional aiding of others, Clement Freud has increased his lead over everybody else. Aimi Macdonald your turn to begin. A lovely subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you to talk on, being desirable. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: Well being desirable is rather a difficult thing to be, because you have to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter has challenged, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well I donít agree, I mean it quite obviously isnít!

AM: Just because you are desirable!

PJ: Oh thatís very sweet of you! Look, you can have my point any time you like!

NP: Sheís got a point for an incorrect challenge...

PJ: Yes!

NP: ...and she keeps it and there are 55 seconds on being desirable, Aimi, starting now.

AM: But there are times when you just, do you know that feeling? You just know that youíre desirable...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I take it back, I er...

NP: No, you challenged.

CF: Repetition of just, just just.

NP: Yes and I know and it was very, it was very unjust.

CF: I thought it was mean.

NP: It was very unjust, and as this is Just A Minute you can say just only in this round only. So thereís 50 seconds left on being desirable Aimi starting now.

AM: I mean there are days when you feel positively undesirable and thatís very bad. But then you get moments when you just know itís all happening. For instance, if you have a boyfriend and he takes you out for the first time and he likes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: I wouldnít have a boyfriend who took me out for a...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No...

CF: Sheís asking us to suppose.

NP: What is she asking us to suppose?

CF: If you had a boyfriend and he takes you out for the first time.

NP: Yes but in Aimi Macdonaldís case, if you have a boyfriend who takes you out for the first time, it is perfectly natural and normal and devious when Aimi says it.

AM: Thank you. Can I carry on now please?

NP: Yes, another point Aimi. No, donít worry, these wrong challenges give you more points.

AM: Oh good! How manyís that now?

NP: Youíve got um, youíve got four, youíve leapt into a very strong second place behind our leader.

AM: And how many seconds have I got to go?

NP: Youíve got er 35 seconds to go.

AM: Oh.

NP: Do you want your...

PJ: I think itís worth your while going on with it Aimi, really.

NP: Would you like to know what the subject is as well?

AM: Oh yes please.

NP: Oh good. Being desirable.

AM: Thank you.

NP: Starting now.

AM: Now, and he takes you out as I was saying before. Now you just know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Well repetition, she said as she was saying before, as indeed she had said it before, so weíre all sick and tired of hearing it!

AM: Oh thatís true darling! Youíre just jealous Kenneth, thatís all.

KW: Yes youíre so right.

NP: You have another point and you have 30 seconds on being desirable Aimi starting now.

AM: Thank you, the point you get to when you really...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: She said point twice. Twice before, it was point she said twice before.

AM: I was talking about a different point.

KW: Oh well!

NP: Well as I wouldnít allow Clementís just, I better not allow your point, and let her keep the subject still with another point and there are thirt... 27 seconds on being desirable Aimi starting now.

AM: When he leans across the table to light your cigarette, and the cigarette lighter shakes...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams?

KW: Two cigarettes.

NP: Yes I think we must allow the cigarettes.

AM: Oh no, one was a cigarette, and one was a cigarette lighter!

NP: I know but it was too late. Iím sorry, it wasnít too late, but I thought you were going to say a cigar. But no, no, you did say the word cigarette twice.

AM: Cigarette lighterís hyphenated!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: It is, yes.

NP: Is it?

AM: Yes!

PJ: Yes!

NP: Is it?

PJ: Yes!

NP: I didnít know that.

KW: No itís not! Shut your rows!

NP: All right then, if itís hyphenated, she gets...

PJ: She could say cigarette holder as well.

KW: Oh whatís going on here?

NP: The audience, do you think, if you think thereís a hyphen between cigarette and lighter cheer...

KW: Itís no good asking them! They donít know nothing!

NP: If you donít, boo, and will you all do it together now.

KW: Look at him! Come from Stratham!

NP: Nothing?

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Right the audience say Aimi Macdonald has it, and she has 19 seconds on being desirable starting now.

AM: And the apparatus in his hand begins to wobble....

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: ...then...

BUZZ

KW: Iíve not come here to listen to a load of filth!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Itís perfectly obvious why she keeps appearing on this game! Half of them are women! Look at Ďem! Yes! Waves of them rolling! Look at the flesh though! Itís disgusting isnít it!

NP: Whatís the challenge Kenneth?

KW: Well all this deviation about him sitting opposite her with apparatus! One minute heís taking her out to dinner, the next minute theyíre in a chemical laboratory!

NP: Well if youíve got to think of another word for cigarette lighter, even if it is hyphenated... an apparatus is quite a good word to use, isnít it.

KW: Oh itís obvious what side youíre on!

NP: If apparatus means something else to you, then Iím very sorry Kenneth. Fifteen seconds with you Aimi, on being desirable starting now.

AM: Then you know you must be desirable. If however the thing that heís holding... (dissolves in giggles)

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

AM: No, give it to him! Give it to him!

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: No, I havenít challenged.

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I thought she hesitated holding her thing!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It was the man that was holding the thing.

CF: It was a definite hesitation then.

NP: Yes he did hesitate. (laughs) Iím not surprised, considering the situation! I think Aimi Macdonald has become quite beyond continuing anyway. So weíll give you a hesitation for that Clement, with 10 seconds on being desirable starting now.

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Absolutely right Aimi!

KW: No!

NP: Four seconds he paused through the thought of him being desirable. And so Aimi you have five seconds to go on being desirable starting now.

AM: Another thing you notice is little beads of water on the...

WHISTLE

NP: I think Ian Messiter, that you must be much more careful in the subjects that you choose for this game. Especially, if weíd started with Clement Freud on being desirable that would have been different. Ladies and gentlemen at the end of that round, youíll not be surprised to hear that in spite of a little encouragement from the chairman, and help from the others, Aimi Macdonald has very definitely leapt into the lead. Clement it is your turn to begin and this subject is poses. Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.

CF: If you stand on a plinth with your hands raised high, and your feet apart, many would say that you were striking a pose. On the other hand, if you lie down on a foot, that also would be poses...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I would agree with that hesitation.

CF: Itís such a boring subject, isnít it. Poses.

NP: Yes yes, but there we are. We have the desirable ones and we...

CF: Boring.

NP: Kenneth Williams is now striking a pose to get in the mood to talk. Forty-four seconds on the subject starting now.

KW: During the period when there was what we would now describe as an epidemic in London, but what was then described as something other, in other words, the plague, judges in the courts of England were asked to wear with them and their retinue a... handful...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

KW: Shut your row! You donít know what youíre talking about! What a nerve! I mean the way he just sits there saying ďoh hesitationĒ!

PJ: Hesitation yes.

NP: Yes you can have him for hesitation.

KW: Oh youíre wonderful you are!Thereís only one thing you canít do and thatís behave like a gentleman!I, Iím renowned, Iím renowned, Iíve had letters, dearie! Iíve had letters saying what a gent! What a gent you are! Iíve had letters! Have you had any to that effect? No! Thatís why youíve gone red! Look at his face! No manners at all!

NP: Which person wrote all those letters?

PJ: Oh some nasty old man he always meets outside!

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge and you have 25 seconds on poses starting now.

PJ: Theyíre what really called the Music Hall in England. They used to have nudes standing about with nothing on. Often they were accompanied by a rather grandiose commentary and they aped the positions of models in famous pictures like the er...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: One second on poses with you Clement starting now.

CF: Poses are little...

WHISTLE

NP: And er having got in cleverly before the whistle went, Iím afraid Clement Freud has once again taken the lead...

CF: What do you mean youíre afraid?

KW: Yes! Youíre quite right! What do you mean Iím afraid?

PJ: Well heís afraid of what the audience will do to him!

NP: Thank you very much Peter, that was one of the things I was afraid of. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject, King Harold, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: (in upper-class soft accent) Well I suppose every schoolboy knows about this classic battle which took place at Relinn, not at Hastings but a little outside. And the occasion...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Why does he put on that funny voice?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know, but whatís your challenge?

AM: I just wanted to know. Is it because it sort of elongates everything heís trying to say.

NP: Are you challenging him for hesitation?

AM: Ah I suppose...

PJ: He wants to widen his range and get different kinds of work!

NP: I think he elongated to be actually hesitation, I think he actually paused. so Aimi I agree with you...

AM: Oh he hesitates, the way he talks.

NP: Iím with you...

AM: Kenneth you shouldnít talk like that.

PJ: Oh I like him talking like that.

NP: Yes but it does bring in pauses on occasions so there are 47 seconds for you on King Harold, Aimi Macdonald starting now.

AM: I donít know very much about King Harold...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: As she knows nothing about him, why doesnít she shut her mouth and let me discuss it!

NP: So what is your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: Well Iím afraid it wasnít, because even if you donít know much about it, youíve still got to try and keep going so she has another point and 44 seconds for King Harold starting now.

AM: Iím quite sure that he was a very powerful man. And he probably wore one of those ruddy things all the time, you know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: I think the entire audience in this theatre would like to know what is one of those ruddy things!

NP: Well what is your challenge?

KW: Deviation.

AM: No!

KW: What is this term and why is she using it? I mean, if she canít talk in plain English, then weíre all basically wasting our time here! Sheís already questioned my delivery and all I can see is her sitting there going (does damn good impression of Aimiís high-pitched girlish mumble, then returns to normal voice) I mean weíve had all this about getting your apparatus out...

NP: Whatís your challenge? Whatís your challenge?

KW: I mean what about all that apparatus and the high point?

NP: Whatís the challenge?

KW: Deviation.

NP: No she didnít actually say what the thing he was on, was wearing, but she said it was one of those funny things or something like that. Thirty-six seconds on King Harold, Aimi starting now.

AM: Itís usually made of wool when itís not knitted, and just hangs out in a bit...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Well she stopped.

NP: I know she did.

AM: Pardon?

NP: So you have a point and...

AM: What did I do?

NP: You stopped, otherwise you paused.

AM: I was just letting the laugh go!

NP: I know but when Clement Freud let the laugh go on a very good thing, he paused...

AM: All right!

NP: ...and you got in on him. No, I must be fair, you got in on him on that occasion.

AM: Oh.

NP: So 30 seconds on King Harold with you Clement starting now.

CF: William the Conqueror was said to have won that battle of Hastings in the year 10 hundred and sixty-six. And there are many who would agree, because as a result of the Northern Conquest, the English language was debased and became a sort of French um...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes yes, I would agree. Thirteen seconds for you Peter on King Harold starting now.

PJ: Picture the scene on this battlefield, just outside the famous resort of Eastbourne. And there with the green fields stretching out as far as the eye could see...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went so he gained the extra point for speaking at that particular moment. Well Iím afraid, ladies and gentlemen, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final score at the end of this particular game. Kenneth Williams finished only just in fourth place, two points behind Peter Jones who was in third place, who was four points behind Clement Freud, who was only one point behind our new and giggly and delightful and pretty winner, Aimi Macdonald. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.