JAM:CFreud,THawks,TSlattery,RVranch
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring CLEMENT FREUD, TONY HAWKS, TONY SLATTERY and RICHARD VRANCH, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 2 August 1994)


THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the game show for comedians, raconteurs, politicians and actors, in fact anyone who doesnít know how to keep their mouth shut. After that, I think Iíd better introduce my guests. And first of all, my favourite anchorman and staunch sidekick, a man whoís had more hot dinners than heís made television appearances and thatís a lot of hot dinners, Tony Slattery! Next to Tony, a man who used his doctoral thesis on the effect of electromagnetic pulses on the interfaces between silicon devices as an audition piece to get on Whose Line Is It Anyway, actor, comedian, musician and improviser, Doctor Richard Vranch! On my right, an actor, comedian, improviser, Brain Drain panellist, Huckleberry friend, and professional cheeky chappie, Tony Hawks! And last but by no means least the most experienced player on tonightís team. This man has done so many different things, heís broken every rule in the book, and heís broken most of them regularly on Just A Minute, Sir Clement Freud! For those of you who may not know this game very well, itís very simple. In fact the rules are so ridiculously simple until you start to play it and then it is simply ridiculous. I ask each panellist in turn to speak on a subject I give them and they try and do that without hesitation, without repeating anything or deviating from the subject. They challenge each other if they think theyíve done that. I give points if I uphold the challenge and the one speaking gets the point if I donít uphold the challenge. And by the way, they can repeat the subject that I give them. Let us begin the show this week with Tony Slattery. Tony, can you talk for 60 seconds on London nightlife starting now.

TONY SLATTERY: Well I suppose the answer to that question would be what bloody nightlife but that might be a bit cynical. I remember when I was a schoolboy, I and a gang of naughty chums would often go up to Soho to see exotic girlie shows! And one of them I particularly remember said on the banner outside this particular establishment...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Vranch youíve challenged.

RICHARD VRANCH: I think weíve had two particulars.

NP: Yes you have two particulars, yes. He was remembering and his mind had gone on what he saw. Richard you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that of course and you take over the subject. And there are 40 seconds left starting now.

RV: Well the nightlife in London is extremely good but extremely expensive...

BUZZ

NP: And Tony Slattery...

TS: Oh I think there were two extremelies.

NP: It was, he got extremely tongue tied. Tony you got back in, another point to you for a correct challenge, 36 seconds are left starting now.

TS: Back to the salacious spectacle, ladies and gentlemen. A banner outside...

BUZZ

NP: Um Tony Hawks has challenged.

TONY HAWKS: I think you mentioned the banner in your previous go.

NP: Yes there was a banner, too many banners.

TS: God!

NP: Youíve been waving your banners!

TH: Weíll never know what your story is, will we.

NP: No, are you, well weíll come.. right, Tony another correct challenge, a point to you, 31 seconds, starting now.

TH: London is well-known as being the entertainment capital of the world. And I like to take full advantage of this by going round every evening and drinking myself silly in the local pub. Of course there are ways you can take ah...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery you have got in again! Hesitation Iím sure. Right and there are 18 seconds left, will we ever have the end of this story about London nightlife starting now.

TS: The luminescent thing outside this place said ping-pong...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

TH: I think you said outside in the first one as well!

NP: He said outside. Youíve been outside that place so long, we want you to get inside. Heíll never get in there. Right Tony Hawks, London nightlife still the subject, 12 seconds starting now.

TH: Discotheques are a marvellous place to go. I like to do my disco dancing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud you challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: I made a mistake!

NP: Itís a big man who can admit he makes a mistake in front of all those viewers as well! Well Clement it means as Tony was speaking he gets a point because he was interrupted. He keeps the subject, London nightlife, eight seconds Tony starting now.

TH: I too went up to Soho and saw this impressive banner outside a sexual haunt. I was drawn by the lights outside. I...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever was speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point and on this occasion it was Tony Hawks. And at the end of the first round he has the most number of points. Richard Vranch will you take the next round, the subject is Londonís finest sight. I think Tony Slattery was actually working to it in the last round but he never got it out, did he. Sixty seconds, as usual...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: What an audience weíve got in! Richard Vranch, the subject is... please youíre getting me hysterical! Londonís finest sight, 60 seconds starting now.

RV: Without doubt, Londonís finest sight is a distant yellow glow approaching you on the street. Yes, a taxi with its lights on. One of these vehicles comes towards you and youíre desperately trying to get home after an evening looking at banners in Soho, then itís the warmest thing you could imagine. When the vehicle...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Ah repetition of thing and hesitation and vehicle.

NP: Donít rub it in!

CF: I thought, having got it wrong before...

NP: Yes! Clement, yes, you got hesitation well, and the other one, right. Londonís finest sight is with you Clement, 41 seconds starting now.

CF: It is believed that Nicholas Parsons has Londonís finest sight. Which is why he wears glasses and is slightly deaf. if you go to the top of the Post Office Tower and look towards Canary Wharf, then along the Thames past the ships and barges, the boats and tankers along that river, you will find trees of all kinds, banks, buildings, trees...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Repetition of banks.

NP: Yes, you can look across the banks, and now you said you see banks.

CF: Different sort of banks!

NP: But you canít wriggle out of it that way Clement. So Tony Slattery has a correct challenge, a point, of course, 15 seconds on Londonís finest sight starting now.

TS: Londonís finest sight is this place in Soho which I used to go to. And there was stirrup attachments inside and an extraordinary selection of people. Unfortunately they were just actually playing a kind of sport which had nothing to do with what was...

WHISTLE

NP: And weíll never know what the sport was, will we? Right, Tony Slattery was then speaking when the whistle went and gained the extra point for doing so. Heís now equal in the lead with Tony Hawks at the end of that round. Clement Freud, will you take the next round. Clement, another subject about London, Roman London. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Rome and London are really two of my favourite cities. And Iíd like to talk about London first of all. When the Romans...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks you got in first, yes.

TH: Well he just stopped there.

NP: He did indeed. Yes he was amazed by his own brilliance I think. You have 51 seconds to tell us something about Roman London, Tony starting now.

TH: Fortunately I am an expert on Roman London. There is nothing you can ask me about this particular subject I will not be able to tell you. Roman London is well known for its straight roads. The A40 was built by a Roman called Chris. He wore a hat on his head. And now Iíve run out of the things I know about it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Iíd better come in in that case.

NP: Right hesitation, Roman London back with you Clement, 31 seconds starting now.

CF: It was the Romansí last successful campaign, getting England and Scotland. And they named Piccadilly and Pall Mall...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Tony Slattery?

TS: Iím sorry, itís a bit cruel, I think there was a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, he was trying to Romanise...

CF: Between two words?

NP: Yes, yes, yes, Roman London is with you Tony Slattery...

TS: Yes I need a shave now!

NP: Right, Roman London is with you, 22 seconds, Tony Slattery starting now.

TS: Roman London less than the city of Bath, was famous for its baths and sauna, even though that isnít a particularly Roman word. People used to go in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and heís taken the lead at the end of that round. Heís two ahead of Tony Hawks and Clement Freudís in third place and Richard Vranch is trailing a little in fourth. And Tony Hawks your turn to begin, another London subject here, London fiddles. Will you tell us something about that and not about Rome fiddling please, because your knowledge of Roman London is really devastating. London fiddles, 60 seconds starting now.

TH: I am a very honest person so fiddling would not enter into my experience of life. However you do see people on the Tube trying to get away without paying the correct fare. Now people wait at the end of...

BUZZ

NP: And Richard Vranch has challenged.

RV: Two people.

NP: There were two peoples, yes there were Richard. Youíve got in...

TH: There were two people you see.

NP: Richard, 47 seconds are left for London fiddles starting now.

RV: I think the biggest fiddle in London is the fact that we have to pay 20p a pint more for our beer than anywhere else in this country. And I donít think that it costs more to make the beer or bring it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud came in first.

CF: Two beers.

NP: Two beers yes. Clement, London fiddles is with you and there are 36 seconds left starting now.

CF: In my opinion the most appalling London fiddle is those banners that you see in Soho where these clubs and all kinds of sleazy goings-on tempt passers-by to come and part with their hard earned tax paid money in order to see women of no great beauty or pulpitude taking off garments...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Ah I think Iíve made a mistake now.

NP: You think you were trying a bit too hard.

TH: Yes.

NP: Yes I donít think he made any of the mistakes within the rules of Just A Minute.

TH: Sorry Clement.

NP: Thatís all right, he gets another point.

TH: Yes he does.

CF: Yes.

NP: Donít apologise to him because heís um, he goes forward in points and he has 14 seconds to go forward on London fiddles starting now.

CF: Another fiddle in London is restaurants that tell you two people can eat for the price of one without explaining how infinitely the overcharge on the single person is...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: I think thereís bad grammar, how infinitely the overcharge on the single person is.

CF: You missed a word.

TS: Oh Iím so sorry, what was it.

CF: Thatís all right!

NP: What was it Clement?

CF: Well, weíll watch the programme when itís played back!

NP: I have to judge on that, I have to uphold a decision on that.

TS: Well uphold it.

NP: I think actually Tony, that he wasnít, he was deviating from grammar, what as it is spoke.

CF: Mmmm!

NP: So you have three seconds Tony on London fiddles starting now.

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation. Right Tony Hawks, two seconds, London fiddles starting now.

TH: There is a music shop in Charing Cross Road that sells the finest London fiddles...

WHISTLE

NP: Tony Hawks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Heís still in second place behind Tony Slattery, our leader. And Tony Slattery your turn to begin. Why Iím not in the National Portrait Gallery. Iím not referring to myself. That is the subject, we want Tony Slattery to talk on if he can in this game starting now.

TS: MY painting was painted, weirdly, in 1862 by a psychic who imagined what I would look like. The Board of the National Portrait Gallery decided that this was a foolish way in which to get my particular portraiture as the French call it into that esteemed and magisterial building. I was also depicted nude and at the time this caused an outcry among certain ladies of the upper class who decided their petticoats would not...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Vranch has challenged.

RV: I think weíve had two decideds.

NP: Yes, they decided before. Well listened Richard, well listened. Why Iím not in the National Portrait Gallery, that is the subject, itís with you and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

RV: The reason I am not in the National Portrait Gallery is because I am at the moment a panellist on the panel game Just A Minute. However after this has finished I shall immediately jump into a taxi and go to this building where I shall look at all of the images hung on the walls and I shall marvel at the skill...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery challenged.

TS: Iím sorry, there were two shalls. I shall look, and I shall marvel.

NP: Richard, Iím afraid that was a correct challenge so I have to give it to Tony Slattery, and say the subject is still why I am not in the National Portrait Gallery and there are seven seconds left starting now.

TS: Well I take it to mean why youíre not in the National Portrait Gallery and thereís an obvious reason for that, because...

BUZZ

NP: Why? Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Itís not the subject weíre discussing.

NP: Why I am not in the National Portrait Gallery...

CF: Itís not why youíre not in the National Portrait Gallery.

TH: I think heís right.

CRIES OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you, thank you audience. I like a little bit of back-up occasionally. Thatís confirmed to me now that Clement Freud was right, he has the subject, heís got in with three seconds to go starting now.

CF: I am, my pictureís been taken away to be cleaned.

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so and we are now going to do something slightly different. In front of me is a circular area which will part me in a moment and through there will appear an object.

OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL

NP: Now they have no knowledge of this object which will revolve round there, and theyíre going to try and talk on that object if they can for 60 seconds. Richard Vranch will you begin, 60 seconds starting now.

RV: This object is the death mask of the inventor of the railway steam kettle. These very special devices are used on trains for making beverages where no other form of heating is available. The chap who created the first example of this contraption was a very famous Englishman in his day and wanted his image to be immortalised when he died so that he could appear on this programme. And in front of us now you see this poor sod, going round and round...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Repetition of round.

RV: Absolutely right, yes.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

TH: Itís cruel but he said round, then one other word, then round again!

NP: So there are 23 seconds Tony Hawks, for you to tell us something about this object starting now.

TH: This is the mask of a Roman man called Chris, who normally has this on but doesnít at the moment. He was well-known for only having half a head. In fact it had been blown away in a Roman chariot exercise...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: There were two Romans.

NP: Two Romans, yes. Clement, will you tell us something about this object in 11 seconds starting now.

CF: Edna St Vincent Millay, Maurice Martalink, Robert Louis Stevenson, William Makepeace Thackeray...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks.

TH: Heís just listing all the names he knows!

NP: Yes but what is your challenge?

TH: Deviation.

NP: First time weíve had that challenge, Iím amazed! Four seconds for you Tony with another point starting now.

TH: This man clearly went to...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Tony Slattery.

TS: He said man twice.

NP: You said man, you said man last time you were speaking, yes. Youíve got in cleverly with three seconds to go, Tony Slattery starting now.

TS: Curiously itís my face, this face... ah! Ah!

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No! No! Clement you challenged before.

CF: Ah two faces.

NP: There were two faces then you got in, Iím afraid on the bell on this. So there are two seconds to talk on this object starting now.

CF: Nose!

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then officially speaking when the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so, but do any of our panellists know...

OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE

NP: Well that was strange wasnít it. I wasnít expecting that. Does anybody know what that was? If they do, Iíll give them a bonus point.

TS: Was it George the Third?

NP: No it wasnít. It was David Garrickís death mask. Oh arenít our audience impressed! Oh dear, weíve reached the halfway mark in our contest. Well letís see what the scores are as we do that. Well Tony Slatteryís in the lead, only two points ahead of Tony Hawks and then Clement Freud and Richard Vranch in that order. And we have to leave you. But er weíll be back in the second half... yes weíll be back for the second half of Just A Minute...

TS: Nurse! Nurse!

NP: ... in just half a couple of minutes after this.

THEME MUSIC

COMMERCIAL BREAK

THEME MUSIC

NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute for more trivial nonsense, backbiting and one-upmanship from our distinguished team. And right now weíre going to do something slightly different. Iíve been giving them something on which to talk, we are now going to ask our audience to suggest a subject on which theyíd like to hear our bright, intelligent, witty, erudite panellists discourse. Right, letís have some suggestions from the audience for a subject.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Cleopatraís needle.

NP: Yes thatís nice, a nice London subject. The gentleman there with the ghastly tie.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: The Wom... the Wombles of Wimbledon Common.

NP: The Wombles of Wimbledon Common. Yes, the yellow shirt?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Traffic wardens.

NP: Traffic wardens. Yes I think weíll go with traffic wardens, donít you? Right, Clement Freud would you talk on the subject of traffic wardens, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Confucius wrote that it was a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek a highborn Emperor in a low-down tea shop. And which is exactly why it is stupid to pretend that there is an iota of niceness, decency or honour among those people who put cards and... placards...

BUZZ

NP: Richard Vranch.

CF: ...on the windscreens of your property...

NP: Youíve been challenged Clement.

CF: There was a bit of hesitation there.

NP: There was definite hesitation. Richard, the subject is traffic wardens, there are 37 seconds left starting now.

RV: Traffic wardens are the nicest, most gentle, peaceful, beautiful people...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the audience applause endorses the fact that Clement has a correct challenge, 33 seconds on traffic wardens Clement starting now.

CF: I would not let any of my children become traffic wardens, were they to ask. And I have five, none of whom fortunately had any incentive or desire to be so beastly to the general public as to inconvenience their God-given right to park their cars where they liked. And I think Iíll stop there!

BUZZ

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: A former politician, I think you realise you canít just park wherever you want to. But Tony you got in first.

TH: Yes I think hesitation or stopping.

NP: Ten seconds for you to tell us something about traffic wardens, Tony starting now.

TH: I would like to take up the opposite view to Clement Freud on this particular matter. Imagine the streets without these bold noble people. They would be packed full with double parked vehicles. No-one would...

WHISTLE

NP: I think Tony Hawks has got his fan club in really. That applause was out of all proportion to the extra point he gained for speaking when the whistle went. Because heís now in the lead with Tony Slattery. Right, we go into the final round to see whoís going to win with Tony Slattery beginning on the London Underground. Sixty seconds, starting now.

TS: I hate the London Underground with a passion which forebears me to really go further enough to say just how much...

BUZZ

TS: (laughs)

NP: Richard Vranch challenged.

TS: Thatís rubbish!

NP: I know!

RV: Thatís what my challenge is as well.

NP: Further enough yes, lovely English isnít it. Fifty-one seconds for you to tell us something about the London Underground starting now.

RV: The...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: That was quite a big hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation. Fifty seconds for you on the London Underground starting now.

TS: Iím sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, yes Richard? Hesitation?

RV: Yes.

NP: Well done, the London Underground Richard starting now.

RV: The London...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Clement Freud?

CF: Deviation, he was very quick that time.

NP: Yes! Well I canít have him for deviation, but you could have him for hesitation but itís a bit late now. Richard has another point, 48 seconds starting now.

RV: The London Underground is the very first of these things built in the world. Since then many other systems of trains beneath the streets have been constructed. Thereís a marvellous one in Cairo. But the London Underground is the one we travel on. Itís very very...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery got in first.

TS: I think repetition of very.

NP: Very very, yes. The London Undergroundís back with you Tony, 30 seconds starting now.

TS: I lost my virginity on the Central Line...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: I just donít want to hear about it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So you donít want to hear about it, whatís your challenge?

TH: Good taste, deviation from taste.

NP: Yes all right, as itís a close contest and Tony Hawks, youíre just one in the lead, letís see what happens. Weíll be a little bit naughty here, 30 seconds, London Underground with you Tony starting now.

TH: I had a friend who was very keen on building model towns. And his parents forbad him from doing this. So he had to dig a hole in the ground and make a city...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Slattery.

TS: Iím sorry, if weíre being a bit cruel, I think...

NP: I think it was a hesitation yes. Youíre back in there, 20 seconds on the London Underground and losing your virginity at the same time starting now.

TS: Ladies and gentlemen, when is the extension of the Jubilee Line going to happen? It should in fact...

BUZZ

NP: Tony Hawks has challenged.

TH: Repetition of Line.

NP: Yes.

TH: You talked about Line earlier.

NP: Central Line, yes. All back to the other thing that happened on the Central Line. Tony Hawks, oh yes, equal, equal stevens between the two Tonys. Eleven seconds starting now.

TH: Some people are dishonest, they donít buy...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: We had people before.

NP: Yes you did, you mentioned people right earlier on in this round. London Underground is with you Clement, nine seconds starting now.

CF: I believe there are many stations beneath the ground in London, in which people travel from one place to another. I personally have been fortunate enough not to have encountered this...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went and had an extra point for doing so. Equal, equal in the lead, a very fair final situation, the two Tonys, Tony Slattery and Tony Hawks, our joint winners this week. Before we go, a serious word of warning. Remember these people make it look easy, but theyíre professionals. So please if you play this game at home, donít do it without taking proper precautions. It only remains for me to say on behalf of Tony Slattery, Richard Vranch, Tony Hawks, Clement Freud and myself, Nicholas Parsons, we hope you have enjoyed. Until we meet for another round of Just A Minute, good-bye.

THEME MUSIC