WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 31 October 1972)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again weíre delighted to welcome back to the fourth seat Andree Melly, to pit her wits against our three regular male competitors in Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and of course without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter would you talk about the multitude. The multitude for 60 seconds starting now.
PETER JONES: Well that has a kind of Biblical ring about it. Reminds me of the meal of loaves and fishes. But nowadays it really refers to the great mass of people who decide what kind of entertainment is going to be provided on television, for instance. One third of them usually answer the Gallup pollster ďyesĒ, and the other section of an equal size say ďnoĒ. And the last and final er cross...
NP: Oh! Andree Melly challenged.
ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.
NP: Yes he couldnít quite divide the sections and portions and departments up. But well tried Peter, you did keep going for 32 seconds without being interrupted. I agree with Andreeís challenge of hesitation so she gets a point, she takes over the subject, 28 seconds on the multitude starting now.
AM: I think that one could use this word not only in the context of people, but perhaps insects, locusts for instance. One might refer to a great amount of these... oh!
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
NP: Yes I agree, more of a dry-up than a hesitation. There are 13 seconds now on the multitude with you Peter starting now.
PJ: This other group of people usually say they donít know. But I would like to make this appeal to them, all these individuals who one masses together in this...
NP: Well whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, and as you know, the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Peter Jones who started with the subject. And therefore he has a commanding lead at the end of the first round. In fact Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have hardly to speak yet. Andree Melly will you begin this one, the present I most like to receive. Would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: The present I most like to receive is one that I give to myself. Then I know itís going to be something I really want, and I donít have to get my face ready with that expression of rapturous delight when somebody else gives you a gift and you have that sinking feeling youíre going to hate it. I am lucky enough to have several things which I bestow upon me, because for example, my mother...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Itís deviation of grammar. You bestow it upon yourself, not on you.
NP: Yes I think as we do play this game fairly toughly, that um itís probably a legitimate challenge. And you have a point Clement and the subject, 34 and a half seconds on the present I most like to receive starting now.
CF: The present I most like to receive is wine. And I donít care at all whether this beverage comes from Austria or Germany, Yugoslavia, Romania, nay even California. France produces this stuff in Burgundy as well as in Bordeaux. And I think that of the latter province known as claret in this country, I like more than other. In fact if anybody asks me what the present I would most like to receive is it is not sack, definitely not beer, not even tripe...
NP: He was challenged on the buzzer, but he just got in in time. I think it was Andreeís challenge, what was it going to be Andree?
AM: There were three nots.
NP: I know.
AM: Just in the past second!
KENNETH WILLIAMS: You shouldnít bother with them little words.
NP: You should have got him... ah, Clement you gained a point for speaking when the whistle went, you have now crept up on Peter Jones and we have come round to you Kenneth. A moment that a lot of us wait for with great pleasure in Just A Minute! Would you talk on people I enjoy for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: People I enjoy are the kind that can always have recourse to a charming, racy or amusing anecdote, depending of course on oneís proclivities in these matters. Mine are manifold, and nothing is more delightful than to have those about me whose mental activity is so full of alacrity and inner joy, and I would add nobility, that the evening seems almost to race by. And one looks at the heavy jowls and the beards that adorn the faces of these colossuses. And one thinks ďoh what a joyous day it was when I first came on this wonderfully energetic countenance. And those eyes almost Sapphire blue, reminding one straightaway of the Mediterranean...Ē
NP: So Kenneth Williams started with the subject...
KW: They were just being nice! I must have repeated myself somewhere!
NP: No actually Kenneth you didnít. You did it really beautifully and magnificently and you kept going. I must say the last 10 seconds was very tense.
NP: We all wondered whether you were going to keep it up.
KW: It wasnít tense for me, I was very loose!
NP: You must... have a lot of very enjoyable people about you because I could see from the way you were looking, you were describing their countenances...
KW: Mmmm, did you get the reference to Clement?
NP: I also got the reference to me...
NP: Anyway you did magnificently and of course you get a bonus point...
KW: Thank you!
NP: ...for keeping going without stopping. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, people I donít enjoy. Can you talk on that subject now for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well there arenít so many of them as the ones I do enjoy. But for instance, when Iím approaching in my car a T junction and the car coming from my right...
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Two cars.
NP: Yes Iím afraid...
PJ: Yes. Sorry I should have talked about the internal combustion engine or something. Yes, quite.
NP: Automobile or another one, but not car again. Forty-nine seconds left, people I donít enjoy Clement starting now.
CF: People I particularly donít enjoy are those who press buzzer at inopportune moments, in the middle of speaking intelligently about a subject such as people I donít enjoy. As I love Andree Melly very much, I forgive her completely, but there are other people whom I loathe and despise. In particular the ones who didnít come here today, because last week we had an absolutely rotten audience! Iím so glad that no-one is here this evening because you all...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: He said here here twice. I mean he repeated here.
CF: But I was pretty nice about the audience, doing it.
PJ: Yes you were very nice.
NP: All right Peter, thatís a very tough challenge...
KW: Yes, very tough Peter, you know.
NP: But if he makes the challenge, I have to be fair within the rules of the game and he did repeat here. So Peter you get the point, 11 seconds for people I donít enjoy starting now.
PJ: And they jostle one in post offices. They push one off the...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of one.
NP: Yes, weíre going to be tough that way, you get it back...
KW: Oh itís awful isnít it.
NP: Five seconds now on people I donít enjoy Clement, starting now.
CF: Let me have men about me who are loose...
KW: How disgusting! I mean! Iíve come here all the way from Kingís Cross! Itís a family show! A load of filth!
NP: Kenneth Iím terribly confused. Last week you established that you moved to Baker Street.
KW: Oh sorry, yes!
NP: As your comment was devious, obviously your challenge was devious and therefore it was incorrect and therefore Clement Freud has another point and there are three seconds on people I donít enjoy Clement starting now.
CF: I donít enjoy people who wear therapeutic sandals at me...
NP: Clement Freud with the help of some incorrect challenges managed to gain a number of points in that round including one for speaking when the whistle went. So he has gained a commanding lead at the end of the round. Andree Melly, back with you, the subject, playing safe. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: The very best way of playing safe is I suppose to be dead. Then you canít have any catastrophe befall you whatsoever...
NP: Clement, Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well deviation, this is ridiculous! Obviously people who are dead canít play safe, nor can they play anything else, can they!
NP: I think thatís a very good thought. Once youíre dead, itís finished, youíre not playing safe or playing anything, are you.
NP: All right Kenneth, you have a point for that and 42 seconds on playing safe starting now.
KW: It is of course to be so morally neutral and I would say in every other sense, that you sit on the fence and in the process split yourself right up the middle. Now various people disapprove of this kind of behaviour. And those who supported the Chamberlain administration, and the one that was accused so often of being appeasers during the crisis that blew up over that business with Adolf Hitler where he...
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
AM: Oh heís going on and on and on, all about history, and heís not talking any more about playing safe.
NP: Well if anybody played safe I would have thought Chamberlain played...
KW: It was Chamberlain who was playing safe, wasnít it, you great nit!
NP: All right Kenneth, Iím supporting you...
NP: ...on Chamberlain...
KW: Itís the way she rushes in and attacks you! Have you noticed that!
NP: Yes, Iíve noticed you do the same on occasions too Kenneth.
KW: Only with justification! Only when I am provoked you see, thatís why!
NP: She was provoked then!
NP: She felt that her challenge was justified but Iím afraid I disagree with that.
NP: So you get another point and you continue with playing safe, 10 seconds starting now.
KW: And I have actually been given bank notes, and people have played safe with me. And said will you look after them on our behalf...
NP: Well then Kenneth Williams was speaking when the whistle went, and he has leapt forward at the end of that round which he loves to do, but alas, only into second place. But heís ahead of Peter Jones and Andree Melly. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, striking oil. Would you talk about that for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: One of the absolutely certain things about striking oil is that oil will come up. get a spoon and wham it, bash it, hit it, or animate the surface in any other way, and the result will be a small gusher which will be exactly as edible or attractive as the substance which you agitated in the first place. There are at the moment in the Channel around our coast a number of companies which are actually looking for oil of...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Well theyíre not in the Channel. Theyíre looking for oil in the North Sea.
NP: They are certainly looking for oil in the North Sea, I donít know if theyíre...
PJ: Theyíre looking in the Channel, he said.
NP: Well all right, there may be companies looking for oil in the Channel, there may be companies we donít know about. You see this is my problem on decisions. So I think in a situation such as this, I have to put it to the superior wisdom and judgement of our charming and delightful audience...
PJ: Well they donít know where the people looking for it!
NP: It doesnít matter!
CF: Very knowledgeable!
NP: This is the way I get out of an impossible decision! They may not know, they may have no idea at all. But they will give a decision. So if you agree they are looking for oil in the English Channel...
CF: I didnít say the English Channel.
NP: No, in the channels around our coast. in other words, if you agree with Peterís challenge, you boo. And if you disagree with his challenge, you cheer. And you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Youíre booing so what does that mean? Youíre booing his challenge so youíre with Clement Freud.
NP: Oh youíre with Peter Jones, are you?
CF: Most of then cheered anyway!
NP: If only we had a chairman on this programme who could think! All right so um...
PJ: We might be on to a good thing here! They seem to know where the oil is!
NP: All right, well anyway you struck oil with this audience Peter, you have a point because the audience considered your challenge was justified and the subject and there are 27 seconds on striking oil starting now.
PJ: And theyíre looking for it around the coast of Australia...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: The subject is striking oil, not looking for it.
NP: It doesnít matter, youíve got to look for it before you can strike it. So Peter Jones has another point and there are 24 seconds on striking oil starting now.
PJ: And any moment now, we may hear the news that they have struck oil there. Now in America, on one of the film lots around, I think, Twentieth Century Fox, they discovered even in the last decade, that they were sitting on a gold mine in the sense that the oil underneath amounted to the value of several million...
NP: Well Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he has moved forward in that round and taken second place ahead of Kenneth, but still behind Clement Freud our leader. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the English Gog and Magog, one of those delightful subjects that I think Ian Messiter thinks of especially for you. But would you now talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well these are of course the remnant of this race of giants who are descended from this Emperor Dalcletian. But there were effigies, you know, that did stand for some time outside Guild hall. And therefore English Gog and Magog, I think must specifically refer to these things. They were carved beautifully in a sort of stone, probably Portland. And they represented, I would say, primeval forces. And itís interesting, like gargoyles on a cathedral, how western man with his disdain for the civilised way of life, has on occasion delight in resorting to these symbols of the past like Gog and Magog who perhaps cast your imaginative faculties way back into the mist of antiquity. And a writer like Morley who discussed druidic customs and things like...
NP: Oh Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of things like.
NP: You rotten thing! He only had four seconds to go!
CF: That was as long as I wished to talk about Gog and Magog!
NP: Well said Clement! But yes, we thought for once we were going to have a unique record in Just A Minute. Somebody was going to keep going on the subject they started with twice in the same show. It didnít quite happen and Clement Freud you have a point, four seconds on the English Gog and Magog starting now.
CF: I first came across Gog and Magog in a Latin gender rhyme...
NP: So Clement Freud getting in then before the whistle, gained the extra point and increased his lead at the end of that round. Peter Jones weíre back with you, what I do at midnight. Why should you laugh at the thought of what Peter Jones might do at midnight? You must have horrid minds or very unkind ones. Peter Jones thatís the subject would you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: Well itís not something that I really want to discuss...
NP: Kenneth Williams we know what youíre going to say.
KW: Yes, quite, if you know what Iím going to say, you donít need me to say it do you?
NP: You havenít said anything.
KW: Well you presumably are going to tell them. You say you know what Iím going to say.
KW: Well, tell them then!
NP: Youíre going to say (in high pitched rather poor impression of KW) ďwell if he doesnít know what heís going to say, let him shut up, and let me get on with itĒ.
KW: On the contrary! The point of this game is to discuss what you give us on the card. Right? He said he doesnít want to discuss it. I say give the subject to me.
NP: Yes, you put it beautifully.
CF: Or yes was the word he was searching for!
PJ: But Iím going to discuss it!
KW: Oh why donít you shut your row and give someone else a chance? Youíve done nothing but talk on this show! Itís always the same! You come in and dominate it! Itís a disgrace!
KW: He said I donít want to talk about it! Thatís what he said! If he donít want to talk about it, he can shut up! Iíll have a go!
NP: Kenneth, even if he doesnít want to talk about it, the object of the game is to try and talk about it, which is exactly what Peter Jones was doing. And he has 56 seconds, you challenged with only four seconds in. What I do at midnight Peter starting now.
PJ: Because many people who listen may be over-stimulated, excited. They may take exception to it or worse still...
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Deviation, heís discussing other peopleís reactions to him. The subject is what I do at midnight.
PJ: Well itís other peopleís reactions to what I do that is the important thing!
NP: Peter justified what he was saying. So he has another point and there are 49 seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
PJ: Well just after...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
NP: Yes I agree Andree, 47 seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: What I do at midnight does vary because sometimes I may be in a very deep sleep and hear...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, she canít do anything if sheís in a deep sleep, so why talk about it? Ludicrous!
NP: She can dream, canít she?
KW: What I do at midnight!
KW: And she said Iím in a deep sleep. How can you do anything in a deep sleep?
NP: Well you could be dreaming. You could be twitching.
KW: That isnít doing anything!
NP: Yes she could be turning over and putting the bedclothes...
KW: Oh youíre talking a load of rubbish! When youíre doing your acting, youíre going about! You should see me! When Iím really going at something, Iím not laying there deep breathing!
NP: Iíve heard people say what did you do at midnight last night when I was fast asleep.
KW: Yeah when they ask you, itís another matter entirely! Half the time you are asleep! You seem to be on this show with these judgements! Ludicrous arenít they!
PJ: In any case, thereís nothing in the rules which says we canít talk a load of rubbish!
KW: Oh heís getting in his oar again! Hark at him! What was that?
NP: Well repeat it, repeat it.
PJ: I said thereís nothing in the rules that says we canít talk a load of rubbish!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: I donít know whether the applause was for Peter Jonesís remark or for who they thought it was intended for. Having said that, Andree Melly...
PJ: You can share it among yourselves!
NP: Well said Peter! Forty seconds for you Andree on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: I turn to the left and then the right, wriggle my toes and stretch and curl up tighter. And hear ď Mummy!Ē coming from the other room. I get up very slowly and drowsily drunk with sleep, go to see what my young daughter wants. Find that itís a glass of water or too hot, cold, wants to go wee-wee... oops!
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: That was the second wee.
NP: Yes. Charmingly put Clement, you almost deserve a bonus point for your... and you know, so you have 19 seconds on what I do at midnight Clement starting now.
CF: What I do at midnight is to try and turn into a pumpkin. Because my children said it was very important that I should do so. I get a piece of green plastic and drape myself in it entirely, painting from inside signs and... memorable...
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: There was a hesitation before the memorable.
NP: Yes I think he was got as close to hesitation as itís possible to get...
CF: Do you think Ian could not put the whistle in his mouth until he intends to blow it? One is lulled into a sense of feeling that there can only be two or three seconds, and he seems to put his whistle in his mouth earlier and earlier.
NP: I know. Andree Melly you have a correct challenge, four seconds on what I do at midnight starting now.
AM: Occasionally I go in the kitchen and have a glass of milk and two biscuits...
NP: Andree Melly was then speaking when the whistle went, but Andree, Iím afraid youíre still in fourth place. But youíve moved up on Kenneth Williams whoís moving up on Peter Jones, whoís moving up on our leader who is still Clement Freud. What a lot of moving going on in this programme! Andree Melly would you begin the next round, limericks, 60 seconds starting now.
AM: There once was a Dean of St Paulís
Who looked at the cracks in the walls...
NP: Ah Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: I was trying to save her from...
NP: You didnít succeed!
CF: I didnít have to.
NP: No, you didnít have to. All that happens is that Andree Melly gets a point because she wasnít deviating from limericks and there are 53 seconds starting now.
AM: If we stick them with glue
Do you think that will do?
And the answer he got was ďcertainly not, it would be absolutely inadequate.
This is the only limerick that I know, and in spite of Clement Freud, it is reasonably clean. Some of them are filthy and...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Clement you challenged, why?
CF: Um, if itís the only limerick she knows, how does she know that the others are clean?
NP: Ah I ah because she probably she means itís the only one she knows having committed it to memory. She might know...
CF: Knows means having knowledge.
NP: No, knows can also mean that she has knowledge that other limericks exist but she does not know any by heart to recite. Thatís the way I interpret it so Andree keeps the subject for 37 seconds on limericks starting now.
AM: I um am very pleased to get the point but Iíd love Clement to have it, so I can learn some dirty ones. As I believe there are a great many of them...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Yes. she said that before, and she said it again.
NP: Yes all right Kenneth, you have the subject now and there are 28 seconds on limericks starting now.
KW: Well there was a young lady of Ryde
who ate a green apple and died
And the apple fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside
KW: Oh thatís funny!
NP: Clement Freud, your challenge came first.
KW: Whatís your challenge?
CF: Inside her.
NP: Inside her, inside her.
KW: Whereís the repetition?
CF: Inside her inside.
NP: Inside her inside is in side, S-I-D-E her inside I-N-S-I-D-E, all one word. So there are 17 seconds Clement starting now.
CF: There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry never would scan
When asked reasons why
He replied with a sigh
Well you see I always try to get as many words in to the last line as I possibly can.
And this is a limerick which...
NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained that extra point, having got a delightful laugh on his limerick. Even if you thought Kenneth deserved the point for the end, it wouldnít have made any difference to the final result and we did have a limerick from Clement as well. Peter youíre the only one who hasnít given us a limerick, do you know one?
PJ: No I donít know any, canít remember one.
NP: All right so we have no more time to play Just A Minute this week unfortunately. So let me give you the final score. Andree Melly was just in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams, who was two points behind Peter Jones, who was quite a few points behind our winner who was once again Clement Freud. We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.