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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and PATRICK MOORE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 23 February 1977)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Derek Nimmo, Patrick Moore and Kenneth Williams in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And I’m going to ask them to speak as usual if they can on some subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject. And let us begin the show with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth can you set us going and warm us up a little with the subject of my impulses in Just A Minute starting now. KENNETH WILLIAMS: They have been varied and manifold. And they once led me on a station, railway platform, to a bookstall where I got a copy of Macready’s life story. It was really most incredible because you know, he was a marvellous actor... BUZZ KW: And in New York there were riots at the Jacob Astor Theatre where they actually threw on to the stage a dead body... BUZZ DEREK NIMMO: Patrick Moore’s twitching! NP: Kenneth, Patrick Moore’s challenged you. PATRICK MOORE: Deviation. NP: Why? PM: He’s talking about Macready! KW: Oh! PM: You can’t call, you cannot call Macready one of Kenneth’s impulses! NP: Oh I see, he’s got on to the subject of Macready and not my impulses. That’s a good challenge Patrick, and I give you a point for a correct challenge and Patrick Moore has my impulses and there are 42 seconds left starting now. PM: Well I propose to talk about my impulses, and not about Macready who has nothing whatsoever to do with the thing. Now impulses are strange things. They may be controlled or they may be entirely at random. And one really cannot judge them before weighing all the measures extremely careful and deciding just exactly what one proposes to do, given any particular kind of situation which may arise, or possibly will not. One just has to deviate from the subject in order to come back to it. And impulses are of course extremely vital in all our life cycles. And this has applied right back to the days of ancient man, in the days when our remote ancestors lived in caves... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Repetition of days, two days. NP: What a pity! He was going so well, wasn’t he! Talking absolute rubbish, most of the time, but going well! Derek you got in with four seconds to go with a correct challenge of days and you have the subject of my impulses starting now. DN: My impulses are mainly a confidence shared only with my psychiatrist... WHISTLE NP: Well as our regular listeners will know the whistle tells us 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gets an extra point and it was Derek Nimmo. He has two in that round, Patrick Moore has one and Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams have yet to score. Clement Freud would you begin the next round and the subject, rain. Will you talk on that in Just A Minute starting now. CLEMENT FREUD: Could I begin by saying hello? BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore’s challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: I quite agree. If you say hello, you’d better carry straight on with rain, otherwise you’ve had it! CF: I asked you a question. NP: But you said it within the er... DN: He asked very politely. He said may I start by saying hello. NP: After I’d said you start now. PM: Yeah I think there is a point here, Mister Chairman. My challenge was entirely correct and it was a completely valid challenge. But as er, as Clement was merely being extremely good mannered as he is always is, then on this occasion I would like to withdraw. NP: What has come over them? This courtesy all of the sudden! DN: We’re just trying to humour the chairman because we know he’s round the twist! At any moment he’ll turn violent! NP: If you’d been chairman of Just A Minute for 10 years, you’d be more than round the twist. I can assure you. Thank you very much! Thank you! A sympathetic response from the audience there. Ah Patrick Moore, our guest, has very generously withdrawn his challenge and given it back to Clement Freud, who having said hello, and nobody in the audience responded to the hello so I don’t know why he said it. And there are 56 seconds on the subject of rain Clement starting now. CF: Rain is something which is occupying us more and increasingly because there has been so very little of it, especially last summer when you will recall that the situation was so serious that we had to appoint a gentleman to be in charge of this commodity. As a result of which it instantly rained... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: A gentleman wasn’t appointed to be in charge of rain. CF: Yes. DN: He was to be in charge of water conservation which is quite different. Nobody can be in charge of rain except the Almighty! NP: No he was, ah, he was made what they call the Drought Supremo wasn’t he. CF: We have a man in charge of the economy and look at that! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE DN: At least that’s gone down the drain which the rain didn’t! PM: Mister Chairman, deviation, there is no-one in charge of the economy! NP: Yeah well that was the point I think. Actually I think Derek’s chairman was a very good one, so I’m going to give it to him and tell him he has 37 seconds to continue, to take up the subject of rain starting now. DN: Last summer, standing in Bombay as the southwest monsoon swept down the great plains of India, I found myself soaked right through to the skin. And so I trampled out through the streets with only a tiny umbrella made out of banana leaves as shelter. The water cascaded down sinking through my doatee into my very tiny... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation I thought. But I’m sorry, perhaps I was wrong. NP: You said it so nicely, I’m tempted to give it to you. It was so, so un-Kenneth Williams like. I don’t think there was a hesitation. If you’d challenged for doatee because I don’t believe... KW: All right, don’t dwell on it then! Just give it back to him! Hurry up! NP: I’m going to, but it’s this picture of Derek Nimmo in a doatee which I can’t get over! I don’t believe it! There are 13 seconds on doat... on rain er... good subject isn’t it, yes! On rain with you Derek starting now. DN: This year is the 25th anniversary of the reign of her gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second. How we, her loyal subjects, are going to sing her praises, shout hosannas, blow trumpets... WHISTLE NP: Well Derek Nimmo was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that precious extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. Patrick Moore will you begin the next round, the subject is the welkin. And will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PM: I was for many years firmly under the impression that the welkin was a mountain in Shropshire. This I now know to be untrue, because this particular peak or eminence, or call it what you may, is in fact the Reakin which is an entirely different kind of thing. BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. DN: Deviation, he’s not talking about the welkin. NP: Yes he’s established that what he thought was the welkin is now the Reakin so he’s... DN: So he’s not talking about it. NP: He’s not, he’s still referring to the welkin and that was the reason he brought it in. I think he’s justified. You know, I know you don’t but I disagree and I’m the chairman. So Patrick Moore has a point... and that’s the only way to deal with Derek Nimmo, I can assure you! And there are 44 seconds for the welkin with you ah Patrick starting now. PM: When one decides... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: There were two, ah, a pause, there was a pause. NP: Yes there was a hesitation, I quite agree. Kenneth... KW: That’s what I meant. NP: Kenneth regain your joie de vivre, your self-confidence that you have in Just A Minute and tell us now in the welkin which 43 seconds are left, sorry. Not in the welkin, in the game! The subject is the welkin starting now. KW: Oh how the welkin ran, oh what a wonderful time we had! Occurs in the journal of William Macready! And when he was performing in New York at the Jacob Astor Theatre, they threw a dead ram on to the stage in the middle of his performance as Richard the Second. Imagine saying... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. KW: ... “my kingdom for a horse” with a dead sheep in front of you! It was dreadful! And they had to call out the troops from the Bowery to restore order in this dreadful scene! NP: Kenneth! KW: And of course it was also caused by the fact, you see, that he had a rival in New York! NP: Kenneth, Derek Nimmo, a long time ago Derek Nimmo challenged you. KW: What’s he on about? NP: I don’t know. If you give him a chance, he’ll tell us. DN: Some hour and a half back, you were saying performance twice. KW: Oh I see! NP: I don’t think he said performance in this particular round. He did actually deviate from the subject of the welkin on to Macready. I don’t know why! He seemed to be keen about it. But he didn’t repeat performance. I’m going to give it to you Kenneth and you keep the subject of the welkin and there are 26 seconds left starting now. KW: Well the welkin of course as you all know... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of of course. NP: Oh those are tiny things! If you’re going to say that, you might as well say and. He said and several times. NP: He said or. KW: Oh you can’t take that. I mean, I put it to you as reasonable people! LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: Reasonable people? DN: Can we have that... KW: Well they’re a darn sight more reasonable than that little Hitler up there! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: And after the way I’ve been so nice to you! Allowed to carry you on and... Ah you did repeat two words of course so I give it to Clement Freud, especially after what you just said. And 23 seconds left for the welkin starting now. CF: Purveyors of seafood who were in the habit of selling crustaceans had a notice up which said “the whelk in time saves nine”. A very, I think, sensible precaution because oysters, mussels, cockles and even winkles. I can’t pull... I can’t... BUZZ CF: Has anyone here got a skewer? NP: He couldn’t get it out, could he, his winkle? There we are. The subject, oh sorry Derek, your challenge? DN: Well hesitation and deviation. NP: Yes, five seconds are left for the welkin Derek starting now. DN: Charles Westley’s lovely hymn, how all the welkin rings, glory to the King of... WHISTLE NP: Well they all got some points in that round including Derek with the extra one for speaking as the whistle went which he’s got yet again in this contest this week! Patrick Moore, Clement Freud and Kenneth Williams are all about equal in second place but quite a few points behind Derek Nimmo. Derek we’re back with you to begin and the subject is goats. Will you tell us something about that from your personal experience or otherwise in Just A Minute starting now. DN: Last year during the great Desherra Festival, I was staying in the New Territories of Hong Kong and I joined the Gherka Engineers for the Mar which is the culmination of this week of celebration... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: I agree with that hesitation yes. And Patrick you have goats and there are... I’m sorry! You have the subject of goats, Patrick and there are 49 seconds left starting now. PM: I’m very glad you pointed out that I haven’t got goats because I never have had goats. I’ve had cats, I’ve had dogs, I’ve had rabbits, I’ve had guinea pigs... BUZZ NP: And Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: He said I’ve had three times. NP: Yes you’ve had a lot, haven’t you! PM: Yes! NP: Kenneth a correct challenge and there are 42 seconds for goats starting now. KW: Billy goats are of course a delightful species! And I’ve often seen them... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: They’re not a species, they’re a gender. NP: People colloquially do talk about a species of animal. I know correctly speaking... CF: But not when it’s a gender! KW: Of course they do! Absolutely Nicholas! You’re quite right! What a very good chairman! Lovely chairman! Very fair! NP: It’s amazing how you can turn from a little Hitler into a... KW: Oh come off it! Can’t you take a joke? What’s the matter with you? Come on! Regain your joie de vivre! Where’s your, where’s your sense of joy and your bon homie? NP: Yes... KW: Throw it over the windmill girl! NP: It disappeared when you called me Hitler! Um, I’m going to put it to the audience. If you agree with Kenneth’s, sorry, Clement Freud’s challenge, then you cheer for him. And if you disagree and if you’re with Kenneth Williams, then you boo for him and you do it altogether now! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: They’re on your species! All your species in the audience and there are 25 seconds on goats Kenneth starting now. KW: In a particular area of the world which is known to most of you as Mongolia, they drink a peculiar milk which comes from goats and after allowing it to ferment for some time, is known then as cummas and is drunk and has an extraordinary effect on human beings. And they say you become hallucinatory, have marvellous visions! Get all out of your self! And they say, well of course whether they... BUZZ NP: I’m afraid Clement Freud challenged just before the whistle. CF: Repetition of and they say. NP: Yes, you did say and they say before. What a pity! We were just about to have the... collapsing in a fit on the floor! There’s half a second to go on goats Clement with you starting now. CF: Yoghurt! WHISTLE NP: Yoghurt! (laughs) Kenneth Williams will you begin the next round, the subject is William Pitt, Earl of Chatham. Will you talk about him in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Yes I will talk about him for you. Because interesting you should have raised that subject. He was known as the Elder and when he first came to prominence it was... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: He wasn’t known as The Elder until there was a William Pitt the Younger! KW: Oh this is just a lot of nonsense! NP: That is perfectly true Clement, but to us he was known as The Elder. For instance my father knew him as William Pitt the Elder, and my father... DN: They were the same generation! NP: I know! To some people still living, he was known by that name. And therefore, you know, he’s being pedantic and I’m not going to allow it! I want Kenneth to talk about William Pitt, Earl of... CF: Who said there was no pedantry in this programme? KW: Yes! That’s quite right Nick! Yeah very good! Lovely! NP: Because there is some people who would say that he was well known... KW: Precisely! NP: When you are at school you say... KW: Precisely! In order to distinguish him from his son William Pitt who was also called the same. One was the Elder and one was the Younger. NP: Forty-five seconds are left Kenneth, on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now. KW: Under his aegis at the Foreign Office, English armies defeated the French in Africa and in Canada and in India. And we were an enormously prestigious nation when this man was in power. Of course a lot of people maintain... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Well it’s an awful reflex action when he says of course! NP: I know! DN: I don’t think he’d said it on that particular occasion! KW: I said of course a lot of people maintain. DN: Yes, but you normally say of course twice at least every time you get going and as soon as you say of course I automatically... KW: You go raving on! You often go raving on about fairies and all these things. But I don’t pick you up about it! I don’t pick you up! I don’t expose your weaknesses! I don’t kind people who perhaps can’t help stuttering all the time! I mean if you’re going to pick up things like that, it’s ludicrous isn’t it. NP: Yes Kenneth, Kenneth, look, of course is two words and you have repeated it before, and I didn’t allow it last time and I cannot allow it this time... KW: Quite right! NP: So Kenneth... KW: Quite right! NP: Derek has a point therefore and there are 25 seconds for William Pitt, Earl of Chatham Derek starting now. DN: He came to power really, or I suppose came to Government as Paymaster-General soon after the 45. And the wonderful thing about him was he was a man of honesty. How much we need people like this in the country today! My goodness me! He did not take a penny out of corruption. There was no Watergate in his day, no Poulsen affair in the time of Pitt... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Well I think talking about Watergate and all this is nothing to do with William Pitt. I think it’s deviation. NP: It’s awfully difficult to judge... KW: Do you think so? NP: There couldn’t have been a Watergate... KW: You’ve got a brain in your head, haven’t you! Use it! NP: I’m working it out! There couldn’t have been a Watergate because we hadn’t lost the American colonies then! So that’s a very good challenge! KW: That’s right! Yes! NP: So you’ve got seven seconds for William Pitt, Earl of Chatham, starting now. KW: There home, of course, was... oh I said of course! BUZZ NP: Oh dear! Clement Freud challenged! CF: Oh! NP: So Clement you’ve got of course and you’ve got five seconds on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now. CF: If you go into the House of Commons, one of the... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore’s challenged. PM: Ah I don’t go into the House of Commons. NP: What’s that got to do with it? PM: Nothing whatsoever, but I hadn’t challenged for some time! NP: It was nice to hear from you Patrick, but I’m afraid it was an incorrect challenge and Clement Freud has three more seconds on William Pitt, Earl of Chatham starting now. CF: One of the most noble marble statues is that of the... WHISTLE NP: Well William Pitt, Earl of Chatham, brought a number of points to Kenneth Williams and also to Clement Freud who got the extra one for speaking when the whistle went. They are now equal in second place ahead of Patrick Moore and two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Patrick Moore we’re back with you to begin and the subject is there is a copy... is there a copy of this universe. Is there a copy of this universe, Just A Minute starting now. PM: This is a very interesting question and I’m glad you asked it. Is there a copy of this universe? Is there... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: It isn’t a question, it’s a subject. So therefore he’s deviating. NP: The subject is a question. Is there a copy of this universe. DN: Oh. NP: At the beginning of the programme I said they mustn’t deviate from the subject on the card and that’s what’s on the card. So that’s incorrect, and Patrick has a point for that and there are 53 seconds left on is there a copy of this universe starting now. PM: Is there a copy indeed of this universe. We must ask ourselves this. If correct, no... yeah... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore has challenged. PM: Ah hesitation. LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Well that’s what I call quick thinking. You dry up, you challenge yourself and as it was a correct challenge, I give you a point for that! And now you’ve got your wind back, your breath back, I’ll tell you that you have 46 and a half seconds to continue with is there a copy of this universe starting now. PM: If we look at the Orion Nebula, the Andromeda Galaxy, the Star Vega, are we going to find there copies of Derek Nimmo? Of Clement Freud? BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Hesitation after me! NP: I’m not surprised! We’ve only got to mention your name and we all... Derek there was a correct challenge though and you have 36 seconds for you to tell us about is there a copy of this universe starting now. DN: Well I went into Smith’s Newsagents and I said “have you got a copy of This Universe?” And they said “which one do you mean?” And I said “for the 24th of July because I do like as an ecumenical gesture to take a few papers occasionally”. So I bought a copy of This Universe and to my amazement... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition of copy. NP: Yes that’s right. DN: No, it’s within... if I may say it’s within the subject, so shut up and read! CF: No! NP: They’re so charming aren’t they, the way they draw attention to your mistakes! DN: I think so... KW: Oh I understand! I understand his motivation! The frustration is appalling! I mean he’s about to begin something which is very interesting and what happens? Somebody buzzes on something daft! Some daft little moment and consequently his flow is gone! He’s lost his flow haven’t you? NP: Well then be rude to the man who cut off your flow, don’t be rude to the poor harmless chairman who’s only trying to do his innocent job up here. There are 22 seconds left um Derek for is there a copy of this universe starting now. DN: And so poor old Flo was not able to get a copy of This Universe. And sometimes if one thinks in the larger sense of the word, and if one is using it as a question as Mister Moore has just... formulated it... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore challenged. PM: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree Patrick and there are 10 seconds left and you take over the subject, is there a copy of this universe starting now. PM: We can only find out by observing material bodies that are far away in the depths of the universe such as Chapella... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud. CF: Repetition of depths. NP: Yes you did say depths earlier on Patrick, I’m sorry. So that’s correct challenge for Clement and three and a half seconds on is there a copy of this universe starting now. CF: I don’t believe there is a copy of this universe but we might have a show of hands... WHISTLE NP: They’re absolutely wicked, you know! They’ll never let anything lie, won’t they! You were speaking as the whistle went so you get another point and you are, you have moved ahead of Kenneth Williams and you are two points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Derek we’re back with you, a very appropriate subject that Ian Messiter’s thought of for you now, I fully endorse it, ham. Would you now talk about ham in Just A Minute starting now. DN: Ham is a suffix often applied to English place names. It means something which has been a fortified homestead. A very old Anglo-Saxon word. If one thinks of Sydenham for instance this is the house that used to belong to the family of that particular name. It is also of course a particularly delectable fine... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore’s challenged. PM: Ah I’m not sure this is valid, was it particular or particularly you said? NP: Particular. PM: Particular. NP: He did repeat it. PM: Yes he did. DN: Did I? NP: So Patrick you have the... DN: I did not repeat it! It’s not even his challenge, you great big nana! NP: You repeated particular! You repeated particular! KW: He didn’t, he said particular first and then it was particularly! NP: Well then he should speak better! He’s such a rotten old ham, he can’t even annunciate properly! KW: I think the way you treat people on this panel is disgraceful! NP: No, I think it’s about time I gave out... KW: There’s my dear friend Derek Nimmo there, who’s turned up at great expense to himself and inconvenience, isn’t it! True inconvenience! NP: I’m trying to give back some of what I get every week! Now you know what it feels like! Right! CF: It’s not very inconvenient for you to turn up! NP: But if you say I shall accept your word because I couldn’t hear you very well over here. You’re so far... did you say particularly or particular? DN: I did not repeat the word in question! PM: I never said you did. I never claimed, I never claimed you repeated the word in question, I claimed you repeated particular. Or particularly, which ever you repeated. NP: As you’re being so evasive and you will not help me out, I have no alternative but to give it to our guest as he is our guest, and say Patrick, would you take over the subject of ham with 42 seconds left starting now. PM: I knew a ham manufacturer. His name was Macready. He... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Ham can be cured, it can be grown but it can’t be manufactured. So therefore he’s deviating, and talking a load of old rubbish! Added to the fact he knows nothing about ham! NP: Can’t you be more charming? KW: Compared with myself, I know an enormous amount! NP: Do you treat all your friends like this? KW: Oh don’t start getting particular! Get on with it! Hurry up! PM: I don’t think many people can manufacture ham, but Macready was one, I can assure you. KW: Manufacture a ham! You can manufacture something that’s made in a factory, dear! Ham is something that is natural! Grown! NP: Some of the ham I’ve tasted tasted as if it did come out of a factory, I can assure you! Kenneth I give it to you and there are 40, no there are not, there are 37 seconds left for ham starting now. KW: When I visited Ham to see an old friend of mine, charming little place, just out of Richmond you know, he said to me, “how’d you like it smoked?” I said “well of course the Scottish method with these bits of pine... blowing... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: There’s a hesitation and that was correct. Ham is now with you Clement and there are 23 seconds left starting now. CF: It is very interesting that whereas it took a very long time, like five or six days, to... BUZZ NP: Patrick Moore. PM: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree Patrick, there are 17 seconds left for ham with you starting now. PM: Ham naturally comes from animals... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes I agree Clement. There are 15 and a half seconds, and I’ve just got a message to say this is the last subject, you’re now equal with Derek Nimmo, 15 and a half seconds, ham starting now. CF: Submerge the rear leg of a pig in brine. It is now quite possible to do this by injecting power thrust water with saline solution into the vein of the animal. And the benefit to mankind, or especially the third world who receive... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud with that interesting piece of information kept going on the subject of ham until the whistle went, gained the extra point. And now let me give you the final score. Patrick Moore, returning, he did very well. He came in fourth place alas but after all he hasn’t played as often as the others. He was only two points behind Kenneth Williams who gave his usual full measure and value. He was only three points behind Derek Nimmo whose early lead was slowly whittled away by this week’s winner, by one point, Clement Freud! We do hope you’ve enjoyed Just A Minute, and for those who take it all terribly seriously, let me assure you we’re all very good friends really. We just enjoy having a go in this ridiculous game of Just A Minute. And we hope that you’ll want to tune in again at the same time next week and listen to all of us having a go all once again in Just A Minute. Till then from all of us here once again good-bye! ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Browell. THEME MUSIC |
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