JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,AMacdonald
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 30 January 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we welcome back to fill the fourth chair or the ladies chair, whichever way you look at it, Aimi Macdonald. And once again sheís going to try and pit her wits against our three regular and experienced male players of the game. And once again Iím going to ask them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you talk on my exuberance. What a delightful subject to begin the show with, and would you talk on it now for 60 seconds starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Quite appropriate for me, because recently I had a nasty pain and I went to a gentleman who removed it. And I sprang into the street, very exuberant and cried out
(very fast) ďDenmark is all we can say,
Take one look and throw it away,
Know it will all be forgotten,
Thereís always something rotten,
Hoist up your skirts and fly,
This is my alibiĒ.
And all the joyful thoughts that flew through my mind with lyric coming and verses and quadraines. And as Shakespeare says ďremember snatches of old tunesĒ. (sings) Itís an old Demarthene. (speaking) Oh the blood was flowing, my adrenaline reeling through the veins. And people passing by said ďhere, you all right?Ē And I was not deterred! Kept right on to the bus stop, flew on to the bus, got on the top deck and...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

KW: Oh itís a cheek, isnít it! Oh! It really is a nerve! Iíve come all the way from Kingís Cross!

NP: Well you may have...

KW: Whatís the basis of his challenge?

NP: Well weíll hear if you give him a chance Kenneth!

KW: Oh sorry!

NP: There are six seconds to go, Clementís got in with a challenge. What is it Clement?

CLEMENT FREUD: Two buses. Bus stop and bus.

NP: Oh yes! How tough you are! Another six seconds and heíd have got two points and a resounding round of applause. But Clement that is a correct challenge so you gain the subject and a point. You have six seconds to go on my exuberance starting now.

CF: I am of course pretty well known for my exuberance...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement, Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: (laughs) Deviation, itís a complete lie!

NP: I think Kenneth, he very generously fed you a cue there for you to be able to come in beautifully like that, because I entirely agree with you! Heís not well known for his exuberance! So we give you a point Kenneth, for a correct challenge for once...

CF: There was...

NP: Whatís that?

CF: There was a rider.

NP: I donít mind whether it was a rider or not, you are not very exuberant Clement. Iím not...

CF: I was going to explain where I was well known!

NP: All right, Iíve made a decision, Iím going to stick by it and for once Kennethís got in with only two and a half seconds to go which is very unusual for Kenneth. So we give him a point and the correct challenge and two and a half seconds starting now.

KW: I was so exuberant on this show. I once took my shirt off and the audience cried out in delight...

WHISTLE

NP: So at the end of that round, thereís absolutely no doubt about it. Kenneth Williams has a commanding lead over everybody else. In fact hardly anybody else has spoken yet! Um Clement Freud would you begin the next round please. The subject is the small shopkeeper. Will you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

CF: The small shopkeeper is likely to be a man of less than five foot nine, which is the average size for managers or employees in such emporia. Alternately the phrase could be referring to the size of his shop. For instance, a place which is 18 cubic yards of 93 square feet, let alone 463 inches by half a fathom, could possibly...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AIMI MACDONALD: Um repetition.

NP: Of what?

AM: Well he keeps talking about some form of size.

NP: Well thatís a delightful challenge Aimi. But heís talking about, heís trying to illustrate to us the small shopkeeper. If youíd said...

AM: Heís talking about 18 such and such...

NP: Yes but if youíd said of course you couldnít measure a shop by a fathom...

CF: Why not?

PETER JONES: Because, because it would be under water and the shopkeeper would be drowned!

NP: Thank you Peter for helping me pit. Actually I think Aimi, it was an incorrect challenge because he was trying to illustrate it by size, the small shopkeeper, and er not quite devious enough. So Clement you keep the subject, itís a wrong challenge, you have 32 seconds left, a small shopkeeper starting now.

CF: I knew a shopkeeper who was six foot three, but when on all fours...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He has mentioned foot before.

NP: Yes.

PJ: When he was giving us the measurements...

NP: He said it was five foot something...

KW: Oh heís sharp, innee? Straight out of the knife box, innee? Ooohhh watch him this week, mate!

NP: Peter a correct challenge, so you now have 27 seconds on the small shopkeeper starting now.

PJ: Well Iím very much on his side and he should be encouraged. Weíve got several million ones...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?

CF: Sadism!

LAUGHTER FROM KW, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So on what basis of the rules of the game do you challenge Clement?

CF: Itís bad enough being a small shopkeeper without having Peter Jones on your side!

NP: An incorrect challenge but a lovely thought! Twenty-three seconds on the small shopkeeper Peter starting now.

PJ: The great thing about him is that he is human. You can talk to him...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well deviation, the subject is the small shopkeeper and heís saying the great thing about him. I mean how can it be great if heís a small shopkeeper?

NP: He said the great...

PJ: Great oaks from little acorns grow!

KW: Is that a filthy crack?

NP: He said the great thing about the small shopkeeper is something else. And that was the point he made, and heís not deviating from the subject. And so he keeps it and there are 19 seconds on the subject starting now.

PJ: Heís got interesting comments to make on what is happening in the neighbourhood. And he can tell you things about the neighbours if you ask him. You can discuss...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Deviation, heís stopped talking about the shopkeeper...

NP: Oh no Aimi, heís definitely talking about the shopkeeper and what he says in the neighbourhood, Iím afraid. I, I have to be accurate. There are 10 seconds left with Peter on the small shopkeeper starting now.

PJ: Heís very obliging. If he doesnít have it in stock he will offer to get it for you and does. Now these big places they donít do anything of the kind. Theyíre run by computers...

WHISTLE

NP: Well obviously the small shopkeeper is a friend of Peter Jones because it gained him a considerable number of points in that round. Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are equal in second place with two points. Aimi Macdonald is yet to score but sheís now going to talk to us on the subject of blushing. And you did just a moment ago so beautifully Aimi! You have 60 seconds on it starting now.

AM: This actually is a very interesting...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged before she started!

PJ: Well I want to just make a false challenge so that Aimi can have a point to be going on with!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: We need to encourage her, you know!

AM: Oh I canít, I...

NP: Peter I must point out to you that last time Aimi Macdonald was with us, she won! She beat you convincingly.

KW: Yeah and you want to stop sucking up to all these ladies! Trying to get willing in!

NP: Yes, only the chairmanís allowed to suck up to the lady contestants.

AM: It was a very nice thought, you must agree!

NP: Oh yes, you got a point for it too.

AM: Does he, (laughs) does he do that to all the ladies?

NP: No, only to you.

AM: Oh! (giggles)

NP: So itís put you right off your stroke too, Iíll bet. Itís all very clever tactics.

AM: Iím blushing! (laughs)

NP: Aimi you have 59 and a half seconds, 59 and a half seconds on blushing starting now.

AM: As I was saying this is something I just heard about actually. If you stand in front of a mirror with nothing on, itís terribly interesting. Because you can see where your blush begins. Itís somewhere around the diaphragm area and it creeps up through the chest, over the shoulders, up the neck and into the cheeks. (collapses in giggles)

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Nothing much was happening! I was um...

NP: No!

CF: ...trying to keep the show going! Or hesitation, I think itís called!

AM: (still giggling)

NP: She was waiting for the blush to creep up, that was what it was. It er certainly crept with great rapidity Iím afraid. And you did hesitate so Clement I agree with your challenge and 35 seconds on blushing starting now.

CF: I saw a shop window the other day, in which there was a notice which said ďBlushing question mark. Come to the Wigmore Hall every other ThursdayĒ. I felt this was a very strange request because to come in alternate weeks on the fourth day of the seven day... span...

BUZZ

NP: Peter you managed to get in first.

PJ: Oh did I? Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, he was going so magnificently he couldnít believe heíd paused. Peter I agree with your challenge, you have a point and you have 10 seconds on blushing starting now.

PJ: Itís something you donít see very often nowadays. I suppose in the permissive society, less things cause peopleís blood to rush to their faces than used to...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones was speaking then when the whistle went so he gained the extra point. And by the way if you donít already know it, the whistle does tell us that 60 seconds are up. And if you havenít already been told in a letter, er Ian Messiter blows the whistle for us. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round. The subject, Sporus. You nod, fine, you must know something about it. Sixty seconds...

PJ: I didnít quite hear. What was it again?

NP: Sporus.

KW: itís not your subject! Wash your ears out, mate! What a nerve!

PJ: Well if I donít find out from him, what youíre talking about, Iíll never know!

KW: Oh thank you!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Shut up! Shut your rows! What a nerve! You want to shut up, you... We all know, we all know whose friends are up front tonight, donít we! He pays them!

NP: Oh itís a great show tonight!

KW: He goes up and down the queue, he does! He says ďyouíre not cold, are you? Iíll get you in the warm!Ē I saw him saying to a woman ďIíll get you in the warm!Ē Outside here!

NP: It would be very embarrassing as he already had Aimi Macdonald in the warm here as well. Right, all the knives are out, the jackets will be off soon. Kenneth will you begin on Sporus starting now.

KW: Well there are two people to whom one can attribute this name. I suppose historically it rightly belongs to the effeminate favourite of the Emperor Nero. They got married in Corinth. This boy had a wig on and nobody knew it wasnít the real thing. He said it was an incredible likeness to Pepeea who of course was the wife in bygone days. It was also the name, Sporus, which was used by Pope to satirise Lord Harvey, who was then a Minister in the Government of the day in a thing called the Epistle to Doctor Arbutnott which was famed for very... itís absolutely true! Interesting lines including a marvellous couplet about who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel which is really what has been happening to me on this show. Iíve been treated like a load of rubbish...

WHISTLE

NP: Kenneth Williams started with the subject, he finished with it without being interrupted though Peter did challenge just on the whistle. He not only gets a point for speaking when the whistle went, an extra point for speaking without being interrupted. And obviously Ian Messiter thought of the subject specially for him because heís well informed. Everything he said was correct except for the bit about the butterfly. And that was devious and Iím sure Peter challenged for, a second or half a second too late. Clement Freud will you begin the next round and the subject is my cellar, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: My cellar contains an unusual assortment of rats, mice, butterflies, cockroaches, wine, and beetles. Also bottles of cider, crates of beer and a ton...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: I would certainly agree.

PJ: Oh you would.

CF: I would too.

NP: There are 45 seconds on my cellar Peter starting now.

PJ: We havenít got very much in my cellar. The plasterís fallen off the walls and the ceiling, so that the rafters are not obscured any longer. And thereís dirt on the floor, I regret to say, plus a number of things that weíve thrown out of the upper part of the house like old cardboard boxes and bits of raffia dressed er...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

PJ: Yes I think I did.

NP: Yes a point for a correct challenge and you have 23 seconds on my cellar starting now.

AM: In my cellar I unfortunately have the most enormous spiders. Theyíre about eight inches in diameter and really quite ugly. In order to swat one of those, one canít get too close because...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: The whole thing is deviation, there are no spiders in her cellar that are eight inches in diameter!

AM: How do you know? Youíve never been to my cellar.

KW: I happen to know the species of spiders that are popular in Great Britain, and it doesnít include anything that size, apart from whatís in the Zoological Department.

AM: Oh thatís not true!

KW: It is true! Iíve been to the zoo, Iíve seen the biggest one...

NP: Can you justify it because what heís saying is correct?

KW: ... theyíve got. Eight inches in diameter! Who ever heard of it!

AM: I donít mean the body!

NP: You mean...

KW: You said eight inches in diameter!

AM: Yes well the whole thing with its legs and everything.

KW: Well a tarantula right out, dear, is only three inches.

PJ: Is this your cellar in Caracas, Aimi?

KW: Even a tarantula, came right out of a load of bananas at me! I happen to know!

NP: Actually Aimi, he is correct. Thatís a huge spider which you would never get in this country!

KW: Sheís told lies! Look at her face! Lies! Sheís gone red, yes! She wants...

NP: She actually helped me out because she lifted up the ash, the ashtray...

AM: Theyíre about that big. Whatís that?

NP: I would say...

PJ: An ashtray!

NP: About six inches. Kenneth I agree with your challenge so you have eight seconds on my cellar starting now.

KW: My cellar is two things actually, the salt and the pepper. And invaluable they are! Oh the joy of a boiled egg...

WHISTLE

KW: ...with a bit of salt on!

NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went. He got the extra point...

KW: So Iím in the lead! Iím in the lead now, right?

NP: You are leading Clement Freud.

KW: What do you mean by that?

NP: Youíre behind Peter Jones who is way in the lead and has been ever since the second round.

KW: Something funnyís going on here! Eh! Ooh!

NP: Aimi Macdonald will you begin the next round, the subject is my lot. Will you talk about my lot starting now.

AM: On my lot there are things about four inches in diameter...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

AM: ...that crawl from plant to plant and end up...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of plant.

AM: I didnít hear anybody buzz.

NP: I know, he buzzed, heís got a very silent buzzer, Clement Freud has. He presses his buzzer very silently, you see, so you hardly hear it. He sort of sneaks in with his challenges. What is it Clement?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Of what?

CF: Plant to plant.

NP: Yes I know. Rather unfair, wasnít it. She hasnít really got going...

AM: Oh yes we were talking about that before with day to day and all that.

NP: Yes what a pity! All right Clement, I must be accurate within the rules of the game. You have a point, you have 51 seconds, my lot starting now.

CF: My lot is a particularly unenviable one because I make decent challenges and am permanently overridden by a man who calls himself chairman. For some unaccountable reason is employed by the British Broadcasting Corporation to make him look an idiot...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: I canít hear him actually!

KW: Nothing to do with the game! Thatís nothing to do with the game!

NP: Aimi... Aimi... I wouldnít mind...

CF: Deafness is a certain...

PJ: Itís very unfair, he and his buzzer are inaudible!

KW: You shouldnít have her on the show! Sheís deaf! She canít hear! Why do they have her on! I donít know!

NP: Aimi...

AM: But I...

NP: Aimi donít say anything because no matter what your challenge would have been, I would have given it you after the things heís been saying about the chairman. So Aimi you have a point because Iím... because ah the chairman occasionally can use ah um the unique situation that heís in, and he can overrule it and say Aimi Macdonald has a point and there are 35 seconds on my lot starting now.

AM: There are bushes and trees, a garage, some earth, a summer house, a little crazy paving path...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud came in first.

CF: And a long pause.

NP: Yes but er she didnít say anything about that, she just did it. So you have 25 seconds on my lot Clement starting now.

CF: In Australia where I was once privileged to visit and travel from Perth to Sydney, my lot was incredible. Because the entire Antipodean people took against me, right from my first encounter...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.

AM: Heís always putting himself down. Have you noticed?

NP: Yes I have. Actually he was putting me down last time. I have noticed that as well. So what is your challenge Aimi?

AM: Well I just think itís sad!

NP: Give Aimi Macdonald a point because I do think that itís very sad that he puts the chairman down as well as he...

KW: Youíre handing round points like a man with no arms, you are! Itís ludicrous! You want to stick to the game! Heís gone red! Look at his face! Heís gone red! He knew he was doing wrong! We should have had blushing before, shouldnít we!

NP: I am, Iím allowed...

KW: Yes heís gone red! Look at him! Blushing like mad!

NP: If I was to sigh, to do the same to you... people have you noticed? Youíve just got to go up to somebody and say ďyouíre blushing you know, oh look, youíre blushingĒ and they do. All the audience is... Clement Freud youíre not blushing, because you canít...

CF: Because I donít have any points!

NP: You have seven seconds for an incorrect... I mean you have an incorrect challenge, a point, and seven seconds on my lot starting now.

CF: Last week I took my lot to the bank and asked for a receipt. At which the manager was exceedingly annoyed and asked ďhow dare you demand any...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, heís increased his er position behind Peter Jones whoís still in the lead.

CF: Increased my position?

NP: Yes youíve increased your position...

KW: No, look, weíre all friends! No look!

NP: I know we are!

KW: Oh no! Let no discord mar the harmony of this gathering! Oh Iím full of joy and all these lovely, no, thereís no malignity, no, I assure you...

PJ: I think youíre doing a great job, Nicholas! I still am in the lead, arenít I?

NP: Peter youíre definitely in the lead and after Kennethís last remarks, the next subject could not be more apt. It is cheek.

PJ: Ah!

NP: And we get plenty of that on this programme so Peter will you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Not an easy word to define. Perhaps it would be better to think of an example. Itís exemplified really by the fly crawling up the leg of the elephant intent on rape!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Now this is an arrogant situation for an insect to be in! Because ah (collapses in laughter)

BUZZ

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

NP: Oh! Iíve never known a thought take so long to penetrate an audience! It took them as long as it took the fly to climb up the leg of the elephant! But during that long pause Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Well I thought he...

NP: Hesitated! Yes he did! He more than hesitated and well he might! Kenneth I agree with your challenge, you have 31 seconds on cheek starting now.

KW: Well itís exemplified when somebody interrupts me in the middle of the flow! I have what is known as, I have what is known as...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?

CF: Repetition of I have what is known as.

KW: Well I had to, because the laugh drowned it, you see.

NP: I know but the trouble is...

AM: Excuse me, I challenged as well. Weíre not getting mixed up are we?

KW: You keep on doing it wrong, dear!

NP: Aimi thereís one thing I can say with certainty. We could never mix you up with Clement Freud!

AM: Oh!

PJ: They are very quiet. I can hardly hear them. I canít hear his buzzer...

AM: At least I heard mine!

BUZZ

PJ: And the lighting isnít too good. Iíve only got your word for it theyíre over there!

NP: Aimi Macdonald and Peter Jones press with more strength. Clement can you pass more strongly just to show that you can make a noise?

BUZZ

NP: Thank you.

AM: You see, I didnít hear that the last time.

NP: No, will you please do that in future to help not only the listeners but also Aimi Macdonald and Peter Jones, because they canít see you, youíre so far away. And what was the challenge? Oh yes, I have to give it to you, Iím afraid. You must try and keep going even if youíve entertained them well Kenneth.

KW: I appreciate that Nicholas.

NP: Oh you are sweet! Clement you have a point, you have 20 seconds on cheek starting now.

CF: Midway between my chin and the right-hand side of my forehead you are very likely to find the centre of my cheek...

BUZZ

NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged, why?

AM: Well he er, heís talking like heís only got one cheek.

NP: (laughs) He sometimes looks as though heís only got one cheek as well! But Iím afraid he has got two cheeks, and even if he only had one cheek, as long as heís talking about cheek, heís not deviating from the subject on the card. So he has another point and he has 12 seconds to keep going on cheek starting now.

CF: To go up to the Prime Minister and accuse him of spending the Government money on purchasing small boats which he doesnít sail particularly well would be...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Oh Iím sorry! I thought, I thought, I didnít realise what he was going to say. After that I realised he was qualifying it. I was going to say itís a disgrace to say such a thing but of course I didnít realise he was qualifying it. So I withdraw the challenge.

NP: I donít even know what challenge youíre withdrawing!

KW: Oh well good!

NP: But the awful thing is Kenneth this is the last round, Iíve just been informed, because we have no more time. There are two seconds to go and if Clement Freud gets any more points, heíll win! I donít want him to win this week!

KW: Well Iím sorry, it was an incorrect challenge!

NP: Well I have to give him a point then, and he keeps going for two seconds on cheek starting now.

CF: Cheek of a very high order...

WHISTLE

NP: And as I said we have no more time to play Just A Minute. So let me give you the final score at the end of the show this week. And Aimi Macdonald finished in fourth place, she was blushing a little but she did very well and we loved having you with us, Aimi, again. Kenneth you did not quite so well, you were in third place, a little ahead of Aimi. But we always enjoy having you with us. And Peter Jones, itís a great joy to have you with us as well...

KW: Mmmm itís a joy to have everyone on this, isnít it! Mmmm!

NP: You were, you were in second place when at one time you looked to be our certain winner. But the last challenge put Clement Freud into the lead and our winner is Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.