JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMelly
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 December 1972)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well, once again we have four experienced players of the game, and Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without of course hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject which is written on the card in front of me. And again, according to how well they do it, they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement would you talk to us on what they say about me. Thatís the subject that Ian Messiterís thought of, will you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Iíve heard people saying incredibly nice things about doe-ray-far-see-la-tee and the first note again. But what they say about me is altogether nicer, and a most sonorous and melodious note in the entire scale of the musical world. Me is...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

ANDREE MELLY: Hesitation.

CF: How unkind.

NP: Yes yes. Andree I agree with the challenge, you have a point and you have 37 seconds left to talk on what they say about me starting now.

AM: I am really much too modest to tell you but this was...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Complete lies! Sheís not modest at all! Sitting there like that! Thatís what sheís on this programme to do! Itís ludicrous! Deviation! Absolute deviation! To sit on a programme talking your head off and then say Iím too modest to talk about it! Absolute deviation!

NP: Kenneth has a point...

KW: Yes!

NP: ...so he takes over the subject, 35 seconds to go, what they say about me Kenneth starting now.

KW: Well some of the things have been disgraceful and I very nearly had a libel action over one person who put in print...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah if they say something, itís a slander action, not a libel action, so itís deviation.

KW: Oh yes! Heís good, isnít he!

NP: A clever challenge gains you a point Clement and the subject and there are 27 seconds for what they say about me starting now.

CF: What they say about me is there is the man who doesnít like cigarettes, which is very strange because it shows the sort of anarchy or lack of patriotism. If you buy a packet of tobacco, you will find on it endorsements saying the company is providing its products by appointment to Her Royal Highness...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly challenged.

AM: Nothing to do with him, itís all to do with cigarettes, itís deviation.

NP: Yes I think heís got away from what they say about me on to what they say about cigarettes and tobacco.

AM: Yes!

NP: Yes I agree that is a deviation and therefore I agree with your challenge Andree, you have four seconds on what they say about me starting now.

AM: Being an actress of many years standing, and sitting as I am at the moment I remember everything they...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as you know 60 seconds er, as you know when the whistle goes it tells us that 60 seconds is up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Andree Melly who has of course a commanding lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, holding my own. Would you talk on that subject... would you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Itís better to hold your own rather than anybody elseís! It is liable in this world to run into trouble. It is what Kipling means when he says ďto keep yours, when all around are losing theirsĒ. And what the other bloke, Elliott, meant when he said ďto keep oneís countenance and remain self=possessedĒ. Now of course it can be said... to be...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged first then.

KW: Well I was trying to think.

NP: I know you were, we saw it. Clement?

CF: He was trying to think, hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, if you try...

CF: Or put another way...

NP: ... to think in this game, you have had it. And 21 seconds left, holding my own starting now.

CF: Eating a plate of asparagus the other day, I noticed the lady wearing a purple dress sitting across me at the table, grasped the stalk...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: She was sitting across him?

NP: Yes, I thought that was...

KW: If he was eating spaghetti with her across him, I would think he had a job with the spaghetti!

NP: Well I would agree. If she was sitting across him, and he was eating spaghetti, i think itís the most devious situation Iíve ever heard in my life!

KW: I think heíd got...

NP: In fact the more I think about it, the more devious it becomes! I give unreservedly the point and the subject to Kenneth Williams with 13 seconds to go, holding my own Kenneth starting now.

KW: I think this unquestionably refers to pride of ownership. Having once established that youíve got it, nobody else should lay their hands on it. And... be it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh ...

KW: Well I was saying...

NP: Yes you hesitated, because you knew you said on it twice.

KW: I knew that, thatís true.

NP: You thought will they challenge me on such a small word, and they let you get away with it and then you hesitated. And Clement got in, there are three seconds to go Clement, holding my own starting now.

CF: Bismarck herrings and cucumbers...

WHISTLE

NP: I imagine he was going to say they do not hold their own, they come back with great rapidity. Clement Freud you were speaking then when the whistle went so you gain the extra point, you gained other points in the round and youíve now gone into a lead of one over Andree Melly at the end of the round. Peter Jones, your turn to talk. Weíre going to hear from you, how lovely! Peter the subject is being interrupted, which hasnít happened to you yet. So would you talk on the subject for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Well if you donít say anything, of course youíre never interrupted. But itís something that Iíve not had much experience of, because I was taught not to interrupt when I was a child. And consequently didnít er interrupt other people. Now the problem is, and I do hope somebody will interrupt, because I havenít got very much to say on this er subject...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged you.

AM: Out of love and friendship.

NP: But what is your challenge?

AM: Um because he said he hadnít much to say on the subject so it was deviation.

NP: It doesnít matter if he hasnít much to say on the subject, heís still got to keep going. That is a correct challenge, he was not being devious. He kept going even though he requested a challenge. So Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 40 seconds on being interrupted starting now.

PJ: Yes well the great thing is to get going at a tremendous lick, throw in a few clichťs like getting your back to the wall and really examining every avenue and turning over every stone...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: There were two everys.

NP: I agree with your challenge this time, you have 27 seconds, being interrupted, starting now.

AM: Being interrupted is how you lose your thread. And if thereís one thing you donít want to mislay, itís that. Because you feel a complete Charlie, stuck there, umming and ahing, trying to guess what to say next. This subject is the kind of thing that youíre given on Just A Minute so that other people will interrupt you, and the game can go on and sometimes of course, nobody does, which seems to be happening at the moment! So...

WHISTLE

NP: Well on that subject which they all seemed to find difficult, two didnít bother to challenge, they didnít want to come in. Peter tried to get rid of it and Andree did as well. Andree had it when the whistle went so she gains the extra point, sheís taken the lead over Clement Freud. And weíd like you to begin the next round, the subject is the origin of my name. Would you like to talk on that subject for just one minute starting now.

AM: The origin of my name, I think, comes from the French, and means a mess, melee, a sort of fight or scrum, a bit of a squabble, that kind of thing. But on the other hand, we were Italian-Swiss, so perhaps itís nothing to do with that at all. Andree I got because I had two elder brothers, one called George, the other Bill. And my parents felt that Fred or Bert was going a bit too far and they better get a bit flowery, so they decided on the Christian name which I now hold. The origin...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You donít hold a Christian name. You can hold your own, weíve discovered! I think weíre overdoing this metaphor.

NP: This er...

PJ: I think you can. You can hold a name.

NP: You can hold a Christian name, I would say it er, according to the type of English that you speak. If you say...

CF: I suppose if you are a Swiss-Italian!

NP: Yes! A Swiss-Italian with a French name, you might well say the Christian name I now hold is Andree. No, I think you could actually er...

CF: Could you?

NP: ... say that. So Andree we will give you the benefit of the doubt, you keep the subject having gained a point and there are 26 seconds on the origin of my name starting now.

AM: The father of my great-grandfather...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Her two fathers.

NP: No, one was grandfather.

CF: One was great-grandfather.

NP: Great-grandfather, and the other one was father of my great-grandfather. Andree you have another point for an incorrect challenge and there are 23 seconds on the origin of my name starting now.

AM: Was a Swiss watchmaker who came over...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged again.

CF: Weíve already had a Swiss.

NP: We had a Swiss, so Clement you get the subject this time, 20 seconds on the origin of my name starting now.

CF: Clement is an ancient Roman name and many Popes bore this... name...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Ah hesitation.

NP: There are 12 and a half seconds on the origin of my name Peter starting now.

PJ: I donít really know the origin of it, but it isnít very original. I do know that, because Joneses are extremely common, the name is. At least all over Wales, and a lot of England and er America as well. And Peter is also Roman...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then talking on the origin of his name when the whistle went, he gained an extra point, heís now equal in third place with Kenneth Williams, theyíre both trailing behind Clement Freud, who is now two points behind our leader who is still Andree Melly. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, teddy bears. Can you, while holding your own, talk on teddy bears for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: When I was young, there was a song called The Teddy Bearsí Picnic which went ďif you go down to the woods tonight, youíre in for a great surpriseĒ. Then it had the first line all over again, that I canít give you because Iíve already said it...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, why?

PJ: Deviation, itís ďif you go down to the woods todayĒ, itís not tonight.

NP: Thatís right.

PJ: Tonight would be quite a different matter!

NP: And also... Youíre sure of a big surprise. Right, you have a correct challenge Peter, so you have 46 seconds left now on teddy bears starting now.

PJ: Theyíre warm cuddly things, and theyíre always stuffed. And children like to have them er cosy in bed when they go to sleep, because it gives them a warm feeling of being...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two warms.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so Peter. So there are 35 seconds left on teddy bears with you Clement starting now.

CF: I had a teddy bear myself when small, who was called Fridgey, which was short for an ice bear. He was short with a white nose and red flippers. Iím not at all sure for the reason, but in my day...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think there was...

CF: Yes.

NP: ...and I would agree. He who hesitates is lost in this game. Nineteen seconds left for teddy bears with you Andree starting now.

AM: You could say in a manner of speaking that Clement Freud was one, and Nicholas Parsons was not, if you know what I mean. This...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: I donít know what she means!

NP: No! And Iím sure I donít know what you mean.

AM: A teddy bear.

NP: Oh. So your, your challenge is? Deviation?

CF: Obviously.

NP: Yes. You donít know what she means so itís devious...

PJ: Teddy bears...

NP: I must say she was keeping going on the subject even though it didnít make sense.

AM: It made a lot of sense! Ladies will all know!

NP: All right then, once again I will call on our audience. If you agree with Clementís challenge, would you cheer, and if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well obviously, they seem to think that Clement Freud is like a teddy bear and Iím not like a teddy bear. But um whatever that means I donít know, but Andree they decided you werenít deviating from the subject so you keep it and you have nine and a half seconds left, teddy bears starting now.

AM: Little girls of four have them, teddy bears that is. And sometimes large film stars of 24 also like them which I always think is a peculiar and...

WHISTLE

NP: So Andree Melly kept going on the subject until the end, so the whistle went, she gained the extra point and sheís increased her lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams would you begin the next round, the subject, Alexander the Great. So from teddy bears, we move into history. And would you talk on that subject for just one minute starting now.

KW: Well I believe he was a very sulky young man, and went right off at his Dad, because he said he was drunk as a lord one night. And of course he was the King, Philip, he was the second wasnít he, of Macedonia. And then he became the great conqueror, rushing right through Asia Minor and back and the whole of course of India. And was very vain, wanted to be thought of always youthful, so shaved and made it fashionable to be beardless, unlike my eminent friend who I shall not name, but leave to you to guess...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.

PJ: Heís being very er devious because heís talking about Clement Freud, and not Alexander the Great.

NP: Yes he was comparing him to Alexander the Great, which is very flattering for Clement Freud.

PJ: I donít think there is any comparison! I donít think you could compare them.

KW: No, well he tried to and he didnít therefore deviate from the subject on the card, Alexander the Great. So he keeps the subject, there are 19 seconds left starting now.

KW: And then he had this terrible fever, and he died at only 33, having married this Persian...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Is this Alexander the Great?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Why, do you think itís Clement Freud then?

NP: The way he plays the game, we sometimes think it is, yes. All right, so I give you a point for a very witty challenge which was completely nothing to do with the programme. And let Kenneth carry on with 13 seconds to go on the subject starting now.

KW: The greatest teacher of the Alexandrian method once pandiculated all over me and I was...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: (laughing) Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: You donít believe he did pandiculate all over him?

CF: Definitely not.

NP: Oh absolutely.

KW: On the contrary he did. Pandiculate is to yawn, Clement, and thatís what he did all over me.

CF: You canít...

NP: What, Alexander?

KW: No, I said a teacher. Werenít you listening to what I said?

NP: We were listening but we had difficulty...

KW: Am I wasting my time sitting here? Iíve come all the way from Kingís Cross! I mean Iíve come here at great expense. I do think I should be treated with respect!

NP: Iím sorry, youíre getting very emotional.

KW: Do I keep the subject, or lose it, or what?

NP: How er...

PJ: Well he admits he wasnít talking about Alexander the Great!

KW: On the subject of! You can perfectly and reasonably mention a teacher canít you, apropos the subject youíre discussing?

NP: And you said the teacher pandiculated over you.

KW: Well he gave his name to the Alexandrian couplets, didnít he? Good gracious, I mean, itís ridiculous, isnít it. Good gracious, I mean, itís ridiculous. I mean I canít sit here and be insulted!

NP: I think you made out a very good case for yourself Kenneth...

KW: Thank you.

NP: ... and weíll give you the benefit of the doubt and six seconds left on Alexander the Great starting now.

KW: When he expired, there began the most frightful row over the dividing up of his territory. But most of it went to the relatives...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams, Kenneth Williams started with Alexander the Great, finished with Alexander the Great. And the challenges were incorrect throughout the round gained him a number of points, but heís still safely in third place! And Peter Jones, your turn to begin and the subject is the odd job man. Would you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well thatís really me in our neighbourhood because itís quite hopeless trying to get anyone else to come and do anything. Even if you want a tap changing, itís very dangerous unless youíve got an estimate. And they wonít really do it terribly well and they er ah sorry...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation among other things.

NP: Among other things, hesitationís enough. Clement Freud there are 30, there are 43 seconds on the odd job man starting now.

CF: There was a time when an odd job man was essential to oneís life, because there were so many small things to be done about the house. But in this specialist age in which we live, the creatureís become virtually extinct. What was once an odd job man is now a specialist window cleaner, an expert...

BUZZ

NP: Andree Melly has challenged.

AM: Ah hesitation.

NP: I agree Andree and you have 14 seconds on the odd job man starting now.

AM: We used to have a wonderful one, a Mister Beazley. He could fix it, pull it up, put it down, anything you wanted. But he took up furniture removing as a full-time occupation and weíve never found his like again. Some people...

WHISTLE

NP: Well the unsolicited plugs that some people get on our programme! Dear Mister Beazley, his business will go up after this show, wonít it! Andree youíve increased your lead at the end of that round, youíve got a very commanding lead. And weíd like you to begin the next round and the subject is baby-sitting. Would you talk on that one for Just A Minute starting now.

AM: Apart from the oldest profession in the world, this is one of the few jobs left to women which isnít taxable. Young people bring their boyfriends and the old ones have got their knitting. They get free food, transport laid on, very little to do as the children usually donít wake up. And it is altogether something that is quite a good job to take...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of job.

NP: Yes indeed, so Clement you now have 36 seconds on baby-sitting starting now.

CF: This is one of the very worst things you can do to a baby, because it squashes the child.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: If you find it essential to sit upon an infant, I suggest you do it with your legs wide apart, missing the head and perhaps perching on the chest... the knees...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes I think his devious thoughts were distressing him so much, he paused. Ah Kenneth I agree with your challenge and there are 16 seconds on baby-sitting starting now.

KW: Well I think the gift there is occupational hazardry because the idea of being too...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Occupational hazardry cannot be a gift, whatever it is.

NP: Whatever it is, yes. Iím not even sure that it is anything!

KW: Quite right, heís got a perfectly genuine there challenge.

NP: I know. I know itís a perfectly genuine challenge.

KW: Yes that is a genuine challenge.

NP: Yes and he has a point and he has nine seconds on baby-sitting starting now.

CF: One used to pay 12 shillings and sixpence an hour, which has now been amended to 60p for 45 minutes...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud, you have moved up on Andree Melly at the end of that round and the other two are still trailing. And Clement Freud would you begin the next round and the subject is cornography. Clement Freud will you talk on cornography for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Cornography could well be the art of sweet corn. Either the growing of it, or the consumption thereof. On the other hand, unlike pornography, cornography may be the science of writing corny literature or boring couplets, ribald jokes, stupid messages on lavatory walls. And Iím not really prepared to go into this any longer...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well Iíll have a go if heís not going to!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Even without a challenge, i think the audience decided you should have a go. All right so Kenneth you have the subject and there are 33 seconds on cornography starting now.

KW: Well taking the definition from the lips of my learned friend Clement Freud, because I had not, I must perforce admit heard this word before, and thought...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: ... when it was first mentioned that someone was having me on... what?

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation, Iíve just said it three times.

NP: So you must heard the word before because Clement Freud has just said it three times.

PJ: No...

NP: Now thatís one of those clever challenges, for what he meant was that he had not heard the word before the programme started...

CF: He should have said that!

NP: But he conveyed it, his look to me conveyed he was referring to the fact before the programme started he had not heard the word. I think the audience would agree with that, wouldnít you?

CRIES OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes!

CF: Theyíd agree with anything!

NP: Cornography is still with you Clement Freud, ah Kenneth Williams, cornography and there are 22 seconds left starting now.

KW: A good example would be the violet hush of evening is descending, as Violet Hush showed me along Sunset Boulevard...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Two hushes.

KW: Ah youíre allowed, itís a proper name! (laughs)

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Itís a proper name! (laughs)

NP: You see how he works the audience up like a demagogue! Thereís no such rule about proper names, but you all clap because you think... he just thought of that point! Oh good old Kenneth, isnít he clever! Heís clever to get you going! But I have to be fair and I mustnít be swayed by your, by your partisanship and your bias. Clement Freud you have a point for two hushes and you have 13 seconds on cornography starting now.

CF: Cornographically speaking, cornography is an art form about the same as would...

WHISTLE

NP: Well for those of you who havenít already anticipated the fact, those of you who watch their clocks at home will know that we have no more time to play Just A Minute so I have to give you the final score. Just to let you know of the ones who were less fortunate, Peter Jones finished in fourth place, a little way behind Kenneth Williams who finished in a good strong third place behind Clement Freud. But Clement Freud was two points behind this weekís winner, Andree Melly! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute and will want to tune in again next time, until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.