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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 February 1980)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. They’re all going to try and speak as usual if they can for 60 seconds on the subject that I will give them and they will also try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the contest with Peter Jones. And the subject Peter is bugling. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. PETER JONES: We hear a bugle call from the barracks near our house at six o’clock every morning, and at the same time in the evening. I don’t know what company it is... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KENNETH WILLIAMS: Repetition of in the, in the. NP: What a mean little challenge! And so early in the show. KW: That’s right! It is mean, isn’t it! NP: Mmmm! And I remember a few weeks ago you were really blowing your top about someone challenging so... KW: You’re like an elephant in that sense! LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE NP: And you always say let each person get under way with his subject before a challenge. So I don’t think I’m going to allow it and say that Peter can keep bugling starting now. PJ: Those wonderful sisters, Pattie, Laverne, Maxine, used to sing about the Bugle Boys, I remember when I was er comparatively young... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Hesitation I thought. NP: Yes I agree with that one Kenneth. And you have a point there for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of bugling and er 40 seconds left starting now. KW: Bugling is a great art. And the feature of successful bugling lies (pauses) ... BUZZ KW: Who challenged? NP: Sheila Hancock. KW: I think it’s absolutely disgraceful! I come here, a noted luminary, and I’m subjected to these ludicrous... PJ: He’s having the jim-jams! NP: Yeah! You are known at the BBC as the ludicrous luminary! KW: Hear hear, hear hear! NP: So Sheila you have a correct challenge for hesitation, you have a point and the subject and 32 seconds are left, bugling starting now. SHEILA HANCOCK: Bugling is something that gives me great pleasure! I think on the Remembrance Day services in the little villages. occasionally you’ll have a bugle call doing The Last Post. And there is nothing more evocative and moving than that. Also boy scouts when they first learn this instrument can be a very touching sight. Their first attempt at music... BUZZ NP: DereK Nimmo’s challenged. DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of first. NP: That’s right Derek, and eight seconds for you... DN: I don’t think boy scouts blow the bugle anyway! NP: They do try. Eight seconds, bugling Derek starting now. DN: Bugling is a very ancient art. It goes right back to Roman times. The very first bugles were made from ram’s horns and that’s why... WHISTLE NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and it was on that occasion Derek Nimmo who has the lead at the end of that round. And Derek would you begin the next round, the subject, fiddlesticks. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now. DN: Well actually of course, the word fiddlesticks has a frightfully rude derivation. Because it really meant the male member. And that is why Shakespeare in one of his plays which we all remember so hugely well, talked about a man riding on his fiddlestick! And that I think is quite disgusting, because it’s like those spherical objects which we mention sometimes when we mean rubbish. And that’s why fiddlesticks means something equally the same. And I find it’s awfully difficult to talk about such a disgusting, disgraceful subject as fiddlesticks... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of disgusting. NP: Yes it was, wasn’t it. And you are correct Peter, and you have 34 seconds on fiddlesticks starting now. PJ: Well I can only assume they’re something to do with playing the fiddle. Those things that you attach.. in horsehair... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: I thought hesitation. NP: And you thought correctly and there are 27 seconds on fiddlesticks starting now. KW: This is like all other words which have become corrupted over the years and we lose sight of the original intention of the coiner, I believe is the correct word for the etymological source... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged. SH: Did he repeat word? DN: Word? KW: If you don’t know what your challenge is, dear, you shouldn’t make it at all! SH: Well! I just thought I’d make my presence felt! KW: Yes with the usual presumption of your sex! SH: I know! KW: You see, she jumped in... SH: You shouldn’t have women on the show! KW: No, they shouldn’t have women on this show! It’s a disgrace! NP: Kenneth you keep the subject and there are 15 seconds left... SH: You got a point! NP: ... on fiddlesticks starting now. KW: Fiddlesticks as of course Mister Jones has said earlier on... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Well he’s about to repeat it! NP: What? SH: I mean if Peter’s already said it, why should he repeat it? NP: Because he can repeat it, as long as Peter doesn’t repeat what he said in the round. SH: Well in that case you could just say exactly what the person before you said! NP: You can! SH: You must change the rules! I mean it would make for a very boring game if I did exactly what the person before did. NP: Well, I don’t... PJ: It’s often boring the first time! SH: I just want to give Kenneth another point! Go on! NP: Yes! So Kenneth she’s given you another point, fiddlesticks, 10 seconds starting now. KW: These were small pieces of wood, placed these two... oh dear me! BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock. SH: Deviation, hesitation and everything else! NP: Well I’ll give it to you on one of them and you have eight seconds on fiddlesticks starting now. SH: I wish there was something that stuck fiddles, because my daughter’s just broken hers and it’s going to cost a fortune to replace it. You would not believe... WHISTLE NP: Well Sheila Hancock was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and she’s now in second place. But you’ll be delighted to hear that Kenneth Williams is in the lead at the end of that round. So all that fiddlesticking has taken him into a commanding lead of one! Kenneth it’s your turn to begin and the subject is burns. Will you tell us something about that subject in 60 seconds starting now. KW: Well he was a very great poet. Born in Ayr, as a matter of fact. And a very ordinary sort of schooling. No-one would have dreamed in that period that he was going to flower into this great native genius of... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Repetition of great. NP: Yes I’m afraid there was Kenneth. Sheila you got in well with 47 seconds to go on Burns starting now. SH: It’s very interesting. I always thought that for a burn you had to put on something greasy. And I think a lot of people believe this. In fact of course it is the absolute opposite... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Repetition, two thinks. NP: Yes. KW: I used to think, and a lot of people think. NP: Yes you are right Kenneth, I had to think for a moment... KW: Oh dear, we keep on jogging your memory, don’t we! How he ever got the job as chairman, I don’t know! NP: I think they were pretty desperate at the time! KW: Yes they must have been! NP: I have to think about... DN: Can we put that to the audience? NP: No, I don’t think I’ll risk it! Kenneth there are 37 seconds on burns starting now. KW: He wrote, “ah would the gift he gee us to see ourselves as others see us.” What wisdom in those lines! I have that capacity myself, because I have, what you call, self-awareness, the second sight, the sixth sense, if you will. Of being able to be objective about the persona you yourself embody... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Deviation, is this truly about Burns? I think he’s talking about his own feelings. NP: I think he’s talking about Kenneth Williams now, and not about Burns. SH: Yes. NP: And once he’d brought himself into it, he couldn’t get off the subject, could he? So... LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE NP: For the sake of our listeners, Kenneth Williams has now put his arm around Sheila Hancock. SH: Oh dear! I’ve never sat next to him on this programme! It’s very disconcerting! NP: I know! He’s now going to try and inhibit you all... SH: No wonder Clement’s so odd! LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Well he’s now going to try and nobble her or unsettle Sheila as she talks on the subject of Burns with 14 seconds to go starting now. SH: In the interests of public safety, I will continue what I was saying. For in fact of course what you do is to put the burn under cold water. To bring the temperature down, i suppose. And then call an ambulance or help as quickly as you can... WHISTLE NP: However please don’t take medical advice from Just A Minute. If you’re unsure, do consult your doctor. KW: On the contrary, that was very sound advice! SH: That’s right! KW: Very sound! She endorsed exactly what I was told by a specialist at Bath Hospital, one of the most brilliant men who’s concerned about that kind of thing. And he endorsed it. And she couldn’t have put it more eloquently! In fact I couldn’t have done it better myself! SH: Oh! (laughs) KW: And that’s saying something, that is! NP: Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went, and she had an extra point therefore and she’s now taken the lead ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Sheila it’s your turn to begin and the subject is winning. You’re in a winning position at the moment so will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now. SH: I have a deep instinct to want to win. I think it was ingrained in me by my father, who when I used to come home from school and say I was second in an exam, would always say “who was first?” And I then decided that that was the thing you should be. But I now believe that that is a stupid way to face life. My daughter who I brought up quite differently seems to me to be a much nicer person because she hasn’t got this striving ambition to be top all the time, and has much more respect rather than envy for the people who beat her. However on this game I do sometimes feel I want to win! Because the boys are so rude to the guests and sometimes they are so arrogant and frightening and they use all sorts of ploys to put you off. So therefore it is a feather in your cap if you can actually keep talking for five... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Just putting another feather in her cap! I thought I’d give her another point, you know. NP: The audience... they realise what you were doing. An incorrect challenge so Sheila gets another point to help her winning position and... SH: How long have I got to go? NP: You’ve got two seconds... SH: Ooooh! NP: ... having taken some charity, on the subject of winning starting now. SH: I have winning ways when I... WHISTLE NP: So Sheila Hancock took the subject of winning, and most eloquently I thought, kept going for 58 seconds. She was interrupted so she gets another point and she has increased her lead into a more winning position than before. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin and the subject is how to encourage salmonella, 60 seconds starting now. DN: Hang on, I’m just going to write it down. NP: Hesitation, well done! DN: Well I mean... right, okay! NP: The subject Derek is... PJ: I suppose in case you forget the subject while you’re talking about it, you write it down. Is that it? Probably I ought to do that! NP: Derek Nimmo’s now written the subject down, which is how to encourage salmon ella and he starts now. DN: You leave lots of bits of meat outside, and it can go all mildewy and musty, disgusting, covered with bugs and rubbish, shove them in the bin, and then stuff them into Kenneth Williams’ mouth! And he chokes and groans! And with any luck at all, he’ll develop salmonella and we’ll be rid of him from this earth once and for all! BUZZ DN: And we’ll never have him again, playing this game of Just A Minute! NP: (shouting) Sheila Hancock has challenged you! Yes Sheila? SH: I think it’s singularly nasty and devious to talk about Kenneth like that! KW: Thank you! SH: However apart from that, I don’t think you develop salmonella yourself. That’s not what you get. You get food poisoning as a result of salmonella, don’t you? Isn’t salmonella the squiggly things that grow on the food? NP: Well done Sheila! Marvellous! Yes congratulations! SH: Thank you! NP: Nice to have intelligent people on the programme, isn’t it! Thirty-two seconds... SH: What is the subject? NP: How to encourage salmonella. SH: How to encourage salmonella? NP: Thirty-two seconds are left for you to talk on it starting now. SH: Well I would say “salmonella, pull yourself together. Go on, girl, you can do it! I believe in you salmonella, there’s nothing you can’t do if you attempt it. The world’s your oyster, salmonella. I am encouraging you to succeed, to win against Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, salmonella, because I believe in you!” I said that before... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, yes? DN: Repetition. NP: Yes and there are six seconds left for how to encourage salmonella Derek starting now. DN: Oh it is me? Oh yes, salmonella, well I think one should encourage it because sometimes when it begins to grow within... WHISTLE NP: So Derek Nimmo got a few points in that round. He’s pulling up now, he’s in third place just ahead of Peter Jones. Kenneth in third and Sheila Hancock still leading in a winning position. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin and the subject is piceformes. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now. KW: Piceformes simply means relating to the species of woodpecker birds. I don’t see anything particularly interesting about that for this audience. I don’t think they would give a damn about this woodpecker at all. I don’t think they care... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Oh God! Fool that I am! Repetition of woodpecker. NP: Yeah there were two woodpeckers there. SH: Right, well you talk about piceformes! NP: So Sheila Hancock, with 49 seconds left, is going to try talking on piceformes starting now. SH: Well it’s obviously derived from the Latin, pisces... KW: It’s not at all! SH: ... and a form of, meaning a type of fish... KW: It doesn’t mean that at all! SH: ... Kenneth is absolutely wrong, woodpeckers don’t enter into it! Has anybody challenged me? BUZZ KW: She’s wrong! It is nothing to do with pisces. It does mean relating to woodpeckers. NP: You’re perfectly right, yes. KW: Thank you. NP: So you have the subject back. KW: Oh thank you. NP: And there are 35 seconds on piceformes starting now. KW: One of the men who was I suppose one of the most authoritative experts on this subject said “what a wonderfully readable, readable, deedable, follow-my-leadable, is that inbreedable, oh yes indeedable, centuries this piceformes era has been.” And what he meant was that the very pecking act itself, because don’t forget, they are pecking insects out of the bark in the process of doing this thing I’ve just discussed already and don’t want to say again, lest these dreadful people here... BUZZ NP: And Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: (speaks in gibberish) Um... NP: I would agree with that Peter! Wholeheartedly, yes. Very good impersonation as well. So deviation? PJ: Yes. NP: Seven seconds starting now. PJ: These wretched woodpeckers live on insects and they have to rattle them out of the bark of the tree and... BUZZ NP: Kenneth... KW: I’ve just said all that! We don’t want to hear it again! I mean people are nodding off! He’s so bored, he’s dropped off! Look at him! He doesn’t want to hear all this rubbish again! He doesn’t know what to say! He’s only doing, buzzing, to try and score points! That’s all he’s doing it for! NP: Yes it’s a strange thing. There wouldn’t be a game if they didn’t do that. Peter an incorrect challenge because you can repeat what someone else has said, but not what you said yourself. Two seconds are left, piceformes starting now. PJ: Lacking an electric drill, the only thing it’s got is a beak... WHISTLE NP: Well now we have the situation that Peter Jones has pulled up into second place, alongside Kenneth Williams... PJ: Ah! NP: ... overtaking Derek Nimmo, with Sheila Hancock still in the lead. And Sheila will begin the next round and the subject is the greatest woman who ever lived. SH: Oh! NP: I’m sure you’ve got some ideas on that Sheila. Would you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now. SH: Well this was a lady called Trudie Stevens who weighed about 28 stone. When she was born she was perfectly normal, but she ate an awful lot of food as life went on. Maybe because she was a bit miserable or something, and gradually she put on weight until she became the greatest woman in the world. It had some disadvantages in that she couldn’t buy clothes to fit her, and it was difficult getting through the average doorway or sitting in a seat in the theatre. But somehow she managed, and eventually she went in to a circus and became exhibited as the greatest woman in the world. And people paid good money to go and have a look at her (starts to laugh) and I’m talking a load of rubbish! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has sportingly challenged you. SH: Nobody challenged! KW: Yes I thought she was rather running out of steam, so I challenged. NP: She was, she more than hesitated. SH: I was so ashamed because it’s all lies! KW: I should think you should be, yes! NP: But you did keep going for 49 seconds, bad luck Sheila! But Kenneth will now tell us something about the greatest woman who ever lived starting now. KW: This unquestionably was Helen of Troy who, as you know, caused a thousand... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: It’s deviation because it’s not unquestionable, is it? NP: In his mind, in his mind, it is. You question it, but in his mind it is not deviating from the subject on the card. So you can disagree but he wasn’t deviating. So five seconds left on the subject Kenneth starting now. KW: Sheba still turns her head for the sound of great Solomon, Judith is blessing the bed... WHISTLE NP: So Kenneth Williams got a number of points in that round, including the one for speaking as the whistle went. And he’s only one behind our leader now, Sheila Hancock. Peter Jones, your turn to begin and the subject is motorway food. Will you tell us something about that... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: It’s got a reaction from the audience already! Starting now. PJ: I don’t think I’d be able to talk about it, any more than I could eat it, without repeating myself! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE PJ: But I do think it’s appalling, the stuff they serve up to people who are more or less a captive audience. There’s no choice unless they drive off the motorway which is a good idea actually. There’s no need to hurry. Go on a side road where you may find a friendly little pub, or other restaurant, cafe... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: He’s now talking about food to be found on the byways and little side road. He’s not talking about motorway food. NP: Yeah I don’t think you gave him time. He’d only just gone off the motorway, just literally a few seconds before. DN: I see. NP: If he’d gone on much longer on those byways and sideways then I would have agreed, deviation. But no, Peter you have the subject still and there are 37 seconds, 38 starting now. PJ: Whereas on the motorway itself, they’re serving wet vegetables that have been grossly overcooked, and ghastly hamburgers which really bear no relation at all to the minced meat products that they should be. Because they’ve got a lot of foreign matter, salmonella very often I dare say, in them. And the chips have been hot for days at a time. I could figure that they make them on a Monday and they... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo’s challenged. DN: Deviation, they’ve been cold for days at a time. NP: I can’t hear you Derek, sorry. DN: Just wanted to chip in! GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Peter I think you still have the subject and there are um 13 seconds left starting now. PJ: The sandwiches have to be seen to be believed. They are wrapped in cellophane or some modern equivalent. And they too have been prepared some distant spot from... WHISTLE NP: So Peter Jones started with motorway food, and in spite of interruptions finished with motorway food. But it did mean he got a number of points on the way. He’s still in third place but only one behind Kenneth Williams, who’s only one behind Sheila Hancock. And it’s Derek Nimmo’s turn to begin, the subject is just desserts. Following the motorway food, um, rather apt. And there are 60 seconds to try and talk on it Derek starting now. DN: I think probably of all the deserts that I’ve been to, the Carew is the most interesting... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: No, it’s not even spelt the same! It is? Deserts and desserts. NP: No, it is pronunciation, and I did say just desserts and not just deserts. So Sheila you have the subject with 53 seconds left, just desserts starting now. SH: Well I am only really cooking... bah! BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams challenged. KW: Hesitation I thought. NP: Yes, I think you are right. PJ: Not cooking with gas! NP: Just desserts she was cooking there. There are 49 seconds left on just desserts Kenneth starting now. KW: Just deserts are seldom given to those who properly should have incurred them. Those who say motorway food, talking rubbish, since motorways never get hungry, and wouldn’t want any... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock challenged. SH: Repetition of motorway. NP: Yes, motorway, it’s not the subject. It’s just desserts is the subject and Sheila has it back and there are 37 seconds starting now. SH: Just desserts are the things that I cook best, because I’m rather frightened of the main course. So I am inclined to make the odd trifle or fruit salad or meringue gateau or glasse cake, or ice cream with blancmange... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: She’s had about five ors! SH: Oh! KW: She wasn’t rowing a boat! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE KW: Ah, laugh! SH: This is a rotten game! KW: I nearly bought me own beer! (laughs loudly) NP: We don’t want five ors in Just A Minute, do we? KW: That’s right! NP: So there are 17... 17 seconds for you to talk on just desserts Kenneth starting now. KW: They should come to those who transgress, and when Napoleon got his eye read, everyone was delighted!The same with Adolf Hitler! The same with... BUZZ NP: And Sheila has challenged. SH: The same, the same. NP: The same. KW: But I get so worked up, you know! NP: Just desserts Sheila, five seconds starting now. SH: Jellies, lychees, peaches and cream, bananas... WHISTLE NP: Well Sheila Hancock, cleverly going with just desserts got her just deserts by increasing her lead at the end of the round. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, and the subject, map reading. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now. KW: If you understand the signs, then it is all right. You will know what the contour shadings stand for and understand as you approach... BUZZ NP: Sheila Hancock. SH: Understand. NP: Yes I’m afraid so Kenneth, 47 seconds, map reading Sheila starting now. SH: I seem to do most of my map reading in the car with an irate husband driving. And I can never read it without my glasses which I seem to invariably have forgotten... BUZZ NP: Derek Nimmo challenged. DN: Repetition of seem. NP: Yes well done Derek, 35 seconds on map reading starting now. DN: I first learnt to read maps when I was in the wolf cubs. I got a badge to prove I could read maps, and I found it the most interesting thing. As I’ve gone through life, I look through them like books. And I watch and see where the trees grow, where lakes are to be found. Squares with a cross on top mean churches with a tower. Circles mean something similar with a spire. And I do have a good map to... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: Well I have to er against my better judgement perhaps, interrupt because he did repeat mean, you see. But then I wouldn’t normally have objected to that, but he had previously objected to Sheila saying seem twice. NP: So why the long preamble? PJ: It’s such a small word, well, it seems rather quibbling. NP: Peter you challenged for repetition and I agree and there are 13 seconds for you to talk on map reading starting now. PJ: Yes, in the car, that’s the usual place that people indulge in this. And believe me, it can break up practically any partnership if you do it for any length of time, and you don’t know where you’re going. Whoever is driving... WHISTLE NP: So that loud whistle then by Ian Messiter tells us that it’s not only the end of the round, but also the end of the contest. So to give you the final score. Derek Nimmo, who has triumphed more than once in this game, he came this time only in fourth place. But that is the luck of the draw. Peter Jones who’s also triumphed occasionally, in third place. Kenneth Williams who occasionally triumphs, came in second place. And Sheila Hancock who only plays the game very occasionally has once again completely triumphed! So when we think back to what she had to say about winning earlier on, we realise how apt it was. We congratulate her, lovely to have her on the programme. Lovely to have the boys sometimes too, and lovely to have the audience in the studio. But most of all it’s lovely to have the people who tune in and listen to Just A Minute. And we hope that you’ll want to do it again when once again we take to the air and we play this game. Till then from all of us here good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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