WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring KIT HESKETH-HARVEY, TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON and JEREMY HARDY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 4 August 1995)
NOTE: Kit Hesketh-Harvey's last television appearance, Jeremy Hardy's last television appearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, hello, yes, thank you, thank you, hello and welcome to Just A Minute for another dazzling display of verbal gymnastics from my multitalented guests. On my left, the captain of the London team as usual. The Olga Corbett of television game shows, the lithe and lovely Tony Slattery!
TONY SLATTERY: And with me I have the stand-up comedian whose act has been described as gentle and self-deprecating. Off-stage of course he is an axe murderer and a disciple of Charles Manson. He is the fantastic Jeremy Hardy!
NP: On my right, the other regular player of the game, the captain of the Midlands team. Heís been on Surprise Surprise, The Upper Hand, Celebrity Squares and Anything For Money, which is why heís here today! The devastating Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: Thank you Nicholas, hello, and with me I have a writer of songs, screen plays and West End musicals. Heís perhaps best known as the Kit part of Kit And The Widow, but weíve got him fully assembled today. Please welcome Kit Hesketh-Harvey!
NP: Yes well those are the four intrepid players of the game this week. And as usual Iím going to ask them to speak on a subject that I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from that subject. They will gain points for themselves, and most importantly win points for their team. Because it is the Midlands against London. Who will triumph this week? Stay tuned, here we go. Dale Winton, would you begin, the Midlands fires off first, and the subject is the glamour of Solihull! Try and go on that one if you possibly can, 60 seconds starting now.
DW: You approach Solihull from the Motorway. And the first thing you see is the magnificent shopping centre. And that is known as the glamour of Solihull. Itís often described as the gem in their crown. The glamour of Solihull can also be attributed to the beautiful ladies who shop there. With their very elegant Swaniee evening gowns which they buy to go to their Birmingham dinners, because weíre from the Midlands, and that is what this is all about. I have never... worn one of these...
TS: It was wonderful, I think there was a hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation, yes.
DW: It was utter nonsense!
TS: No it wasnít!
NP: I know but what delightful nonsense! Thirty-four seconds, the glamour of Solihull with you Tony starting now.
TS: Iím in absolute agreement with Dale. The number of spangly boob tubes you can see in and around the Solihull area. Often with rainbow coloured leg-warmers and slingbacks. No court flats, because itís a fashionable time in Solihull. Come to Solihull, Venice of the Midlands! Yes, no canals but plenty of spangly lurex...
DW: Weíve had spangly.
NP: You were a bit spangly before, yes.
TS: Yes, a lot of it there.
NP: A lot of it there, yes. The glamour of Solihull is back with Dale Winton, 11 seconds starting now.
DW: If you travel from London to Solihull, the other thing to see is not the shopping centre but...
TS: Repetition of shopping centre.
NP: Two shopping centres.
DW: Oh youíre right, Iím no good at this, am I!
TS: You are, youíre lovely.
NP: Youíre very good. Six seconds, back with you Tony, the glamour of Solihull starting now.
NP: Oh it doesnít half trip them up, the glamour of Solihull. Right Kit, you got in with five seconds to go, the glamour of Solihull starting now.
KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: There are those who rave about Edgbaston, that leafy suburb to the south of Birmingham. But to me Solihull epitomises glamour in all its forms...
NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, which I press therefore, gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Heís in the lead at the end of the round. Jeremy Hardy, your turn to begin, the subject, drawing the short straw. Can you tell us something about it in Just A Minute starting now.
JEREMY HARDY: I was once marooned on a desert island. There were three of us, and after four days, and very little in the way of a buffet, it became apparent that we were going to have to eat each otherís severed calves. Therefore we cut up some straws which we had taken out of some fizzy drinks. Then we realised we could have drunk said beverages and therefore saved our lives with the sugar contained within. However we cut these er...
NP: Yes, 33 seconds left...
KHH: That was very Vincent Tarantino-ish.
NP: No, no, that was great. Ah Kit correct challenge, drawing the short straw, 33 seconds starting now.
KHH: I find if I lay out my easel, my little pot of paint, my charcoal, my...
TS: Quite a few mys there.
KHH: My my my my my.
NP: My my, we let one or two ago...
NP: But my my my my means repetition, 30 seconds for you Tony, drawing the short straw starting now.
TS: I shared the desert island with Jeremy. I drew the short straw and that meant I was the one who had to dress up as a woman! The palm leaves with which I adorned myself because I had chosen the short straw were lovely. Jeremy found me very...
JH: Repetition of me.
NP: I know but...
KHH: I flashed.
JH: Yeah but Iím better looking!
NP: Iím afraid we love the line, but Kit your light came on first. Yes repetition of Jeremy. Right, 16 seconds, drawing the short straw Kit starting now.
KHH: Jeremy when he posed for live model work when I was doing some drawing was absolutely glorious. However the short straw with which I... gazed...
NP: That was a hesitation, yes. Eight seconds, Tony, drawing the short straw starting now.
TS: Back to my lovely honeymoon with...
DW: No, lovely, he said he had the lovely outfit on.
NP: Yes you had the lovely outfit before.
TS: Yes I did.
DW: Iím sure you were but...
NP: The Midlands are on form today, arenít they, yes.
DW: I donít know, Iíve not started yet. How many seconds are left?
NP: Youíve got six seconds, thatís all. You can keep going on that, drawing the short straw starting now.
DW: I always draw the strort staw... (burst into laughter)
DW: Who buzzed?
NP: Oh itís a tough game, Tony got in first, yes?
TS: That was hesitation.
NP: Yes it was indeed, four seconds Tony on the straws starting now.
NP: Yes itís a difficult one! Winton! Dale?
DW: Sorry I shouldnít be gloating, should I?
NP: Why not?
DW: Do I get a point?
NP: Yes you get a point, you have the subject, three seconds to go now.
DW: Those little cartons of drinks that you can buy often have a straw at the side...
NP: So Dale Winton speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And Kit Hesketh-Harvey, itís your turn to begin, changing at Crewe. Can you tell us something about that and you can change in any way you wish but take it, the subject, 60 seconds starting now.
KHH: One canít change at Crewe in the way that one can at Bangkok or Singapore. But I find that if one slips into the gentlemanís lavatory and perhaps takes off shoes, boots, socks, suspenders...
NP: No I think he was keeping going. If that was a hesitation, then we really canít move at all. I wonít grant that one, no. Benefit of the doubt to Kit, another point to you, 50 seconds, changing at Crewe Kit starting now.
KHH: And put on a very simple little frilly blouse perhaps, and a cameo brooch perhaps just to offset it. And then head off on a northern train to places that probably...
NP: That was a hesitation yes. Forty-three seconds...
TS: That was a hesitation, but the one before wasnít? Just want to clear that up.
NP: Yes the one before wasnít Tony, no no.
NP: Right, 43 seconds with you Jeremy, changing at Crewe starting now.
JH: When there are engineering works on the Sunday, one must change at Crewe and get the special connecting rubber dinghy service to Doncaster. From where a hot air balloon carries you over the mountain. And you are met by a shepherd who guides you to the Swiss border. On arrival in Prague, you are met by a fat man in a blue fez who says it is cheaper to travel on the blue saver days...
DW: Oh I had to, there were two blues there.
NP: Two blues.
KHH: Far too blue.
DW: And it was utter nonsense. I did like it.
NP: It was lovely wasnít it. Gorgeous nonsense. Right Dale, a correct challenge, repetition of blue, 21 seconds left starting now.
DW: Jeremy Hardy made a marvellous speech there but he was incorrect. You donít change at Crewe to go to Doncaster. You might well meet a shepherd but I donít think so. I changed at Crewe, oh, two weeks ago, on my way south, hopefully stopping at Sutton Coalfield on the way down to Derby...
JH: Itís impossible to be hopeful at stopping in Sutton Coalfield!
LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE
DW: Thatís not fair!
NP: Well no, no, no, no, Dale, Iíll tell you what we do on that occasion. Because no, it was such a nice challenge, we give you a bonus point for a nice challenge. But as he didnít break any of the rules of Just A Minute, you get a point for being interrupted Dale. And you keep the subject, changing at Crewe, seven seconds starting now.
DW: Getting back to Crewe, the sandwich shop is wonderful there. Iíve eaten there many times. In fact I do enjoy their smoked salmon, their tuna fish and...
NP: Dale Winton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And he and his partner, Kit Hesketh-Harvey are taking the Midlands into a strong lead over London. Now weíre going to do something slightly different. Instead of me offering them a subject on which to speak Iím going to offer them an object. Those black segments will part...
KHH: Oh no!
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: And out from the bowels...
KHH: Oh my God!
NP: Well there it is, thatís the object. Itís Jeremy Hardyís turn to begin. What they have to do now is to speak about this object, identify it if they can. They have 60 seconds as usual and they have to speak of course without hesitating, repetition or deviation. Jeremy there it is, speak on it, 60 seconds starting now.
JH: I have brought this object along to be valued. It has been in my family for thousands of years. I am not interested in the money, I am purely interested in valuing it...
TS: Repetition of interested.
NP: Yeah, too interested, yes, right. Tony you got in, you neednít look like that, because your team gets a point. Tony, 51 seconds, thereís the object, talk on it please, 51 seconds starting now.
TS: This figurine epitomises the glamour of the Midlands. It is known as the silly old twit of Birmingham. What a interesting...
DW: What a interesting?
KHH: Iím sorry, they canít even speak down south!
NP: No! Right, deviation from grammar as we understand it and as it is usually spoken. Right Dale, you have another point there, thereís the object, tell us something about that object starting, 42 seconds by the way, starting now.
DW: Curiously enough this was given to the London team to begin with, ie Jeremy. But in actual fact, let me tell you this is known as the Nottingham Cobbler. I hope Iím right because heís actually working on a shoe as...
TS: Repetition of actually.
NP: Two actuallys.
DW: Was I accurate with that?
NP: Yes. And there are 33 seconds for Tony, you take back the subject, the object sorry, starting now.
TS: This is something I stole from my friendís house. This is a confession...
NP: Hesitation, right. Thereís the object, 26 seconds starting now.
DW: He looks quite bored. I think itís because heís been sitting there a great deal of time. Itís early Capper de Montay Midlands style and very beautiful it is. Underneath the man you can see a dog which is quite classic when referring to the aforesaid er...
KHH: I thought Iíd rescue him before Tony did.
DW: Thank you.
NP: What was, whatís your challenge?
NP: Oh yes I agree with that. I have to know in cas itís a different challenge. But youíre helping yourself and the team. So thatís 11 seconds for you to tell us something about the object starting now.
KHH: The aquiline nose, the nobly arched eyebrow, and the pervy little commando hat. Yes it is Nicholas Parsons in an early existence, ladies and gentlemen. The resemblance is astonishing and overwhelming. Modelled by the great Michelangelo somewhere way back in the quaint, he probably...
NP: Yes! What I will do now, I am going to offer a bonus point to anyone who can actually identify what it is.
JH: Itís a man whoís made a jump suit out of the Irish Tricolour.
TS: Is it Gareth Hunt?
NP: No! Itís not modelled on anybody. Dale was very close. Dale you can get...
KHH: Itís a Staffordshire figurine.
NP: Itís a Staffordshire cobbler. You thought it was Nottinghamshire, itís actually Staffordshire. Another point to Kit Hesketh-Harvey...
DW: Oh great! I knew it was something...
NP: For correct identification, a Staffordshire cobbler. Well weíve reached the halfway mark in our contests and...
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
NP: ... good-bye Staffordshire, back to the cobbling, there we are! Well for once, the Midlands are in a commanding lead. They are no less than 12 points ahead of the London team! Oh! And after that exciting first half, I need to go and lie down for a little. So while, do hang on, join us after the break because youíll see us after this.
NP: Thank you, welcome back to Just A Minute. Let us unsheaf our machetes and carve a trail into the next round. Um Tony Slattery, it is your turn to begin. The subject is dead on time. Take it any way you wish, but start talking on it, starting now.
TS: I was dead on time arriving at the studio today, and indeed I am not alive. And thatís why Iím talking in a monotone. There is a small battery operated food mixer within me. Dead on time is punctuality really, and not to be dead on time is rude. And English people are notorious at unpunctuality. Now the foreigners on the other hand, dirty Spaniards, I spit on them! Letís just say in terms of Entente Cordiale, they are never dead on time. You invite them to dinner, they turn up three years later! Whatís the point? The foodís gone off, the coffeeís cold, and many of the relatives have died. So all in all, if you are not prepared...
NP: All in all.
KHH: All in all, yes, Iím sorry.
TS: Oh God! All in all! Oh!
NP: And you kept going magnificently for 48 seconds. Oh I think that deserves a round of applause! Yes! Many devious thoughts but they enjoyed it so much they didnít challenge. But all in all he couldnít let go and you have got another point there Kit, 12 seconds, dead on time starting now.
KHH: Adolf Hitler, I suppose, was dead in the nick of time. If he hadnít died when he had there would have been trouble. But Cardinal Wolsey, hero of the little read play by the great bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, was the one who was most dead on time. As he travelled to...
NP: No, no, the whistle went before your buzzer. Kit once again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, he has got a commanding lead at the end of that round. Dale Winton your turn to begin as well, refereeing a football match. Have you ever done it by the way?
DW: What would I know about refereeing a football match?
NP: I donít know but this is the whole point of Just A Minute. Try and talk on the subject, 60 seconds starting now.
DW: Iíve often seen men refereeing a football match, or one in particular. He runs up and down in his shorts, and a loud whistle, which he seems to blow when members of the audience, if you can call them that, I guess theyíre supporters, they go ďwhoa! Out!Ē in the crowd. And they repeat that because they usually do it twice and then wave these funny things at the referee and usually shout obscenities at him when he gives a decision. I can never understand what itís all about! Because as the man kicks the ball, another person has an argument with him and the man blows the whistle and...
KHH: There were two men, man, man, man.
DW: How could you let me go on for so long?
NP: Because we love seeing you suffer! isnít it wicked!
DW: That was, that was suffering!
NP: Oh well you did very very well. And Kit, your partner, got another point because he got a correct challenge, 31 seconds, refereeing a football match Kit, starting now.
KHH: Not as successfully refereed ever as Just A Minute is, by the estimable and I must say rather beautiful Nicholas Parsons....
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Do you seriously think Iím going to allow that challenge?
TS: Whatever you do, whatever gives you more pleasure, itís okay with me!
NP: Heís wicked isnít he! I disagree with the challenge entirely. Right, Kit you have another point, 25 seconds, refereeing a football match starting now.
KHH: The main task of course is to get oranges and to chop them with a serrated knife into neat little segments and hand them out to the team, 22 in all. As they sit there sweating and heaving and panting at the difficult part of the match...
DW: Getting a bit excited there, werenít we?
NP: But you had him for hesitation. Dale, 12 seconds, refereeing a football match starting now.
DW: Maybe Iíve got this wrong because I used to think that refereeing a football match was all about running up and down with a flag...
TS: Thatís a repetition of running up and down, you had that before.
NP: Running up and down.
DW: Was I running before?
NP: You were before, thatís the linesman for your information.
NP: Right, seven seconds for you Tony, refereeing a football match starting now.
TS: Letís cut to the shower scene, yes! The refereeís in there and...
NP: Right so Tony Slattery was then speaking from the whistle went, in fact I think the whistle saved us all from something which could have got rather downmarket. Kit would you take the next round, the subject is tongue twisters, you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.
KHH: Around the rugged rocks, the ragged rascals ran, in their red lorries, their yellow vehicles of the same description. And other such tongue twisters are what we do behind the scenes of this glittering programme before we come on before you tonight, ladies and gentlemen...
TS: Repetition of before.
NP: Before we come on before you, yes. Tony Slattery, tongue twisters, 44 seconds starting now.
TS: Peter Piper picked a peck of some strange substance and was then jailed. He understandably was very tongue tied in prison because of the illicit substance which he had ingested. It was in fact blancmange and of a special sort only seen in Mexico where the vast Aztec tribes also indulge in tongue twisters. One such is in the old Inca language of matoorah and it goes something like this. Weebly-ta-hahoe-ah...
KHH: Repetition of ah ha.
NP: Yes! So Kit, repetition of ha, you have a correct challenge, you have seven seconds left on the subject starting now.
KHH: What Tony Slattery can do with his tongue is nobodyís business. It is the most twisted I have ever seen. And if you, ladies and gentlemen, only knew what happened just before this programme began, he had the tongue right out like a...
NP: Yes! And Dale Winton, this could be the last round, sweep. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
DW: Well there are so many definitions of the word sweep. There is Supermarket Sweep which I am very fond of. There is... there is sweep...
TS: A bit of hesitation there.
DW: Well I was getting an acknowledgement from the audience.
TS: No, it was a camp double take! You said, thereís Supermarket Sweep...
TS DOES CAMP ROLLING OF EYES AT THE AUDIENCE
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
DW THROWS HIS PENCIL AT TS WHO CATCHES IT
TS: We canít have that! We canít have that!
NP: Oh thereís no mercy, thereís no quarter given in this show. Tony, sweep, 53 seconds starting now.
TS: When we talk about Mary Poppins, Dick van Dyke and his famous Cockney accent. He was of course a chimney sweep saying things like (does bad Cockney accent) ďhurry up with those fish and chipsĒ. (normal voice) Which interestingly sounded as if he came from South Africa (resumes bad Cockney accent) Mary Poppins, what are you...
DW: Ohhhhh can I have my pencil back?
NP: Whatís the matter?
DW: Mary Poppins.
NP: Two Mary Poppins.
TS: I know.
TS MAKES CAMP EYE ROLLING GESTURE AT THE AUDIENCE
DW: And he calls me camp!
DW: Thatís butch!
NP: He is butch, right! Forty-one seconds with you Dale, sweep starting now.
DW: Sweep means... you can do something...
KHH: I thought that was hesitation.
NP: That was a hesitation.
KHH: Terrible hesitation.
TS: And also, and also there was a different movement there. It wasnít a double take, it was...
TS WAVES HIS ARMS IN THE AIR EFFEMINATELY
TS: Sweep! Itís Max Bygraves youíve turned into!
NP: Yes! But heís versatile, you see, he can do Max Bygraves, the lot. Heís so overcome by the Supermarket sweep idea that he canít get going on it in Just A Minute. But you had a correct challenge, hesitation, 39 seconds, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, sweep starting now.
KHH: The Irish touch a shamrock for luck. The Russians in Tsarist Russia touched a hunchback...
KHH: Oh yes.
KHH: Two touches.
TS: Two touches.
NP: Two touches. Yes.
KHH: Two touches.
NP: Two touching there, 35 seconds on sweep back with you starting now.
TS: Whatís the subject? Whatís the game show?
NP: Dale you challenged.
DW: Yeah well hesitation Iím afraid.
NP: It was a hesitation, you have another point, you have 11 seconds on sweep starting now.
DW: When I said earlier about sweep, what I meant was being lucky like on the lottery. You can achieve the sweep like sweepstake, which is, Iím sorry Tony, I canít help but gesticulate because I get so excited...
NP: So very aptly, Dale Winton, speaking as the whistle went, not only brought the round to an end, heís brought the show to an end. The contestant who had most points on this particular show was Kit Hesketh-Harvey, so congratulations to you Kit! And you and your team captain over there, Dale Winton, who closely followed you, he was in second place...
KHH: I did it for him!
NP: Yes you did it for him, together you have triumphed, you have beaten the London team, the victors, the Midland team! I really think that itís about time we pulled on our chaps, saddled up and moseyed off into the new game show sunset. So on behalf of my guests, Tony Slattery, Jeremy Hardy, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Dale Winton, and myself, I say good-bye. We hope youíve enjoyed the fun that weíve enjoyed trying to give to you. If you have, tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here good-bye!