JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 5 December 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we are delighted to welcome back once again into the fourth chair, or the ladyís chair, Aimi Macdonald, who we hope once again will bring out the best in our three unchivalrous but very clever players and regular male competitors in the game. Once again I want them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth will you start for us this week, and talk about, oh what a lovely subject to start the show with, putting a bold face on it. Heís rubbing his chest! Kenneth will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: This really begins with the ancient Britons who did it with the wode all over. And emulated of course Boadicea, and the other well known great chieftain Ethel, who did it with henna in her hair. And when it went red, they all said ďoh Ethelred the Unready!Ē Thatís true, thatís how she got the name. And she rushed into Backport with all of it flowing...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AIMI MACDONALD: Well deviation, because he said it was a chieftain called Ethel!

NP: Well yes...

AM: Thatís a man.

NP: Well he was making a little joke, I think, to say how Ethelred er became known by that particular name.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: There might even have been a chieftain called Ethel at that time, Iím not quite sure Aimi. So Iíll tell you what weíll do as his historical knowledge is superior to all of us. Weíll give him the benefit of the doubt about Ethel...

AM: Weíll give him the benefit, all right.

NP: ... and say that it was a wrong challenge. Therefore Kenneth has a point, he keeps the subject, there are 34 seconds left and you start now.

KW: ďMake a stand against the Romans, put a bold face on it,Ē they said to her. So she met him at the Thames, and he said they all ring these bowlers because your drains are appalling. And she said ďyes, because itís an old custom to politely lift your hat when you see a pretty stranger, is there anything wrong in that?Ē ďOh no!Ē he said, and pulled her club off her waist, because she had it swinging there, shoved her one right across the bonce, and they got off. And thatís how the whole conquest of Britain under the Romans and the Tudenising of our tongue...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Repetition of Romans.

NP: Yes we did have the Romans before, Iím afraid.

PJ: He said Romans twice.

KW: What was the timing?

NP: The timing was brilliant on Peterís part...

PJ: It sounded like about five and a half minutes!

NP: Only one and a half seconds to go!

KW: What a... You can see what heís up to, canít you!

NP: Yes and if you...

KW: Heís trying to get in on it, isnít he!

NP: Yes well, if you could do the same, you would be doing it, wouldnít you.

KW: Yes I suppose youíre right.

NP: Yes! Anyway there were about five he saids in that particular right.

PJ: Yes he seemed to be flagging a bit.

NP: Peter you got in very well with only one and a half seconds to go, you have a point for a correct challenge, you have the subject, putting a bold face on it starting now.

PJ: You must try and smile...

WHISTLE

NP: Well those who follow the game will know that after 60 seconds a whistle is blown by Ian Messiter which tells us that we have no more time for that round. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. Peter Jones you have done it, you have two points, Kenneth has one, and Clement Freud you have yet to speak so will you begin the next round.

CLEMENT FREUD: Good evening.

NP: The subject, last words. Not the first ones.

CF: Oh.

NP: That is the subject, curiously enough. Last words, Clement...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I must explain to the listeners that that laugh came because Kenneth very delicately kissed his ear before he started! It looked like it anyway, just to encourage him. Clement, last words, perhaps he was whispering some last words in your ear. Would you talk on it anyway now for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When Voltaire, often known as that great French sage, lay on his death bed, a priest came to him and said ďis it time now for you to forsake the devil and all his works?Ē and Voltaire said ďit seems a bit late in life to start making enemies.Ē Iíve always thought that those were probably the most intelligent last words that were ever used, much more so than those of WC Fields who wrote ďat least Iím not in PhiladelphiaĒ which legend now embraces his tombstone. A head waiter I know had written as his epitaph ďGod finally caught his eyeĒ, admirably suited I feel to the catering industry. I wish somebody would buzz...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you.

KW: Only because it seemed to be flagging. A hesitation.

NP: Seemed to be flagging? He, he absolutely admitted that he was flagging and asked for a challenge. And you came to his rescue so you have seven seconds on last words Kenneth and you start now.

KW: Gladstoneís were ďooooooohhhh I could do with one of Bellamyís pork pies!Ē And...

WHISTLE

NP: At the end of that round, Kenneth Williams, speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point and youíll be delighted to hear...

KW: Iím in the lead?

NP: Yes!

KW: Aaaaaahhhhh! Oh itís all happening! Theyíll be coming up to my door and making me some very nice propositions! Itís all happening, isnít it!

NP: You have three, you have a lead of one over Peter Jones, and a lead of three over Clement Freud and Aimi Macdonald who have yet to score.

KW: Oh I...

NP: The programme is only about five minutes over so youíve got to really keep it up if youíre going to sustain that.

KW: Yes!

NP: Right, Aimi Macdonald we come to you, would you now talk on the subject of knickers. I must say that Ian Messiter thinks of the subjects, not me. Thatís what Ianís thought of, would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

AM: There is indeed a very very wide range of (splutters)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged right away.

CF: Ah there were two verys.

NP: Yes but Aimi Macdonald doesnít play as often as you, and sheíd only been speaking for two seconds, so she gets a bonus point because you challenged! There are 56 seconds for knickers now, still with you Aimi starting now.

AM: Iím trying to talk about the range of knickers. We all start off wearing nappies, donít we? And then we graduate to long blue ones, navy blue preferably...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

AM: No, that was not repetition because I said navy blue the second time.

NP: You did say navy blue the second time. Letís see what Clementís challenge is. Clement?

CF: You said blue the first time,

NP: You said...

CF: Which sort of makes two blues.

NP: It does make it and you were getting a bit blue...

AM: It doesnít...

KW: Youíre allowed to be blue on that subject, itís knickers, isnít it!

NP: She was being a bit too blue for Just A Minute.

PJ: Yes but you normally award her an extra point!

NP: Iím at liberty to award her an extra point if I feel so inclined, itís a very nice position to be in.

PJ: Well it certainly is, yes.

NP: But on this occasion Iím going to allow Clement Freud to have his repetition of blue...

PJ: Power corrupts, you know.

NP: And Aimi Macdonald corrupts even more. Itís delightful! Aimi, I mean, sorry, Clement, you have a correct challenge... you see where my thoughts lie...

CF: If you get us mixed up, Iím the one whoís got less hair!

NP: Not on your chin though!

CF: I donít know!

NP: I say, I say, I say, letís get on with the programme. I donít wish to know that, kindly leave the auditorium. Right, Clement Freud, you have 50, 47 seconds on knickers starting now.

CF: One of the most extraordinary things about English audiences is that only have to say knickers to them and they roll about in helpless mirth. This has ever amazed me because knickers is a very ordinary stupid boring word for a garment which while it may be necessary...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Repetition, he said knickers twice.

NP: Ah but knickers is the subject...

AM: Oh I mean... I hadnít thought about that...

NP: And you havenít played it very often. Bad luck, Aimi, well there we are. But do remember in future...

AM: I beg your pardon.

NP: ...you are allowed to repeat the subject on the card.

AM: Yes of course.

NP: So we will ignore the challenge because you havenít been with us for quite a time. Clement...

PJ: Are you coming again fairly soon, Aimi?

NP: Twenty-eight seconds for you Clement Freud on knickers starting now?

CF: Knickers is occasionally used for a pet name for people called Nicholas. And indeed our beloved chairman...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: ...used to be called Knickers when a small boy. I went to school with him for some extraordinary reason because we lived fairly close...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, whatís his going to school with you got to do with knickers?

NP: Heís going to talk about my Nicholas!

PJ: Well itís got quite a bit to do with him getting points!

KW: Oh I see!

NP: Well heís established...

PJ: The old school tie network! We havenít got a chance!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No, he clearly in my mind established the connection between Knickers and Nicholas Parsons. So he has, he was not deviating...

KW: You admit then, publicly do you, and on the air, to being called Knickers?

NP: To being called Knicker-less!

KW: We come out ďoh Knickers ParsonsĒ now, do we?

PJ: Knicker-less!

NP: Knicker-less!

KW: What!

PJ: When he lost them, he was called Knicker-less!

KW: Oh Knicker-less!

NP: Because I didnít have any!

KW: I didnít know this! Is it another story? I never knew that you had no knickers!

NP: Clement Freud, you should listen to what the others say in the show Kenneth. It might help you to get more points. This is what Clement was going on about.

KW: Oh I see, I do withdraw. I withdraw my allegations. Iím so sorry.

NP: There were no allegations, they were great fun. I disagree with the challenge, Clement has a point, 12 seconds on knickers Clement starting now.

CF: In the early part of this century one of the commonest crimes was for me to put a piece of looking glass into the sole of their shoe and slide it under ladies who were walking past. And by looking down they were able...

WHISTLE

NP: Such devious ideas kept Clement Freud going until the whistle went...

CF: Itís true!

NP: ... gained the extra point... I know but itís still a devious idea, isnít it. It may be true...

CF: The first idea might be devious, after that, it was repetition.

NP: Oh donít be so difficult, Clement! Youíve now gone into the lead, alongside Kenneth Williams. Kenneth, will you begin, the subject is making friends. Can you talk to us about that now for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: What is the meaning, the real thing behind a relationship? Whereby you can pour it all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Well itís sort of cheating really, isnít it. I mean, heís drawing out all these words so that it takes...

KW: Isnít it marvellous?

AM: ... fewer words to speak a longer time...

KW: Innit marvellous!

PJ: Yes and he does it every week you know!

KW: She can hardly talk herself! (does impression of AMís voice)

NP: Kenneth...

PJ: But Aimi doesnít come in here very often!

KW: I donít care if she comes here often, or if she comes here at all!

NP: Kenneth! Weíll send you back to Kingís Cross for a bit...

CF: I think itís a mistake having women on the programme.

KW: We should never have had women on this programme! Never! Never!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: They give us trouble endlessly, donít they Clement?

NP: Kenneth!

CF: We never have any women on this side.

KW: No! Thank goodness for that!

CF: We manage, we manage very well indeed!

NP: You are not going to lose the subject...

CF: Oh good!

NP: But...

CF: You want to give Aimi a point?

NP: ...what I was going to say to you...

CF: You want to give Aimi a point!

NP: No, I...

CF: You donít want to give Aimi a point?

NP: Clement Freud, youíre worse than Kenneth Williams. I was about to say, I was about to say that if you do go any further, any slower, that I will interpret it as hesitation or even deviation. And Iím just warning you that you were going as slow as you could possibly go. You have 43 seconds to continue at that speed on making friends starting now.

KW: Well now itís ruined me, because Iíve lost all me flow!

BUZZ

NP: Your flow? Iíve never seen so much flow! It was flowing... what was your challenge, Clement challenged you.

CF: Deviation.

NP: No he wasnít devious, you have another point. Um he was going on making friends, he made a friend with me then. Um 40 seconds on making friends Kenneth starting now.

KW: (in Winston Churchill slow voice, slower than earlier) Stretch out your hair and stand. A faithful one will take it, nay in return. And then what is worth keeping will with a breath of kindness blow all the evil thought away, and say here is my one true love who came from the nether regions, least expected but most wanted and desired. And I glanced at him in my arms, said, like a brother wept, and said this is the greatest moment of all. Can we...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Winston Churchill was then speaking as the whistle went and so he gained an extra point for Kenneth Williams who has now increased his lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud would you begin the next round. From making friends, we have making enemies. Can you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: I find it so incredibly difficult to make enemies that the only way Iíve managed is to produce them myself. I buy quite a lot of rubber and string, and bits of plank, and I create my own enemies. I make their legs and tie them together at the top with straw, and then using asbestos and plaster-of-paris I fashion a body upon which I put a neck, followed by a head. Using my thumb and forefinger, I indent the surface...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Deviation, I donít know what, heís not talking about making enemies.

NP: No, theyíre inanimate enemies. I mean enemies, one assumes, you...

CF: Theyíre still enemies.

NP: Why?

CF: Theyíre going to hate me!

NP: Oh thatís only in your fantasy. Because an inanimate object has, is incapable of hate. Youíve admitted it. I agree with Aimiís challenge, making enemies is still with you Aimi with 27 seconds to go starting now.

AM: It is obviously much easier to make enemies than it is to make friends. All you have to do really is to walk up to somebody and stick your tongue out, or say something rude, and immediately youíve got one of those... things...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes she stuck her tongue out and...

AM: I couldnít say anything.

NP: Yes, you looked for an enemy and Clement Freud challenged. There are 12 seconds on making enemies now Clement starting now.

CF: Go up to almost anyone and say ďyou foul mouthed halitosis swine! You dungeon dirty grubby piggy...Ē

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Oh no! Peter Jones, Peterís challenge came in just before the whistle. What is it?

PJ: He hesitated. If it had been another few seconds, he wouldnít have been able to say anything.

NP: Peter, well tried. There was only half a second to go, but if you try too hard, Iím afraid all that happens is that the person youíre competing against gets another point alas because it was an incorrect challenge. So at the end of that round, Clement Freud was speaking when the whistle went. He has increased his position in second place, but Kenneth Williams is still in the lead. And Peter Jones, your turn to begin. Conkers. That is the subject, will you talk on it now for Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: The fruit of the horse chestnut. What delightful things they are. Hard, round, and the colour of mahogany...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation, theyíre not round.

NP: Well theyíre not symmetrically round but they are of a round shape, as opposed to being square. I would never describe a conker as square or rectangular or rhomboid. I would say, if I was trying to keep going for Just A Minute colloquially, I would say it was round.

CF: You would?

NP: I would.

CF: Aha.

KW: What school again?

NP: If you like, I can always....

CF: No, no, no! No, no, no!

NP: I can always put it to the audience and ask them...

CF: No, no, no!

NP: No, you donít wish to. All right Peter, conkers is still with you and there are 52 seconds to go starting now.

PJ: They look good enough to eat, but they donít taste very nice. And they donít smell either. You can however play a game with them. You pierce a hole through, from the bottom to the top, or vice versa, thread some string through and tie a knot. Then if you can find an adjacent small boy with the same equipment, you can stand facing each other and snatch away at each otherís conkers. Iíve done this several times and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Of course Iím challenging! Whatís he talking about! Half this audience is appalled! Where are you going to find an adjacent small boy? Whatís an adjacent small boy? Have you ever heard of an adjacent small boy? If you can find an adjacent small boy?

PJ: Well, under a tree!

NP: Have you never played conkers?

KW: Iím not discussing that!

PJ: You canít...

KW: Well what is an adjacent small boy?

PJ: You canít play it with a boy who isnít adjacent!

NP: Absolutely!

PJ: Because you canít reach!

KW: If this is a valid game, why canít you play it with someone your own age! You dirty... going about looking for adjacent small boys! I accuse you of deviation, the whole deviation!

NP: All right, youíve now come out with your challenge, youíve accused him of deviation. To my mind he was not deviating from the subject of conkers, the small boy that he was going to play with had to be adjacent to him and that was what to my mind he was wishing to establish. And so we continue with you Peter and there are 23 seconds left on conkers starting now.

PJ: And the outside is very prickly which reminds me of a number of people I know...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. Why?

KW: The outside of a conker aint prickly at all! He said itís smooth and round, now heís gone back on it all and said itís prickly!

PJ: The outside cover is prickly.

NP: No actually Peter, I think Iíve got to be fair here. The outside cover...

PJ: Why start being fair at this point in the thing!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! You almost deserve a bonus point for that, Peter! Conker is to my mind the article inside, that rounded article which is brown and the covering, the horse chestnut green is the spiky bit. Therefore weíre not on conkers, I agree with Kennethís challenge, you have 17 seconds Kenneth, conkers starting now.

KW: The word of course has come to mean barmy. They say heís stark raving conkers. And this now...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: No, they say bonkers! They donít say conkers!

NP: All right! Kenneth Williams is now giving an impression of someone whoís stark raving bonkers! Peter Jones has a correct challenge and a point and conkers is back with you, 10 seconds starting now.

PJ: And it is of course something that people do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: You rotten thing!

CF: I do...

PJ: I didnít say of course.

CF: Yes you did! You did! You said of course.

NP: You did, Iím afraid. And I have to be fair within the rules of the game, you said it once, and if he wishes to challenge on it then I have to award him a point and tell him he has seven seconds on conkers Clement starting now.

CF: When I was 10 years old, I had a fiver which meant a conker which had conquished or vanquished or won...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he has taken the lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin, roundabouts. Can you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I adore them! And when I get on the Khyam which are scooter like in their motion, you have to put one hand down to almost propel the entire machine, so to speak, which are in certain childrenís playgrounds. I adore them, the adrenaline flows...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonaldís challenged.

AM: Heís just said I adore twice.

NP: Yes Iím afraid you did Kenneth. So Aimi...

KW: Sharp! Straight out of the knife box, isnít she!

NP: So Aimi your sharp challenge gained you a point and the subject and there are 44 seconds on roundabouts starting now.

AM: I agree with Kenneth, theyíre absolutely fantastic. You get on and sweep round until youíre absolutely dizzy and you canít go round...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of absolutely.

NP: Yes but she was giving an impression of being absolutely dizzy and she was absolutely dizzy as she did it...

CF: Give her a point!

NP: Whatís that?

CF: So she gets a point!

NP: Iíll put it to the audience. Itís the last round, we have so little time left to play this game. Do you think I should be generous to Aimi because she doesnít play as much as the others? Or do you think I should be fair to Clement and give him a point? If you think Clement should have the point, will you cheer, and if you think Aimi, will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Aimi theyíre booing you. Youíve got a point from them, roundabouts...

PJ: Did you go to school with Aimi Macdonald?

NP: No I was just...

AM: Have I got a point?

NP: Youíve got a point from the audience...

AM: For being booed?

NP: Yes, I said if they boo, itís for Aimi Macdonald. I even was generous to Clement and said they could cheer for him for once, instead of booing him.

AM: Oh they were booing for Clement?

NP: No, no, they were booing for you to have a point.

AM: Oh I see.

NP: So you have a point and I wasnít at school with Aimi alas. Iím not quite as young as she is. Aimi you have 35 points... 35, thank you, 35 seconds for roundabouts starting now.

AM: It...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: All right, I must be fair this time. Clement you have 33 seconds on roundabouts starting now.

CF: I was once told that what I lost on the swings, I would make up on the roundabouts, and having gone without a great deal of...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Peter, you have roundabouts now and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

PJ: I like them when they have horses and bits of tubular brass going up and down, and a steam organ. That always makes them much more attractive in my mind. And you can get on a swing perhaps which goes right out, centrifugal force causing it to go almost horizontal, over the heads of the gaping crowds at the fairground...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, because heís stopped talking about roundabouts, talked about hobby horses and that thing...

NP: But the roundabouts at the fair are all...

PJ: Theyíve got swings on, you see.

NP: I mean if you were at the fair, you always refer to everything as a swing or a, you know...

AM: Oh itís the aeroplane things, theyíre called...

NP: Yes well, or the dodgem cars...

PJ: Theyíre roundabouts because they go round!

NP: Theyíre all roundabouts...

PJ: Oh inevitably, yes.

NP: Well tried, youíre up to the boysí games anyway. Only three seconds to go and you nearly got in, but not quite. Peter you have another point, three seconds, roundabouts starting now.

PJ: When I was a boy I wanted to collect money on these things...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I said earlier, Iím afraid this would have to be the last round in this game of Just A Minute so let me now give you the final score. Aimi Macdonald was only just in fourth place, one point behind Kenneth Williams who was in third place, at one time he was our leader. But he wasnít very far behind Clement Freud who was one point behind this weekís winner, Peter Jones! We do hope youíve enjoyed this weekís edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.