WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!
starring TONY SLATTERY, DALE WINTON, TONY BANKS and MARIELLA FROSTRUP, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Television, 11 August 1995)
NOTE: Tony Banks's last appearance, Mariella Frostrup's last appaearance.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, oh hello, hello, itís time once again for the unstoppable juggernaut of frivolity that is Just A Minute to come crashing into your living room. And my guests, well, I have two regulars. And as usual on my left the captain of the London team. We have the demonic presence and the insouciant personality of the amazing Tony Slattery.
TONY SLATTERY: Thank you, thank you very much. And ladies and gentlemen, tonight I have with me a man who is the MP for Newham. Heís also, he was also once Entertainments Officer for the Bader Minhoff Gang! A little known fact is that he once appeared in a very naughty video called Men Who Spank Tortoises! His name is Mister Tony Banks!
NP: On my right, the captain of the Midlands team, a man who cannot live up to the introduction that Tony Banks has just received. He is the premier checkout boy, the genial host of Supermarket Sweep, Dale Winton!
DALE WINTON: And with me I have a columnist, television presenter, chat show host and film reviewer. Sheís the only person ever to have conducted a live television interview with a frog, true! Please welcome Mariella Frostrup!
NP: Well the rules of Just A Minute are ridiculously simple until you start to play the game and then itís simply ridiculous. And theyíre going to try and make points for themselves, thatís very important. But also theyíre going to try and make points for their teams to see which will be the victor at the end of this weekís show, Midlands or London. And they try and do that as they ask them to speak on a subject I will give them. And they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Ití all becomes clear as we play the game and we begin with Tony Slattery. And Tony the subject here is down the tube. Can you tell us something about that in this game starting now.
TS: Well statistically itís been proven that on the London Underground, the Northern Line contains the most number of suicides. And thatís because there is nothing else to do. There are no trains there, absolute emptiness and silence whistling through the tunnels and...
DW: I hate to mention it but deviation, because silence doesnít whistle. Silence is silent.
NP: What a clever challenge! Yes! As they say in show business, not just a pretty face!
DW: Oh! As you said to me in my dressing room, not an hour since!
MARIELLA FROSTRUP: Youíre vying with me!
NP: Right Dale, you have a correct challenge, so you get a point for a correct challenge, there are 44 seconds left, starting now.
DW: The London Underground is a myriad of tracks. Youíve got the Jubilee, Northern, Metropolitan, Circle, District, Victoria. They all lead to all four corners of greater London. It costs well between one pound 70 for the smallest journey, up in...
TS: Deviation, itís one pound 30!
DW: Actually er heís right.
TONY BANKS: This is a man who knows his Underground!
TS: Zone 1 and 2, one pound 30. (blows raspberry)
MF: Thatís wrong, itís not true! I think itís a pound!
TS: No it isnít!
MF: Itís a pound!
TS: No, I live in...
NP: Yes I know, but the point is his challenge is correct. Because Dale said the cheapest is one 70, and itís not the cheapest so Tonyís challenge was actually correct. It shows you how they spend their lives, always on the Underground. Tony a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take back the subject of down the tube, 29 seconds starting now.
TS: I tried to get a chocolate bar out of one of those machines. Weíve all attempted to do that. What did I have to use in the end? A rocket launcher! Ten p, 20p, just to er...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Too many pees!
NP: There were too many pees, yes!
DW: Iím sorry, Iím sorry, I am being, I am being...
NP: No youíre being hard.
DW: I donít know what Iím being actually! I donít really want this subject anyway. How much longer have I got?
NP: Youíve got 18 seconds, the subject is down the tube starting now.
DW: Itís the turnstiles that confuse me most of all...
TS: You donít have turnstiles!
DW: You do!
TS: You have turnstiles at football matches!
TB: Thatís why he gets so confused over the price.
TS: I know!
NP: In Just A Minute, no, no... Iím on Daleís side here, because you put your ticket in to it...
TS: Youíre the chairman!
NP: ... and that thing, that thing moves like a turnstile. And I think thatís perfectly legitimate. Sixteen seconds for you Dale, another point starting now.
DW: Whatever it is that you impale yourself on when inserting your ticket, usually yellow, hopefully you will not be met by a guard who will ask to inspect it. This is because generally I have bought the wrong one for the journey I wish to take. Usually I spend less than one pound...
NP: Ah Tony Banks.
TB: The word usually.
NP: Heís used the word usually before, yes, yes.
DW: Is it nearly over?
NP: Yes. Tony Banks youíve cleverly got in with only three seconds to go on the subject, down the tube starting now.
TB: I use the London Underground every single day of my life and I must tell you the central line is...
NP: That whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Tony Banks so heís in second place. And itís Dale Wintonís turn to begin, what I overheard Dale, thatís the subject, can you talk on it, 60 seconds, starting now.
DW: What I overheard in the green room, which is the place we come before recording Just A Minute, was intimate apparel talk. Mariella Frostrupís personal belongings were er said...
NP: Mariella, yes?
NP: Hesitation yes.
DW: You can have the point actually, you can have the point.
NP: You can have the point because youíve got it for the Midlands as well as yourself, 50 seconds, what I overheard, Mariella starting now.
MF: The conversation that Dale is referring to was between Tony Slattery and myself. And I donít think I need to go into any ah further detail about it...
NP: Yes? Right Dale you got in first.
DW: Well I do apologise for doing...
NP: No, no, donít apologise...
DW: No Iím apologising because Iíve got to take on the subject and I donít want the subject, but I will say hesitation.
DW: How much have we got left?
NP: Let me tell you! Youíve got a correct challenge and a point and 27 seconds, what I overheard starting now.
DW: What I overheard was the barman talking to the lady who serves the drinks. She arrived with a tray of wonderfully decorated little canapťs that you might eat, twiglets, things like that. And we sat there munching while another couple from across the room were talking about Mariella and ...
TS: Thatís repetition of Mariella.
DW: Yes youíre right.
NP: You mentioned Mariella, and though we feel we canít have too much of Mariella, it counts as repetition within the rules of Just A Minute. So Tony I think you pressed first, didnít you?
NP: Twelve seconds are left, starting now.
TS: What I overheard was rumours...
NP PUSHES MFíS BUZZER
TS: What is going on?
NP: Mariella youíve got another point, you listened very well that time! What I overheard, eight seconds starting now.
MF: What I overheard in the green room was Tony Slattery being offered a large amount of money to take his clothes off! And a lot of other people offering him similar amounts to keep them back on...
NP: No, no, what is the challenge?
TS: Is it... oh a bit Welsh! It is interesting. I was going to buzz for the repetition of the word amounts. But the first one was amount and the second one was amounts.
NP: Thatís right, you are correct. So you were interrupted just before the whistle went. So you get another point for that Mariella and you have just half a second for what I overheard starting now.
MF: What I overheard...
NP: Yes right! Mariella was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Iím going to do something slightly different now.
NP: Instead of giving the players here a subject, Iím going to offer them an object. Those black segments will part and through this piece of furniture will arise something that is rather horrific and frightening.
OBJECT RISES THROUGH HOLE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF NP MAKING A WHIRRING NOISE AS IT RISES, AND THEN ROTATES IN FRONT OF THE PANEL
NP: There is the object. They have to speak without hesitation, repetition or deviation on that subject if they can and Tony Banks, will you begin. There is the object, please tell us what you think it is in 60 seconds starting now.
TB: Well as someone who is very much involved in animal welfare, I find this particular exhibit to be totally and utterly disgusting...
MF: Deviation, what is it though?
NP: I donít think... yes it was a good try Mariella but I donít think...
TS: Well done, you pretty little thing!
MF: Not bad for a girl, eh Nicholas!
NP: It was brilliant by any standard! But letís be fair within the rules of Just A Minute and Iím afraid sexism does not come into this particular show in any way at all! Tony Banks, you have another point, you have 53 seconds, thereís the object starting now.
TB: It clearly is an animal that has had its body chopped...
TS: Sorry, repetition of animal. It was animal welfare, and animal.
NP: Animal yes.
TB: Okay fair enough.
NP: No but he is still on your team.
TB: I know.
NP: Itís good.
TB: I donít mind him stopping me.
NP: Thereís the object...
TB: Any time you like!
TS: All right!
TB: All right yeah!
NP: Fifty seconds, Tony Slattery starting now.
TS: You can get this from any joke shop. Itís a... I donít know what it is actually!
DW: There was a hesitation there, Iím afraid.
NP: Yes it was hesitation. Dale, 47 seconds, thereís the object, tell us what, something about it starting now.
DW: Many names spring to mind when looking at this object. It clearly is nothing to do with Judith Chalmers, Norman Lamont or Norman Tebbitt. I just wonder what it might be. I think itís a...
TS: Repetition of Norman.
NP: Oh yes, yes.
DW: Heís right.
NP: Thirty-nine seconds Tony Slattery, starting now.
TS: If you watch Dale Winton in Supermarket Sweep, youíll see that as you cruise down the aisles, this is the latest in the frozen food department. Yes, with your fish fingers you can have half a scabby ramís head...
NP: I donít think so Mariella.
MF: He went (takes a breath)
NP: Well heís got to breathe you know!
MF: I never do!
NP: Tony, 26 seconds, thereís the object starting now.
TS: This is the god mohmoh-humpoo...
DW: Well iím sorry, there was a moh moh!
NP: Repetition of moh!
TS: Thatís the name of the god, mohmoh-humpoo.
DW: Oh stop it! Iíve never heard such nonsense in all my life!
NP: Even if it was true... even if it was true, Tony you still, you did still repeat moh.
TS: No, itís, mohmoh-humpoo is the Polynesian god of daytime television!
NP: Dale you have the subject, the object I mean, 23 seconds starting now.
DW: Tony Slatteryís quite wrong of course. I never sold anything like that in my supermarket. But I have a feeling it would be a big seller. Iíll tell you what it is, itís a wildebeest, captured ah...
NP: Hesitation definitely.
MF: That wasnít drawing breath.
NP: Thirteen seconds for you on the object starting now.
MF: Itís perfectly obvious that this ramís head is in fact a replacement for the original cover of the Rolling Stones album... Goatís Head Sue...
NP: I think so Tony, the object starting now.
TB: This poor creature was obviously cut from its body at an early age. And we now have to look at it singing I Aint Got...
NP: Tony Banks was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. Mariella has almost identified it but if anybody can give me a complete description of what it is, they will get a bonus point. Yes Mariella what do you think?
MF: Well itís definitely a ramís head.
NP: Yes we know that.
MF: And isnít the er...
NP: Itís a type of ramís head.
NP: Itís a type of ramís head.
MF: Itís a, itís a, itís from, itís not the Midlands.
NP: It is the Midlands.
MF: Is it? Is Derby in the Midlands?
NP: Derby Ram, well done! Well done yes!
MF: I know my rams! I know my rams!
NP: So a point for a Derby Ram and er weíve reached the halfway mark in our contest.
OBJECT DISAPPEARS BACK BENEATH THE DESK THROUGH A HOLE AGAIN MAKING A LOUD WHIRRING NOISE
NP: Now after that foray into the realms of the absurd, letís restore a bit of order. While we do that, weíll take a break and youíll see us after this.
NP: Welcome back to Just A Minute. And to restore some sunshine in our bleak little world, letís see what Mariella Frostrup can do with this next subject, Caesarís camp. Mariella...
MF: Would you like to do it?
NP: Can you talk on that subject, 60 seconds starting now.
MF: Caesarís Camp is a place I used to be sent in my youth in the Roman era when I was just growing up in my toga. We used to lie around, eat a lot of grapes, have orgies, that sort of thing. And Caesarís camp was where I used to be sent to clean up my act every summer...
NP: Yes Dale?
DW: Well Iím sorry, you were sent there twice.
NP: Yes you were sent there more than once.
MF: Yes I was, youíre absolutely right.
DW: Well there you are.
MF: Every summer I was there.
NP: Right, 47 seconds on Caesarís camp with you Dale starting now.
DW: I wouldnít be at all surprised if Caesar was camp as they say. The term was probably...
TS: Hesitation there.
NP: Hesitation yes, Tony Slattery, 42 seconds, tell us something about Caesarís camp starting now.
TS: I failed my O-level camp Latin, that happens to be true. Because there was a translation package called Caesarís camp. I started ďCaesar chased the naughty poet through the campĒ. And that happens to be true. The... writer... oh!
NP: Tony Banks.
NP: Hesitation, yes. Can you tell us something about Caesarís camp, starting now, Tony Banks.
TB: As a matter of fact I donít think I can tell you anything about Caesarís camp at all. I know...
NP: Ah Mariella?
MF: Well thereís no point in going on then, is there!
TB: But I was going to try!
NP: Thatís right! Mariella, what I do there is give you a bonus point because we enjoyed the challenge so much...
TS: We enjoyed it Mariella, you lovely thing!
MF: Such a sweet little girl! Sorry!
NP: Donít mock me please!
MF: I wasnít! It was Tony! Donít pick on me!
NP: Iím not picking on you, Iím picking on Tony. Right there we are. Ah Tony Banks, you get a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, Caesarís camp, 27 seconds starting now.
TB: Well of course Caesar camped all over Europe, rather like Des OíConnor. Though of course not with the same result...
TS: Repetition of of course, you said....
NP: Thereís too much of course, yes.
TB: Oh did I?
TB: All right okay. I was going to be rude about old Des anyway.
NP: Caesarís camp with you Tony Slattery, 20 seconds starting now.
TS: Caesarís camp is not like Butlinís camp because in Caesarís camp you can kill people (bursts out laughing)
TB: Ah hesitation.
NP: I think so Tony, 15 seconds, Tony Banks, Caesarís camp starting now.
TB: Well a large number of people have at different times seen Caesarís camp. Because if you travel around this country, all over from north...
TS: Repetition of all over. We had all over Europe.
NP: We had all over Europe before and now all over...
TS: Iím sorry Tony.
TB: Iíd forgotten about that. That was ages ago, wasnít it?
TS: But you see...
NP: You might, you might be arguing amongst yourselves but between you, youíre getting a lot of points for the London team.
TS: I know.
NP: Yes, six seconds on Caesarís camp Tony Slattery starting now.
TB: He did it again! He does that every time! Weíre going to win!
TS: It was for you!
NP: Dale you got in first.
DW: My hand was just...
TB: Yes! Quite!
NP: You knew what they were going to do and you didnít do it. Right, five seconds for you on Caesarís camp starting now.
DW: Caesarís camp is a holiday resort near the Midlands, where we play for of course on the programme from the Midlands team...
TB: Midlands twice.
DW: Yeah right, heís right.
MF: Yes but heís been told to do that hasnít he.
NP: I know he has, but heís got in with half a second to go on repetition starting now.
NP: Tony Banks was then speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. And heís leapt forward. But Dale Winton is still in the lead and then Tony Slattery and Mariella Frostrup in that order. Right Tony Banks, your turn to begin, the subject, my secret. Ask an Mp on the show and then ask him to talk about my secret. Oh thatís a bit daring isnít it. Right, 60 seconds starting now.
TB: My secret is so dark, devious and horrible that Iím even too frightened to tell the audience what it is. I have the worldís largest collection of Des OíConnor records. I first started collecting these when I saw him performing at a Buddy Holly Live concert at the Trochidera Elephant and Castle in the 1950s. I was amazed at his ability to sing, to dance, to keep us all entertained for so...
TS: Now that is deviation!
NP: Ah Iíll tell you what. No, Tony Slattery, what weíll do is the audience enjoyed that challenge so Iíll give you a bonus point for an enjoyable challenge...
TS: Thank you Nicholas.
NP: As it was not within the rules of Just A Minute, and it wouldnít be fair to Des OíConnor to accept it either, Iím going to say Tony Banks, you get a point for being interrupted. And you keep going on my secret, 30 seconds are left starting now.
TB: He is an absolutely amazing man...
DW: Weíve had two amazings.
NP: Weíve had two amazings.
TB: Have we? Heís a very amazing man! I love him!
TB: Itís out! The secretís out!
NP: Right Dale, 28 seconds, my secret starting now.
DW: My secret is all about my first girlfriend whose name was Dot. Strangely enough, people always used to look at us together and think ďI bet heís a friend of DorothyísĒ. I never quite understood what they were talking about. Having heard about it, they said to me ďwell that must be your secretĒ. I said ďmy secret? I have no idea what youíre talking about because everything in my life is an open book...Ē
NP PRESSES MFíS BUZZER
NP: Mariella challenged.
MF: Behave yourself! Yes, talking rubbish!
NP: Talking, no he was talking... youíre right, repetition of talking.
MF: Repetition of talking, exactly! Talking yes!
MF: I just threw in the rubbish bit...
NP: I know, thatís right yes.
MF: ... to spice things up a bit.
NP: So Mariella you have a point not only for yourself but for your team. Which is really clever of you to get in there.
MF: Iíll tell you what...
MF: I know how to play this game!
TB: Will you press my hand? Will you press my hand?
TS: No, you belong to Des!
NP: Right letís have 10 seconds from Mariella on my secret starting now.
MF: My secret is that Iím actually Margaret thatcherís love child. I was conceived in the early 1920s and (laughs)
NP: Tony Banks.
NP: No, it was hesitation. Two seconds for you Tony Banks, on my secret starting now.
TB: My secret is that Iím still a socialist within the Labour Party...
NP: Tony Banks was speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. Things that go bump in the night. Tony Slattery I think itís your turn to begin. Will you talk on that subject starting now.
TS: In the 70s, there used to be this game called clackers. Do you remember that? And I used to play with them every night. And in that sense they used to go bump. And neighbours would complain, knock on the wall, say ďstop using those horrible toysĒ. I replied ďnoĒ because that was the kind of boy I was... (starts to laugh)
NP: Yes it was Tony Banks, so youíve won a point for yourself and your team.
TB: Youíre quite happy.
TS: Thatís fine.
NP: You have 43 seconds, tell us something about things that go bump in the night starting now.
TB: Things that go bump in the night frighten me. Because Iím actually a very cowardly...
DW: There was a hesitation there.
NP: I think there was a hesitation yes.
DW: Over very.
TB: There was. Iím a very cowardly person, thatís what I was trying to say.
DW: There was a very.
NP: Dale Winton, things that go bump in the night is the subject, you have 38 seconds starting now.
DW: Do you know the worst thing that can happen to a person is to live above people that are at it all night long. Things that go bump in the night, youíd be amazed! Iíve rung the council and said ďwhat do you think about these... neighbours Iíve got...Ē
NP: Yes Mariella?
NP: No I donít think it was hesitation. But Mariella, donít worry...
MF: I know, Iím not.
NP: Youíre not. Itís another point to your Midlands team yes.
TS: This is gamesmanship!
NP: It is gamesmanship.
DW: No, itís not!
MF: Itís called technique dear! You wouldnít know a lot about it!
NP: Dale, an incorrect challenge so you get a point for that, things that go bump in the night, 27 seconds starting now.
TS: Got him! Got him! Huge hesitation there.
NP: Huge hesitation. Twenty-six seconds, things that go bump in the night, Tony Slattery starting now.
TS: The reputed most haunted house in Britain is Bawdy Rectory. It was the centre of great poltergeist activity, the word being German, meaning naughty or noisy ghost objects...
DW: There were two ghosts.
NP: Two ghosts.
TS: Oh yes!
TB: Scary! Scary!
NP: Things that go bump in the night, Dale back with you, 14 seconds starting now.
DW: Above my bedroom, Iím sure itís not a poltergeist...
TS: Repetition of above, we had the neighbours above.
NP: We had the...
DW: Oh we did, didnít we.
DW: Oh Iím sorry, yes we did.
NP: The noisy ones. Twelve seconds, things that go bump in the night Tony starting now.
TS: (in falsetto) One of the worst things (starts to laugh)
MF: Incomprehensible anguish!
NP: Deviation from his normal voice. Mariella...
MF: Oh dear!
NP: You have a correct challenge, you have 11 seconds, things that go bump in the night starting now.
MF: Things that go bump in the night can be very irritating particularly for people who work on breakfast television. A friend of mine has that job and is constantly driven mad by her noisy neighbours who spend a lot of time upstairs...
NP: Mariella Frostrup was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. And sheís moved forward but she didnít quite catch up our leader. So at the end of the contest, the one with the most points was Tony Slattery, so congratulations to Tony.
NP: But the team that had the most points, four ahead of the London team, were the winners this week, the Midlands team, Mariella Frostrup and Dale Winton. We have no more time to play Just A Minute. If you want to play this game at home, do remember it is a game for experts. If you are tempted to try, do make sure you are wearing the right protective underwear. It only remains for me to say on behalf of my distinguished guests, Tony Slattery, Tony Banks, Mariella Frostrup, and Dale Winton and myself, Nicholas Parsons, we do hope you have enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute. And you will tune in at the same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful and ridiculous game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!