JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 November 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to ask our four clever panellists to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And of course according to how well they do this they will gain points or their opponents will. And weíre going to begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek can you talk on empathy for... yes, you may well look surprised. For 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: When I first joined this game, these many years ago, there was nobody on the panel that I felt any empathy for at all. Because the only member permanently there was Clement Freud! One day, there walked across the studio floor, light footsteps. A clean-cut youth with a strong jaw, and a fine nose. Proud upbearing and of course it was Kenneth Williams! It has been my privilege over these many weeks and days that have gone by since that time to er insert myself...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CLEMENT FREUD: Hesitation.

NP: Yes alas, there was. I thought he was being so complimentary...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I thought it was lovely! I mean...

NP: You wouldnít have dared challenge him, would you.

KW: No!

NP: It was a very clever ploy that.

KW: His flow was beautiful. I mean, I was throbbing here! It was beautiful! I loved every minute of it. I really did!

NP: Oh Iím glad about that Kenneth. Clement Freud didnít like it so he challenged him on a correct challenge of hesitation...

CF: No, I liked it.

KW: He liked it, though heís admitted it. Heís coming out with it now.

NP: Yes well all right, he can come out with even more in a second because as that was a correct challenge, you gain a point Clement Freud. And you take over the subject of empathy, there are 25 seconds left and you start now.

CF: Itís very strange how many people donít know the difference between sympathy and empathy. Because empathy is having a fellow feeling with another person whereas the first sentiment which I spoke has no sort of connection other than...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

CF: Cohabitation?

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I think you... actually I thought that what he was trying...

KW: No, I know what he was up against. I know what he was up against. Itís a peculiar thing to do, isnít it. Definitions things in the sense of not repeating.

NP: Exactly.

KW: A very difficult thing to do and I thought he had a damn good try!

DN: Youíre giving him sympathy rather than empathy!

NP: Lovely Kenneth! Derek Nimmo, I agree with your challenge and you have a point and you have now eight seconds left for empathy starting now.

DN: To find out how KW really thinks and behaves and believes and smells and...

WHISTLE

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock did challenge one half second before the whistle. What was it Sheila?

SHEILA HANCOCK: He made me jump because of the whistle. I went ooohhh like that.

NP: All right then, we wonít count that. So we say that Derek Nimmo was speaking...

DN: Must have been after the whistle then!

NP: ...when the whistle went...

SH: It was, it was after the whistle had gone.

NP: And if anybody doesnít know by now, Iíll just remind you when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains the extra point. On this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he has two at the end of that round. Clement Freud has one. Weíre now into the second round. Clement itís your turn to begin so would you start now with the subject of table turning. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: Table turning is the most extraordinary thing. Itís something Iíve never done myself but you take the object which has four legs, grip it at both ends...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: A table doesnít necessarily have four legs. Deviation.

KW: Ah.

NP: But a table can have four legs.

DN: He said which has four legs....

NP: Oh I think.

CF: I said the table, not a table.

NP: He said the table, I think youíre being awfully pedantic. I mean a table can have four legs. It can have one leg, you can have a centre pedestal. It doesnít matter. Carry on on table turning Clement Freud with 47 seconds starting now.

CF: And whip it quickly over your shoulder to end up on the floor...

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo has challenged, yes?

DN: Thatís table throwing, not table turning.

CF: How you turn the tables.

KW: It sounds very sadistic, all this whipping of tables! Deviation!

NP: All right, I think that here, we were a bit tough last time, weíll give it to Derek on that one because you could interpret this table whipping. And Derek you have, you have 43 seconds on table turning starting now.

DN: It helps awfully if the table is round of course, instead of square. Because then it moves much more freely. But best of all, you should have 47 people, fairly strong, masculine if possible. And so they can all roll tables in an ever decreasing circle so they bump into one another in the middle. This has a particular name and is called tabolatus paturna in Greece. But sometimes its known in Italy as something quite different. And if youíre very lucky...

WHISTLE

DN: An extra point! An extra point!

NP: Ah...

KW: You blew the whistle yourself!

DN: Thatís why I get an extra point! Thatís clear!

KW: Itís a disgrace!

NP: All right, quiet Kenneth! I must inform the listeners...

KW: They know all about it!

NP: ...that Derek Nimmo produced his own whistle because heíd just about dried up and blew it. So everybody else has a point for that!

KW: Oh lovely! Lovely! Oh yes! Brilliant!

NP: And Derek continues with the subject with 11 seconds left on table turning starting now.

DN: One of the nice things in this game is to be able to tame the tails...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes weíll give it to you and table turning is now with you Sheila with seven seconds to go starting now.

SH: A good example of the idiomatic use of this phrase would be if Clement Freud were talking and only had two seconds to go...

WHISTLE

SH: And I blew the whistle!

NP: He didnít come in on those two seconds before the whistle was blown, he didnít. So Sheila was speaking then, gained the extra point. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, the subject, my following. I think a lot of them follow you into the audience of Just A Minute, weíre all pleased to say. But would you talk about my following for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well this is a most personal subject because obviously it means those who are around me, very often, and comprise, so to speak, an entourage like ancient people, Kings, philosophers and brilliant raconteurs...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: I donít believe that heís surrounded by Kings and ancient people and all that. He just said...

NP: No, I donít believe he is. But he was saying that this probably refers to my following like an entourage and comparing it to olden times. I disagree with Sheilaís challenge, you have 43 seconds left on my following Kenneth starting now.

KW: They include very brilliant mentors indeed. Among them Madam OíSirus who always said ďcome on Kenny, look into my crystal ball, your lucky sandwich filling is salmon and shrimp. Yes and your lucky stone is gauze...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

KW: And... what?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of lucky, Iím afraid.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid Madam OíSirus said lucky twice.

KW: Heís got no idea! I was in the middle of a story. Heís got no idea has he!

NP: Well you finish your story, go on.

KW: No, Iím not bothered now.

NP: All right, Clement Freud you have the subject, 22 seconds on my following starting now.

CF: My following has been said to be the best in London. I pick up a trail at Piccadilly Circus and manage to follow it all the way down Regent Street, through New Oxford Street...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged, why?

KW: Deviation, heís now talking about a trail, such as hounds follow in a hunt. The subject on the card is my following, not following a track.

NP: Well you see, you can also be my following in the sense of a sentence, my following a dog. You understand?

KW: What are you talking about it? Nobody would say ďmy following a dogĒ! Youíll have half the people in London going about talking illiterately. Theyíll say ďmy following a dogĒ. Mad, isnít it! The worst rubbish Iíve ever heard!

NP: All right, I think it was a justifiable challenge Kenneth. Itís just that we confuse Clement Freud with dogs so often, we get very confused. ten seconds for you now on my following Kenneth starting now.

KW: Oh me?

NP: Yes.

BUZZ

KW: Iím sorry, I thought youíd left it with him! Thatís unfair! i didnít realise! Iím sorry! Oh wait a minute! No! No! Shut up! Thatís not fair!

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged you.

SH: Hesitation.

KW: No, I wasnít! I didnít realise!

NP: You werenít concentrating in other words. So Sheila has another point...

KW: Oh itís a disgrace!

NP: Seven seconds on my following starting now.

SH: I have a following of a little girl whoís eight years old who is about the only person who would bother with me and happens to be...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Deviation, Iíd bother with her!

KW: So would I! Yes! Iíve been following you ever since I came into your dressing room that night! I had a lovely face, I had a lovely smile! I said ďhello darlingĒ and you said ďoh go on, get out! Get out!Ē she said.

NP: You werenít deviating from the subject on the card.

SH: No.

NP: Much as we all would like to be in your following.

SH: Iíd almost like to give it to them. They...

NP: Well you only have two seconds left.

SH: Oh all right then.

NP: If youíre careful you can get two points.

SH: Yes.

NP: You have my following, two seconds, starting now.

SH: Also my Auntie Ruby is quite...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round Sheila Hancock speaking when the whistle went gained that extra point and has leapt into the lead. And Derek Nimmo your turn to begin, my earliest memory. Can you talk about my earliest memory for 60 seconds starting now.

DN: There are several things that might claim to be my earliest memory. But I think possibly my earliest memory of all is of Nurse...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, I donít think several things can, you have only one earliest memory.

NP: Well the subject is...

KW: Itís singular on the card, singular on the card.

NP: Do you want to come and sit up here?

KW: No, no, I just give you a hand, I help you out, you know.

SH: He said there are several things that could be my earliest memory, I would have thought there was only one.

NP: If it is a singular, my earliest memory, he canít say there are several things which are my earliest memory.

DN: I did say there are several things that might claim to be, but my earliest memory was. One canít always be too sure what...

NP: No youíre being... and she did come in very rapidly. All right...

SH: All right, Iím quite curious to know what your earliest memory is, so you can keep going.

NP: So Derek you have 53 seconds on my earliest memory starting now.

DN: Was I think dear old Nurse Snowball smelling (laughs) small...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Yes he laughed and Iím afraid hesitated.

NP: Yes all right Kenneth. So you have 47 seconds on my earliest memory starting now.

KW: It was unquestionably when the drama teacher said ďget up and give them all youíve got. Play Grizelda and sing the song that lovers singĒ. And so I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Two sings.

NP: Sing the song that lovers sing. Yes what a pity because I would have loved to know what else Grizelda said. There are tir, there are tirty, there are 32 seconds on my earliest memory now Clement, with you starting now.

CF: My earliest memory was having my nappy changed when I, when I was very young indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: Didnít he say when I was, when I was?

CF: No.

SH: I thought he repeated...

NP: My earliest memory was having my nappy changed when I was... no, no, there wasnít two when I wases. There were two wases...

SH: I thought he hesitated and repeated.

NP: ...but your challenge was when I was. Twenty-five seconds on my earliest memory Clement starting now.

CF: Taking the piece of silken cloth in one corner...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, nappies arenít silk.

CF: They were in my day!

NP: You see this is my problem, ladies and gentlemen and listeners...

KW: It isnít a problem! You know about nappies, donít you? Youíre a father yourself.

NP: I know... yes I know that nappies, all the ones I used, and all the ones I had on...

CF: I didnít say the nappies!

NP: ...were, but it is quite possible that a nappy could been silken. So thereís no reason, heís not actually deviating from the subject on the card and I can in a situation like this only put it to the wider discretion. If you think he was challenged too soon, if you think he was going on to say silken nappy then youíre with Kenneth Williams and you cheer. And if you disagree and youíre with Clement Freud on this and you give him justification, then you boo, and you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are enjoying yourselves arenít you. Well all I can say is the audience has decided that Kenneth Williams can have the benefit of the doubt and he has the subject therefore with 22 seconds on my earliest memory starting now.

KW: And singing thus The Rose And The Ring, I grew to a stature unbelievable principally because I was on stilts! Unbelievablay!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: The second unbelievably.

KW: I said unbelievablay!

NP: All right Kenneth you have another point and seven seconds on my earliest memory starting now.

KW: then with my feather duster I flicked the prince in the face. ďOhĒ, they shouted, ďwhat bravado, what incredible courage...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: And theyíve been shouting ďoh what bravadoĒ ever since, havenít they! Kenneth you gained a number of points at that end of that round and you really have leapt into the lead!

KW: Ohhh! isnít it marvellous! Thank you!

NP: But youíll have to work at it hard because Clement is almost beside you and Sheila and Derek just a little way away. Sheila your turn to begin, getting comfortable. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: This is something I find incredibly difficult as I am rather a fidgety person. However since Iíve taken up yoga itís become slightly simpler. What you have to do is to lie on your back on a fairly hard surface and then you relax your toes, and then your heels, after that your calf muscles, followed by your knees, and your thighs, then your...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

SH: Well it would have been rude.

DN: Hesitation, hesitation.

NP: I think actually she was trying to find a way to stop saying your which she repeated about five times.

DN: Oh we donít go on your.

NP: No, I know we donít go on your but after about seven times, I would have given it against her because she could have gone on indefinitely, every other word your.

SH: Yes.

NP: Anyway she hesitated searching and you now Derek have a point and the subject and 30 seconds on getting comfortable starting now.

DN: To get truly comfortable, I would also require Sheila Hancock and I would want her to twiddle my toes first of all and soothe my calves...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Deviation, I wonít! I wouldnít dream of twiddling his toes. he twiddles his toes very well on his own. Weíve all seen it havenít we.

NP: Yes but itís not deviating from getting comfortable, you see. This is Derekís idea of getting comfortable, you twiddling his toes.

SH: Yes but if Iím not willing to cooperate, itís not possible.

NP: Ah but it could still be his fantasy...

SH: All right then.

NP: ...if he wanted you to do it...

SH: Well it should be fantasies of getting comfortable on the card!

NP: This is Derekís idea of getting comfortable, he has a point and he has 23 seconds starting now.

DN: There are other ways of getting comfortable of course. You can go to a lovely green lake...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

DN: No, not that time.

NP: No he hasnít said of course yet in this round.

CF: He says it all the time. Oh, not in this round?

NP: Not in this round.

CF: He does keep saying of course.

NP: Youíre keeping up your campaign are you?

CF: My campaign to stop people saying of course.

NP: Derek Nimmo I disagree with that challenge, you have another point and you have 18 seconds on getting comfortable starting now.

DN: A little white tent in a meadow, a boy scout and I and (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

DN: And the green grass and the meadow flowers...

CF: He giggled.

NP: He giggled?

CF: Yes.

DN: I can giggle if I want to, thereís nothing against giggling.

NP: Yes but is a giggle a hesitation.

DN: I didnít hesitate.

NP: No I donít think you really hesitated there. No, the trouble is I didnít hear it because...

SH: (laughs) It was me, I think!

NP: Thirteen seconds on getting comfortable Derek starting now.

DN: On a boat on the sea with a green wave blowing hard over the prow, that is a very good way of getting comfortable, because it is soothing. Swaying to the motions of the seas sometimes can caress your whole...

WHISTLE

NP: He did, he did repeat sea then and somebody could have got in with two seconds to go. But they didnít and so Derek Nimmo has now taken the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round please. Bumbling, can you talk to us on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Bumbling is a method of speech, a form of address, a mode of saying something, in which you say unbelievably with one breath, unberlievably with another, unbarlievably, unbeelievably, unboolievably, unbowlievably, and you go on bumbling happily because it has just been proved that this is within the rules of this game, something I never knew. Bumbling is...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Was it hesitation?

NP: I think it was, yes.

SH: A very long pause.

NP: Thirty seconds now on bumbling Sheila starting with you.

SH: I think it was mentioned originally in Man in a Boot, three of the same that I just said. Now you see there was a character...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

SH: Iím bumbling.

KW: You canít... itís completely incoherent! Therefore deviation.

NP: It was bumbling, I know. She was bumbling so she has another point and there are 22 seconds on bumbling Sheila starting now.

SH: Itís probably one of the reasons why...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Sheila there was only two seconds so it couldnít have been hesitation. You have now 20 seconds left on bumbling starting now.

SH: And after that you can just waffle around and this programme is a prize example of how you have to bumble. In fact I donít think itís very good for the English language to appear on this show. Because it encourages you...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of show.

SH: No I said programme before.

KW: Yes!

SH: I did honestly. Because I thought of it.

CF: I believe you.

NP: Yes.

SH: Thank you.

NP: There are three seconds on bumbling now, still with you Sheila starting now.

SH: I think itís much better...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

SH: Oh I...

DN: Repetition of I think.

SH: Yes I did.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did think too much there. When you stop and have to start again itís difficult. There are four and a half seconds on bumbling with you Derek starting now.

DN: One always has to go to the root of words to decide what they really do mean. First of all we must dissect the word into bum...

WHISTLE

KW: Thatís smart, isnít it.

NP: Derek Nimmo, having dissected the word was saved by the bell. The whistle on this occasion. But heís still in the lead, two points ahead of Sheila, four points ahead of Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams who are both equal in third place. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject, Milo of Critona.

KW: Oh!

NP: Would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I donít why they always choose these odd people for me to discuss. He was a Greek athlete and won 12 times this incredible marathon at the Games which were of course the Olympic ones. And he appeared at Pivea. Now the Pivean Games were held...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CF: Repetition of games.

NP: Yes and Pivea too. Um...

CF: No, Pivean, Pivean.

NP: Oh yes thatís right, Olympic Games and the Pivea Games. Clement, a correct challenge, you have a subject, a point and the subject, and you have 43 seconds on Milo of Critona starting now.

CF: Milo of Critona acted in the 500 BC era. And was as my colleague Kenneth Williams said, an athlete of great renown. It is now a better known better drink and many a woman has said to her son ďdo sip up your Milo of Critona before the wicked fairies get youĒ. A very nice pleasant sentiment I always feel, although feeling is something I donít do as often perhaps as my colleague and my friend...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of colleague and a lot of hesitation.

NP: Yes he was slowly running down! Talk about sheer fantasy! But of course, if you can go with a stern a face as Clement Freud, with the authority and erudition that backs what he says, sometimes youíre reluctant to challenge. Derek i agree with the challenge, you have three seconds to go on Milo of Critona starting now.

DN: He met the most horrible death because he banged his hand which was free and wool set in...

WHISTLE

NP: Also getting a bedtime drink called Milo of Critona, Clement Freud nearly put us to sleep here with Milo of Critona. You are still in the lead Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. And would you please begin the next round, the subject is my rummage. Can you talk to me on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: I have a lovely little attic and itís filled with rummage of one kind or another. An old clotheshorse, a violin, piles of books, flutes, cellos, a spring guitar and my favourite teddy whose name is Bobby and has eyes that are made of wool because I once chewed...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You donít keep your favourite teddy in your attic. If he had any affection for it at all, it would be by his bed like my teddy.

NP: Well it could still be the teddy from when he was a little boy. But now...

CF: He didnít say that, he said my favourite teddy.

NP: But itís still his favourite teddy but his favourite teddy happens to be in his attic. Itís very unfortunate... but I disagree with the challenge. Derek, 38 seconds left on my rummage starting now.

DN: Sometimes my vicar comes round, the Reverend Selwyn Cox...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís not his vicar, heís the vicar of the parish. You canít have a personal vicar and he certainly doesnít!

NP: Itís true, you canít have a personal vicar but you can often say my vicar. But I do think, if youíre as clerical as Derek Nimmo and the parts he plays, you might often have to say my vicar. But I do think what weíll do here as Derekís well in the lead, weíll give you for a good challenge, a point and the subject and there are 34 seconds left on my rummage starting now Kenneth.

KW: Includes a miniature chamber pot with ďafter you, my dearĒ in gold. Everyone comments upon this. ďOh how charmingĒ they cry on entering the room because it is a focal point. Next to that stands a china whale, presented to me by that great person, Mr Orson Welles who was brilliant enough to pick me out from among hundreds of others as the most talented young man of his day. Of course thatís absolutely true. I would say...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle round and he did at the end of that round gain an extra point and managed to leap forward from fourth place into third place. But Iím afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Clement Freud for once finished in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams who was equal in second place, my apologies that brilliant young man over there. Equal in second place alongside Sheila Hancock. But none of them managed to overtake Derek Nimmo who is once again this weekís winner! We do hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.