WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON, MARIELLA FROSTRUP and CAROLYN MARSHALL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 16 June 1995)
NOTE: Carolyn Marshall's only appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the show that challenges you in the verbals and squashes them in its fist. Oh what brilliant, oh thatís gone around the audience like a cheese of hot cakes. My guests this week, as usual on my left, the captain of the London team, the effervescent and ever-cheerful Tony Slattery!
TONY SLATTERY: Thank you and with me I have someone with a lot to say about just about anything you care to mention. Sheís presented programmes on books, music, travel and whatís on in London. Would you please make wet slapping sounds with the palm of your hands for Carolyn Marshall!
NP: On my right is the captain of the Midlands team. A man who has single-handedly turned shopping for frozen vegetables into an exciting television experience. Heís the host of the inspired Supermarket Sweep, the dazzling Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: Thank you! Thank you, thank you. And with me I have a multitalented television presenter, reviewer, columnist, and interviewer who was born in Norway, although sheís not pining for the Fjords half as much as theyíre probably pining for her. It is Mariella Frostrup!
NP: Oh well there we are, those are the four players of the game and theyíre going to try and play this delightfully simple game. That is itís simple until you try and play it. They will try and win points for themselves but most importantly they will try and gain points for their team because itís Midlands against London. Which team will triumph this week? Stay tuned, you will find out. As I ask them to speak on the subject that I give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject. Right! And Dale Winton, itís your turn to begin, the subject, groceries in Grantham. A Midland town, a subject close to your heart, I am sure. Start speaking if you can starting now.
DALE WINTON: Let me put you in the picture. Geographically Grantham lies towards Lincolnshire, between Sleeford and Skegness. Iíve been there many times because I represent the Midlands team. Itís beautiful. Another famous person, much more famous than I will ever be, is Margaret...
CAROLYN MARSHALL: Deviation.
NP: Famous person, much more famous than I will ever be.
CM: Deviation, and famous person...
DW: Deviation first.
MARIELLA FROSTRUP: There was no deviation.
NP: No, there was no deviation, Iím sorry. So you keep the subject with a point, and 49 seconds, groceries in Grantham starting now.
DW: Groceries through Gran er...
NP: Yes that time, yes, once you are interrupted, it is difficult to get going again. Forty-seven seconds, groceries in Grantham Tony, starting now.
TS: Iím going to come at this from a slightly different angle. Leslie Grantham, the actor, swallows lots of vegetables. If he has an x-ray within his tummy, you can see... oh God!
NP: Hesitation, yes. Mariella you got in on groceries in Grantham and 37 seconds left starting now.
MF: As we all know our previous Prime Minister was the daughter of a grocer from Grantham. And that is why groceries in Grantham have become such a choice thing. Because people love to go there and pick up their groceries from Maggiesí fatherís shop...
NP: Dale you challenged.
DW: I didnít mean to! I made a mistake! No...
NP: It doesnít matter, it doesnít matter. It helped your team because it was an incorrect challenge...
MF: We get a point anyway.
DW: Oh right! Oh fair enough!
NP: So Mariella gets a point and she keeps the subject, 24 seconds, groceries in Grantham starting now.
MF: The establishment he ran is apparently very well stocked...
TS: The establishment he rans?
MF: He ran!
TS: You said ďthe establishment he ransĒ.
MF: The establishment he ran is, will you stop being pathetic Tony!
TS: Look, look, is it just your accent then when you said (in camp languid voice) the establishment he ran?
NP: I think she was saying runs and it sounded a little like rans. Iím going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Iím always fair in this Tony. So 22 seconds are available, Mariella, another point, groceries in Grantham starting now.
MF: Well stocked with lots of different kinds of combustibles...
NP: No hesitation! Carolyn sorry. Mariella another point to you, 19 seconds, groceries in Grantham starting now.
MF: Including parsnips, carrots, peas, green beans, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, cabbage, er...
NP: Yeah after the cabbage she hesitated. Right, 12 seconds still available, groceries in Grantham Tony starting now.
TS: Cour-gette are... another...
DW: No, that was hesitation.
NP: That was hesitation, yes. He went too far on that occasion and got carried away, yes. Eight seconds are left, groceries in Grantham starting now.
DW: Whatís very interesting is that not many people know this is that Nicholas Parsons...
NP: Wait a minute, yes?
NP: He gets a point for being interrupted, Iím afraid. Dale another point to you, five seconds, groceries in Grantham starting now.
DW: A member of our chairpersonís family was doctor to aforesaid mentioned previous Prime Minister...
TS: Sorry I donít know... that was... that was er...
NP: That was absolutely correct.
TS: Yes it was, because...
NP: My father was doctor to the aforesaid mentioned Prime Minister...
MF: What? Donít tell him! Heís teasing you on!
NP: Iím saying heís correct! Heís correct! Oh youíre so defensive! Youíre so keen! Oh they so much want to win this game!
NP GRITS HIS TEETH, CLENCHES HIS FISTS AND THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND LIKE A CHILD THROWING A TANTRUM
NP: Oh they want to win! They want to win! Right! Tony it was an incorrect challenge, Dale you have another point, you have half a second on groceries in Grantham starting now.
DW: Groceries in Grantham...
NP: Dale Winton got a lot of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And Mariella Frostrup, it is your turn to begin, the subject is red Leicester. Would you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
MF: Well the term red Leicester first originated in the town of Leicester because there was a Communist cell living there just at the end of the Second World War. They werenít very well known but they were discovered by Tony Benn who went up there in a search for more Communists because he needed some more...
TS: Repetition of the word Communists.
NP: Weíve had too many Communists.
MF: Itís a fabulous word.
CM: Well worth repeating Mariella, I think.
NP: Forty-six seconds for you Tony on red Leicester starting now.
TS: Fromage in the French term, I was talking about... blue...
TS: Sorry! Sorry!
CM: What was that all about?
DW: Iíve never heard such a load of nonsense in all my life!
NP: I know! Dale I agree with your challenge, hesitation, 36 seconds, red Leicester starting now.
DW: Of course youíve all misunderstood. Red Leicester means having...
TS: Repetition, there was an of course before that.
DW: Did I say of course?
TS: Yes! Iím afraid... No, you havenít played in this round yet!
DW: No I havenít!
NP: It was Mariella who said of course, Mariella said of course Iím afraid. So that was a wrong challenge, you have another point Dale, you have 36 seconds, red Leicester starting now.
DW: Red Lester refers to Lester Piggott, whose book I have read. Great reading, it really is! Because what you do is you find out all about how to race in all the various courses, Epsom, the Derby, the National. What you find out is...
NP: Ah yes?
CM: What twice.
LAUGHTER FROM TS AND THE AUDIENCE
CM: Iím just playing the game!
TS: I know! I think youíre wonderful!
NP: Twenty-four seconds, red Leicester with you Carolyn...
CM: Oh hello!
NP: ...starting now.
CM: A topic so close to my heart you wouldnít believe it! However Iím not really prepared to talk about it. What I would like to talk about is Leicester the place...
TS: Repetition of talk.
NP: Yes thereís talks.
CM: Oh you see itís so difficult though!
NP: You could have made out that you were the red Leicester girl with your hair.
TS: Oh stop it Nicholas!
CM: Nicholas! Thatís a very lovely thing to say to a girl though!
MF: Oh donít be, donít be won over by it! Itís all stop! Another girl will walk in the door! Listen, Iíve, Iíve enjoyed it!
CM: Youíve enjoyed it?
MF: I was flavour of the month only a couple of weeks back!
NP: Do you think Iím a... Eighteen seconds for your partner, Tony Slattery, on red Leicester starting now.
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Well there was hesitation wasnít there.
NP: There was hesitation. Why do you want to give it to the opposition?
TS: Where am I?
CM: I donít know!
TS: Whatís going on?
CM: I donít...
NP: Dale, right, the Midlands are doing well, 17 seconds, red Leicester starting now.
DW: Red Leicester is a little village in Leicester itself. I often visit it representing this particular team. And you can have a drink in the local pub where they pour...
CM: Youíre a creep!
DW: With an extra point!
NP: I donít believe there is a place called red Leicester, do you?
MF: Oh donít, donít you dare!
DW: There is!
MF: Donít you even think about it Nicholas!
CM: Nicholas, Iím with you on this one, I am!
DW: Could we not split the difference and give nobody the points? Iíll accept that!
NP: No! Eight seconds, Carolyn, red Leicester starting now.
CM: Leicester is a very red place to live in because one of my best friends have been there before, and she told me...
NP: Dale yes?
DW: I never heard such nonsense! Deviation!
DW: Hesitation and deviation I should say really.
NP: All right, half a second on red Leicester with you Dale starting now.
DW: Red Leicester...
CM: Oh blow!
CM: Thereís the whistle!
NP: So Dale was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and heís equal in the lead with Carolyn Marshall at the end of that round. I think weíll do something slightly different now. Iím not going to give them a subject, Iím going to offer them an object. Yes from the bowels of this...
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: ... desk will arise an object. There it is, I think itís easily recognisable. All you have to do is to talk about the object without hesitation, repetition or deviation if you can, and Carolyn it is your turn to begin. So will you start, 60 seconds if you can, now.
CM: I think youíll find that object in front of us is some type of cannonball scenario thing with, with, with, with, with...
CM: Did I repeat anything? Did I repeat anything?
NP: Yes Mariella?
MF: Repetition, hesitation...
NP: Well thereís the object, there are 52 seconds for you Mariella starting now.
MF: Well itís quite obviously a miniature cannon, which was employed during the American Civil War by the Confederate Army, hence the colouring, the blue and red, which is easily easily recognisable...
CM: One for gibbering! And two for being too damn clever for your own good, Mariella!
NP: So whatís your challenge?
MF: It seems rather unfair!
NP: Carolyn whatís your challenge?
CM: Ah hesitation.
NP: No! She didnít hesitate, she kept going.
CM: Oh come on Mariella, do admit it, please!
NP: No she didnít hesitate.
MF: Are you joking?
NP: She didnít hesitate. Right Mariella, an incorrect challenge, and you keep the object there, 42 seconds, tell us more about it starting now.
MF: These were particularly difficult days for the southern army as they had to lug this sort of heavy equipment around with them. And many of them were young men incapable of carrying such great weights. Hence the reason in fact that they lost said dispute, did the Yankees, and then carried on to lose all their slaves...
NP: Yes, you challenged Carolyn?
CM: I did indeed.
NP: Yes, deviation Ďcoz itís not...
NP: No sheís got it wrong, hasnít she.
CM: Itís nothing like that!
NP: Itís got nothing to do with the Confederate Army or the southern army or...
CM: Definitely! Look at it!
MF: Youíve already described it as a cannonball thing!
NP: Thatís a cannon, yes!
CM: I think that sounds far more accurate!
NP: Thatís a cannon, yes...
MF: I said itís a cannon.
NP: You identified it, you identified it also with the American Civil War which is incorrect.
MF: Since when, since when did I...
NP: So Carolyn has a correct challenge, you have 25 seconds starting now.
CM: Given the size of this object, I think itís highly likely it would sit on somebodyís desk and be...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Well hesitation Iím afraid.
NP: Hesitation yes. Thereís the object Dale, tell us something about it, 18 seconds starting now.
DW: I think itís a little too big to sit on someoneís desk. As I look at it, itís definitely a cannon. Itís got brass, wood and two spoked wheels. Very elegant! I think that it is from the early Ages and probably from London, this is not a Midlands item...
TS: Repetition of probably. Probably from the Middle Ages and...
CM: Do you know Arthur Negus?
NP: Yes you did two probablys...
DW: Did I do probably? I sit like him, Iím afraid.
TS: Two probablys.
NP: Six seconds are available for you Tony to tell us something about the object starting now.
TS: Come with me now to the crenelated battle of the type...
MF: What is he on about?
NP: Crenelated, yes.
TS: Well look, itís an English word, youíre from Norway!
MF: No, actually British.
TS: Crenelated is a perfectly usable synonym for castellated which means castle...
MF: Whatís he talking about?
NP: I think you can refer to battlements as crenelated, even if you donít find it a very accurate word.
MF: They were set in stone in the battlements!
NP: Three seconds for Tony Slattery on the object starting now.
TS: Just waiting for the turret to turn round to Mariella and fire!
NP: No, no you did get in just before Mariella.
NP: And you have half a second on the object starting now.
MF: I do like...
NP: So justice was done and seen to be done. Iím always fair to all of them. The benefit of the doubt went to Mariella there, she just got in before the whistle and an extra point for doing so. I will give a bonus point to anyone who can actually identify what that is. Iíll let you know it is actually a mascot. Of what is it the mascot? Yes?
TS: The Royal Artillery?
NP: No. Anyone else want to have a go? Oh Mariellaís looking! No!
MF: Arsenal Football Club!
NP: She looked over my shoulder! Yes!
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
NP: It is time for us to break open a box of Moist Wipes, get the egg of our faces, weíll take a break, and youíll see us after this... (laughs) Oh youíre rotten!
NP: Thank you. Welcome back, welcome back. Well letís see if our panellists can come any closer to masterminding the English language in our next round. Tony Slattery, the green belt, or green belt. Letís just say green belt, thatís the subject. Sixty seconds as usual starting now.
TS: Well I used to do a lot of sport. In London I did...
NP: No I donít think so! No!
MF: Oh he did so! Do I have to mime it for you every time?
NP: Fifty-seven seconds for you Tony, the green belt starting now.
TS: The aforesaid athletic activity in which i indulged, I got a black belt in. But...
NP: Yes I think so.
NP: Or saying the same thing. Carolyn, 50 seconds, green belt starting now.
CM: Green belts...
NP: Yes I agree with you Mariella. You have the subject, green belt, 49 seconds starting now.
MF: A green belt is my favourite colour for a belt, though of course I do also wear...
CM: Sorry, I meant the belts, and sorry, I know...
NP: Itís on the card.
CM: Itís on the card so sorry...
NP: Itís all right, youíve only played it once before, donít worry.
CM: Thank you Nicholas.
NP: But you have a point for being interrupted Mariella, you have a point for being interrupted Mariella...
MF: Thank you.
NP: And you have 46 seconds, green belt starting now.
MF: I.. also like red belts...
DW: Sorry I had to, because they were going to buzz you for hesitation.
NP: Yes and you were right, you got in this time...
MF: I canít handle all this buzzing!
NP: I know! Itís a bit too much for you but it doesnít matter...
DW: I had to do it, Iím afraid.
NP: Dale you got in first...
MF: Off you go!
NP: ...with 45 seconds, green belt starting now.
DW: Mariella doesnít wear a green belt very often because, she told me earlier, the problem is you can never find a matching bag and gloves. To wear a frock that suits a green belt...
TS: Repetition of wear.
NP: She was wearing...
MF: Wearing, wear.
TS: No, no, you said Mariella doesnít wear a green belt often, you can never find... is anyone interested? You can never find...
MF: How do you know...
TS: No, no...
NP: Weíre not going to have an argument! Tony you are correct, you have the subject, green belt, 37 seconds starting now.
TS: You canít... build...
NP: I agree. Thirty-six seconds, green belt with you Mariella starting now.
MF: Green shoes tend to clash with a green belt which is a particular problem for me, because I do like my waist and my feet to match when I have an outfit on...
CM: My twice.
CM: My waist, my feet.
NP: Yes, itís a bit of a tough challenge but it is correct so I have to give it to you Carolyn.
MF: Well if you clutch at straws!
NP: Thirteen seconds, green belt starting now.
CM: Every supermarket has... a green belt...
NP: Yes Mariella, 10 seconds, green belt starting now.
MF: Skirts are nice... particularly when you have...
NP: All right...
NP: Green beltís with you, eight seconds Carolyn starting now.
MF: Over acting!
CM: The conveyor belt in a supermarket...
DW: Weíve had two supermarkets.
NP: We had a supermarket...
TS: You canít get enough of them, can you?
DW: No I canít!
NP: So Dale you cleverly got in, six seconds, green belt starting now.
DW: My partner mentioned popularity in green belts. In Wolverhampton theyíre quite híote cotour, in fact you canít go anywhere without seeing large ladies...
NP: Dale Winton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And Mariella Frostrup it is your turn to begin, the subject is the merry men. Sixty seconds starting now.
MF: The merry men were of course the team of chaps that accompanied Robin Hood in the fa-forest of Sherwood...
NP: Oh yes! Tony, the merry men is the subject, 55 seconds are available starting now.
TS: Come with me now to the leafy glades of Sherwood Forest! Look! Little John! Behold Friar Tuck! What are they doing? Being merry! What else is there to do in Nottingham? Any old way...
NP: Um Dale?
DW: Nottingham twice, Iím afraid.
NP: Yes Nottingham twice. Dale, well listened, you have the merry men and you have 44 seconds starting now.
DW: Nottingham Forest is actually near the said woodland called Sherwood which is why itís called that. Which is why you canít have merry men...
CM: Three whys.
NP: Whys, why.
DW: Oh youíre right, youíre not wrong.
CM: Youíre very wise but there were three whys.
NP: Thirty-eight seconds Carolyn, on the merry men starting now.
CM: The merry men often hung out with the merry wives of Windsor because thatís in, thatís...
NP: There was a hesitation, sorry Carolyn, yes. Mariella you have 31 seconds to continue or take back the merry men starting now.
MF: The question thatís never been answered is why they were so very merry. And the truth is it was because of a plant that can be found in those woods. Itís not been revealed before but this plant has fantastic...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: I think he was about to buzz so I had to get in first...
MF: I know, Iím glad, you did, thank you.
DW: There were two plants.
NP: There were two plants yes. You got in first Dale, another point, the merry men, starting, 19 seconds, now.
DW: When you look at this woodland leafy area, youíre tempted to think, well, theyíre merry men and I know why theyíre merry men, because theyíre gardeners...
DW: Have I gone wrong again?
NP: No, no, you didnít, no...
DW: Nice to get a bit of a flow going here, if you donít mind!
NP: He was too keen so youíve got another point for an incorrect challenge...
NP: ... and 10 seconds on the merry men starting now.
DW: Wherever you go outside London, these merry men in our particular vicinity, region, call it what you will, youíll find merry men wearing pink, prue, blue...
TS: Thereís no such colour as pruuuuuuuue.
DW: I was looking at your jacket when I said it!
NP: Tony you cleverly got in with only one second to go...
DW: Oh no!
NP: ...on the merry men starting now.
TS: Look out!
CM: Oh yes!
MF: He keeps stopping just before the bell...
NP: Yes he did get in before the bell, he gained an extra point for doing so. Heís taken the lead at the end of that round. Thereís time for one more round, talking to myself, what a good subject. Carolyn can you talk on talking to myself for 60 seconds starting now.
CM: Talking to myself, given the time on this show happens to be one of my most favourite subjects and Iíll tell you for why. I find I can really get going when I start thinking about.. Just A Minute...
NP: Yes Mariella, you have 48 seconds to tell us something about talking to myself starting now.
MF: Talking to myself is something that I enjoy very much, because most of the time nobody else will listen to me. And who can blame them when such a lot of absolute nonsense comes pouring out of my mouth in a stream? It seems never ending. Well, so Iíve resorted to talking to myself. And I seem to do it rather well...
CM: Two seems.
NP: Two seems, well listened Carolyn. Thirty-two seconds, talking to myself starting now.
CM: I certainly agree with Mariella!
MF: Thatís nice to know!
NP: Your, your light came on first Dale, 29 seconds, talking to myself starting now.
DW: Talking to myself is a worrying thing to do because Iíve started getting answers back! I look at the ceiling and I look at the sky and I wonder...
TS: Repetition of look.
DW: Oh I look too often donít I?
NP: Too often, yes. Twenty-two seconds, talking to myself Tony starting now.
TS: In terms of cerebral deconstruction they thought that Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, somewhere in northern Europe...
DW: Well that was deviation.
DW: I mean, what was he talking about?
MF: He was talking to myself, whatís that got to do...
DW: Oh he was talking to himself!
CM: He was! Oh!
DW: But he wasnít, we could all hear!
MF: He was talking to himself!
NP: Now listen, donít get too keen again! The thing is I think Tony was establishing the fact that of all the characters in Shakespeareís plays, Hamlet did talk to himself quite a lot.
DW: Right, fair comment.
NP: I agree with you Tony, 17 seconds, talking to myself...
MF: I donít think thatís what he was saying!
NP: ...starting now.
TS: The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat is a collection of psychoanalytical essays on the subject of schizophrenia which is often referred to, as not a shattered person...
MF: Schizophreniaís got nothing to do with talking to yourself.
NP: Well we donít know, a schizophrenic might talk to himself.
MF: I know what The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hatís about, itís about schizophrenics, and itís got absolutely nothing to do with talking to myself.
NP: All right, Iíll give you the benefit of the doubt, he was deviating a lot from talking to myself, he got way off the subject...
CM: I think they do! I think they do however!
NP: So Mariella, you have a correct challenge, you have the subject, six seconds starting now.
MF: Talking to myself is something I was taught by my family...
TS: Repetition of something, you said that the first time.
MF: Oh Tony!
NP: Tony, four seconds, talking to myself starting now.
TS: If I can just get to the end of my psychological treatise...
DW: We had psychological earlier.
TS: Oh all right!
DW: Or were you just talking to yourself at the time?
NP: And Dale you, Dale you cleverly got in with one second to go on talking to myself starting now.
DW: Talking to myself...
NP: So this intense and exciting show has at last come to an end. Let me give you the final score. Dale Winton...
TS: Dill? Dill Winton?
NP: Dale Winton was speaking then when the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. And at that particular moment he took the lead, so he has most points, congratulations to Dale Winton! But the Midlands team really outshone themselves this week because they are eight points ahead of the London team, so Mariella Frostrup, Dale Winton, you are the winners this week! Thereís no more time to play Just A Minute alas, so we put away the scoreboard, weíre going to put away our buzzer and we are going to retire for a refreshing drink. We hope that you might retire but we hope youíll tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play Just A Minute. Till then good-bye!