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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and BARRY TOOK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 October 1973)
NOTE: Barry Took's first appearance, Clement Freud's 150th appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Barry Took in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen. Hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard the announcer say, we welcome a newcomer to our programme this week. We’re very pleased to have Barry Took who has come along nobly and courageously to pit his wits and his talents against these three intrepid exponents of the game. And let us start with one of the most experienced of them all, Derek Nimmo. Derek would you begin the show this week. Oh I’ve got to remind them all, of course, that the rules are just the same. They’ve got to try and speak if they can for just one minute without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card which is in front of me. Derek the subject is making notes. I see you are making a rapid note for making notes. Sixty seconds starting now. DEREK NIMMO: Well of course, one can make notes on all sorts of things. Principally one tends to make them on pieces of paper as I’ve done just now as Mister Parsons, I believe his name is, so rightly observed. At other times when I’m appearing in plays, I’ve made them on my cuff to help you remember your lines. Frightfully good. I remember in the Aldwich farce, Mister Robert... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged you. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of remember. NP: Yes. CF: And hello! DN: Hello. NP: Hello! No he was saying hello to the audience. CF: Yes! NP: Oh well that was very nice. It’s so surprising, to have such courtesy so suddenly from you Clement. Um the subject, you get a point actually Clement for a correct challenge and you take over the subject with 44 seconds left, making notes starting now. CF: The bad thing is that if you don’t make notes, you tend to forget what you have come to do, which would be a mistake at all times, and particularly on this programme. I don’t make notes very often in my journalistic life because I find that when I write things down, the very action of... imprinting the... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PETER JONES: Hesitation. NP: Yes he was getting slower and slower as he searched for words he didn’t use in his journalistic career. Peter I agree with your challenge so you have a point and you have the subject. Twenty-six seconds left for making notes starting now. PJ: Of course under certain circumstances it can be a criminal offence. If they look like pound notes and you distribute them to retailers, you can get into very serious trouble. Of course there’s a... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. PJ: No, it was the first time I said it. CF: No you began... NP: I know you’re sitting in... PJ: I didn’t begin by saying of course! Of course I didn’t! NP: Of course you did actually! PJ: Did I? NP: So I’m afraid Clement Freud has a point for a correct challenge and he has 10 seconds on making notes starting now. CF: One of the best things to use is paper because you do look an awful idiot writing on your skin or on other people’s shirts. Also laundries tend to charge extra... WHISTLE NP: That whistle that was blown so sweetly and so elegantly for us by Ian Messiter tells us that 60 seconds is up. And as you probably know by now, whoever is speaking at that particular moment gains an extra point. Clement Freud was doing that on this occasion and he has a commanding lead at the end of the round. And Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin the second round. What it like. CF: What on earth... NP: Oh I’m sorry. What it’s like. Such a ridiculous subject, I couldn’t believe it! Clement Freud, 60 seconds starting now. CF: Well in the beginning, I only read about it. And then... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: ... at the age of 16 or possibly 17, I felt that slight tingling in my toes, that half flush on my cheeks, and my hair began to fall slightly over my eyebrows before it then completely... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of before. NP: Yes. DN: Before I read about it. NP: Yes, Derek you have a point for a correct challenge... CF: You’ve missed a lot of good stuff! NP: Well... DN: I would have particularly liked to hear about your hair falling over your eyes! NP: No, I can’t deny it! Um I think we heard such good stuff from Clement actually, I’m delighted to hear from Derek Nimmo on the subject of what it’s like starting now. DN: Well I think it’s terribly nice. Some people tend to say it tickles a bit, and it’s quite the nicest fur coat that I’ve ever bought for myself. On hot days like... tonight, one might find... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged you. PJ: Hesitation. Before he said tonight. NP: Peter Jones was correct and he has a point. And he has what it’s like Peter, and there are 24 and a half seconds left starting now. PJ: Well it is in my view, rather like a tram ride and... BUZZ NP: And er Barry Took has challenged. BARRY TOOK: I just wanted to say good evening as I hadn’t said anything! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE BT: He also said something rather suspect before the train ride. NP: No, he was putting his hand up to impersonate a tram I think. BT: Oh right. NP: No, I think Barry, obviously from the reaction of the audience deserves a bonus point for a brilliant remark and... If you can get a laugh out of “good evening”, I mean er... you must be a very good scriptwriter. Barry well done. The subject is still, I’m afraid, with Peter Jones who has 19 seconds on what it’s like starting now. PJ: Well 19 seconds is barely long enough for me... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: I didn’t challenge. NP: You did, your light came on, you pressed your buzzer. CF: No. Isn’t that lucky? No, I didn’t. I, I have an alibi! NP: You stopped his flow and it means he must receive a point for an incorrect challenge... CF: Oh each a point! NP: And 16 seconds left Peter, on what it’s like starting now. PJ: Even 16 seconds is hardly long enough... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of hardly long enough. NP: Yes. PJ: That was the previous time then. NP: I know, but you said it in this round so I mean that is repetition. All we’re allowed to repeat and... somebody is leaving the show already from the audience! She doesn’t know what it’s like anyway! And um perhaps she’s going to find out! Anyway the subject is now back with Derek Nimmo. All you’re allowed to repeat is the subject on the card by the way. And there are 13 seconds on what it’s like Derek starting now. DN: It must be very unpleasant to be in this audience tonight when the chairman’s making such rude remarks about you. No doubt the woman has gone out to find what it’s like outside and perhaps she will be enjoying it quite tremendously by now. She’ll be lying in the green park out in the sun... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek Nimmo was speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point. It’s a very interesting situation at the end of that round because Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Peter Jones, the three regular players of the game are all equal in the lead with three points. And Barry Took has got one point for saying “good evening”! BT: I have a feeling it’s going to be downhill from now on! NP: Barry your chance to move uphill now, because we have a subject for you. My preference. So can you talk for 60 seconds on my preference starting now. BT: My preference is for sitting, on hot days like this, in the company of such wonderful people as I find around me. I think they’re all absolutely splendid. Particularly Clement Freud with his wonderful beard... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of wonderful. It was very nice but... NP: Well as he hasn’t played the game... CF: Quite right! NP:... and as he said good evening... CF: Let him say good evening and get another point! NP: I thought I’d give him a point for the repetition of wonderful. I thought it was very clever the way he... CF: Yes! Nicely done! NP: It’s a great effort to say something’s wonderful twice about you! We give him a point for that, 47 seconds on my preference Barry starting now. BT: My pre... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Well either hesitation or perhaps you’d like to give him another point? I don’t know! NP: I’m going to give him another point... DN: Give him another point! NP: And there are 46 seconds for my preference Barry starting now. BT: I’ve never met such a sporting crowd in all of my life! I must say that my preference is to sit in this beautifully warm chair... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of sit. NP: Yes you have sat here before actually. Derek has got a point for that challenge and he has 38 seconds on my preference starting now. DN: My preference is to have nobody sitting next to me on this programme. Until tonight, I’ve always had a beautiful damsel sitting here on my right hand side. Now what do we have left now? Old grotty Barry Took! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: Well you should have heard what I said when I came tonight! I say “I have the lovely Andree Melly and I’m filled with excitement all day, with that lovely snug nose and... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged twice. DN: Why? CF: Two lovelies. NP: There were two lovelies. DN: She’s very lovely! And so ungallant, he really is. NP: I’m not sure there weren’t three actually. But anyway Clement, you have a point for a correct challenge and 20 seconds on my preference starting now. CF: My preference is actually for Barry Took, who has the sort of figure which I’ve always... BUZZ NP: Barry Took has challenged. BT: Deviation! LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: I think the audience applause there indicated quite clearly that Barry has gained a well-deserved point for his challenge and er 16 seconds on my preference Barry starting now. BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Good evening! NP: Clement Freud has a point for good evening and Barry Took has a point for an incorrect challenge and he has 16 seconds on my preference Barry starting now. BT: Do I get... BUZZ BT: Oh I’m so sorry. NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Good evening! NP: Good evening! And Barry Took still has the subject, my preference Barry starting now. BT: Plagiarism is not a er very pretty word... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why? DN: He’s quite right, it’s not a very pretty word and hesitation to boot. NP: There was no booting in it at all! There was no hesitation. Barry Took has the subject, there are 12 seconds left, my preference starting now. BT: My preference is to be among decent fine people of the sort not... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of people. NP: Yes. PJ: He’s talked about wonderful people, beautiful people and people again, you know. BT: Well Peter, I just like people, all right! NP: I think you made your point Peter. You have a point and there are six seconds on my preference starting now. PJ: My preference is for very under... BUZZ NP: Barry Took has challenged. BT: Hesitation. PJ: Rubbish! LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: No you are... BT: The moment I buzzed, you stopped! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: All right! Some people learn the rules of Just A Minute very fast, don’t they! Peter you have a point for an incorrect challenge and you have five seconds on my preference starting now. PJ: And for public transport rather than motor cars and bicycles or even walking because... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point and a very interesting situation. Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud are equal in third place, Peter Jones is one point ahead in second place. And our leader is our newcomer Barry Took. Peter Jones will you begin the next round, the subject, the nub of the matter. Would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. PJ: The nub of the matter. What a delightful phrase, describing as it does the rock-bottom, the nitty-gritty. And I think it’s high time that we, all of us, bandied together and employed a team of experts to examine this very thoroughly, internally and externally, nipping round it, bigger and... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why? DN: Repetition of ternally. LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE DN: Internally and externally. NP: But internally and externally are words, not even hyphenated. It’s an incorrect challenge, a good try. Peter gets a point for a wrong challenge and 39 seconds for the nub of the matter Peter starting now. PJ: And if they can possibly come up with a solution which would solve this problem which has plagued us all... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of problem. NP: Yes, there was a problem before Peter. So Derek had a correct challenge that time and 22 seconds Derek on the nub of the matter starting now. DN: The nub of the matter as far as playing this game is concerned, is that if you keep on saying “good evening”, to the chairman, and then you’re deliberately awarded all sorts of points. It’s quite a new departure, we’re never actually done it like that before. And I’m very fond of finding new ways, methods of... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of new. NP: Yes. DN: Oh he’s right. NP: Quite a tough one, but he’s correct. Nineteen seconds on the nub of the matter starting now. CF: The nub of the matter starting now is that unless we get rules for this game, it’s going to be terribly difficult to decide whether Barry Took is actually overall winner, or Derek Nimmo chewing a pencil will come into close second place. Because the nub of the matter is... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged just before the whistle. DN: Hesitation just after his nub. NP: Yes there was a hesitation... DN: What a shame! What a shame! NP: Half a second to go. DN: He’s such a sporting player too, Clay too, isn’t he! NP: So you’ve done a Clement Freud on him and got in with as I say half a second to go, Derek, the nub of the matter starting now. DN: The nub of the matter is... WHISTLE NP: Derek Nimmo gained the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. And that extra point has taken him into the lead, one point ahead of Barry and Peter. And Clement Freud trailing one point behind them. And Clement Freud it’s your turn to begin, the subject, my friend Smith. DN: Who? NP: My friend Smith. Would you talk on that Clement, 60 seconds starting now. CF: One of the great things about having a friend Smith is that nobody knows who he is or which actual Smith he might turn out to be. My first friendly Smith was a schoolboy, aged 14 at the time I seem to recall, who came up and kicked me on the shins on Hampstead Heath, because he was a boy scout and he had said “do unto others what you would have them do unto you”, part of the law of Lord Baden Powell as he was later to be. And carrying his staff... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation I’m afraid. NP: Yes I think... CF: I’m very glad, yes, I really... NP: Yes you were getting a bit bogged down with your boy scouts. CF: Yes I was getting very bogged down. NP: My friend Smith is now with you Derek, with 27 seconds left starting now. DN: By a very curious chance, my friend Smith was a senior sixer in the Wolfcubs founded by that splendid gentleman, the hero of the South African war which Mister Clement Freud just mentioned. Now I met my friend... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. CF: I mentioned Lord Baden Powell. NP: Yes. CF: When he was the hero of the Boer War he had no title. NP: But he later became Lord Baden Powell. He was referring to the same man. To my mind he’d made it quite clear he was referring to the same... CF: Oh really? I thought that was very open to doubt myself. NP: That’s why you challenged. DN: Only to you! PJ: Well I think he was a hero during the time of the Boer War but whether he was a hero on this occasion at Hampstead Heath... (laughs)... when you... NP: Oh shut up Peter! PJ: ... I don’t know! NP: Derek... do you want to say something? BT: I want to put a word in for Buller! NP: Yes I’m glad you’ve joined us Barry, you do relieve things so delightfully on occasions. Fourteen seconds are left Derek with you on my friend Smith starting now. DN: Of course Lady Smith was terribly relieved when my friend Smith turned up. Because he’d left her lurking around in this wood in Hampstead Heath. He was in the Owls and had a very nice totem pole. And sometimes when we used to go to camp... BUZZ NP: Clement challenged just before the whistle. CF: Ah deviation. NP: Why? CF: The Owls are Boy Scouts and he was a sixer and that is in the Wolfcubs. DN: Well played Freud! NP: Well played! DN: There are Browns and Blacks and Greens in the Wolfcubs. Very good Freud! Very knowledgeable you see! He’s filled with totally useless information, Freud! NP: I’ve been told by Ian Messiter who keeps the score, that he’d actually put part of his whistle into action when he... there’s a fifth of a second left for Clement Freud to talk on my friend Smith starting now. CF: Good evening! WHISTLE NP: It’s a very even race in the game. Clement Freud has come forward into third place, one ahead of Barry, one behind Peter and three behind our leader who is Derek Nimmo. And Barry Took will you take the next round please, the subject before and after. Can you talk on before and after, 60 seconds starting now. BT: Before and after is a subject before and after my own heart. Before... and after... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. NP: I agree with your challenge... PJ: Oh thanks very much! It was a tough one, I know! I’m glad you’re allowing it! NP: Peter you have a point and you have 47 seconds on before and after starting now. PJ: Before and after is also the subject of advertisements. And one sees pictures of people who have used a certain type of hair dressing. And one notices that not only their hair but their... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of hair. NP: Yes indeed there was. PJ: Hair dressing you see. CF: He said hair dressing. NP: But hair dressing includes hair... CF: No, hair dressing is an art... NP: It’s a hyphenated word, isn’t it? CF: No, no! A hair dresser who does your hair... NP: A hair dresser is one word, but hair dressing is hyphenated I would have thought. CF: I’m not going to talk about hair, I hardly have any! NP: I will have to put it to the audience then. Do you agree with Derek’s challenge and if you agree will you cheer. And if you disagree will you boo. And will you all do it together now. CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: They decided that you didn’t repeat yourself, so Peter keeps the subject and there are um 35 seconds on before and after starting now. PJ: And on the evidence of these two photographs it rather looks as though having used this stuff on your skull, you entire appearance is altered including the clothes you’re wearing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. PJ: Who? NP: He’s challenged you and I know why! Clement Freud! CF: It’s deviation. NP: Yes I agree. PJ: What? NP: He’s challenged you for deviation. CF: He meant scalp, not skull. NP: He meant scalp. If you’re going to skull your scalp and eat your scalp... you don’t... PJ: You have to rub it well in! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: It says on the bottle! It says! NP: Even if you rub it well in, I don’t think it will have any effect on the skull! It might affect the scalp, even well rubbed in or not. Clement I agree with your challenge and you have 27 seconds on before and after starting now. CF: I didn’t do it before, until I was nearly 15. But afterwards, I had a lot of experience, especially when my toes started to tingle, and this incredible sensation of euphoria, utter and complete elation overtook me. Which I think is possibly why my voice has this cadence... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I don’t think elation is the same as euphoria. And you can’t experience both at the same time! NP: It’s a very nice thought Peter, but I would have thought either you, you can or um... DN: You can’t! Yes! Very good thinking! Very good! Very quick our chairman! CF: Well reasoned! PJ: I think you’ve grasped the situation, yes! NP: I think I... CF: Hang on for a decision! NP: I would say that if you were in a state of euphoria, you would probably be highly elated as well. There are seven seconds, Clement Freud, having gained another point, with you, before and after starting now. CF: Before and after the dinner party, I was hungry and thirsty and belched, and yawned appallingly which my host... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud then speaking as the whistle went, then gained the extra point, and has moved forward now to take the lead alongside Derek Nimmo. And Peter Jones is trailing by one point, and Barry Took just behind them. And Peter will you begin the next round. Peter, what I do with old razor blades, 60 seconds starting now. PJ: What I do with old razor blades. Well fortunately this is a problem that I don’t have very frequently because I own an electric razor. And each blade lasts about a year. So every five, I collect them in an envelope and address them to myself. But I don’t put a stamp on. Drop them into the letterbox and next morning they are delivered to my front door. I refuse to pay the excess postage and what the GPO does with them, I don’t know or care... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Hesitation after. NP: Yes! What a rotten... I was enjoying that story! PJ: Well it was over actually! There wasn’t much to say after that! NP: Derek you have the subject, you’ve gained a point and there are 23 seconds on what I do with old razor blades starting now. DN: Well what I do with old razor blades is to collect them in a matchbox and I find them most tremendously handy in my tool cupboard. I take them out, for instance, if I get some paint on the windowsill, has this happened to you? I don’t know, maybe! And I scrape down with my old razor, it removes the paint. Frightfully useful... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of paper. NP: Yes. Clement... DN: Repetition of what? CF: Paper. NP: You mentioned... DN: I never mentioned paper! PJ: Oh well, paint then! Repetition of paint! Whatever it was! CF: I got the point! It was er, let’s not have none of this... DN: He said repetition of paper. I haven’t mentioned paper, have I, ladies and gentlemen? NP: Well would you speak up in future, so the chairman and the other competitors... DN: It’s not my fault that the chairman’s deaf, is it? BT: Well I’m sitting near to him and I can vouch for the fact that he didn’t say paper! CF: Not at all? NP: No, not at all. Clement Freud was also being particularly keen because this is the last round and it is neck and neck at this particular moment... CF: I wanted Nimmo to win! NP: That’s an easy way out! There are only nine seconds left for Derek to continue on what I do with old razor blades starting now. DN: What Barry Took was my old razor blade, which I was going to give to my friend Smith and he was going to use it to flip... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Deviation. NP: Why? PJ: He’s talking about his friend Smith, which was the other er subject earlier on so it can’t be right. NP: No I think he said very clearly he was going to do something with his friend Smith, his old razor blade. PJ: No, he’s talking about his old friend Smith... NP: I know he was, but he was going to give him an old razor blade or something so I don’t think he was deviating. So he has four seconds to continue with what I do with old razor blades starting now. CF: What I do with my old razor blades is to sharpen them up and sell them on the streets of London at an enormous profit... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek Nimmo gained a number of points in that round and as I said there’s no more time. You’ve probably guessed who was the winner but let me give you the final result, it’s very equal. Barry Took who joined us for the first time did jolly well. He was actually in fourth place but he was only a little way behind Peter Jones in third place. He was only one point behind Clement Freud in second place but he was quite a way behind this week’s winner Derek Nimmo! Well we do hope you all enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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