JAM:DNimmo,CFreud,PJones,SHancock
WELCOME TO JUST A MINUTE!

starring DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD, PETER JONES and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 19 November 1973)


THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: We present Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud, Peter Jones and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.

NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as youíve just heard we are delighted to welcome back Sheila Hancock to compete against our three regular competitors of the game. And Iím going to ask them to speak as usual if they can for just one minute on some subject without hesitation, without deviation, and of course without repetition. And according to how well they do it of course, they will gain poi, pah, pah oh...

BUZZ

DEREK NIMMO: Repetition.

NP: Repetition. Weíre going to begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And the subject, (laughs) after my little fluff there is diction. Clement would you speak on the subject of diction for 60 seconds starting now.

CLEMENT FREUD: What was the subject again?

NP: Oh very good! Nobodyís challenged you.

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SHEILA HANCOCK: Hesitation.

NP: Yes Iím going to give it to you Sheila because he was so rotten!

LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Absolutely rotten! It was a very good joke though, wasnít it really? So Sheila you got in...

CF: Went well too, didnít it?

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Returning with less experience and practice than the three fellows, you deserve to have a, a, start there. One point for a correct challenge and the subject of diction, and there are 52 seconds left starting now.

SH: Diction is one of the things that youíre supposed to learn when you go to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. I had a Cockney accent when I went and I spent two years getting rid of it. And the first part I played when I left was a Cockney one and so I had a...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of Cockney.

NP: Yes they all pressed their buzzers. Clement pressed it that fraction early so he got in. You have a correct challenge, a point for that Clement, and there are 42 seconds on diction starting now.

CF: I always rather pride myself on my diction. Because I enunciate words very clearly, and hardly ever miss any words...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, he doesnít! He mumbles!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM NP AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: We have to give Derek Nimmo a correct challenge...

DN: Oh?

NP: ... and say there are 40 seconds on diction Derek starting now.

DN: Round the rugged rock, the ragged...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Sorry, I thought he was going to repeat rugged!

NP: Oh what a pity Sheila!

SH: I thought it was a rugged rock!

NP: Because you challenged, well anticipated but bad luck! Derek an incorrect challenge, another point to you, 25 seconds, diction starting now.

DN: Sergeant Major Richard Shuns joined the Grenadier Guards when he was 15 years old...

BUZZ

NP: Um someone challenged but no light has come on.

SH: Me.

NP: It was you Sheila?

SH: Itís me. He said the Crenadier Guards!

NP: He did say the Crenadier Guards.

DN: Yes they were a very special regiment!

LAUGHTER FROM CF, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

SH: Deviation!

DN: Well donít you know, a lot of regiments have gone in the last few years!

NP: Yes well there are no, as far as I know, Crenadier Guards...

DN: No, I told you! Theyíve been disbanded! I did tell you!

NP: And you can obviously in this game, wangle out of it by saying how this was a special one I was thinking of. But I think we knew what he was talking about so Sheila we give you your correct challenge, 20 seconds left, diction starting now.

SH: The tongue, the teeth, and the lips are the place where diction is taking place...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud.

CF: Deviation. Three things canít be the place!

NP: The tongue, the teeth and the lips...

PETER JONES: Itís a piffling challenge!

NP: Itís a wrong...

DN: And ungallant with it, I thought!

PJ: What?

DN: Ungallant!

NP: I agree...

PJ: I canít hear, youíre mumbling again! Canít hear a word!

LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: So I agree with um Peter Jones that that is a piffling challenge though it may be correct. Iím going to give it to Sheila Hancock...

SH: I wish you wouldnít, Iím getting awfully bored with it!

NP: She has 15 seconds on diction starting now.

SH: And as a result, you have to exercise all these parts of your mouth, if you are going to...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones.

PJ: Much as you might try, you canít exercise your teeth!

NP: A very good challenge!

PJ: And repetition of mouth, says Freud.

NP: Yes.

PJ: He gets a bonus point! What? Well the idea of exercising your teeth appealed to me rather.

NP: Yes...

PJ: I mean, you know...

NP: Was there anything else that she slipped up on Peter?

PJ: Oh repetition of mouth, yes.

NP: Yes thatís fine, all right.

SH: Did I say mouth before?

PJ: Yes you did.

SH: How many mouths?

NP: You have a, you have a correct challenge Peter, 10 seconds left on diction starting now.

PJ: To be or not to be...

BUZZ

NP: Oh!

LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE

SH: Thatís a classic!

PJ: Well I knew that, I just thought I wonder whether they will sit back and enjoy it, or whether theyíre small and mean enough to try and um mess it up. And you see they were!

SH: We are!

NP: (laughs) I think that was one of the most ridiculous attempts...

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM DN

NP: ... in Just A Minute Iíve ever heard! I mean...

PJ: Ridiculous? Rather than sit and drink in the poetry, they would rather win a point on Just A Minute! Good heavens! You donít often hear me playing Hamlet!

SH: Thank God!

LAUGHTER FROM SH, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

PJ: Youíll never have the opportunity again! Serve you right!

NP: When are you going to start? Clement Freud you have a correct challenge, in other words you were the first to buzz. And so you have a point for that and there are eight seconds on diction starting now.

CF: (mumbling) When my mouth seems to be...

BUZZ

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SH, PJ AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

SH: Did he?

DN: Well, for whatever reason I must win a point!

NP: What is your challenge Derek?

DN: (laughs) Repetition of (does impression of CF mumbling)

NP: All right! We give it to you on that Derek!

PJ, CF, SH AND THE AUDIENCE ALMOST WETTING THEMSELVES WITH LAUGHTER

NP: And there are six seconds left on diction Derek starting now.

DN: Dear Sybil Mary Jane Greene had the most...

WHISTLE

NP: Iíve just realised weíve only now, or at last, come to the end of the first round in this edition of Just A Minute. Because so much was said, so much was challenged and so much fun was had. At the end of the first round, Peter Jones has one point, Clement Freud has two, Sheila Hancock has three, Derek Nimmo has five. And we begin the second round with Peter Jones and the subject is prunes and custard. Peter would you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: Right, letís note itís time for my annual talk on prunes and custard! Now I propose to devote 30 seconds to prunes and a similar amount of time to custard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Deviation, he hasnít got two lots of 30 seconds left!

NP: Yes but he can still devote it and the whistle will go before the second lot of seconds are up.

DN: Ah.

NP: He wasnít deviating, you have another point Peter and 45, no 44 seconds on prunes and custard starting now.

PJ: Soak the prunes in brandy overnight. That gives you a very good start. Then the custard...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged, why?

DN: Start with prunes and you give them a very good start.

NP: Yes thatís right, you did have two starts. Of a different nature, I agree. But it was repetition of the word. Derek has a point, there are 37 seconds on prunes and custard Derek starting now.

DN: Well I donít think prunes and custard are a very good subject, the first time we had them, and they donít seem to be improved with age. In fact I donít awfully like prunes, I never have. When I was at school, I used to be given them quite frequently, and they made me feel quite...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: No, I donít think it was quite hesitation. I thought you...

BUZZ

NP: Whoís... someone said...

SH: Repetition of quite.

NP: Yes Sheila you can have that one. I donít think... actually no, Clement got in with his challenge first. I agree, I thought he was actually going to challenge on quite. No, so itís only fair to Derek, an incorrect challenge, 20 seconds left with you Derek on prunes and custard starting now.

DN: If your diction is tremendously good, you are invited by all your chums to say ďprunes and custardĒ several times at weekends, to demonstrate to their friends, children and...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition of friends.

NP: Yes.

DN: Yes.

NP: And you have...

DN: Yes.

NP: Um the pause came because we were all thinking if he had repeated the word. And I decided he had. So there are six seconds for you on prunes and custard Peter starting now.

PJ: The custard must be made with egg yolks and have a certain amount of cream in it. Otherwise itís going to be very much like wallpaper glue...

WHISTLE

NP: Peter Jones was then speaking when the whistle went so he gained that extra point, and heís moved into second place at the end of that round behind Derek Nimmo. Sheila Hancock will you begin the next round, the subject, hanging about. Sixty seconds starting now.

SH: This is something that they do a lot in Rome, on street corners, whistling as the girls go by. Itís something you do as an actress quite a lot...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of something.

SH: The first time it was hyphenated, the second time it wasnít!

LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: I dis, I dis, sorry, I agree with Derekís challenge and so Derek you have a point of course, and 50 seconds on hanging about starting now.

DN: If one walked on Ivan Hill in years gone by, you would see the most unpleasant things hanging about. You would look up and from the beams one would spy with oneís own eye...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: He said one several times.

NP: Yes he did. Iím afraid thatís a rather tough challenge Peter.

PJ: But he didnít just repeat it, he repeated the repetition of it.

NP: Well all right, you made your challenge, itís a correct one, so on this occasion I give you a point and there are 37 seconds on hanging about starting now.

PJ: Yes all these bobbies hanging about Marble Arch. It must have been quite a sight as they came through bedlam, because that was just outside Selfridges.

BUZZ

PJ: Now of course itís inside Selfridges...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Bedlam was a hospital in the East End. Nowhere near Selfridges.

NP: But he was describing a state of bedlam, he wasnít describing to my mind a place. And this was the witticism that he was making.

CF: I thought it was totally unwitty. And if he was talking about Tyburn and hanging...

NP: Mmmm?

CF: Then Selfridges was no longer...

NP: But that was not your challenge.

CF: Yes yes I...

NP: So you canít have it now, your second...

CF: I mean... it was a period challenge!

NP: No, no, no, no, you canít have a block challenge! If one fails youíll double up with something else.

CF: No, no, no!

NP: Your first challenge was the hospital of Bedlam, that was incorrect so Peter has another point...

CF: (mumbles)

NP: And he has 27 seconds, hanging about starting now.

PJ: And newspapers, wallpaper, can all...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

PJ: All hyphenated! Most of my conversation is hyphenated!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SH, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Peter, Clement challenged.

CF: Repetition of all those hyphenated phrases!

NP: Yes! All right Peter, Clement I agree on this occasion, 25 seconds on hanging about starting now.

CF: Perhaps the most signal incident of hanging about is waiting for prunes and custard to mature. It has got to be understood that one has these for very different reasons. One consumes the first...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of one.

NP: Yes all right, if itís going to be given against you Derek, I agree...

CF: Do you remember you said we were not going to give any more petty challenges...

NP: I was hoping, I was hoping that, itís a vain hope with you aggressive people who play this game. But it was given against Derek before, itís only fair that Derek should have it again, for him on this occasion. There are 13 seconds on hanging about Derek starting now.

DN: Sometimes on the railway station one hangs about... (laughs)

BUZZ

DN: ... looking for people to say...

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Yes.

DN: Oh! (laughs)


NP: Yes you dried up because of the one, but I should, you should have kept going. Eight seconds on hanging about Clement starting now.

CF: Perhaps the greatest time of hanging about is during the war...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.

DN: Repetition of perhaps. It was perhaps the prunes and custard, now weíve had the same thing again.

NP: All right Derek, another point to you and there are six seconds on hanging about starting now.

DN: Perhaps the greatest example...

BUZZ

SH: Iím sure he said perhaps too!

NP: Iím afraid he hasnít in this particular round. I have to listen very carefully, itís very difficult. There are five seconds on hanging about Derek starting now.

DN: Hanging about is... oh blast!

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged. Clement?

CF: Hesitation.

NP: Hesitation, I agree, theyíve all got so tense theyíre keyed up. Itís two seconds for hanging about Clement starting now.

CF: On the second floor of an emporium on Oxford Street...

WHISTLE

NP: Clement Freud got the extra point then for speaking when the whistle went with many attempts from the others to get it. And at the end of that round Iím afraid that Sheila Hancock is lying fourth. Just behind Clement Freud who is surprisingly in third place, Peter Jones is still in second place and Derek Nimmo is still the leader. And Derek Nimmo, your turn to begin, the worst thing in this studio. That is the subject Ian Messiterís thought of, weíre dreading to hear what you say but will you start now.

DN: casting my eyes around me, itís rather difficult to discover what is the worst thing. By in the studio, I take it to mean the whole building and in fact, now I come to think about it, the worst thing in the studio is the cistern in the gentlemanís lavatory. It has an overflow from it which points directly at the seat the moment the ball-cock is stuck. And I was having a momentís conversation just before...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of moment.

NP: Yes but Iím surprised that someone didnít challenge on the er, gentlemanís lavatory because itís not in the studio. Not as far as I know! So Clement, a correct challenge, the worst thing in this studio, 39 seconds starting now.

CF: The worst thing in this studio, present company excepted, and also not including the audience, has got to be the lighting which I feel to be totally inadequate, entirely unflattering, and to a considerable extent making it impossible for me to read the newspaper and therefore having to listen to the extraordinary conversation, challenges, and interlocutory...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes I donít know what he was talking about! He was dribbling on a bit there. I really didnít hear the last few words Clement, you dribbled down. So Sheila you have a point and 14 seconds on the worst thing in this studio starting now.

SH: I donít think anybody can challenge that the worst thing in the studio is me because I am trailing...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud challenged.

CF: Deviation.

NP: Why?

CF: Iíve just challenged.

NP: A clever challenge but I think it didnít get any response from the audience so...

CF: Theyíre asleep!

NP: Or else in the gentlemanís lavatory! Sheila have a point because that was an incorrect challenge. The worst thing in the studio Sheila and there are eight seconds left starting now.

SH: Using one of Nicholas Parsonsí phrases, I am trailing somewhat because my brain is not functioning very quickly today as is apt to happen, you...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheilaís brain functioned well enough to keep her going and speaking when the whistle went, gained the extra point. Sheís now only one point behind Clement and Peter, Clement Freud and Peter Jones who are equal in second place behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject singing. Will you talk on that, 60 seconds starting now.

CF: Talking on singing is rather like being asked to sing on talk. And not at all, an easy thing for me because Iím totally unmusical. I donít even know what to stand up for, and for which rendering among the musical er...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed, it completely dried him up. There are 42 seconds Sheila on singing starting now.

SH: I am a great lover of classical music. And it was only last year that I joined...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.

DN: Hesitation.

NP: Yes indeed Derek, there are 37 seconds on singing with you starting now.

DN: Iím frightfully keen on singing. And I know the words of all sorts of songs. For instance, hereís to the pretty young maid of Pristine... something similar...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: Hesitation.

NP: Yes he forgot what happened to that pretty young maid of Pristine, he obviously thought...

CF: Beneath the age of consent you know!

NP: He thought for a lot about her, he completely dried up!

DN: Iíve forgotten whether she was 15 or 16.

NP: I wouldnít worry to work that out in Just A Minute. Keep going Derek. And Sheila you have the subject back of singing and there are 27 seconds left starting now.

SH: I had always thought opera was slightly comical. All those people acting up a storm but not saying it. When somebody is about to die, they have a long aria. Not really appreciating it at all. Until one day I went to see Saint Matthewís Passion which is Oratorio at the Festival Hall, and I have never been so moved in my life. Since when I have become an absolute addict of this particular type of music. Knitting for hours on end...

WHISTLE

NP: Well Sheila was complaining that her brain was not functioning as actively as usual, but certainly she has done something to it now because sheís leapt forward. Sheís overtaken Clement Freud and Peter Jones, and sheís only just behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. Peter Jones your turn to begin, the subject, scraps. Would you talk about scraps for 60 seconds starting now.

PJ: I had a dog called Scraps once. And he was a very loveable little canine. And he ran about wagging his tail and chewing up bedroom slippers, and mattresses, and anything else that happened to be lying about. And he adored going out into the field, among the grass, and chewing the ah various...

BUZZ

NP: Sheila Hancock challenged.

SH: It was hesitation.

NP: Yes, I loved...

SH: And a bit devious, among the grass!

NP: Yes what I thought so much was the idea of him, that he was chewing the mattresses or anything else that happened to be lying about! The picture of Peter Jonesí home with mattresses lying about!

PJ: Yes, quite right!

NP: Forty seconds for you Sheila on scraps starting now.

SH: I am positively manic about not wasting food. Which reminds me of the story of the little girl whose Mummy said ďthink of those poor starving children in IndiaĒ. And the child said ďname oneĒ. Which is rather the attitude of my daughter. However I have a waste disposer, but I very seldom use it because it seems such an incredibly bad thing to do, to dispose of food in this way...

BUZZ

NP: Peter, Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of food.

NP: Yes she said food twice. Clement there are 12 seconds for you on scraps starting now.

CF: At Hackney Stadium, thereís a dog called Scraps which is totally incapable of running for more than 400 yards. When entered in 525, he collapses...

WHISTLE

NP: Thatís one of those clever things with Clement Freud because none of us here know anything about greyhound racing. We canít challenge him on the fact that there is a dog called Scraps. Iím sure heís right! Sheila itís your turn to begin, blowing my top. Something that has happened many times on Just A Minute, and er it might happen again. But weíd like you to talk on the subject Sheila, 60 seconds starting now.

SH: I donít have a top. But if I had one, I probably would blow it, rather than use a whip, because I kind consider thatís rather kinky. I happen...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of rather.

NP: Did she say rather twice?

CF: Yeah.

NP: Yes she did, what a pity! Um, 50 seconds for you on blowing my top Clement starting now.

CF: It is I suppose the extremity of your body which you can blow more readily than the other. But also blowing my top...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged. Why?

DN: Deviation, I donít think necessarily you can blow your top more than... the other!

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SH AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Shall I put it to the audience?

LOUD LAUGHTER FROM SH, DN AND THE AUDIENCE

NP: Clement Freud was being devious, in the thoughts he was arousing. And therefore we have to give Derek Nimmo a correct challenge...

DN: Oh?

NP: ... and say there are 41 seconds left starting now.

DN: Well when I blow my top in this game, I shout abuse at the chairman. I say ďgo away, Parsons, you great big oaf! You big fat fool sitting there in your shirtsleeves! Why on earth...Ē

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Repetition of big. Great big oaf and big fat fool!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE

DN: Well he is!

NP: The audience are clapping! The only reason he challenged was so that he could repeat the phrases! Clement Freud you have a correct but foul challenge, which I have to give you a point and say you have 32 seconds on blowing my top starting now.

CF: This is a phrase or expression given to mean anger or losing your temper. Something I do very seldom indeed because I have complete equanimity. Many people have remarked on this, even to the point...

BUZZ

NP: Derek Nimmo has...

DN: Deviation, he hasnít got complete equanimity!

NP: No of course he hasnít!

DN: Heís nasty, surly, sort of an up-and-down kind of, miserable, hateful, horrid...

CF: And I mumble!

DN: And he mumbles with it!

NP: Yes and not only that, itís hyphenated mumble! Iíve heard very few people remark on his equanimity. Goodness gracious, do you know, Derek youíre absolutely right. I would have given it to anybody, I would have given it against Clement Freud whoever challenged on that occasion anyway! But I think your challenge was correct Derek, and justified, because I do like to try and be fair. And there are 18 seconds, blowing my top starting now.

DN: This loathsome idiot sitting up there on the podium! How...

BUZZ

NP: Peter Jones has challenged.

PJ: Repetition, he said that before.

NP: Foul abuse against the chairman, yes...

PJ: Yes.

NP: ... absolutely! Peter you have a point and 15 seconds on blowing my top Peter starting now.

PJ: Can be very relaxing and rewarding experience. Makes you feel more at ease, and you feel unburdened...

BUZZ

NP: Clement Freud has challenged.

CF: Heís felt twice.

NP: Yes you were feeling too much Peter. We got the feeling but you spoke it, you used the word more than once. Clement a correct challenge and you have eight seconds for blowing my top starting now.

CF: Blowing my top about the invidious behaviour of the chairman of this panel is something I would never be a party to, because...

WHISTLE

NP: Well that gentle thought of Clement Freud gave him an extra point because he said it while the whistle went and so heís moved forward. And I have to tell you this is, this was the last, this was, we have just had the last round and we come to the final decision. Clement Freud just didnít make enough points to overtake our leader. Peter Jones finished a good fourth. Sheila Hancock an admirable third. Clement Freud a very narrow second, behind this weekís winner, Derek Nimmo! We hope youíve enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!

THEME MUSIC

ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.