JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,TRice
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and TIM RICE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 15 January 1980)

NOTE: Tim Rice's first appearance.


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Tim Rice in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you just heard we welcome as our guest on the programme this week to play against the three regulars Tim Rice. Tim is going to pit his wits and his verbal ingenuity against that of our three experienced and impossible players of the game. And as usual they will try and talk if they can for Just A Minute on the subject I will give them and try and do it without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. Letís begin the show with Derek Nimmo. Derek the subject is rolls. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Charles Rowles was the first son on Baron Plantaget and he was the first man to be killed...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has...

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Two firsts.

NP: Yes, right away at the beginning there was a... Kenneth Williams has got in with an early challenge, he gets a point for a correct challenge, he takes over the subject of rolls and there are 52 seconds left starting now.

KW: As soon as I hear the word, I think of that lovely film, The Yellow Rolls Royce, with Ingrid Bergman who said to me when she was making some Swedish meatballs ďrolls is a lovely sound, is he not?Ē And I said rather wittily, ďyes, if itís accompanied by butter!Ē Which I thought was enormously amusing, at the time, and obviously you donít share that feeling! Rolls can be either on a plate, or in a garage, or as the English are supposed to pronounce the word which I canít say now, because Iíve suddenly realised Iíd repeat myself. But nevertheless rolls can be also had in a gymnasium. You can roll your body in such a fashion as to exercise in the process every single muscle, and so strengthen...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth Williams got in very early with a challenge, kept going to the 60 seconds was up, which the whistle tells us was the end of the round, and whoever speaks...

KW: Which means Iím in the lead! Come on!

NP: Not only is he in the lead, heís the only one whoís scored any points for the first time in his life! So if you wish to retire on your laurels Kenneth, I would! You have two points at the end of that round, and nobody else has scored. In fact nobody else has hardy spoken yet! Peter Jones will you take the next round, the subject is carrier bags. Will you tell us something about those in 60 seconds starting now.

PETER JONES: Carrier bags! My goodness, youíve touched a nerve there! Now I was talking to Ian about that only the other day! Because I think these supermarkets, whatís super about them? But...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TIM RICE: Um I would like to say that I believe he repeated the word super.

NP: Yes but supermarket is all one word, as far as I know.

TR: Is it really?

PJ: Yes of course it is, of course it is!

NP: Peter you have a point for a wrong challenge, youíve got me going now. And there are 50 and one half seconds left for the subject of carrier bags starting now.

PJ: Itís something that I care passionately about, that these big stores, they actually will ask you to pay money to get the stuff that you bought from them at tremendous expense out of the shop into the street. Well I think that...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams...

KW: Deviation, he is discussing the habits of certain retailing organisations, not carrier bags. Weíve gone right off the subject of the actual carrier...

NP: Well I felt he conveyed quite clearly to me...

KW: ... bags. Itís the most appalling deviation Iíve ever heard...

NP: ... that you had to buy the carrier bag...

KW: Would you mind letting me finish my sentence, you ignorant nit! Disgraceful behaviour! Iíve come all the way here from Great Portland Street at tremendous expense!

NP: If we waited for you to finish every time, no-one else would speak!

KW: Oh!

NP: Right...

KW: Go on! What are you on about?

NP: Peter Jones has got another point for an incorrect challenge, he has 35...

KW: Disgraceful!

NP: ... seconds on carrier bags starting now.

PJ: Iím sure that Ingrid Bergman herself would...

BUZZ

KW: Oh I see! What has Ingrid Bergman got to do with carrier bags? Tell me please! Iíd like to know!

NP: (shouting more loudly than he has ever shouted on JAM before or since) You will find out if you shut up!

KW: I would like to be enlightened on that score! Donít you agree with me?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: There you are!

NP: YOu will be enlightened, in about 32 seconds time you will be enlightened as Peter Jones continues on the subject of carrier bags starting now.

PJ: If you were buying rolls or delicatessen or perhaps something from the vegetable counter or the cheese, she...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

KW: This is nothing to do with carrier bags! Weíre discussing the delicatessen now...

PJ: Well what are you going to put all that lot in then!

NP: Peter you have yet another point with the help of Kenneth Williams, you have 25 seconds to continue on carrier bags starting now.

PJ: Itís hard work trying to revolutionise the merchandising stores of this country. I did say country before...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, Derek you have 20 second, er, seconds on carrier bags starting now.

DN: And so Ingrid Bergman came out of the aforementioned store carrying the most beautiful gucci carrier bag. All striped in green and red and glistening from it was a Cartier watch which sheíd discovered tucked away behind the cash counter. And there with it she also produced an Yves St Laurent...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek Nimmo kept going till the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And at the end of that round with Peter Jones getting a lot of points from Kenneth Williamsí impossible interruptions, heís in the lead and Derekís equal with Kenneth in second place. Tim is yet to score and Kenneth will begin the next round. And Kenneth the next round is very apt, itís called overwhelming the audience. Youíve done it more than once even today and weíd like you to talk on the subject if you can now starting now.

KW: I saw this actually occur in the auditorium of the Duke of Yorkís Theatre when Orson Welles produced a version of Moby Dick for the stage, and launched a boat into the stalls of the theatre. And...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of theatre.

KW: Well now youíve just, youíve just done yourself! You wonít hear this marvellous story! Youíre a fool to yourself! Heís a fool to himself, that boy!

NP: But we...

KW: Youíll never know!

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Youíll never know!

NP: We might if you get back in again and ...

KW: Oh! Iím not...

NP: We have come... we have come to play Just A Minute, and not hear your stories about Orson Welles! There are 43 seconds left...

PJ: We can get it from Ingrid Bergman if we want!

NP: In a carrier bag! Forty-two seconds left for overwhelming the audience with you Derek starting now.

DN: I remember sitting in the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. There was a huge tank filled with water, dolphins and whales swimming around these lovely ladies and taking off their bras and panties for the delectation of the people so assembled. Suddenly the whole thing burst, water came tumbling...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has...

TR: I think repetition of water.

PJ: Absolutely right! Well done Tim! Good old Tim! Well done!

TR: It wasnít actually a sensational mental achievement Peter.

NP: Yes...

PJ: No, I donít want to....

TR: I thought you were over the top with your praise there.

NP: Tim...

PJ: Oh Iím terribly sorry.

TR: Sorry.

NP: Youíre learning the rules very fast...

TR: Yes.

NP: Ignore the chairman.

TR: Who is the chairman?

NP: Iíve often asked the same question myself. Tim you have the subject, there are 24 seconds left, you talk on overwhelming the audience starting now.

TR: I have often overwhelmed audiences in my career. But before I talk about this very important subject, I would like to pay tribute to the great names of theatre that I am performing with tonight. It is a rare privilege for someone as humble as me to be able to sit next to a man of the stature of Kenneth Williams, to stare opposite a stage at a man so well dressed as Derek Nimmo, and to look at a personage as beautifully turned out as Peter Jones, a man who I have admired for many many...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: What has this got to do with overwhelming the audience?

NP: Absolutely nothing! But actually heís gone beyond the 60 seconds because I was waiting for him to get round to me! So Tim, Ian should have blown his whistle a little while before so you would have been speaking as the whistle went...

TR: Right...

NP: So youíve got a point for doing that and er you have two points at the end of that round and youíre equal with Kenneth Williams and Derek Nimmo. Peterís in the lead. And I think the audience would like to hear the rest of Kenneth Williamsí story.

KW: Iím here to play games, not to tell anecdotes, dear!

NP: So you donít want to er...

KW: He challenged me! He stopped the story! Iím not going to tell it now, no!

NP: Heís hurt! All right...

KW: Iím not hurt at all! Iím not hurt! Iím not hurt!

PJ: Oh be quiet!

KW: I werenít hurt, go on, go on! Iím a thoroughbred! Itís got to be taken at the moment when the muse alights upon my shoulder! Then...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: I wish heíd sulk for a bit and be quiet!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Tim Rice...

KW: Donít clap him! Donít clap him! Heís just jealous! Jealous because he hasnít got my good looks, thatís all!

NP: Itís your turn to begin and the subject that er very aptly Ian Messiterís thought of for you to start on is Juan Domingo Peron and you have 60 seconds as usual starting now.

TR: Juan Domingo Peron is a fascinating character. Perhaps not a very likeable individual but somebody who has given a lot of people a very different perspect, or if thatís the wrong word, perspective, on society throughout Argentina in the 1940s and also the following decade. Let us go back in time if you will bear with me to 1890 which is about the moment that the aforesaid Juan Domingo Peron was born. Yes, he first saw the light of day in those far off moments of the 19th century. He was born about 150 miles from Buenos Aires, the capital of that South American country which I mentioned before. And when he was five years old, his family moved down south to Patagonia. Not, as you might think, hot, but very cold in fact, very parky indeed...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Well he said very twice.

NP: Yes he did.

TR: Oh you cad! You rotter!

NP: No I thought, I think you deserve a round of applause, the first time heís played Just A Minute!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Fifty-one seconds and evading all those repetitions by bringing in other um phrases and words. But Peter a correct challenge, nine seconds on Juan Domingo Peron starting now.

PJ: Well he was married for a time to Eva. And she died in the same South America that he was describing so graphically...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones was then speaking as the whistle went, increased his lead at the end of the round and Derek Nimmo takes the next round. The subject is Table Mountain. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

DN: I think my favourite view of Table Mountain is as you come round from Michosfontaine across a little Carou and you drop down through Par and the valley, and there ahead of you...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two downs, as you come down you drop down.

NP: Yes right, so Kenneth you have 52 seconds to tell us something about Table Mountain starting now.

KW: Table mounting is very dangerous. You shouldnít mount any table...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

KW: Who challenged?

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

KW: Whatís his challenge? What is his challenge?

NP: I donít know. Weíll find out if you keep quiet.

KW: What is the challenge?

TR: Well my challenge is one I hesitate to use because of my great admiration for your performance...

BUZZ

PJ: Hesitation!

TR: No, Table Mountain, not table mounting.

NP: No, no, I must point out, it is how it sounds, not what the spelling is, otherwise it er makes...

TR: There is no G on Table Mountain!

NP: The way Kenneth speaks...

TR: No... heís very posh...

KW: I canít believe it!

NP: Mister Chairman you canít give a rational decision...

KW: My diction is known far and wide...

PJ: Itís not your diction weíre talking about...

KW: My dictionís noted! People say, I mean, Iím a cult figure!

NP: You are, yes!

KW: Iím a cult! They said it!

TR: Thatís precisely the point Iím making!

PJ: Tim he is a little hard of hearing!

KW: Itís not my diction! I thought he said table mounting! Thatís what he said! He sounds like that, Parsons! He doesnít know at all...

NP: Kenneth! Save it for Just A Minute...

KW: Oh right.

NP: Tim Rice had a good challenge...

PJ: He couldnít hear it properly!

NP: ... heís not very clear on the rules yet so Tim, sorry, all that happens is that Kenneth gets another point, he continues on Table Mountain...

TR: I think itís rotten!

NP: And there are 47 seconds starting now.

KW: Table shouldnít be ever taken to mountains because as you have a rocky crevasse like structure, it is unlikely that the equilibrium which the rectangular object needs will ever be...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Can you challenge for boredom? For being...

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Tim you can challenge for boredom and frequently they are challenged for boredom. Iím sorry I canít give you a point...

TR: I want to say deviation, deviation, equilibrium...

NP: Yes because Table Mountain has got nothing to do with tables up mountains.

TR: Right!

NP: You have 29 seconds on Table Mountain starting now.

TR: I personally have never visited Table Mountain. This is because I have never been down on a boat...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of never.

NP: Never visited, never done it, bad luck Tim! Twenty-three and a half seconds left for you Derek on Table Mountain starting now.

TR: And the most glorious way to go up the Table Mountain is in the cable car. You start off down at the bottom and suddenly up you go hurtling through...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: Two ups.

NP: Two ups! Well you can only go up or down a mountain and there arenít many other words to describe the process! So Kenneth got in, 16 seconds left, table mountain starting now.

KW: When you go up Table Mountain, the best thing to do is to have the right shoes on. Preferably mountain climbing boots which have on the sole a peculiarly gripping type of metal pin or...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams gained a number of points in that round including one for speaking as the whistle went. And heís surged forward but heís still one behind our leader who is still Peter Jones. Peter your turn to begin, and the subject Morse code. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PJ: Well itís a means of communicating by... dots...

BUZZ

NP: Tim?

TR: Definite hesitation there.

NP: Well you donít need to tell me...

TR: I mean hesitation.

KW: We do need to tell you, you canít hear half the time!

NP: I agree Tim, you have the subject and a point for a correct challenge and 50 and one half seconds on Morse code starting now.

TR KNOCKS A MORSE CODE SIGNAL ON THE DESK

BUZZ

KW: Youíre not allowed to do that!

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of...

DN REPEATS KNOCKING SIGNAL


TR: Not at all Mister Chairman! I was in fact doing my talk on Morse Code in Morse which was...

NP: I know, but you were repeating the dots.

TR: No, no, they were different letters.

NP: They were different letters...

KW: This game says speak for 60 seconds. It doesnít say tap out messages for 60 seconds!

NP: He wasnít challenged for hesitation...

KW: Itís ridiculous! I mean itís like heís some link to the occult! You do one rap for no, and two raps for yes! Youíll cross water and meet a dark stranger! I always wanted to do that!

NP: He was challenged for repetition and he did repeat the thumps. And we apologise to the listeners who might have...

KW: I should hope so! He should also apologise to the engineer up in the box!

TR: Iím sorry I...

NP: Well heís dropped his tool now!

TR: I was wrong, I was wrong, I...

KW: You were wrong! Bitterly wrong! You should be bitterly ashamed!

NP: Derek you have the subject, you have er 53 seconds to talk on Morse code starting now.

DN: When Mister Morse established his telegraphic system he did require in some way to send messages from one place to another. He devised this code which is comprised of dots and dashes of varying lengths with pauses in between them...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Theyíre not varying lengths. They are all the same length, thereís a dot and a dash.

NP: And you have the subject and you have 37 seconds starting now.

PJ: I believe itís much used in prison for the people who are in there to communicate with occupants of cells some distance away. They bang on the central heating pipes and others listen with their ears...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation after his ears.

NP: Twenty-two seconds left for the Morse code starting now.

DN: Of course you can send Morse code by signs as well as by the mount... way that Peterís talked about...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice.

TR: Um I would like to humbly suggest there was a hesitation.

NP: Yes and your humble suggestion I would agree with.

DN: Awfully polite, isnít he.

NP: Sixteen seconds on Morse code starting now.

TR: It is not known by many people just how Samuel Morse stumbled upon the code which bears his name. And frankly I do not know either how he... got the idea for the code which ... ahhh!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: He seemed to come to a halt!

NP: He did.

KW: He overreaches himself! Thatís his trouble!

NP: So four seconds, no, three and a half, for Morse code Kenneth starting now.

KW: There is a plaque in Cleveland Street bearing the name of Morse...

WHISTLE

NP: Ah so Kenneth Williams speaking again as the whistle went gained the extra point and heís now equal in the lead with Peter Jones. And Tim Rice is only just in second place equal with Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject, Sir Charles Algernon Parsons. Will you tell us something about him in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: I remember he got this knighthood in 1911 and didnít die until 31. Thatís a clever way of saying something twice if you think about it, but Iím not going to give you time to think about it. He did...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two think about its.

KW: Oh!

NP: Yes and deviation because what he was saying had nothing to do with...

KW: I know a certain amount about this man! Weíll just see if you know anything about him!

NP: Tim there are 48 and a half seconds for Sir Charles Algernon Parsons starting now.

TR: Sir Charles Algernon Parsons is a name very familiar to many people. And I am one of those who pay tribute to this great man every 14th of December which was his birthday. He was born in 1896 and almost immediately made a huge impact on society. He was a great cricketer. This is not known very widely about this gentleman. But because his initials were C-A-P, it was very appropriate that he should often be seen sporting a cap which he did when playing this aforementioned sport which uses bats made of willow and balls made of leather. I will not repeat that. I would like to say that Charles...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repeated I would like to say.

NP: Yes Iím afraid he did. It was a marvellous attempt.

PJ: Very good though!

NP: Very good indeed! Especially as none of us know whether Sir Charles ever played the bloominí game! The um, there are six seconds for Sir Charles Algernon Parsons with you Derek starting now.

DN: Sir Charles Algernon Parsons was known to his friends as Charlie, and most Parsonsí are...

BUZZ

NP: Iím just pausing for the laughter to get round the audience. Yes Tim you challenged?

TR: Um...

NP: The Parsons is not a Charlie?

TR: Well...

NP: A very good challenge! Marvellous challenge!

TR: I was in fact challenging to say that he, I think he repeated Parsons, but of course thatís on the card, isnít it.

NP: Yes.

TR: Thatís allowed.

NP: Yes it is.

TR: Yes.

NP: Unfortunately I have to be fair as I always am...

TR: Yes he ought to get a point there.

NP: In spite of what he said, Derek Nimmo has another point.

TR: I donít begrudge it to him at all.

NP: And he will continue on Sir Charles Algernon Parsons starting now.

DN: Like most people of that name, he was an absolute berk!

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo, being rude about me, once again, kept going till the whistle went and gained an extra point and is now one ahead of all the rest in the lead. Tim Rice will you begin the next round. The subject is water jousting.

TR: Water...

NP: Yes in Just A Minute starting now.

TR: Water jousting is a sport which has not made a colossal impact on the last pages of The Daily Telegraph or The Times or The Daily Mail or The Sun...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Four ors. You can have four oars if youíre rowing, but you canít keep on doing it!

NP: Right, so we canít have four oars in Just A Minute. And so there are 50 and one half minutes on water jousting with Kenneth Williams starting now.

KW: This is the procedure whereby knights in chain mail and full armour, of course, rush about with these great spears and make at each other with the water pouring down from above when it rains. It is always called water jousting because you see...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: I think deviation because water can only pour down if itís coming from above.

PJ: Water can come from below canít it.

NP: Yes so ah, so maybe you can continue now with 33 seconds left, water jousting starting now.

KW: It was a sport which has given an enormous amount of enthusiasm and energy to, by a young boy who began life as a swimmer, and achieved enormous...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice.

TR: I think weíve had enormous before.

NP: Yes you did have enormous before. You got in on the enorm which ...

KW: Yes itís one of my prerogatives, no, I mean proclivities, I should say. It is one of my proclivities. I am enormous as a persona, you see.

NP: Yes but would you keep your proclivities to yourself and get on with Just A Minute, and there are seven, 18 seconds left on water jousting with Tim Rice starting now.

TR: Water jousting is a sport that only involves two people at any one given time because if you had more than this number of personages involved it would become extremely complicated. And no swimming bath could possibly accommodate such a large number of participants. Nonetheless even though there are only a couple...

WHISTLE

NP: So Tim Rice kept going on the subject of water jousting until the whistle went, gained the extra point for doing so. And we have a very keen contest on our hands. Because Kenneth Williams is now just in the lead, one ahead of Tim Rice whoís in second place, our guest, alongside Derek Nimmo, and Peter Jones is only one behind them. And we have time for one more subject, Derek Nimmo begins the round, anybody can win. The subject is the Cullinane diamond, and Derek, 60 seconds, starting now.

DN: The Cullinane diamond was discovered in Pretoria some many years ago. It weighed about 3000 carats. And Andy Cullinane who was the grandson of the chap who discovered it, was a great chum of mine. He grows strawberries as a matter of fact. And his cousin was called Shirley Barnes-Further-Flutey. Lives in a house called Morganstern in Somerset West. But actually what happened was that the old grandpa poked with his umbrella in the sea, out came this enormous rock, out of which was cut the Star of Africa, the last...

BUZZ

NP: Tim Rice has challenged.

TR: Two outs.

NP: Yes he poked and out it came. Well listened Tim.

TR: I mean I was had up for ors.

NP: Yes.

TR: He can be had up for outs, eh.

NP: Yes.

DN: Absolutely yes. Iíve been had up for ups and downs! Itís that sort of day, isnít it really.

NP: Tim youíve taken the lead alongside Kenneth Williams, there are 32 seconds left in the last round to continue with the Cullinane diamond starting now.

TR: Anyone who has seen this magnificent specimen of carbon will agree that it is one of the most astounding things ever to have graced this wonderful planet of ours. And what a planet it is...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Two planets.

NP: Two planets yes and thereís only one planet. And now Derek Nimmo is in the lead alongside Tim Rice and Kenneth Williams. Anything can happen with 20 seconds to go, and the subject still the Cullinane diamond.

DN: If one goes to the Tower of London and examines the Crown jewels in Her Majestyís great crown, you will see a portrait...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of crown.

NP: Yes thatís right, so Peterís now come up with one point behind our three joint leaders. There are 12 seconds to go, the Cullinane diamond starting now.

PJ: Iíve only seen a replica of this remarkable jewel. But I can vouch for the fact that it is surely one of the most clear-cut and extraordinary...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones managed to keep going until the whistle went, gained that all important extra point. We come to the end of the round, and the end of the contest. And a most unusual situation which has never happened before in all the years that we have played this game. Our four contestants have all finished equal joint winners! An incredible achievement on their part and also on the part of the scoring and the efforts to see fair play. We hope that you have enjoyed Just A Minute and will want to tune in again when once again we take to the air and we play this game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.