WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring GRAHAM NORTON, TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON and SU POLLARD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 June 1995)
NOTE: Su Pollard's first appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the show that lets comedians, politicians and actors burble on until sometimes they start making sense. My guests this week, as usual and usually making sense, on my left, the captain of the London team, comedy improviser and millionaire playboy Tony Slattery!
TONY SLATTERY: And with me a man who has written and performed some tremendously successful one man shows and stars in countless radio programmes. Heís not only kissed the blarney stone, but he appears to be having a torrid relationship with it, he is the delightful Graham Norton! Welcome to you Graham!
GRAHAM NORTON: Thank you very much.
NP: And on my right, the other regular player of the game, the captain of the Midlands team, a man who started out as a DJ in a biscuit factory, he really did. And now heís the jammiest dodger on television, the hazardly sexy Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: Nicholas, I didnít know you cared. I didnít know you cared. Thank you.
NP: Ever since we started the series.
DW: Well we wonít go into that. And with me I have a woman who turned holiday camp into a whole new brand of humour when she starred in the legendary sitcom series Hi De Hi. I mean of course the energetic Su Pollard!
NP: Well those are our four exuberant players of the game this week. And as usual Iím going to ask them on the subject that I give them and they are going to try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. The other three can challenge any time they wish. If I uphold the challenge, well of course, they gain a point. And if not whoever is speaking gains the points. Thatís how we play the game and it is the Midlands against London. And we begin this week with Tony Slattery. Tony the subject is my first audition. Will you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
TONY SLATTERY: Well this is a true story. After I left university I went into television and films. And my first audition was for a remake of The Dirty Dozen in which I had to try and play the part of a very rough Marine. I attempted an American accent. After it the director said ďwhy are you trying to sound like Katharine Hepburn? Can you not be a little more masculine?Ē I said ďnoĒ. He then replied ďwell weíre looking for a part of a Vietnamese woman who has something wrong...Ē
SU POLLARD: Excuse me, are we going to get to the actual audition? Weíre waffling about who youíve met.
TS: No, that was, that was in the audition.
NP: That was all in the audition.
TS: All this was happening in the audition.
NP: All that was happening in his audition.
SP: So thatís allowable then?
NP: Oh yes, provided...
SP: Carry on then!
GN: I was just interested that they were looking for a part of a Vietnamese woman.
GN: I just wondered which bit?
TS: I was going to play the pancreas!
GN: Oh fair enough!
NP: Su I must explain as you havenít played the game before, as long....
SP: Yeah, donít make me sound thick Nicholas! Do it gently, please please!
NP: I will, Iím always very gentle. Iím always very gentle Su. You should know from the past. Now listen um....
SP MAKES A FACE AT THE AUDIENCE
SP: Sorry duck, carry on!
NP: I know... When you try and kiss someone like that, it is agony! Now listen Su, as long as he doesnít deviate from the subject on the card and that is still, I think, his first audition...
NP: So Tony an incorrect challenge, you have a point for that, you keep the subject, 32 seconds, starting now.
TS: I carried on with the audition by singing ďthereís no business like show number twosĒ. And then I thought to myself, well heís not very impressed. But then I played my ace card, yes, the trick with the ping pong balls. Put them in the ear and they shoot out of their mouth. I ended up in Billy Smartís circus as a speciality...
DW: Oh itís utter nonsense! Iíve never heard such rubbish in all my life!
NP: Yes I donít believe that heís ever been in Billy Smartís circus.
DW: It was the masculine bit that got me earlier on! Iím sorry! Iím sorry!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: There is no quarter given in Just A Minute, they are outrageous beyond words. Dale you have a correct challenge...
DW: Thank you.
NP: And you get a point for that of course, 15 seconds are available for you to take my first audition starting now.
DW: This is the first time that Iíve ever told anybody about my first audition. True! I was asked to go along at an audition for a taste bud in a coffee commercial. Attired in a pink leotard I was invited to jump up and down and express how gleefully pleased I was to be tasting this particular brand of beverage. When the...
SP: Yeah! Yeah!
DW: Thatís absolutely true!
NP: Whoever is speaking when I activate that whistle gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Dale Winton and he is in the lead at the end of that round. Dale will you take the next round, the subject is chatting at Chatsworth. Thatís a nice subject associated with the Midlands. But can you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.
DW: Iíve been to Chatsworth House many many...
DW: Oh Iíve done it already!
NP: Youíve done it already, many many...
GN: That was a nice gift!
NP: Yes yes, I know, but itís so easy to do Graham, as you may find out yourself.
GN: I think I will!
NP: Yes, 58 seconds, youíve got in very rapidly, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
GN: (stretching out words) Chatting at Chatsworth for me, I think would be quite limiting. Because the only thing I could think of saying would be how do I get back to London, will it take very long, and can anybody give me a lift?
DW: What is this, Swahili? What is this? It was very long and it...
TS: Thatís his delivery.
NP: Thatís his delivery.
TS: We donít complain when you lisp! Itís just natural!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: He doesnít lisp! My feller!
DW: It was hesitation! Iím appealing to the chair, itís up to you...
GN: Are you though?
SP: Yes and I thought you were replacing Loyd Grossman, in case he gets ill and canít make Through The Keyhole!
NP: No I do think actually at the pace, I do think Graham at the pace you deliver youíll have difficulty taking breath in between...
NP: Because that becomes a hesitation.
GN: No, no, fine!
NP: No I agree with the hesitation, he did...
GN: Make rules up, thatís fine!
TS: Leave it! Heís not worth it!
DW: Actually I am!
GN: Itís just a silly game!
SP: Well at my time of life, anythingís worth it!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: So Dale...
DW: Yes Nicholas?
NP: You had a correct challenge, hesitation, 43 seconds are available, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
DW: So there I was chatting at Chatsworth, sitting on the terrace, taking a cup of tea and a scone when these American tourists approached me. They said ďoh itís such a regal place. Do you see many aristocracy here?Ē To which I replied ďyouíd be amazed. Iíve just been stopped by a minor Royal who asked to borrow ten pence to go to the lavatory to go and readjust her makeup..Ē
TS: Repetition of to go.
NP: To go.
TS: Iím sorry Dale.
NP: To go too often yes. So Tony you got in first, a point to you, and you take over the subject, 27 seconds, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
TS: I made a terrible social faux pas once. There was a Royal garden party at Chatsworth and there was a visitorís book and in that...
NP: Yes? Yes Su?
SP: I think Iíve, I think Iíve over-stretched! You see I thought... Iím really sorry because I thought you said twice ďand I was thinkingĒ. But I donít think youíve said that at all!
NP: But at least youíre thinking, I mean thatís a great asset in Just A Minute. But...
SP: I shanít be asked back! I can see it now! I can see it now!
NP: I think you will, the audience love you very very much...
SP: Iím getting the hang of it though, arenít I!
SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Yes! Iím so sorry!
NP: Thatís all right, can we just keep quiet a moment Su!
NP: We all love you! Stop it! Right, 22 seconds, you have a correct, an incorrect challenge so you keep the subject, chatting at Chatsworth Tony starting now.
TS: At Chatsworth there is a hormone replacement therapy unit. I went to the site to have some liposuction done but the machine was on blow instead of suck! So I am now 42 stone! I met Su Pollard there, she looks very young for her age. I wonít hear a word against you, except perhaps the word ďmadĒ!
SP: Thatís not fair! You were putting the opposition off by making them laugh! And we canít find our buzzers!
TS: He did then!
DW: I did!
SP: Get off, Iím not playing with you again!
TS: But Dale had a challenge.
NP: Dale you challenged.
DW: I did actually buzz then Su, we got the point.
NP: You got the point, well, we donít know until I tell you what the challenge is, what is it?
DW: Oh hesitation.
NP: Yes it was hesitation yes!
SP: Well done, May-bean!
SP CLAPS DW
DW: Stop it! Stop it!
DW: (in higher pitch than usual) You said you werenít going to say that! (realises he sounds even camper than usual, so changes to a very deep voice) You said you werenít going to say that!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Perhaps at nights you do that other little voice (squeaks in a high pitched vaguely Mickey Mouse type voice) I thought you werenít going to say that!
SP: Iím so sorry!
NP: Thatís all right, no, Dale has got a point for a correct challenge which means also the Midlands team has got a point. So he has four seconds to continue...
DW: How many?
NP: Four seconds, thatís all.
NP: Take over the subject, chatting at Chatsworth starting now.
DW: Chatting at Chatsworth on the lawns of the flowers and the beautiful water displays...
SP: Very good! Youíre so clever!
DW: No Iím not!
NP: Dale Winton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and he is now still in the lead. And also the Midland team are now of course leading the London team. And now we do something slightly different. Instead of me offering them a subject, I offer them an object. The black segments there are going slowly and theyíve gone. And out from this piece of furniture...
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: ... will rise an unusual looking object. Two objects you might say. There it is, Su Pollard itís your turn to begin. What you have to do is to identify them if you can but what you most importantly have to do is to talk without hesitation, repetition or deviation on that object starting now.
SP: What I see before me appears to be something that was worn probably by Jesus in the year 85 thousand AD. They look as old as that as well...
NP: Jesus, AD?
GN: Thatíll be deviation from truth.
SP: Yeah but, yeah but you canít have BC.
NP: Thatís Before Christ.
SP: Yeah well he came after didnít he, with his sandals!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
SP: Of course he did, didnít he Dale? Iím sorry, Iím challenging the challenge, Iím sorry!
SP: Iím carrying on now with it.
NP: I think actually Grahamís challenge was correct. So Graham thereís the object, you have 47 seconds starting now.
GN: These are shoes worn by female bakers to cut out the shape for drop scones. They tread all over the pastry, willy nilly, who cares? And then you pick them up, give it a bit of a dusting off with flour, chuck it in the pan or on the griddle...
SP: Iím challenging flour, I think he said it twice.
NP: No he didnít say flour.
GN: Youíre so wong! So wrong!
NP: But thereís deviation, because theyíre not, what he said was deviant, it was not correct.
SP: It was deevint did you say?
SP: I donít think Nicholas is correct, it was deevint! Deevint!
NP: I was deviating from the English language! But that was a correct challenge because he has actually deviated from what those really are, he was inaccurate. So you have the subject back and you have 30 seconds, talk on the object starting now.
SP: (long pause) The item...
DW: Oh Iím sorry, Iím sorry. I thought they were going to buzz for a hesitation there.
NP: But you buzzed first. They werenít so keen.
DW: Oh were you? Oh well in that case hesitation.
NP: Hesitation Iím afraid.
SP: No, no, Iím sorry, Iíve got to disagree.
SP: Because I was hoping to say such a lot in one breath that I had to get myself together for the next thing I was going to do. Youíre not allowed to challenge that! Sorry!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Su Iím sorry, as much as I love you, the rules of the game are that you have to get going as soon as...
SP: Iím making my own rules up! I think my rules are better!
NP: I know, I know. Dale she did hesitate most definitely so you have a point for yourself, a point for the team of course, 29 seconds, thereís the object starting now.
DW: I have a pair of these, a more modern version, at home which I wear in my quiet moments when nobodyís looking. But I can tell you where they come from originally. Theyíre Friar Tuckís flip-flops. And beautiful are they too! And indeed theyíve lasted for many an eon! If you look underneath them you can see theyíre balanced precariously on a metal stand. Donít think that was from the original year. But look at the sandal itself. The toe is not an open toe so...
TS: Repetition of toe.
DW: Repetition of toe.
NP: Repetition of toe. Yes.
SP: No thatís not quite right because that is um, what is it when itís a two words, um....
TS: Two words!
SP: I was just about to say hibernating! (laughs)
SP: These hibernated words...
NP: Youíre trying very hard Su, but I think youíre up the wrong alley there, I wouldnít go...
SP: Fair enough!
NP: Tony you have a correct challenge, six seconds, thereís the object starting now.
TS: These are a pair of Vivien Westwood earrings. The problem is you canít wear them because they interfere with air traffic control at Heathrow...
NP: So Tony Slattery was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. Now none of you have correctly identified the objects although youíve talked very amusingly about them. Can you give me a correct identification, Iíll give you a bonus point. Have a guess if you donít know, yes?
TS: Is it something to do with gardening?
NP: No, nothing to do with gardening. Yes?
DW: Are these the shows worn when you go, when the Tower of London, the prisoners...
NP: No, they are 19th century... what were you going to go for?
GN: Oh I was going to say something to do with coal mining, walking over shales or something.
NP: No youíre way off.
TS: Coal mining?
NP: Much more domestic, much more domestic than that.
SP: I believe this is to do with grape treading...
SP: ...or something like that...
NP: Grapes are never that size, I can assure you! No, they are scrubberís clogs!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
GN: And we didnít recognise them!
SP: Iíve never worn those in my life! How dare you!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: In the 19th century, women who had to clean floors in big offices and so forth, had these things on their feet so after theyíd cleaned the floor they could walk back and not make marks on the wonderful surface theyíd left behind.
TS: What do you mean? Not make marks? Theyíd be covered in big round things!
GN: Theyíd think a horse had come in and done it! So the cleaner wouldnít get in trouble!
NP: They wouldnít be footmarks. I was told thatís what theyíre for, theyíve come from the Oxford County Museum. And so they do exist and theyíre disappearing now...
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
SP: Bye! Back to your scrubbing! Good luck!
NP: Anyway weíve reached the halfway mark in our contest, let me give you the scores. It is equal, 15 points to both teams, and I think I should go off now and sit in a darkened room for a few minutes. So stay tuned and youíll see us after this!
NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. Letís rev up the engine and ram our way into the next round which will be taken by Graham Norton. My greatest fear, can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
GN: My greatest fear is that my entire family will be killed in a bus accident leaving me to look after my sisterís children. Funnily enough this is also their greatest fear!
DW: Oh oh oh oh!
GN: Yes yes yes!
DW: Oh oh oh Iím so sorry!
NP: No, listen, an incorrect challenge because he thought youíd repeated something and you hadnít. Forty-eight seconds for you Graham to continue, my greatest fear starting now.
GN: My greatest fear is that the girl who was born just before me, out of my mother, will die and her little offspring people...
NP: Yes you challenged Su?
SP: Yes I think...
NP: Repetition wasnít it.
SP: Yes I would say so. Just a certain hesitation.
NP: No, repetition of die!
TS: No, he said be killed in the first one! Not die.
DW: No, he said theyíd be killed or die.
NP: Thatís right.
SP: Be killed and die, sounds like you and I.
NP: So it was a repetition of die, wasnít it?
SP: Yes it was.
NP: Yes, well done Su, well listened!
SP: Yes thank you!
NP: So Su... Su...
SP: Oh Iím having such a good time! Yes?
NP: Yes, right, my greatest fear is the subject. You have 40 seconds starting now.
SP: My greatest fear is finding a member of the opposite sex coming out of my wardrobe fully clothed. I would absolutely love this person, hopefully on the male side, to be absolutely...
DW: Absolutely twice.
NP: You said absolutely twice.
SP: Oh did I?
DW: Itís all right, we still get the point.
NP: You get the point for the team Su, so donít worry.
SP: Well, well done! Hey this is quite good, this! Itís better than Give Us A Clue!
NP: Twenty seconds Dale, you take back the subject, you take over the subject, my greatest fear starting now.
DW: I know exactly what my greatest fear is. It would be to visit Norwich and appear as a contestant on the Sale Of The Century! That wonderful programme we all love from years ago. And be one of the people that answers questions, get too many right, and win a caravan which I have never ever wanted. What is it when...
NP: You thought he said never never when he said never ever.
SP: No, no, no.
GN: I feel awful about the whole thing, Iím very sorry.
NP: No donít feel awful. If we donít try, we donít get anywhere!
SP: Yeah but flipping heck, youíve destroyed it...
GN: Iíll write that down Nicholas! Thatís very good! It was deep!
SP: Iím challenging you because youíre just diversifying off the thing! Heís trying to get his head together to keep going and youíre just talking waffle!
NP: But donít you realise Su...
TS: Can we please get on?
NP: Su donít you realise if heís challenged and itís incorrect, he gets another point.
TS: This is like the United Nations Fishery Commission!
NP: I know so there we are...
SP: I feel like Iím being had up by the Court of Human Rights for battering Nicholas Parsons to death or something terrible!
TS: Hereís hoping!
NP: Dale Winton you have another incorrect challenge...
DW: Whatís the subject? Iíve forgotten!
NP: Itís my greatest fear.
DW: How many, how long...
NP: Youíve only got five seconds left.
NP: And you start now.
DW: My greatest fear on said evening entertainment on-screen show would be to win a shower curtain...
NP: So Dale Winton was then speaking when the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so and the Midland team are now back equal with the London team. And Tony Slattery itís your turn to begin, the subject toffee nosed. Can you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
TS: Snobbism as the French call it of the English is one of the greatest and most despicable class traits in our betrayal-ridden system. Working class people are often seen... and...
SP: Was it... was it...
NP: Hesitation, Dale got in first Iím afraid there.
SP: Oh fabulous!
NP: Oh I think...
DW: Iíve lost the will to live! Iíve got to stop this, Iím getting camper by the minute!
NP: Yes, right...
SP: It doesnít matter though, youíre still working!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: And working well as well, Dale, right! Toffee nosed is the subject, 45 seconds starting now.
DW: Toffee nosed is an extraordinary expression and you get it when you visit the fun fair and eat a toffee apple. Shove it in your gob too quick, and out it comes and it goes all over your nose, hence the expression...
NP: Right, yes?
DW: What was wrong with that?
SP: Well you said toffee nosed and you said nose again.
SP: So in an earlier round, Mister Parsons pointed this out to m, that you canít have a er, er, what is it? That word anyway.
DW: Sheís right!
SP: So he said it so can I have a point there for this team?
NP: Yeah after what you, I donít know what youíre talking about but you can have the point yeah!
DW: Weíre on a roll here! Go for it!
NP: Thirty-five seconds for you Su on toffee nosed starting now.
SP: Yes toffee-nosedness can be attributed to people whoíve had a marvellous education or think they have like theyíve been to Rodene or finishing school in Sweden, whereupon they take the Alps, the Alple air...
SP: The Alple air!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM TS AND THE AUDIENCE
SP: (bursts into tears) I said Alple didnít I!
DW: Alple air!
SP: Oh I canít, I canít have a point for spotting that I done it wrong?
NP: No Iím afraid you canít because Tony spotted it first. And Tony you have a correct challenge...
SP: Coronation Street is easier than this!
NP: I know!
SP: Flipping heck!
NP: Twenty-one seconds starting now.
TS: I once had supper with Mao Tse-Tung. He used the wrong fish knife. He then said to me ďnaughtyĒ. I said ďyou toffee-nosed old Red Square twit!Ē
NP: Ah yes what is it?
GN: It was deviation.
NP: Of course I donít believe heís ever had a meal with Mao Tse-Tung.
GN: Yes, mmm-hmmm.
NP: Graham, 13 seconds, toffee nosed starting now.
GN: Some people look toffee-nosed but theyíre not. Theyíve simply been overdoing the sun bed. Ah and they...
DW: Oh Iím sorry, there was a ahhhhh!
GN: It was the beginning of a word!
DW: Was that a toffee-nosed way of saying it!
NP: I think actually Graham was actually reacting to what heíd said. So I consider it was part of his speech on that occasion. So Graham Iím giving you the benefit of the doubt...
GN: Bless you for that!
NP: No, no, donít, donít get carried away with it, I mean itís just a point...
GN: I know, but you are genuinely nice!
NP: Yes, all right, six seconds...
GN: No, really!
NP: Iím getting worried now! Six seconds...
GN: So kind!
NP: Toffee-nosed starting now.
GN: Toffee-nosed is something that a small confectionery object might be if it were made out of toffee...
NP: Well Graham Norton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so and heís um, heís moved into third place actually. Dale Winton actually got most points and then he was followed by Tony Slattery. But the team that had most points, two more than the Midland team, the London team, Tony Slattery and Graham Norton, you are the winners this week! There we are! We do hope that you have enjoyed this extravagant and outrageous edition of Just A Minute. And on behalf of my wonderful guests, Tony Slattery, Graham Norton, Su Pollard, Dale Winton and myself Nicholas Parsons, thank you for tuning in. Tune in again when we play the game and we take to the air and play Just A Minute. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!