JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 22 October 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we are delighted to welcome back to fill the fourth chair, the itinerant chair, the ladyís chair, our guestís chair, Sheila Hancock! Once again sheís come back with that star quality that she has to show her brilliance, her wit and intelligence against our three regular and keen and unruly member players of the game. And as always theyíre going to try and speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject if they can. And we begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject is an appreciative audience. Iím sure we have one here tonight. And would you talk about that subject, 60 seconds starting now.

DEREK NIMMO: Well looking round all the absolutely delightful faces, Iím sure totally fine, my goodness, theyíre already showing their appreciation in quite the most charming way. In fact, one of the most appreciative audiences that Iíve met recently was when I was in Alice Springs. And I went there to a rodeo. And I had to ride what is called a bundy which is a totally untrained horse. And I mounted on to this great snarling beast which had never had a bridle put round it before. Then they opened a gate and out...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.

CLEMENT FREUD: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: You donít put bridles round horses!

NP: Youíre being too precise and pedantic, I disagree with your challenge...

CF: I thought that was what this game was all about!

NP: It is but if youíre too pedantic, we donít have much of a game, do we! So I will disallow that challenge and let Derek have a point for a wrong challenge and keep the subject and there are 30 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well when it was released, into the ring I came. And the idea is that you have to stay on for 10 seconds. Now that doesnít sound very long, does it? But I can assure you as its back legs were tied together with a piece of chain, so that the idea was to buck and shove me up into the air, I suddenly flew off and lasted about two, perhaps two and...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Repetition of two. And hesitation.

NP: Yes! Because he was...

DN: Very well tried Sheila.

NP: ... trying not to say seconds as we all knew! Sheila that was a correct challenge and you have a point for that and 10 seconds left on an appreciative audience starting now.

SH: An appreciative audience is one of the greatest rewards in our business. And sometimes when one has a bad audience, I often feel...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Ah, she repeated audience.

NP: I know she did.

CF: But that was one of the words, one of the many words on the card.

NP: One of the three words on the card, yes.

CF: Iím very sorry, I apologise.

NP: Iím sorry you canít... Iím sorry you canít challenge about two! But as you pressed your buzzer and stopped Sheila, she has to get a point for a wrong challenge and continues with the subject which obviously you were trying to get in with your usual...

CF: No, no, no!

NP: With only two seconds to go, but Sheila has it now starting now.

SH: I want to say to them ďdo betterĒ! I...

WHISTLE

NP: Sheila Hancock was speaking then when the whistle went. Clement Freud will you begin the next round please. The subject is how to stop smoking. You have 60 seconds in which to do it starting now.

CF: There is a saying which is um no smoke without fire...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PETER JONES: Hesitation. He said um. He hesitated.

NP: I donít think he ummed enough to call it a real hesitation. So Iím going to give the benefit of the doubt to Clement and say that he has a point for a wrong challenge and there are 57 seconds left starting now.

BUZZ

NP: And Derek Nimmo?

DN: Seemed to be long enough for a hesitation then!

NP: Yes! Wasnít even an um on that occasion! Derek you have another point and the subject and there are 55 seconds on how to stop smoking starting now.

DN: Quite the best way to stop smoking is to say um every now and again, and then you find you wonít be able to get the cigarette into your mouth. I once tried this on Tuesday in Sheffield in the month of March and the most extraordinary things happened. As I put the noxious weed into my mouth and said...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of mouth.

NP: Yes you used your mouth more than once. So Clement has another point for a correct challenge and there are 40 seconds left, how to stop smoking Clement, starting now.

CF: There are on the market all sorts of patent medicines which set out to stop you from smoking. And one of these is made of aniseed and nail varnish which you spread on your teeth. And itís said to be totally effective although your ears do buzz as a result! Another one obtainable at most good chemistís shops and one or two gentlemanís outfitters, haberdashers and hat makers, is a toe...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Iíll put it to the audience. I donít think he really hesitated. Do you think so? If you agree would you...

SHOUTS OF ďNOĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: All right, theyíve said no. Clement you have another point, you obviously have the audience with you and there are 13, no, 14 seconds left on how to stop smoking starting now.

CF: The north Lowestoft cure of which so many people are now availing themselves...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of cure. Cure and...

NP: Yes you have a point for that Derek and there are eight...

CF: Itís hyphenated!

NP: Eight seconds on how to stop smoking Derek, starting now.

DN: For the best way to stop smoking, take a quick puff...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones would you begin the next round and the subject, cubism. There are 60 seconds and you start now.

PJ: Pablo Picasso, Joy Burke and Oxo are the names that spring to mind immediately! Of course these two great artists had nothing to do with meat extract. But they did split up the pictures so that one got an idea of the way that the things were made. Blocks in three dimensions so that you saw someoneís ear...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: If itís a painting it canít be in three dimensions. It can only be in two. So deviation.

NP: But you can give the effect of three dimensions by the way that you er concoct or compose the picture. I disagree with the challenge, Peter keeps the subject and there are 37 seconds left starting now.

PJ: Yes thatís why it was called cubism. And Paul Cezanne followed on these two great masters...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Repetition of great. Great painters, great masters.

NP: Yes, yes er um a tough one, but we have to give it to you. Thirty seconds Derek, on cubism starting now.

DN: A perfect example I suppose of cubism is the sort of dress that Sheila Hancock is happening to wear this evening. Itís composed of all sorts of very square...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of sorts.

NP: Yes you have the subject for a correct challenge. It is cubism and there are 21 seconds left starting now.

CF: The art of manipulating the cue in billiards or snooker has been falsely described...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo.

DN: Deviation, heís admitting, omitting a B!

NP: Cue-bis... yes! But heís using the cue, in a, he didnít get a chance to develop his particular point...

PJ: Well, a cue with chalk! Thatís what you meant, isnít it?

CF: I said it was falsely described!

NP: Clement Freud has 15 seconds left on cubism starting now.

CF: As cubism because this term actually means paintings or sculptures which are three dimensional as was so handsomely pointed out by several panellists who spoke before. Pablo Picassoís blue period which followed almost...

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: No, Sheila got in before the whistle. Sheila, whatís your challenge?

SH: If heís talking about Picassoís blue period, heís not talking about cubism!

NP: I quite agree, Sheila you have one...

CF: Followed!

NP: Mmmm?

CF: Youíre not listening!

NP: You have one second left on...

SH: It was just as I was going to buzz!

NP: Sheila, no, one second with you Sheila starting now.

SH: Well...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged before the whistle. Whatís your challenge?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Shut up! Sheila Hancock has another point and half a second on cubism starting now.

SH: Picasso!

WHISTLE

NP: I suddenly realised that I hadnít given you the score yet. The situation is that Sheila has taken the lead at the end of that round. Sheís two points ahead of Clement Freud whoís two points ahead of Derek Nimmo, and heís three points ahead of Peter Jones and Sheila it is your turn to begin, the subject, my holiday. Would you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: I seldom take holidays, because for most actors it means that you are out of work. But last year I was pretty tired so I decided to go skiing. And I went to a shop and bought myself lots of trendy things. And got in a plane which is a terrifying experience for me. Arrived in Austria where there wasnít a centimetre of snow! So I waded around water in my nasty waterproof trousers and jacket...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of water.

NP: Yes, and the waterproof might be hyphenated but I think we...

SH: Itís one word!

CF: Itís not even hyphenated! Itís one word!

SH: Itís not hyphenated!

NP: Is it? I donít know. Is it hyphenated?

SH: Waterproof jacket.

NP: You mean itís one single word?

CF: Yes.

NP: Itís a wrong challenge...

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

CF: Howíd they pick you?

NP: What?

CF: How did they pick you?

NP: You used the right word, pick! They toss a coin and see whoís free! Thirty, er, four seconds...

PJ: I wonder who won!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: They couldnít afford the others, you see Peter, thatís the problem! Thirty-four seconds on my holiday Sheila, starting now.

SH: I got awfully bored of mountains and fir trees and longed to come back and see the variety of the English countryside which I invariably do when Iím abroad. Also I wait for fish and chips when I land, and lovely cups of tea, not made out of tea bags...

BUZZ

NP: Um Clement Freud.

CF: Repetition of tea.

NP: Yeah! Clement Freud you have a point for that and there are 16 seconds left on my holiday starting now.

CF: I was once generously awarded a three week holiday after working for two years in a very menial task some years ago. My employer came up and said ďas from next week, you will take unpaid leaveĒ. And I said ďyou are very decent indeed, thank you so much...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud speaking then when the whistle went gained that extra point and he has now gone into the lead alongside Sheila Hancock with Derek following and then Peter Jones in that order. Derek Nimmo weíre back with you, will you begin the next round. The subject is whatís in my pocket. Sixty seconds, donít take it all out now! Starting now.

DN: Well I think the best way is to have a little peep actually and Iíll see whatís in my pocket. Iíve got a sort of one pound note, all bearing legends that say ďI promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of one poundĒ from the Governor...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of one pound.

NP: Yes, if you read things, youíre quite likely to repeat.

DN: Oh yes.

NP: Sheila youíve gone back into the lead with that point and you have 46 seconds on whatís in my pocket starting now.

SH: Nothing, a void. I havenít got a pocket so therefore there is a blank full of er...

BUZZ

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes you have 40 seconds on whatís in my pocket Derek starting now.

DN: I also have an application for an international driving card which is required in the following countries. Afghanistan, Algeria, Angola, the Arab Republic of Egypt, Argentina, Australia, Bahrain, Bhutan, Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil, Brunei, Burma, Burundi, Cabina, Cameroon, Canada, Cape Burnia and the Cayman Islands, the Central African Republic...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged first. There were too many islands.

CF: Thank you!

NP: As you can see, sometimes the one with the quickest ear or who can press it with the quickest reaction gets in. This time Clement Freud and the islands did Derek in. Seventeen seconds, 18 seconds, Iím sorry, whatís in my pocket Clement starting now.

CF: I have in my right pocket a handkerchief, comb, piece of paper, bus ticket...

PJ: No he hasnít!

CF: ... screwdriver. My left one contains...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Itís not a plural subject, itís whatís in my pocket. Not what are in my pockets.

NP: Oh that doesnít matter! He, this pocket, the left pocket and the right pocket, whatís in my pocket. The left pocket...

PJ: Itís absolutely empty! I had my hand in it!

NP: All right so no no, Derek, an incorrect challenge. Clement has another point and there are five seconds left, whatís in my pocket Clement starting now.

CF: While women have extraordinary things in their handbags, men on the whole keep their pockets...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement again was speaking as the whistle went and has taken the lead at the end of that round, just ahead of Sheila Hancock. Clement Freud, begin the next round please. The subject, what the Romans do. Sixty seconds starting now.

CF: From what I read in more lurid newspapers, they race up to lady tourists and pinch their behinds after which no legal action whatsoever appears to be taken, enabling them to repeat this process to other ladies, usually...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well I suppose he will say plural and singular, but ladies I would say, repetition.

NP: Yes. You were pinching ladiesí behind and other ladies. Youíre quite correct Derek and there are...

PJ: Anyway he repeated the process, didnít he! He said they repeated the process!

NP: Yes! A pity you didnít challenge Peter! Forty-five seconds for you Derek on what the Romans do starting now.

DN: When in... Rome, do...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Hesitation.

NP: Yes! Peter!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter the subject is what the Romans do and you have 43 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well some of them, I know, I read about this the other day, they scrape out the bottom of the Treddie Fountain and collect the coins that are thrown there by the tourists hoping to return to the Eternal City. And there are two gangs of them competing for the money that is ahhh...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: The repetition of ahhhhh!

NP: Yes! Repetition of the gesture that he made as he tried to find another word to say scraping out.

CF: Yes.

NP: There are 25 seconds Clement with you on what the Romans do starting now.

CF: They elect Prime Ministers with... bewildering frequency...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: I would agree Derek and you have...

CF: I would agree as well!

PJ: Very good! Yes I agree!

NP: Sheila?

SH: Well I agree yes.

CF: Unanimous!

NP: Unanimous!

SH: I buzzed actually. I buzzed but Iím too slow or...

NP: Yes, 20 seconds on what the Romans do Derek starting now.

DN: A whole lot of things that the Romans do I really find extraordinary! I was wandering along the (unintelligible) one Friday night and I saw to my total amazement a great big white horse mounted by a naked woman coming towards me. And I said ďtake me back to dear old London townĒ...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Derek got some points then at the end of that round. But heís only stayed in third place Iím afraid. But heís only one point now behind Sheila Hancock, whoís three behind our leader Clement Freud. And Peter Jones is trailing a little bit behind them all. But itís his turn to begin and the subject is Peter, independence. A good apt one for you and will you talk on it, 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Well it could be quite of course if I happened to ah learn the Declaration of Independence...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well he always says er as a hesitation so I thought...

NP: Yes it was a hesitation. But as youíre all about equal out there, weíre going to give Peter a chance as heís only been going for four seconds and it wasnít as fair and a bit mean...

SH: And you gave Clement an um.

NP: And we gave Clement an um, weíll give Peter an er and weíll say heís got 55 seconds on independence Peter starting...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freudís challenged.

CF: You said heíd only been speaking for four seconds!

NP: Ah yes...

CF: And now you make it 55...

NP: Yes!

CF: Where has the other second gone?

CF: Youíve just taken it up! Heís actually been speaking for five seconds so I will correct myself. Iím sorry that you wish me to be so pedantic. Youíve already complained about me...

PJ: I donít mind. I doubt very much whether I can keep going for 54, let alone...

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: I donít mind in the least!

NP: Well there are 55 seconds on independence Peter starting now.

PJ: My wife, being American, we have a facsimile of the Declaration of Independence hanging up on the staircase. And a most moving document it is. And itís signed by all these people with great names like John Hancock and Sam Adams and Tom Adams and Franklin...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Adams.

NP: Yes. They shouldnít have had so many Adams signing that document.

PJ: No, no, well, I mean...

NP: Clement has another point and independence is now with you with 43 seconds left starting now.

CF: It is a very strange thing in education these days that whenever a child does anything which is totally irresponsible and reprehensible, teachers tend to say that he is manifesting his independence. You find dreadful marks on the floor, stains on the sheets, windows broken and panes of glass...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Well I er um er...

PJ: What?

BUZZ

PJ: Hesitation!

DN: I donít know! I thought it was very boring and dreary!

NP: You thought it was about time we heard from you so you challenged and...

DN: What I was really thinking about was stains on the sheets. There canít be every school having stains on the sheets.

NP: Why not? Iíve seen children go to bed with all kinds of filthy things, and make their sheets look disgusting!

PJ: Please try and keep your personal life out of this!

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Itís just a game you know, Nicholas!

NP: Clement Freud I disagree with Derekís challenge which was really a non-challenge so you have a point and there are 21 seconds left on independence starting now.

CF: Ayres Neill who was the headmaster and founder of one of the great independence schools was once asked whether he had any success...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of schools.

NP: Yes, you mentioned schools before. Fourteen seconds, Derek, independence starting now.

DN: I do think itís terribly nice to have oneís independence, to be able to walk across the Moors under a warm blue...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancockís challenged.

SH: You donít have to have your independence in order to walk across the Moors.

DN: Well you donít have to, I said itís terribly nice to have it.

NP: Itís nice to have it.

PJ: I donít understand at all.

NP: What was that Peter?

PJ: I didnít understand the point of view at all about walking across the Moors and all that, I...

DN: Iím not sure that I understood it either!

PJ: No!

NP: It was the same way about this woman who mounted the white horse and came relentlessly at him!

PJ: Yes yes! Heís trying to use up a lot of very old duff material, I think!

LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM DN, SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I would say heís being successful! Sheila I disagree with your challenge, Derek has another point and there are eight seconds on independence Derek starting now.

DN: When Mister Peter Jones secured his independence from the Rag Trade he went off to start collecting hyphenated words...

WHISTLE

NP: That utterly devious thought of Derek Nimmoís, he got a point for speaking when the whistle went. Heís now overtaken Sheila Hancock, heís only three points behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the subject, reading teacups. Will you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Actually the art of reading teacups tends to be passed down from one gypsy to the next. And I know a lady called Mrs Smith who is most extraordinarily adept at reading teacups. She loved the tray...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I agree Sheila, 45 seconds on reading teacups starting now.

SH: My grandmother was very good at this. The secret that you have to take is to drink your tea and then swish the slops around and pour them into your saucer and what remains is what you interpret. And you can sometimes see cats in which case you make up some complicated story about how youíre going to meet one of these. Or things with wings have something to do with success...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Iím sorry, a slip.

NP: Well I mean...

CF: Yes I mean she must have a point.

NP: You cannot have so many Freudian slips on the one programme!

CF: I mean give her a point!

PJ: Poor old Freud! Heís trigger happy, you know!

NP: She gets a point because you stop her flow. And she has to gather her medical strength and continue...

CF: Well I said Iím sorry!

NP: I know!

SH: Itís all right, it gives me time to think of something else!

NP: I know! All right, youíve got a point as well Sheila and there are 20 um, six seconds on reading teacups starting now.

SH: Sometimes nurses try...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of sometimes.

CF: Yes.

NP: Yes thank you Clement. Derek Nimmo, Derek Nimmo, you have 20 seconds on reading teacups starting now.

DN: Reading teacups, particularly if itís Worcester, is rather an interesting craft. What you do is you...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said it was an art when he started speaking about it and now he says itís a craft!

NP: Yes! It canít be both, can it?

CF: No!

PJ: No.

DN: Ah itís a different kind of reading teacups.

NP: No, no, itís a different kind of cup. But not a different kind of reading.

SH: He can talk about reading the marks.

DN: Iím talking about the marks, though, love, the marks on the cup.

NP: Oh dear boy! This is the last round and itís a very tense situation and as Peter Jones canít make, canít have any effect on the final situation now Peter, Iím going to give the challenge to you and you have 10 seconds on reading teacups starting now.

PJ: You look very hard at the shape...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: As he canít make any result for the final, I thought Iíd give him another point!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: It canít make an effect on the result, but it might have an effect on Peter Jones! But Peter you have another point and there are nine seconds on reading teacups starting now.

PJ: Look very carefully to see what itís like and if itís the shape of New Zealand you suggest to the person whoís cup it is...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila challenged.

PJ: ... theyíre going on a very long journey!

NP: And Sheilaís challenged.

SH: I was going to challenge on repetition of look.

NP: It was wrong Sheila.

SH: You look very carefully...

NP: So keep it up and Peter will probably finish up the winner! He, and there are three seconds on reading teacups Peter starting now.

PJ: Alternatively if itís a picture of something in the Northern Hemisphere...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Peter Jones was speaking then when the whistle went and he gained the extra point. In fact he did extremely well in that round and he came up to save his honour and his reputation though he finished in fourth place...

PJ: Too late to save my honour!

NP: You saved your reputation! Though he was in fourth place, he was only three points behind Sheila Hancock in third place who was two behind Derek Nimmo in second place. But they never, any of them, managed to overtake our leader, who has been throughout the contest, this week, Clement Freud! We do hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.