JAM:KWilliams,PJones,SHancock,AMarks
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, PETER JONES, SHEILA HANCOCK and ALFRED MARKS, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 2 February 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Sheila Hancock, Peter Jones, and Alfred Marks in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman, Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we have two very outstanding guests who return we hope to triumph once more, Sheila Hancock and Alfred Marks. As usual, theyíll try and talk as usual on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we will begin the show with guest Alfred Marks and the subject is Alfred, how to frighten this audience. Itís a rather frightening subject isnít it. Anyway will you try and talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

ALFRED MARKS: There are many ways to frighten this particular audience sitting in the studio at the moment. Because we are four people upon this panel. And first of all we have Peter Jones who is a wit, a raconteur. He can frighten this audience by his erudition, by his knowledge. Sheila can frighten them by her beauty and Kenneth by dropping his trousers! Theyíre going to look at me with my deep booming voice and immediately they become scared! There are of course other devices. This place is fitted out with spikes that come up under the seat if people do not laugh! That is one way. We also have spooks running around known as producers. And we also have the chairman who can press the buzzer on you...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PETER JONES: Repetition of also.

NP: Yes. What were you going to say about the chairman?

AM: I was going to say how lovely you were and you were the only one who didnít frighten this and arenít you sorry now that you let him have the challenge?

NP: Now just to show how fair I have to be, Iím very sorry Alfred, I agree, I would love to give it to you but Peter...

AM: Youíre absolutely fair! I hope he has the subject for at least a second!

NP: Well Peter you have 21 and a half seconds left, how to frighten this audience, starting now.

PJ: I think the best way probably would be to frighten oneself. And this fear would inevitably communicate itself to them, just like any other emotion would do. And great actors are skilled in this tremendous craft and art of...

BUZZ

PJ: Oh I thought you were having a fit again! You started twitching Kenneth!

NP: I must...

PJ: Youíre always twitching!

NP: I must explain to the listeners...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Iíve been minding my own business! Iíve done nothing wrong! Shut up! Stop picking on me!

PJ: Whatís all that twitching?

NP: I must explain to the listeners by the way that Kenneth Williams who is sitting beside Peter Jones...

KW: I didnít do anything wrong!

NP: Well you were shaking! You werenít doing anything wrong!

KW: I was nodding, that was all I was doing!

NP: The listeners donít know what went on and you were shaking and nodding and twitching and all kinds of things....

KW: Twitching! Good grief!

NP: Showing, showing that you absolutely agree with what Peter said and it put him off his stroke and Alfred Marks challenged...

PJ: Weíve never agreed before!

AM: It was a hesitation.

NP: And it was a hesitation and Alfred has the subject back and he has five seconds on how to frighten this audience starting now.

AM: An absolute sure way to frighten this audience is to tell them theyíre going to have to stay behind and watch four more of these shows...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Ian Messiter has blown his little whistle when 60 seconds was up. And as you probably know whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point. It was Alfred Marks who started the round and he is in the lead. Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is tourist gift shops. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: These are run by cons who hang about these places where people go to have a look and sell what purport to be souvenirs of the occasion. Itís generally total rubbish! It isnít worth what itís printed on if it is printed...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of printed.

NP: There were two printeds Iím afraid!

KW: Oh Iíll be delighted to hear what sheís got to say!

NP: Sheila you have the subject and a point for a correct challenge and you have tourist gift shops starting now.

SH: I think itís a little unfair...

KW: Oh! Hark at her!

SH: ...of Kenneth to say that theyíre all cons. But I can be sure that there are the occasional crooks running these things judging by the fare that you see our poor tourist friends walking around the streets with! And I do hate to think that they go back from England with some ghastly replica of an upside down Union Jack and say that this is typical of what England represents...

BUZZ

SH: Repetition of England.

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of England.

SH: Very patriotic too! Very patriotic!

NP: What about Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland?

SH: I was only talking about England.

AM: You cannot repeat that too many times because there will always be...

SH: An England!

AM: ... a repetition, but no....

SH: (To tune of Thereíll Always be an England) La la la la!

NP: Peter you have a correct challenge and...

AM: Do I get one for patriotism?

NP: No you just get a nice round of applause from the audience which I think...

AM: Iíll start speaking in Chinese!

NP: I donít mind what you do! The audience enjoyed your sentiment. Weíll get on with the game with Peter Jones talking, 18 seconds left, tourist gift shops, starting now.

PJ: Well I donít really like them and donít patronise them. I prefer...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged you.

AM: Repetition of donít.

PJ: Oh well thatís just a little word. You know thatís not er...

NP: Yes but it was a correct challenge. He hasnít played the game as often as you but sometimes they do let those little words slip by Alfred but...

PJ: Itís a matter of taste! Taste, judgement.

NP: It was a correct challenge... Now stop playing with Peter Jones, Kenneth!

KW: He was feeling downtrodden, he was discounted!

NP: I know. You threw him off his stroke a little while ago and now youíre tickling him! So leave him alone! Or heíll never get going otherwise! There are 15 seconds for Alfred Marks to take over the subject of tourist gift shops starting now.

AM: I am not over fond of gift shops. And the one I saw in Australia depressed me more than ever. Because what they have are the kangaroo, the wallaby and they make these gifts from these poor little animals...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Now when he said the kangaroo and the wallaby, he obviously meant symbols of them. they couldnít have had them all in the shop because the place would have been a menagerie wouldnít it? So I think deviation!

NP: No I donít think so. It was quite clear in my mind. If I went to a tourist gift shop I wouldnít expect to see a wallaby or a kangaroo. I would expect to see a replica or something of...

AM: In fact there are stuffed wallabies and stuffed kangaroos in many gift shops!

KW: Oh how revolting!

AM: So if you want stuffing thatís the place to go!

KW: Oh donít!

NP: On every count you still have it Alfred and there are three seconds on tourist gift shops starting now.

AM: the most revolting gifts are made from the skin...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Repetition of revolting.

NP: No he didnít say revolting...

SH: Yes he did!

NP: Somebody else said revolting.

PJ: No, he said revolting in the early part.

AM: Yes I believe I did.

PJ: Why even he says he did!

NP: Oh, well thank goodness...

AM: I thought when you started again it didnít count.

SH: No it does unfortunately.

NP: No, no...

AM: Well in that case Peter Jones is quite right.

NP: If you said it once before in this round, you can use revolting in the next round...

AM: Yes. May I? Can I book it?

NP: Somebody else can also use it in the next round.

AM: May they? All right.

SH: They can use it in this round.

AM: Yes.

NP: Anybody else can use it yes. Peter Jones you have only half...

IAN MESSITER: A fifth of a second.

NP: A fifth of a second, and that little male voice in the distance was Ian Messiter saying a fifth of a second because heís got a stopwatch with him. And thereís tourist gift shops, one fifth of a second Peter starting now.

WHISTLE

NP: He still gets the point for speaking or not speaking when the whistle went. And heís, Peter Jones is in the lead, equal with Alfred Marks at the end of that round. And Peter itís your turn to begin. The subject is unconventional weather forecasting. Would you like to tell us something about that? Weíve heard plenty of them in our country! And thereís Just A Minute in which to do it starting now.

PJ: Well fir cones and seaweed. And that is about the extent of my knowledge of these unconventional means of forecasting the weather. Not that I have great confidence or faith in them, any more than I have in the weather forecasters who appear on the wireless, television, and you read about them in the newspapers. And when one sees a cloud hovering overhead whatever the shape may be, the texture or colour, it is fairly obvious that there is rain up above. And I feel that if one were able to make some contact with the clerk of the weather, who I believe is in charge of these affairs, then one would be able to get from him a message or indication hint of some kind about what kind of clothes one should wear...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Two kinds Iím afraid.

NP: There were two kinds yes. And he kept going very well, he kept going for 48 seconds. And so there are 12 left for you Kenneth on unconventional weather forecasting starting now.

KW: Well there is the old saying, green sky at light, shepherdís...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Itís complete rubbish! I mean itís a deviation because the quote was misquoted.

NP: Thatís right!

KW: You didnít hear my quote! Youíre thinking of red sky at night. I wasnít going to quote that, you great nit!

NP: Well what...

KW: There are other quotes beside that, you know! You have no monopoly on the quotes weíre allowed to use!

NP: Well justify it Kenneth...

KW: Who does he think he is? Coming in here! Heís not even a regular!

PJ: He knows one or two very peculiar shepherds!

KW: Exactly!

NP: Kenneth, to be quite fair, if you can justify the start of green sky at night...

KW: Itís one of my own quotes! Green sky at night gives you a fright!

PJ: Well done! Quite right!

NP: But that is not, you started off by saying...

KW: Youíre perfectly, youíre perfectly, youíre perfectly able in this show to quote yourself if you want to!

NP: No, you...

KW: Oh yes you are! I can go back and say as I said in the so-and-so. Sheís done it on this show more than once and I have seen her on her motorbike saying it!

PJ: Yes!

NP: You said a wellknown saying and you have not established it.

KW: My sayings are wellknown, arenít they?

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Thank you!

NP: Donít be such a rotten lot of liars! Youíve never heard him talking about a green sky at night!

KW: How many people have heard me say "stop messing about"? Oh they know! Theyíre lovable people! Charmed, marvelous house!

NP: I want you to all to be honest! Has anybody her ever heard Kenneth Williams say "green sky at night"? No!

CRIES OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Yes!

NP: How much did you pay them before they came in?

KW: How dare you!

NP: Alfred Marks you had a correct challenge.

AM: Thank you.

SH: He just said it actually, so there!

AM: All that crawling wonít help you Sheila! It wonít help you!

NP: It might appease the audience...

AM: You crawler!

NP: But itís not going to get past a chairman whoís trying to see fair play. Trying is the word. There are seven seconds left for you Alfred on unconventional weather forecasting starting now.

AM: The most unconventional method of weather forecasting belongs to my father who has an enormous corn on his little toe. Whenever this aches...

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks was then speaking again as the whistle went and heís increased his lead. Peter Jones in second place, Kenneth Williams and Sheila Hancock equal in third place, a little bit way behind. But Sheila your turn to begin. The subject is my favourite pet... oh sorry, starting now. I forgot that bit.

SH: Oh hold on, hold on! Youíre muddling me!

NP: No Iíll start again. The subject Sheila is my favourite pet in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: Well I used to have a simply delightful cat called Tarquin who was named after the rape of Lucrezia in which there is a line that says "Black that name strides the night." Which is what he used to do! I had him when he was a little teeny weeny kitten. And I used to put him on a lead and he came on my shoulder. And I was very affected in those days and wore a black velvet catboot with this animal on my arm. And he was a great success at parties. Then I took him on tour with me wherever I went, and he would go out in the garden and always came, come back. Never believe that rubbish about animals...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well she seemed to be worried, and I thought Iíd better...

NP: I think thatís the understatement of the series!

PJ: Yes! Seemed to be floundering rather! Hesitation it would be!

NP: Yes, I think there was a hesitation. And Peter you have a correct challenge and my favourite pet is with you and there are 18 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Well it was a goldfish and we had it for at least three weeks, and I got quite fond of it. But after a while it was always lying on its side at the bottom of this small aquarium. But after a few days it began to look slightly mottled and it had a very depressing look around the mouth.

WHISTLE

NP: If thatís his favourite pet I dread to think what the other ones are like! Peter your favourite pet has taken you up, with the point you got for speaking when the whistle went, into the lead alongside Alfred Marks. Alfred...

SH: This is a rotten game! I spoke much longer than him and I donít get any points!

NP: Well you do when you challenge other people.

SH: I know! But I was speaking for about 50 seconds and he spoke for five, and he gets a point!

NP: Yes but...

AM: But youíre a woman, youíre used to speaking longer!

SH: You see! Discriminated against!

NP: You, you, it might have been a wrong challenge, you might have got a point for that. Alfred itís your turn to begin again, the subject is guides. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: There are many types of guides. There is the tourist guide that takes you around the Tower of London and shows you the Bloody one and the others. There is also mountain guides who will take you to the top of Everest, to wit, Sherpa Tensing, probably the most famous of all. There are also the Indian guides. These are the ones of whom Iím most fond. At the moment I am reading a book entitled Geronimo which deals with said guides. And tribes are fascinating. There are the Iriquo, the Black Foot, the Athleteís one, there is Running Nose, Itchy Back and other wellknown appellichains. And of course what one must realise is the skill that these people have. They could track a man just by a broken twig, a smell, a sniff, a bit of fire put out, the clouds in the sky, plumbers, almost any way these people will tell you exactly what...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: I think he repeated these people.

NP: I know and there you are, just what you said a little while ago, this time itís gone for you!

SH: Well itís unfair for him too!

AM: No I donít mind actually, I was running dry!

NP: The audience, the audience enjoyed listening to him, it was terribly interesting what he had to say. You came in so you got a point in this round which you didnít have in the last. And you have 11 seconds on guides starting now.

SH: Well theyíre a bit of a sore point with me at the moment because my husband and I went to Rome just recently and I bought three guides. And we got utterly exhausted because we would go to one museum...

WHISTLE

NP: So Alfred Marks and Peter Jones are still in the lead together after that round. Sheila Hancockís made up a few points. Kennethís still trailing and he begins the next round. Kenneth, the subject, utilitarianism. You need a second or two to think about that one. But can you now try and talk on it for Just A Minute on the subject starting now.

KW: Oh this is the philosophy provided I suppose by Jeremy Bentham and largely succeeded eventually by JS Mill, holding that the best criteria is the greatest happiness of the largest number. Youíll notice that I didnít repeat myself which is very easy to do in that particular context. Of course it has its origins in a very Christian attitude. Most of these philosophical aptitudes do, I suppose, in as far as they do want what is the best for humanity. Indeed we have spent many long years devising such ideas, methodologies, and yet we are always defeated by the architectonic nature of such schemes. Hegel had his and indeed Karl Marx in Das Capital...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged with one second to go!

PJ: I just wanted him to speak a bit louder. Thereís a man asleep in the front row!

NP: So your challenge is, er?

PJ: Well he was kind of boring him into...

NP: It was not a legitimate challenge!

PJ: It wasnít no!

NP: He has a point for that, he has one second left on utilitarianism, starting now.

KW: The most honourable tradition in English thought...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, he got another point in that round, and he has now leapt forward, heís now equal with Sheila Hancock in third place. Alfred Marks and Peter Jones are still equal in the lead. And Peter itís your turn to begin and your subject is home movies. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well they can be terribly boring when theyíre inflicted on guests who donít expect them. And I remember when I was on a long sea voyage I saw a man with a big movie camera who took a photograph, moving of course, because it was a cinny, and he...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation.

NP: No! I disagree entirely!

KW: Well how can you take a photograph with a cine camera then? Itís deviation.

AM: Well a lot of photography isnít it? He wasnít hesitating, he was reloading!

NP: Look, stop having a discussion about it! Your challenge was hesitation and it was wrong. And Peter Jones still has the subject and there are 45 seconds on home movies starting now.

PJ: He was focused on a mere speck on the horizon which took at least half an hour to come alongside. And it was a boring dredger.

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Repetition of boring.

NP: Yes. You had a boring right at the beginning Peter.

SH: I want to know what it was though.

PJ: I told you, it was a dredger. A dredger.

SH: Oh thatís what it was.

NP: Sheila there are 37 seconds left and the subject is home movies starting now.

SH: We have just been given a sound camera and I donít advise any family to acquire one. Because every time you are having something nice happen to you, your husband says...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Wasnít it a repetition of happen?

NP: Yes.

AM: Yes.

NP: Iím afraid so. And Alfred...

SH: Happening I said then.

AM: Oh happen and happening. I...

NP: Happen and happening did you.

SH: Yeah!

AM: I withdraw.

NP: You were speaking in the opposite direction to me so I didnít hear you. You canít withdraw in this game. Once youíve made, once youíve pressed your buzzer, you know...

AM: No what I mean is I donít want to take the subject from her is what Iím saying. Obviously sheís in sharp focus. Pardon?

PJ: Well you shouldnít have pressed your buzzer in that case!

AM: It was a misapprehension, I really thought she said happen.... Why donít you mind your own business?

PJ: Now you say it! Now you say that!

SH: Are we getting into the spirit of the game?

AM: I donít need five governors on this show! Too long have I sat here in silence taking these insults!

SH: Woohoo! Brings it out in all of them doesnít it?

NP: Yes...

SH: Come on Just A Minute and discover your aggression!

NP: If you ever want to play the game at home you see what it brings out in you!

AM: I surprised myself then, honestly!

NP: Right there are 25 seconds left Sheila with you on home movies starting now.

SH: And you find your husband shouting at you, "say something funny for the movie" and then when itís repeated at home in front of gaping friends you discover that you have in fact uttered something totally inane, usually a swearword such as meaning go away I want to enjoy myself, without having that rotten camera pointing at me every time...

BUZZ

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Camera twice Iím afraid.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

AM: More than twice. I kept very quiet about it.

NP: Alfred you have four seconds on home movies starting now.

AM: How many times have we sat there watching people inflict these films upon us?

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks got more points than Peter Jones in that round, so heís now one ahead of Peter, but Sheila Hancock is creeping up. Kenneth isnít far behind. And Sheila your turn to begin. The subject: wrestling. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: Well actually I could have included that in my home movies thing but perhaps Iíd better not. Ah, I used to live in...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: A very definite hesitation.

NP: I donít know that it was definite, but it was a hesitation.

KW: Was it definite or not? Are you pronouncing a hesitation or arenít you?

NP: Iím pronouncing a hesitation...

KW: I would like to know where I stand!

SH: Oooooh! Whoops!

NP: Iím pronouncing now that it was....

KW: Well thank you!

NP: I havenít pronounced yet. I havenít pronounced yet! It was a hesitation but it wasnít as definite as you said!

KW: I see! So now we know!

AM: May I suggest a point for the Bette Davis impersonation?

KW: Better than Jack Busby dear!

NP: Have you ever played Mrs Malaprop?

KW: Iíll think about it!

NP: Right! Well while youíre thinking about that, think about wrestling and try to talk about it, 40, ooh, 44...

PJ: Hesitation!

NP: I have to keep talking it away from 60 always...

IM: Fifty-three.

NP: Fifty-three. Yes. I canít subtract very well but 53 seconds on wrestling starting now.

KW: When you are wrestling with a problem in the mind you can spend hours or weeks of depression and the most awful perspiration covers the face. And eventually you have a headache and you think to yourself I have wrestled for so long and so endlessly with this particular dilemma that I think the only way out will be to have a drop of the old furleyblanca or take this tablet and a little drinkette and your fag and you sit there and think well now, maybe the world isnít so bad place after all...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hasnít he deviated a bit from wrestling?

NP: I think he has yes, Iím sure he has.

SH: Itís a cure for headaches now isnít it.

NP: I know and all that drink he was taking. So well there are 17 seconds left wrestling Sheila with you starting now.

SH: I must admit thereís something irresistible about watching wrestling on television. Because you do have get the feeling that nobody is actually going to get hurt as itís all sort of choreographed, Iím sure. I think probably when itís a real sport maybe then they do a bit...

WHISTLE

NP: Actually if youíre interested Sheila they do get hurt but they donít hurt each other so much that they canít continue.

SH: Quite!

NP: Anyway youíve caught up and youíre in second place with Peter Jones and only one point behind Alfred Marks and Kenneth is not far behind you as well. But Alfred itís your turn to begin, the subject is little Titch. Will you tell us something about him in Just A Minute starting now.

AM: The most famous little Titch of all I suppose was the well known variety artist who was a star in the Edwardian era in the old music halls. He was called little Titch because he was short in stature. And his fame was that he had these enormous large boots in which he stood upon the toe of these things and on his feet. Oooh I havenít been challenged, how good! So therefore he used to do a tap-dance on these things which was very amusing. On the other hand...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of things.

NP: Yes Iím afraid...

AM: Things yes, well they used to be, you see, thatís the problem.

NP: There are 34 seconds left Peter and you have the subject of little Titch starting now.

PJ: Iíve got a gramophone record of little Titch at home and its starts in the middle. Iíve never been able to play it. And it works outwards you see, the thread of the er um...

WHISTLE

NP: Alfred Marks has challenged.

AM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes the thread of the um!

AM: The er yes!

NP: Yes!

SH: Iím fascinated to know how it works.

PJ: Well I was hoping somebody might have told me if I was allowed to go on with it! but er...

NP: Well youíve made your point and thereís many people listening. You might get a letter or two, you never know.

PJ: Yes I was hoping to get a gramophone! That played it you know backwards!

NP: You might get more than you bargained for, you never know.

PJ: Ah well I might do yes.

SH: Donít you love the way he calls it gramophones and wirelesses still.

PJ: Well this is a gramophone record since it was made in the Edwardian era!

SH: Do you call movies pictures still?

NP: No flicks!

SH: Going to the...

NP: Right! Letís get on with the game! There are 24 seconds left Alfred, you have the subject of little Titch and you start now.

AM: It is a name that cruel boys in school call others if youíre not a very tall one. And so many terrible jokes have been made about little Titch. For example what about Harry? He was run over by a Hoover last week! And also there he was pacing up and down under the bed! And also what about the one about...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: And also, and also, and also.

AM: Yes.

NP: Yes I agree yes.

AM: Pity because you missed a very very funny story.

SH: Oh well Iíll let you have it back again.

NP: If it was so funny, tell us. Weíll wait.

AM: This little Titch married a tall girl. His friends put him up to it!

NP: Iím sorry I canít give you a bonus point!

AM: No!

NP: But we all appreciated it and...

AM: Not as much as little Titch appreciated it!

NP: Maybe she did as well. There are six seconds left for little Titch with you Sheila starting now.

SH: I would dispute with Alfred Marks that only small people are called little Titch. In fact I who am...

WHISTLE

NP: Itís an interesting position in the game because this was the last round and with a final flourish Kenneth caught up quite a number of points but he still finished in fourth place Iím afraid. He was only one point behind Peter Jones who at one time was leading. Peter was two points behind Sheila Hancock who is one point behind Alfred Marks! Well we hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute and will want to tune in again. From all of us here, goodbye!

THEME MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons. The programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.