JAM:PMerton,CFreud,SFrost,LTarbuck
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, STEVE FROST and LIZA TARBUCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 August 2001)

NOTE: Nicholas Parsons's 600th appearance.


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and particularly if course in Great Britain. But also to welcome to the show four exciting and stimulating players who are going to pit their wits, their ingenuity and their verbal dexterity against each other as they try and speak for Just A Minute on the subject that I give them and doing that also without hesitation, repetition and deviation. So in no order of seniority would you please welcome Paul Merton, Steve Frost, Clement Freud and Liza Tarbuck! Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the stopwatch going and also blow a whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House in the heart of that great throbbing city of London. As we begin the show this week with Clement Freud. Clement, the subject is how to get rid of hiccups. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: The Hiccups live in Ashby-de-la-Zouch. A really nice family. There is Daddy Hiccup, and Mummy Hiccup, and the little Hiccups, eight of them. Five boys and three girls. And if you want to get rid of them a very good idea would be to shoot them. You could hang them or set a swarm of killer bees at them, which is extremely helpful in the getting rid of stakes. The Hiccups spell their name H-I-C-K-O-U-T, then the first letter again, S. Which is an extraordinarily stupid way of... alphabetic use...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton has challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Was there a hesitation there?

NP: No, there wasnít a hesitation...

PM: Wasnít there?

NP: He was struggling there a bit and getting utterly devious. But anyway 19 seconds, Clement I consider that an incorrect challenge so you have a point for that and you keep the subject of how to get rid of hiccups, 19 seconds starting now.

CF: The Hiccups are extraordinarily boring which is why so many folk want to get rid of them. I have suggested...

BUZZ

NP: Steve Frost challenged.

STEVE FROST: Repetition of rid.

NP: Yes you were trying to get rid of them before.

PM: No, itís on the card.

NP: No, itís on the card. Youíre allowed... sorry Stephen, I know you havenít played the game as much as others, youíre allowed to repeat the phrase...

SF: I know, it was a stupid mistake!

NP: No, it wasnít a stupid mistake.

SF: It was a stupid mistake.

NP: A natural mistake! You can repeat any word individually on the card or not. So Clement, another incorrect challenge, another point to you, 12 seconds, tell us more about this ridiculous subject starting now.

CF: A hiccup is something that happens in your throat...

BUZZ

NP: Steve Frost challenged.

SF: Repetition of hiccup.

NP: Thatís on the card.

SF: Oh thatís on the card? I get it! I see!

NP: Youíre helping Clement getting lots of points.

SF: Right. Okay.

NP: Right, you have played the game enough to know that.

SF: Iíve got it! Iíve got it! Right!

NP: Ten seconds Clement, having got another point, how to gte rid of hiccups starting now.

CF: In Leicestershire, hiccups are quite common. They happen to you when you look at cinemas or theatres...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Deviation.

NP: It is deviation.

PM: How do you get hiccups from looking at cinemas or theatres? Thatís absolute rubbish!

CF: How do you get hiccups?

PM: You donít, you get hiccups by swallowing food the wrong way, you donít get them from looking at a cinema.

CF: Not necessarily!

PM: Iíve actually got a very good cure for hiccups so Iíd like...

CF: Me too!

PM: Well so far youíve said you should shoot them! Shoot them or hang them! What are people in China going to do? People having a bit of chow mein, hiccups, are going to shoot or hang themselves? An outrageous suggestion!

NP: Paul donít worry, Iím with you, it is a devious thought. You have got the subject and Clement has lost it at last! And um there are two seconds to go on how to get rid of hiccups Paul starting now.

PM: A full proof method of getting rid of hiccups is...

WHISTLE

PM: Can I...

NP: Yes, tell us your full proof method.

PM: It was Andy Smart, who me and Steve know, Andy Smart said that if you had hiccups, if you recite out loud what you had for breakfast that morning, then it always...

CF: Grapenuts!

PM: I beg your pardon?

CF: Grapenuts!

PM: Grapenuts! It um, it almost invariably works if you say, if you start hiccuping and then you just say ďwell I had liver, I had bacon,Ē whatever, youíd be surprised. Nine times out of 10 it stops the hiccups. I donít know how or why, but it does!

NP: So at the end of that round Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, he gained that extra point for doing so because whoever does that when the whistle goes gets an extra point. And heís equal with Clement Freud in the lead. Steve Frost, your turn to begin, the subject is, Iím a bit nervous of this one. Old Nick, 60 seconds starting now.

SF: Old Nick of course, another way of saying the Devil. Does he exist and if so is he wear...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: A bit of a hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation, Iím afraid Steve yes. So Paul Merton has got old Nick and heís got 55 seconds starting now.

PM: I know Nicholas is a bit sensitive about his age, but wouldnít you be if you were 96? One of the most extraordinary careers in broadcasting that has ever happened really. When he talks about being at the coronation of the dear old Queen, heís talking about Victoria! And what a wonderful sight it was as her and Albert walked down the aisle. Of course her husband, his surname was Memorial Hall, was a wonderful individual. And they had a great marriage...

BUZZ

NP: Steve challenged.

SF: Two wonderfuls.

NP: There were two wonderfuls.

PM: Was there?

NP: Yes there was indeed.

PM: Oh.

NP: Iíd have given it against you anyway, whatever...

PM: Would you?

NP: Thirty-two seconds Steve, tell us something more about old Nick starting now.

SF: Beelzebub is another name for old Nick, which I donít quite understand because it doesnít actually sound as if he is an evil sort of person. Old Nick does sound nasty like someone who steals antiques. In my book, which of course I havenít written yet, but when I do...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: Ah hesitation?

NP: No, repetition.

LT: Repetition! You know, you should sit here and listen for a while!

NP: Thatís right, repetition of sound. Well Liza you have 18 seconds, youíve got another point of course for a correct challenge, and you have old Nick starting now.

LT: Well my compadre here, Steve, has been going on about old Nick being a devil. I thought that old Nick was something to do with Father Christmas. So it shows what kind of er Xmases we have in...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Xmases?

NP: Xmases yes. I donít know where youíve been around the festive season, but havenít you seen, ever seen, around the hoardings...

PM: No, youíre thinking of Exorcist, the film! That was the Devil!

NP: Sometimes people abbreviate Christmas into Xmas.

PM: Do they?

NP: They do!

PM: How long has that been going on?

NP: Ever since you were a little boy!

PM: Two thousand and one years? I should get out more! I really should!

NP: Liza an incorrect challenge, you get a point for that of course, you keep the subject, you have old Nick, you have six seconds starting now.

LT: Old Nick, of course, if we are going to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Weíve had of course.

NP: You did say of course in the last, yes.

LT: You will with me?

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

LT: Thank you very much indeed! Itís hard, you know!

NP: Iíve never heard such a melodious moan in my life!

PM: Oh Nicholas, you must have done surely!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why you clap him! Heís absolutely wicked! But you know I always laugh against myself! But there we are, thatís what this job is all about isnít it! Who challenged, it was ...

CF: Me!

NP: Of course Clement Freud, four seconds, old Nick starting now.

CF: Of course old Nick is often thought to be another name...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point and heís now increased his lead ahead of Paul Merton at the end of that round, and Liza Tarbuck and Steve Frost in that order. Liza itís your turn to begin, the subject is worms. Tell us something about worms in Just A Minute starting now.

LT: My mother said when I was young ďif you didnít have worms, youíd never lived!Ē Which was interesting coming from her (laughs) because sheís actually terrified of them...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton you challenged (laughs).

PM: I, I think this is a philosophy Iíd like to distance myself from!

NP: I know! Poor Mum! How will she recover from it? How did you get your worms, by the way?

LT: I donít know. If youíd listen to my grandmother, from eating dogís bones or something which I hadnít done! I donít know, it was virulent!

NP: I think I got them once from eating snails from the garden. Anyway so whatís your challenge Paul, within the rules of Just A Minute?

PM: Well I think itís deviation to say unless youíve had worms, you havenít lived.

NP: Yeah I think it probably is.

PM: Yes.

NP: In spite of what Lizaís mother said and...

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

LT: Thank you very much!

PM: Just because youíve had worms!

NP: No, wait a minute, Iíve rethought that, because on the other hand, Lizaís mother can say that. It doesnít mean to say, it may be a devious thought but she can still say it and Liza can repeat what her mother said, so she hasnít deviated in Just A Minute.

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: So Liza you still have worms... Iím sorry!

LT: Thatís why Iím fidgeting!

NP: And you have 51 seconds starting now.

LT: Another word for a word of course is an invertebrate. The useful thing about it is that you get more for your money because if you cut one in half with a spade, or with scissors if youíre that way inclined, they then form into two separate worms and then go about aerating your garden soil. I remember having to dissect a worm in class in 1978 which was the Queenís Silver Jubilee and we hated ours...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well, no, the Queenís Jubilee was 1977.

CF: Which Queen?

NP: Right, yes.

PM: So thatís deviation.

NP: Yes it was, yes.

CF: Which Queen are we talking about?

NP: Right Paul, correct challenge, 30 seconds, you tell us something about worms starting now.

PM: If you serve somebody a worm upside down, it means I love you. And there couldnít be a fonder thing you could do for another human being. Worms are quite useful in the garden. They do... do...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, yes, heíd forgotten what they do. And 19 seconds, worms with you Clement starting now.

CF: Worms is a town in Hesser which is the centre of the viticultural industry...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: I disagree. I donít think it is.

NP: It is, actually.

PM: Well I donít know, I was just hoping that nobody else knew!

NP: Clement, you have another point and the subject, 11 seconds, worms starting now.

CF: Mud worms are... probably my...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: That was a hesitation.

NP: That was a hesitation, Paul youíve got worms again... Iím so sorry! Itís a difficult subject! Youíve got the subject of worms, you have nine seconds starting now.

PM: I suppose it would come to...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: You supposed previously.

NP: He did say suppose before.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes you did.

PM: Itís not like me!

NP: Eight seconds Clement, worms starting now.

CF: The diet of worms is something you learn at school, although presently...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Hesitation. (laughs)

NP: That was hesitation Liza. I love the way you...

LT: Itís so hard to get in!

NP: I know, and you challenge, and you burst out with laughter! Itís great...

LT: Iím just excited!

NP: I know! Three seconds, tell us something about worms Liza starting now.

LT: Your tapeworm is an interesting creature with a hook on its head...

WHISTLE

NP: So Liza Tarbuck speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point. And with others in the round she has leapt forward and sheís now equal with Paul Merton in second place, just a point or two behind Clement Freud, our leader. And Steve Frost is trailing them all just a little. Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject is sleeping policeman. Sleeping policeman, starting now.

PM: Well itís what they call those lumps in the road, traffic calming exercises I suppose they are, where the cars canít go as fast as they normally would down side-streets, or maybe near schools, or in quiet residential areas. I donít know where the phrase or description, sleeping policeman originates from. Itís a quite witty remark I suppose...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Heís supposing again. Repetition.

NP: No, I donít think he said suppose earlier on in this round.

CF: He did actually, yes.

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Itís got nothing to do with you! Theyíre making the decisions for you there, Nicholas!

NP: Clement, correct challenge, 38 seconds, sleeping policeman starting now.

CF: I think the sleeping policemen were probably invented by manufacturers of vehicles because when you go over a sleeping policeman it does such harm to your front axle and that at the back, the suspension is deviously...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: That was a hesitation. A sleeping policeman is back with you Paul, there are 22 seconds left starting now.

PM: The great train robbery happened in 1963, and a lot of people said at the time that the policemen were sleeping on the job. They should have been aware that this huge vast of money was being transported...

BUZZ

NP: Steve Frost challenged.

SF: Ah devi... huge vast of money, I think you said, didnít you? I missed it...

PM: It was in a huge vast, the money.

SF: Oh!

PM: Itís a train carriage!

NP: Your challenge is...

PM: A train carriage!

NP: ...deviation from English as we understand it and normally speak it.

SF: Exactly! Exactly, Nicholas!

NP: All right Steve, weíll give it to you and give you a point and 12 seconds on sleeping policeman starting now.

SF: Never ever wake up a sleeping policeman because he might hit you on your head with his trunjon which he keeps behind his...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Trunjon?

NP: Trunjon! I think if youíre going to have him on the other pronunciation, Iíve got to give it back to him on your pronunciation. So Paul, you have it back, five seconds, sleeping policeman starting now.

PM: If youíre an avid reader of the Noddy stories, youíll remember PC Plod falling asleep...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton, speaking as the whistle went, and with other points in the round, has leapt forward. Heís now equal with Clement Freud in the lead followed by Liza Tarbuck and Steve Frost in that order. And Clement it is your turn to begin, the subject is health food. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

CF: Health food is one of the great growth industries of the moment. Go down any road or street or mews or crescent and you will find health food emporia...

BUZZ

NP: Steve you challenged.

SF: Deviation, you canít go down a crescent, you go round it!

NP: Steve I think itís a, itís an excellent thought but I donít think he was really, within the rules of Just A Minute, was deviating. So I will, er, I wonít charge any points on that and say Clement keeps the subject, 49 seconds, health food starting now.

CF: Tofu...

BUZZ

NP: Steve challenged.

SF: Hesitation.

NP: Youíve got it! Right! Health food, 48 seconds, with you Steve starting now.

SF: I was walking down this crescent the other day and I saw a health food shop. Went straight in and decided to buy one of those little wiggly waggly things you see on the sides of roads that donít normally get eaten by human beings. It was of course a liquorice stick that had been dipped into very warm jelly. This apparently makes you live longer, healthier and gives you lots of hair. Didnít work for me, but at least I paid decent money for it and got satisfaction from the taste and flavour. Although there was no nutritious value in the aforementioned thing, it made me feel like a million dollars. Therefore it was a health food to me. I went back and bought a whole box full of these things and sent them...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Well this is just rubbish! Liquorice dipped in warm jelly?

NP: You mean to say youíve never spoke rubbish on Just A Minute?

PM: Never! Every word I say is true!

NP: So what are you having him on? Deviation?

PM: Well he said it wasnít very good for him so it canít be health food! Deviation.

NP: Ah I would have given it to you on the fact that it was deviation from the subject, no, he could be, he could have believed it did him a lot of good.

SF: That was the point I was making.

NP: That was the point I was making, yes. So health food is still with you Steve, another point, six seconds, starting now.

SF: If you take a packet of cornflakes and tear up all the cornflakes and put them...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

SF: Six seconds and I said it again!

NP: Yes! And youíve got in with one second to go Paul. And you have the subject, health food, repetition of cornflakes, starting now.

PM: Cornflakes...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton still in the lead, but Steve Frost got points in the round and heís moved forward. Heís now equal with Liza Tarbuck in third place. And Steve your turn to begin, the subject is parking the car. Weíve got a lot of motoring subjects in this show but toke on that one starting now.

SF: Pull up parallel to the car in front, look in the rear view mirror, hand brake on, over your shoulder, take a quick glance. Take the aforementioned brake...

BUZZ

NP: Liza you challenged.

LT: Take, two takes.

NP: There were two takes, yes. And I would have had him for deviation too, if you hadnít had him before, because how could you park the car with the hand brake on?

LT: Iíve done that! It took me a while but I did it! Occasionally I just lose the car!

NP: Liza youíve got a correct challenge...

LT: Thank you!

NP: ... the other one, on repetition. Parking the car is with you starting now.

LT: Parking the car is becoming increasingly difficult as councils seem to be putting up stupid permit allowances...

SHOUTS OF ďYESĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

LT: ...which are allowing them, thank you very much! To get free money off of us. The council next... (laughs)

BUZZ

LT: Oh I was cross now!

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: Well hesitation.

NP: It was a hesitation yes.

PM: And a repetition of council.

NP: Yes. Sometimes if you keep going with style, theyíll overlook your indiscretions...

LT: How true!

NP: But on this occasion he picked you up and Paul has got the subject of parking the car, 37 seconds available starting now.

PM: It was much easier to park your car in 1906 when there were only 35 such vehicles in the British Isles. In those days all you had to do was leave it and get out, and it was considered parked by the police who werenít sleeping, they were very much on the job. But I have parked many cars in my brief foray as a motorist. I passed my driving test in 1995 and I was very pleased to do so first time. And since then I havenít actually owned many motor vehicles. But the ones that I have purchased and driven have been great fun. The way that I park a car is to first of all make sure that Iím in it...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Mertonís dissertation then, he kept going until the whistle went, gained an extra point and has increased his lead at the end of the round. And Liza itís your turn to begin, Cellulite.

LT: Ah how kind!

NP: Thatís the subject. I donít know why itís been chosen for you but talk on it if you can...

LT: Iíll show you later!

NP: ...starting now.

LT: (laughs)

NP: Right, 60 seconds Liza, starting now.

LT: Cellulite is the ugly fat that lurks beneath the skin, normally to the rear of a person. Men and women can get cellulite. It looks sort of like a mountain range but from a distance if you see what I mean. Er sort of a ranch type style stuff that you can fix rather like a conservatory to the back of your thigh, and jog round with it so that it dribbles over your knee. Itís not attractive but I am sure, warmed up and jiggled with the right amount of alcohol down your throat, it could be something of a spectacular occurrence somewhere in the middle of Crewe. Iím now waffling on about cellulite because I donít know that much about it. Obviously now Iím going to claim that Iíve never seen it before in my life. But in womenís changing rooms, I have seen it, and Iíve eyed it quite scarily, quite ruefully. And itís something that just occurs to you, maybe in your late 30s. I donít know, maybe it comes earlier. Maybe people are blessed with orange skin peels...

WHISTLE

NP: I, well done Liza, I have to say because I do get letters from avid listeners of the show, we all knew she repeated one or two things, but we enjoyed it so much! We just let it go with style and panache. And you actually went from the start to finish, 60 seconds. So you not only get a point for speaking as the whistle went, you get a bonus point because you were not interrupted. And youíre now one point behind Clement Freud, but half a dozen points behind our leader who is still Paul Merton. And Clement itís your turn to begin and the subject is happy hour. Tell us something about happy hour in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Happy hour is there to cheer you up. If you should be chronically depressed, there is a new pill on the market which you donít swallow, but which you throw to people who look happy...

BUZZ

NP: Paul Merton challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes it was a hesitation, yes. He waited for his laugh, he got it and he thought was enough. So right, 47 seconds, happy hour with you Paul starting now.

PM: Whenever I listen to Just A Minute, thatís a happy half hour, and sometimes I listen to two programmes which makes a beautiful happy hour. I listen to the voice of Clement Freud. Who can help but smile when they hear his wonderful cheery tones coming across the airwaves. Every hour in his company is surely a happy hour as he gaily walks around. He does this show in the nude, ladies and gentlemen, I think youíre aware of that. And heís a beautiful, he is one of this countryís leading naturists. So if youíre in India or China listening to this show go out, just picture him now in the nude, his grapenuts resting...

BUZZ

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Sorry you like the nudity obviously! Clement you challenged.

CF: Nude twice.

NP: Yes there was too much nudity.

PM: Too much nudity.

NP: Yes but the audience enjoyed it. Sixteen seconds Clement, happy hour with you starting now.

CF: It seems to me terribly unfair that bars should say happy hour, drinks at half price. Because no way is it 50 percent off the cost of a beverage. Only... less than...

BUZZ

NP: Steve Frost you...

SF: Hesitation Iím afraid.

NP: That was a hesitation yes. Steve you got in with two seconds to go on the subject of happy hour starting now.

SF: The wonderful thing about happy hours in bars is that...

WHISTLE

NP: So Steve Frost speaking as the whistle went has got a point. Heís now equal with Liza Tarbuck in third place so trailing Clement. And heís just three points behind our leader, Paul Merton. So Liza itís your turn to begin. Selling out is the subject, tell us something about that in this game starting now.

LT: Selling out could of course refer to produce in a shop of which you have none left. Or of course it could refer to a level of integrity that you have forgotten about or disposed about because of er acquiring money for some sort of service or some such. Selling out, I wonder if selling out could always be described as a despicable thing. Would one refer to Jeffrey Archerís mate who sold out as being a dreadful thing? I donít know. Would somebody say that er selling out of a product...

BUZZ

LT: Oh thank you!

NP: Steve Frost you challenged.

LT: Oh!

SF: Repetition of somebody.

NP: Yes there was somebodies there.

LT: I said it all the time!

NP: Steve you have selling out, and you have 29 seconds starting now.

SF: Iím used to selling out every time I do my one-man show. Because all the tickets get bought, the people come and see me and laugh, and they come back the next time I do it again. Which is on the same night, because you make more money that way. This is called selling out in... both aspects of...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: He slowed right down, didnít he?

NP: Yes he did, we interpret that as hesitation.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: So Paul, you have 13 seconds to tell us something about selling out starting now.

PM: Of course you can do both, you can sell out and be sold out as in... you are selling out...

BUZZ

NP: Steve challenged.

SF: Iím going to go for hesitation there.

NP: You will get it on hesitation, you have the subject back, nine seconds on selling out starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And er...

PM: Hesitation!

NP: Hesitation, youíve got it back again Paul. And youíve got seven seconds on selling out starting now.

PM: I did a two week season at the London Palladium in 1995 and Iím very pleased to say...

WHISTLE

PM: ... that it didnít sell out!

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point and others in the round. Heís moved forward, heís in a strong lead. So weíre into the final round and Paul itís your turn to begin and the subject is paying through the nose. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: Itís said that the Danes in ninth century Ireland, they were occupying that country at the time, imposed a poll tax which was very unpopular. And if you didnít come up with the goods, then your nose could split in the middle. And this was an indication to other citizens of that fair isle that it wasnít a good idea not to pay. And the Danes took this...

BUZZ

PM: Danes twice?

NP: Steve challenged.

SF: Danes.

PM: Danes twice.

NP: Yes, right. Forty seconds...

PM: Interesting though, wasnít it?

SF: Yeah it was. Very interesting.

NP: Very interesting.

LT: Was it true?

PM: It is true, yeah. I think so, yeah.

NP: You say it with such conviction we believe you. Right Steve, there are 40 seconds, you tell us something about paying through the nose starting now.

SF: (speaks through the nose) Here you are mate, hereís 25 quid. (speaks normally) Thatís what it would sound like obviously, if you paid through the nose. So not many people do it nowadays. You can pay through the ear but you canít hear what price the product is youíre buying. So again if you did put the money up your nose, a good place to keep loose change because the coins keep the nasal passages open. Youíre blocking them at the same time (starts laughing)...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged. Youíre being challenged Steve.

SF: Oh!

NP: Yes?

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, deviation, the lot! I think so! Coins up the nose! You, you, you, you sneeze them out on the counter, do you? Right...

PM: I suppose, I suppose it was lucky they were up the nose!

NP: Yes... I donít think weíll pursue that idea Paul! Paul you have 19 seconds, paying through the nose starting now.

PM: You have to be very careful if you walk up and down Oxford Street because you have charlatans who hire empty stores and they decide theyíre going to sell you all kinds of things like clock radios or cassette recorders, and they have people around them who have bid for these items. You think oh, thatís quite cheap. But when you actually...

WHISTLE

NP: And so Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so. And with others in the round, heís increased his lead. Let me give you the final situation. Steve Frost who has not played the game as much as the other two, heís played it more than Liza, but he finished a very strong fourth place, very strong. Liza finished in an excellent third place, oh excellent, marvellous. Clement Freud was in a magnificent second place. And in... Iím getting a round of applause for each one of them arenít I? And an outstanding first place was Paul Merton, youíre the winner this week Paul! So it only remains for me to say thank you to these four talented players of the game, Paul Merton, Clement Freud, Liza Tarbuck and Steve Frost. I also thank Janet Staplehurst for helping me with the watch and also blowing the whistle so well. And also we thank our producer and director Claire Jones. And weíre indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And weíre very grateful to our audience here in the Radio Theatre who have cheered us on our way so magnificently with such warmth and feeling. So from our audience, from the panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, good-bye until we take to the air once more and play Just A Minute.

THEME MUSIC