JAM:TSlattery,DWinton,ASmith,JSweeney
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON, ARTHUR SMITH and JIM SWEENEY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 July 1995)


THEME MUSIC

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you, yes. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute, the exhilarating half hour of slalom embarrassment for the brain, the tongue and the seat of the pants. And as usual I have two regular players of the game. On my left, the captain of the London team, the magnificent specimen of comic invention that is Tony Slattery!

TONY SLATTERY: Thank you, and with me, with me I have a hugely successful stand-up comic, playwright, traveller, and founder member of the Janet Street-Porter fan club, the one and only Arthur Smith!

NP: Yes! Right! And the other regular player of the game, on my right, the captain of the Midlands team, host of the most successful shopping-orientated television game show since Sale Of The Century, yes, it is the amazingly loquacious host of Supermarket Sweep, Dale Winton!

DALE WINTON: Thank you, thank you! And with me I have a man who is not only a brilliant comic actor, but also whatís also brilliant about him is that he can just do anything on the spur of the moment, canít you? Lovely! Yes, heís a master of spontaneous comedy, heís a regular Comedy Store Player, and guest on Whose Line Is It Anyway, heís the fabulous Jim Sweeney!

NP: Well those are our four valiant players of the game, and Iím going to ask them to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. They will gain points for themselves or give them away to the opposition as we play the game. And most importantly not only do they get points for themselves but they get points for their teams, it is the Midlands against London. Who is going to win this week? Dale Winton, your turn to begin, the subject is what Iím doing here. Thatís a good subject for Just A Minute. Dale will you go on it, 60 seconds starting now.

DW: What Iím doing here is a curious story. It goes back to oh about early March, Iíd say. Something like that, when I was working in my supermarket because thatís what I do for a day job. And along came a customer, our very own chairperson, who sashayed up the aisles, headed towards wine and spirits. And I seem to remember quite clearly alerting our checkout girls to watch him, because ďI said that is a television star, it is Nicholas Parsons...Ē

BUZZ

TS: Deviation, television star, Nicholas Parsons?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh! Oh!

DW: Nicholas, I wouldnít have that if I were you.

NP: I wouldnít have Tony at any price!

TS: How soon you forget!

NP: Iíll show you how generous, I will show this lovely audience how generous I can be. Tony, because the audience enjoyed that challenge, I will give you a bonus point...

ARTHUR SMITH: You are a star Nicholas! Donít let them say otherwise! Donít let him get away with that!

NP: Heís not going to get away with it...

AS: Let Dale keep it! Youíre a marvellous man! Youíve worked with a lot of people! Youíre one of the greats of show biz! You think youíre Nicholas Parsons and you are!

NP: Right! You can have a bonus point as well! I was showing my sense of fair play and generosity by giving Tony a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge. But I disagree with the challenge so Dale you get a point for that...

DW: What good does that do me? They get two points and Iíve got to start again!

NP: No you...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: No you get a point because itís an incorrect challenge...

DW: Oh I get a point as well?

NP: Yes you get a point...

DW: If I tell you youíre gorgeous too, can I have another one like Arthur?

NP: Yes...

BUZZ

NP: What do you want?

JIM SWEENEY: Can I just say hello to anyone who knows me?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well isnít that nice! All the audience know you Jim! Dale you have a point for being interrupted, no, sorry, for an incorrect challenge. And you keep the subject, what Iím doing here, 39 seconds starting now.

DW: The aforementioned celebrity did in fact visit my store. And I watched him very closely and said to the head of security, ďbe careful, be warned, Iím not sure...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Right...

TS: Repetition of be very close together.

DW: Oh thatís not fair!

TS: Be careful, be warned, itís quite small, itís just...

BOOING FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: Look... no... hang on!

NP: Tony that was a correct challenge and a good challenge, 30 seconds for you on what Iím doing here starting now.

TS: (whimpers)

BUZZ

TS SITS WITH HEAD IN HANDS

NP: So you see what happens. They get inhibited by their challenges, they lose it immediately. Dale you have it back, another point to you, 28 seconds, what Iím doing here starting now.

DW: While I was in this said shop, because I havenít said that one before, and Iím running out of things to describe it as, I will tell you that Nicholas Parsons...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition of Nicholas Parsons.

DW: I know!

TS: And we canít have enough of him!

NP: Youíre making up for it now, arenít you! Right! Twenty seconds for you Tony, what Iím doing here starting now.

TS: What Iím doing here is modelling catalogue clothes. Now Iím not, Iím going to look at my watch now. Iím standing quite stiffly because my suit is made of pre-stressed concrete rather like Nicholas Parsonsí hair. The other...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

AS: Ah...

NP: Deviation!

AS: Deviation!

NP: Well done, yes! So Arthur youíve got in with a point for yourself and a point for your team, six seconds, what Iím doing here starting now.

AS: What Iím doing here is arranging my hands and fingers in the shape of a number of daffodils floating on the side of a mountain...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Arthur Smith, demonstrating that heís also a poet, kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Heís in second place now...

BUZZ

NP; Yes Jim?

JS: Can I just say Iíll be home soon, can you put the kettle on? I just like to let them know where I am, you see. They could have got worried somewhere in there.

NP: Well done Jim, youíll have a turn in a minute. Right, the London team is now leading the Midlands team because their points are added together. You neednít clap, itís not worth it. My last driving lesson is the next subject, Arthur Smith has it, well Arthur Smith has always had it, but heís going to start talking on that subject starting now.

AS: My last driving lesson was a disaster when over 500 people were mown down and killed. This is because um due er...

BUZZ

NP: Jim Sweeney!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

JS: Thank you very much and good night! Um sorry...

NP: I must draw attention to the fact that the, the gallant players of this game who trail a little often win all the audience sympathy. You have that audience in the palm of your hand Jim. You can do as you wish. You have a point...

JS: Do you have a light? Um hesitation, hesitation.

NP: That was correct, you have a point, you have my last driving lesson, 51 seconds starting now.

JS: My last driving lesson would be exactly the same as my first because I canít actually drive. Iíve never been able to, itís never interested me in any way so...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition of never.

NP: Never. Two nevers yes.

TS: Sorry.

CRIES OF ďAWWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: Can I just point out to everybody that if I donít buzz in the people in the audience would say ďdonít patronise himĒ!

NP: Right Tony, 45 seconds, my last driving lesson... Tony are you ready for it?

TS: All right.

NP: Yes, my last driving lesson starting now.

TS: Hereís a true story. My last driving lesson, my instructor drove me to the hospital because I had double pneumonia and I expectorated...

BUZZ

NP: Yes Arthur?

AS: Two pneumonias.

JS: Very good!

NP: Arthur, within the rules of Just A Minute, he didnít actually repeat the word pneumonia. But as we enjoyed the challenge so much, give you a bonus point, leave it with Tony, he gets a point for being interrupted. Thirty-seven seconds, my last driving lesson starting now.

TS: My last driving lesson was from Tony Palmer who is a golfer I think, on the exercise yard of Wandsworth Prison. I knocked the ball into the face of Bill Simpson who was the only warder there. It stuck in his gob and I escaped. What a fantastic lesson it was! Freedom at last! I then...

BUZZ

DW: Actually, I suddenly... Iím sorry, Iím being thick and stupid here, but did I not hear two escapes? Because it was escape and then he went back to escape again.

NP: I think youíre right, yes Dale.

DW: Am I right?

NP: Yes!

TS: No! The audience donít care! You probably are right actually Dale.

NP: The audience donít think so?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Oh all right but they must know. Youíve still got the subject, my last driving lesson starting now.

TS: My last driving lesson was like Arthurís, a disaster. Because I too was in the back of his car and I produced a long machete with which I stabbed the instructor in the neck...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

DW: Instructor was twice.

NP: You did have instructor before.

TS: Yes.

NP: Well listened Dale.

DW: Sorry.

NP: So nine seconds are available for you Dale on my last driving lesson starting now.

DW: My last driving lesson was in a vintage Austin Allegro. Oh what fun it was! We took to the country roads around Derbyshire, the Peak District, because Iím from the Midlands. Thatís why Iím playing for this team...

WHISTLE

NP: Dale Winton was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Heís equal with Arthur Smith in second place behind our leader Tony Slattery. And weíve reached a certain point in the show where I change direction. Instead of giving...

AS: Change round then!

NP: Instead of giving them a subject, I offer them an object. The black segments in front of me part and out will arise an object...

OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL

NP: Two objects in fact! Now they have to identify them if they can but they also have to speak about them without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And weíre going to begin with Jim Sweeney. Jim there are the objects, tell us something about them starting now.

JS: Theyíre two cats! They are indeed wonderful creatures who live a life of their own. Very independent, not bothered or even running around after the other human owners that they may have....

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

AS: Thatís deviation, it wasnít English or anything.

NP: It was deviation, the fact, the human owners that they have.

AS: Yeah. Whatever!

NP: Whatever! Twenty-eight seconds Arthur, thereís the object starting now.

AS: As has been said, that is two cats. But...

BUZZ

TS: Iím so sorry Arthur, that is deviation. That is two cats!

AS: No, that...

AS POINTS AROUND THE PEDESTAL HOLDING THE OBJECTS

AS: ... is two cats!

TS: I withdraw my objection...

AS: Iíll just see if I can make it one cat!

AS LEANS OVER AND LIFTS ONE OF THE CATS OFF THE PEDESTAL

NP: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, no...

NP TAKES THE CAT FROM AS AND LEANS OVER TO THE REVOLVING PEDESTAL

NP: Iíll wait till it comes round again... Tony you have a correct challenge, thereís the object, 24 seconds... as it comes round, Iíll put this one on again for you starting now.

TS: This is the official support emblem of...

NP RETURNS CAT TO PEDESTAL

TS: I canít go on if Iím just being upstaged!

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

DW: Well he didnít want to go on, did he?

NP: He didnít want to go on. Dale you have another point and 16 seconds on the object starting now.

DW: Theyíre rather beautiful arenít they? I used to own one just like the big one which is why I think...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition of one, own one just like the big one.

DW: Oh!

NP: Another point to you Tony, thereís the object, talk on them starting now.

TS: Come with me now to London Zoo if you...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

DW: No he didnít say London in this one, did he?

NP: No he didnít.

DW: No Iím being too sharp.

NP: Youíre being too sharp... half a second...

DW: No I take it back...

NP: You canít take it back, heís got another point Iím afraid, and half a second, thereís the object starting now.

TS: All right, donít go with me to the circus...

WHISTLE

TS: Weíre screaming ahead! (to AS) Look interested!

NP: Tony Slattery then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so, has increased his lead. Now I can give anybody a bonus point because these two stuffed animals here are actually very famous cats. They... can you identify them?

TS: Are they from Blue Peter?

NP: No. Youíre so far out I can give somebody else another go.

AS: Are they from the film Born Free?

NP: No, a very good attempt, but way off. I will tell you, they are actually the South End voting cats, Ginger and Tiny Tim.

DW: Of course.

NP: They appeared on the electoral roll in 1961 because their owner put them on the electric roll on the...

TS: The electric roll? Theyíve never been on the electric roll!

NP: They were when they were stuffed!

TS: Were they?

NP: Yes! On the electoral roll, they were put, because the owner maintained because they were both over 21 years of age...

AS: Oh this is so boring!

NP: ... and they were both residents for 21 years of that particular borough they were entitled to be on the electoral roll...

AS AND TS SLUMP IN THEIR SEATS, HEADS IN HANDS

AS SNORES LOUDLY

NP: And so they made history! Historyís been made! You get information on this programme as well as entertainment!

OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE

NP: As I send them to sleep... Oh theyíre gone! Back to South End! Right! Thank you, thank you! At the halfway mark in the contest...

AS AND TS SLUMP BENEATH THE DESK

NP: ...the London team are leading the Midlands team by 13 points...

TS: (from under the desk) Tell me more about the cat!

NP: Oh heís impossible and incorrigible and... After that unwarranted attack on the rules of grammar and social etiquette, I think weíd better take a short break but youíll see us after this.

THEME MUSIC

COMMERCIAL BREAK

NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. Letís roll up our trousers and paddle carelessly into the next round. Arthur Smith...

AS: Yes?

NP: Put your pencil down, concentrate please, youíre playing Just A Minute. Itís your turn to begin, doing the Lambeth walk. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.

AS: I do the Lambeth walk nearly every day of my life. I donít just do it in Lambeth, I do it...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition, repetition of do it.

NP: Yes you can repeat the words on the card. Tony got in first, 52 seconds Tony, doing the Lambeth walk starting now.

TS: I donít know much about musicals but in the 1930s there was one such entertainment called Me And My Girl in which the most famous song, I believe, was Doing The Lambeth Walk...

BUZZ

AS: I think heís being a bit coy here, because he was in the show, wasnít he?

TS: Thatís not coy.

NP: No, he was being modest.

TS: Iím being...

AS: He was being coy!

TS: Youíre on my side!

NP: Well actually...

AS: I donít want to be! I want to be on his! Iím moving to the Midlands!

NP: Right anyway all that happens is Arthur you helped your team because I disagree with the challenge and Tony gets another point, doing the Lambeth walk, 43 seconds starting now.

TS: Ah! (snorts)

BUZZ

NP: Dale?

TS: Brain went, sorry.

DW: Well that was a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was then, yes, 42 seconds, doing the Lambeth walk starting now.

DW: Doing the Lambeth walk is a way of describing the way someone walks...

BUZZ

TS: Repetition of way, is a way of describing the way someone walks.

DW: Oh heís right you know!

TS: Sorry Dale.

DW: No itís all right., no, no, itís all right. And fair.

NP: Thirty-nine seconds, doing the Lambeth walk, Tony, starting now.

TS: I wasnít being coy, I just donít like to blow my own trumpet as some people do on my team. Hah...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

DW: Well you know, two mys there. My own trumpet, my team. No, well it was the same deal as when he stopped me.

TS: I know.

NP: I know, I know, donít be so defensive.

DW: They donít like me! They like him!

TS: They like you! They like you! See!

NP: Havenít you realised theyíre the most peculiar audience Iíve ever known! They blow hot and cold whichever way they want to go like that. They go on and off you...

AS: But they consistently hate me!

NP: Dale, correct challenge, 34 seconds, doing the Lambeth walk starting now.

DW: I think that the production Tony was referring to featured Flanagan and Allen, correct me if Iím wrong but that was...

BUZZ

TS: Youíre wrong!

NP: Youíre wrong! No, it featured Lupino Lane and Sally Gray and um...

TS: Oh itís another cat story!

NP: Twenty-nine seconds for you, doing the Lambeth walk Tony starting now.

TS: Picture the scene as all the pearly Queens and Kings go down Lambeth with their thumbs in the air, kicking their skirts, being cheerful...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

AS: Deviation, whatís this thumbs in the air business? Were they like this?

AS HOLDS UP ARMS WITH THUMBS UP SIGNAL

TS: Thatís it!

AS: Theyíre not hiking down the road, are they?

TS: Yes thatís how you do the Lambeth walk. (sings) Doing the Lambeth walk! Oi!

AS: Iím from Lambeth! I know! Iíll show you how to do the Lambeth walk!

TS: You live in Hampstead! What are you talking about?

AS STANDS UP

NP: Keep with your microphone. You must have your microphone. Yes?

AS: I will now demonstrate the Lambeth walk.

NP: Right.

AS: Um... right... it sort of goes like this.

AS DOES A WALK OF A SASHAYING CATWALK MODEL, EXAGGERATED HIP SWIVELS

AS: See?

TS: I think thatís more Earlís Court!

NP: I think you should sit down Arthur!

AS SITS DOWN

NP: Earlís Court, yes, there we are! I disagree with your challenge but your team gets the point for that one. Another point to you Tony, 21 seconds, doing the Lambeth walk starting now.

TS: The aforesaid knockabout actor to whom our graceful chairman referred, Lupino Lane, was one of the greatest theatrical and physical clowns of the 1930s. His co-star sang such beautiful songs within the film, The Lambeth Walk which not a lot of people know about, and indeed, it doesnít exist...

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

DW: Well there was a bleurgh, hesitation.

NP: We call that hesitation.

DW: How much time have we got left? Iím fed up with this one!

NP: You cleverly got in with three seconds to go...

DW: Oh I donít believe it!

NP: I think you did believe it because you knew that. Right, three seconds, Lambeth walk or doing the Lambeth walk starting now.

DW: Doing the Lambeth walk is a play all about being in London...

WHISTLE

NP: So Dale Winton was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so, and Dale has moved into second place behind Tony Slattery who is still our leader. Weíre moving into the last round. Itís Jim Sweeneyís turn to begin. Jim the subject we have here is what makes me laugh. We know what makes the audience laugh, it is you. But would you talk on the subject starting now.

JS: What makes me laugh? Several things do. Laurel and Hardy, I always found the funniest double act that ever existed on the face of the earth. Their films are an absolute joy and constantly bring tears to my eyes. Iíve also been a fan for many years of Robin Williams and ah several other comics as well. Iíve also lost the will to live in continuing with this sentence. I must now start repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating...

BUZZ

NP: Yes! Dale?

DW: I was desperate not to press my buzzer there, but I knew that if I didnít, they would! And I had to!

NP: You had to come in and he gave you the cue, repeating, repeating, repeating. Forty-one seconds, another point to you and the Midlands, what makes me laugh starting now.

DW: What makes me er...

BUZZ

NP: Tony you got in first, 39 seconds, what makes me laugh starting now.

TS: The problem is what makes me laugh, Iím sorry, are moustaches. I just canít get my head round them at all. Little caterpillars crawling across oneís upper lip. They just look fatuous. Even on older people, what is the point of this dribbly bit of pathetic facial hair which looks like an eyebrow thatís had a hernia. Itís gone right down there. Even Lord Palmerston and I knew him well. Not the war-famous person but another...

BUZZ

NP: Yes? What?

AS: Well he said war famous.

NP: Yes hesitation.

AS: Hesitation, deviation.

NP: Deviation from language as we understand it and a lot of other things. Arthur youíve got in with nine seconds to go, what makes me laugh starting now.

AS: What makes me laugh is bleurghblublu! Hahahahaha!

BUZZ

NP: Yes?

TS: Repetition of blu! Four times!

NP: Actually I think you could have had him for repetition of ha but not blu, because that was one...

AS: That was one entity.

NP: One entity. Hahahaha was repetition.

TS: Pardon me, the Institute For International Phonetics?

NP: I disagree so Arthurís still got the subject...

TS: All right.

NP: Another point to you Arthur, six seconds still, what makes me laugh starting now.

AS: Oh that this too sullid flesh would melt...

BUZZ

TS: Sullid? Too sullid flesh?

NP: Sordid I think is the correct quote.

TS: Too sordid flesh?

NP: Too sordid.

AS: Itís not sordid! Nicholas, who has written a play on the West End and who hasnít?

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

AS: Furthermore Tonyís wrong, it is sullid.

TS: Is it?

AS: Sullied!

TS: Itís sullen!

AS: (laughs) Sullied!

TS: No...

NP: Arthur youíve written a play on the West End, weíre all going to bow to you and you have three seconds on what makes me laugh starting now.

AS: That...

BUZZ

DW: Well that was hesitation.

AS: Thatís true!

NP: Definitely! And youíve got in with two seconds to go on the subject starting now.

DW: Sullen or sullied, it still makes me laugh...

WHISTLE

NP: So Dale Winton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. Weíve reached the end of the contest and the one who has most points so we congratulate him is Tony Slattery!

TS: Yes! Yes!

NP: And with his partner, Arthur Smith, they amassed an amazing total of points which was 17 ahead of the Midland team so they are the victors this week, TH London team! I think itís about time my valiant players of the team sashayed their way back to the dressing room, slapped each other on the back, and told them all how wonderful they were. So from Tony Slattery, Arthur Smith, Jim Sweeney and Dale Winton and from myself Nicholas Parsons, we hope youíve enjoyed the show, weíve enjoyed it. Tune in again same time next week, weíll be here playing Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC