JAM:KWilliams,CFreud,PJones,MPalin
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and MICHAEL PALIN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 February 1976)

NOTE: Michael Palin's last appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Michael Palin in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello, and welcome to Just A Minute. And once again Iím going to
ask our four panellists if they can talk for 60 seconds on the subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card. We begin the show this week with Clement Freud, and Clement, the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of is spanker. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: A spanker apart from being a gold coin, is a sail of a boat. And itís called a spanker because when the wind is...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Michael Palin has challenged.

MICHAEL PALIN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I would agree Michael. You get a point for a correct challenge and there are 46 seconds left for spanker starting now.

MP: Spanker was the name given to Monsieur LeCrente, our French master at school. His particular penchant was at the end of a lesson when the boys had forgotten their words or muddled up their er phrasebooks, it was to take them outside and er apply the cane.

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: Repetition of er.

MP: Actually Iím very glad, Iím very glad you got me out of that one. It was getting lame.

NP: A very good challenge, Peter, you get a point for that and you pick up the subject with 29 seconds left, spanker, starting now.

PJ: Actually it was the name of a favourite dog of mine, a delightful spaniel, brown with sad tearful eyes. He was given that particular...ah...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes. Clement, spanker is back with you and there are 17 seconds starting now.

CF: Itís the sort of noise that is more generally connected with that made by...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Palin.

MP: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I agree with that one too. There are 13 seconds left Michael. Youíve got another point, of course. Spanker with you, starting now.

MP: Spanker LeCrenteís other preoccupation...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of LeCrente.

NP: Oh yes.

MP: Yes, sorry.

NP: Peter...

MP: Le Crente! two two Le Crente!

PJ: How many minutes left?

NP: You have 11 minutes and you start now.

PJ: This little canine friend used to bang his tail against my bottom when I was a very small boy, and consequently we interpreted it...

WHISTLE

NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and as you know whoever is peaking at that point gains an extra point, and on this occasion it was Peter Jones whoís in a very strong lead at the end of that round. Kenneth Williams,
will you begin the next round. The subject is maxims. Nice to hear from you this week. Will you talk about maxims in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Most maxims are lies and at any rate certainly misleading. Watched kettles do boil. And rolling stones have been known to gather moss. And there is as much hope for you at 60 as there was at 16. For you to open windows which have been nailed shut for years, for you to let life in and love in and air in...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

KW: Whats the matter?

NP: Youíre letting too much in! And Clement challenged first, he has 29 seconds on maxims starting now.

CF: If you go to the Arc de Triomphe turn left and go down the hill on the right hand side, you will find an absolutely smashing restaurant called Maxims, which has been there for many years. The settees and porquettes have red velvet which the pysters, the champagne, the grouse flown over specially on the 12th of August from Scotland do not have. Iíve always found the restaurant most...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of restaurant.

NP: Yes. And you have literally half a second on maxims starting now.

PJ: Donít shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones got in very cleverly just before the 60 seconds, so was speaking again when the whistle went. Heís increased his lead at the end of the round. Michael Palin, will you begin the next round please. The subject: my last driving lesson. Will you tell us something in just a minute about that starting now.

MP: My last driving lesson took place in Sheffield. I remember it was on a busy street called the Moor. My driving instructor, Mr Monaghan, an Irishman with rivetting eyes, showed me the way to go down the Moor to the roundabout at the end. As we were approaching this patrt of the road a large lorry driven by a small old lady appeared from the left. As she passed us, this woman threw a corpboot in our direction. It hit the underside of the car, stuck
in the carburettor and there was an enormous explosion. This obviously meant that I was down on points. The next thing that I did wrong was to turn left into a right hand junction, and hit a sheep, one of a large flock that was showing down on a ...AAAAARGH!

BUZZ


NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, I think youíre right about that!

MP: Panic, more panic really.

NP: Umm..

CF: What was the corbutt?

MP: A corpboot.

CF: What is a corpboot?

MP: Itís worn by people in the corps!

NP: So! And there are 16 seconds for you Clement, having got a correct challenge. My last driving lesson, starting now.

CF: My last driving lesson was in the Army when I was asked to take 14 German prisoners of war back to a barracks, and I explained to my instructor that I hadnít passed the test to which he replied ďit will serve them right!Ē

WHISTLE

NP: That seemed a good moment to blow the whistle and Clement Freud was just speaking at that moment. Heís gained that extra point, but heís still one point behind Peter Jones, our leader. Peter, itís your turn to begin, and the subject is a visit to the occulist. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: I went to one only a few months ago and he said ďsit down and look at thisĒ... err

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I think there was a hesitation.

PJ: Yes there was, yes yes.

NP: 53 seconds starting now.

KW: I was asked to read from this card various things written in black and white block lettering and I did very well...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: They werenít written in black and white lettering, they were written in black lettering...

KW: Some of it was white on black lettering and some of it was white on black background!

NP: No!

KW: Yes it was, my occulist had two kinds.

NP: Well, I donít know.

KW: Yes yes, there definitely were! You all agree with me, donít you!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: No! No!

KW: Thank you very much, that's lovely!

NP: All right so the audience thinks you should have the benefit of the doubt. Kenneth, you keep the subject and there are 47 seconds left, a visit to the occulist, starting now.

KW: So I said, ďwell, waht do you think, how do you judge my sight?Ē and he said, ďwords cannot...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes, words did fail him, didnít they...

KW: Oh, what is it, I was trying to say, words...

NP: Clement....

KW: Whats that expression, words...ummm

NP: Fail me!

KW: Fail me! Thats right! Oh, words did fail me, didnít they! Oh, kiss me...mmmmm...

NP: So, Kenneth has now kissed Clement Freud and Clementís going to try after that to continue with a visit to the occulist starting...

CF: I think the most embarrassing thing when I went to the occulist was coming into the shop and being asked by the assistant whether I wanted streaky or shortback bacon, and I realised...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Palin has challenged.

MP: There was a hesitation after bacon.

KW: Iím not surprised. What was the occulist doing in a shop where there was streaky bacon!

MP: Yes, deviation!

NP: No, you didnít challenge on deviation.

MP: Iíd like to change my challenge.

NP: You canít change your challenge in this game, no, I disagree about the hesitation, and he was probably going to qualify the streaky bacon in the occulist, and so there are 30 seconds for you Clement to continue on a visit to the occulist starting now.

CF: To which the chap behind the counter said ďyou want next door, the occulistĒ. I realised then that thanks to hypermotropia with just a touch of myopia, the stigmatism in my eye had caused me to go into the wrong doorway and I er emerged...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Michael Palinís challenged.

MP: Hesitation.

NP: Yes and there are 13 seconds Michael on a visit to the occulist starting now.

MP: On a recent visit to the occulist I was told that perhaps I ought to have some contact lenses. I personally have been much in favour of having spectacles with thick brown rims and double thickness glass, to be able to see to read and to see things at long distance.

WHISTLE

NP: So, Michael Palin, by the look on his face here, just managed to keep going until the whistle went and gained that extra point, heís in third place. Itís quite close, Peter Jones is in second place, one ahead and Clement Freud, one further ahead in the lead. Kenneth Williams, itís your turn to begin. The subject is Guacino. Will you tell us something about him starting now.

KW: A most delightful painter! I went into the National Gallery and I had a look at that wonderful canvas called The Incredulity of Thomas. They also have three of his paintings at the Birmingham Gallery and I went in there. I was
most impressed. I thought the light! The way he used the light plays on the...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Michael.

MP: Repetition of light.

NP: There was too much light, Iím afraid Kenneth. Guacino is with you now Michael and there are 39 seconds left starting now.

MP: Guacino is a very difficult person for me to talk about as I do not know the painter Guaci... AAAH! I donít even know the name! But I do know a waiter of the same name who used to work at a restaurant behind Piccadilly, which is now being closed, due to certain unpleasant goings on, corpboots being found in the food! Guacino also is a type of dancing used to scare away the evil spirits which come sown every time in the middle of the year, round about June or July and kill off the crops and cause widespread flooding over the area. The Guacino dance used in this particular thing involves a man...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetuition of dance.

NP: Yes.

MP: Oh sorry.

NP: We had the particular type of dance before. Clement, you got in with only two and a half seconds to go on Guacino starting now.

CF: Guacino or the plural of...

WHISTLE

NP: Michael Palin, your turn to begin. The subject is jellied eels. Will you tell us something about them in Just A Minute starting now.

MP: Jellied eels, which I keep in my corpboots are as far as I know a wellknown Cockney dellicacy, though I once bought some, some jellied eels at a store in Petticoat Lane. I ate them and after 14 minutes I was suddenly incredibly violently ill. I was taken by the police to a nearby hospital. I was taken to the Jellied Eels Ward where people suffering from this Cockney type poisoning are fed welks...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

MP: Repetition of cockney.

NP: Yes you had cockney before, and Peter you have the subject of jellied eels. There are 31 seconds left starting now.

PJ: One of Reg Varneyís favourite dishes, and I once went with him to Church Street Market where he bought these live eels wriggling about in a ...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Deviation. The subject is jellied eels, not live eels.

PJ: Well, he jellied them himself, Iím coming to that!

KW: The subject is jellied eels!

NP: But theyíve got to be live before they can be jellied, havenít they? Heís coming to it! So Peter, you keep the subject and you have 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Writhing madly about in this pan.

BUZZ

NP: Er...

KW: Weíre still on live eels, itís supposed to be jellied eels!

PJ: Well, Iím trying to get to the jellied eels, you great fool!

NP: Thatís right, give him a bit of his own back Peter! I agree with you, youíre trying to get to the jellied eels, theyíve got to be alive before they can be saughtered and jellied. There are 20 seconds left. I was wrong before about that, there were 23 before. There are now 20 seconds on jellied eels starting now.

PJ: And the vendor caught their heads off one by after the other.

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is the third account of live eels, when the subject is...

PJ: No, theyíre not, theyíve got their heads cut off now, weíre getting gradually nearer!

CF: Theyíre still live after their heads are cut off!

KW: Exactly! Quite right!

NP: No, I disagree, he was quite clearly telling us how these jellied eels arose from the first stages to the last, and he hasnít taken a long time doing it. So Peter, you still have 15 seconds to talk about jellied eels starting now.

PJ: They didnít seem at all discouraged by being decapitated because they went on moving! Anyway he took them home to Eltham and there he boiled them in a huge saucepan which had I think a bayleaf, a bit of parsley and one or two odd things like that in it, until...

WHISTLE

NP: Well although I was satisfied he was talking about how you jellify eels, I donít think he ever got to the point of jellifying them! But Peter you kept going until the whistle went and you have now taken the lead at the end of that round. And itís your turn to begin the next round, it is getting rich. Well, youíre rich in points at the moment but can you take the subject in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Getting rich used to be an accepotable ambition when I was a small boy at school. But Iím pleased to say that since then peopleís values have slightly improved. And after all youíre nearer Godís hearth to a garden than anywhere else on Earth, and I think that is so terribly true. Although you may be drilling for oil in it! It doesnít really...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Palin.

MP: You canít challenge for incomprehension. Iím not sure about nearer Godís hearth to a garden!

PJ: In the garden!

MP: Deviation! In the garden.

PJ: Whatís deviation about that? It was rather moving, I thought!

MP: It moved me several feet! I wasnít quite sure where he was going.

NP: I feel he was still on the subject. So another point and there are 36 seconds left Peter, getting rich starting now.

PJ: Or panning for gold as I have done in the fields of Australia.

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: I would like some clarification on this. I mean, he said he was panning for gold in fields...

NP: No, in the...

PJ: In gold fields, you great nit!

KW: Oh! I donít think itís very nice to say you great nit to someone of my distinction!

NP: No, because youíre...

PJ: How can you be distinguished when youíre on a show like this?

NP: Peter, you still have the subject and you have 30 seconds on getting rich starting now.

PJ: He must stoop who would pick up gold...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of gold.

NP: Yes.

PJ: I did repeat gold because I was interrupted and...

NP: I know but you get a point for being interrupted so you have gained something from it.

PJ: Yes. I mean I never got the eels jellied and Iím never likely to get the gold now! I can never get anything completed in this show.

NP: There are 26 seconds for you Clement to talk about getting rich starting now.

CF: An uncommon but original way of getting rich is to go to the Church Street Market and buy eels which you decapitate...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Heís stealing my material! We donít want to hear all that again, nobody enjoyed it very much the first time! And to hear it again!

NP: It might be different coming from Clement Freud, you never know! Anyway he wasnít deviating from getting rich and he keeps the subject with 18 seconds left starting now.

CF: And you ask your neighbours in, and you say ďif you want me to get rich, come in and watch these extraordinary creeping...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: A hesitation.

NP: Yes I quite agree, he was getting a bit lost there. Getting rich is with you Kenneth and there are 10 seconds left starting now.

KW: The way to do this is to buy a share when it is absolutely rock bottom in the market!

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: You canít do it by buying one share. That wouldnít make you rich!

NP: It would by some peopleís standards! Not yours perhaps! Youíd be panning for gold in your back garden! Kenneth I disagree with his challenge and you keep the subject of getting rich and there are 4 seconds left starting now.

KW: The other way is to put something in your piggy bank.

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of way. There was one way and this time, itís the other way.

NP: Thatís right there was one way before, and now youíve got the other way, and Clement got in , two and a half seconds Clement, getting rich, starting now.

CF: Poseidon on the stock market is a fair example of...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point and an interesting situation with regard to the score. He is equal in the lead now with Peter Jones at 12 a piece. Michael Palinís in third place a way behind and Kenneth is just behind him. Clement, itís your turn to begin. The subject is evolution. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: If you take a caterpillar and a butterfly you have a fair example of evolution in that one has begun what the other one used to be. There are many books of a scientific nature written on this subject none of which I have read but most of which I have writ... read... oh...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Palin has challenged.

CF: I challenged myself!

MP: Hesitation.

NP: Evolution is the subject Michael and there are 40 seconds left starting now.

MP: Evolution as a theory was first propounded by Charles Darwin who after a voyage around South America in the er ship the Beagle..

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Kenneth Williams.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so Kenneth and you have evolution now with 32 seconds left starting now.

KW: There are those that maintain we all come from animals and I think its perfectly disgusting! there is no relationship whatsoever! When you look at someone like me and think of say, an ape! Who would draw any kind of...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged!

CF: Hesitation.

KW: Did any of you detect a hesitation?

NP: No hesitation!

PJ: I donít think he hesitated.

NP: I think he deviated, because I think there is a similarity! But you didnít deviate so you keep the subject Kenneth. Itís evolution and there are 17 seconds left starting now.

KW: It is the process by which a thing becomes from an incoad or imminent quality to another form and in the progress certain chemical construction...

BUZZ

NP: Michael Palin challenged.

MP: Hesitation.

NP: Well, I think he did drag it out to such an extent that you could call it a hesitation. So, Michael Palin you have a point for that... the Michael Palin fan is in again. Three seconds with you on evolution starting now.

MP: Evolution is a theory I find very easy to accept, looking round...

WHISTLE

NP: Michael Palin was speaking then as the whistle went, he gained the extra point. Kenneth Williams, your turn to begin. The subject: momentum. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: If you take to the seaside a sandbucket and fill it with water from the ocean, then whirl it round your head, you will find to your amazement the water will not...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of water.

NP: Yes, the water that you got from the ocean came back again. Momentum is with you Clement and there are 47 seconds starting now.

CF: Momentum is rather like Eve Olution, who was an irish girl, the daughter of Adam Olution. And the one I knew, the Mentum family lived in Esha, very near Sandown Park, and not all that far from Kempton Park, which is a racecourse Iím very fond of. She had long brown hair down to her knees when she stooped on all fours. But really it reached her shoulders and occasionally past her ears on the way to the...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: It doesnít seem to have anything to do with momentum. Implausible to say the least!

NP: It was implausible to say more than the least.

PJ: Yes!

NP: But he didnít actually technically deviate having established that momentum ....

KW: He didnít technically deviate??? This woman on all fours with all this hair called Mo!

NP: Obviouisly Mo...

KW: Iíve never heard such rubbish!

NP: ... Mentum was a very strange character. Weíll see what further he can do. There are 17 seconds left Clement starting now.

CF: When you go in for the long jump in sport, it is very essential to get as much momentum as you possibly can because it isnít simply height.

NP: Clement Freud gained some extra points including one for speaking about momentum as the whistle went. Heís increased his lead. Michael Palin, your turn to begin, the subject is Lear....

MP: Lear is one of the...

NP: I say...

MP: Sorry, just practicing... Lear is one of... Lear is one of... All right, Iíve got it now.

NP: Start now.

MP: I always used to lear when people asked me if Iíd seen one of Shakespeareís great tragedies, King Lear. As a matter of fact, I was in one of these shows when I was at university. And in a particular scene I played the sentry who had to come at the particular point, bearing a sword. I went behind stage to collect my sword and AAAAAA oh dear repetition, never mind, and instead the sword was not there so I picked up the nearest thing to hand which was a large piece of inner tube used in a bicycle. I rushed on, pushed past Gonerill, and knocked over Regan who were both in Lear and brandished the inner tube. It...

BUZZ

NP: Ah, Peter Jones has challenged

PJ: Repetition of inner tube.

NP: Peter, you have Lear now and you have 30 seconds to talk about it starting now.

PJ: One of the great supreme tragedies that has ever been written. And Shakespeare brought this very ancient ruler onto the stage at the beginning of this smash hit show in the Elizabethan period. And of course it was played later by Kings ...

WHISTLE

NP: We have no more time for Just A Minute and so it is my duty to wind up and tell you what the final score was. Well, itís very interesting. Kenneth Williams, was in fourth place, a little way behind Michael Palin who came back
and did very well. He finished third again. But Peter Jones and Clement Freud battled it out to the end but at the last moment Clement Freud with one point became our winner this week. We hope you have enjoyed listening to Just A Minute. From all of us here, goodbye.

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Lloyd.