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WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE! starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and AIMI MACDONALD, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 26 December 1972)
THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Aimi Macdonald in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons. NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute, and we do hope that you all had a lovely Christmas. And you’re going to have a wonderful New Year. And we’ve got four wonderful players of Just A Minute here who are full of turkey, I can see. Coming out of Kenneth Williams’ ear holes, it’s dripping down Clement’s Freud’s chin, and it’s sprouting out of Peter Jones’s, and Aimi Macdonald’s looking slim as ever. I’m going to ask them all to speak if they can for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject, or it might even be a topical one, without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject on the card. And we’re going to begin this show with Peter Jones. Peter, silent night, can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now. PETER JONES: Well it wasn’t very. Because there was so much noise, children running upstairs, and people trampling around in the bedrooms and in the... BUZZ NP: Peter, Aimi Macdonald has challenged. Why? AIMI MACDONALD: Deviation because he’s talking about noisy night. NP: Ah! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: A very good challenge, the audience applause convinces me that you were, have a correct challenge so you gain a point for that, you take over the subject of silent night, and there are 50 seconds to go starting now. AM: When all is quiet, and you look out and the sky is sparkling with stars, and you hear in the distance a choir of angels singing, silent night, holy night, all is calm... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of night. NP: There are 37 seconds with you Clement Freud, having gained a point and the subject starting now. CF: One of the most boring conversations I ever heard in my life... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: I don’t want to hear the most boring conversation he ever heard in his life! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Unfortunately if you’re in Just A Minute and wish to talk about the most boring conversation you ever heard in your life, we are forced to listen to it because as long as he doesn’t deviate from the subject on the card, he gets a point for a wrong challenge and keeps going with 33 seconds left starting now. CF: Was with a deaf and dumb Scottish baronet called Sir Hamish McConnachie. “Good morning,” I said, and there was no reply whatsoever. Which surprised me at the time because I was unaware of his physical debility. But over the years we became tremendous friends. And I must say he was the most silent knight it has ever been my misfortune... GROANS FROM THE AUDIENCE BUZZ NP: Aimi Macdonald has challenged you. Aimi what is your challenge? AM: Oh deviation, he’s not talking about that sort of night, is he? NP: You don’t believe that there wasn’t such a knight? You don’t believe that he ever had a boring conversation? AM: No! NP: No, not even in his imagination. AM: Oh no! NP: No I don’t believe that this knight exists. If he does, perhaps he would write in and I would award the points to Clement Freud next week. CF: How can he write in? He can’t hear! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: That’s why I knew I was safe Clement, in giving Aimi Macdonald the point and the subject with only 10 and a half seconds to go Aimi, silent night starting now. AM: One day I came home from work, and you know how it is. I was really raring to go! And I got on the telephone and I rang up all my friends, and I said “come round and let’s...” WHISTLE NP: Those who follow the game will know that after 60 seconds a whistle is blown by Ian Messiter, which tells us that we have no more time for that round. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point. It was Aimi Macdonald so we will never know what happens when she’s raring to go! But she does have a lead over everyone else at the end of that round. And Kenneth Williams we’re now going to hear from you. KENNETH WILLIAMS: About time! NP: The subject is a very personal and topical one. Saint Nicholas. Ah Saint Nicholas, 60 seconds with you Kenneth starting now. KW: Well as Clement Freud will enlighteningly tell you, he was a German. And the hair shirt which he habitually wore was found in the end to have become parasitical to the flesh. That is to say actually growing on him! “Oooohhh”, they cried, “what an offensive odour! Get it off Nick!” Because they was all calling him by the shortened versions of the name. He hadn’t got the kind of dignity or persona that you would call exculpadre, so naturally they always did address him in these endearing terms. And they ripped it off. Well there was a terrible scream and he shouted “help”, you see. Actually his words were “aidez moi” because he used the French version, you see... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: If he was a German... NP: He couldn’t have been... (laughs) LAUGHTER FROM PJ, CF AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Actually ah... CF: He couldn’t have said aidez moi. NP: He could have said, even if he was the German, he still could have said aidez moi. Actually earlier on he said “get it off Nick” which was English wasn’t it? So he’s been using more than one language. Clement you have a point, four seconds, Saint Nicholas starting now. CF: Hagiographers all over the world will tell you... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged. KW: Why is he blinding us all with science? Hagiographers! What’s this mean? Do you know what he’s talking about? Do you know? PJ: It is in English at any rate! LAUGHTER FROM CF, AM AND THE AUDIENCE PJ: You were spouting German and French! NP: Yes I know! Ah he wasn’t deviating from the subject of Saint Nicholas. Clement you have a point and... KW: Oh! NP: ... two seconds on the subject starting now. CF: Saint Nicholas on the fifth... WHISTLE NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, so he has taken the lead at the end of that round. And Aimi Macdonald is now in second place and Clement Freud will you begin? The subject, goodwill. Will you show us some of the goodwill that we all expect at this time of year in 60 seconds starting now. CF: When you buy a downtrodden cafe on the Great West Road for which the lease is four thousand five hundred and ninety-three pounds, there’s always a sum which the estate agent expects you to pay in respect of goodwill. The fact that no-one has ever been in the establishment, and hardly anyone is likely to go there, but it is now on a bypass, around which no-one ever turns up, is beside the point. Goodwill they say... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: He just said it was beside the point so it must be a deviation! It must be! He said it’s beside the point! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Yes what a difficult challenge. This one I will have to put to the audience because... CF: No, no, give it to him! Give it to him! NP: Well I’ve got to be fair... CF: It’s the season of goodwill, I’d like to... NP: It may be beside the point but at the same time you did not... CF: This is the season of goodwill. I would like you to give it to him. NP: All right, Kenneth has given you a point, you’ve given one to Peter Jones. Though actually I don’t think... APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: I don’t think you’ve altogether given it to him because I think it was a very good challenge. There are 30 seconds Peter, goodwill starting now. PJ: I always think of my son who is named William, and we call him Will. I don’t know whether he’s good or not, probably he isn’t.... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams. KW: Deviation, he says he’s not, so why does he call him Good Will? I mean it’s ridiculous! The whole thing is ridiculous! NP: Yes... KW: Far-fetched! Tangenden.... tendentious... NP: Yes! KW: Far-fetched indeed and therefore alien to the spirit of goodwill which is what we are discussing. NP: I agree with that so... KW: Nice! Lovely chairman! Beautiful fellow! NP: What a change! Twenty-three seconds on goodwill with you Kenneth starting now. KW: This is the true reciprocity of human understanding! When we say “oh, lovely to see! Have a cup of tea and aspirin,” we are not plugging anyone’s trademark. Oh no, we are doing what in England has become habitual when we want you to unbend, unwind, let your hair down... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, he gained the extra point and he moved forward into third place ahead of Peter Jones. Aimi in second, Clement leading. And Aimi Macdonald, your turn to begin and the subject, how I boiled my Christmas pudding. Would you talk about your Christmas pudding and how you boiled it for 60 seconds starting now. AM: I got all my ingredients and I placed them on top of the working top. And then I made sure my hands were clean and kneaded them all together in what is commonly known as a basin. I added a few spices and herbs, etcetera, and then I lowered it all... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. AM: Oh! NP: What’s your challenge Clement? CF: Deviation, you can’t put herbs into a Christmas pudding! LAUGHTER FROM KW AND THE AUDIENCE NP: Kenneth, Clement, of course you probably don’t put herbs in, but it’s perfectly possible to put them in. And Aimi Macdonald obviously... CF: Not herbs! Not herbs! NP: Aimi Macdonald is not such a good cook as you are, and if she puts herbs in her Christmas pudding, I just hope she doesn’t ask me round to have some of it! But she wasn’t deviating from the subject. So, how I boiled my Christmas pudding, Aimi, 40 seconds to go... AM: I forgot that Clement is a cook actually. You shouldn’t have given me that one, you see. NP: Why? AM: Well he obviously knows more about it than I do! NP: No but then he challenged you... CF: Everybody! NP: You got the points, I wouldn’t worry! Forty seconds still with you Aimi starting now. AM: When I’ve got it all in the bowl, I mould it into a great round lump! And then I get another basin, a clean one... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? AM: Oh basin, yes. CF: Repetition of basin. AM: Oh. NP: Oh yes what a pity, I wanted to know what she did with all this. Remind me not to accept that invitation round to your cooking, will you Aimi? Right, 30 seconds with you now Clement on how I boiled my Christmas pudding starting now. CF: There is a woman in Stratford St Mary who boiled her Christmas pudding and became blind. I wish to know nothing of that because the way I boil my Christmas pudding is the only authentic way. You get... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones. PJ: Repetition of way. NP: Yes. PJ: The way I do it is the only way. NP: That’s right yes. PJ: Apart from being a rather arrogant remark, I thought! LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, AM AND THE AUDIENCE NP: I give you one point for a correct challenge, I can’t give you one for arrogance of your opponent. There are 18 seconds on how I boiled my Christmas pudding Peter starting now. PJ: Well it is in the past tense, you notice. So I can describe the act of putting the saucepan on the gas stove with a portion of water in it, which has to have bits of metal to keep the basin from hitting the base of the pan. Now... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went. He’s now moved into third place and ah Peter it’s also your turn to begin. What I got for Christmas. Can you tell us what you received for Christmas in 60 seconds starting now. PJ: Well it was something that I’ve been looking forward to getting for a very long time. And my wife and friends and relatives were all anxious for me to receive this gift. Now it was supposed to be a surprise. And when I went to sleep on Christmas Eve, I had no idea that this was in store for me. Now you understand that the relatives who journeyed from all corners of these islands to our house for this occasion were also in the dark, because the parcel which contained it was under the stairs and we kept it a secret, because the unveiling ceremony which was due to be held... WHISTLE NP: And we will never know what he got for Christmas! He never got as far as the unveiling ceremony. I never heard of unwrapping a parcel referred to as an unveiling ceremony! If you keep going without being interrupted for 60 seconds, you gain a bonus point which is just what Peter Jones has done. And the first person to do it for a number of weeks. Congratulations Peter! PJ: Thank you very much. NP: You have moved forward again but you are still one point behind our leader who is still Clement Freud. Kenneth will you begin, party games. Can you give us some information, a few hints or some inside knowledge on that subject in 60 seconds starting now. KW: Here’s a pencil and pad And you won’t find it bad, These games that we all of us know, Pass them on as you write them And ad infinitum Party games make a good party go. Which was what someone once said to me on this subject. Now hide the thimble, quite amusing! Postman’s knock, very interesting! And the marvellous pin cushion. Now this is probably the most intriguing of all. You have this playful instrument which is designed so that without being obvious in any way there is a prick which will be felt on a certain occasion when you manipulate a tiny piece of wire. Now you get somebody who’s tremendously dignified to sit in this place and then you press it... (laughs) BUZZ KW: And they go “Oi, ouch!” NP: And as you said press it, Clement Freud pressed his buzzer. What’s the challenge Clement? CF: Hesitation. NP: Not... SHOUTS OF “NO” FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: He started giggling! NP: And the audience say no as well. Five seconds still with you Kenneth on party games starting now. KW: Well he’s put me off terrible! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud challenged, why? KW: He’s put me off awful! It’s terrible! NP: Clement what was your challenge that time? CF: Deviation. NP: Why? CF: That was nothing to do with party games. NP: It does! He was just going off and saying he put me right off. It’s one of those things, he’s put right off, but he was still on the subject of party games. Some party games put you right off! There are three seconds for you Kenneth on party games starting now. KW: Another kind of party game is when... BUZZ NP: Peter Jones has challenged. PJ: Repetition of another. He said another earlier on when he was describing the second game. NP: That’s perfectly correct Peter. You have two seconds on party games starting now. PJ: Get in a circle and... WHISTLE NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went, he’s now taken the lead over Clement Freud at the end of that round. Aimi Macdonald and Kenneth Williams are only a little way behind, equal in third place. Clement Freud, your turn to begin, pick-me-ups. We have to have a, a er, question about food or drink for you Clement and this is obviously a topical one. Will you talk on it for 60 seconds starting now. CF: Having had a particularly bibulous Christmas, I went to a doctor who said “open your mouth, put out your tongue”. And he then looked at it and said “if I were you, I wouldn’t put that back!” And left me in a particularly distressing situation, so on the following day I decided to partake of a small exercise. My butler and I went into the withdrawing room where each of us had a bottle of whisky which we drank, after which he went out and knocked on the door, and I had to guess who it was! This needed a pick-me-up of a very strong kind, and Worcester sauce, raw egg, tobasco, red pepper, cayem, salt, lemon juice and vinegar were suggested to me but rejected almost immediately. Because sterner and stronger stuff was quite clearly required before I would regain the equanimity with which I faced life in... WHISTLE NP: Well it is not often that we have two clear rounds in one particular game of Just A Minute. And Clement Freud has now achieved it, he gets the extra point for speaking when the whistle went. Aimi Macdonald, we come to you now, still on the same Christmas thoughts, taking down my decorations. Will you talk on that subject for 60 seconds starting now. AM: It’s very sad really to have to take down your decorations. But of course very necessary. First of all, you need one ladder. You get on the ladder and... BUZZ NP: And Clement Freud has challenged. AM: Oh I’ve done it again! Oh! NP: Oh I know! You need one ladder and you get on the ladder. Oh dear, well maybe you’ll get back Aimi. But you did... AM: I’ll catch him up! NP: Yes! I’m sure you will Aimi! Forty-seven seconds with you Clement on taking down my decorations starting now. CF: Walking into a famous West London store, and carrying on my left jacket pocket, both the insignia of the Victoria Cross, and that of the Victoria... BUZZ AM: Have I got it? NP: Got you! CF: Two Victorias! NP: I thought you were going to challenge on the fact that it was deviation because he hasn’t got a Victoria Cross. CF: That’s why I was asked to take them down! NP: Yes all right! Ah, 37 seconds on... I realised that but I hadn’t got as far as saying it! Thirty-seven seconds on taking down my decorations Aimi starting now. AM: I climbed up the steps and first of all had to unhook the balloons. To do this you need a very small object with a little hook on the end of it, in order to get the tacks out. This takes an awful lot of time... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: There’s no tax on balloons, is there? NP: The tacks were in a wall, holding up the balloons! CF: Oh I’m sorry! I mean I know the Government has gone berserk! APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE NP: Oh there, bad luck Clement! Aimi you have a point and you have 22 seconds for taking down my decorations starting now. AM: This involves a great deal of trouble, and you have to do it properly, otherwise you leave great holes in the wall. Then you have to take the other bits of decorations which are all over the place, and you really can’t be bothered, because it’s the last thing you want to do, it really is! And they’re all... BUZZ NP: (laughs) Kenneth Williams. KW: Hesitation. NP: You challenged. KW: Hesitation. NP: Oh yes I’m afraid it was. The last thing you want to do, it really is! AM: But that’s... NP: And having said, it really is... AM: I was only breathing, honest! I was getting quite a flow and it was going to be beautiful! NP: It was, we loved the pause, it was beautiful, but I’m afraid you mustn’t do it quite so long in Just A Minute. So I agree with Kenneth’s challenge, he has four seconds on taking down my decorations starting now. KW: They don’t cause me any trouble at all. I leap into the air, grab them, rip them all off... WHISTLE NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went, he’s got an extra point. It’s still very very close. Kenneth will you begin, where I put my Christmas cards. Will you tell us something about it in 60 seconds starting now. KW: Here’s your Christmas greeting, like a clarion call, If you do not like it, stick it on the wall! Was once written on something sent to me. I actually did obey this injunction, and on the aforesaid place it was put. So when later on the sender of this quite impudent message called, he did witness the act. I said “innit lovely there! It seems to suit the decor.” Because it was black and white. He said “yes, do you know it’s after Beardsley?” I said “really? Is it? What’s it actually depict?” He said “a woman with this little dog.” I said “is it really a dog?” Oh! BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged. CF: Repetition. NP: Of? CF: Dog. NP: Yes, and there was a lot of... KW: I didn’t actually say the word dog. NP: No, but you did say he said a number of times. They let you get away with it Kenneth. There are six seconds for where I put my Christmas cards Clement, starting now. CF: Whenever I get a Christmas card, I add my name to the bottom, and send it to the next man who sends me a similar Christmas card... WHISTLE NP: Um Clement Freud, my New Year resolution. As New Year is not very far way, we’d love to hear, I hope to hear from all of them in this round, because I do want to know what some of their New Year resolutions are going to be. We start with you Clement, 60 seconds starting now. CF: My New Year resolution is to stop drinking, smoke no more and give up women, because then I would live longer. But it was explained to me that it would only seem to be that much. So now my New Year;s resolution is entirely different. I’m going to take upon me a great quantity of gold and silver and scatter it among the marketplaces of the cathedral city of England, wishing... BUZZ NP: Kenneth Williams... KW: Hesitation. CF: Oh good! NP: Yes! Kenneth you have 30 seconds on my New Year’s resolution starting now. KW: My New Year resolution is generally going to be to try to remove from my personality any malignance or wickedness... BUZZ NP: Clement Freud has challenged, why? CF: Deviation. There is no malignance or wickedness... LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE CF: You can’t resolve to do the impossible! NP: Now if I was to say that was an incorrect challenge, it would be very very unfair to Kenneth... CF: Put it to the audience! NP: No I can’t because they don’t, they believe with you. They just clap that Kenneth hasn’t got any malignance, but we want him to keep the subject. CF: Ah! NP: And as you’re well in the lead, I think you can afford to do it. Don’t you? CF: Let him keep the subject! NP: Yes, let him keep the subject. All right, my New Year resolution is still with you Kenneth and there are 21 seconds left starting now. KW: Resolution to forget hindsight and foresight, and like a puppy, throw yourself on to new mown grass and just enjoy that moment! Stop thinking of the future or behind you and say ohhhh... WHISTLE NP: Well Kenneth Williams was then speaking when the whistle went and speaking to good effect. So he gained a point which the audience applauded. By the way, just very briefly, Aimi and Peter, have you got a New Year resolution you’d like to pass on? No! All right! I will give you the final score now because I’m afraid we have no more time to play Just A Minute. Ah Aimi Macdonald this time finished in fourth place. She was just two points behind Peter Jones, he was in third place. He was two points behind Kenneth Williams who was in second place, who was two points behind this week’s winner, Clement Freud! Well we do hope you enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, and before I go, may I say from all of us here a very very happy New Year and till we all meet again, good-bye! THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch. |
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