JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,TSlattery,SFrost
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, TONY SLATTERY and STEVE FROST, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 February 1999)

NOTE: Ann Osborne's first appearance blowing the whistle.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Hello my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. And also the four talented diverse and provocative players of the game who are participating this week. We welcome back two golden oldies of Just A Minute who have been playing this game since it first began many years ago. We welcome the actor and traveller Derek Nimmo, the writer, politician and wit Clement Freud. We also welcome back for only the third or fourth time the accomplished actor and distinctive comedian Tony Slattery. And the equally accomplished comedy performer and all-round entertainer Stephen Frost. Would you please welcome all four of them! As usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject which I will give them, and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. Beside me sits Ann Osborne who is going to hold the stopwatch, sheís going to help me with the score and blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the St Jamesís Concert Hall in the Channel Island of Guernsey. And we are facing a delightful warm enthusiastic Guernsey audience who are going to cheer us on our way as we begin the first round with Clement Freud. Clement the subject is fast food. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Loose women and fast food are two things one should not be without. I would particularly like to recommend fast food, which is of course food you do not eat because you are fasting. Among this water and bread and unleavened ah...

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Yes they all heard the er and Stephen Frost you were in first.

STEVE FROST: Hesitation there.

NP: Yes.

SF: An unleavened er.

NP: You had a correct challenge so you get a point for that. You take over the subject of fast food and there are 41 seconds left starting now.

SF: Spaghetti is my favourite fast food because if you suck it really hard, it goes down really quickly...

BUZZ

NP: And Tony Slattery challenged.

TONY SLATTERY: Repetition of really I think.

NP: There was two reallys there. Tony Slattery nice to hear from you. You got in with a correct challenge, you gained a point for that. You have 37 seconds available, tell us something about fast food.

TS: The fastest food I ever had was I think the other day in an Indian restaurant. It was vindaloo, gosh, it was quick!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: I made it...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No!

CF: Milking the audience for a laugh!

NP: No! I donít think so.

TS: No!

NP: And the audience wouldnít agree with him. He was, he was sort of trying to ride the laugh and yet not do so. So Tony I give you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep the subject. There are 27 seconds available and itís still fast food starting now.

TS: One of the most peculiar things about hamburgers, especially in some of the more well-known... duh!

BUZZ

NP: Itís an impossible game, isnít it. So right Derek, you got in first, definite hesitation and there are 21 seconds available, tell us something about fast food starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: The fastest food that Iíve ever tasted was two weeks ago, travelling on the Concord to New York. It was going at twice the speed of sound and I had some delicious caviar provided by Whites. It was valugar and totally sumptuous in its taste. I do think as a nation the British are quite awful because they eat on the hop all the time. What other country...

WHISTLE

NP: Whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. And on this occasion it was Derek Nimmo. So at the end of the first round, Derek Nimmo and Tony Slattery have taken the lead over the other two. Stephen Frost will you take the next round, the subject is the wrong end of the stick. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

SF: Well I went on holiday to Greece once, to an island called Naxos. And I was talking to the chef. And I said to him ďI see youíve lost a waiterĒ because the man who helped him out the day before wasnít there. And he said ďyes, I have been working very hardĒ and patted his stomach. See, he thought I meant (bursts into giggles) ...

BUZZ

SF: Iíve lost the weight-ah! I canít say that!

NP: I donít know what on earth youíre going on about! Clement you had a correct challenge, you got in first there, and 44 seconds are available, the wrong end of the stick starting now.

CF: It was mooted that Lord Archerís face should be on postage stamps in England. But when they gave it a test, it was found that there was a lack of adhesion. And they realised that people were spitting on the wrong side.

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Iím not sure if that is the wrong side of the stick. But certainly... there was...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation then. Twelve seconds are now available, the wrong end of the stick Derek starting now.

DN: Coming here tonight, people have got the wrong end of the stick, so it could even be Evensong. I believe...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two evens!

NP: Evensong.

DN: Evensong is a separate word.

CF: But you said even be Evensong.

DN: Yeah but Evensong...

NP: Heís not repeating anything...

TS: Oh girls, stop it please!

NP: So Derek I consider that an incorrect challenge, you have seven seconds still, another point to you, the wrong end of the stick starting now.

DN: I believe in God, the Father Almighty, and Jesus Christ, his only begotten son. And that is what one might have heard had one come here a few years ago. sadly today it is very...

WHISTLE

NP: Well once again Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Heís now taken a strong lead, having brought that round to an end with that little prayer. Derek why donít you take the next round because the subject is Guernsey. Oh what an apt subject!

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Donít groan like that! Iím sure he will say nice things! Derek, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

DN: I really feel tremendously thrilled to be able to talk about this beautiful island for a few moments...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost has challenged.

SF: Thatís not what he said in the dressing room!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: He was, he was going on about give it back to the French, or something! I donít know what he was going on about! And now heís out here patronising! I canít believe it!

NP: Well, as he wasnít actually deviating from the rules of Just A Minute, Stephen what Iíll do there is give you a bonus point because we loved the challenge. But Derek you were interrupted, so you get a point for being interrupted, you keep the subject, Guernsey starting now.

DN: The rich creamy milk that comes from Guernsey cows is particularly delightful. And of course Guernsey sweaters, worn by the fishermen, blue unrinsed wool which is so famous throughout the world. In fact in Australia if youíre playing in the football games there, if you get a Guernsey, it means like in England, you get a cap for playing cricket. They get a Guernsey in the Antipodes. And so itís a rather interesting thought that some people might say jersey which is a must lesser thing to have than a Guernsey. And so itís rather nice to be actually in the birthplace of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Two rather nices.

NP: Yes, there were two rather nice...

DN: Absolutely! There were three, I think! Itís rather nice to be talking about Guernsey, I think.

NP: Rather nice of you to say so and er he doesnít get any more points. Just one for a correct challenge and 20 seconds available Clement on Guernsey starting now.

CF: Nimmo is rather keen on Guernsey because it is roughly the size of some of his estates. And there are many countries to which you can go and Derek is the proprietor, landlord, owner, also grows wine...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of Derek.

CF: No, Nimmo first!

NP: Nimmo first. Four seconds, an incorrect challenge Clement, you have another point starting now.

CF: Matt latissiere is one of the great exports to our great country...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud got that extra point for speaking when the whistle went, and heís moved into second place behind Derek Nimmo, and Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery only one point behind, equal in third place together. And Tony your turn to begin. Oh a lovely subject for you, the common touch. Iím sure you have it in spades, but talk on the subject starting now.

TS: I once went to a Buckingham Palace garden party, and I was rather nervous as you can imagine about meeting various members of the Royal Family and the Monarchy. I wondered whether they would be nice to me, or whether I would have to bow and scrape. I was queuing up for some cucumber sandwiches when I heard behind me ďoy! Thereís a queue, bitch!Ē And I turned round, only to see Princess Anne who was in fact shovelling spades over her shoulder. She was digging a hole. I said ďwhy arenít there workmen to do that?Ē The royal personage replied ďnot at all, Iím digging a tunnel to get out of this mad house!Ē

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo rescued you, just in time I think. Before they came along to take you off to the Tower! Um, 28 seconds are available for the common touch with you Derek starting now.

DN: When Barbara Cartland was on television once, she was asked whether she had the common touch and indeed whether the class system was dead in Great Britain. And she replied ďof course it is, otherwise I wouldnít be sitting here talking to somebody like you!Ē

BUZZ

DN: Which I think shows that she has got the common touch...

NP: Wait, just after you had got your laugh, Clement Freud challenged you. Yes?

CF: Repetition of whether.

NP: Whether. Donít look so surprised you did actually say it again. They try and bluff me out of it, I must explain, they look at me sometimes with shocked surprise...

DN: Iím not! Iím looking at you with total contempt!

NP: And thatís one of my friends speaking! And thatís one of my friends laughing as well! Right Clement, correct challenge, 13 seconds available, the common touch starting now.

CF: If you hold high political office, and are not too keen to hang on to it, I would suggest going to Clapham Common and having a Common touch! And you will do, it is infinitely better than Battersea Park or Hampstead Heath...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Yes but no, no, before the whistle, Tony, you challenged, Tony Slattery.

TS: Deviation from the truth. Battersea Park is much better.

CF: I was not going to say I bow to superior knowledge!

NP: Let us assume that he coincided with the whistle and Clement Freud got the point, because he would get it anyway, for speaking as the whistle went. And he is now still in second place behind Derek Nimmo, and the other two are trailing, only two or three points. And we move on, Clement weíre back with you. The subject now is cliff-hanger. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: It is not common knowledge that for every person in the United Kingdom, there are one million strutters each of whom have eight eyes, which means that each human being is constantly being observed by eight million...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of eight.

NP: Eight yes, there were too many numbers in there. Right, 42 seconds are available and... I donít know what he was talking about! Does anybody in the audience know? But thatís it, I mean his erudition goes above the head of so many of us. Cliff-hanger, 42 seconds Derek starting now.

DN: One of the greatest living Englishmen apart from Nicholas Parsons is Sir Cliff Richard. And his fans have long been known as Cliff hangers. And theyíve grown in numbers over the years because he has always delivered the goods. And when that nasty little ginger man wonít play his records, the Cliff hangers will be round to get him. Because itís very unfair. Everyone was delighted when he was made a Knight of the British Empire by a most kind and wonderfully appreciative Monarch. And there ought to be more Cliff hangers. I donít know if heís ever been here to Guernsey but heís missing something if he hasnít because. And in the old movies, they always used to finish an episode with a cliff-hanger, thatís how the name really came about. It might be something...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo going for quite a while until the whistle went, gained an extra point for doing so. Has increased his lead at the end of the round. Stephen Frost your turn to begin, the subject scam. Tell us something about that starting now.

SF: For those of you who donít know scam is like a con trick. Youíre having one over another person and making a profit from it. And it comes from the Cockney rhyming slang. Scam, man, pan, handle... (bursts into giggles)

BUZZ

NP: Where were you going with that?

SF: I have no idea!

NP: But Tony Slattery got in first with a hesitation and Tony you have scam now and there are 45 seconds starting now.

TS: Well hereís something Iíve learnt from Derek already. The best scam to use on this audience is to praise Guernsey! Which is what Iím going to do now! In comparison Jersey is but a...

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: A floating isle of excrement!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

TS: Iím sorry to be so graphic!

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Sanitation!

NP: All right, I will consider that deviation because I donít think anybody, in anybodyís wildest dreams you could describe Jersey in those particular terms. But all right, you have the subject Stephen and there are 19 seconds on scam starting now.

SF: Probably the greatest scam in the world, we all know it, was the one when a royal person many years ago in the country of Germany decided to wage war against his courtiers. Yes you know who Iím talking about. I am of course mentioning...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: The second of course.

NP: You said of course, because you didnít know who you were talking about!

SF: I donít know what I was talking about! People were looking at me and going ďoh I never heard of this! I wonder who he means!Ē

NP: And I was looking at you and thinking can he keep going for another three seconds before the whistle goes. But you just didnít make it. So Clementís got in with three seconds to go on scam starting now.

CF: If scam were spelt S-K-A-M...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got the extra point then and other points in the round. Heís moved forward, heís now one behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Derek your turn to begin, the subject, a piece of cake. Tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: A piece of cake, in fact the whole cake, is made from flour and sugar and eggs and fat. And you can have all sorts of other ingredients in it. You have currant cake, you can have ah if you want...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Ah yeah have, too many haves.

NP: You have, you have, yeah right. So Stephen you got in well there, 46 seconds, a piece of cake, thatís an easy one for you. Tell us about the Kaiser as well! A piece of cake starting now.

SF: Well this subject is a piece of cake which means itís easy, simple, not difficult to do, a piece of cake. But it comes from the Cockney rhyming slang, piece of cake, mate, friend, bend, plumber, butcher...

BUZZ

SF: Iím not finished!

NP: I must say nobody plays the game the way you do Steve! But the audience enjoy it! But Derek got in first, 30 seconds on a piece of cake back with you Derek starting now.

DN: Coffee cake, orange cake, prune cake, cake of soap, crabbed cake, many kinds of different cakes. Ah a piece of these can be taken and given in the Cockney rhyming slang which we all like so well which means a piece of cake...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud got in first, yes?

CF: That was hesitation.

NP: Ten seconds, a piece of cake Clement starting now.

CF: A morso de gateaux is rhyming slang for chateau. But is in fact something which is simple to do, easy...

WHISTLE

NP: With the points that Clement got in that round including that one for when the whistle went, ah, now heís moved forward and heís now equal with our leader Derek Nimmo. But only just behind, trailing, Stephen Frost and Tony Slattery in that order. And Tony your turn to begin and the subject is mementoes. Sixty seconds starting now.

TS: Ah that smile beguiles me even now. One of my favourite mementoes is a lock of Nicholas Parsonsí hair. We were young, yes, we were in love! It was a night in Leeds. I found him a sensitive lover, attentive to my needs. Patient, a little prone to fainting! But never mind, I keep these aforesaid memento in my pocket. I go oh...

BUZZ

NP: Well may you have dried up after 30 seconds going on that one! You have 30 seconds Derek on mementoes starting now.

DN: An old memento I have is a piece of a tail fin from an incendiary bomb which burnt down my wendy house in 1942. And it was then that I knew total war had been declared. For a young lad to come out of an air raid shelter and see this lovely place where Peter Pan might have played on fire! It was absolutely traumatic. I also have a little photo of him which I found outside Salmons...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of little.

NP: Yes your little wendy house. Donít look like that! Clement you cleverly got in with seven seconds on mementoes starting now.

CF: I have very few mementoes except for shoes, socks, pants and trousers. These latter garments...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud has now taken the lead, heís one ahead of Derek Nimmo, and the other two are in the same position as before. And Clement your turn to begin, having a ball. Thatís the subject, have a ball with the subject, tell us something about it, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CF: Playing tennis, if you only have a ball, is incredibly boring. It takes a long time. Each time you serve, you have to wait...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A long time, each time.

NP: Yes well done Derek.

CF: Boring!

NP: Fifty seconds, having a ball with you Derek.

DN: One of the great ball givers in the United Kingdom is Nicholas Parsons. He is president of the Lords Taverners, and I am wearing the tie to show that I am one too today. And second perhaps only in fame to the Duchess of Richmondís Ball just before Waterloo, is the one that is given, being given, by our chairman...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost you challenged.

SF: Two givens.

NP: Yes it was given. What a pity, I was enjoying that! So Stephen you got in with a repetition and 32 seconds for you to tell us something about having a ball starting now.

SF: I went to a Halloween Ball last night. It was fantastic. Everyone dressed up in different costumes, masks, makeup, black plastic and shiny cloaks, Halloween...

BUZZ

NP: Derek challenged.

DN: Repetition of Halloween.

NP: Yes, Halloween yes. Twenty-three seconds available for you Derek, having a ball starting now.

DN: I really am having a ball here tonight! In St Jamesí Hall, looking at these delightful people who have given up their Sunday worship to be with us here. I must say it is very easy to have a ball in Guernsey, particularly on the Sunday when the streets are throbbing with people who wish...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen, Stephen Frost has challenged you.

SF: Sunday worship and Sunday.

NP: Yes, there were two Sundays there, Sunday yes.

DN: Absolutely right.

NP: So Stephen you have very cleverly got in with only one second to go. You are learning fast there on, the subject is having a ball starting now.

SF: Having a ball is the best...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that was a popularly won bonus point for Stephen Frost who has now moved forward, but heís still in third place, just ahead of Tony Slattery, but trailing Clement Freud and Derek Nimmo in that order. And Stephen your turn to begin, Victor Hugo. Tell us something about that great man in this game if you can starting now.

SF: Victor Hugo, the famous French novelist and inventor, apparently spent some time here in Guernsey. He was exiled here by the French Government for writing bad musicals or something like that. But not many people know he was also the creator of machines. For instance he made the unsounding bell which is a silent form of ringing used in the novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not many people know this but...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Not many people know this.

NP: Not many people know this. Clement youíve got in, Victor Hugo, and there are 34 seconds starting now.

CF: Victor Hugo wrote Les Miserables, known as The Glums in England. And he was in fact incarcerated or detained on Guernsey which was then a sort of penal settlement, not unlike Australia. If anyone did anything wicked anywhere Guernsey was the place to go...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen you challenged.

SF: There was a lot of Guernseys there.

NP: Yes, so Stephen you very cleverly got in there. And you have the subject back with you, only five seconds to go, Victor Hugo starting now.

SF: When Victor Hugo wrote his first novel, he did it on the original typewriter which is...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen, as I mentioned earlier, who has not played the game as often as the others, speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. Heís three points behind Clement Freud whoís equal with Derek Nimmo in the lead. And Tony Slattery is trailing a little. But Derek itís your turn to begin. Beauty is the subject Derek, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Beauty is only skin deep, said the philosopher. I agree with him in a way. But what else matters? And people I have worked with like Evelyn May, Vivien Leigh, for instance, the lovely Liz Hurley, their beauty is skin deep. Iím not really very interested in whether theyíve got a glorious pancreas or a golden spleen...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen has challenged.

SF: Skin deep, two.

NP: Skin deep. You went skin deep a couple of times there. And you have 40 seconds to tell us something about beauty starting now.

SF: What was a lovely young girl like Beauty doing going out with a hairy monster like the Beast? Who was in charge? Her father should have took her by the hand and said ďlook, heís got... fur...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Tony you challenged.

TS: Bit of a hesitation there.

NP: Bit of a hesitation yes, tongue tied completely. Thirty-one seconds, Tony you tell us something about beauty starting now.

TS: Beauty is skin deep is a phrase that really means if you really love someone as I do, you know who Iím talking about, the fact is you have to look beyond the glasses, further than the grey hair! Yes itís all very well wearing your variety of pastel shade jackets. But itís the heart that matters. And my personal soul was speared by an arrow from Cupid, the beauty that is our chairman! Never can anyone, Leonardoís da Vinci...

WHISTLE

NP: I hope theyíre cheering you in the audience for that outrageous piffle and not for the content! Tony itís your turn to begin, you can carry on again. Iím a bit worried because I donít know how heís going to work this subject round to Nicholas Parsons and the love affair! It is elbow grease! You have 60 seconds Tony starting now.

TS: Elbow grease I suppose is a synonym for any type of tough effort you put into manual labour. (sniffs loudly)

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: He just stopped!

NP: I know!

DN: Did some heavy breathing really!

NP: Tony plays for the laughs! He did a great visual thing there which is not very good on radio but it pleased our audience here. And you got in first Derek, 53 seconds, elbow grease starting now.

DN: It was the something they used to send out, the greenhorn, the apprentice, to buy it at the local shop. Say ďgo out and buy a tin of elbow grease..Ē

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Frost challenged.

SF: Two buys there.

NP: Yeah two buys yes. Stephen you got in well, youíre catching up and elbow grease with you Stephen starting now.

SF: When I was a young boy, my mother used to say to me ďclean that bath and put some elbow grease into itĒ. Because I was only a child, I took a knife and pierced my elbow, and poured the blood into the aforementioned receptacle which you bathe in, and scrubbed as hard as I could! (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Oh you got on to it first time and you canít go on with it. Clement you challenged first, 33 seconds available on elbow grease starting now.

CF: If you are a hagiographer and especially if you read hagiography, you will find...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo youíve challenged. What is your challenge?

DN: Two if you ares.

NP: Two if you ares, youíre quite right. How well listened! Yes! So you have 23 seconds to tell us something about elbow grease starting now.

DN: One does have to work very hard, particularly in a factory or if perhaps you see, other people who are striving on the streets, sweeping up the leaves after theyíve fallen in the winter winds. And then you really need some elbow grease to keep you going, to push the things that have fallen away from the trees into little heaps...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Just before, Stephen Frost, youíve challenged.

SF: Two trees, two trees there.

NP: There were two trees and you got in there half a second before the whistle. So you get a point for that, itís going to make a very interesting result for this. So you have half a second to tell us something about elbow grease starting now.

SF: Elbow grease of course...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as I indicated earlier that was the last round and we have no more time to play Just A Minute which is very sad because weíve enjoyed it. We hope our audience here in Guernsey have as well. And Iíll just give you the final situation. Tony Slattery whoís only played it two or three times before, but does give tremendous value and has ruined my professional career. And so heís finished just in fourth place. Stephen Frost who did very well, a tremendous surge at the end there. But he is now equal with Clement Freud in second place. But just one point ahead is Derek Nimmo, so we say Derek youíre the winner this week. So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four exciting players of the game, Tony Slattery, Stephen Frost, Derek Nimmo and Clement Freud. I also thank Ann Osborne for keeping the score so well and blowing her whistle so vehemently for us, and also our producer Chris Neill for producing and directing the show with such efficiency. And of course the creator of the game Ian Messiter for keeping us in such delightful employment. And also our thanks to this delightful exciting warm friendly audience here in the island of Guernsey. From you and to all our listeners, from them, from us, we hope youíve enjoyed it. Tune in next time we play Just A Minute. Till then from us all good-bye!

THEME MUSIC