JAM:KWilliams,DNimmo,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 12 February 1980)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away, here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. Theyíre all going to try and speak as usual if they can for 60 seconds on the subject that I will give them and they will also try and do it without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject on the card. And we begin the contest with Peter Jones. And the subject Peter is bugling. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

PETER JONES: We hear a bugle call from the barracks near our house at six oíclock every morning, and at the same time in the evening. I donít know what company it is...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: Repetition of in the, in the.

NP: What a mean little challenge! And so early in the show.

KW: Thatís right! It is mean, isnít it!

NP: Mmmm! And I remember a few weeks ago you were really blowing your top about someone challenging so...

KW: Youíre like an elephant in that sense!

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: And you always say let each person get under way with his subject before a challenge. So I donít think Iím going to allow it and say that Peter can keep bugling starting now.

PJ: Those wonderful sisters, Pattie, Laverne, Maxine, used to sing about the Bugle Boys, I remember when I was er comparatively young...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes I agree with that one Kenneth. And you have a point there for a correct challenge and you take over the subject of bugling and er 40 seconds left starting now.

KW: Bugling is a great art. And the feature of successful bugling lies (pauses) ...

BUZZ

KW: Who challenged?

NP: Sheila Hancock.

KW: I think itís absolutely disgraceful! I come here, a noted luminary, and Iím subjected to these ludicrous...

PJ: Heís having the jim-jams!

NP: Yeah! You are known at the BBC as the ludicrous luminary!

KW: Hear hear, hear hear!

NP: So Sheila you have a correct challenge for hesitation, you have a point and the subject and 32 seconds are left, bugling starting now.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Bugling is something that gives me great pleasure! I think on the Remembrance Day services in the little villages. occasionally youíll have a bugle call doing The Last Post. And there is nothing more evocative and moving than that. Also boy scouts when they first learn this instrument can be a very touching sight. Their first attempt at music...

BUZZ

NP: DereK Nimmoís challenged.

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition of first.

NP: Thatís right Derek, and eight seconds for you...

DN: I donít think boy scouts blow the bugle anyway!

NP: They do try. Eight seconds, bugling Derek starting now.

DN: Bugling is a very ancient art. It goes right back to Roman times. The very first bugles were made from ramís horns and thatís why...

WHISTLE

NP: When Ian Messiter blows his whistle it tells us that 60 seconds is up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra point, and it was on that occasion Derek Nimmo who has the lead at the end of that round. And Derek would you begin the next round, the subject, fiddlesticks. Can you tell us something about that in 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Well actually of course, the word fiddlesticks has a frightfully rude derivation. Because it really meant the male member. And that is why Shakespeare in one of his plays which we all remember so hugely well, talked about a man riding on his fiddlestick! And that I think is quite disgusting, because itís like those spherical objects which we mention sometimes when we mean rubbish. And thatís why fiddlesticks means something equally the same. And I find itís awfully difficult to talk about such a disgusting, disgraceful subject as fiddlesticks...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of disgusting.

NP: Yes it was, wasnít it. And you are correct Peter, and you have 34 seconds on fiddlesticks starting now.

PJ: Well I can only assume theyíre something to do with playing the fiddle. Those things that you attach.. in horsehair...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams.

KW: I thought hesitation.

NP: And you thought correctly and there are 27 seconds on fiddlesticks starting now.

KW: This is like all other words which have become corrupted over the years and we lose sight of the original intention of the coiner, I believe is the correct word for the etymological source...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Did he repeat word?

DN: Word?

KW: If you donít know what your challenge is, dear, you shouldnít make it at all!

SH: Well! I just thought Iíd make my presence felt!

KW: Yes with the usual presumption of your sex!

SH: I know!

KW: You see, she jumped in...

SH: You shouldnít have women on the show!

KW: No, they shouldnít have women on this show! Itís a disgrace!

NP: Kenneth you keep the subject and there are 15 seconds left...

SH: You got a point!

NP: ... on fiddlesticks starting now.

KW: Fiddlesticks as of course Mister Jones has said earlier on...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Well heís about to repeat it!

NP: What?

SH: I mean if Peterís already said it, why should he repeat it?

NP: Because he can repeat it, as long as Peter doesnít repeat what he said in the round.

SH: Well in that case you could just say exactly what the person before you said!

NP: You can!

SH: You must change the rules! I mean it would make for a very boring game if I did exactly what the person before did.

NP: Well, I donít...

PJ: Itís often boring the first time!

SH: I just want to give Kenneth another point! Go on!

NP: Yes! So Kenneth sheís given you another point, fiddlesticks, 10 seconds starting now.

KW: These were small pieces of wood, placed these two... oh dear me!

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Deviation, hesitation and everything else!

NP: Well Iíll give it to you on one of them and you have eight seconds on fiddlesticks starting now.

SH: I wish there was something that stuck fiddles, because my daughterís just broken hers and itís going to cost a fortune to replace it. You would not believe...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheila Hancock was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and sheís now in second place. But youíll be delighted to hear that Kenneth Williams is in the lead at the end of that round. So all that fiddlesticking has taken him into a commanding lead of one! Kenneth itís your turn to begin and the subject is burns. Will you tell us something about that subject in 60 seconds starting now.

KW: Well he was a very great poet. Born in Ayr, as a matter of fact. And a very ordinary sort of schooling. No-one would have dreamed in that period that he was going to flower into this great native genius of...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of great.

NP: Yes Iím afraid there was Kenneth. Sheila you got in well with 47 seconds to go on Burns starting now.

SH: Itís very interesting. I always thought that for a burn you had to put on something greasy. And I think a lot of people believe this. In fact of course it is the absolute opposite...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Repetition, two thinks.

NP: Yes.

KW: I used to think, and a lot of people think.

NP: Yes you are right Kenneth, I had to think for a moment...

KW: Oh dear, we keep on jogging your memory, donít we! How he ever got the job as chairman, I donít know!

NP: I think they were pretty desperate at the time!

KW: Yes they must have been!

NP: I have to think about...

DN: Can we put that to the audience?

NP: No, I donít think Iíll risk it! Kenneth there are 37 seconds on burns starting now.

KW: He wrote, ďah would the gift he gee us to see ourselves as others see us.Ē
What wisdom in those lines! I have that capacity myself, because I have, what you call, self-awareness, the second sight, the sixth sense, if you will. Of being able to be objective about the persona you yourself embody...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Deviation, is this truly about Burns? I think heís talking about his own feelings.

NP: I think heís talking about Kenneth Williams now, and not about Burns.

SH: Yes.

NP: And once heíd brought himself into it, he couldnít get off the subject, could he? So...

LAUGHTER FROM PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: For the sake of our listeners, Kenneth Williams has now put his arm around Sheila Hancock.

SH: Oh dear! Iíve never sat next to him on this programme! Itís very disconcerting!

NP: I know! Heís now going to try and inhibit you all...

SH: No wonder Clementís so odd!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Well heís now going to try and nobble her or unsettle Sheila as she talks on the subject of Burns with 14 seconds to go starting now.

SH: In the interests of public safety, I will continue what I was saying. For in fact of course what you do is to put the burn under cold water. To bring the temperature down, i suppose. And then call an ambulance or help as quickly as you can...

WHISTLE

NP: However please donít take medical advice from Just A Minute. If youíre unsure, do consult your doctor.

KW: On the contrary, that was very sound advice!

SH: Thatís right!

KW: Very sound! She endorsed exactly what I was told by a specialist at Bath Hospital, one of the most brilliant men whoís concerned about that kind of thing. And he endorsed it. And she couldnít have put it more eloquently! In fact I couldnít have done it better myself!

SH: Oh! (laughs)

KW: And thatís saying something, that is!

NP: Sheila Hancock was speaking when the whistle went, and she had an extra point therefore and sheís now taken the lead ahead of Kenneth Williams. And Sheila itís your turn to begin and the subject is winning. Youíre in a winning position at the moment so will you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.

SH: I have a deep instinct to want to win. I think it was ingrained in me by my father, who when I used to come home from school and say I was second in an exam, would always say ďwho was first?Ē And I then decided that that was the thing you should be. But I now believe that that is a stupid way to face life. My daughter who I brought up quite differently seems to me to be a much nicer person because she hasnít got this striving ambition to be top all the time, and has much more respect rather than envy for the people who beat her. However on this game I do sometimes feel I want to win! Because the boys are so rude to the guests and sometimes they are so arrogant and frightening and they use all sorts of ploys to put you off. So therefore it is a feather in your cap if you can actually keep talking for five...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Just putting another feather in her cap! I thought Iíd give her another point, you know.

NP: The audience... they realise what you were doing. An incorrect challenge so Sheila gets another point to help her winning position and...

SH: How long have I got to go?

NP: Youíve got two seconds...

SH: Ooooh!

NP: ... having taken some charity, on the subject of winning starting now.

SH: I have winning ways when I...

WHISTLE

NP: So Sheila Hancock took the subject of winning, and most eloquently I thought, kept going for 58 seconds. She was interrupted so she gets another point and she has increased her lead into a more winning position than before. Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin and the subject is how to encourage salmonella, 60 seconds starting now.

DN: Hang on, Iím just going to write it down.

NP: Hesitation, well done!

DN: Well I mean... right, okay!

NP: The subject Derek is...

PJ: I suppose in case you forget the subject while youíre talking about it, you write it down. Is that it? Probably I ought to do that!

NP: Derek Nimmoís now written the subject down, which is how to encourage salmon ella and he starts now.

DN: You leave lots of bits of meat outside, and it can go all mildewy and musty, disgusting, covered with bugs and rubbish, shove them in the bin, and then stuff them into Kenneth Williamsí mouth! And he chokes and groans! And with any luck at all, heíll develop salmonella and weíll be rid of him from this earth once and for all!

BUZZ

DN: And weíll never have him again, playing this game of Just A Minute!

NP: (shouting) Sheila Hancock has challenged you! Yes Sheila?

SH: I think itís singularly nasty and devious to talk about Kenneth like that!

KW: Thank you!

SH: However apart from that, I donít think you develop salmonella yourself. Thatís not what you get. You get food poisoning as a result of salmonella, donít you? Isnít salmonella the squiggly things that grow on the food?

NP: Well done Sheila! Marvellous! Yes congratulations!

SH: Thank you!

NP: Nice to have intelligent people on the programme, isnít it! Thirty-two seconds...

SH: What is the subject?

NP: How to encourage salmonella.

SH: How to encourage salmonella?

NP: Thirty-two seconds are left for you to talk on it starting now.

SH: Well I would say ďsalmonella, pull yourself together. Go on, girl, you can do it! I believe in you salmonella, thereís nothing you canít do if you attempt it. The worldís your oyster, salmonella. I am encouraging you to succeed, to win against Derek Nimmo and Peter Jones and Kenneth Williams, salmonella, because I believe in you!Ē I said that before...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, yes?

DN: Repetition.

NP: Yes and there are six seconds left for how to encourage salmonella Derek starting now.

DN: Oh it is me? Oh yes, salmonella, well I think one should encourage it because sometimes when it begins to grow within...

WHISTLE

NP: So Derek Nimmo got a few points in that round. Heís pulling up now, heís in third place just ahead of Peter Jones. Kenneth in third and Sheila Hancock still leading in a winning position. Kenneth Williams your turn to begin and the subject is piceformes. Can you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: Piceformes simply means relating to the species of woodpecker birds. I donít see anything particularly interesting about that for this audience. I donít think they would give a damn about this woodpecker at all. I donít think they care...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Oh God! Fool that I am! Repetition of woodpecker.

NP: Yeah there were two woodpeckers there.

SH: Right, well you talk about piceformes!

NP: So Sheila Hancock, with 49 seconds left, is going to try talking on piceformes starting now.

SH: Well itís obviously derived from the Latin, pisces...

KW: Itís not at all!

SH: ... and a form of, meaning a type of fish...

KW: It doesnít mean that at all!

SH: ... Kenneth is absolutely wrong, woodpeckers donít enter into it! Has anybody challenged me?

BUZZ

KW: Sheís wrong! It is nothing to do with pisces. It does mean relating to woodpeckers.

NP: Youíre perfectly right, yes.

KW: Thank you.

NP: So you have the subject back.

KW: Oh thank you.

NP: And there are 35 seconds on piceformes starting now.

KW: One of the men who was I suppose one of the most authoritative experts on this subject said ďwhat a wonderfully readable, readable, deedable, follow-my-leadable, is that inbreedable, oh yes indeedable, centuries this piceformes era has been.Ē And what he meant was that the very pecking act itself, because donít forget, they are pecking insects out of the bark in the process of doing this thing Iíve just discussed already and donít want to say again, lest these dreadful people here...

BUZZ

NP: And Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: (speaks in gibberish) Um...

NP: I would agree with that Peter! Wholeheartedly, yes. Very good impersonation as well. So deviation?

PJ: Yes.

NP: Seven seconds starting now.

PJ: These wretched woodpeckers live on insects and they have to rattle them out of the bark of the tree and...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth...

KW: Iíve just said all that! We donít want to hear it again! I mean people are nodding off! Heís so bored, heís dropped off! Look at him! He doesnít want to hear all this rubbish again! He doesnít know what to say! Heís only doing, buzzing, to try and score points! Thatís all heís doing it for!

NP: Yes itís a strange thing. There wouldnít be a game if they didnít do that. Peter an incorrect challenge because you can repeat what someone else has said, but not what you said yourself. Two seconds are left, piceformes starting now.

PJ: Lacking an electric drill, the only thing itís got is a beak...

WHISTLE

NP: Well now we have the situation that Peter Jones has pulled up into second place, alongside Kenneth Williams...

PJ: Ah!

NP: ... overtaking Derek Nimmo, with Sheila Hancock still in the lead. And Sheila will begin the next round and the subject is the greatest woman who ever lived.

SH: Oh!

NP: Iím sure youíve got some ideas on that Sheila. Would you talk about it in Just A Minute starting now.

SH: Well this was a lady called Trudie Stevens who weighed about 28 stone. When she was born she was perfectly normal, but she ate an awful lot of food as life went on. Maybe because she was a bit miserable or something, and gradually she put on weight until she became the greatest woman in the world. It had some disadvantages in that she couldnít buy clothes to fit her, and it was difficult getting through the average doorway or sitting in a seat in the theatre. But somehow she managed, and eventually she went in to a circus and became exhibited as the greatest woman in the world. And people paid good money to go and have a look at her (starts to laugh) and Iím talking a load of rubbish!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has sportingly challenged you.

SH: Nobody challenged!

KW: Yes I thought she was rather running out of steam, so I challenged.

NP: She was, she more than hesitated.

SH: I was so ashamed because itís all lies!

KW: I should think you should be, yes!

NP: But you did keep going for 49 seconds, bad luck Sheila! But Kenneth will now tell us something about the greatest woman who ever lived starting now.

KW: This unquestionably was Helen of Troy who, as you know, caused a thousand...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Itís deviation because itís not unquestionable, is it?

NP: In his mind, in his mind, it is. You question it, but in his mind it is not deviating from the subject on the card. So you can disagree but he wasnít deviating. So five seconds left on the subject Kenneth starting now.

KW: Sheba still turns her head for the sound of great Solomon, Judith is blessing the bed...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kenneth Williams got a number of points in that round, including the one for speaking as the whistle went. And heís only one behind our leader now, Sheila Hancock. Peter Jones, your turn to begin and the subject is motorway food. Will you tell us something about that...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Itís got a reaction from the audience already! Starting now.

PJ: I donít think Iíd be able to talk about it, any more than I could eat it, without repeating myself!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

PJ: But I do think itís appalling, the stuff they serve up to people who are more or less a captive audience. Thereís no choice unless they drive off the motorway which is a good idea actually. Thereís no need to hurry. Go on a side road where you may find a friendly little pub, or other restaurant, cafe...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Heís now talking about food to be found on the byways and little side road. Heís not talking about motorway food.

NP: Yeah I donít think you gave him time. Heíd only just gone off the motorway, just literally a few seconds before.

DN: I see.

NP: If heíd gone on much longer on those byways and sideways then I would have agreed, deviation. But no, Peter you have the subject still and there are 37 seconds, 38 starting now.

PJ: Whereas on the motorway itself, theyíre serving wet vegetables that have been grossly overcooked, and ghastly hamburgers which really bear no relation at all to the minced meat products that they should be. Because theyíve got a lot of foreign matter, salmonella very often I dare say, in them. And the chips have been hot for days at a time. I could figure that they make them on a Monday and they...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmoís challenged.

DN: Deviation, theyíve been cold for days at a time.

NP: I canít hear you Derek, sorry.

DN: Just wanted to chip in!

GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter I think you still have the subject and there are um 13 seconds left starting now.

PJ: The sandwiches have to be seen to be believed. They are wrapped in cellophane or some modern equivalent. And they too have been prepared some distant spot from...

WHISTLE

NP: So Peter Jones started with motorway food, and in spite of interruptions finished with motorway food. But it did mean he got a number of points on the way. Heís still in third place but only one behind Kenneth Williams, whoís only one behind Sheila Hancock. And itís Derek Nimmoís turn to begin, the subject is just desserts. Following the motorway food, um, rather apt. And there are 60 seconds to try and talk on it Derek starting now.

DN: I think probably of all the deserts that Iíve been to, the Carew is the most interesting...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: No, itís not even spelt the same! It is? Deserts and desserts.

NP: No, it is pronunciation, and I did say just desserts and not just deserts. So Sheila you have the subject with 53 seconds left, just desserts starting now.

SH: Well I am only really cooking... bah!

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.

KW: Hesitation I thought.

NP: Yes, I think you are right.

PJ: Not cooking with gas!

NP: Just desserts she was cooking there. There are 49 seconds left on just desserts Kenneth starting now.

KW: Just deserts are seldom given to those who properly should have incurred them. Those who say motorway food, talking rubbish, since motorways never get hungry, and wouldnít want any...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Repetition of motorway.

NP: Yes, motorway, itís not the subject. Itís just desserts is the subject and Sheila has it back and there are 37 seconds starting now.

SH: Just desserts are the things that I cook best, because Iím rather frightened of the main course. So I am inclined to make the odd trifle or fruit salad or meringue gateau or glasse cake, or ice cream with blancmange...

BUZZ

NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.

KW: Sheís had about five ors!

SH: Oh!

KW: She wasnít rowing a boat!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM KW, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

KW: Ah, laugh!

SH: This is a rotten game!

KW: I nearly bought me own beer! (laughs loudly)

NP: We donít want five ors in Just A Minute, do we?

KW: Thatís right!

NP: So there are 17... 17 seconds for you to talk on just desserts Kenneth starting now.

KW: They should come to those who transgress, and when Napoleon got his eye read, everyone was delighted!The same with Adolf Hitler! The same with...

BUZZ

NP: And Sheila has challenged.

SH: The same, the same.

NP: The same.

KW: But I get so worked up, you know!

NP: Just desserts Sheila, five seconds starting now.

SH: Jellies, lychees, peaches and cream, bananas...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheila Hancock, cleverly going with just desserts got her just deserts by increasing her lead at the end of the round. And Kenneth Williams your turn to begin, and the subject, map reading. Can you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.

KW: If you understand the signs, then it is all right. You will know what the contour shadings stand for and understand as you approach...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock.

SH: Understand.

NP: Yes Iím afraid so Kenneth, 47 seconds, map reading Sheila starting now.

SH: I seem to do most of my map reading in the car with an irate husband driving. And I can never read it without my glasses which I seem to invariably have forgotten...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Repetition of seem.

NP: Yes well done Derek, 35 seconds on map reading starting now.

DN: I first learnt to read maps when I was in the wolf cubs. I got a badge to prove I could read maps, and I found it the most interesting thing. As Iíve gone through life, I look through them like books. And I watch and see where the trees grow, where lakes are to be found. Squares with a cross on top mean churches with a tower. Circles mean something similar with a spire. And I do have a good map to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Well I have to er against my better judgement perhaps, interrupt because he did repeat mean, you see. But then I wouldnít normally have objected to that, but he had previously objected to Sheila saying seem twice.

NP: So why the long preamble?

PJ: Itís such a small word, well, it seems rather quibbling.

NP: Peter you challenged for repetition and I agree and there are 13 seconds for you to talk on map reading starting now.

PJ: Yes, in the car, thatís the usual place that people indulge in this. And believe me, it can break up practically any partnership if you do it for any length of time, and you donít know where youíre going. Whoever is driving...

WHISTLE

NP: So that loud whistle then by Ian Messiter tells us that itís not only the end of the round, but also the end of the contest. So to give you the final score. Derek Nimmo, who has triumphed more than once in this game, he came this time only in fourth place. But that is the luck of the draw. Peter Jones whoís also triumphed occasionally, in third place. Kenneth Williams who occasionally triumphs, came in second place. And Sheila Hancock who only plays the game very occasionally has once again completely triumphed! So when we think back to what she had to say about winning earlier on, we realise how apt it was. We congratulate her, lovely to have her on the programme. Lovely to have the boys sometimes too, and lovely to have the audience in the studio. But most of all itís lovely to have the people who tune in and listen to Just A Minute. And we hope that youíll want to do it again when once again we take to the air and we play this game. Till then from all of us here good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.