WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 February 1973)
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome back Aimi Macdonald, and once again she’s going to try and pit her wits against our three regular and experienced male players of the game. And once again I’m going them to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you talk on gross impertinence. Kenneth can you talk to us on gross impertinence, I should hop, think you can anyway for 60 seconds starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: A good example of this resulted in a gentleman being exiled from court when he said, obviously referring to the Prince Regent, to someone else, extremely loudly, “who’s your fat friend?” And it has been applicable to myself! I had the most apowwwwwwling impertinence paid to me, or the dignity of my persona, perhaps I should say, depending on your proclivities, of course. And I’ve had pandiculation all over me! I’ve had the most apowwwwwling prognosis including...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.
PETER JONES: Repetition of apowling!
NP: Yes! You got apowled more than once in this round! Some people are appalled but you’re just apowled! Peter I agree with your challenge, you have a point, you have 21 seconds on gross impertinence starting now.
PJ: Well these two words always seem to come together, so they form a cliché of course, like diabolical liberty or filthy swine. You very rarely hear them separately. Now the... what are we talking about? The...
PJ: Is it the filthy swine or the other thing? I’ve forgotten really.
NP: Clement Freud challenged first.
CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.
CF: He was no longer talking about gross impertinence.
NP: Yes! Seeing as he admitted himself he didn’t know what he was talking about.
CF: He was not talking about the subject on the card.
NP: You do see...
PJ: That’s right, gross impertinence.
NP: If you go with sufficient confidence sometimes, you can kid the others on that you’re on the subject. Clement you got in there first, you have five and a half seconds on gross impertinence starting now.
CF: A fine example of this was when a waiter raced up in the House of Commons to the Prime Minister and said...
NP: We will never know what that waiter said to the Prime Minister in the House of Commons, because Ian Messiter blew the whistle telling us 60 seconds are up. Clement Freud got the point for speaking at that moment. And Peter will you begin the next round, the subject is fortitude. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
PJ: well this is a wonderful quality of forbearance and patience, which with any luck comes to one in middle life when one is about 40, appropriately enough. And if you have the good fortune to hold on to it for 10 years, it becomes fiftitude! Now this is something that we in England are particularly rich...
NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged.
AIMI MACDONALD: Deviation, I don’t believe that.
NP: Of fiftitude?
NP: Yes I quite agree.
AM: It’s not what we’re talking about, is it?
NP: We’re talking about fortitude.
NP: And anyway fiftitude is devious anyway.
NP: There isn’t such a word.
NP: Even if you try to coin it. Aimi you have a point, and you have 36 seconds on fortitude starting now.
AM: Fortitude has absolutely nothing to do with being 40. It actually means having great strength of one sort or another by something to something else...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged. Why?
AM: No, I didn’t hear him buzz then.
CF: Repetition of something.
NP: Yes, will you press your buzzer a little harder because I know the listeners like to hear as well as Aimi Macdonald.
AM: It’s terribly difficult! One over there doesn’t talk loud enough and the other one doesn’t buzz loud enough! It’s terribly difficult for us!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: It makes it terribly difficult!
PJ: It is an unfair advantage! Yes!
NP: Very unfair! Very unfair! So...
PJ: They look so alike, don’t they Aimi!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Clement Freud you have a point and you have 22 seconds on fortitude starting now.
CF: Perhaps the most stirring episode of fortitude in British history was epitomised when a young sea cadet called William Carruthers Fortitude lay on the poop deck of HMS Victory shortly before a naval battle...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: It’s rubbish! Nothing of the kind!
NP: You don’t believe it...
PJ: Not a word of it!
PJ: I can recite all the people that were on the Victory on that occasion!
KW: Ah you great name-dropping know-all!
LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: We have to use...
KW: I only remember Hardy’s bit, because he said “kiss me” to him, didn’t he. I always remember that bit!
KW: I think that’s nice!
LAUGHTER FROM AM AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: Oh we’re so happy about that Kenneth! Right so Peter you have five seconds on fortitude starting now.
PJ: Dunkirk, that was the occasion on which this wonderful spirit was displayed...
NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point and he’s equal in the lead with Clement Freud at the end of that round. And Aimi Macdonald will you begin the next round, what I really enjoy. Would you talk to us about that for 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Oh actually there are so many things I really enjoy. I could go on listing them for about oh 132 seconds if you like. But I won’t, I’ll cut them down to the few things I really do enjoy. The first thing mostly is to relax. I love to have the feeling of having worked very very hard, come down and have absolutely nothing to do. And I sit in my great armchair and I think what can I do now. And I sit there and I say “oh I’ve got so much time on my hands, I can do absolutely anything”. I could ring up a friend and say “come over to tea”. Or I could rung up somebody else and say “why don’t we go out and about?” And then...
AM: ... I could go...
NP: Go on!
PJ: Well she made two phone calls there!
NP: And as she’s already told us how much she does, and nobody’s challenged her up to now, I’m going to let her continue for another 19 seconds and...
PJ: We’re going to be penalised because we were generous in the first place, are we?
PJ: I see! Is this your attitude? You’re just drunk with power again! Eating meat or something!
NP: And I, and I am at liberty to exercise it in any...
KW: You were doing all that stuff last time about giving her a point, ain’t she lovely! Now you’re hoist with your own petard mate!
NP: Aimi Macdonald I’m giving you a point because they’ve been generous up to now and I want them to be generous for the rest of this round.
AM: Thank you.
NP: You have 19 seconds on what I really enjoy starting now.
AM: Something I really do enjoy is ice skating. I put on my little white boots, I slip on to the ice, and off I go, with the cold air...
AM: Wait a minute!
PJ: Get your skates on!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: She didn’t...
AM: I didn’t do anything that time...
NP: Yes you see you slip on your little white boots but you didn’t put on your skates! Aimi, Aimi, it’s all right...
AM: Oh thank you.
NP: You said you slipped on the ice, so obviously if you hadn’t got your skates on, you would slip on the ice, that’s right! So you have 10 seconds on what I really enjoy starting now.
AM: So I get up and I crawl back off and put on my skates. Then I do a great skip and a jump and I’m back on again, you see. And off I go...
NP: Well Aimi Macdonald skipped and jumped and did lots of things in that round with the er, with the er, with the restraint of the other members, or two of the other members of the panel, and with of course the help of the chairman. She gained a number of points, Aimi Macdonald you have taken the lead at the end of that round!
AM: Oh! (laughs)
NP: Right the next subject is with Clement Freud, how I get on. You heard Aimi Macdonald telling us how she gets on on ice, we’re now going to hear from Clement Freud on something else with 60 seconds starting now.
CF: The answer to this would be substantially different where it refers to a horse, a bicycle, or a bike motorised or mechanised. Now in its equestrian sense, how I get on is to engage my left Jodhpur boot in the iron, and swing the rest of my body over the animal in question, engaging...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Very boring, innit! Dreary rubbish! Swing myself over this bloomin’ horse! Dreary!
NP: Terribly boring, but it wasn’t deviating from the subject on the card. So I’m afraid, Kenneth, he gets another point and he has 36 seconds on how I get on starting now.
CF: One of the favourite subjects at school of my son is to write an essay headed “how I get on with people”. And as he doesn’t terribly well, the articles in question are short to put it mildly. In fact a word, possibly two, even a phrase but never, never...
NP: Aimi Macdonald you pressed first.
NP: Yes. We were giggling then because Aimi Macdonald was so delighted to get in, she wriggled her buzzer! And with Aimi, nobody can wriggle a buzzer like Aimi Macdonald! Aimi you have the subject and you have 15 seconds on how I get on starting now.
AM: I do need a little help, but that doesn’t matter. I sit down first, then I put both feet in the little things that you slide your feet under. And then the boat starts up, you see. And it pulls you...
NP: And with any luck then she’d be up on her skis, no doubt that was what she was going to tell us Aimi.
NP: You surged forward and you’re in the lead, Clement Freud one point behind in second place, Peter Jones one behind in third place. Kenneth Williams is two or three points behind in fourth place. But Kenneth we’re going to hear from you now on the subject of Isaac Newton. Would you talk to us about him for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: (drawing out words) Well of course everyone connects him with invariably the theory of gravity. But I think of the line, the marble index...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: I think he’s on at the wrong speed!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM CF, AM AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: Very unfair challenge!
AM: Oh no, I second that, I agree.
NP: I’d be careful, he’ll start buzzing you at the slightest hesitation if you start doing that sort of thing Aimi. No it was an ungallant challenge. He was doing, it might have been the wrong speed but it was a good speech for Isaac Newton! And you have er 47, no, 48 seconds on Isaac Newton starting now.
KW: (even slower) He is buried in Westminster Abbey. But the bust in Trinity has...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why?
CF: He has no bust!
LAUGHTER FROM PJ, AM AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: All right... what’s that?
CF: He might have had a chest!
NP: All right, what we do sometimes is when people give a clever challenge which gives us entertainment but obviously has got nothing to do with the subject, we give them a point for that but leave the subject with the person speaking which is Kenneth Williams and say you have 42 seconds, Kenneth, Isaac Newton starting now.
KW: (even slower again) Underneath there’s the wonderful words written by Wordsworth, the marble index of a mind forever voyaging the great seas of thought below...
NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you, why?
KW: You don’t know nothing about Wordsworth! It’s a disgrace!
NP: You don’t know what...
KW: They should never have had women on this show, should they?
NP: We’ll send you back to King’s Cross if you’re not careful!
KW: What’s her challenge?
NP: We don’t know yet, you haven’t given her chance to speak! Aimi what is your challenge?
AM: Apart from I think he’s cheeky, first of all.
NP: Yes, we know that.
NP: And gross impertinence.
AM: The other one was I think he’s cheating.
AM: Because he said everything so slowly and, you see, it takes him 30 seconds...
NP: You mean...
AM: Do you know what I mean?
NP: Yes I do...
AM: It means he can say more...
NP: He says in 60 seconds what most people say in 30, yes. What do I do? I can only on an occasion like this, bow to the superior judgement and wisdom of our delightful audience in the studio here. God, they’ve gone quiet at the thought of that! Ladies and gentlemen, if you consider that Aimi’s challenge which in essence means that he was going so slowly it could be called hesitation, you will boo. And if you think it was an incorrect challenge and you feel that Kenneth was not hesitating with his slowness, then you cheer. And will you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Thank you! A real gutsy response!
KW: Lovely house! Lovely people! Really nice people! I always think you get nice people with the BBC!
NP: Yes! Kenneth’s got it, the cheers were for him, so he has the subject still, 25 seconds, Isaac Newton starting now.
KW: But Mister Isaac Newton in Longacre is another kettle of fish entirely. Now he specialises in rare first editions and I went along there once. And I said “you wouldn’t have anything on old Hassett, would you?” And he said “as a matter of fact, funny you should mention that, I’ve got one here in the holograph edition as it’s known”. I said “good gracious!” Actually nobody’s spotted that I said edition twice...
KW: Who was it?
NP: (laughs) Clement Freud has spotted it.
CF: He repeated edition three times!
NP: Yes! I can still only give you one point Clement I’m afraid. But you have three seconds on Isaac Newton starting now.
CF: Isaac Newton starting now has...
NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point, and he’s moved into the lead now ahead of Aimi Macdonald who’s in second place, Peter Jones in third, Kenneth Williams still in fourth. And Peter Jones will you begin the next round. The subject, very aptly after having heard from them so magnificently and so vociferously, the subject is this studio audience. Would you talk about this studio audience for 60 seconds... and they’re all bushing and they’re getting very uncomfortable, and a lot of them are wriggling about in their seats. Because we’re all looking at them with great intensity, Peter will you start now.
PJ: What a happy laughing crowd they are! And such a good looking bunch. I can only see...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
LAUGHTER FROM NP, AM AND THE AUDIENCE
CF: Look at them!
NP: Clement I would disagree with you!
KW: Oh we know you would! You’re sucking up all the time! Yes!
NP: Well you can, you’re one to talk! I would disagree with you only for the fact that they’re a delightful audience. I would disagree with you because I think it is a very devious thought, even to bring it up in the middle of the show. And Peter Jones of course got a point, and 55 seconds on this studio audience starting now.
PJ: I think they’re very cheerful and must have a wonderful spirit because they’ve been queuing outside for a very long time. And if I were in charge of the BBC, I should arrange for them to wait indoors and be served champagne...
CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Just a minute! Sorry Peter, sorry, you were challenged during that cheer. Well you challenged yourself!
PJ: Well I didn’t want anybody else to press their buzzer!
NP: Well that’s a clever way! All right Peter, what was your challenge? Hesitation? I quite agree! You have another point! You have 36 seconds on this studio audience starting now.
PJ: And there in the foyer I would have someone playing a piano, playing tunes of the day...
NP: Peter, Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of playing.
NP: Yes they were doing too much playing, sorry. Yes, Clement I agree with that challenge, you have now 30 seconds on this studio audience starting now.
CF: This studio audience seems to me pretty much like most audiences that we get in this theatre...
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, it’s totally unlike any audience we’ve ever had before in our lives! They’re all so individual and immensely different! Oh so delightful! I’ve never met anyone like them in my life! Never!
NP: So um Kenneth you have a point and 25 seconds on this studio audience starting now.
KW: One member of this particular studio audience said to me “I’m sorry I’m nearly late, I had to give a wee man a bowl of milk before I arrived. Nearly forgot, but just managed, left the bus ticket on the mantle shelf, never had the right fare for the conductor, little altercation a tad...”
NP: Clement Freud challenged you.
NP: Yes but why you didn’t keep going?
KW: I was going to say bus again but then I realised I’d said it.
NP: I know but you might have got away with it. You’ve got away with so much in your life, you might have got away with that!
KW: Oh I’m a fool to myself, I am!
NP: Ah Kement got in... Kement? Clement got in, very clever there, with only one second, or even half a second to go, this studio audience Clement starting now.
CF: Hard of hearing and Serbo-Croat...
NP: Well Clement Freud gained yet another point for speaking as the whistle went, he’s increased his lead at the end of that round. Aimi Macdonald we’d like you to begin now. The subject is now I’ve grown up. Would you talk to us about that... you are grown up, aren’t you?
AM: Yes, yes thank you.
NP: Oh good, now I’m grown up, Aimi, 60 seconds starting now.
AM: Now I’ve grown up, I often look back on some of my earliest memories which I think is quite fun really if you ever do that sort of thing. And one which is rather sad was, I remember delivering some rolls to my grandmother who lived up the road. And I had this tricycle, you see. And I used to go collecting these rolls on my tricycle...
AM: Oh I’m sorry, I said it twice! Can I say it again?
NP: Yes say it again.
AM: Can I do it again, I mean?
NP: Yeah, do it again, but you won’t get the subject back.
NP: So let’s give a point to Kenneth Williams for a correct challenge because we all know you repeated rolls. Kenneth you have 36 seconds on now I’m grown up starting now.
KW: Now that I’m grown up I realise the error of my past ways. And would that I could call back yesterday and put right those foolish misdemeanours of an undeveloped mind. And say I didn’t really mean to do it, but unfortunately it slipped out. Before I knew where I was, this had occurred. No-one can gainsay...
NP: Well the audience was as delighted as anybody else that Kenneth kept going until the whistle went, gained an extra point, he’s still in fourth place...
KW: Of course some people think I talk too slow, you see!
NP: I know, we all think you sometimes talk too slow.
KW: There’s nothing in the game about speed. It doesn’t say you’ve got to rush about, oh no!
NP: All right, so Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is my appeal. When does it come out by the way? Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well i think to really give way to this kind of subject would be practically the equivalent of self-indulgence. And that would be a disgrace. So I will do nothing of the kind. I will say my appeal lies in many directions including...
GASPS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Clement Freud very silently challenged you then.
NP: No, actually during that pause, he was saying “yeeeeesss” to the audience.
PJ: It was more a sort of self-congratulation than anything...
NP: But once before, we’ve established this. We said when he goes slowly and nobody challenges him for speaking slowly...
AM: Oh yes!
NP: And I gave against him, he was speaking very slowly then when he said yes...
AM: Exactly! That’s right!
NP: And I didn’t give it against him before because nobody wanted me to, so I cannot now give it against him now. So he has 37 seconds to continue on my appeal starting now.
KW: Well it’s largely the result of people...
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Deviation, he’s suddenly going very quickly!
NP: And we’ve already established you can go at any speed you like, providing you keep going and don’t hesitate or pause or, or... repeat or deviate. Thirty-five seconds on my appeal Kenneth starting now.
KW: And these girls say “oooooohhh, when you wear those tight trousers and come on, oh it really gets us going! Oooohhh honestly...”
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of ooooohh!
NP: Yes, I don’t think they... Even if they are really saying it, I don’t think they...
KW: Well it’s the triple effect of my appeal!
NP: This time I must give it against you Kenneth. Clement Freud has a point, he has 19 seconds on my appeal starting now.
CF: My appeal was rejected in the Coroner’s Court, because they said I ought to go to a magistrate, as the previous legal gentleman was only empowered to deal with death or treasure trove. I therefore called a nearby policeman and said “this is my appeal, I am totally innocent”. At the time I was in Tunbridge Wells some...
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Hesitation. He hesitated before he said Tunbridge Wells because he couldn’t think of anything.
KW: So would anybody if they’re going to say Tunbridge Wells, mate!
NP: I think, Peter, when Aimi challenged you, you were slightly hesitant but I thought not enough to give it against you. And I would say the same here with Clement, not enough for a real hesitation. Three seconds left, Clement, my appeal starting now.
CF: I can give you the name of 19 people who saw me at 4.15...
NP: I’m awfully sorry to have to tell you we have no more time to play Just A Minute. I said very sadly because we enjoy playing it, we hope as much as you enjoy listening to it. Let me give you the score by the way at the end of that round. It was um Peter Jones just in fourth place. Aimi Macdonald finished in third place because Kenneth Williams overtook her just in the last round to go into second place. But once again our winner is Clement Freud! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.