JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 January 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Well once again Iím going to ask our four clever panellists if they can talk for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And of course according to how well they do it, they will gain points or their opponents will. And let us begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter can you talk on the subject of idleness for 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Well to be idle is an ambition that most of us have thought of from time to time. I dare say itís more satisfying in the anticipation than it is in the realisation. I...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Has he gone long enough for me to challenge on time to time?

NP: Yes he has.

CF: Good.

NP: So you take a point and the subject of course is now with you. And there are 46 seconds left on idleness starting now.

CF: Idleness and Edelweiss are two words that I always get mixed up, which is terribly embarrassing if you go to Switzerland and climb mountains like Mount Blanc looking for idleness, because you just canít find it. You move rocks, you shift glaciers, you tip snow, all to absolutely no...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís never shifted a glacier in his life!

NP: No!

PJ: I donít believe it!

NP: I donít believe a person can shift a glacier, because glaciers are far too large for that. Donít look as if you disbelieve me Clement, I donít believe you.

CF: Glacier mints?

NP: Ah! I thought Mount Blanc was in France too, isnít it?

CF: I donít know!

NP: Nobody challenged you on it anyway but I agree with Peterís challenge so he takes the subject now, having gained a point for a correct challenge, of idleness with you Peter, 60 seconds... oh Iím sorry! Twenty-five seconds starting now.

PJ: I visualise myself lying in a hammock strung between two Mimosa trees (laughs)

BUZZ

PJ: ... in the south of France...

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged you, why?

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well apart from the fact that he fell about laughing in the middle of it, it was hesitation of course. His speech became hesitant as he started laughing so I would challenge on that. Yes I would challenge on that.

SHEILA HANCOCK: It was after you rang the bell that he laughed!

KW: Rang the bell? I havenít got one here! What are you talking about, rang the bell?

NP: Why did you laugh, talking about the two trees?

KW: Iím not the sort of person who goes about ringing bells!

PJ: Well I did...

KW: Youíll have me sitting on the Wool sack next!

PJ: Well to tell you the truth, I thought that some idiot would say that memosa didnít grow on trees or something and er...

NP: Oh I see.

PJ: Itís the after...

KW: Itís no good just limping on like that dear, face the fact that you...

NP: Now what is your challenge?

KW: Hesitation, I just said it.

NP: No, no, he may have giggled but he didnít hesitate. There are 13 seconds for you to continue Peter with idleness starting now.

PJ: This is situated just outside Nice, not exactly on the beach but it is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, the subjectís idleness, not this place situated near Nice!

NP: All right Kenneth, I agree with that, thatís good enough. You have four seconds left on idleness starting now.

KW: As a great Roman writer once said the idol...

WHISTLE

NP: The audience were clapping because...

KW: I won, didnít I? I won!

NP: You havenít won yet, youíve just come out top at the end of that round.

KW: Oh! Iíve won! Oh!

NP: Weíve a long time to go yet, you know. Weíre only two or three minutes into the show, we canít make you the winner already!

KW: But I want to win one week. Iím always crawling out of here with my tail between my legs! People sneering ďoh he never wins! Look at him! Great fool! He carries on and never gets any marks!Ē

NP: I donít think they do, I think most of them come here just to see you.

KW: Look at him...

NP: Theyíre very kind to you because you did dry up completely when you were thrown off-balance. Peter Jones is in second place, Clementís in third, Sheilaís yet to score. And Clement Freud would you begin the next round. The subject is the power of speech. Would you go for that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: The power of speech is something that you can get without petroleum, gas, electricity, or any other means which is normally used to induce power. What is required is a tongue, preferably a set of teeth, a larynx and the other attributes which oratologists and surgeons of ear, nose and throat are such experts in perfecting. I once knew a nurse who went into a hospital and said to a man ďwould you prepare yourself for the operation?Ē And he said ďcertainlyĒ. And she cut his toenails, scrubbed his knees...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Deviation, deviation, itís nothing to do with the power of speech.

NP: Cutting his toenails and scrubbing his knees? No! Of course not! You were keeping going with great difficulty there. I think he rather helped you out. I think you have a point and you have 17 seconds on the power of speech starting now.

PJ: Itís a really wonderful gift, to be able to sway an entire audience with oneís words, move them to great actions. And if you can even make them weep with sadness as you describe some tragic...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went which tells us of course that 60 seconds are up. He gained the point of course for speaking at that moment but he didnít have any effect on the audience with his power of speech! Except they applauded when the whistle went. Kenneth Williams weíd like you to begin the next round, the subject is reti... sorry! Reticence. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well curiously enough reticence has often led to incredible disclosures. Although this would appear paradoxical, it is a fact. Saint-Simon was one of the most reticent of all civilised beings at the court of Louis the Fourteenth. So he confided to a diary and therefore we now know the Duke of Bandeaux received everyone in private audience on the chaise perse which is quite nice, as a piece of intimate detail you see. Because it gives that little bit of colour to an otherwise...

SOUND HEARD

NP: (laughs) Sheila snorted, she was so carried away with the er...

KW: I thought it was the buzzer going.

NP: You asked, you asked, you asked...

KW: Do you know what she was doing that girl! She blew a raspberry! It was a raspberry, wasnít it! She blew a raspberry!

NP: She blew a raspberry yes, but she blew it at Clement Freud, not you. Letís be fair, letís give him another chance and we wonít score any points...

PJ: Heís going to go on droning away about all those French people if you give it back to him.

NP: Well if youíd challenged him for deviation because he was off the subject of reticence, I would have given it to you.

PJ: Well I know heís...

NP: heís got the subject still and thereís 26 seconds starting now.

KW: One of the most resti... reticent...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Oh itís absolutely disgraceful, weíre just being asked to make fools of ourselves arenít we! I mean Iíve come here with the learning and scholarship and all the arts and crafts at my command, and what am I done? I mean what happens? Iím just made nonsense of!

NP: So do you want to keep the subject?

KW: No!

PJ: He hesitated!

NP: Clement you have 18 seconds on reticence starting now.

CF: To be truly reticent would be to listen to Kenneth Williams repeating himself, mentioning the names of Kings of France over again and not press your buzzer. So thereís two of us who have this lovely quality at our commands and therefore our fingers twitch, our ears...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went so he got the extra point, but heís still in second place behind our two equal leaders Peter and Kenneth.

CF: Iím sorry, that would have to be third place, wouldnít it?

NP: No, youíre in second place because theyíre equal in the lead. Iíll put it to the audience. If the other two are equal in the lead, is Clement Freud in second place or third place?

SHOUTS OF ďTHIRDĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You rotten lot! Is he really in third place?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well theyíd better get another chairman. I mean er... You donít have people who donít know the difference between second and third place! I mean... I think weíll get on with the game before I make a bigger fool of myself. Sheila Hancock weíd like you to begin the next round because youíre lovely!

SH: Oh!

NP: And the subject is having my hair done, would you talk on that one for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: Itís painfully obvious looking at me, that I donít do this very often because I loathe it so much. I go about once every two months and have a bit cut off, so a bit doesnít fall over my eyes and I canít see. I walk in the shop. The only aspect of it that I do quite like is reading the magazines because Iím too mean to buy them, so I look up all the back numbers when I go on my occasional visit. Then I have the gown put round my neck and Iím chatted up by a nice feller called Peter who tells me that I...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Sheís just plugging this Peter! Itís deviation!

NP: I donít... thereís nothing in the rules...

KW: Sheís just giving him a plug! Itís giving him a plug, innit!

PJ: Itís not a very good plug...

KW: Chatting her up and putting gowns on her! What gowns? Youíre getting your hair done, not your dresses made! Gowns on her?

NP: Peter Jones made a very good point. He said itís not a very good plug because she also said she doesnít go there very often and her hairís a bit of a mess! But nothing personal Peter, if you are listening.

PJ: Itís the reverse of a plug, isnít it?

NP: Yes, poor old Peter!

PJ: Itís a nail in the coffin if you ask me! I wouldnít like to be in that hair dressing business, poor man! Youíre taking the bread out of his mouth, and his familyís probably!

SH: Heís very good...

PJ: Giving him all this bad publicity!

NP: Yes poor old Peter, yes, heís got the same name as you hasnít he? Was his other name Jones by any chance? I disagree with the challenge so you have a point Sheila and you keep the subject, having my hair done and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

SH: We then both gaze in the mirror at me which is the aspect of it I think I loathe most. And try and decide what we could so...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of loathe. She loathed going in the first place.

SH: Yes.

NP: Yes she loathed looking at herself in the mirror. I canít understand why, we love looking at you in the mirror. And the audiences love looking at you on the stage. But it was a correct challenge so Peter has the subject and there are 18 seconds on having my hair done Peter starting now.

PJ: This is quite difficult because barbers have a habit of telling one funny jokes, particularly if they recognise you and think you are connected, even loosely as I am, with humour...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Nothing to do, itís deviation, nothing to do with getting your hair done. This is discussing characters of men who tell him jokes...

PJ: And go to the barber!

NP: And go to the barber!

KW: Oh itís nothing to do with getting your hair done!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: I mean you could go off, you could go right off on a tangent and talk about walls decorated with certain kinds of wallpaper...

NP: Kenneth!

KW: ... in the place where I had my hair done. Youíre still not discussing where I had my hair done!

NP: If a barber doesnít do your hair, I donít know what does!

KW: He wasnít talking about a barber doing his hair...

NP: Yes he was!

KW: He said a barber tells him endless jokes!

NP: Yes...

PJ: Not a word about the French Revolution, you noticed!

KW: Well heís not a very interesting barber, is he, dear!

PJ: I havenít got on to the joke!

KW: Yes yes!

NP: Well when you are having your hair done...

KW: Iíll give you a trim and give you a bit of history as well!

NP: I think you might trim him too far. Kenneth I disagree with the challenge, Peter has a point, having my hair done is still with you Peter, and there are seven and a half seconds left starting now.

PJ: The great thing is that they have a captive audience! One is sitting there in the chair with this towel wrapped tightly...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: They canít be! How can they have a captive audience? An audience is plural. Youíre just one in a chair, arenít you?

PJ: Iím an audience of one! You can have an audience of one! The Pope had an audience of one the other day!

KW: Youíd slide out of anything, you would! Yes!

NP: If youíre challenging on deviation of audience of one, I disagree. If you challenge on the fact that heís talking about the audience...

PJ: Heís only challenging because he doesnít want to creep out of here with his tail between his legs again!

NP: Peter you have another point and a half second only left on getting my hair done starting now.

PJ: Itís lovely!

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones with some incorrect challenges managed to move forward at the end of that round and he now has a commanding lead over all the others. Kenneth Williams, the romantic revival. That is the subject...

PJ: Oh!

NP: ... that Ian Messiterís thought of for you and weíre all imagining what...

PJ: Youíre playing into his hands, you know!

NP: I know he is, yes! The French Revolution, Julius Caesar and Aphrodite and Perseus and the Gorgons and now the romantic revival, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I suppose in England the names one would connect with it are Frederick Leighton and Holman Hunt, Kate Greenaway perhaps, was a Pre-Raphaelite generally. And the kind of works that are exemplified by the drawings of William Morris. A very interesting movement it was, because it did bring back a lot of what one would call aesthetic colour and loveliness into otherwise very drab lives. And there was a suggestion put by these people to dress the dustmen more gaily...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

KW: There was! William Morris wanted to do that!

NP: I know but Sheila Hancock challenged.

KW: What? Whatís your challenge dearie?

SH: Well you were so busy doing your double take that you hesitated.

NP: Yes. But thatís it you see, you canít do it in Just A Minute. Having dressed the dustmen gaily he double-taked on the audience reaction he got and he paused. So Sheila got in with a correct challenge and there are 25 seconds left Sheila, the romantic revival starting now.

SH: Well there is a bit of a romantic revival going on, I think, in the theatre at the moment. The trend seems to be going towards happy jolly pleasing shows such as Showboat, and With A Spice of Romance, er, Gone With The Wind...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged first.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Clement and you have eight seconds on the romantic revival starting now.

CF: At the age of 60 it really is about time for the romantic revival to take place. And nightly people look down...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah the whistle went as Clement got to that point and he got an extra point for speaking when the whistle went. So heís three points behind our leader who is still Peter Jones. And Peter would you begin the next round. The subject is being on the rampage. Would you talk on that now for just one minute starting now.

PJ: Well I have been on the rampage on one occasion many years ago. It embarrasses me so much to talk about it that I think I will remain silent...

BUZZ

NP: (laughs)

PJ: Whatís the matter? I didnít hesitate.

NP: No you remained silent.

PJ: Yes.

NP: And Clement Freud challenged you.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: And hesitation.

PJ: Well it wasnít a hesitation, I just absolutely remained silent.

KW: He said I am going to remain silent. Thereís nothing in the game that says you canít!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Nothing in the game! Ahahahahah! Oh Iíve dropped my stitch!

NP: Thatís a very good point isnít it. Iíll tell you what. If I like I will put it to the audience because theyíre always the superior judges n this situation. I would say...

PJ: Well I donít know, we donít know what you think, er...

NP: Iíll tell you what I think, I think it was hesitation because if you are silent...

PJ: Oh well then, youíd better put it to the audience! They might not, you know...

SH: Peter if you get it youíve got no show because theyíll all just remain silent!

NP: Exactly!

PJ: Well itís only occasionally you know.

NP: Clement Freud has a point and there are 47 seconds on being on the rampage Clement starting now.

CF: Being on the rampage is particularly important when you sneak out of this theatre with your tail between your legs because it could be the only way to get back your pride, your self-satisfaction with life, and your general... yearn...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was good he got the subject wasnít it, because you were able to get back and get an extra point. So Peter you have 32 and a half seconds on being on the rampage starting now.

PJ: Yes well if the worst comes to the worst perhaps...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: Yes of the worst. Thirty seconds now Clement, being on the rampage starting now.

CF: Buy yourself a balloon and race down the Mall singing merry songs and then mount the pavement on the way to Hyde Park Corner, waving at Boadicea who is there behind her coach on the rampage as she was those 12... 14... 1600 years ago depending which history books you read. And as you come down Park Lane...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, so he got the extra point. And Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round. The subject, confessions. What a good subject for this particular show! We do hear a lot of very revealing things from our four panellists sometimes, donít we. Sheila will you talk on that now for 60 seconds starting now.

SH: If thereís one thing I dread in life, itís somebody saying to me ďI have a confession to makeĒ. I would much rather not know. I think there are certain things that you should always keep to yourself and not embarrass other people with. The Catholic Church specialise in confessions. You have a little box and the priest goes in one half, and the person goes in the other and tells all the things that theyíve done during the week and then comes out again...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Because they only confess the bad things that theyíve done.

SH: Well Iíve done all rotten things so Iíd have to say everything.

NP: Well actually I think thatís a very good challenge. Iím surprised the audience didnít clap. Itís not all the things youíve done, it is all the bad things youíve done. Thirty seconds now on confessions starting now.

CF: It was on Midsummerís Eve in the Beltons when the small girl was walking along, hanging behind her a bullterrier whom I kicked viciously and with malice aforethought. She turned to me and said ďdid you do that on purpose or is this some kind of joke?Ē And i admitted that it had been my full intention to land my foot against...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of foot.

NP: Yes you kicked it before. But yes, no, no, he kicked it before, it wasnít his foot, he said...

PJ: He kicked it with his foot, didnít he?

NP: He kicked it with his foot but he didnít use the word foot Iím afraid. You almost had me Peter...

SH: I think youíre actually going to get some letters this week!

NP: That is a reference to the fact that Clement was complaining once he didnít get any letters. There are six seconds left on confessions Clement starting now.

CF: When I sent my cheque to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, they replied ďthank you very much indeed...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement...

CF: That should stop the mail!

NP: That should stop the mail. So Clement Freudís confessions have taken him into the lead over Peter Jones at the end of that round. Kenneth is in a very definite third place and Sheilaís in fourth. And Clement, no, Peter, will you begin the next round. The subject, lollipops. Would you talk about lollipops for just one minute starting now.

PJ: These can be made at home if you have enough timber and sugar and water. You mix them all up, without the wood I mean, and then you place them in a container with the little sticks upright. And in the fridge this solidifies so that they can be...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Arenít you thinking of iced lollies? Do you have to put lollipops in the fridge? Do you Clement?

PJ: Well arenít they, arenít they the same thing? I thought they were, you see.

SH: No! Lollipops...

NP: Oh Iím glad you said that Peter because youíve helped me out of a problem. Because if you thought they were iced lollies, no, lollipops are a different thing. They are sweets on a stick as opposed to ices on a stick.

KW: How old are you?

PJ: I see! Yes!

NP: What about your children? Do they have lollipops or iced lollies Peter?

PJ: Well...

NP: You canít afford them, I suppose.

PJ: No I mean, I donít, they have iced lollies I think, occasionally. Yes.

NP: Oh poor things! Sheila I agree with your challenge and you have the subject and there are 37 seconds on lollipops starting now.

SH: These are an absolute menace, terribly bad for childrenís teeth. And you should encourage them not to eat them...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, you canít encourage not. You must mean discourage. Ah you see the whole thingís a mess, you got it all...

SH: Encourage them not to eat them!

KW: You canít encourage not to eat, what you meant to say was you should discourage them eating them, thatís what you meant.

NP: Itís discourage them from eating them.

KW: So I am accusing you of devious grammar. I think... yes... yes, youíll agree...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Everyone agrees! They all agree!

NP: They all agree they would like to hear you talk on the subject of lollipops! When you have to keep going in this game under the pressures that surrounds you, it is perfectly possible to use colloquial English which is what Sheila was doing then. Encourage them not to do something.

SH: I donít think heís right anyway. I shall look it up when I go home!

NP: Twenty seconds Sheila on lollipops starting now.

SH: Oh! Oh! Oh!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams got in first.

SH: I thought you were going to give it to him!

CF: Repetition of oh.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: I thought he was getting it!

NP: She wasnít ready for it.

SH: No!

NP: Give Clement Freud a, no, donít! Give it back to Sheila...

SH: Oh no, donít! Give it to him, go on! I donít want you to kow-tow to me.

NP: Well give it to Kenneth Williams then, because heís trailing still.

SH: Yes.

NP: Kenneth you have 29 seconds on lollipops starting now.

KW: (in high pitched Scottish female voice) Well theyíre suckable! And as such provide an enormous amount of comfort to people who derive that extra salivation from your wee sweetie! And I love them! If I canít get my stick of rock, Iím apt to...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Yes Iím sorry, I thought youíd gone, I thought youíd deviated.

NP: On a stick of rock?

SH: On a stick of rock.

NP: He said heíd, he was going to say...

SH: If I canít have, yes.

NP: If I canít find something else. So Kenneth has a point for a wrong challenge and there are nine seconds on lollipops Kenneth starting now.

KW: (in Scottish female voice) And the dreadful thing when youíre getting to the end and the wee bit of food...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Wee wee. I mean a second wee.

NP: Yes you had too much wee in that. Sorry Kenneth! Clement had a correct challenge, four seconds on lollipops Clement starting now.

CF: This is a low class sweetmeat available at all good confectioners...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point, heís increased his lead, heís on the magical number of 13. I say magical because I think itís good luck, some people think itís bad luck. Oh Iíve just got a message from our producer. You were going to begin the next round Kenneth but Iíve told, alas, we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Isnít that sad! Oh!

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: You donít seem very sad about it. Anyway it doesnít matter. Well weíre very sad because we enjoy playing Just A Minute. And we do hope youíve enjoyed listening to the game. I must say Iíve almost given you the final score. Sheila Hancock was in fourth place. Kenneth Williams was only just in third place behind Peter Jones who was behind this weekís winner Clement Freud! We do hope you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.