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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES, JEAN MARSH and WARREN MITCHELL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 20 August 1973)
NOTE: Jean Marsh's first appearance, Warren Mitchell's first appearance. THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Clement Freud, Peter Jones, Warren Mitchell and Jean Marsh in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you just heard from our announcer we’re delighted to welcome to our programme this week for the first time Warren Mitchell. And we hope he enjoys the experience. He’s come here very courageously to do battle with Jean Marsh, and our two experienced players Peter Jones and Clement Freud. And oh just to remind you, as usual they will try and speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject if they can. And we begin the show this week with Peter Jones. Peter can you talk on what I don’t usually say. There’s a difficult interesting subject. Sixty seconds starting now. PETER JONES: I don’t usually say what I don’t usually say which is how very happy I am to be here on this beautiful afternoon playing this amusing game devised so well by Ian Messiter who’s sitting up there next to the chairman to end all of them, er Nicholas Parsons. And he’s er... BUZZ NP: Jean Marsh has challenged. JEAN MARSH: A hesitation. NP: Yes I think so. Once he thought of my name he hesitated and er... PJ: I hesitated just before actually! NP: Yes you hesitated then as well. PJ: Yes. NP: So Peter, I agree with Jean’s challenge so she gets a point for a correct challenge and takes over the subject of what I don’t usually say Jean, and there are 36 seconds left starting now. JM: What I don’t usually say is best left unsaid. Because I’m being paid to say what I usually don’t say, I’ll try to. I am a liar. That’s why I don’t usually say er what I’m saying right now... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of what I’m saying. NP: Yes, what I don’t usually say is the subject on the card, you can repeat, but not the other phrase. Clement, correct challenge, a point to you, and 26 seconds on what I don’t usually say starting now. CF: Oh that we now had here but one ten thousand of those men in England... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Hesitation. CF: ...that do now work today. What see of... BUZZ NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged. WARREN MITCHELL: Not only a hesitation, a bloody awful performance! LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE PJ: You can’t buzz people on that! That’s why we invited you! WM: I see! CF: That’s what I don’t usually say! NP: Well; all right Peter, actually you didn’t hesitate which was the first challenge... PJ: I thought he hesitated, after about four words. NP: All right, I heard your challenge, I disagree with it Peter so... PJ: I see! Very well, you’re entitled to disagree with it. NP: Yes. And er Clement gets a point for a wrong challenge, keeps the subject and there are 17 seconds, what I don’t usually say Clement starting now. CF: What I hardly ever say is they’re changing guards at Buckingham Palace, Christopher Robin went down with Alice. Something many of us have come down with over the years... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of come down. CF: No. Went down. NP: Went down. PJ: Well repetition of down. NP: Yes! I thought you were going to say down with which would have been a much more er clearer challenge, but I think we’ll give it to you on that Peter. And there are six seconds left on what I don’t usually say starting now. PJ: And I’m certainly not going to say it now, because I have kept my lips sealed for so long, I feel that the... WHISTLE NP: Well Peter Jones speaking as the whistle went which tells us by the way that 60 seconds is up, gained the extra point at the end of that round. So he’s in the lead with Clement Freud. And Clement will you begin the next round, the subject is the in thing. Would you talk on that for one minute starting now. CF: If you look at the average human being, you will notice that as often as not he wears a hat, sports a tie. You may notice the shirt, jacket, vest, waistcoat, trousers, socks, shoes with laces... BUZZ NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged. WM: It must be wrong, I can’t remember the subject now! NP: The in thing. WM: Yes well that’s got nothing to do with the in thing has it. NP: You mean he’s deviating? WM: Oh definitely, he’s been doing that for years! And he’s been getting away with it! He’s not going to get away with here this afternoon. NP: I’ll tell you what he got away with earlier, because he said notice twice and then he paused. WM: Did he really? NP: And you didn’t yet challenge for the pause. WM: Ah well. NP: Anyway Warren, I think that he probably was er being deviating from the in thing to some extent. CF: I don’t see how you can get to an in thing before you describe the out things! NP: Well the answer to that Clement is, you should describe the out things much quicker and then you wouldn’t be accused of deviation. So... CF: The minute would never be up! NP: Ah that is the great secret isn’t it. So Warren, we haven’t heard from you. You have a chance now to talk to us on the in thing and there are 42 seconds left starting now. WM: I wish I’d never challenged! Well the in thing, there is the pancreas, the simpancreas, the liver, the kidney, the lights, you couldn’t get inner than that! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation I thought. NP: Yes. WM: I was breathing, you fool! NP: You mustn’t take such... CF: You must stop that on this game! WM: Yes! Well I see you’re all trained to do it without breathing! Well carry on if you’re going to be like that! I won’t breathe! NP: I’ll tell you what we’ll do Warren, as you haven’t played the game before... WM: I don’t want any sympathy, thank you! NP: We’re not giving you sympathy, I’m giving you encouragement. WM: Yes? NP: And as it was a very sharp challenge, but if you continue... WM: I don’t want to continue! NP: That’s part of the fun of the game. WM: Is it right? The in thing, is it? NP: You’ve got a point for that, 34 seconds on the in thing starting now. WM: Yes, I found, when I was very young of course, and I haven’t found it recently... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged. WM: I found it twice, didn’t I! NP: Yes! WM: I’m learning! I’m learning! NP: Clement Freud found it that time, so he gets a point for that and there are 28 seconds on the in thing starting now. CF: As often as not, adjusting one’s panty girdle, the in thing stares you in the face. “Hello, in thing!” you say, even as the person wearing that garment is about to remove herself from the scene and make... BUZZ NP: Ah Jean Marsh challenged. JM: Well I don’t believe that Mister Freud wears a panty girdle. CF: Don’t you? JM: He can’t surely be being lascivious... NP: I thought the girl who removed herself from the scene was wearing the panty girdle. JM: Oh I thought he was removing his own. NP: Well he might, he might wear a panty girdle. I mean... JM: He might need one, but I didn’t think he wore one! PJ: Is this the same as the average person he was referring to earlier on? Because that was a man, he said! He wore a tie... NP: Well anyway whether Clement was wearing a panty girdle or not, the point is that he wasn’t deviating from the subject of the in thing. He might be making a very good case out for panty girdles at the present moment. And so Clement, I don’t think it was a devious challenge was correct. And so you have 12 seconds to continue on the in thing starting now. CF: Friends of mine that work in milk bars tell me that the chocolate topped malted milk sundae, often sold on a Tuesday, is absolutely the in thing in Golders Green whereas in Swiss Cottage, Hampstead... WHISTLE NP: Well Clement Freud kept going magnificently on the in thing in that round. So he increased his lead, got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went, and has got a very undoubted lead at the end of that round. Jean Marsh, will you take the next round, the subject rhubarb. Will you talk on rhubarb for 60 seconds starting now. JM: Oh what an unpleasant task! Pale pinkish brown sticks with pale green leaves on the end, chopped up and then cooked to a mush, placed in charlottes, pies and tarts. Not that I would ever do anything like that because I think it’s horrid. The furry taste it leave son my teeth, and anyway my father says it’s poisonous. The only rhubarb I do like, is when I was a model in Paris, I had an apartment on the Hall Barre which is just off the Boulevard St Michel. I stayed there for about three months, making a lot of money as a model, working for many famous... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged twice. CF: No, um, once, but there have been two repetitions. Pale pale, right at the beginning I let go... JM: It’s too late! CF: But model model... NP: Yes... CF: Model model was... NP: No it was model model, he let the pale pale go. He has to have his one-upmanship, he let the pale pale... CF: No, you said I pressed my buzzer twice... NP: Yes... CF: I was trying to justify that. NP: I know you were trying to justify... You’ve more than justified. You hit the first time for pale, the second time for model which was the last thing she said. So repetition is correct, and a point to you and 32 seconds on rhubarb starting now. CF: When I was a small boy and played Tuttiteeta in Antony And Cleopatra, or it may even have been Caesar and the lady of the same name, the extras who stood about the ends of the stage were encouraged, one, to say “Mrs Siddons”, and the other “rhubarb”. And the joint effect of those two words gave a sort of hubbub, um... BUZZ NP: Jean Marsh has challenged. JM: I thought quite a lot of hesitation. NP: Yes because he was just about to repeat the ub! And so Jean I agree with your challenge and you have four, three and a half seconds on rhubarb starting now. JM: Rhubarb is a disgusting fruit, I think, and should be banned... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of disgusting. NP: Yes, it was disgusting before. JM: Oh quite right. NP: Yes, quite right. JM: Yes and you are much more disgusting... NP: So Peter you got in just before the whistle and there’s one second, no, half a second on rhubarb Peter starting now. PJ: The cook at our school... WHISTLE NP: Ah Clement Freud is still in the lead, just ahead of Peter Jones. Jean Marsh and Warren Mitchell are behind, equal in third place. Warren will you begin the next round, the subject, the most disgraceful thing I was ever caught at. There is sixty seconds and you start now. WM: Yes, when I was at infant school, I had Miss Henderson... well, when I say I... BUZZ WM: ... when I say I... Miss Henderson... NP: You were challenged before... WM: I was, was I? Yes... NP: Clement? CF: Well it was going to be deviation, but I’m perfectly prepared to accept his explanation! NP: I don’t think... CF: He never had Miss Henderson! NP: No, I don’t think at infant school... CF: A misunderstanding! Yes! NP: I don’t think, at infant school, he could have managed to be devious with Miss Henderson! He might have had the thoughts. WM: I don’t want... yes... CF: I don’t want any of this consenting infants! NP: No! PJ: Why did he have to repeat Miss Henderson? NP: I don’t know... WM: Well if you’d seen Miss Henderson, you’d understand why! NP: Well if Miss Henderson is listening, I hope you’re enjoying what we’re saying about you here. WM: Yes! NP: And the subject is still with you Warren, the most disgraceful thing I was ever caught at or... WM: Yes... NP: ... caught and there are 53 seconds left starting now. WM: It’s an awfully long time, as that lady which I mustn’t ever repeat again, said to me, well, she used to, she was responsible for my education and so I was grateful. She was able to read upside down which is a tremendous talent for a erteacher because, and she would bend over and... to see what I had written. I was doing joined up... BUZZ WM: Sorry was there a buzz? NP: Peter? PJ: You were quite pleased there was a buzz, I think! He seemed to be struggling and I wanted to help, if I... NP: Oh did he, we thought we’d let him struggle. PJ: Oh I see. Well it seemed rather... NP: Well what was your challenge? PJ: Er hesitation. NP: Yes! WM: Absolute rubbish! I was... PJ: Yes it was rubbish also! But there was also hesitation! NP: Peter you have a point and 29 seconds for Miss Henderson, oh I’m sorry, no, 29 seconds for the most disgraceful thing I was ever caught at starting now. PJ: Well at my school, the cook was a cordon noir. He used to specialise in these extraordinary dishes that I would have told you about when you were discussing rhubarb earlier on. But it so happened that in the potting shed behind the cricket pavilion, in front of the fives court, and just on the other side of the playing field, there was a little spot which was concealed from those enthusiasts who were playing the game... WHISTLE NP: A well deserved point Peter, another one for speaking when the whistle went, puts him alongside Clement Freud at the end of that round. And your turn to begin Peter, the subject, Copenhagen. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Copenhagen, what a beautiful city! Built as it is on that wonderful harbour with a mermaid looking over it, sitting on a rock. Birthplace of Hans Christian Anderson and Emanuel Cant, friends, I believe, when they were children. I wonder what went wrong! And then after that it became a tourist paradise. The Gardens of Tivoli have given their name to prea... pleasure... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Hesitation. NP: Yes, all that pleasure he thought of and he hesitated. There are 36 seconds for you now Clement on Copenhagen starting now. CF: One of my favourite songs goes “wonderful repeat Copenhagen”. This was in the charts and sung by many of the greatest songsters in the country, also in cities, towns and urban rural districts. It is the capital of Denmark which is part of the Scandinavian complex and pretty complicated it is. Because if you go there, no-one speaks the same language as anyone else. As a result of which they sit around and chat to one another in English which is called the lingua franca... WHISTLE NP: Ah Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went then, increased his lead then at the end of that round. Peter Jones in second place, Jean Marsh and Warren Mitchell in third place. And Jean will you begin the next round, the necessities. Would you talk on that for one minute starting now. JM: Oh my necessities have changed over the years. When I was young, I only wanted a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on at night, and just enough to eat, and quite a lot of clothes I would have liked. These days they’re not my necessities. I don’t care abut a roof over my head... BUZZ NP: Warren Mitchell has challenged. WM: Yes, you can say the title, can’t you? NP: Yes but you can’t say roof over your head. WM: Roof over her head twice, of course she can’t!\ NP: No! JM: You... WM: I’m glad we’ve got this thought transference thing going there! NP: So Warren you have a point... JM: Oh outrageous! NP: I know, but we have ti be outrageous occasionally! Forty-six seconds on the necessities Warren starting now. WM: Yes my necessity with Miss Henderson was that I should... endeavour whenever possible to stand up and look down the front of her extraordinary er dress which was... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. WM: It was an er-dress! It was an er-dress! PJ: Yes! WM: ‘Er dress! I was Cockney in those days before I went to the Royal Academy of Dramatic, it wasn’t a hesitation! ‘Er Dress! PJ: I think it was a hesitation. I think the audience think it was a hesitation. NP: All right, I’ll put it to the audience if you like. On one of these difficult things, Warren’s making out a case for himself. If you agree... PJ: They want to know what happened with him and Miss Henderson! WM: If you’d shut up, they’d find out, you see! PJ: If you wouldn’t hesitate, I would! NP: Well all right, I’ll let the audience be the final judges. If you agree with Peter’s challenge of hesitation, will you cheer. And if you disagree will you boo, and will you all do it together now. CF: Boo! CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: The squeaks have it! All right, the boos have it, they want to hear about Miss Henderson. Sorry, Peter I think justice was on your side. But er Warren... WM: What was the original subject that Miss Marsh was talking on? JM: The necessities. WM: The necessities, of course. NP: Yes I give it to you actually, so you needn’t worry Warren. WM: The necessities! NP: Thirty-five seconds on the necessities starting now. WM: Yes well it was necessary to learn to read and write. And... that’s what this lovely lady did try and do for all of us in that extraordinary elementary school somewhere in the East End of London. Now she could, as I said before... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: If you’ve said it before, it must be repetition! WM: But I was going to, I was going to rephrase it differently. So I wouldn’t... CF: That would be just another repetition, wouldn’t it? WM: It wouldn’t have been a repetition at all. NP: I think, I think out of your own mouth, you’ve committed the sin of repetition. WM: Did I really? NP: Yes so Clement, a good challenge, the audience applause confirms it, 20 seconds on the necessities starting now. CF: The necessities are rice, sugar, milk, cream, sago, semolina, potatoes, rhubarb, peas, beans, spinach, parsley, coriander, cumin, pepper... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject fright. Would you talk about that for just one minute starting now. CF: This is just one mispronunciation of my name, there are many others. Also fright is a sensation of fear imposed by whatever outside phenomenon that you would care to mention. Ah it is imposed sometimes by bats... BUZZ NP: Jean Marsh has challenged. JM: I think he said imposed. NP: Twice. JM: Twice. NP: Yes he did Jean... CF: At least! NP: And you have the subject and there are 44 seconds for you on fright starting now. JM: The only fright I’ve ever suffered from is radio fright. I need a lot of courage to come to this studio and take part in this game, because I listen to it, and I think the other participants are not only witty, intelligent, attractive and informative but a highly delightful bunch of people altogether. And I feel that it... PJ: Do carry on! I’m putting the buzzer down JM: I feel I suffer from gall in having the nerve to even walk through the studio door.... WM: ‘Int she lovely! JM: But having actually got here, I feel it is... WM: She’s smashing! You want the glasses too, don’t you! JM: ... beholden to me to hold the end up of women’s suffrage and be... WM: Hold your end up, dear! JM: ... as interesting and informative and attractive as possible. But I have a theory that the producer asked me to this, under... WHISTLE NP: That was a clever bit of feminine flattery, that! Got her two points there. Well done Jean, you’ve moved forward but you’re still in fourth place alas. One point behind the men and behind Warren who’s a little bit behind Peter and Clement Freud still in the lead. And Warren Mitchell, your turn to begin, the subject, getting cut off. That’s what Ian’s thought of for you, I don’t know what they expect you to do with it. But try and talk on it if you can for 60 seconds starting now. WM: Well as my friend on my left will know, getting cut off can be construed in many different ways. The results, I’m assured by all those who know, are quite beneficial, and who am I, a poor frail thing, to argue with some of the most eminent theological and medical authorities in the country? I would if I was given the opportunity, probably have refused this signal honour which was thrust upon me. But there you are, when you are... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Deviation, if it’s cut off, it can’t be thrust upon you! NP: I think the situation psychologically was thrust upon him even if... CF: I see! NP: ...something else actually occurred. Warren I disagree with the challenge so you keep the subject and there are 16 seconds on getting cut off starting now. WM: Well some have greatness thrust upon them as my... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of thrust. NP: Upon, yes. Well done Peter, you have the subject now, 12 seconds on getting cut off starting now. PJ: I think of it more in connection with the telephone and speaking to someone quite interesting who happens to have been able to get through on a very difficult line. And then suddenly the operator... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones got the point for speaking as the whistle went. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, my other self. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now. CF: I was speaking recently at a dinner in Leeds. And at the end of my address, a member of the audience got up and said “Mister Freud, we always read and hear the people who appear on television are actually quite different in real life. What are you like?” And I explained that I was four foot nine and spoke with a Yorkshire accent, and there was total silence. The people in that room agreed wholeheartedly. My other self actually is very tall, slim, hirsute to a fault, with a waistline and tiny feet, immaculately dressed, sartorially impeccable, eyesight perfect, nose Romo-Grecian, teeth... BUZZ NP: Oh! Peter challenged. You kept going for 53 seconds, no 57 seconds and you got to your teeth and you dried up. Peter you have three seconds starting now. PJ: Well he goes under the same name on these sports programmes... WHISTLE PJ: Nothing to do with me! NP: Well now, well, at the end of that round, Peter Jones got the extra point, he’s only just a little behind Clement Freud still. Jean Marsh and Warren Mitchell are both trailing a little. Jean Marsh your turn to begin, the subject, how to. Can you talk on how to, 60 seconds starting now. JM: I do know a very good way. if you’re alone in your house and lying on a sofa and you have enough time to put on the radio, have good music in the background, slip into the kitchen and possibly make yourself something quite delicious to eat, relax while you’re eating, listen to the music and make your plan how to, this is what you do. You whah eeek ah... BUZZ NP: Warren Mitchell got in first. WM: Yes. NP: Yes. WM: Well she wasn’t actually talking English at the time she stopped. NP: No, so you say it was hesitation. WM: A hesitation. NP: Yes, that’s right, there are 33 seconds on how to with you Warren starting now. WM: Well I’ve never been in favour of it personally. How to, well, only uncivilised people would if they could on various occasions. I’ve not approved of it, I’ve tried, I’ve fought, I’ve written to my MP, How to try, in this life when really things are tremendously confusing and I find it very difficult as an ordinary person, a man in the street, you might say, or just... WHISTLE NP: Warren Mitchell gave a brilliant demonstration of how to keep going and say nothing at the same time. And he got the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. I’m afraid we have no more time today. Let me give you the final score. Jean Marsh, alas, in spite of some excellent moments finished in fourth place, just behind Warren Mitchell who on his first appearance was in third place, only two points behind Peter Jones. But Peter was three points behind this week’s winner who once again was Clement Freud! We do hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by John Cassels. |
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