JAM:PMerton,CFreud,SFry,LTarbuck
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, STEPHEN FRY and LIZA TARBUCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 7 January 2002)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome the four dynamic and diverse personalities who are going to play Just A Minute this week. With pleasure we welcome back that clever, witty and man who plays the show with such humorous panache, Paul Merton. We also welcome back after a bit of an absence actually, someone whoís equally clever and witty at playing the game, that is Stephen Fry. And someone who plays the game with wonderful feminine charm and verve and that is Liza Tarbuck. And someone whoís been playing the game with incredible skill for many years than we care to remember, that is Clement Freud. Would you please welcome all four of them! As usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score, sheíll blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute comes from the Radio Theatre in the heart of Broadcasting House in the West One district of London. And we have a truly cosmopolitan audience in front of us, excited and ready for us to get going. So let us start the show with Paul Merton. And Paul the subject in front of me is crowís feet. Will you tell us something about crowís feet in Just A Minute if you can starting now.

PAUL MERTON: Well crowís feet, I suppose, arenít as useful to the crow as crowís wings. We tend to measure distances by how far the crow flies rather than how far it is (laughs)...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.

NP: Repetition of how far. Yes Clement, you have a point for that, you have a correct challenge, you take over the subject. It is crowís feet and there are 49 seconds available starting now.

CF: To many people, crowís feet will mean a referral to Sebastian W Crowe who swam 80 metres under water in the swimming pool of Totness in Devon. Crowís feet is remembered...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Stephen Fry you challenged.

STEPHEN FRY: Um yes. I doubt that! I doubt many people!

NP: Yes...

SF: Some! Itís possible.

NP: I doubt it...

SF: Some of the small cast of phantasms that inhabit...

NP: The trouble is, heís being very clever there, because none of us can prove it, can we? It could have been that this did happen.

PM: Letís phone him up!

SF: You could prove it in a fight!

NP: So you want him for deviation, do you?

SF: Rather vaguely I want him for deviation, yes, but thatís a separate issue, I suppose!

LAUGHTER FROM LT AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iíve got a very fair way of handling this one. Give Stephen a bonus point for that wonderful remark of his and Clement, we canít prove that Clementís not speaking the truth so we have to go with you Clement on this one. And you get a point for an incorrect challenge, you keep going on crowís feet, 34 seconds starting now.

CF: Crowe drowned.

BUZZ

NP: Stephen you challenged.

SF: That pause must count as hesitation.

NP: Itís more than hesitation, itís a definite hesitation. You have another point Stephen for a correct challenge this time and you take over the subject of crowís feet, 31 seconds available starting now.

SF: Rather a dashing feature of old people as they age, I suppose. Paul Newman has splendid crowís feet. Those little slits that come from the edge of the eyes. Rather noticeable of course if youíre in a soot explosion or something similar. Blink and those white er striations appear, apparently causing some pleasure to women, who enjoy that kind of man. Rather like the flash of white on the side of Stewart Granger...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition of like.

NP: Yes, yes.

SF: Oh good point! Well spotted! Well spotted indeed!

NP: Yes heís been playing the game for quite a while. Right, 17, no thereís 11 seconds only available for you Clement, having got another point for a correct challenge, to go on with crowís feet starting now.

CF: If you see a crow flying towards you, the feet are always the first thing that touch the ground. Not the knees, nor the elbows, seldom the wings...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged?

PM: Do crows have elbows?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Donít think they do, do they?

NP: No so Paul you had a correct challenge and you got in with half a second to go on crowís feet starting now.

PM: Crowís feet...

WHISTLE

NP: So in this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Paul Merton so at the end of that round he has er, oh no, heís equal with Clement Freud actually. Stephen will you take the next round and the subject is, oh this is a good one for you because youíve written about it with great style, my school days.

SF: Oh Lord!

NP: Tell us something about my school days in Just A Minute starting now.

SF: My school days were the source of unimaginable pain, despair and disappointment for those who taught me! For myself they were unmeasured bliss from start to finish! I was a wretched child, misbehaved at every possible point and turn. I was expelled from more schools than many of us could name. And for good reason, I was a shocker! Horrible! Nasty! Unpleasant! Vicious! Lying! Duplicitous! Um...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged... Iíve never heard anybody put himself down so much! The audience were in shock! This man we love and admire immensely...

SF: Oh dear!

NP: Well anyway Paul your challenge?

PM: It was hesitation.

NP: Hesitation.

PM: Ran out of bad things to say about himself!

NP: So you have the subject and my school days and there are 31, no, 27 seconds starting now.

PM: My school days, difficult really. I went to several different schools. The first one, I remember quite clearly, was a nursery school in Fulham. And there was one particular incident one lunchtime.. ah!

BUZZ

NP: Oh! Liza you challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: I got in with a bit of repetition there.

NP: You did get in with repetition, you have a point Liza you have 27 seconds, tell us something about my school days starting now.

LT: My school days were wonderful. I enjoyed them from beginning to end. My favourite subjects would include things like art. I was particularly good at biology, funnily enough. And PE which is physical education. I used to trot down to the games field for a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of I used to.

NP: I used to.

LT: Ah thatíd be right.

NP: Yes.

LT: At least Iíve broken the ice! (laughs)

NP: Clement, another point, and 12 seconds, my school days starting now.

CF: My school days were varied.

BUZZ

NP: Sometimes in this game if they get a laugh theyíre satisfied. Liza you came in first.

LT: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, 10 more seconds on my school days please starting now.

LT: I remember the Lacks field, otherwise known as La Crosse...

BUZZ

NP: Um Stephen challenged.

SF: That was her second field, you took down to the games field.

LT: Yeah youíre right.

NP: You went down to the games field, right, yes indeed, well listened there. Stephen, seven seconds available, my school days starting now.

SF: My school days straddled the period from round about 1960 to 1970...

BUZZ

SF: Bugger! Two! All one word!

NP: Clement, right, you challenged, what was it for?

CF: Repetition.

NP: Repetition yes.

SF: Itís all one word! Nineteen-sixty and 1972, all one word!

CF: No.

SF: No, it isnít, youíre right! I mean point to him.

NP: It appears in writing like that...

SF: Yes.

NP: But weíre dealing in the word of sound so we go by what you say. My school days, three seconds Clement starting now.

CF: My autobiography called Freud Ego...

WHISTLE

NP: You got a very subdued laugh when you mentioned your autobiography I thought, Clement. But you were speaking as the whistle went, so you gain an extra point and youíre now in the lead at the end of that round. Liza Tarbuck would you take the next round, the subject is snobs. Tell us something about snobs in Just A Minute starting now.

LT: A snob is a person who believes they are of higher social standing than some other people. Therefore they may be rather condescending to those types. Famous snobs for me would include Captain Mainwaring of Dadís Army fa, er, fame...

BUZZ

LT: Oh!

NP: Paul?

PM: A sort of, sort of hesitation over fame.

NP: Yes we call that hesitation, yes. You have snobs now, you have 45 seconds starting now.

PM: Well I donít know really. I donít meet many snobs in life. I think weíre all very much the same. Look at Clement. Who would see him now and think that he lost his virginity in Russell Square! Unlike most of us it was in the open air, rather than in the vicinity of a warm bed. But he wasnít caring about this at the time. In fact he mentions it in his autobiography which is called Freud Ego. Heís particularly happy for me to mention...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: He said Clement Freud, and then Freud Ego.

NP: Thatís right, yes.

PM: Oh did I?

NP: Yes, yes, 23 seconds, Stephen you have snobs starting now.

SF: Of course thereís inverted snobbery as well, isnít there? Nobody likes the kind of snob who thinks just because someone wears a cravat and a blazer, theyíre a gibbering idiot. Otherwise people would dislike Nicholas Parsons, and that wouldnít be fair! So there are various kinds if you like of snobbism. Alan Bennett once called it an amiable vice when it looks upwards and of course a vicious one when itís downwards that it regards. And I would agree with that...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Downwards it regards? There was a, Stephen then tried to fluff his way out of a sentence there, I think.

NP: Yes I think it was.

SF: Otherwise it was looks twice, thatís what I was doing.

NP: I think he was going...

SF: Regards means looks and so itís...

NP: I think he kept going with style and panache, so we wouldnít recognise that he was rather mangling the English language which is unusual for Stephen. Yes, I, I call that a deviation from English as we understand it. Right...

SF: Do you?

NP: Yes. And so benefit of the doubt to you Paul, seven, no, only one second, itís not in the game! One second to go, snobs, Paul starting now.

PM: Cravats of course...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained the extra point and er heís now just ahead of Clement Freud at the end of that round. Right Paul itís your turn to begin and the subject is er the A to Z. So can you tell us something about the A to Z in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: The A to Z was invited in the 1930s by a woman called Mavis Drinkwater. It was an extraordinary invention because up to that point nobody else had thought of it. When in the 1920s for example people used to walk around, they would leave their house, go about five minutes down the road...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Itís very late but there was 1930s and then there was 1920s.

PM: Yes there was.

SF: And I was picked up on a similar one, so...

NP: Yes the 19s coming in a lot, yes. Lots of dates are coming in here. Forty-five seconds for you Stephen, you tell us something about the A to Z starting now.

SF: And dear old Drinkwaterís company, I think, still does the graves in Rome...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation.

NP: Why?

PM: Well itís not Mavis Drinkwater, I made that up!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Hence, I said I think! (laughs)

NP: This is a new way to play the game...

SF: I do believe it.

PM: It wasnít Drinkwaterís company!

SF: I said I think! I mean, I didnít say it was. I said I think. I mean, I canít, you know...

NP: I think youíre struggling a little here Stephen.

SF: How so.

NP: I think he cleverly played the game a different way. He created a fiction and you took up the fiction...

SF: But if I challenged him on it, you would, you would have said he was right, because he couldnít, you couldnít prove it.

NP: As I did with Clement earlier.

SF: As happened earlier yes. So youíre deeply inconsistent if I may say so! That does you no credit at all!

NP: And youíre consistently, and youíre consistently clever. Itís always a challenge!

SF: No, no, no! Just...

NP: Um so...

SF: Just striving for fairness! So think on!

NP: Where were we? Who challenged who? Iíve forgotten now! Yes he did so you have the subject back, 43 seconds, the A to Z starting now.

PM: Of course it came from the marvellous brain of Hilda Biscuit. What a wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen you challenged.

SF: I want to give you advance warning that if I win the next challenge, I am going to mention Hilda Biscuit. And if he says heís made her up, I want you to accept that she exists!

NP: I, I donít believe...

SF: I donít believe there is such a woman called Hilda Biscuit!

NP: So you have the benefit of the doubt so itís evenly balanced.

SF: Yes.

NP: You see how fair I always am! So on this one you have the correct challenge, you have ...

PM: No, no! It really was Hilda Biscuit!

SF: We happen to know...

NP: Well I donít believe it was Hilda Biscuit.

PM: Ah no, you see, itís only because I threw you off the scent with Mavis Drinkwater. Hilda Biscuit, you actually look it up. You look at the front of any A to Z, and youíll see ďthe product of the Biscuit CompanyĒ.

NP: I went with you on Mavis Drinkwater, but Hilda Biscuit, I think that one takes the biscuit! Right, 38 seconds, the A to Z with you Stephen starting now.

SF: It may well have been Dorothy Parker who said of er... oh dear!

NP: Clement, yes?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Oh yes, 35 seconds, the A to Z, Clement starting now.

CF: It was actually a woman called Phyllis Pearsall and she...

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: You donít expect us to believe that!

NP: Iíve got to be consistent here. Yes, Paul you get the benefit of the doubt! Twenty-nine seconds, the A to Z starting now.

PM: Itís a remarkable read! The characters arenít particularly lifelike, but the places seem so real. You can go all the way from Platinum Junction down to Brixton and across to the Oval. And then if you fancy you can follow the road through Kennington which will take you to Waterloo. This kind of part of London is very nice because I like it very much, where Charlie...

BUZZ

NP: Liza?

LT: Two verys.

NP: Two verys, yes.

PM: I became about seven years old didnít I? I like it very much!

NP: Liza you got in with eight seconds to go on the subject of the A to Z and you start now.

LT: I find the A to Z Invaluable because Iíve never done the Knowledge which well known London cabbies who bore the neck off...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PM: Ah well known London cabbies? I donít think...

LT: Yes, Fred Housego.

PM: Well thatís one.

LT: I always go with Fred Housego.

PM: I donít think, I donít think there are well known London cabbies.

LT: Well it could be London cabbies who are well known and Iíve just got the punctuation wrong vocally.

SF: Yeah!

CHEERS FROM THE AUDIENCE

LT: Thanks!

SF: Thereís a lot of spunk to this girl!

LT: Oh!

NP: I know, I know, youíve got, you have the audience on your side with you and you have the chairman on your side. I quite agree. I believe there are a lot of well known London cabbies. Thereís not only Fred Housego but...

PM: Do people hail a cab and they say ďoh good, itís Robert Watson!Ē

LAUGHTER FROM LT AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: Heíll see us safely home.

SF: Good point.

NP: Liza an incorrect challenge, you have two seconds to tell us more about the A to Z starting now.

LT: The beautiful journeys that one can take...

WHISTLE

NP: So Liza Tarbuck was then speaking as the whistle went and gained that extra point for doing so and has leapt forward. Sheís still in fourth place but she has leapt. Sheís not very far behind Clement Freud whoís just behind Stephen Fry, and just behind Paul Merton in that order. And Stephen your turn to begin, the subject, going to the optician. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

SF: This is something, melancholy to relate, that I have to do more and more often these days...

BUZZ

SF: Bugger! I said more twice! Damn!

NP: Yes...

SF: Itís a trap for the unwary, this game, isnít it!

NP: I know!

SF: Dear me!

NP: Yes! Particularly with the language! Um...

SF: Oh!

NP: Who challenged? i donít know.

CF: I did.

NP: You did, Clement, what was your challenge?

CF: He said bugger twice!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I know... but not in this round. Was it a serious challenge then?

CF: More and more.

NP: More and more, right, okay Clement. Fifty-six seconds, going to the optician starting now.

CF: You hail a well known cab and ask for any good optician. And the great difficulty is that if you go to an optician you are likely to miss the place where he lives by virtue... of your cycle...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Well probably more likely the place where he works rather than where he lives. Because opticians donít live in their shop. You look at me as if Iím talking nonsense Nicholas!

NP: Um no...

PM: The famous opticians of London, they donít live in their shop.

NP: Ah no...

SF: Mister Tickle and Mister Conway do!

NP: Yes! You have a correct challenge Paul, and 44 seconds, going to the optician starting now.

PM: And if you keep on doing it, youíll go blind! That was a marvellous piece of advice that was given to me on my 18th birthday. So I went to see an opticians and they said ďwell you need glasses.Ē I said ďwell thatís why Iíve come to see you.Ē He said ďthatís lucky, because...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: He went to see him twice.

NP: You went to see him twice.

PM: Well I had to do both eyes!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: Itís a false economy otherwise!

NP: Iím giving out bonus points, he gets one for that...

SF: Yes!

NP: And you get a round of applause from the audience, right. But Stephen got a point from a correct challenge, 34 seconds Stephen, going to the optician starting now.

SF: A mild stigmatism was what I was first prescribed as having. And myopia in the right eye. Itís now developed into presbia which is Greek... of course...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes there was a hesitation.

SF: There was a tidge, wasnít there, yeah.

NP: Yes you were searching for the Greek, I think, werenít you? Twenty-six seconds...

LT: Which of us isnít? (laughs)

SF: Well now please!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Going to the optician, going to the optician Clement starting now.

CF: The extraordinary thing about going to opticians is they wonít see you unless you have glasses or... some other...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: It was a bit of a hesitation.

NP: It was a bit of a hesitation.

CF: Thatís true.

NP: Liza you got in with 20 seconds to go, going to the optician starting now.

LT: I went to the opticians when I was a young girl as I was studying quite hard and I was beginning to get a funny turn in my eye. So Mum took me down to a guy, an ophthalmic opticians who er prescribed me...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Well who er prescribed them. Itís rather mean of me.

HISSES FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Sorry youíre right to hiss. Hiss off! But er yes...

NP: You havenít won many friends with that challenge.

SF: No, Iím sorry, it was cruel. But then thatís patronising for them to treat you as if sheís made of glass! Sheís as strong as we are, you know!

LT: Maybe I like it! (laughs)

NP: It was a correct challenge Stephen, so seven seconds, tell us more about going to the optician starting now.

SF: Canít get on with contact lenses, not at all. Tried them for about two weeks. Made me itch, caused my lachrymal ducts to swell and expand...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Fry with one point from when the whistle went but also other points in the round has moved forward and he is now one ahead of Paul Merton, and heís three ahead of Clement Freud and heís one or two ahead of Liza Tarbuck. And Paul itís your turn to begin, the subject is that sinking feeling. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

PM: As the Titanic left Southampton. Thereís a film actually, made by Bill Forsythe called That Sinking Feeling. It was made in the 1970s and itís quite a good movie. Itís all made on a very low budget and itís about a gang of Glaswegian youngsters who describe themselves as various objects. I donít know what Iím talking about! The Titanic...

BUZZ

PM: As Iíve mentioned twice! I shouldnít have said that out loud, should I?

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Well I thought that a self-confessed person not knowing what he was talking about was almost certainly deviation.

NP: Yes thatís right yes. Forty-three seconds for you Stephen, that sinking feeling starting now.

SF: Though really he did know what he was talking about because That Sinking Feeling was the one that preceded Gregoryís Girl and then Bill Forsytheís Cabinets and...

BUZZ

NP: And Clement challenged.

CF: I, I thought Bill Forsythe but of course, I...

NP: No...

CF: On the subject...

PM: You knew youíd heard the name before!

NP: Yes!

CF: Exactly! Yah!

NP: But it came out of a different mouth and a different person.

CF: Yes! Fine! Right!

NP: And heís facing you and the other one is sitting beside you.

CF: Thank you.

NP: Very very very easy to make a mistake like that, yes. Thirty-seven seconds, an incorrect challenge Stephen so you keep that sinking feeling starting now.

SF: In this game in a way as you start optimistically and youthfully off on a sentence, you develop that sinking feeling as the end approaches and you wonder how on earth youíre going to round it off in some semblance of sense. It doesnít often happen. Sometimes it does and when that occurs of course, youíre very pleased. But that sinking feeling always tells you that at some point youíre going to collapse in a giggle of words and a fart of nonsense which is just about happening to me now, as I feel that sinking feeling coming upon me and I know that Iím not going to get properly to the end of this assemblage of words...

BUZZ

NP: Clement you challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Yes he was going to get to the end.

SF: But I didnít! Because you interrupted!

NP: That is an impossible challenge on which to make a decision...

PM: I was waiting for the fart of nonsense!

NP: I thought he illustrated that quite well actually but er. So he was going to get to the end, that is your challenge, um...

SF: But I didnít because he interrupted me! So he proved himself wrong by interrupting me!

NP: You didnít because you interrupted me so itís an impossible decision. The only thing I can do on this occasion is the thing I do about once in every series...

SF: Oh no! Donít do that!

LT: Please!

LAUGHTER FROM PM AND THE AUDIENCE

SF: Oh you mean ask the audience?

NP: Yes.

SF: Right! All right, do that. Sorry I thought you meant the other thing! Whew!

NP: Stephen you mustnít give too much of my private life away.

SF: Sorry.

NP: Please. And... especially the way you say it! Leaves all kind of imagination there. But er theyíve gone... what I do... is ask the audience to be the superior judge and with the wisdom that I can see is in this audience at the present moment and the wit and the... Would you all decide whether Clement Freud deserves his challenge. And therefore you either cheer for his correct challenge and you boo for an incorrect challenge. And you all do it together now.

CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think the boos had it. It was an incorrect challenge so Stephen you have a point...

SF: Thank you very much!

NP: And you have that sinking feeling...

SF: I owe a lot to boos!

NP: Yes! Youíve had time to gather your forces and your mental acumen together for another nine seconds on that sinking feeling starting now.

SF: That sinking feeling, something of course that golfers look very much forward to as they...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: He said of course before.

NP: You did say of course, yes.

SF: I almost certainly did, I do say it a lot.

NP: Yes.

SF: Iím sorry.

NP: So Clement at last youíve got your point and er youíve got seven seconds, that sinking feeling starting now.

CF: If you putt a golf ball on say the 11th green of St Andrewís and it goes in...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud has moved forward. Heís still in third place but not far behind our joint leaders now which are Stephen Fry and Paul Merton. And weíre moving into the last round. Stephen itís your turn to begin and the subject, oh this isa good subject. Zeus.

SF: Zeus.

NP: Tell us something about Zeus in Just A Minute starting now.

SF: Well itís interesting actually because Uranus and Geyer who were warners and titans of the era before Zeus really reigned, they told Cronos that he would be subsumed and dethroned by his own child. And so he took to the habit...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Isnít this just gossip?

LOUD LONG LAUGHTER FROM SF, LT, NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Give Paul another bonus point for that, but it was an incorrect challenge. No, Zeus was the son of Cronos.

PM: Was he really?

NP: Yes he really was. So you still have Zeus, you have another point and you have 43 seconds starting now.

SF: So the aforementioned master of divinity from whom we get our Greek word for time, took to the habit of eating all his children. Now the mother, Rhea, who was pregnant with the baby Zeus, didnít like this idea at all. So she hid in Crete in a cave en dicta and gave birth to the child...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement challenged.

CF: Weíve had a child.

NP: You had a child.

SF: Oh yes, we have, we have.

NP: Child came too often. So Clement youíve got in with 26 seconds, tell us something about Zeus starting now.

CF: Zeus was a sort of Nicholas Parsons of his day. The God of Gods...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Stephenís challenged.

SF: Zeus was butch, he was all knowing, he was...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, SF, LT AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít know why you clap! Right! Oh there we are. Stephen you challenged, did you.

SF: Yes.

NP: And what is it?

SF: Deviation, he couldnít have been further from Nicholas Parsons. You canít because Zeus was arbitrary, he wasnít judicious, he was capricious, he was mean, he was unfair, ah, he went to bed with little boys. I mean all kinds of things, he was totally different than Nicholas Parsons!

PM: Nicholas itís up to you, are you, are you like Zeus?

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: The thing we like to do is throw it open to Nicholas from time to time!

PM: Shall we ask the audience?

NP: What I, I will ask the audience! What I have to say is in Just A Minute, I have on occasion displayed Zeus-like qualities. And be a God...

PM: I think so!

NP: Yes! And make arbitrary decisions which you all have to accept and live by...

SF: And you once went to bed with a swan, I think as well, didnít you, on Just A Minute?

NP: It wasnít very comfortable, I can tell you!

SF: No, no!

NP: They peck a lot!

SF: Yes!

NP: Um so an incorrect challenge, Clement you still have the subject, you have 20 seconds on Zeus starting now.

CF: Mrs Zeus whose name was Hera nagged him appallingly. He was well...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen...

SF: Sorry, I thought there was a hesitation in there.

NP: There was a hesitation.

SF: I think so yes.

CF: Between two words?

SF: Oh yes!

NP: There was a hesitation Stephen so youíve got the point anyway, 15 seconds, Zeus starting now.

SF: The Romans called him Jupiter or Skyfather and also Yoven from which we get our word jovial, a quality much possessed by...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Did we have father before?

SF: Skyfather is all one word as is Jupiter.

PM: Oh is it? Sorry.

SF: Yeah, it is, Skyfather, itís, itís er itís a sort of mythological word, Skyfather.

LT: Like I know!

SF: Thatís what Jupiter is! Jupiter! Jupiter is the early Latin from which pater came, meaning father! Jupiter is Skyfather. Itís one word.

NP: No, it was me who said that Cronos was er...

PM: I canít tell the difference between you and Zeus! I mean, itís...

NP: I used the word father. Stephen...

PM: Did you?

NP: Actually, yes, nine seconds on Zeus still with you Stephen starting now.

SF: He liked both girls and boys. Europa...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Weíve had boys before.

SF: Boy, we had, boy. Single boy. I accused you of not going to bed with boys earlier outside the actual round.

NP: Thatís the thing you did...

SF: But that wasnít during the round.

NP: You had the boy, singular, in the show, thatís right.

SF: Yeah.

NP: Boys was outside the show, you had a boy in the show.

PM: So, hang on a minute, you go to bed with boys outside of the show?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And Iím Zeus-like in the show, but utterly un-Zeus-like outside!

SF: Right! (laughs)

NP: And so um itís still with you Stephen on Zeus and six seconds starting now.

SF: Gannymede, a very comely youth, or Athoebe was actually promoted into heaven, and we get our name Catamite...

WHISTLE

NP: So it now remains for me to give you the final situation. Liza who gives wonderful value and we love having her on the show finished just in fourth place. She was a few points behind Clement Freud who finished in third place. He was only four points behind Paul Merton who was in second place and he was a number of points behind Stephen Fry because that one subject, earlier on, he surged with such an incredible pace. Heís got a commanding lead, and we say Stephen you are our winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four exciting players of the game, Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. Also to thank Janet Staplehurst for helping me with the stopwatch and blowing her whistle so delicately when the 60 seconds was up. And also we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we thank our producer Claire Jones for trying to keep us in order. And we are grateful to this audience who have cheered us on our way magnificently! From them, from me, from the panel, and me Nicholas Parsons, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC