JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 September 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you very much indeed and how nice to welcome such a warm friendly audience to this recording of Just A Minute. And we hope youíre going to enjoy it as you hear our four keen competitors talk for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation and without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card if they can. And weíll begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. And Derek the subject is keeping prices down. Everybodyís thinking about it and talking about it. And can you talk about it for 60 seconds without er repeating and hesitating and all the rest starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well, having been born in Liverpool, and spent a lot of my time visiting North Wales, I must say Iíve always been terribly keen on keeping Prices down. Iíve always had this sort of phobia against the Welsh, particularly the Joneses and the Williamses who ought to be kept down with the Prices! And I do think the plump of English should be heavily pressed upon them so they canít come over the border, even if they present passports! How dare they let people like that fellow over there work in the West End, a Welshman, a Welshman who I feel...

BUZZ

DN: ... is waving his red like that awful dragon...

NP: You have actually been challenged by the Welshman over there.

DN: Iím not surprised!

KENNETH WILLIAMS: I donít want to sit here and listen to that diatribe! Itís a disgrace! And devious, devious, deviation!

NP: Why is it devious?

KW: Because itís nothing to do with keeping the Prices down! It was a filthy imputation about my character and...

NP: Yes actually when he was saying about keeping the Prices down along with all the other Welshmen he wasnít deviating from the subject on the card. But once he got on to keeping you down, then he was deviating. And so Kenneth I agree with your challenge. So you gain a point for a correct challenge and of course the subject, and you have 37 seconds left starting now.

KW: In the Mediterranean basin, itís fashionable for people to say ďIíll give you X amount, not the asking priceĒ, and in the process, they knock each other down. This is the term used, it doesnít mean physically they actually bash each other. It simply means they offer a price they consider reasonable, and the other man bargains with them over this. I think people should do this when they go to British Railways and say ďI...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth at the end of that round, you are the only one whoís scored any points. Peter Jones will you begin the next round please, the subject, when I sat down at the piano starting now.

PETER JONES: Well Iíve actually given up the piano now, but when I first sat down, I was taught by a tall, well built lady, charming woman. And she had what at that time was described as an ample bosom. I suppose nowadays you would say she was about 48! But I sat on my stool, she sat immediately behind me...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition of the word sat.

NP: Yes there were two sats, you were both sat, and unfortunately you werenít...

PJ: Well, there were two of us!

NP: Yes!

DN: It is on the card, Nick!

NP: But yes er...

DN: Itís on the card Nick!

NP: Oh actually itís on the card. When I sat down at the piano. Oh what a pity, yes!

PJ: So thatís a wrong challenge, I get an extra point and go on. Is that right?

NP: No, you get one point for a wrong challenge, you keep going and there are... Your friend sitting on the opposite side helped you, not...

PJ: Yes well, thank you very much!

NP: Thirty-five seconds on when I sat down at the piano starting now.

PJ: And I used to sit there, and I couldnít move my head to right or left without in the corner of one eye or the other, catching sight of one of these bosoms...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Itís devious, they couldnít, there couldnít have been bosoms on both sides there!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think thatís a very good challenge! Whichever way you look, they must, I presume, have both been the same side, so he must have seen only one bosom. I donít think heíd have seen...

PJ: One or other, yes! If thereís a well-built lady in the audience...

NP: No, I think, Peter...

PJ: That lady in the fifth row! If you wouldnít mind, you could give us... you could give us a demonstration!

NP: Peter! Iím completely confused now because when you were talking about the ladiesí bosoms, you put your hand up to your ears.

PJ: Well thatís where they were! She was sitting behind me leaning forward, and of course, I was leaning back!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

SHEILA HANCOCK: Why was she sitting behind you?

NP: I think the whole thing has got...

PJ: She had her hands underneath mine to show me what to do! But of course my 10-year old mind was not on the music!

NP: I think her bosoms were!

PJ: Yes!

NP: I think the whole thingís getting so devious that I think in every respect you deserve to lose the subject! Kenneth gets a point for a correct challenge and he has 20 seconds left on when I sat down at the piano starting now.

KW: When I sat down at the piano, I was a complete coward because of a gentleman in the front row, who was smoking like a chimney. I thought at the time how could anyone retain their presence of mind under these circumstances...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Iíve got to challenge. This isnít when he sat down at the piano, is it?

NP: Well he said when he sat down at the piano...

SH: Well thereís not a piano in the room, and heís talking about the gentleman in the front row. So therefore when he sat down at the piano...

KW: Not a gentleman in this front row! I said when I first played the piano, a gentleman in the front row there, dear!

SH: Oh!

DN: You had an audience the first time you played?

KW: Of course I did!

PJ: But not the second!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Kenneth has justified himself, he has four seconds left with the subject, when I sat down at the piano Kenneth starting now.

KW: The number that I was supposed to play was Ramona...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth you were speaking then when the whistle went, you gained an extra point, you have increased your lead, youíve not only jumped into the lead, youíve jumped further into the lead. And weíre going to hear from you again because we want you to begin the next round. You havenít begun a round yet. The happiest day of my life. When you leapt into the lead, perhaps, I donít know! Anyway would you talk on the subject starting now.

KW: Itís a happy choice indeed that I should be given this to discuss. Because it was something I looked forward to with appalling apprehension for three miserable years. I lay in Army beds thinking when will I ever get demobbed? And then it happened to all of our barracks! I got so tight it wasnít true! And I stuck two fingers up at NCOs and things because I didnít give aaaaaaaa...

BUZZ

KW: ... fig! What happened?

NP: Sheila Hancock, Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation, or if it wasnít hesitation, it might have been deviation.

NP: He hesitated in order not to be devious!

SH: In order not to deviate.

NP: I think thatís a good challenge Sheila, and you have 26 seconds on the happiest day of my life starting now.

SH: I find it difficult to say because Iíve had so many...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, if she finds it difficult to say, why doesnít she shut up and give it back to me! I want to go on about when I was demobbed, you see!

NP: I know you do but itís not a correct challenge...

KW: Oh!

NP: ... because she didnít deviate from the subject. So she has 24 seconds on the happiest day of my life Sheila starting now.

SH: Every time I thought things were going to be the happiest day of my life, they werenít. Because I think if you expect them to be, then they are a failure. For instance...

BUZZ

NP: Ah...

KW: Deviation, sheís not discussing the happiest day of her life, sheís discussing about it never comes!

SH: I might have got round to telling you what it was eventually.

KW: Weíre not interested in what you got round to, dear! You get round to a lot of things when you leave this studio, but weíre not going to be here to hear it, are we!

SH: Well itís very difficult to think about it your happiest day just like that!

KW: When she gets round! I mean, what a load of rubbish!

NP: Yes itís quite... and actually...

SH: I mean who could look back on all the years Iíve had and say whatís the happiest day, just like that?

NP: Yes and of course the subject on the card is the happiest day of my life and you, you were getting round to it, I think.

SH: I might have thought of it eventually! Yes!

NP: So Sheila you have 16 seconds left on the subject starting now.

SH: It wasnít the day I got married because I was covered in acne, and very embarrassed about the whole procedure...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, sheís just telling what wasnít the happiest day of her life...

SH: Well I was sorting it out, you see!

NP: Well all right Sheila, I think youíve had long enough now...

SH: Yes all right!

NP: Iíll give it to Kenneth this time. Kenneth you have a point now for a correct challenge with 11 seconds left starting now.

KW: I was given this special demob suit, of which I was extremely proud. And when I got to Waterloo, in my excitement, left it behind! I rushed back to the lost property office and I said ďhave you seen a...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Although everybodyís speaking out well in the programme, from the point of view of winning points, itís becoming a one man show this week. Kenneth Williams way out in the lead. Derek Nimmo will you begin the next round and the subject, this and that. Sixty seconds starting now.

SH: Oh God!

DN: This and that is neither here nor there. And I suppose I would really rather talk about that than this. For instance, in this country today, do you know that we are losing 10,000 miles of hedgerow every year due to crop spray. Isnít this a frightful thing with the consequent loss of flora and fauna. Each 10 years we lose an area of ground under concrete the size of Hertfordshire. This is a terrifying prospect! And you all sit here tonight so complacently, gazing at me with bovine expressions as your countryside has been taken away from us.

BUZZ

DN: The birds are no longer flying. Those that are...

SH: Youíve been buzzed!

DN: Who buzzed me? Who buzzed me?

NP: Iím sorry, you were buzzed... I was so carried away with my bovine eyes upon you that er I was so full of emotion and distress at what you were saying. Peter Jones you challenged. A long time ago, I didnít hear you by the way, your light came on...

PJ: These remarks about the audience, they may be complacent, I donít know. But theyíre certainly not sitting there with bovine expressions, I think thatís a gratuitous insult to a charming bunch of people who certainly...

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Certainly have been animated while Iíve been speaking! Though their expressions do change slightly when Nimmo is on!

NP: I think the audience applause shows that whatever decision I made, if it was to go against you, they would not stand for it! So we give you the benefit of the doubt Peter, correct challenge, a point, and 25 seconds left, on this and that starting now.

PJ: So I think you should take Nimmoís address and send sixpence to the appeal fund, the address of which I will give you after the programme is over. And if you can do your little bit towards allowing the hedgerows to flourish, take some seeds in your pocket when you walk down a country lane...

WHISTLE

NP: So this and that kept Peter going and he gained a point for speaking when the whistle went and he has moved into second place equal with Sheila Hancock, but theyíre definitely trailing behind our leader who is still Kenneth Williams. All right Sheila, will you take the next round please and the subject is tales. Weíve heard plenty of them in this programme over the years but will you talk on that now for 60 seconds, beginning now.

SH: Most animals have these things. Even the human being has the relic of one, known as the coxic which is at the base of your spine...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Oh deviation.

NP: No it is absolutely correct...

SH: Itís true!

NP: She was being perfectly medically correct.

SH: Itís a little tiny thing!

NP: And there are 53 seconds left to continue talking about tails... if you havenít got a coxics, bad luck Derek! Sheila, 53 seconds starting now.

SH: After the programme, I will show Derek where it is! As he is very ignorant! There are long ones, on animals I mean! And furry ones, and sleek the others, and some cats like manxed havenít got any...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yeah I think so, yes.

PJ: Not only a hesitation, it seemed a kind of silent cry for help!

NP: Well answered Peter, you have a point for your, answering the cry and you have 43 seconds on tails starting now.

PJ: What about those imitation balls of fluff that are worn by bunnies at certain clubs? That seems an extraordinary habit to me. Do any er...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Ah hesitation.

NP: Yes I think so. Derek you have the subject now of tails and there are 23 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well my favourite one is about the three bears. I like it particularly and I read it to myself every night before I go to bed. I awfully like the bit when they have their porridge, that always makes me laugh. And when the little chair fell down and then they get up...

BUZZ

DN: ... stairs to bed... who rang?

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: He did one of those little hesitations, he said when the little chair fell... down.

NP: Oh Sheila youíre being pedantic!

SH: Well not only that but I donít believe he reads The Three Bears every night!

NP: Ah that would have been a correct challenge.

SH: Well I didnít like to say that, because you might ask me to prove it or something!

NP: That I would have upheld but I donít uphold the other challenge. So Derek keeps the subject, 10 seconds left, tales Derek, starting now.

DN: When I go on holiday, I always take with me something called Extra Tail. Now this is a little aerosol that you squirt yourself. Itís really designed for horses and it hasnít made me grow one yet. But it does prove there are no flies on me...

WHISTLE

NP: I donít know what you were talking about Derek, but you kept going without a challenge and you were speaking when the whistle went. You gain an extra point, youíre all creeping up on Kenneth. So Kenneth, watch out and you begin the next round for us. Joan of Arc, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well I think Shaw describes her as the first real nationalist in Europe and I think thatís a fair enough description. She certainly did cause an awful lot of trouble by telling all the French , be they from Lorraine or Burgundy to unite and throw out the English. It was ll under, of course, the Duke of Bedford and he...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: Well deviation, I mean the Burgundians handed her over to the English. So therefore she didnít cause the Burgundians to unite with them.

NP: To unite with who?

SH: The English!

DN: Well he said she caused the Burgundians and all the French to unite against the English. In fact when she was taken in Continenne, she was taken by the Burgundians who handed her over to the English and that was why she was burnt. So what Iím saying is that what Mister Williams, I think his name is, said is rubbish!

NP: I think what he was trying...

KW: You donít know it all, my argument, she asked the Burgundians to join and make one united France...

NP: Yes!

KW: The fact that they didnít do so, and handed her over to the English, is neither here nor there! It doesnít invalidate the fact that she asked!

NP: She asked them and she said that she could unite the French...

PJ: I donít think you can argue on some technical point like that.

NP: No, no, I quite agree...

PJ: Just coming from someone whoís sworn before all of us that he recites The Three Bears before he goes to bed every night?

LOUD APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thank you Peter, I was going to say exactly the same thing! But on a more serious note, I was going to say that Kenneth was endeavouring, under very difficult circumstances, to keep going without hesitation, repetition or deviation, to say that Joan of Arc did endeavour to unite the French. And thatís what she certainly achieved in the end. Joan of Arc is still with you, 60 seconds starting now.

KW: She maintained throughout her trial that she heard the voices giving her instructions. She said she heard Saint Michael...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of heard.

NP: Yes, Iím afraid I must be accurate on this one and say you have 37 seconds for Joan of Arc, Derek, starting now.

DN: Well of course she started off life as a barmaid, quite a successful one I believe. And she used to go out into the woods under the oak trees. And thatís where she first heard her voices calling to her. And then she reported it back, and then she was taken along eventually to Kenneth Williams, who was terribly impressed bu her and thought that perhaps she could save France. And because he liked Champagne, she agreed to have Kenneth Williams crowned in rings...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of Kenneth Williams.

NP: A very good challenge!

KW: I couldnít challenge for laughing!

NP: Kenneth Williams was repeated and so we, we, we can on occasions have too much of Kenneth Williams! You repeated his name, you gain a point Peter, 15 seconds on Joan of Arc starting now.

PJ: Was actually burned at the stake! What an appalling way to go!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: This is light entertainment, we donít want to hear about people being burnt at the stake! I mean, itís disgusting!

PJ: Well I didnít suggest Joan of Arc!

NP: Whatís your challenge?

KW: Itís invalid, invalid! The whole thing is deviation!

NP: No, she, itís perfectly correct what he said. So he has a point and 10 seconds on the subject of Joan of Arc, Peter starting now.

PJ: And I dare say other people were (laughs) as well...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation, I mean, hesitation!

PJ: Yes I did hesitate.

NP: He giggled, but all right, you hesitated. Um eight, sorry, no, seven seconds on Joan of Arc, Derek starting now.

DN: And as she was there on this great pile of fire, she picked up two bits of wood...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged, why?

SH: Is it true to say she was on a great pile of fire?

NP: Itís not true, but that, thatís, er, that was the impression that one would gain.

KW: There were all these faggots burning!

NP: And if you read The Three Bears every night, how else do you describe the...

SH: He doesnít have the vocabulary, I admit! Go on!

NP: Three seconds on Joan of Arc, Derek starting now.

DN: She picked up the two...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, he said she picked it up.

NP: Yes she picked it up before. So yes so Kenneth you have another point and two seconds on Joan of Arc starting now.

KW: I donít know why they canonised her at all because as far as Iím...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Kenneth gained an extra point then for speaking when the whistle went, heís still in the lead. But Derek and Peter are hot on his heels and Sheilaís trailing just a little. Peter Jones, will you begin the next round please, foolís paradise. That is the subject that Ian has thought up for you and would you talk about it for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well I suppose it might be that when a jester dies and goes to heaven, then paradise for him would be an audience of people who are permanently in paroxysms and roaring with laughter, applauding, clapping, cheering, permanently and forever...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of permanently.

NP: Yes, you said it before, didnít you. Thirty-eight seconds on foolís paradise with you Derek starting now.

DN: Well of course all the team of Just A Minute are living in a foolís paradise today, because Clement Freudís away! We all imagine heís gone for good! But any moment heíll return! Thereíll be that great dreary gloomy bearded egg-ridden face looking at us...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Deviation, heís not great dreary! Heís a dear loving friend of mine!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Heís a lovely chum and someone I adore to embrace and put my arms around and say ďwelcome back!Ē

BUZZ

DN: Deviation!

NP: Ah thatís one of these things. When it comes, when personalities come into it, I cannot be the final judge...

KW: You know heís not a great drear! Are you going to sit there and listen as he calls him a great drear? Is that what youíre doing?

NP: After some of the things heís said to me, Iím quite prepared to say, but Iím going to let all of you...

KW: If youíre on record supporting that, youíre in trouble!

NP: Weíre all on trouble today! Shall I give it to Kenneth?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right, well, Kennethís in the lead. Shall I give it to Derek?

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Weíre playing the game in quite a different way today, arenít we? Kenneth Williams, foolís paradise, 24 seconds on that starting now.

KW: As Alexander Pope rightly put it...

SH: Oh, not again!

KW: ... light alters, there theyíll talk you dead, fools rush in where angels fear to tread. And indeed this is a foolís paradise where they do exactly that. And why? Because of the appalling and abysmal ignorance which no enlightened mind could...

WHISTLE

NP: You had the audience living in a foolís paradise then! But you hoodwinked them, kept going and you werenít challenged. You gain a point for speaking as the whistle went, youíve increased your lead at the end of that round. And Derek Nimmo, would you begin the next round. The subject is getting a little extra. Would you talk for 60 seconds on that starting now.

DN: Well I always believe in going abroad, getting (laughs)...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Well hesitation.

NP: Yes, he was trying to bring in all the other subjects weíd had and fortunately failed. And Kenneth got in first and there are 55 seconds on getting a little extra, Kenneth, starting now.

KW: One of the ways I do this with an almost empty honey jar is to put it on its side and leave it for a bit. And in a few hours you find, when you come back, there is a little extra you didnít think was there. But there it is dripping down the side of the container in this rather lugubrious fashion. But even so very pleasant because, put your tongue, there is this incredible sweetness which the taste buds embrace. And thus losing myself in the most Olivine of deliciousness, you say ďoh I had a little extra!Ē Iíve also done it with a bottle of wine by putting that upside down into a glass. And thus enabling myself to enjoy again, to savour something from, shall we say, the Mozelle region, or, shall we say...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged, yes?

PJ: Repetition, shall we say.

NP: Yes, shall we say. Yes Peter, you have a point for a correct challenge and three seconds left on, and with three seconds you really are going to get a little extra Peter starting now.

PJ: A little extra is a very small crowd artist!

WHISTLE

KW: Heís actually quite right!

SH: Thank you!

NP: I think that remark deserves a bonus point!

SH: It was worth the three seconds!

NP: Yes! Anyway you got the point for speaking when the whistle went. We do actually have no more time which is a great pity because weíve enjoyed ourselves. Audience, have you enjoyed yourselves?

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I hope youíll come again! Sheila Hancock this week you finished in fourth place, you were just beaten the last time you were with us by Derek Nimmo but you did very well. We love having you, love hearing from you. Peter Jones you finished in third place, you made a sudden leap forward there. Only one point behind Derek Nimmo who did terribly well, he was very generous too on one or two occasions. But none of you this week, none of you could touch Kenneth Williams who was way out in the front, an undisputed champion, Kenneth Williams! I think listeners will say from the audience reaction, itís what you call a popular win! And we hope youíve enjoyed the programme, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.