JAM:PMerton,LSmith,KHesketh-Harvey,CNeill
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring PAUL MERTON, LINDA SMITH, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and CHRIS NEILL, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 18 February 2002)


NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!

THEME MUSIC

NP: Thank you very much, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my infinite pleasure to welcome our many listeners throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show this week four exciting, highly talented and individual people who have gained such prominence in their own separate worlds in the great field of comedy. Here they have come together to give of their all of their best in Just A Minute. So will you please welcome Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Linda Smith and Chris Neill. Beside me sits Janet Staplehurst whoís going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the beautiful refurbished Theatre Royal in the ancient and cathedral city of Winchester.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: As you can hear from the warmth of their applause they are delighted to welcome us back to do another edition here of Just A Minute. As usual Iím going to ask our players to speak on a subject I will give them and they will try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviating from the subject. And we begin the show this week with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And the subject is my idea of a perfect day. Kit, 60 seconds as usual starting now.

KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: I guess it would have to be Doris Day. I adored her with her little gingham frocks, her throaty chuckle, her inviting blue eyes, and singing ďoh the deadwood stages are riding on, over the plane, whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away...Ē

BUZZ


KHH: No! No!

NP: Itís a difficult game if you get carried away! Linda you challenged first.

LINDA SMITH: Ah...

KHH: It was deviation I think, whip crack away wasnít it.

NP: Repetition.

LS: It was a bit of both, wasnít it. Repetitive deviation.

NP: You have a correct challenge Linda, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, 45 seconds are available, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

LS: My idea of a perfect day is certainly not that BBC advert, perfect day, where people...

BUZZ

NP: Ah Paul challenged.

PAUL MERTON: Repetition of B.

NP: Well listened, Paul yes. You got in with a correct challenge and you have 40 seconds now, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

PM: Lou Reed wrote a song called Perfect Day, that the Beeb BC used...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Beeb, deviation from the English language as we know it.

NP: Well thereís no such place as Beeb BC, is there?

LS: Absolutely not.

PM: My pet name for it!

NP: I know, we know what you were meaning, but ah I donít know. When we were here some time ago, you did exactly the same thing and I gave you the benefit of the doubt on that occasion.

PM: Yes.

NP: Iím going to give Linda the benefit of the doubt on this occasion.

PM: Mister Consistency!

NP: Mister Fairness! Right Linda, 34 seconds, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

LS: Lou Reed, as Paul just mentioned, wrote a song called Perfect Day which was used by one of the television channels as an advertising slogan with many popular artists singing a small portion of the aforementioned popular entertainment...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Two populars.

NP: There were two populars, yes.

LS: You canít be too popular though, can you?

NP: Kit a correct challenge, another point to you, 19 seconds available, my idea of a perfect day starting now.

KHH: I was terribly fond of Sir Robin Day with his wheezy chuckle and I also liked Sir John Day, the 16th century publisher of church music who was so terribly good at tallis!

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CHRIS NEILL: That was a hesitation.

KHH: It was total collapse! No, I think it was! It was yes.

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: I donít think it was, but the audience decided it was. So Chris you have the benefit of the doubt, you have nine seconds, tell us something about my idea of a perfect day starting now.

CN: As a rule I can be quite lazy. But on this perfect day I would get up very early, go out of my house, go to my local asses milk factory, bring a couple of gallons back...

WHISTLE

NP: Where do you live with an asses milk factory on the doorstep?

CN: South-east London!

NP: So whoever is speaking when the whistle goes in this... far more likely to find them in Winchester I would have thought actually. There we are. Gets an extra point. On this occasion it was Chris Neill and heís now in the lead, equal with Linda Smith at the end of the first round. Theyíre both one point ahead of Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Paul Merton. Itís terribly exciting, isnít it. Linda will you take the next round, the subject is faith, hope and charity. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds if you can starting now.

LS: Faith, hope and charity sounds like a particularly lying name for a firm of solicitors. But actually faith, hope and charity are the spiritual essentials with which, out which... ah...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Iím sorry, it was collapse.

NP: Yes.

KHH: Hesitation.

NP: We call it hesitation, right, 47 seconds, faith, hope and charity with you Kit starting now.

KHH: I think it was Saint Paul who said ďand now abideth three thingsĒ. He said they were faith, hope and charity. In fact theyíre British winter time, people who ring you up when theyíre just getting into the bath and ask you what gas company you are with, and Nicholas Parsons. I canít say that any of these... (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Well it all fell apart there.

NP: Yes it did. Not surprising, putting me in with Saint Paul and the gas company and everything else. Thirty-one seconds, faith, hope and charity, with you Chris starting now.

CN: Faith, Hope and Charity are three gorgeous sisters who live in Nuneaton. Theyíre still all at school actually. One is 12, oneís 13 and one...

BUZZ

CN: Oh yes!

NP: Oh yes! Linda? One, one, one, yes.

CN: Yes. Iím a fool!

NP: Only to yourself!

CN: No, I think Iím doing quite a few people here actually!

NP: Twenty-two seconds available for you Linda on faith hope and charity starting now.

LS: Faith, hope and charity are names quite popular with middle class people...

BUZZ

NP: Kitís challenged.

KHH: Is it popular again? Does it go from one to the next?

NP: Yes you said about popular.

LS: Oh does it count?

NP: Yes.

KHH: I think it does, I think it leaps.

LS: Oh it carries on!

KHH: Itís a vicious rule.

LS: Itís like a roll-over!

KHH: Yes.

NP: You canít use the same words in the same round again.

LS: Oh.

NP: So ah well listened Kit, 18 seconds, faith hope and charity starting now.

KHH: I was gibbering with delight when they told me that this edition was going to come from the beautiful cathedral city of Westminster. I went to Waterloo and said ďhow do...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Chris has challenged.

BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE

KHH: How could I be so stupid?

NP: I, I think you lost quite a few friends Kit! With one simple remark! But Chris you challenged first, yes?

CN: Deviation.

NP: Of course perhaps you were told it was originally going to be in Westminster Abbey, yes.

KHH: Itís an initiative in Winchester, and itís such a joy to be here instead.

NP: Right, so deviation as well as hesitation, right. Ten seconds, faith, hope and charity with you Chris Neill starting now.

CN: Faith is particularly skilled at botany, whereas hope is very good at home economics. Charity on the other hand has a gift for languages. German, French, Italian, Russian...

WHISTLE

NP: So er Chris Neill was again speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point for doing so. And has increased his lead at the end of that round over Linda Smith and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And Chris itís also your turn to begin. And the subject is furrey (to rhyme with curry or hurry) dice.

CN: Furrey dice?

LS: Furry (to rhyme with purr-ee)!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

NP: Yes...

CN: Iíll talk about it if you like!

NP: Is that furry dice again?

CN: Thatís what is in my mind!

NP: Itís very strangely spelt on my card if it is. Itís er, you pronounce it furry, is that right?

CN: I do, as a rule, yes!

NP: I spell, furry is spelt differently to that. Anyway...

CN: No itís not!

NP: Isnít it?

CN: Itís spelt F-U-R-R-Y. Thatís what youíve got in front of you!

NP: Is it?

CN: That is it!

NP: Well I suppose I go back to my childhood, we used to talk about furrey dice. And we used to have some very furrey dice we used to play with.

CN: And how was that spelt?

NP: Well we spelt... I was too young to know how it was spelt. So Chris...

LS: Thatís a band, name of Super Furrey Animals...

NP: Itís your turn to begin and the subject is furry dice, and there are 60 seconds as usual starting now.

CN: Furry dice, ő know people have them in their cars for good luck, I donít really understand this. Itís a bizarre concept to me. What, I havenít passed my driving test, I canít tell the difference between the clutch and the glove compartment, I know what, iíll get too furry dice, thatíll give me, make, ooohh!

BUZZ

NP: Right So Paul you challenged first. What was the challenge?

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes right. Thirty-six seconds, furry dice, with you Paul starting now.

PM: Iíve got some furrey dice. One of themís burnt. I call it the furrey with the singe on top! Itís amazing...

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM LS, CN AND THE AUDIENCE

PM: ... because itís one of the most extraordinary objects Iíve got in my house. I love to drive a Ford Cortina with these furry, if you prefer that pronunciation, dice, hanging down from the windscreen. They were a symbol of the 70s werenít they? It was a cheap way of saying I donít know who I am, or what Iím doing, but Iím stupid enough to think this is an attractive thing to put in my car. And lots of people did that, at the time. You remember Lord Hailmsham? He used to drive all the way round...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: I think it was Hailsham, not Hailmsham, wasnít it?

PM: Which Lord are you talking about?

KHH: Iím sorry, is this a different... Iím sorry!

PM: Not Lord Hailsham, no, he was much more famous!

NP: So I think you got out of that one actually!

PM: I think I did, donít you!

NP: Yes! Very clever! Iím sure itís wrong! But you very cleverly got out of it Paul. So I give you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion and five seconds on furry or furrey dice starting now.

PM: The great thing to rememberer about these...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Rememberer.

NP: Yeah, that time I think your deviation from English as we understand it...

PM: Did I say rememberer?

NP: Yes you did.

PM: Did I?

NP: Yes you did. So...

PM: Are you sure?

NP: Absolutely.

PM: Play back the tape!

NP: Same as you said Hailmsham before! Right so Kit Iím with you on this one, three seconds, furrey dice starting now.

KHH: I had to go and castrate a leopard in order to get one of these...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Deviation!

NP: Why?

PM: You donít have to castrate a leopard to get furry dice! Hailfordís sell them!

KHH: I was living a long long way away from the nearest Hailfordís!

PM: People all over the world, people all over the world are listening to this programme!

NP: If we are going to go on your flights of fantasy, and not be challenged...

PM: You mean people in China are going to think oh, I want some furry dice, they go castrate a leopard?

NP: They may think that, but, the point is, if they would go with your flights of fantasy, where you go off with fictitious names, we can go off an imagine that Kit Hesketh-Harvey does ... (starts to laugh)

PM: You canít even say it! Thatís how rubbish it is!

NP: Itís the image of him catching a tiger and castrating it that...

PM: Leopard! Leopard!

NP: A leopard was it, I donít know...

PM: Donít drag the tigers into this! The dice wonít match!

NP: Kit you have the benefit of the doubt on this one with the leopards and the castration, one second on furry dice starting now.

KHH: Itís a surrealist masterpiece...

WHISTLE

NP: So Kit Hesketh-Harvey speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He has taken the lead over Chris Neill, just one point ahead. Then Paul Merton and Linda Smith equal in third place. And Paul your turn to begin and the subject now is off the rails. Something which you never do in this game, but talk on the subject if you can starting now.

PM: I think going off the rails is quite a good philosophy in life. After all, whatís the alternative? Staying on the rails? Knowing where youíre going to end up, in some tired old depot at the end of your life. This track leads to this place, I will end up here. It seems terrible really...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Lot of end ups and...

NP: No, only one but it was correct.

PM: Only one? But itís not repetition then!

NP: You repeated...

PM: Thank you Nicholas! You, youíre a marvellous chairman!

NP: You repeated it once...

PM: The best chairman weíve ever had on this show, you know!

NP: But he repeated it once, it was I know. Forty-five seconds, correct challenge anyway, off the rails with you Kit starting now.

KHH: People who strike me as genuinely off the rails are train spotters. Particularly as nowadays the vehicles in question look like mobile tetropacks. Itís like spotting Nissan Micras. What on earth is the point? Life is too short people! Go out and live somewhat!

BUZZ

NP: Chris Neill challenged.

CN: Ah hesitation.

NP: There was a hesitation Chris. The subject is off the rails starting now.

CN: Very recently I had a lovely long weekend in Paris. We stayed in a very nice hotel and I noticed that the new fashion in Paris is to... oh God!

BUZZ

NP: Right Linda, you had a correct challenge, 23 seconds, off the rails starting now.

LS: Off the rails does sound a very exciting thing to be. Young men who are off the rails are always the devil-may-care James Dean type. The kind of lads who surly and strange, hang about on the back of dodgems attracting the local girls as they come into town with the fun fair. And what a lot of pleasure that aforementioned entertainment is when...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: I just want to say I agree with her!

LAUGHTER FROM NP, LS AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: What I do on these occasions is I, I give a bonus point because everybody enjoyed the interruption. But it wasnít exactly a challenge so as Linda was interrupted she gets a point. And Linda, two seconds on off the rails starting now.

LS: Off the rails would clearly describe both Chris...

WHISTLE

NP: So Linda was speaking, Linda Smith, as the whistle went, gained an extra point. Sheís now in second place behind our equal leaders, Chris Neill and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. And for once Paul Merton is trailing a little. And Chris itís your turn to begin, the subject is my telephone bill. Tell us something about my telephone bill starting now.

CN: The first thing that must be said is itís huge! Having nothing to do on a daily basis, Iím always on the phone. But also it means that when the little letter comes through from British Telecom, I get great delight in going through reminding myself who Iíve had contact with over the last three months. Iím very precise about this and there was one number which began 089 ditto-second-letter-number-thing and um...

BUZZ

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Iím sorry, he did um in the, eventually.

NP: I know he did yes.

KHH: Is that too cruel?

NP: It is a bit cruel...

CN: No, itís not, no! Iím very happy!

NP: And you, you, you, you struggled out of it so well and then ummed.

CN: Ah!

NP: Oh dear! So Kit 36 seconds, my telephone bill starting now.

KHH: I was contacted by British Telecom to say that your bill is on an industrial scale. This is because my children sit there contacting porn sites on the Internet constantly day and night. He said ďdo you want to pay by Internet?Ē What a very good idea, I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Ah repetition of Internet.

NP: Yes that is right yes. Paul youíve got in with 24 seconds, my telephone bill starting now.

PM: Many years ago when I was looking for somewhere to live, I went to this place in Stretton. And this man was trying to convince me that living in his house would be very cheap. He said ďlook, hereís my telephone billĒ. And I thought...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Sorry. Actually I didnít mean to challenge. I just... I really didnít mean to challenge actually. Iíve got no challenge.

NP: Youíve got no...

CN: But I feel terrible because I know Paul was about to say something funny, Iím sure, and I...

NP: Paul you were interrupted, 13 seconds, my telephone bill, starting now.

PM: That only makes sense if I phone the same people as you do for the similar amount of time. He looked at me for a moment, puzzled by this, and then he went away. Well in fact I killed him. And the police never found out. I used an alibi, my telephone bill...

WHISTLE

NP: So Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went. And now itís an interesting situation. Heís now equal in the lead with Linda Smith and Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Theyíre all three together, with only Chris Neill following two points behind.

SHOUTS OF ďAWWWĒ FROM THE AUDIENCE

CN: Thanks!

NP: He was in the lead a minute ago, heíll probably be back in the lead again.

CN: Swings and roundabouts, I can cope!

NP: Paul itís your...

LS: Weíre having a whip-round later. Weíre having a whip-round later to send Chris to Disneyland!

NP: Ah no no! Youíre here for your contribution, itís wonderful! Right Paul...

CN: Thatís one way of putting it!

NP: Itís your turn to begin, the subject is comics. Tell us something about comics starting now.

PM: I was an avid reader of comics when I was younger. Saturday morning they would come through the letterbox, delivered with the newspaper. My favourite comic at the time was one called Rover that was rather different from the usual comic because it was mainly words rather than pictures. So you would read these stories about some guy who flew planes in World War Two or perhaps an individual who played in a football team. And you could get involved. You could create the images in your head rather than just look at some cartoonistís work. They donít do that publication...

BUZZ

NP: Linda challenged.

LS: Thatís a book!

NP: Itís a clever challenge Linda but he is, I mean, The Rover. I read The Rover as well. And Modern Boy. They did have serious stories...

CN: The Modern Boy?

HUGE LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

PM: Yes but you must remember in Nicholasís childhood, The Modern Boy looked like Isambard Kingdom Brunell!

LAUGHTER FROM LS, CN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I think youíre all terribly unkind! There was a very popular magazine called The Modern Boy.

CN: It still sells well!

NP: And just to prove my point, it had, it had stories by WE Johns about Biggles and co. Youíve heard of Biggles...

CN: I have yes.

NP: ... and Algy and Ginger...

CN: No, not Ginger.

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

CN: And I've not heard of Alty either, what did he do?

NP: Well those Biggles books, he used to serialise them in The Modern Boy, WE Johns.

CN: Oh right!

NP: They were about Biggles...

KHH: Ginger and Posh and Baby... Sporty...

NP: And there was the other ones about Captain Justice. Wonderful serial that was. And Professor Flagnazle.

CN: Yes!

NP: they were wonderful. I will get letters about this I hope, to prove I was right. It was a wonderful wonderful...

BUZZ

NP: Yes, repetition...

KHH: Repetition.

NP: All right! So Linda your challenge was incorrect, those stories did appear in The Rover and other similar ones. Did you read Hotspur as well?

PM: No I didnít, no.

NP: No, it was a very good one, right. Rover was good though. Thirty-one seconds, comics with you Paul starting now.

PM: Itís a colloquial term, a shorthand for comedians as well. I suppose when I was about eight years, I was first fascinated by those practitioners of the comic arts. I would watch such shows as Sunday Night At The London Palladium. And I couldnít give a fig for the acrobats or the singers. Dancers left me cold. But as soon as somebody came on, proclaiming themselves to be a funny individual I was hooked. I loved it and I think thatís the reason why I am what I am today which is repeating the word am...

BUZZ

PM: Sorry.

NP: And Linda you challenged first.

LS: Am. Yes.

NP: Five seconds, comics starting now.

LS: Comics, I always used to love Hackle, Huckleberr... Oh!

BUZZ

NP: Chris you challenged.

CN: Ah it was a sort of deviationy repetition.

NP: Yes we call that a hesitation.

CN: Oh it was a hesitation? Right, okay.

NP: All right Chris, you have two seconds, comics starting now.

CN: The Modern Boy is my current favourite read...

WHISTLE

NP: Oh it might revive an interest and theyíll bring it back. Who knows? Chris Neill you were speaking as the whistle went and your Modern Boy took you up there...

CN: He certainly does!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM LS AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: You are equal now in third place with Kit Hesketh-Harvey. You are only one point behind Linda, two points behind Paul. Itís a very even contest, if it is a contest. Because um, well no, the points are there, but I mean itís the fun isnít it. Kit itís your turn to begin, the subject is superstitions. Tell us something about that in this game starting now.

KHH: Thereís a very good one in this lovely city of Winchester. There is a Saint Swithin whose remains were removed from the cloister to the high altar, and in doing so precipitated 40 days of rain. Whether it was methane gash or global warming...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: I donít know about methane gash.

PM: Thatís...

CN: They were a great band!

PM: Itís also a very nasty medical complaint! Youíve got to go and see a doctor or open a window!

NP: I know! Absolutely! Right youíve got in with a correct challenge...

CN: Thank you very much.

NP: Chris, you donít thank me, itís legitimate. Superstitions is the subject and there are 30, 46 seconds starting now.

CN: I am the most superstitious individual I know. I would even crawl through a womanís legs if her tights had got a ladder in them. Um...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

BUZZ

NP: Kit you... you challenged.

KHH: There was an um in the middle of that but it just got engulfed in the great gales of everything.

NP: I know! I think he was entitled to um in the midst of that!

KHH: I think yes an um is the least of our problems...

NP: The audience response was so spontaneous, I think it was more than he ever expected. So er I think in view of the image that you created there, and the picture on your face, and all the rest of the team, youíre entitled to keep going. Further through this ladyís legs if you want to! And um 37 seconds, superstitions starting now.

CN: Once I came out the other side, I did find myself in Kabul, and because I am superstitious I...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Hesitation.

NP: Yes that was definitely hesitation. Paul you have superstitions, 31 seconds starting now.

PM: One of the superstitions you get in the theatre is it is apparently unlucky to whistle backstage. There is a reason for this. Apparently many...

BUZZ

PM: Oh!

NP: Kit you challenged.

KHH: Iím so sorry, but apparently.

NP: Two apparentlies.

PM: Yes.

NP: Yes correct, 25 seconds, superstitions starting now.

KHH: Cabbies believe in Saint Fyakka who is apparently...

BUZZ

NP: Paul challenged.

PM: Can you say that on Radio Four?

KHH: I was going to add itís what the cabbies say when you ask them to take you south of the river. But there is a Saint Fyakka apparently.

NP: Yes there is.

KHH: Apparently.

NP: It is, itís a Spanish phrase. And you did hesitate. Twenty-three seconds Paul, superstitions starting now.

PM: To interfere with a goat in the middle of Piccadilly Circus on a moonlit night has always been considered bad luck in theatrical circles. Ralph Richardson...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Repetition of theatrical.

NP: Yes.

PM: Theatre I said before.

KHH: Oh was that still on superstition? Oh Iím sorry, Iím sorry.

NP: Thatís right. No it doesnít matter. Fifteen seconds, Paul, superstitions starting now.

PM: I am a very superstitious man. Perhaps my greatest fear and I donít hesitate in saying this, or repeating myself, itís this. I do not like, I never will, in fact I canít stand, and Iíll tell you exactly what it is. I do not like the...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: Are there lots of Is?

NP: And likes as well.

CN: And likes yes.

NP: Right so Chris youíve cleverly got in with one second to go and on the subject of superstitions starting now.

CN: Superstitions are a way...

WHISTLE

NP: Right so Chris, returning to your place of former triumph here, now youíre succeeding even better and youíre now in second place, one point behind Paul Merton. Weíre moving into the final round and Linda itís your turn to begin. The subject is junk mail starting now.

LS: Junk mail, I donít think thereís any such thing as junk mail. Only unlicensed cab firms you havenít met yet. I love to think them of all as friends waiting for me, the pea, pizza delivery companies and the...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged. Yes?

CN: Hesitation. Pe-pizza.

NP: Yes. It was a sort of stumble which we call hesitation.

LS: I have a speech impediment, but donít let it worry you!

CN: Okay!

NP: Chris, correct challenge, because we interpret that as hesitation, because she stumbled, 44 seconds available, tell us something about junk mail starting now.

CN: I cancelled my subscription to The Modern Boy some time ago, and so when it arrives through the post now, to me it is junk mail. But more commonly I think of junk mail as maybe the sort of commonnnnnnn.... one....

BUZZ

NP: Paul you challenged.

PM: A bit of a hesitation.

NP: Yes it was, mmmmah! Thirty-one seconds, junk mail with you Paul starting now.

PM: Ironmongers Weekly is perhaps one of the finest magazines to come out of Shropshire. There arenít many people today who subscribe to it. But I am, and Iím happy to say...

BUZZ

NP: Kit challenged.

KHH: Ah a hesitation.

NP: I call that hesitation yes. Twenty-two seconds Kit, junk mail starting now.

KHH: Up the Yangtse River from Shanghai go the junks with their mail. And because they put the con into signia, they take the rule that you should never have a second delivery. Youíre not allowed two babies in China. They say, it is mysterious and awesome sight to see...

BUZZ

NP: Chris challenged.

CN: This isnít really a question, itís a sort of question. Does it matter if it doesnít make any sense?

LS: Oh Chris, Chris, donít stop pulling on that thread, the whole show will unravel!

LAUGHTER FROM CN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So what is your challenge?

CN: Well no, I was, deviation from er, from ah something!

NP: Something? English as we understand it?

CN: Not really!

NP: I was trying to help you there.

CN: I understood the words, it was just the order they were put in, I didnít!

NP: I think the words, they still made some sort of sense, and he didnít hesitate or repeat himself. Or actually deviate, did he? Kit itís still with you and you have seven seconds on junk mail starting now.

KHH: Carrying their junk mail saying ďare words failing you? Do you no longer seem to make any friends since...Ē (starts to giggle)

BUZZ

WHISTLE

NP: Paul challenged just before the whistle.

PM: There was a hesitation there.

NP: There was a hesitation. Paul you have half a second on junk mail starting now.

PM: Junk mail!

WHISTLE

NP: So no more time to play Just A Minute and I will give you the final situation then. Linda Smith who has triumphed before in the past, did extremely well as always, and came just in fourth place. Only two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey who has also triumphed magnificently before. Chris Neill who has only played the game once before did amazingly well, looked as though he was going to win. He pipped at the post by Paul Merton, just two points ahead, so Paul youíre the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to our four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Linda Smith and Chris Neill. And I also thank Janet Staplehurst who has helped me keep the score and sheís blown that whistle very elegantly and beautifully. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And also we are grateful to our producer Claire Jones. And we are very grateful to our audience here in the Theatre Royal in Winchester for cheering us on our way so magnificently. And being such a warm and lovely audience. And highly charged in every sense of the word. From our audience, from our panel, from me Nicholas Parsons, thank you, tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute! Good-bye!

THEME MUSIC