JAM:PMerton,CFreud,SFry,LTarbuck
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, STEPHEN FRY and LIZA TARBUCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 28 January 2002)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Right, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world and also in this country of course. But also to welcome the four exciting, dynamic, talented players of the game who have excelled in this show a number of times in the past. And in no particular order, would you please welcome Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud! As usual I am going to ask them to speak on a subject that I give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score, sheíll blow her whistle when 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Radio Theatre in Broadcasting House which is situated in the heart of this great metropolis of London. So weíll start straight away with Clement Freud. And the subject is very apt for Just A Minute, blowing the whistle. Sixty seconds, Clement, starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: Quite apart from Janet Staplehurst who does blow the whistle brilliantly, referees at football matches tend to do this when there is fouls, hands, offside, a goal or a throw in. But politically and economically, blowing the whistle has come to mean snitching, informing upon others. A foul, beastly thing...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

STEPHEN FRY: Two fouls.

CF: A different one. One non-animal!

SF: Yeah yeah.

NP: Yes but itís...

SF: So good, yeah.

NP: Stephen you have a correct challenge...

CF: Really?

NP: You get a point for a correct challenge, and you take over the subject which is blowing the whistle, there are 36 seconds available starting now.

SF: Dobbing I think they call it in Australia. Sneaking, snitching, as Clement so rightly said. It is not altogether a pleasant thing, yet on the other hand when there are deep injustices perpetrated by large corporations, it seems to me perfectly legitimate that people should spot these er... oh dear!

BUZZ

SF: Oh dear!

NP: Oh dear, yes Paul?

PAUL MERTON: There was a hesitation.

SF: Yes.

NP: There was hesitation. You were going with such, such panache...

SF: I go too fast, I trip over my feet and I stumble downhill and Iím falling down.

NP: Yeah, you gathered pace actually. Your momentum trips you up.

SF: It does rather.

NP: Um Paul, correct challenge, so you have the subject, you have blowing the whistle, you have 21 seconds starting now.

PM: If you walk around Covent Garden, youíll often find street entertainers oh... (laughs)

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LIZA TARBUCK: I had to get in there, didnít I! (laughs)

NP: Yes.

LT: Hesi-tarseeon!

NP: Hesi-tarseeon, right. Right, 16 seconds, blowing the whistle with you Liza starting now.

LT: Blowing the whistle can in actual fact be as good as going to see a brass band. If you get someone with the right round face, and a lot of wind behind them, it can be a marvellous thing to watch, admire, and listen to. Several birds I know like to gather up with their own whistles...

WHISTLE

NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Liza Tarbuck and at the end of that first round, she is in a very strong lead! You know you have the audience with you, Liza...

LT: Oh!

NP: And itís your turn to begin, the subject is chips. Tell us something about chips in this game starting now.

LT: Chips can be several things. They can be things like a potato deep fried, they can be components inside...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Well two they can bes. I mean, an individual words perhaps, but when theyíre all together like that...

NP: No, it is, yes, yes, yes...

LT: I feel dreadful now!

SF: Oh no, I donít want you to feel dreadful! I want you to feel super!

LT: Sorry! I will soon!

NP: So Stephen a correct challenge, a point for that and you have 54 seconds on chips starting now.

SF: They always say the genius behind gambling was not the man who invented roulette, craps, poker, it was the fellow who came up with the idea of chips. Thatís what makes the sport or pastime, whatever you want to call it of gaming so thrilling. The fact that the index of the money which youíre actually peeing up against the wall is not real currency but some symbol which you can play with it. Gosh, thatís exciting! I donít like potato chips, Nicholas. Iíd be the first to say that I find them pretty nasty, to be honest. French fries, pomfrite, adumette, call them what you will. I just donít find that they please my gullet one little bit. However, however, I said however...

BUZZ

NP: Yes you canít use your normal mode of speech here. Making huge emphasis there. Paul you got in, I can guess what your challenge was.

PM: Over emphasis!

NP: Yes, repetition. Fifteen seconds, chips with you Paul starting now.

PM: Thereís something about home-made chips which is absolutely delicious. You take the potato, you peel it into chip-like slices, you put it into hot fat and then you fry away. And then after some time you get them out, put them on a paper towel to get rid of the excess and then...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Paul Merton was speaking then when the whistle went, he gained the extra point for doing so, and with other points in the round, he is now in the lead just one ahead of Liza Tarbuck and then Stephen Fry and then Clement Freud. Stephen itís your turn to begin, we have here schaedenfreude.

SF: Oh!

NP: Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

SF: Not the daughter of one of our panellists! But a German word that comes from two separate meanings. Schaeden means shame or disgrace. Freude, joy, as in Shelleyís famous ode to that emotion. It really betokens that pleasure we take in other peopleís misfortune. For example, I suppose everyone can remember Michael Portillo losing his seat. There was a great surge of national schaedenfreude, whatever our political feelings. Somehow I think almost every single member of the plebiscite or electorate in some way joined in with great enjoyment at that moment. However schaedenfreude seems a very teutonic kind of quality. Therefore, no accident that there is no English phraseology or nomenclature for it. But we use instead the tesque as they say in Italy. The Germanic if you like, and I personally donít. Schaedenfreude of course also means something more sinister or unpleasant which is a genuine delight in real misfortune. That I think is unforgivable...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that hasnít happened in Just A Minute for a long time! Someone started with the subject and went without hesitation, repetition or deviation, was not challenged, and so he finished with it. Well done Stephen and your applause warranted your success. And what happens of course, you normally get a point for speaking when the whistle went, but you get the bonus point for not being interrupted. Clement itís your turn to begin, making jam. Tell us something about making jam in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Making jam to spread on toast and butter is done by reducing fruit and sugar until the mass becomes thick. But Ranjitsinhji, the famous cricketer, had a father who was the Jam of Nawanacah. And Jam is a title in India which is like a Maharajah. And people look up to him enormously. I remember that cricketer...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: We had the cricketer before.

NP: We had the cricketer before.

SF: Yes I think so.

NP: And so Stephen you got in with 33 seconds, making jam Stephen starting now.

SF: Well jam, of course, is what I call this programme, Just A Minute, JAM. A useful acronym. And making jam is not that easy. You find yourself stumbling over your words, and causing all kinds of repetitions and hesitations and deviations which is not what youíre supposed to do if you wish to earn the points which put you in the lead which you so desperately desire. So making jam may be very easy in front of the mirror at home when youíre listening. But by golly, when youíre down here with the other panellists who are all so good at the game, itís frightfully difficult. And I wish I was better at it, though at the moment for some reason I seem to be quite fluent which is odd. Because usually I end up not being. So making jam is not quite as tiresome as sometimes it can be....

WHISTLE

NP: Yes Stephen you made very good jam then, and you kept going till the whistle went, gained an extra point. And youíve gone forward, youíre in the lead, just ahead of Paul Merton, Liza Tarbuck, Clement Freud, in that order. Liza your turn to begin, the subject is tipping. Tell us something about tipping in Just A Minute starting now.

LT: Tipping could be seen as a gratuity to serving staff. Possibly the norm would be 10 percent, or it could be called fly tipping, when youíve got a van full of goods and you just put it on a camper and get rid of a couple of old mattresses and a fridge down a railway embankment. You can also say it would be a helpful hint. For instance, my motherís favourite tip for me when I was a teenager was never let a man see you on the toilet, which in actual fact has held me in very good stead for years now! And it leaves me with a certain mystery, I like to think. I could be wrong! (laughs) Another way of tipping, you can tip your biscuits which of course is an out and out lie, but theyíre going to buy that...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Out and out.

NP: Out and out.

LT: Oh right! Fair does!

NP: Yes!

LT: Valiant, my Lord!

NP: Right, so Paul youíve got in with repetition on tipping and there are 19 seconds left starting now.

PM: Fly tipping is a waste of time. They have no facility to spend the money, they have very short memories and they really wouldnít have anything to do with it. Mind you, I think perhaps the fondest way I like to top is when I get a world famous London cab driver. Someone like Bert Norris whoís known throughout the globe...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh yes youíre back to cab drivers. We had cab drivers in a show we did some time ago, I remember.

PM: They wonít remember that!

NP: No, no! Right so Paul you were speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point, youíre now one ahead of Stephen Fry in that sequence. And Stephen your turn to begin now, my giddy aunt. Tell us something about my giddy aunt in Just A Minute starting now.

SF: Oh yes well, my motherís sister is more than ordinarily litiginous, and that is why she is known as my giddy aunt. Teeters and skips all over the place! Youíre never quite sure how she manages to stand up for more than five minutes at a time, for very often of course she doesnít. Itís not that she drinks, I wouldnít say that. She likes a sherry, first thing in the morning, and then carries on. No more than five bottles a day. Maybe thatís the secret to her giddiness...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Is that repetition of five? We had five minutes and then five bottles.

SF: Thatís very good!

NP: Yes, very good, well listened.

SF: You would never have noticed that Nicholas, would you, ordinarily?

NP: What do you mean, itís my job!

SF: Oh yes, sorry!

PM: We know itís your job but you would never have noticed it!

NP: When have I ever missed one?

PM: Let me take you back...

NP: I know, um, no, there were five, two fives. Thirty-seven seconds, my giddy aunt with you Paul, starting now.

PM: There are lots of giddy aunts in the work of PG Wodehouse and we have with us in Stephen Fry here, a man who Iím very...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Weíre talking about my giddy aunt, not PG Wodehouse.

NP: Ooohh!

SF: Well!

PM: He, he wrote a lot about my aunt.

NP: The subject is my giddy aunt, and as you know Clement, because you have been playing the game for a few years, that you can take the subject on the card or any of the words on the subject and interpret them as you wish. And he talked about giddy aunt which does appear in PG Wodehouse quite consistently. And er I donít think he has to make it my giddy aunt...

CF: Youíre certainly wowing the audience!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iím doing my best and... Iím doing my best and giving you a very good line to come back and get a laugh.

SF: It all went a little bit tense there. It was almost as if weíd seen Liza on the lavatory, wasnít it. It was just like, some moment of ďoh, oh dear!Ē

NP: I think we should get back to Just A Minute...

SF: Yes of course.

NP: And my giddy aunt is still with you Paul, 31 seconds starting now.

PM: Round and round she goes...

BUZZ

NP: Clement, I hate to ask you, but all right. Repetition, 30 seconds...

PM: No, no, no, I said round and rounds!

NP: No, no, no!

PM: I did! I did! I promise you did!

CF: Boo!

PM: Yeah Iíve been playing this long enough not to start with round and round! I said round and rounds.

NP: I thought you were being very generous to Clement whoís er trailing for once.

SF: Yes I thought you were like a, like a footballer who kicks the ball into touch after an injury you know. In order to give the other...

PM: Well yes I am!

SF: Yeah!

LT: Hooray!

NP: Clement, my giddy aunt, 30 seconds starting now.

CF: I had a giddy aunt who used to, when I was at school, send me telegrams...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: I mean, just for the sake of elegance, that was a shockingly split infinitive!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

SF: Who used to, when I was at school, send me... you know!

NP: You see Stephen...

SF: This is BBC Radio Four, the guardian of the sacred English tongue.

NP: I know but...

SF: You see, when I used, you know, I mean...

NP: When you are speaking colloquially...

SF: True!

NP: ... in Just A Minute...

SF: Youíre right!

NP: ... under pressure...

SF: Yeah!

NP: ... with three bright sparks breathing down your neck...

SF: I did that for the sake of Mister and Mrs Mad of Chichester who were going to write in and complain about...

NP: Iím not going to allow a split infinitive...

SF: No, no!

NP: benefit of the doubt to Clement Freud, he keeps the subject, 24 seconds standing... standing now? Starting now.

CF: My giddy aunt sent a telegram which said start worrying, letter follows. And itís quite difficult when you have relations of that ilk to be able to deeve a cer... er I think...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: That was a sort of a, bit of a ...

NP: Yes.

PM: ... made up word.

NP: Yes.

PM: Deviation or deeve, deviation from the English language.

NP: Yeah or you could have had hesitation.

PM: Oh I could have had hesitation, I didnít want to rub it in!

NP: Twelve seconds, my giddy aunt...

PM: Having kicked the football into the crowd, Iíve run after it and put it back on the pitch!

NP: And youíve got my giddy aunt again and 12 seconds starting now.

PM: I think it was perhaps Disraeli who when he was addressing the Houses of Parliament in 1879, stood in front of those assembled...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: He only ever addressed the House of Parliament. People donít address the Houses...

NP: You donít address the Houses of Parliament.

PM: He was drunk!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Thatís why we love having you on the show, youíve always got a good answer! Right, but it was, it should have been the House of Parliament.

CF: Good answer!

NP: So Clement, four seconds, and you should know, my giddy aunt starting now.

CF: When my giddy aunt addressed the House of Commons, she said ďmy Lords...Ē

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point, and heís now equal with Liza Tarbuck in third place, just behind Stephen Fry, and Paul Mertonís in the lead. And Paul itís your turn to begin, snailís pace. Something that never happens in this show. Talk on the subject if you can starting now.

PM: (very slowly) A ... snailís... pace ... is... a... very... slow... (normal voice) Oh itís too boring, isnít it! (very quickly) Snailís pace is something thatís very slow delivery and...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Repetition.

NP: What?

CF: A snailís pace is very slow.

PM: I ran it all together! It was one word the second time!

NP: Yes! But you did repeat it.

PM: I was going to try and speak that slowly for about a minute. I couldnít be... you know! I could feel the, I could feel the sense of life draining from everybody!

NP: Fifty seconds are with you Clement on snailís pace starting now.

CF: Paul was incredibly accurate in that snailís pace is slow. Not speedy. Fast would not.... be a proper word...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation

NP: Hesitation I agree. Snailís pace is back with you Paul, 40 seconds starting now.

PM: Clement is looking at me now in an attempt to put me off! But...

BUZZ

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: And you challenged?

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Nothing about snailís pace!

NP: he didnít even get going, and you know we always allow people to get going, to establish that theyíre going to talk about the subject. Right, 37 seconds are with you Paul on snailís pace starting now.

PM: Itís a very inaccurate form of measurement. Youíre much better off with metres, yards, feet, inches. A snailís pace is tiny. The poor little creatures barely have any feet at all. And if you were to take that as some kind of measurement you would be wasting...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: A bit slow, but feet twice. Feet were in the list of things being...

NP: Yes.

SF: Yards and feet. And then they donít have any feet.

PM: Yes.

NP: You listened well and you got in with 22 seconds on snailís pace Stephen, starting now.

SF: Paul is quite right. Snails, helix, helix the common snail, has no feet whatsoever. Itís a gastropod and therefore itís stomach, if you like, is itís foot. Strange animal, very very lento...

BUZZ

SF: Two verys there, I think.

PM: Three verys!

SF: Three verys. (laughs)

LT: And helix.

SF: Oh and I repeated helix, of course.

LT: Helix helix.

NP: Yes, snailís pace back with you Paul, 11 seconds starting now.

PM: If you get a London cab you will find that they do not drive at a snailís pace. This is because they are on a certain measure. Their time equipment, the clock that they have, is...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gained that extra point then, and with others in the round, heís leapt forward. Heís in a strong lead ahead of Stephen Fry, and Clement Freud and Liza Tarbuck in third place. And Clement your turn to begin, the subject, my mistakes. Tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.

CF: Having led a life which is somewhere between immaculately impeccable, and impeccably immaculate, I would find it very difficult to speak for 60 seconds about my mistakes of which as far as I can remember there have been none...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Charming but there was one actually. There was a hesitation in the previous round, for example.

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: A hesitation in the previous round?

SF: Yeah.

PM: Heís right! There was!

SF: He was saying... I said deviation. He was saying he canít speak about his mistakes of which there have been none.

NP: Oh yes Stephen youíre right!

SF: Iím saying there have been mistakes. For example, in the previous round, he made a mistake.

NP: He did make a mistake.

SF: Yes he has made mistakes.

NP: Very clever!

SF: Very few, I grant you!

NP: So Stephen, correct challenge, 43 seconds, my mistakes starting now.

SF: One of my cardinal errors, one of my supreme blunders, of course...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: We had a repetition of one of my.

SF: Oh yes.

NP: One of my, one of my, yes.

SF: I do this, itís so silly, isnít it.

NP: I know.

SF: I always, I always, I always repeat myself!

NP: If youíre an emphatic person, yes you will. Twenty-nine seconds available Paul, my mistakes starting now.

PM: We all make mistakes. And I suppose we hope that the biggest mistakes that we make are the ones...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen challenged.

SF: Two makes. We all make mistakes and the biggest mistakes we make.

NP: Yes.

SF: Yes, itís right, isnít it.

NP: Twenty-four seconds, back with you Stephen, my mistakes starting now.

SF: There was a repetition, for example, when I was speaking earlier. I said the same word twice. Youíre not supposed to do that in this game. It counts as one of my mistakes, and Iím very ashamed and embarrassed about it. I go red at the very thought of it. I...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation, he hasnít gone red!

LT: He has! (laughs)

NP: No, youíre quite right, he...

PM: He didnít got red!

NP: No, he didnít blush, youíre quite right! Twenty-three seconds Paul, with you, my mistakes starting now.

PM: When I was at school one of the subjects I was particularly bad at was mathematics. No matter how hard the teachers tried to drum the basic code of arithmetic into my head, it refused to stay there. I remember one particular algebraic...

BUZZ

NP: Stephen Fry challenged.

SF: Both remember and one particular.

NP: Thatís right, yes. So Stephen youíre back in again, seven seconds, my mistakes starting now.

SF: Errata is Latin for mistakes. You often see that as a slip, popped into books, when thereís been some sort of... fallacy at the printers...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

SF: Mmmm, mmm.

NP: A little hesitation there yes. And youíve got in with one second to go Clement, on my mistakes starting now.

CF: In 1984...

WHISTLE

NP: So Clement Freud got the point for speaking as the whistle went and heís still in third place. Stephen Fryís ahead and out in the lead is Paul Merton. And Liza Tarbuck, itís your turn to begin, and the subject is queuing. Tell us something about queuing in this game starting now.

LT: Queuing it would seem to me would be a chiefly British occupation. I think it probably came from the Second World War where there were shortages of everything from transport to food, and therefore to stand in line and wait for something seems... that it was the right thing to do...

BUZZ

LT: (laughs) Oh no!

SF: I think Liza got all excited about the fact that sheíd repeated seems and, and , and er stopped.

LT: I think I, I repeated something actually.

SF: And then something as well, yes.

NP: You, sometimes if you keep going, you...

SF: Iím sorry.

LT: No, donít be sorry. Be happy.

SF: Iím pleased.

NP: So Stephen you got in first and itís queuing and there are 42 seconds available starting now.

SF: Stephen Lee they say has the best cueing action in the professional game of snooker at the moment. Though for my money Hendrie is very hard to beat. Itís all about creating that kind of pendulum with the right arm, if thatís, thatís, er...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: I donít know about that but that was hesitation.

NP: Yes, trying to get the left arm out and failed. There we are, 33 seconds, queuing...

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Honestly this audience is a rotten lot! Just because heís sitting next to Liza, you mustnít get into, jump to conclusions.

SF: I think they know that sheís safe with me!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

SF: Though, I have to say, if anyone would make me turn, it would be this bumptious young thing Iím next to.

LT: Youíre so kind!

NP: I think you had to cover that one up.

SF: Truly! Sheís gorgeous!

NP: So 33 seconds Liza, queuing with you starting now.

LT: Itís very disappointing when you come out of Euston and look down to where the taxi rank might be, and you see that the queue is in actual fact spilling on to the concourse. You imagine that you might be there for a good 15... hours.... ah!

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation right.

SF: And why does spilling on to the concourse sound so rude?

NP: I know!

SF: Really, it sounds almost unbroadcastable. I donít know why. It isnít though, itís a curious...

NP: Well thatís what we get the letters about, you know, from countries abroad, what does it mean. Twenty seconds Clement, queuing starting now.

CF: I once worked on a television programme where the floor manager said ďwill you need auto-cueing?Ē And I said ďabsolutely not, because it would do me great physical harmĒ. And queuing has been close to my heart ever since because I am basically masochistic. Queuing for buses, trains...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud, speaking as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Heís creeping up on Stephen Fry, which is rather sinister, but I mention it in the game of course. And Lizaís just behind them, and out in the lead is Paul Merton. And Stephen Fry, your turn to begin, the subject is eating humble pie. Good subject, speak on it if you can, 60 seconds starting now.

SF: Umbles is a word that used to mean offal, various bits of intestine. Some people think thatís where the phrase eating humble pie comes from. I think itís necessary and sufficient unto itself. Itís obvious er significance is what Americans call eating crow. That is to say some sort of mortification after youíve made a mistake and you wish to apologise and show that it was your fault. Mea culpa maxima etcetera and so forth. Eating humble pie is not something politicians are known for doing. So often they tend to excuse themselves and hide in a welter of reasons and so forth as to why it is that they shouldnít apologise and excuse themselves for whatever it is theyíve done. However eating humble pie is a necessary, I think, human attribute of decency, and if you like, grace. Not a word we hear that often, but one perhaps we should be attending to in these dark times of ours. Eating humble pie is something Uriah Heep did not do, however much he professed to humility. Various other characters in Shakespeare and great literature have eaten humble pie, perhaps thatís the great arc with which literature travels. It shows...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: I think it was repetition of great.

NP: Yes thatís right yes. What are you groaning for?

PM: No...

NP: Thatís what the game is about, he repeats, somebody challenges.

PM: No, it was a shame to interrupt the flow though.

NP: I know.

SF: I was spilling all over the concourse there!

LAUGHTER FROM LT, SF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Iíll tell you actually Paul, you may not be very popular with this audience because you got in with one second to go!

LAUGHTER AND SHOUTS OF ďAWWWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes but there we are, it was a repetition. No, no, weíve got to, we do play Just A Minute, thatís what weíre here for.

SF: Right.

NP: Have a laugh...

SF: Be mean!

NP: ... have fun and play a game. And so without the rules of the game there wouldnít be fun. One second Paul on eating humble pie starting now.

PM: Eating humble pie...

WHISTLE

NP: And as we go into the last round, Lizaís just behind Clement Freud and Clementís juts a little, little way behind Stephen Fry, and um, theyíre a few points behind our leader, Paul Merton. And Paul itís also your turn to begin and the subject is doodling. Tell us something about doodling in Just A Minute starting now.

PM: Itís something Iíve been doing the last half an hour on this piece of paper in front of me. Just doodling away, little shapes. I tend to do pyramids and triangles, I donít know why. Other people they may prefer to do something circular. Thereís something odd...

BUZZ

NP: Liza challenged.

LT: Something.

NP: Something yes. So Liza youíve got in with 45 seconds...

LT: Oh good!

NP: Yes!

PM: Your specialist subject!

LT: Yes!

NP: Your specialist subject, yes.

LT: Yes, lie back and learn! (laughs)

NP: Forty-five seconds, doodling Liza, starting now.

LT: When I doodle, the shape I prefer is usually a leaf. And it always ends up into a peace lily, which Iím sure an analyst would have the most fantastic time over. Well Iím assuming that because Iím assuming Iím very interesting, arenít I! (laughs) So other people like to, (laughs) will actually doodle squares or triangles or ziggedy-zag things, which I think might indicate some level of mental er indigestion...

BUZZ

NP: Clement challenged.

CF: Then there was an er.

NP: There was an er.

LT: I, I bow to that.

NP: Yes. Right, 17 seconds available, tell us something about doodling Clement starting now.

CF: Thereís also verbal doodling where you take nouns, verbs, adjectives, adjuncts and...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Stephen.

SF: Adjuncts?

CF: Yes.

SF: I do think it was possibly adverbs rather than adjuncts.

CF: I see.

SF: What part of speech is it?

CF: I take adjuncts most evenings!

SF: Junks? Fair enough! Take your adjuncts.

CF: I was told to take adjuncts.

SF: Oh fair enough!

CF: After a week I got to go on a junket.

NP: Stephen, nine seconds, doodling starting now.

SF: Yes, bulbic I think is the word that seems to describe Lizaís doodlings. Mine also follow that trait. Iím merely quoting some of the theories expounded by followers of Clementís grandfather...

WHISTLE

NP: So Stephen Fry once again brought the show to a close, as he brought the round to a close, and gained an extra point for doing so. Iíll give you the final situation. Liza Tarbuck, you finished just in fourth place. You were a little way behind Clement Freud who was in third place. He was only just behind Stephen Fry in second place. But out in the lead with quite a large number of points was Paul Merton, so we say Paul you are our winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four intrepid and delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Stephen Fry, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. Also to thank Janet Staplehurst for helping me with the score and also blowing the whistle when the 60 seconds was up. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this game. And we are grateful to our producer Claire Jones who produces and directs the show. And we are also very grateful to our audience here in the Radio Theatre in London who have cheered us on our way! From our audience, from the panel, and from me Nicholas Parsons, good-bye, until we take to the air and play Just A Minute again!

THEME MUSIC