JAM:PMerton,LSmith,KHesketh-Harvey,CNeill
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, LINDA SMITH, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and CHRIS NEILL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 February 2002)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you very much, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my infinite pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show this week four exciting, highly talented and individual people who have gained such prominence in their own separate worlds in the great field of comedy. Here they have come together to give of their all of their best in Just A Minute. So will you please welcome Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Linda Smith and Chris Neill. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst who’s going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the beautiful refurbished Theatre Royal in the ancient and cathedral city of Winchester.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: As you can hear from the warmth of their applause they are delighted to welcome us back to do another edition here of Just A Minute. As usual I’m going to ask our players to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And the subject is my idea of a perfect day. Kit, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: I guess it would have to be Doris Day. I adored her with her little gingham frocks, her throaty chuckle, her inviting blue eyes, and singing “oh the deadwood stages are riding on, over the plane, whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away...”

BUZZ


KHH: No! No!

NP: It’s a difficult game if you get carried away! Linda you challenged first.

LINDA SMITH: Ah...

KHH: It was deviation I think, whip crack away wasn’t it.

NP: Repetition.

LS: It was a bit of both, wasn’t it. Repetitive deviation.

NP: You have a correct challenge Linda, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, 45 seconds are available, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

LS: My idea of a perfect day is certainly not that BBC advert, perfect day, where people...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Repetition of B.

NP: Well listened, Paul yes. You got in with a correct challenge and you have 40 seconds now, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

PM: Lou Reed wrote a song called Perfect Day, that the Beeb BC used...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Beeb, deviation from the English language as we know it.

NP: Well there’s no such place as Beeb BC, is there?

LS: Absolutely not.

PM: My pet name for it!

NP: I know, we know what you were meaning, but ah I don’t know. When we were here some time ago, you did exactly the same thing and I gave you the benefit of the doubt on that occasion.

PM: Yes.

NP: I’m going to give Linda the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

PM: Mister Consistency!

NP: Mister Fairness! Right Linda, 34 seconds, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

LS: Lou Reed, as Paul just mentioned, wrote a song called Perfect Day which was used by one of the television channels as an advertising slogan with many popular artists singing a small portion of the aforementioned popular entertainment...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Two populars.

NP: There were two populars, yes.

LS: You can’t be too popular though, can you?

NP: Kit a correct challenge, another point to you, 19 seconds available, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

KHH: I was terribly fond of Sir Robin Day with his wheezy chuckle and I also liked Sir John Day, the 16th century publisher of church music who was so terribly good at tallis!

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CHRIS NEILL: That was a hesitation.

KHH: It was total collapse! No, I think it was! It was yes.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I don’t think it was, but the audience decided it was. So Chris you have the benefit of the doubt, you have nine seconds, tell us something about my idea of a perfect day starting now.

CN: As a rule I can be quite lazy. But on this perfect day I would get up very early, go out of my house, go to my local asses milk factory, bring a couple of gallons back...

WHISTLE

NP: Where do you live with an asses milk factory on the doorstep?

CN: South-east London!

NP: So whoever is speaking when the whistle goes in this... far more likely to find them in Winchester I would have thought actually. There we are. Gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Chris Neill and he’s now in the lead, equal with Linda Smith at the end of the first round. They’re both one point ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Paul Merton. It’s terribly exciting, isn’t it. Linda will you take the next round, the subject is faith, hope and charity. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

LS: Faith, hope and charity sounds like a particularly lying name for a firm of solicitors. But actually faith, hope and charity are the spiritual essentials with which, out which... ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: I’m sorry, it was collapse.

NP: Yes.

KHH: Hesitation.

NP: We call it hesitation, right, 47 seconds, faith, hope and charity with you Kit starting now.

KHH: I think it was Saint Paul who said “and now abideth three things”. He said they were faith, hope and charity. In fact they’re British winter time, people who ring you up when they’re just getting into the bath and ask you what gas company you are with, and Nicholas Parsons. I can’t say that any of these... (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Well it all fell apart there.

NP: Yes it did. Not surprising, putting me in with Saint Paul and the gas company and everything else. Thirty-one seconds, faith, hope and charity, with you Chris starting now.

CN: Faith, Hope and Charity are three gorgeous sisters who live in Nuneaton. They’re still all at school actually. One is 12, one’s 13 and one...

BUZZ

CN: Oh yes!

NP: Oh yes! Linda? One, one, one, yes.

CN: Yes. I’m a fool!

NP: Only to yourself!

CN: No, I think I’m doing quite a few people here actually!

NP: Twenty-two seconds available for you Linda on faith hope and charity starting now.

LS: Faith, hope and charity are names quite popular with middle class people...

BUZZ

NP: Kit’s challenged.

KHH: Is it popular again? Does it go from one to the next?

NP: Yes you said about popular.

LS: Oh does it count?

NP: Yes.

KHH: I think it does, I think it leaps.

LS: Oh it carries on!

KHH: It’s a vicious rule.

LS: It’s like a roll-over!

KHH: Yes.

NP: You can’t use the same words in the same round again.

LS: Oh.

NP: So ah well listened Kit, 18 seconds, faith hope and charity starting now.

KHH: I was gibbering with delight when they told me that this edition was going to come from the beautiful cathedral city of Westminster. I went to Waterloo and said “how do...”

BUZZ

NP: Chris has challenged.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KHH: How could I be so stupid?

NP: I, I think you lost quite a few friends Kit! With one simple remark! But Chris you challenged first, yes?

CN: Deviation.

NP: Of course perhaps you were told it was originally going to be in Westminster Abbey, yes.

KHH: It’s an initiative in Winchester, and it’s such a joy to be here instead.

NP: Right, so deviation as well as hesitation, right. Ten seconds, faith, hope and charity with you Chris Neill starting now.

CN: Faith is particularly skilled at botany, whereas hope is very good at home economics. Charity on the other hand has a gift for languages. German, French, Italian, Russian...

WHISTLE

NP: So er Chris Neill was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And has increased his lead at the end of that round over Linda Smith and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And Chris it’s also your turn to begin. And the subject is furrey (to rhyme with curry or hurry) dice.

CN: Furrey dice?

LS: Furry (to rhyme with purr-ee)!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes...

CN: I’ll talk about it if you like!

NP: Is that furry dice again?

CN: That’s what is in my mind!

NP: It’s very strangely spelt on my card if it is. It’s er, you pronounce it furry, is that right?

CN: I do, as a rule, yes!

NP: I spell, furry is spelt differently to that. Anyway...

CN: No it’s not!

NP: Isn’t it?

CN: It’s spelt F-U-R-R-Y. That’s what you’ve got in front of you!

NP: Is it?

CN: That is it!

NP: Well I suppose I go back to my childhood, we used to talk about furrey dice. And we used to have some very furrey dice we used to play with.

CN: And how was that spelt?

NP: Well we spelt... I was too young to know how it was spelt. So Chris...

LS: That’s a band, name of Super Furrey Animals...

NP: It’s your turn to begin and the subject is furry dice, and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CN: Furry dice, Î know people have them in their cars for good luck, I don’t really understand this. It’s a bizarre concept to me. What, I haven’t passed my driving test, I can’t tell the difference between the clutch and the glove compartment, I know what, i’ll get too furry dice, that’ll give me, make, ooohh!

BUZZ

NP: Right So Paul you challenged first. What was the challenge?

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes right. Thirty-six seconds, furry dice, with you Paul starting now.

PM: I’ve got some furrey dice. One of them’s burnt. I call it the furrey with the singe on top! It’s amazing...

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM LS, CN AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: ... because it’s one of the most extraordinary objects I’ve got in my house. I love to drive a Ford Cortina with these furry, if you prefer that pronunciation, dice, hanging down from the windscreen. They were a symbol of the 70s weren’t they? It was a cheap way of saying I don’t know who I am, or what I’m doing, but I’m stupid enough to think this is an attractive thing to put in my car. And lots of people did that, at the time. You remember Lord Hailmsham? He used to drive all the way round...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: I think it was Hailsham, not Hailmsham, wasn’t it?

PM: Which Lord are you talking about?

KHH: I’m sorry, is this a different... I’m sorry!

PM: Not Lord Hailsham, no, he was much more famous!

NP: So I think you got out of that one actually!

PM: I think I did, don’t you!

NP: Yes! Very clever! I’m sure it’s wrong! But you very cleverly got out of it Paul. So I give you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and five seconds on furry or furrey dice starting now.

PM: The great thing to rememberer about these...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Rememberer.

NP: Yeah, that time I think your deviation from English as we understand it...

PM: Did I say rememberer?

NP: Yes you did.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes you did. So...

PM: Are you sure?

NP: Absolutely.

PM: Play back the tape!

NP: Same as you said Hailmsham before! Right so Kit I’m with you on this one, three seconds, furrey dice starting now.

KHH: I had to go and castrate a leopard in order to get one of these...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation!

NP: Why?

PM: You don’t have to castrate a leopard to get furry dice! Hailford’s sell them!

KHH: I was living a long long way away from the nearest Hailford’s!

PM: People all over the world, people all over the world are listening to this programme!

NP: If we are going to go on your flights of fantasy, and not be challenged...

PM: You mean people in China are going to think oh, I want some furry dice, they go castrate a leopard?

NP: They may think that, but, the point is, if they would go with your flights of fantasy, where you go off with fictitious names, we can go off an imagine that Kit Hesketh-Harvey does ... (starts to laugh)

PM: You can’t even say it! That’s how rubbish it is!

NP: It’s the image of him catching a tiger and castrating it that...

PM: Leopard! Leopard!

NP: A leopard was it, I don’t know...

PM: Don’t drag the tigers into this! The dice won’t match!

NP: Kit you have the benefit of the doubt on this one with the leopards and the castration, one second on furry dice starting now.

KHH: It’s a surrealist masterpiece...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He has taken the lead over Chris Neill, just one point ahead. Then Paul Merton and Linda Smith equal in third place. And Paul your turn to begin and the subject now is off the rails. Something which you never do in this game, but talk on the subject if you can starting now.

PM: I think going off the rails is quite a good philosophy in life. After all, what’s the alternative? Staying on the rails? Knowing where you’re going to end up, in some tired old depot at the end of your life. This track leads to this place, I will end up here. It seems terrible really...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Lot of end ups and...

NP: No, only one but it was correct.

PM: Only one? But it’s not repetition then!

NP: You repeated...

PM: Thank you Nicholas! You, you’re a marvellous chairman!

NP: You repeated it once...

PM: The best chairman we’ve ever had on this show, you know!

NP: But he repeated it once, it was I know. Forty-five seconds, correct challenge anyway, off the rails with you Kit starting now.

KHH: People who strike me as genuinely off the rails are train spotters. Particularly as nowadays the vehicles in question look like mobile tetropacks. It’s like spotting Nissan Micras. What on earth is the point? Life is too short people! Go out and live somewhat!

BUZZ

NP: Chris Neill challenged.

CN: Ah hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation Chris. The subject is off the rails starting now.

CN: Very recently I had a lovely long weekend in Paris. We stayed in a very nice hotel and I noticed that the new fashion in Paris is to... oh God!

BUZZ

NP: Right Linda, you had a correct challenge, 23 seconds, off the rails starting now.

LS: Off the rails does sound a very exciting thing to be. Young men who are off the rails are always the devil-may-care James Dean type. The kind of lads who surly and strange, hang about on the back of dodgems attracting the local girls as they come into town with the fun fair. And what a lot of pleasure that aforementioned entertainment is when...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: I just want to say I agree with her!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, LS AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: What I do on these occasions is I, I give a bonus point because everybody enjoyed the interruption. But it wasn’t exactly a challenge so as Linda was interrupted she gets a point. And Linda, two seconds on off the rails starting now.

LS: Off the rails would clearly describe both Chris...

WHISTLE

NP: So Linda was speaking, Linda Smith, as the whistle went, gained an extra point. She’s now in second place behind our equal leaders, Chris Neill and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And for once Paul Merton is trailing a little. And Chris it’s your turn to begin, the subject is my telephone bill. Tell us something about my telephone bill starting now.

CN: The first thing that must be said is it’s huge! Having nothing to do on a daily basis, I’m always on the phone. But also it means that when the little letter comes through from British Telecom, I get great delight in going through reminding myself who I’ve had contact with over the last three months. I’m very precise about this and there was one number which began 089 ditto-second-letter-number-thing and um...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: I’m sorry, he did um in the, eventually.

NP: I know he did yes.

KHH: Is that too cruel?

NP: It is a bit cruel...

CN: No, it’s not, no! I’m very happy!

NP: And you, you, you, you struggled out of it so well and then ummed.

CN: Ah!

NP: Oh dear! So Kit 36 seconds, my telephone bill starting now.

KHH: I was contacted by British Telecom to say that your bill is on an industrial scale. This is because my children sit there contacting porn sites on the Internet constantly day and night. He said “do you want to pay by Internet?” What a very good idea, I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Ah repetition of Internet.

NP: Yes that is right yes. Paul you’ve got in with 24 seconds, my telephone bill starting now.

PM: Many years ago when I was looking for somewhere to live, I went to this place in Stretton. And this man was trying to convince me that living in his house would be very cheap. He said “look, here’s my telephone bill”. And I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Sorry. Actually I didn’t mean to challenge. I just... I really didn’t mean to challenge actually. I’ve got no challenge.

NP: You’ve got no...

CN: But I feel terrible because I know Paul was about to say something funny, I’m sure, and I...

NP: Paul you were interrupted, 13 seconds, my telephone bill, starting now.

PM: That only makes sense if I phone the same people as you do for the similar amount of time. He looked at me for a moment, puzzled by this, and then he went away. Well in fact I killed him. And the police never found out. I used an alibi, my telephone bill...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went. And now it’s an interesting situation. He’s now equal in the lead with Linda Smith and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. They’re all three together, with only Chris Neill following two points behind.

SHOUTS OF “AWWW” FROM THE AUDIENCE

CN: Thanks!

NP: He was in the lead a minute ago, he’ll probably be back in the lead again.

CN: Swings and roundabouts, I can cope!

NP: Paul it’s your...

LS: We’re having a whip-round later. We’re having a whip-round later to send Chris to Disneyland!

NP: Ah no no! You’re here for your contribution, it’s wonderful! Right Paul...

CN: That’s one way of putting it!

NP: It’s your turn to begin, the subject is comics. Tell us something about comics starting now.

PM: I was an avid reader of comics when I was younger. Saturday morning they would come through the letterbox, delivered with the newspaper. My favourite comic at the time was one called Rover that was rather different from the usual comic because it was mainly words rather than pictures. So you would read these stories about some guy who flew planes in World War Two or perhaps an individual who played in a football team. And you could get involved. You could create the images in your head rather than just look at some cartoonist’s work. They don’t do that publication...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: That’s a book!

NP: It’s a clever challenge Linda but he is, I mean, The Rover. I read The Rover as well. And Modern Boy. They did have serious stories...

CN: The Modern Boy?

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Yes but you must remember in Nicholas’s childhood, The Modern Boy looked like Isambard Kingdom Brunell!

LAUGHTER FROM LS, CN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think you’re all terribly unkind! There was a very popular magazine called The Modern Boy.

CN: It still sells well!

NP: And just to prove my point, it had, it had stories by WE Johns about Biggles and co. You’ve heard of Biggles...

CN: I have yes.

NP: ... and Algy and Ginger...

CN: No, not Ginger.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CN: And I've not heard of Alty either, what did he do?

NP: Well those Biggles books, he used to serialise them in The Modern Boy, WE Johns.

CN: Oh right!

NP: They were about Biggles...

KHH: Ginger and Posh and Baby... Sporty...

NP: And there was the other ones about Captain Justice. Wonderful serial that was. And Professor Flagnazle.

CN: Yes!

NP: they were wonderful. I will get letters about this I hope, to prove I was right. It was a wonderful wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, repetition...

KHH: Repetition.

NP: All right! So Linda your challenge was incorrect, those stories did appear in The Rover and other similar ones. Did you read Hotspur as well?

PM: No I didn’t, no.

NP: No, it was a very good one, right. Rover was good though. Thirty-one seconds, comics with you Paul starting now.

PM: It’s a colloquial term, a shorthand for comedians as well. I suppose when I was about eight years, I was first fascinated by those practitioners of the comic arts. I would watch such shows as Sunday Night At The London Palladium. And I couldn’t give a fig for the acrobats or the singers. Dancers left me cold. But as soon as somebody came on, proclaiming themselves to be a funny individual I was hooked. I loved it and I think that’s the reason why I am what I am today which is repeating the word am...

BUZZ

PM: Sorry.

NP: And Linda you challenged first.

LS: Am. Yes.

NP: Five seconds, comics starting now.

LS: Comics, I always used to love Hackle, Huckleberr... Oh!

BUZZ

NP: Chris you challenged.

CN: Ah it was a sort of deviationy repetition.

NP: Yes we call that a hesitation.

CN: Oh it was a hesitation? Right, okay.

NP: All right Chris, you have two seconds, comics starting now.

CN: The Modern Boy is my current favourite read...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh it might revive an interest and they’ll bring it back. Who knows? Chris Neill you were speaking as the whistle went and your Modern Boy took you up there...

CN: He certainly does!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM LS AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are equal now in third place with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. You are only one point behind Linda, two points behind Paul. It’s a very even contest, if it is a contest. Because um, well no, the points are there, but I mean it’s the fun isn’t it. Kit it’s your turn to begin, the subject is superstitions. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KHH: There’s a very good one in this lovely city of Winchester. There is a Saint Swithin whose remains were removed from the cloister to the high altar, and in doing so precipitated 40 days of rain. Whether it was methane gash or global warming...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: I don’t know about methane gash.

PM: That’s...

CN: They were a great band!

PM: It’s also a very nasty medical complaint! You’ve got to go and see a doctor or open a window!

NP: I know! Absolutely! Right you’ve got in with a correct challenge...

CN: Thank you very much.

NP: Chris, you don’t thank me, it’s legitimate. Superstitions is the subject and there are 30, 46 seconds starting now.

CN: I am the most superstitious individual I know. I would even crawl through a woman’s legs if her tights had got a ladder in them. Um...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Kit you... you challenged.

KHH: There was an um in the middle of that but it just got engulfed in the great gales of everything.

NP: I know! I think he was entitled to um in the midst of that!

KHH: I think yes an um is the least of our problems...

NP: The audience response was so spontaneous, I think it was more than he ever expected. So er I think in view of the image that you created there, and the picture on your face, and all the rest of the team, you’re entitled to keep going. Further through this lady’s legs if you want to! And um 37 seconds, superstitions starting now.

CN: Once I came out the other side, I did find myself in Kabul, and because I am superstitious I...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes that was definitely hesitation. Paul you have superstitions, 31 seconds starting now.

PM: One of the superstitions you get in the theatre is it is apparently unlucky to whistle backstage. There is a reason for this. Apparently many...

BUZZ

PM: Oh!

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: I’m so sorry, but apparently.

NP: Two apparentlies.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes correct, 25 seconds, superstitions starting now.

KHH: Cabbies believe in Saint Fyakka who is apparently...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Can you say that on Radio Four?

KHH: I was going to add it’s what the cabbies say when you ask them to take you south of the river. But there is a Saint Fyakka apparently.

NP: Yes there is.

KHH: Apparently.

NP: It is, it’s a Spanish phrase. And you did hesitate. Twenty-three seconds Paul, superstitions starting now.

PM: To interfere with a goat in the middle of Piccadilly Circus on a moonlit night has always been considered bad luck in theatrical circles. Ralph Richardson...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Repetition of theatrical.

NP: Yes.

PM: Theatre I said before.

KHH: Oh was that still on superstition? Oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

NP: That’s right. No it doesn’t matter. Fifteen seconds, Paul, superstitions starting now.

PM: I am a very superstitious man. Perhaps my greatest fear and I don’t hesitate in saying this, or repeating myself, it’s this. I do not like, I never will, in fact I can’t stand, and I’ll tell you exactly what it is. I do not like the...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Are there lots of Is?

NP: And likes as well.

CN: And likes yes.

NP: Right so Chris you’ve cleverly got in with one second to go and on the subject of superstitions starting now.

CN: Superstitions are a way...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Chris, returning to your place of former triumph here, now you’re succeeding even better and you’re now in second place, one point behind Paul Merton. We’re moving into the final round and Linda it’s your turn to begin. The subject is junk mail starting now.

LS: Junk mail, I don’t think there’s any such thing as junk mail. Only unlicensed cab firms you haven’t met yet. I love to think them of all as friends waiting for me, the pea, pizza delivery companies and the...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged. Yes?

CN: Hesitation. Pe-pizza.

NP: Yes. It was a sort of stumble which we call hesitation.

LS: I have a speech impediment, but don’t let it worry you!

CN: Okay!

NP: Chris, correct challenge, because we interpret that as hesitation, because she stumbled, 44 seconds available, tell us something about junk mail starting now.

CN: I cancelled my subscription to The Modern Boy some time ago, and so when it arrives through the post now, to me it is junk mail. But more commonly I think of junk mail as maybe the sort of commonnnnnnn.... one....

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: A bit of a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, mmmmah! Thirty-one seconds, junk mail with you Paul starting now.

PM: Ironmongers Weekly is perhaps one of the finest magazines to come out of Shropshire. There aren’t many people today who subscribe to it. But I am, and I’m happy to say...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Ah a hesitation.

NP: I call that hesitation yes. Twenty-two seconds Kit, junk mail starting now.

KHH: Up the Yangtse River from Shanghai go the junks with their mail. And because they put the con into signia, they take the rule that you should never have a second delivery. You’re not allowed two babies in China. They say, it is mysterious and awesome sight to see...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: This isn’t really a question, it’s a sort of question. Does it matter if it doesn’t make any sense?

LS: Oh Chris, Chris, don’t stop pulling on that thread, the whole show will unravel!

LAUGHTER FROM CN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So what is your challenge?

CN: Well no, I was, deviation from er, from ah something!

NP: Something? English as we understand it?

CN: Not really!

NP: I was trying to help you there.

CN: I understood the words, it was just the order they were put in, I didn’t!

NP: I think the words, they still made some sort of sense, and he didn’t hesitate or repeat himself. Or actually deviate, did he? Kit it’s still with you and you have seven seconds on junk mail starting now.

KHH: Carrying their junk mail saying “are words failing you? Do you no longer seem to make any friends since...” (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Paul challenged just before the whistle.

PM: There was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation. Paul you have half a second on junk mail starting now.

PM: Junk mail!

WHISTLE

NP: So no more time to play Just A Minute and I will give you the final situation then. Linda Smith who has triumphed before in the past, did extremely well as always, and came just in fourth place. Only two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey who has also triumphed magnificently before. Chris Neill who has only played the game once before did amazingly well, looked as though he was going to win. He pipped at the post by Paul Merton, just two points ahead, so Paul you’re the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Linda Smith and Chris Neill. And I also thank Janet Staplehurst who has helped me keep the score and she’s blown that whistle very elegantly and beautifully. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And also we are grateful to our producer Claire Jones. And we are very grateful to our audience here in the Theatre Royal in Winchester for cheering us on our way so magnificently. And being such a warm and lovely audience. And highly charged in every sense of the word. From our audience, from our panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, thank you, tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Good-bye!

THEME MUSIC