JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,CFreud,PMoore
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PATRICK MOORE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 February 1977)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And Iím going to ask them to speak as usual if they can on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you set us going and warm us up a little with the subject of my impulses in Just A Minute starting now.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: They have been varied and manifold. And they once led me on a station, railway platform, to a bookstall where I got a copy of Macreadyís life story. It was really most incredible because you know, he was a marvellous actor...

BUZZ

KW: And in New York there were riots at the Jacob Astor Theatre where they actually threw on to the stage a dead body...

BUZZ

DEREK NIMMO: Patrick Mooreís twitching!

NP: Kenneth, Patrick Mooreís challenged you.

PATRICK MOORE: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: Heís talking about Macready!

KW: Oh!

PM: You canít call, you cannot call Macready one of Kennethís impulses!

NP: Oh I see, heís got on to the subject of Macready and not my impulses. Thatís a good challenge Patrick, and I give you a point for a correct challenge and Patrick Moore has my impulses and there are 42 seconds left starting now.

PM: Well I propose to talk about my impulses, and not about Macready who has nothing whatsoever to do with the thing. Now impulses are strange things. They may be controlled or they may be entirely at random. And one really cannot judge them before weighing all the measures extremely careful and deciding just exactly what one proposes to do, given any particular kind of situation which may arise, or possibly will not. One just has to deviate from the subject in order to come back to it. And impulses are of course extremely vital in all our life cycles. And this has applied right back to the days of ancient man, in the days when our remote ancestors lived in caves...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of days, two days.

NP: What a pity! He was going so well, wasnít he! Talking absolute rubbish, most of the time, but going well! Derek you got in with four seconds to go with a correct challenge of days and you have the subject of my impulses starting now.

DN: My impulses are mainly a confidence shared only with my psychiatrist...

WHISTLE

NP: Well as our regular listeners will know the whistle tells us 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point and it was Derek Nimmo. He has two in that round, Patrick Moore has one and Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. Clement Freud would you begin the next round and the subject, rain. Will you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Could I begin by saying hello?

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Mooreís challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: I quite agree. If you say hello, youíd better carry straight on with rain, otherwise youíve had it!

CF: I asked you a question.

NP: But you said it within the er...

DN: He asked very politely. He said may I start by saying hello.

NP: After Iíd said you start now.

PM: Yeah I think there is a point here, Mister Chairman. My challenge was entirely correct and it was a completely valid challenge. But as er, as Clement was merely being extremely good mannered as he is always is, then on this occasion I would like to withdraw.

NP: What has come over them? This courtesy all of the sudden!

DN: Weíre just trying to humour the chairman because we know heís round the twist! At any moment heíll turn violent!

NP: If youíd been chairman of Just A Minute for 10 years, youíd be more than round the twist. I can assure you. Thank you very much! Thank you! A sympathetic response from the audience there. Ah Patrick Moore, our guest, has very generously withdrawn his challenge and given it back to Clement Freud, who having said hello, and nobody in the audience responded to the hello so I donít know why he said it. And there are 56 seconds on the subject of rain Clement starting now.

CF: Rain is something which is occupying us more and increasingly because there has been so very little of it, especially last summer when you will recall that the situation was so serious that we had to appoint a gentleman to be in charge of this commodity. As a result of which it instantly rained...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: A gentleman wasnít appointed to be in charge of rain.

CF: Yes.

DN: He was to be in charge of water conservation which is quite different. Nobody can be in charge of rain except the Almighty!

NP: No he was, ah, he was made what they call the Drought Supremo wasnít he.

CF: We have a man in charge of the economy and look at that!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: At least thatís gone down the drain which the rain didnít!

PM: Mister Chairman, deviation, there is no-one in charge of the economy!

NP: Yeah well that was the point I think. Actually I think Derekís chairman was a very good one, so Iím going to give it to him and tell him he has 37 seconds to continue, to take up the subject of rain starting now.

DN: Last summer, standing in Bombay as the southwest monsoon swept down the great plains of India, I found myself soaked right through to the skin. And so I trampled out through the streets with only a tiny umbrella made out of banana leaves as shelter. The water cascaded down sinking through my doatee into my very tiny...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought. But Iím sorry, perhaps I was wrong.

NP: You said it so nicely, Iím tempted to give it to you. It was so, so un-Kenneth Williams like. I donít think there was a hesitation. If youíd challenged for doatee because I donít believe...

KW: All right, donít dwell on it then! Just give it back to him! Hurry up!

NP: Iím going to, but itís this picture of Derek Nimmo in a doatee which I canít get over! I donít believe it! There are 13 seconds on doat... on rain er... good subject isnít it, yes! On rain with you Derek starting now.

DN: This year is the 25th anniversary of the reign of her gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second. How we, her loyal subjects, are going to sing her praises, shout hosannas, blow trumpets...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that precious extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Patrick Moore will you begin the next round, the subject is the welkin. And will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: I was for many years firmly under the impression that the welkin was a mountain in Shropshire. This I now know to be untrue, because this particular peak or eminence, or call it what you may, is in fact the Reakin which is an entirely different kind of thing.

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, heís not talking about the welkin.

NP: Yes heís established that what he thought was the welkin is now the Reakin so heís...

DN: So heís not talking about it.

NP: Heís not, heís still referring to the welkin and that was the reason he brought it in. I think heís justified. You know, I know you donít but I disagree and Iím the chairman. So Patrick Moore has a point... and thatís the only way to deal with Derek Nimmo, I can assure you! And there are 44 seconds for the welkin with you ah Patrick starting now.

PM: When one decides...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: There were two, ah, a pause, there was a pause.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation, I quite agree. Kenneth...

KW: Thatís what I meant.

NP: Kenneth regain your joie de vivre, your self-confidence that you have in Just A Minute and tell us now in the welkin which 43 seconds are left, sorry. Not in the welkin, in the game! The subject is the welkin starting now.

KW: Oh how the welkin ran, oh what a wonderful time we had! Occurs in the journal of William Macready! And when he was performing in New York at the Jacob Astor Theatre, they threw a dead ram on to the stage in the middle of his performance as Richard the Second. Imagine saying...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

KW: ... ďmy kingdom for a horseĒ with a dead sheep in front of you! It was dreadful! And they had to call out the troops from the Bowery to restore order in this dreadful scene!

NP: Kenneth!

KW: And of course it was also caused by the fact, you see, that he had a rival in New York!

NP: Kenneth, Derek Nimmo, a long time ago Derek Nimmo challenged you.

KW: Whatís he on about?

NP: I donít know. If you give him a chance, heíll tell us.

DN: Some hour and a half back, you were saying performance twice.

KW: Oh I see!

NP: I donít think he said performance in this particular round. He did actually deviate from the subject of the welkin on to Macready. I donít know why! He seemed to be keen about it. But he didnít repeat performance. Iím going to give it to you Kenneth and you keep the subject of the welkin and there are 26 seconds left starting now.

KW: Well the welkin of course as you all know...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of of course.

NP: Oh those are tiny things! If youíre going to say that, you might as well say and. He said and several times.

NP: He said or.

KW: Oh you canít take that. I mean, I put it to you as reasonable people!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CF: Reasonable people?

DN: Can we have that...

KW: Well theyíre a darn sight more reasonable than that little Hitler up there!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And after the way Iíve been so nice to you! Allowed to carry you on and... Ah you did repeat two words of course so I give it to Clement Freud, especially after what you just said. And 23 seconds left for the welkin starting now.

CF: Purveyors of seafood who were in the habit of selling crustaceans had a notice up which said ďthe whelk in time saves nineĒ. A very, I think, sensible precaution because oysters, mussels, cockles and even winkles. I canít pull... I canít...

BUZZ

CF: Has anyone here got a skewer?

NP: He couldnít get it out, could he, his winkle? There we are. The subject, oh sorry Derek, your challenge?

DN: Well hesitation and deviation.

NP: Yes, five seconds are left for the welkin Derek starting now.

DN: Charles Westleyís lovely hymn, how all the welkin rings, glory to the King of...

WHISTLE

NP: Well they all got some points in that round including Derek with the extra one for speaking as the whistle went which heís got yet again in this contest this week! Patrick Moore, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are all about equal in second place but quite a few points behind Derek Nimmo. Derek weíre back with you to begin and the subject is goats. Will you tell us something about that from your personal experience or otherwise in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Last year during the great Desherra Festival, I was staying in the New Territories of Hong Kong and I joined the Gherka Engineers for the Mar which is the culmination of this week of celebration...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: I agree with that hesitation yes. And Patrick you have goats and there are... Iím sorry! You have the subject of goats, Patrick and there are 49 seconds left starting now.

PM: Iím very glad you pointed out that I havenít got goats because I never have had goats. Iíve had cats, Iíve had dogs, Iíve had rabbits, Iíve had guinea pigs...

BUZZ

NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He said Iíve had three times.

NP: Yes youíve had a lot, havenít you!

PM: Yes!

NP: Kenneth a correct challenge and there are 42 seconds for goats starting now.

KW: Billy goats are of course a delightful species! And Iíve often seen them...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Theyíre not a species, theyíre a gender.

NP: People colloquially do talk about a species of animal. I know correctly speaking...

CF: But not when itís a gender!

KW: Of course they do! Absolutely Nicholas! Youíre quite right! What a very good chairman! Lovely chairman! Very fair!

NP: Itís amazing how you can turn from a little Hitler into a...

KW: Oh come off it! Canít you take a joke? Whatís the matter with you? Come on! Regain your joie de vivre! Whereís your, whereís your sense of joy and your bon homie?

NP: Yes...

KW: Throw it over the windmill girl!

NP: It disappeared when you called me Hitler! Um, Iím going to put it to the audience. If you agree with Kennethís, sorry, Clement Freudís challenge, then you cheer for him. And if you disagree and if youíre with Kenneth Williams, then you boo for him and you do it altogether now!

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Theyíre on your species! All your species in the audience and there are 25 seconds on goats Kenneth starting now.

KW: In a particular area of the world which is known to most of you as Mongolia, they drink a peculiar milk which comes from goats and after allowing it to ferment for some time, is known then as cummas and is drunk and has an extraordinary effect on human beings. And they say you become hallucinatory, have marvellous visions! Get all out of your self! And they say, well of course whether they...

BUZZ

NP: Iím afraid Clement Freud challenged just before the whistle.

CF: Repetition of and they say.

NP: Yes, you did say and they say before. What a pity! We were just about to have the... collapsing in a fit on the floor! Thereís half a second to go on goats Clement with you starting now.

CF: Yoghurt!

WHISTLE

NP: Yoghurt! (laughs) Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is William Pitt, Earl of Chatham. Will you talk about him in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Yes I will talk about him for you. Because interesting you should have raised that subject. He was known as the Elder and when he first came to prominence it was...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: He wasnít known as The Elder until there was a William Pitt the Younger!

KW: Oh this is just a lot of nonsense!

NP: That is perfectly true Clement, but to us he was known as The Elder. For instance my father knew him as William Pitt the Elder, and my father...

DN: They were the same generation!

NP: I know! To some people still living, he was known by that name. And therefore, you know, heís being pedantic and Iím not going to allow it! I want Kenneth to talk about William Pitt, Earl of...

CF: Who said there was no pedantry in this programme?

KW: Yes! Thatís quite right Nick! Yeah very good! Lovely!

NP: Because there is some people who would say that he was well known...

KW: Precisely!

NP: When you are at school you say...

KW: Precisely! In order to distinguish him from his son William Pitt who was also called the same. One was the Elder and one was the Younger.

NP: Forty-five seconds are left Kenneth, on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now.

KW: Under his aegis at the Foreign Office, English armies defeated the French in Africa and in Canada and in India. And we were an enormously prestigious nation when this man was in power. Of course a lot of people maintain...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Well itís an awful reflex action when he says of course!

NP: I know!

DN: I donít think heíd said it on that particular occasion!

KW: I said of course a lot of people maintain.

DN: Yes, but you normally say of course twice at least every time you get going and as soon as you say of course I automatically...

KW: You go raving on! You often go raving on about fairies and all these things. But I donít pick you up about it! I donít pick you up! I donít expose your weaknesses! I donít kind people who perhaps canít help stuttering all the time! I mean if youíre going to pick up things like that, itís ludicrous isnít it.

NP: Yes Kenneth, Kenneth, look, of course is two words and you have repeated it before, and I didnít allow it last time and I cannot allow it this time...

KW: Quite right!

NP: So Kenneth...

KW: Quite right!

NP: Derek has a point therefore and there are 25 seconds for William Pitt, Earl of Chatham Derek starting now.

DN: He came to power really, or I suppose came to Government as Paymaster-General soon after the 45. And the wonderful thing about him was he was a man of honesty. How much we need people like this in the country today! My goodness me! He did not take a penny out of corruption. There was no Watergate in his day, no Poulsen affair in the time of Pitt...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Well I think talking about Watergate and all this is nothing to do with William Pitt. I think itís deviation.

NP: Itís awfully difficult to judge...

KW: Do you think so?

NP: There couldnít have been a Watergate...

KW: Youíve got a brain in your head, havenít you! Use it!

NP: Iím working it out! There couldnít have been a Watergate because we hadnít lost the American colonies then! So thatís a very good challenge!

KW: Thatís right! Yes!

NP: So youíve got seven seconds for William Pitt, Earl of Chatham, starting now.

KW: There home, of course, was... oh I said of course!

BUZZ

NP: Oh dear! Clement Freud challenged!

CF: Oh!

NP: So Clement youíve got of course and youíve got five seconds on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now.

CF: If you go into the House of Commons, one of the...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Mooreís challenged.

PM: Ah I donít go into the House of Commons.

NP: Whatís that got to do with it?

PM: Nothing whatsoever, but I hadnít challenged for some time!

NP: It was nice to hear from you Patrick, but Iím afraid it was an incorrect challenge and Clement Freud has three more seconds on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now.

CF: One of the most noble marble statues is that of the...

WHISTLE

NP: Well William Pitt, Earl of Chatham, brought a number of points to Kenneth Williams and also to Clement Freud who got the extra one for speaking when the whistle went. They are now equal in second place ahead of Patrick Moore and two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Patrick Moore weíre back with you to begin and the subject is there is a copy... is there a copy of this universe. Is there a copy of this universe, Just A Minute starting now.

PM: This is a very interesting question and Iím glad you asked it. Is there a copy of this universe? Is there...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: It isnít a question, itís a subject. So therefore heís deviating.

NP: The subject is a question. Is there a copy of this universe.

DN: Oh.

NP: At the beginning of the programme I said they mustnít deviate from the subject on the card and thatís whatís on the card. So thatís incorrect, and Patrick has a point for that and there are 53 seconds left on is there a copy of this universe starting now.

PM: Is there a copy indeed of this universe. We must ask ourselves this. If correct, no... yeah...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore has challenged.

PM: Ah hesitation.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well thatís what I call quick thinking. You dry up, you challenge yourself and as it was a correct challenge, I give you a point for that! And now youíve got your wind back, your breath back, Iíll tell you that you have 46 and a half seconds to continue with is there a copy of this universe starting now.

PM: If we look at the Orion Nebula, the Andromeda Galaxy, the Star Vega, are we going to find there copies of Derek Nimmo? Of Clement Freud?

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation after me!

NP: Iím not surprised! Weíve only got to mention your name and we all... Derek there was a correct challenge though and you have 36 seconds for you to tell us about is there a copy of this universe starting now.

DN: Well I went into Smithís Newsagents and I said ďhave you got a copy of This Universe?Ē And they said ďwhich one do you mean?Ē And I said ďfor the 24th of July because I do like as an ecumenical gesture to take a few papers occasionallyĒ. So I bought a copy of This Universe and to my amazement...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of copy.

NP: Yes thatís right.

DN: No, itís within... if I may say itís within the subject, so shut up and read!

CF: No!

NP: Theyíre so charming arenít they, the way they draw attention to your mistakes!

DN: I think so...

KW: Oh I understand! I understand his motivation! The frustration is appalling! I mean heís about to begin something which is very interesting and what happens? Somebody buzzes on something daft! Some daft little moment and consequently his flow is gone! Heís lost his flow havenít you?

NP: Well then be rude to the man who cut off your flow, donít be rude to the poor harmless chairman whoís only trying to do his innocent job up here. There are 22 seconds left um Derek for is there a copy of this universe starting now.

DN: And so poor old Flo was not able to get a copy of This Universe. And sometimes if one thinks in the larger sense of the word, and if one is using it as a question as Mister Moore has just... formulated it...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Patrick and there are 10 seconds left and you take over the subject, is there a copy of this universe starting now.

PM: We can only find out by observing material bodies that are far away in the depths of the universe such as Chapella...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of depths.

NP: Yes you did say depths earlier on Patrick, Iím sorry. So thatís correct challenge for Clement and three and a half seconds on is there a copy of this universe starting now.

CF: I donít believe there is a copy of this universe but we might have a show of hands...

WHISTLE

NP: Theyíre absolutely wicked, you know! Theyíll never let anything lie, wonít they! You were speaking as the whistle went so you get another point and you are, you have moved ahead of Kenneth Williams and you are two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Derek weíre back with you, a very appropriate subject that Ian Messiterís thought of for you now, I fully endorse it, ham. Would you now talk about ham in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: Ham is a suffix often applied to English place names. It means something which has been a fortified homestead. A very old Anglo-Saxon word. If one thinks of Sydenham for instance this is the house that used to belong to the family of that particular name. It is also of course a particularly delectable fine...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Mooreís challenged.

PM: Ah Iím not sure this is valid, was it particular or particularly you said?

NP: Particular.

PM: Particular.

NP: He did repeat it.

PM: Yes he did.

DN: Did I?

NP: So Patrick you have the...

DN: I did not repeat it! Itís not even his challenge, you great big nana!

NP: You repeated particular! You repeated particular!

KW: He didnít, he said particular first and then it was particularly!

NP: Well then he should speak better! Heís such a rotten old ham, he canít even annunciate properly!

KW: I think the way you treat people on this panel is disgraceful!

NP: No, I think itís about time I gave out...

KW: Thereís my dear friend Derek Nimmo there, whoís turned up at great expense to himself and inconvenience, isnít it! True inconvenience!

NP: Iím trying to give back some of what I get every week! Now you know what it feels like! Right!

CF: Itís not very inconvenient for you to turn up!

NP: But if you say I shall accept your word because I couldnít hear you very well over here. Youíre so far... did you say particularly or particular?

DN: I did not repeat the word in question!

PM: I never said you did. I never claimed, I never claimed you repeated the word in question, I claimed you repeated particular. Or particularly, which ever you repeated.

NP: As youíre being so evasive and you will not help me out, I have no alternative but to give it to our guest as he is our guest, and say Patrick, would you take over the subject of ham with 42 seconds left starting now.

PM: I knew a ham manufacturer. His name was Macready. He...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Ham can be cured, it can be grown but it canít be manufactured. So therefore heís deviating, and talking a load of old rubbish! Added to the fact he knows nothing about ham!

NP: Canít you be more charming?

KW: Compared with myself, I know an enormous amount!

NP: Do you treat all your friends like this?

KW: Oh donít start getting particular! Get on with it! Hurry up!

PM: I donít think many people can manufacture ham, but Macready was one, I can assure you.

KW: Manufacture a ham! You can manufacture something thatís made in a factory, dear! Ham is something that is natural! Grown!

NP: Some of the ham Iíve tasted tasted as if it did come out of a factory, I can assure you! Kenneth I give it to you and there are 40, no there are not, there are 37 seconds left for ham starting now.

KW: When I visited Ham to see an old friend of mine, charming little place, just out of Richmond you know, he said to me, ďhowíd you like it smoked?Ē I said ďwell of course the Scottish method with these bits of pine... blowing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Thereís a hesitation and that was correct. Ham is now with you Clement and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

CF: It is very interesting that whereas it took a very long time, like five or six days, to...

BUZZ

NP: Patrick Moore.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Patrick, there are 17 seconds left for ham with you starting now.

PM: Ham naturally comes from animals...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Clement. There are 15 and a half seconds, and Iíve just got a message to say this is the last subject, youíre now equal with Derek Nimmo, 15 and a half seconds, ham starting now.

CF: Submerge the rear leg of a pig in brine. It is now quite possible to do this by injecting power thrust water with saline solution into the vein of the animal. And the benefit to mankind, or especially the third world who receive...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Clement Freud with that interesting piece of information kept going on the subject of ham until the whistle went, gained the extra point. And now let me give you the final score. Patrick Moore, returning, he did very well. He came in fourth place alas but after all he hasnít played as often as the others. He was only two points behind Kenneth Williams who gave his usual full measure and value. He was only three points behind Derek Nimmo whose early lead was slowly whittled away by this weekís winner, by one point, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed Just A Minute, and for those who take it all terribly seriously, let me assure you weíre all very good friends really. We just enjoy having a go in this ridiculous game of Just A Minute. And we hope that youíll want to tune in again at the same time next week and listen to all of us having a go all once again in Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here once again good-bye!

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell.

THEME MUSIC